I have to say that it feels so weird to think like that. Life goes on. And on and on. I still hate being in a world where my dad is not. I never fought with him, I didn’t have the shitty childhood that so many others have, I didn’t ever put thought into him or my mom dying and yet. Here we are.
Here we are. Four months have passed. Well, four months and some change. Four months one week and one day.
Hello Tulips
I was at my moms tonight and I thought I heard the way the suction on the doors breaks when the door opens and for a split second I turned to the door thinking I would see him walk through the door. He did not. It was just in my head.
I listened to my favorite radio station on Pandora. Got through it mostly ok. The Beach Boys still kind of kills me a little bit. I have a photo of him and my mom and Lexi and I over my desk but I want to change them out a little bit like photos in the frames. It’s good to redo a display and in my mind photos are a display of sorts.
30April2026
It’s hard. I see his photo around my house. I feel like I don’t do enough for my mom. I feel like I should be doing more to help. We have a few adventures planned in the upcoming weeks and I’m so very much looking forward to them. Not just the adventure but the company as well.
We begin our adventure going to the beach for some vitamin sea. 😁😎🌊 Then she doesn’t know, but we are going to the Queen Mary for the night. I’m super stoked. I’m going out to get something super cool, can’t wait! I’ll post photos for you in the coming days.
❤️❤️
About a week and some change ago, my sister Hanna had her birthday. She said a year reset without social media is what she needs. So I’m doing it with her. Feels weird I’m definitely used to doom scrolling. But by taking the apps off my phone makes it so much easier. So in an effort to be supportive I’m trying to change what I’m doing on my phone. Not sure it will help but it is worth a try. I am enjoying not knowing what is going on in our country, since it seems to be a shit show every time you look at the news. It’s pretty sad and scary at the same time. It’s comedic gold, but still terrifying.
08MAY2026
It’s been a few, and I can say that I haven’t been on social media all that much. Like I have kept instagram off the phone. I only use Facebook as an easier way to view reels sent to me by my sisters. I did also keep Snapchat and that where I find some good funnies for my weekly collected nonsense text message to the family.
Mom and I picking up the bus… yes it’s a VW
Today was my nieces college graduation in Flagstaff. I thought about my dad. He would have been so damn proud of her. She did amazing. It was long and boring but it was also a bit inspiring. Made me want to go back and finish my degree. Not just a degree but further than that. I want to get my masters and then my doctorate. In what I don’t know but I think something that will lead me to an auditing type of position. I like numbers they are pretty cool. Though, physical therapy wouldn’t be a bad idea either. Kind of keeps in line with massage. If I lived somewhere in the valley, I could do both, all of them, in massage therapy. Now that would be ideal. I loved doing massage! I miss doing massage in fact.
It’s going to be another long weekend. Last weekend, I took Friday off and flew to Burbank to pick up an old Vanagon. It’s a 1989. I love this thing! Picked that up, drove to Long Beach for a nights stay on the Queen Mary. That was super cool. Next day we took off for the beach. That was nice! Spent a couple of hours walking along the shore, picking up shells. It was glorious. Drove from there to Kingman and then Sunday we drove home (we as in my mom and I). It was a long trip and I was beat!
Huntington Beach Pier
This weekend, we had graduation on Friday, we have a birthday party to go to on Saturday and we are staying the night in the valley following said party and then coming home on Sunday. I’m stoked about it but it makes me very tired.
I’ll have a week to recover and then the weekend after next, we (the family) are going back to California to go to the beach. I’m so excited. I even booked a hotel room on the same ship as last time. Should be a lot of fun.
Morning walk
Anyhow, traveling seems like such a normal thing in our life. And life just seems to keep moving on. It hasn’t stopped for my depression and it hasn’t stopped for the bad shit that happens. I miss my dad daily. I think about him daily and I hope eventually I won’t cry every day. I can’t say that’s going to be a thing. It feels like a long way off. It feels like I’m going to be feeling like this hole in my heart will never heal. I don’t expect it ever go away. Maybe just less painful. Less sharp stabbing pain. One can only hope. …. Time to sleep dear reader, it’s late here and morning comes way early.
Since I have an iPhone, I get have my photos show me different featured photos that change daily. Usually I will have one from sometime in history on that day, and some are great and others are not so great, but they always get me to smile. Today and yesterday, there were photos of my dad. One from when he retired from the Fire Department and the other was right before my grandma died. It was him and my mom and my grandma, taken only 2 weeks before she died.
Retirement photo. Him and my mom
I love that my phones gives me little glimpse into the past daily. I see some from my first Rock’N’Roll Race in Phoenix, doing a half marathon, and then some from doing the Tillman Run up here. There are photos of nature, mostly of course, and then there are photos of the dog and the kids and family.
