Well, to start with, it’s not my actual birthday until tomorrow. Yay tomorrow!! I tend to like looking at the year to see where am I in life and how do I feel about it. This year has been much more challenging than I thought it would be. But I feel like that’s a stupid thing to say. Every year brings its new and different bullshit that we have to deal with and learn to carry on with.
I keep having a hard time with being able to stay on task for things around the house. I feel like I’m just going through motions and not really seeing things very well. I do the dishes I put the laundry away I do little things but none of it makes me want to do life like it once was. I don’t expect life to ever go back to how it felt before but, I also don’t like that life keeps going without my dad in it. There is a very big line in life of before and after.
Sunset Sunday night
Nearly 11 months now. I’m shocked how much I still cry on a regular basis. I still have a very hard time listening to my favorite radio station on Pandora. The Beach Boys just gut me every time I hear one of their songs and they are petty frequent fliers on the 60s Rock station that I love.
I feel less inclined to post my life for all to see anymore. I want to share, please dear reader, understand I want to share, but I don’t want to be on social media anymore. And I can’t do that. It’s how I stay in touch with the ones I served with. We may not speak to each other but I’m here in my little porch in the dark cheering them on as their biggest supporter they never knew they had.
Big Springs Environmental Area – the spring
20OCT2026
Welp. The birthday was a flop. It came and went and then best part was going home early and hitting both the art supply store and the book store. The run was pretty great up until we got charged by a rather large dog who came out from under the fence. And as I’m screaming “NO!”, and trying to keep that dog from getting my dog the adrenaline rush wasn’t as much fun as I wanted. We had a pretty good run overall. After that we booked it a lot faster to get home and the time frame is still at 1:07 so it’s staying steady for time and distance.
My Ragnar race is coming up now. I need to get my ass in gear and get stuff figured out. The camping part is where I’m struggling. It’s been years since I’ve slept in the dirt. I’ve got a sleeping bag and my yoga mat I can use on the ground, but it’s been a long time since I’ve had to put that much thought into something. And being the team captain, I’m just a little over my head. Like by a lot. I still have to order some fun stuff for decorations and stuff for our outfits and all of that. To be honest, I have one member of the team who is just dead ass silent when it comes to communication and I need her to understand I just need to know that you’re still going to come out for it. And we need to work out logistics for it. Like common, just answer me once in a while. I hope I don’t blow it all.
❤️❤️🏃♀️➡️❤️❤️
As far as the idea of a birthday anymore, I’m not so sure I want to celebrate them so much anymore. Birthday sex, still something I like so I’m not too old yet, but, I’m thinking I’m not going to make a huge deal of them like I have before. It’s just another day to everyone else, it’s ok to be just another day for me too. I got the same amount of cards I did last year so I know it’s not a big deal to others. Last year I was pretty devastated from the day, but this year, I’m just over the bullshit.
Do I still want someone to make a deal of it for me, of course I do! I love to be a selfish person and make it all about me, but, it’s not always about me. And I will learn to live with that now. Anyhow, time to move for the day. Yay Tuesday. I have a feeling that Tuesday is really Monday’s ugly step-sister.
Have a great day, dear reader, and if your birthday was a bust for the year, let me know. I can’t be the only one. 🤩❤️😎🏃♀️➡️🤦🏼♀️
Well, at least the upside is that no one had died. At least, none that are unexpected. I work with old people, that’s expected. Though some go more surprisingly than others. I’ve digress.
About a two months ago I decided that I wanted to run a Ragnar Trail run. I got the team going, and I was all excited and so I asked the one person who I thought would really do it with me, and who would enjoy it; my sister Crystal. I thought for sure she would love a challenge such as this, something to really push you and have fun at the same time. I gave her a few days to think about it and when I got the answer, it wasn’t something that I had expected. She told me that even though she really wanted to do it with me, she had just talked with her best friend, Colleen who has been her bestie for at least 35 years, got results from a test and she wasn’t sure she would be able to get the time back. That’s not cryptic at all. 🤔
Team shirts- will be tanks
My sister Crystal graduated in 1993, her and her best friend, Colleen. Crystal went to move to Phoenix the week she graduated. Her best friend, Colleen, stayed home. She joined a group called Up With People and went on a world tour as a singing and dancing ensemble. Crystal never came home after that. Not like she never visited, but she never moved back. Colleen got home and stayed there for a little while before she too moved to the valley of the sun. Before she did, Colleen became an amazing supportive sister to me. She was the one who taught me how to do makeup, and how to curl my hair to get it to go in certain directions. She was the one who saw how hard of a time I was having and she was the one who make sure that I was ok, that she could see I was struggling, but, she also said that she would be there for me, even if I didn’t realize that she would be.
By the time I graduated high school, Crystal and Colleen would be living together in the valley. I lived with my grandparents after high school for a time and I spent a good deal of time there. I wasn’t always nice though and I am sorry for being an asshole when I was one. She’s always been there in my life. Some time goes by and life happens and it was a while between visits with Colleen.
Last year, when Crystal got remarried, I saw Colleen for the first time in I don’t know how many years. She looked different than I remembered, but I was super excited to see her again. She had gotten sick around Veteran’s Day a few years ago, like four I think. I was able to take her seats at the Farewell Concert by Elton John. I was able to take Maggie to it as well – Piper is now going by Maggie, so I try to keep it consistent, but I slip from time to time. It was an amazing concert, so to say thank you, I wrote her a letter and sent a framed photo of Little Gotro, and the single tear running down her face from the joy of the event. We talked for a few minutes in the bathroom before the ceremony and she said that she loved the letter, and has never thrown it out, it meant the world to her. She loved the photo as well, but the letter meant the world to her.
When Dad died this last year, 8 months ago, she came up as soon as she could, I think it was only a few days later. She’s been a fantastic sister to me for so many years. Even Brandy adores her, so I know that she really is a good person, with a heart of gold. She has her vices like everyone else that I know, but, you know, who doesn’t. I know lots of people who drink and smoke. … When Crystal told me that Colleen was doing some tests because she was having a hard time swallowing, I thought, this could be something. When Crystal said she wasn’t going to do the Ragnar with me because she wasn’t sure how much time she had left with Colleen, I knew this was far more serious than, we are running some tests.
Three weeks ago, Colleen had to be admitted to The Mayo Clinic in Phoenix Arizona. It is Stage 4 esophageal cancer. This would be why she hasn’t been able to eat or drink or swallow a whole bunch. She was too malnourished to begin cancer treatments, so right now, they are working on getting her healthy enough so her body can tolerate the treatment. But there are some complications.
Love my running partner
This week, I had to come to the valley to do training with our new PSA for our program with the VA. And since I went to concert last night, I knew that I would be going to see Colleen today. I can say that I wasn’t prepared mentally for what I saw. She looked better than I thought, but, as we talked, I realized that there is a very good chance that she’s not going to make it out of this one. She’s fighting it, but, the feeling is real, and it’s scary. She told me there is 40% chance to make it 5 years. We laughed and I gave her some good information to deal with the insurance company and told her that I will come back as often as I can to see her. I have been writing letters to her weekly because I feel like that is what I love to do, write, weird right?
I wanted to cry with her while I was there, but, I didn’t. Instead, like the coward that I am, I waited until I could get into my car, and park it for a few minutes so I could cry. I cried all the way back to the hotel listening to my favorite radio station. Funny thing, while I was driving, they started playing songs from Pink Floyd’s The Wall album. When I turned 19, Colleen gave me the two disc set of Pink Floyd’s The Wall, wrapped in Starbucks napkins and duct tape. I listened to that until I lost the CD’s and then I just bought myself another copy of it. When I hear it, I think of her instantly. And of course, the song was Comfortably Numb. I have to say, the guitar solo by David Gilmore in that one song holds so much emotion for me that all I can do is crank the volume and let the guitar into my soul and feel every bit of that solo. Oddly, the only other song that gives me that kind of reaction is Yellow Ledbetter by Pearl Jam. Talk about guitar solos. Wow is all I can say about those two. And since it was my favorite radio station that I was listening to, they usually play two songs by the same artist. The next song, was Young Lust. Following that block, they began playing Guns N Roses, Welcome To The Jungle and then November Rain… Which let’s be honest, November is the month that dad died, so it seemed like a fitting song for how I was feeling right then. Comfortably Numb, followed by November Rain. Yup, I would say I was feeling a bit low.
Crystal, Lexi , Colleen
I think the hardest part for me is realizing that there is no easy answer to this. I mean yes, I am able to still go and see her and talk to her, but, I feel like I could have done better for her. I’m not sure how, but I feel like I could. So, in light of the last three installments of I’ve Been Meaning to Call, I am now using this time that I have to make sure that she knows that I love her and I wouldn’t be the person I am today without her influence on me. She is so much more than just a sister. She’s my hero. She deserves so much more than what I can give. But I intend on not allowing this time to pass me by with nothing more than I visit one time. I’m able to recognize that this is the time for those moments. I will be coming down more often to see her. And I am very much looking forward to it. Time is precious and I don’t intend on wasting this time that I have.
Am I worried about this, I would think to say yes is an understatement. Yes, I am very worried about it. I want nothing more for her to go home and snuggle with her husband and her dogs and live in peace and harmony and smile and live to be 80. I don’t know what time I have with her, I don’t know how this will turn out, but I know what I will do with the time that I have been given with her. So for now, that is all.
Goodnight, dear readers. Wishing you a good night, and a happy sweet dream. ❤️😎💔
15September2026
Yeah… so it’s been a while since I tried to write and post on this. Due to the nature of it, it’s been hard to reread for proofreading and adding photos. I added photos at one point and it just didn’t do so well.
Colleen is still going and fighting. I’ve been sending her photos of my daily runs. Though, since it’s been getting earlier and earlier every day, the sun is coming up later and later which makes sunrise photos a moot point. But I got some cool moonlight photos that I send. The point is, I keep writing letter and sending them. I keep going out with the dog and sending her daily photos. Time is so precious and I may not be able to go down to see her like I wanted to, but I’m also not not doing anything. 🧐
It’s morning time and I have to get rolling. Coffee is made, dog is going to be wanting to go out for her run and I’m nearly done pooping. Yay! 💩😁 Hope your day, dear reader is a good one. My your sunrise be met with fresh coffee (or tea if that’s your thing. I actually open a tea bag and dump it into my coffee grounds. Either chai or a toasted coconut one. 😊
Two weeks ago, I took my mom for a road trip. I have bought a new VW van and I went to pick it up. What an adventure!
The search for a van has been ongoing for many years. We’ve talked about it since we started dating and we’ve looked and finally found one that worked for us. I was able to go and pick it up.
Just picked it up..
28May2026
Even cooler update: we just got back from our first ever family vacation. And we took the van to the ocean with the kids and it was the best time!
Maybe I should back up. On the first of May, I took my mom and we flew to California to pick up our new van. We drove it back on that weekend and it was a blast. I took my mom on an adventure to the Queen Mary and then to the beach. From there we started our way home. I took I-40 across the top of Arizona to Holbrook and then south from there to home.