Just before my grandma died. This is hanging on my fridge
I have been thinking about my dad a lot lately. I miss him a lot. I could really use him many times this last few weeks. I think about him laughing and I think about how he would find humor in everything. I miss hearing him laugh. I listen to my one voice mail that I kept of him and while it’s only a few seconds long, I feel like if I listen to it, I won’t forget what his voice sounded like. I have read that is the first thing you forget is the sound of their voice. I hope that in my mind, I haven’t forgotten what anyone’s voice sounded like…. Well, maybe I have a few people, but who knows.
I am glad that I didn’t blast my job on the internet yesterday when I was feeling upset. Things are trying to be moved around to help me out, so that’s a good sign. However, I’m still trying to figure out how to retire so I don’t have to worry so much about a job. Just life. And the best things that I worry about are all snuggled up next to me. Both of them 🥰❤️
I am still hoping that I will be able to change the time that I go into work to help allow for me to get my runs in in the morning again. I do miss seeing the sunrise and taking all kinds of amazing photos of it. I hope that I will be able to do that a lot in the near future. Also hoping to get the podcast going in the next few months. I keep thinking it would be good if I waited until I have bought the house, but, I don’t know when that will actually happen.
27MAR2026
Nothing…..
11APR2026
It’s been a while. I have been trying to do many things that bring me joy and really, it’s not as easy as it seems it would be. Grief is not something I was prepared for. Especially not like this. Today, I ran the Pat Tilman run in Tempe, where he, Pat, went to school, and played for both the Sun Devils – Arizona State University – and the Arizona Cardinals. There were 30,000 people there. I thought of my dad during the run.
I took the time to really think about him. How much I miss hearing him laugh and how much fun he brought to the lives of everyone he met. I miss giving him a hug. I can say that the last time I saw him, I gave him a really big hug and said, I love you Daddy! … I don’t know how my mom holds it together so well. I know that I would be a total mess and even now, typing this out, I have tears now salting up my freshly cleaned and lotioned face. Oh well.
I got a new phone this week and thought for a few moments that I lost the one voice mail that I had of his. Not sure why I kept that one, but, I still listen to it when I need to hear him. He was super supportive of my running, even ran a few races with me.
To be fair, my mom is also incredibly supportive of my running and has done races with me too
29APR2026
The last few days the phone has been giving me little videos of different things instead of the regular featured photos. Today was regular photos, for which I was very glad. One of Piper from three years ago after the opening night of her play, The Sound of Music. She was so adorable. Which got me to thinking about that week specifically.
My little goose
It’s coming up on an anniversary of a death of a close person. I wish I could take away all the pain that’s been gone through due to it, but I can’t change the past. Things are looking brighter in the future and that’s makes me happy. Not any easier but somehow a little lighter.
The day before that, we had dinner with Kelsie and Carl at Long Wongs. I have a photo of me with Silas sitting on my lap warming our hands. Not sure who took it. But wow, how life change so quickly after those two days, it was a shocker.
❤️
Since the death of my dad, I’m seeming to feel a lot more depressed. Rightly so I think. He was such a cool dude and I miss him. I found out what kind of soap he used last week. That took me down for two days mentally and emotionally. It was rough and I didn’t expect that at all. They say scent is the strongest sense tied to memory. One sniff I had to step back for a moment. The second sniff felt like it was the day he died all over again.
It’s time for dinner, and the trip down memory lane to come to a close for the night. Cereal for dinner. I’m going with Honey Nut Chex. Not too sweet but enough.
For the second time in the last ten years, I have lost respect for those I work for. Let me back up for context for you.
Now, I have a strict policy to not blast my job on the internet. I just feel like once you put it out there, it’s not going to be able to be taken back. No matter how many times you find it somewhere and it has to be taken down again. I have always had that policy ever since I was a little kid, and while I have broken that policy from time to time, I don’t think I want to go into it right now here.
As much as I want to talk about it, I won’t. However, I will say that with things that happened this week, I am hoping that I will be able to run more in the near future. How, you may ask? Well, I am hoping that I might be able to change my schedule from 7-3.30 to 8- 4.30. This would allow me run in the mornings again. It’s not anywhere near what would really help me, but, as a person who uses running in the morning as a way to cope with the issues that go through my head, I think this might be something very small that will make a big impact.
I have been promised a few things at work lately and everything that I said was going to happen has not happened. All the things that I been told would change, did not in fact change. And I most certainly will not be getting more help. I’m beyond disappointed to say the least. I want to rant. I want to scream into a void and yell until I can’t talk anymore. I want to take a sledge hammer to a rage room and really take my frustration out by destroying something. I would also like to ask her why.
Ducks on a log
But the thought of running in the morning again has its merit. It’s been nearly 5 years since I really have been running in the morning. And since the name of this is the morning high runner, it makes sense that I would be running in the mornings. I have thought how I was failing my dog for years for now because I haven’t been able to take her in the morning. Or should I say, Dear Reader, is that I have been having a hard time with recovering and have used that as an excuse to not get up in the morning and go do what makes me happiest. Which is ironically enough, getting up in the morning and going for a run with the dog. I’m hoping that I will be able to get that going again. If my boss says no to the time change, then I have no choice than to find employment somewhere else in the VA. Lucky for me, I am already doing that because I really don’t like being walked all over, like I am a rug. And I have let this happen to me, I strive to be the best at whatever job it is that I do. So I have been used and I allowed it because I want to do well and I want to succeed at my job. But I let it rule me and my life. I haven’t taken a proper vacation in many years and actually disconnected from work. I have taken a Monday and Friday off from time to time, but, nothing where I have just been gone for a week plus a few days.