When I got home it was so much fun to show the kids. Little Gotro, Maggie, was the first to come and see it. Her face lit up and she was super excited. Kelsie and the kids got there afterwards, and it was so awesome to see her so excited.
We planned a trip for the end of the month right then. We wanted to go to the beach and since Memorial Day landed on Kelsie’s birthday we chose that weekend. The biggest bummer was Maggie wasn’t able to come because she just started a new job and had already requested time off this month to get her wisdom teeth removed. So we started planning a trip for her to come with us.
Anyhow, the first weekend we had it, Kelsie and Ryan and the kids took it out for an adventure to camp. Maggie was there with them as was Thomas. My mom and I had gone to see my niece graduate from college with her BS. Made me want to go back to school for sure. We then took a little trip to see my Great Aunt and Uncle as it was Aunt Shirley’s 90th birthday.
Aunt Shirley ❤️
The next weekend, Thomas and I took her out for a night. Just us. No dog just us hanging out with each other, tha was so much fun! I hadn’t been camping in so many years and I certainly never had something so swanky to sleep in. Talk about an upgrade. 🚌
In the forest 🌳
The trip finally rolls around and we are in the final two days before we leave and of course Thomas and I are griping at each other. The day to leave comes and we are doing alright, though it was a little bumpy getting started. We pick up Kelsie and the trip begins. Again, a little rough but we get to our first stop and change drivers. Got to the first stop for the night, and set up at a truck stop. We were about four hours from our next destination.
I drive first shift and then Thomas takes over once we are in town. He shows us all of the coolest things like where he went to college, to high school, where he lived when he was little, where he lived as a younger man and where Kelsie went to school. We hit up the favorite skate shop and talked to the owners like they were old friends. It was amazing to see him so happy. So luciouious with everyone and the smile that beamed.
We got to the beach and the kids got to see the ocean for the first time. That was so cool to see. We spent the afternoon playing on the sand, walking around, buying useless stuff I don’t need. It was glorious! Dinner spot was a little rough. Never been to a place where everyone’s food comes out at different times. I was still waiting for my food and both the kids had finished their dinner already with Thomas and Kelsie having finished part of their dinner. Not that great for food either but, one bad meal isn’t too bad.
We went to the van and put on long clothes and back to the ocean. That sound of the waves breaking makes my heart feel so amazing! 🤩 We spent the night close enough that in the early morning hours when traffic had not quite gotten to the volume of a freight train, it was beautiful to hear the waves upon waking. After coffee and a pee, we hit the waves again and this time the kids donned their suits and got into the Pacific Ocean. It was damn cold. I’m happy with my feet in the water but not too much else as it’s fucking cold as hell in that damn water. We are not in Hawaii or the Marshall Islands. It’s cold in Southern California and I’m not about to get in that body of water without a full wet suit.
Perry is at the ocean – he’s the platypus
Our next stop was to the skate shop again. And then for fun surprises, we took the group to the Queen Mary and stayed the night. Showers were heavenly after that salt all over me. 😁😎
Dinner took us to Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. where we enjoyed drinks and our table won the trivia for the movie that the place is based on. 😁 cuz I’m a fucking genius that’s why. I can also answer questions regarding the soundtrack to that movie (Forrest Gump).
The beds onboard the ship were amazing. Either that or I was exhausted and feel into a deep sleep. All of us slept like that. It was blissful and felt good to wake up. We got our stuff together and then headed up for breakfast and I’m telling you, dear reader, getting the breakfast package is well worth it! In every way! It was Sunday now and once we checked out of the hotel, we headed across the bay for the Aquarium of the Pacific and some shopping. The Converse store was epic and I would love to take my little 🪿 back as she would love it! The whole atmosphere was so laid back and it felt good to feel like I could relax a little. Not sure why the mountain has caused me I feel like I’m trapped here, but I feel like I need to be by the ocean. And I want that to happen sooner rather than later. I want to buy a house near the beach, if not on it, and just work there and surf and be. It’s got food choices that we don’t have up here, like anything other than the 17 different Mexican food places I go to regularly.
Things aren’t the same here as when I grew up here. Not that things are so different, however, our school was a lot better than it is now. Out of ten, Blue Ridge is a three. 3/10. That’s so disheartening to me. We used to have teachers held in such high respects and now classrooms are a joke of some kind. We didn’t talk back to our teachers, we didn’t have so many options for schooling either. And with so many kids being homeschooled there isn’t enough funding to have all the things that help our futures grow and learn. And they are the future. Like it or not, it’s how life works. And we are crippling them by taking away public education and dismantling it for school vouchers? Are you fucking kidding me?! I have a hard time with this one. My hometown, my state, has come to this kind of shameful educational issues. We are 48th in education. Out of 50. Yeah. That’s not a good rating at all. I digress…
We spent the day enjoying ourselves, all had different kids of lunch, Thomas and I ended up at Islands and that was so delicious. Even got me some free chips and salsa. Gotta love that! Kelsie and the kids had street food of some kind that I don’t know what it was. Looked good though.
When we left from there, the trip homeward began. We got to Quartzsite late, but not as late as when we got there the first time. Got home around 3.30-4. I don’t remember.
To say it was refreshing would be just too simple, but it was blissful and freeing, and recharging, and it was everything we all needed. Plans to go back have already began with reservations for an upcoming weekend. And plans for our weekend with Maggie has begun as well. She’s super excited. Wish I could take her sooner, she’s an ocean kind of kid as well.
And as with any good time, our trip came to an end. I’m so glad we did it and I’m so glad that we are going to be going back. The van was such an amazing investment. A little about the van, it’s a 1989 VW Vanagon with Subaru engine. It has air conditioning and a full kitchen with a pop top. We have gotten a hammock for the kids for the front compartment and it sleeps 5. It’s been so much fun. We will be doing a few things to it. I need to cut some of the cabinets and make room for a full width bed. I can sleep 6 and carry 6. We will be getting new curtains going and a few other little things. Take the fridge out and get a different style and get some different storage out of it. Overall it’s a blast and I’m so excited for the many adventures to come!
Hammock over the two front seats. Holds up to 150lbs.
And with that, I’ll sign off for now. Happy day to you, dear reader. ❤️
For the second time in the last ten years, I have lost respect for those I work for. Let me back up for context for you.
Now, I have a strict policy to not blast my job on the internet. I just feel like once you put it out there, it’s not going to be able to be taken back. No matter how many times you find it somewhere and it has to be taken down again. I have always had that policy ever since I was a little kid, and while I have broken that policy from time to time, I don’t think I want to go into it right now here.
As much as I want to talk about it, I won’t. However, I will say that with things that happened this week, I am hoping that I will be able to run more in the near future. How, you may ask? Well, I am hoping that I might be able to change my schedule from 7-3.30 to 8- 4.30. This would allow me run in the mornings again. It’s not anywhere near what would really help me, but, as a person who uses running in the morning as a way to cope with the issues that go through my head, I think this might be something very small that will make a big impact.
I have been promised a few things at work lately and everything that I said was going to happen has not happened. All the things that I been told would change, did not in fact change. And I most certainly will not be getting more help. I’m beyond disappointed to say the least. I want to rant. I want to scream into a void and yell until I can’t talk anymore. I want to take a sledge hammer to a rage room and really take my frustration out by destroying something. I would also like to ask her why.
Ducks on a log
But the thought of running in the morning again has its merit. It’s been nearly 5 years since I really have been running in the morning. And since the name of this is the morning high runner, it makes sense that I would be running in the mornings. I have thought how I was failing my dog for years for now because I haven’t been able to take her in the morning. Or should I say, Dear Reader, is that I have been having a hard time with recovering and have used that as an excuse to not get up in the morning and go do what makes me happiest. Which is ironically enough, getting up in the morning and going for a run with the dog. I’m hoping that I will be able to get that going again. If my boss says no to the time change, then I have no choice than to find employment somewhere else in the VA. Lucky for me, I am already doing that because I really don’t like being walked all over, like I am a rug. And I have let this happen to me, I strive to be the best at whatever job it is that I do. So I have been used and I allowed it because I want to do well and I want to succeed at my job. But I let it rule me and my life. I haven’t taken a proper vacation in many years and actually disconnected from work. I have taken a Monday and Friday off from time to time, but, nothing where I have just been gone for a week plus a few days.
I ran a little bit this morning too. Took the dog for two miles and I did enjoy it. I had to get up early and take mom to the airport at 7 and then when I got back, I was going to suggest that we go target practice today, however, about 42 seconds after I thought about that, Thomas’s phone rang and it was the transport guy who was going to be able to drop off Kelsie’s car to us today. That was exciting. Got to give both the girls a lesson driving a stick shift. They are scared to death and while it makes me giggle, I am also a little worried as neither of them can drive their new cars since they are both stick shifts. Personally, I would only drive a stick if I had the choice. And lucky for me, the new beetle, Bridget Jones, is a five speed manual transmission. Yay! 🤩😎
It’s been a long day and I really want to get to sleep now, so I will wish you all a good night my dear readers.
Shoes from a while ago… still one of my favorites… couldn’t find a recent photo to sign off so this is it.
Just under a week ago, we finally said goodbye to my dad. We had the service on what felt like the coldest day of the year, well, so far. It’s only the 16th of January after all. But, as far as the winter season, so far that was the coldest day. My three sisters and my mom and I sat in the front row of the church. Was a strange feeling being in that place again. The church grounds themselves are a place I spent a good deal of time at while I was a young teen.
I had gone to Phoenix the night before to pick up my oldest sister, Brandy from the airport. I got up early enough to do a short run, seems like I need to make sure to get out in nature daily, even when I’m grieving. Outside was cold, as I said, the coldest of the year. I got to mom’s house pretty early. We all did in fact. It was a very strange day. We got to the church just before noon, the fire engines were already there. Talked for a few and then loaded up into the fire trucks. Got to admit, that was my first ride in the front seat of the fire truck. Or in a fire truck at all. I have got to ride in the ambulance before. Going code three, not as fun as the fire truck, but, also, not an event I will ever want to repeat. The ride to the funeral home was nice, we chatted a bit, Piper and Rae and Steven and I.
We got to the little room in the funeral home and it was hard for all of us to walk into that. We all stood around and looked at the box with his photo on it. I think we tried to make some jokes, but it was so surreal. Being there, seeing him in one of my mom’s favorite photos of him. He was so full of life and he enjoyed laughing. He made everyone smile. .
I have to say, I find writing this a lot harder than I thought I would. Could be the fact that I’m sitting on my bed, very uncomforably, or because I’m half watching a movie. Who knows. But either way, this is harder than I thought it would be. Life has been pretty stressful these last few months without Kelly leaving, but with him gone, it’s been……
23Feb2026
Danger ducks at sunset
Today was the first evening run I have taken in a long time it seems. I have been feeling all kinds of lost lately and yet, there is a lot of good things that are happening right now. I saw a video today that I thought for sure dad would have really loved, so I sent it to him. I told him that I missed him and I could use his help a lot of days. I was lost in thoughts running, and while I did want to run for a lot longer than what I did, The Yolandi Dog didn’t want to run as far as we did, and I felt like I pulled her for a good half mile. Oh well. She enjoyed coming home. It felt good to run. It felt really good to stretch afterwards, but what I loved was taking a nice hot shower and then sitting down and making time for writing tonight.
I have been talking about doing a podcast recently and I have been stumped. And then I had thought about the book that Piper had given me the year before last for Christmas. It was book journal kind of thing that was called, Mom I Want To Hear Your Story. I thought about knowing and understanding that my parents had whole lives before I was born. They were mid 20s when I came along. I think about what I was doing in my mid 20s and have decided that if I ever had a book written about my life, it would for sure be banned in Texas 😁🤩😎
I have talked to my mom about doing that as an interview for my sisters and use that as a starting point to see how it would sound and then maybe do interviews of people. I feel like a lot of folks just want their story to be heard. To say things that have happened that they never would have thought to talk about with others. Maybe that’s a bit rich, maybe people don’t want that at all. I do know that when prompted, many are glad to talk all about them selves for how ever long they have. I wonder if doing this will be something that I love and I can quit my job and be independently wealthy and can do whatever.. I do worry about healthcare if that’s the case though…. 🧐🤨
Sunday walk
Today at work was not my best. I wanted to stay and finish what I was working on, but, I decided that I would start the day with that tomorrow. And then check on the daily stuff. I like that I have a plan when I get to work. It seems to keep me more on track than on days when I am not really prepared for the day. I was also told that my friend at work took a position out of where she is now. I am bummed. Like super sad over this today. I was thinking about it and I feel like she is one of those people that I could call friend.. Like a true friend, and now I will get to talk with her from time to time, but, she’s got a promotion and I don’t want to distract her when she does leave. I feel gut punched, and sad. I will get through it and I’m sure life will keep moving. But when you find one of those females, like one of those female friends that you can always talk to, like a new sister, it’s hard to watch them leave. She’s going to be awesome in her new role though, and I’m excited about that for her.
I was also thinking about how I feel like I’ve lost my passion. To be fair, I feel like I have lost my passion for anything right now. Grief is such a strange thing to me. One day I can get on just fine and keep going like life is somewhat normal. And then something happens that make me think of him. Somedays, I cry when this happens, and some days, I don’t cry, but I smile and get a little misty-eyed. It’s hard to feel anything while grieving. I am happy often, but I feel like it’s a lie, and I’m not really happy at all. I mean, there is so much that I wish I could have asked him, or I could have said to him. I feel like it’s the most unfair thing that has ever happened; to finish the rest of my life with him not there. I am hopeful that one day in the near future I will be able to get some new Ink and I can get my days done. Soonish I would like to find the box that has all the stuff that was in my desk, so I can find the lunch bag, like brown paper bag lunch bag – that says love dad on it. I know that seems a little odd, I’ve had it since I was 12, but it’s the little things in life that make such a huge difference. Like thinking about my parents dancing in the living room. I loved seeing that. I never grew up with a couple that screamed at each other, and they would make out in the kitchen. Eww. I digress…
At one point in the beginning of my running journey, I saw a post on Facebook in one of my running groups and he said, ‘If you’re not obsessed, find something else.’. I thought about that a lot today while running. What else did I have a passion for? I think about this and I think of doing this right here, right now, writing. It’s my outlet and I miss it when I don’t make it a habit. I keep thinking that if I ever want to be a better writer, then I have to write. UGH!! I have not progressed in this category in quite a long time. I thought about that time that I took up playing violin. I truly loved doing it. I took a few lessons, and I loved it. She said I would be playing with the symphony within 6 months if I kept it up. And then COVID happened and that didn’t happen. And then I thought about all of the coloring implements that I have that go with all of the coloring books that I have. Weird how that happens. 🧐🧐
I want to feel like I have purpose again, and then it brings me back to what do I want to do with my life and how can I make that work for me in the world of having to work? I would love to go back to doing massage. I miss that so very much. So much that I have recently purchased some massage cream again. I had to throw out the old stuff, it had gone rancid. I would love to do that again, but more on my terms, no 10 massages a day. Charge what I know I am worth and get into it again. Take classes on doing massage and how to do things that make it better for me and the client. Following massage as a passion is writing and running. After that would be being creative. I love making music, but I also love to make art and paint and draw. It’s been a hot minute since I did any of that. I feel like it might be just the thing to help me deal with processing dad’s passing. I figure maybe I can start by just doing one thing at a time. One day at a time. Not like I can take one and skip a few days. I mean I could if I was doing the mead diet, but that’s not the case.
When the passion bug first bit me, these were the beginning of my medals
Anyhow, I feel like I’m a little fuzzy, so I’m going to call it for tonight and this post. I’m tired all the time these days. I wish I could blame it on something good, but I haven’t felt like I have had a good reason to not be able to do what I need to do. I feel like I’m failing. I will keep trying my best. But I could really go for a vacation right now. Something where I don’t have to plan any of it. All I do is show up, and we do whatever we please.
Weird that it took Kelly dying for me to really start writing again. Not that I didn’t write before but certainly not this much in a months time. I started to think about what I wanted to do to honor him. Running the 6.9 km daily. I will be lucky to get out and get one mile daily.
My dog hates me because she wants to go out and I’ve been a couch potato for like three years. Ugh! So I’m a little hesitant to make any commitments. However, since it’s to honor my father, the man who stuck with it to the end, would want me to be wishy washy about what I am committed to doing.
Friday night put my back door
When I started running more than a decade ago (that sounds so weird, running consistently for more than ten years), I had no idea that I would go from being pretty meh about it to becoming a serious runner. And from there I have only gone back down hill. I’ve checked my miles over the years. Nearly 7,000 miles since I took it up ten years ago. Almost eleven years to be more precise. Hard to believe it’s been that long or that I’ve logged that many miles. And what’s crazy is I still love doing it.
I do love it. And I find myself wanting to do it more and more these days. Could be because I know it’s what makes me happy or it could be because my parents have been huge supporters of my running and I want to honor my father or it could be just because I love the feeling of it.
When I thought of doing something to honor my dad, I thought I would run 6.9 km daily. One kilometer for every year of his life. But I want to be realistic about things. I haven’t been running that much and hitting that route daily for 70 days would be enough to give me shin splints. So I will get up to that. However, I will make the commitment to get up and go run daily. But more than that. I will make the same commitment to my health that he did before he passed. He did so good on his meals once he was given the diabetic diagnosis. He cut out carbs and had lost more than 20lbs in the time he was doing this. His shirts fit looser than they used to. So that’s what I’ll do.
Saturday morning will Ella
I will make a commitment to do what he did with his eating, cutting out the bad and eating the good and sticking with it. He was committed to it I can do that too. I can do this thing. 70 days. So that would be March 1. So far I made it through one day. We shall see how it rolls. Seems I’ve been sleeping all the time now when I can. Went to sleep at 7.30 last night. Like completely out before 7.30. Slept until sometime after 3 and then it didn’t feel like I really slept much after that. But we did go run today. And yesterday.
Guess it will have to happen in the morning. The run I mean. Here we go dear reader. Maybe I will have more stories for you. I also thought about telling one story about him every day too. I so t know about that. It’s hard enough to get me to commit to running daily. But maybe with this I can commit to finishing the yearly you vs the year challenge. Would be nice to finish it. Injury has taken me down for a few years now. But I think it’s time. Time to move my butt and get going again.
This morning
So here we go again. On my own. Well. With the dog but you get the idea. And now it’s time for me to get going to bed. I admit I’m tired. Ready to call it a night so I will say good night friend. Sleep well.
It’s inevitable. We all die. No one gets out of this life alive. My dad used to make jokes about it like, when I die I want to go like my grandfather; peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car. Or another thing he used to say was everyone is dying to get to the cemetery. Stupid jokes of course but they used to make me laugh.
There has been such an outpouring of love and support from everyone. All over the country, all over the state and even from the Pacific Ocean… that would be my little sister who was on deployment. He work led as a fire fighter for more than 20 years. All of them from the time I was in high school on. In fact he didn’t go full time at the department until it became a full time opportunity. Before that, they had a day crew and then volunteers for nights and weekends. I used to go to the station and watch Bevis and Butthead with him because we don’t have MTV at home. And I was told no I couldn’t watch it at home.
Turkey trot one year
I try to see that death isn’t the end of life, it’s just another stage of it. I’m not worried about his soul, I’ll leave that to others, I just know that he’s ok. He’s safe and now he gets to be part of my life only in my memories. I’ve listened to his voicemail a few times and watched old videos of him and the kids just to hear his voice. To hear him laugh again. He always had a smile on his face and when he walked into a room he lit it up with his endless energy.
Of course as his child I knew him differently than coworkers. Growing up he was out of town a lot working. That started about the time I turned 7 or so and lasted until the year or two following my high school graduation. Not always out of town but working for the state took him to a lot of places. He worked in Prescott while we lived in Kingman, and then once my mom’s job took us to Pinetop, it took a month or two before he could get transferred to their Show Low office. I still drive by it and think of him being there. He worked as natural resource department clearing trees and other bits of shrubbery from the shoulder of the road. It was after this particular job with the state that he got on with the fire department full time. And boy did he love that!
Dusting the house this year
Personally, I’m not a blood and guts kind of kid. I don’t want to see things coming out of your body that is supposed to be safely inside the body. So I know my calling isn’t the same as his, but he had so much fun with it. Yes, there will be calls that I remember him being on and the way it took a toll on his mind and his heart. He said the first day he ever worked after getting his EMT license was a suicide that didn’t work. After many years of seeing that exact kind of call he would say they should offer a class called suicide: doing it right the first time. Yes, terrible I know but anyone who I’ve met since then who has worked as an ER person or EMT/ Paramedic, they will agree. It’s gut wrenching to see that so many try and fail and in that process alter the trajectory of their whole life. Good bad or otherwise. And just to be clear, suicide isn’t something to joke about but you have to make light of it or the job will put you in therapy for life. There were countless car collisions that he cleaned up dead bodies off the road and that would gut him completely. It takes a special kind to do this job. And I’ve only known a two that I grew up with who have taken on that job as well.
In trying to cope with it, I’ve gone back to work (as if I could just not go 😑) it’s good to have something to take my mind off of the obvious. I have a great support system who is working with me to help me with anything I need. I am grateful for my coworkers, they are pretty amazing.
Another turkey trot
Few days later…
Was driving around town doing stuff and things hanging out with the kids. There was a truck that pulls up to us, we’re driving the same speed and he pulls ahead and I look over and see the load of wood. Do you ever know when it’s the last time you do something like that with them? Like I never knew it would be the last time to hug my dad when I did. I’ll never be able to go get a cord of wood with him either. What hurts is the not knowing it was going to be the last time I got to hug him. It was the last time I got to say I love you daddy. And yes. I still called him daddy. When I wasn’t calling him Kelly. There are no more birthday party with my mom. No more Christmas seasons we take a full day to have his birthday. No more laughs. Fuck!! This fucking sucks!
Always loved the hair
I don’t know how my sisters are handling this. I know that I have to keep going and I have to keep doing my thing. Keep working. Keep living. Just keep livin. I imagine everyone who has lost their father, or people who have a close relationship with their fathers, all go through this. That feeling like your compass star has disappeared, like your lost on the ocean, dead in the water. And that ocean, well, it never stops. The waves just keep coming at you. I know eventually I will move through what I will consider the hardest part, but not now. Not today, certainly not this year. Not likely I’ll ever really get to the point when I don’t cry thinking about it. Maybe one day I’ll stop seeing him in his chair dead. Maybe one day that day will stop playing in my head over and over again. But not today.
Today, or tonight rather, I shall put on my favorite Christmas movie and watch George C. Scott portray Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge, and be sad. Sad that I don’t get to hear my dad laugh again. Sad that I can’t hear him telling his grandkids to put stuff away or to come play. He’s not going to show me whatever cool thing he’s got going on in the barn. And I’m never going to be the same person I was when I was with him. Because only he could bring that out on me.
I used to cut his mustache. We would go outside on the back deck, weather permitting of course. It would take me nearly an hour to do his face, get the old man hairs out from his ears and his eyebrows and do some basic trimming on his hair. I would take a gummy before hand and we would listen to classic rock and laugh together. I will miss that.
And with life throwing more curve balls than I can hit I’m starting to unravel it feels like. I know Piper is worried about me but I wish she wouldn’t. I know life will go on and things will change, it’s inevitable. Life is change. But for now, I will do my best to just keep livin. It’s not like I can take days and be knocked out for many at a time. That’s not reality. Reality is going to sleep and not knowing if I will wake up at 2 or 3 and not be able to go back to sleep. Reality is getting up with heavy feet and go running. I’m still debating my running to honor him. I want to set up a certain distance, 6.9 km. Equals about the distance of running around the lake daily. I think I may do it. Or at least make the commitment to do it. But right now I’m still not able to commit to much of anything.
Getting married. He was awesome!
If you have read this far, dear reader, I do appreciate it. I’m not doing well right now but life changes frequently and so I know this is but a fragment of time in my life that I will be feeling like this. I know that his memory will be honored and that he won’t be easily forgotten by me, my sisters or my mom, or my community. He was kind of a big deal in the community. He was my hero. I think Kelsie said it best. He had a way of making you feel like you could do anything. Which is why my girls will be heading to school soon to train to become fire fighters and EMT’s. He would have been so damn proud. 🥲
And now I shall rest some. It’s been a long day that has been very loud. I’m going to braid my hair and head to bed. Good night~
So it’s seems with so much in my country going on, I thought it was time to join the 21st century and start my own podcast.
What? Why? Well to answer the what, yes. I think it’s time I try my hand at doing my own podcast. I have got the equipment now and I have the computer capability to do so. The why though. Well it’s a bit complicated but not really.
I write. I write about running and related things. Trail runs being my favorite. Then when I was hurt I decided to do writing prompts to help the quality of my writing. I have been slacking a lot on it. But that’s what I was thinking of doing it on. I have all these ideas for writing but I want to be able to get more in-depth with it. Have a conversation about it. And for the first time in my life the idea of having my voice silenced because of what I’m saying, meaning it could be offensive to the federal government, is so very wrong!
We have built our country foundation that it’s ok to speak your mind whether others agree or not. That the press have a right to print what they find and now it’s searching for truth. If you want to truth, follow the money trail. That’s who runs the country, the ones who buy everyone else’s loyalty. The NRA is a prime example. People would rather be ok with letting kids die than enforce the already existing laws because how dare someone want to take away their guns. No one is coming for your weapons. We just think you should have a background check for it. Wait three days. The whole shebang. And quite frankly if there is a weapon that the military uses, I don’t think it should be available for purchase by the general population. It’s designed for war and combat. Killing people. But that’s my thought on it.
The real thing is I am not going to be silenced. I was thinking of getting a few episodes done before I start uploading it. Not sure if the name but for now, a running hiatus is what I’ve come up with. I’m going to do a live recording that goes with it, but I’m not sure where to go from there. More learning is needed. Maybe a YouTube channel might be the way to go. We shall see.
That is all for now. What do you think, dear reader? Anyone interested in it? Even if not, I figure I can send it to my daughter who moved across the country so she can see me and talk to me that way. Who knows, there could be guests and such but that’s where I’m at with it. Thanks friends for your support. It’s appreciated.
Unfortunately it’s taken me a while to get back to do an update. Turns out I’m fine. I have asthma but then I already knew that. And I have allergies. Again, something I’m well aware of. I’ll start a daily treatment once the meds get here. I guess that’s the only complaint I have about the VA at this point. It’ll take about 10 days before my new meds get here.
Other than that, the trip was nice. Went to Savers (a thrift store in Flagstaff) and got a new blanket for the bed. Oh wow is that thing soft. And a new overnight bag. I’m super stoked about that. It has a compartment separate from the clothes so my running shoes and Vans and Berks have a place to stay and not be with the clothes! That’s exciting! Thomas got some jackstands. It was rainy and beautiful and I remarked as we went through Holbrook, it’s such a lovely day. All dark and dreary and gray. Oh. I’m loved it!
I did find out that finding a coin appraiser is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. First they would tell me the value of the coins. Then they said they would buy them but for a fraction of their actual worth. And then they wouldn’t tell me what they would sell them for. Maybe over the summer sometime we will have to take a trip to Albuquerque to see if we can find something there. The place I found in the valley said they don’t deal in modern coins. Well shit, I don’t have any Roman coins. Bummer.
I did get my new lipstick that day. That was awesome!! It’s called Victory Red and it stays on my lips. It’s my form of protest of the current administration. From what I could gather about it, in the 40’s it was a form of sticking it to the man. In that case the man was Hitler. He didn’t like red lipstick. He thought it was trashy or not cool or not wholesome. So women would wear it. Weird fact, Eva Braun was found to have a collection of red lipstick so maybe it wasn’t that he disliked it, maybe he just wanted only his girl to wear it. I’ve been loving wearing it since then. Daily.
Family photo, but the lips are the Victory Res
We worked on Kelsie’s truck. Been working on that for many months now. Don’t do work on a vehicle if you don’t know how or aren’t willing to learn before hand. It’s been quite a fun time dismantling my daughters Tahoe, but, it something that should have taken an hour to two. Now, instead of costing $50 for it, we are at almost $500 later. New intake manifold, new distributor, new thermostat neck,… and the time it’s taken and the pain it’s inflicted is far more than we anticipated. Finished her truck. That was awesome to say we were able to do. I’m grateful for my husband and his ability to learn and willingness to take a project over when needed. We moved to getting the van worked on and we need a new expansion tank. Won’t be here until the end of the week. Until then we have my car and Kelsie’s truck. So at least we are back to two vehicles. Hooray!! -UPDATE- we finished the van repairs and are able to drive it. And now we are back to having to replace seals on it again. Dammit!! But we are up to three working vehicles again and I’m so happy about that! I
On our way for a picnic dinner and sunset
It’s summertime now. I was wondering to myself why is the sun up so early and then I realized it’s July already that’s why.
That’s all for now. Until next time, dear reader, hope you have a great day. Or night. Whichever. ❤️
Today I get to go take a little trip to Flagstaff to go see a doctor. Let’s rewind a bit so you can see how I got to this point.
On Christmas Eve last year, I started to get sick. The next evening I was dying. I had a hard time focusing enough to get through dinner and my biggest worry was I hope I don’t get everyone else sick too. It got bad enough that after two weeks of feeling super shitty, I went to urgent care. Two ear infections and bronchitis. She said if the wheezing didn’t stop to come back and see her. I didn’t. Instead I waited four months to go see my PCP.
Now my PCP is currently on deployment in a place near the equator. I can’t spell it. I write to him once a month because he’s also a friend that I work with and deployment is long and tiring… I need to reply to his email… anyhow I’m seeing the clinic CMO or Chief Medical Officer. He calls me about a week or so before my appointment and wants me to do a chest CT and a pulmonary function test (PFT). I was able to get to chest CT done before my appointment. And labs done but that’s nothing exciting to hear about, because my labs say I’m super healthy. Yay. Took another week before I could get my PFT done. Once he got that information I got called back to his office to have him talk about the results. And the results say I have asthma and shitty lungs. He sending me to a specialist, a pulmonologist.
Sunrise
I don’t claim to know much of what I hear when talking to the RNs and our NP about medical conditions and things of that nature. I didn’t go into medicine, I went into massage. We didn’t go over didn’t diseases and things to help them. All I could get from them is I should be on some kind of daily treatment plan to help mitigate my problems. So far I’ve been using a thing with my inhaler before I go run. Seems to help a great deal. The appointment today is supposed to help clear up some confusion. My confusion. Like are the results of these tests so bad I need to see a specialist? Dear me.
I have zero idea what to expect but I suspect it’ll be far less invasive than going to the OB/gyn. Hooray for small miracles. I do know that my appointment will take at least an hour. I don’t know what they will do or things they will want to know about. Likely they will want to know that I use medical marijuana and have for I don’t know, the last 20 years. I’ve had an Rx for it to be clear. Yes. The whole time. Except when I lived in Louisiana and before it became legal in Arizona. Might be a good time to stop smoking but it’s the fastest relief to much of my anxiety and I don’t like having to wait for medication to kick in. We shall see. She will likely also want to know that I sit on the back smoke deck while everyone else smokes cigarettes. Ewww. I’m good without those. But I admit I do take a drag every so often. Super stress calls for it from time to time. And years go by between.
Morning yesterday
I have asked myself if I’m nervous about seeing the doctor today. Yes is my answer. I am nervous about it. I just lost two uncles to cancer, both of them served on active duty onboard ships in the 60s. Uncle Kenny was on the Bonham Richard (CV something). Watching the LHD with the same name go up in smoke just gutted him. It’s the name you see. It gutted me and I cried when I saw that ship go up in smoke. It’s the same platform as the Boxer. The last time I did an appointment with comp & pen I discovered I have a warning label on my medical record stating that I have been highly exposed to asbestos and I’m at a much higher risk with lung issues. This is what worries me. Mesothelioma is what scares me. That and them finding out there really was something on the ship that was giving everyone in berthing serious migraines.
4 deer 🦌 yesterday morning
Without having ever been to a specialist I have no idea what finding they will have. At 45 the last thing I want to add to my problem list is COPD. As a runner the last thing I need to deal with is lungs that won’t let me run. I already have enough issues with my left leg the last three years I don’t need something else to sideline my running. 🏃🏻♀️
There were danger ducks in there
Until this afternoon, I’m at the mercy of someone else and their knowledge. But, I get to go to Flagstaff. And Savers is a having a 30% off sale starting today and they have Greek food there! Hooray!! Not sure if I can eat there but I’m hoping. And I get to spend the day with my handsome love so that’s nice too.
For now, I’ll take the dog for a little run. She and I both need it. I’ll put some salve on my knee and stretch a little and go to the lake and back. It’ll be nice. I love mornings!
Stay tuned for the next chapter in medical life…. 😉❤️