I ran a little bit this morning too. Took the dog for two miles and I did enjoy it. I had to get up early and take mom to the airport at 7 and then when I got back, I was going to suggest that we go target practice today, however, about 42 seconds after I thought about that, Thomas’s phone rang and it was the transport guy who was going to be able to drop off Kelsie’s car to us today. That was exciting. Got to give both the girls a lesson driving a stick shift. They are scared to death and while it makes me giggle, I am also a little worried as neither of them can drive their new cars since they are both stick shifts. Personally, I would only drive a stick if I had the choice. And lucky for me, the new beetle, Bridget Jones, is a five speed manual transmission. Yay! 🤩😎
It’s been a long day and I really want to get to sleep now, so I will wish you all a good night my dear readers.
Shoes from a while ago… still one of my favorites… couldn’t find a recent photo to sign off so this is it.
Just under a week ago, we finally said goodbye to my dad. We had the service on what felt like the coldest day of the year, well, so far. It’s only the 16th of January after all. But, as far as the winter season, so far that was the coldest day. My three sisters and my mom and I sat in the front row of the church. Was a strange feeling being in that place again. The church grounds themselves are a place I spent a good deal of time at while I was a young teen.
I had gone to Phoenix the night before to pick up my oldest sister, Brandy from the airport. I got up early enough to do a short run, seems like I need to make sure to get out in nature daily, even when I’m grieving. Outside was cold, as I said, the coldest of the year. I got to mom’s house pretty early. We all did in fact. It was a very strange day. We got to the church just before noon, the fire engines were already there. Talked for a few and then loaded up into the fire trucks. Got to admit, that was my first ride in the front seat of the fire truck. Or in a fire truck at all. I have got to ride in the ambulance before. Going code three, not as fun as the fire truck, but, also, not an event I will ever want to repeat. The ride to the funeral home was nice, we chatted a bit, Piper and Rae and Steven and I.
We got to the little room in the funeral home and it was hard for all of us to walk into that. We all stood around and looked at the box with his photo on it. I think we tried to make some jokes, but it was so surreal. Being there, seeing him in one of my mom’s favorite photos of him. He was so full of life and he enjoyed laughing. He made everyone smile. .
I have to say, I find writing this a lot harder than I thought I would. Could be the fact that I’m sitting on my bed, very uncomforably, or because I’m half watching a movie. Who knows. But either way, this is harder than I thought it would be. Life has been pretty stressful these last few months without Kelly leaving, but with him gone, it’s been……
23Feb2026
Danger ducks at sunset
Today was the first evening run I have taken in a long time it seems. I have been feeling all kinds of lost lately and yet, there is a lot of good things that are happening right now. I saw a video today that I thought for sure dad would have really loved, so I sent it to him. I told him that I missed him and I could use his help a lot of days. I was lost in thoughts running, and while I did want to run for a lot longer than what I did, The Yolandi Dog didn’t want to run as far as we did, and I felt like I pulled her for a good half mile. Oh well. She enjoyed coming home. It felt good to run. It felt really good to stretch afterwards, but what I loved was taking a nice hot shower and then sitting down and making time for writing tonight.
I have been talking about doing a podcast recently and I have been stumped. And then I had thought about the book that Piper had given me the year before last for Christmas. It was book journal kind of thing that was called, Mom I Want To Hear Your Story. I thought about knowing and understanding that my parents had whole lives before I was born. They were mid 20s when I came along. I think about what I was doing in my mid 20s and have decided that if I ever had a book written about my life, it would for sure be banned in Texas 😁🤩😎
I have talked to my mom about doing that as an interview for my sisters and use that as a starting point to see how it would sound and then maybe do interviews of people. I feel like a lot of folks just want their story to be heard. To say things that have happened that they never would have thought to talk about with others. Maybe that’s a bit rich, maybe people don’t want that at all. I do know that when prompted, many are glad to talk all about them selves for how ever long they have. I wonder if doing this will be something that I love and I can quit my job and be independently wealthy and can do whatever.. I do worry about healthcare if that’s the case though…. 🧐🤨
Sunday walk
Today at work was not my best. I wanted to stay and finish what I was working on, but, I decided that I would start the day with that tomorrow. And then check on the daily stuff. I like that I have a plan when I get to work. It seems to keep me more on track than on days when I am not really prepared for the day. I was also told that my friend at work took a position out of where she is now. I am bummed. Like super sad over this today. I was thinking about it and I feel like she is one of those people that I could call friend.. Like a true friend, and now I will get to talk with her from time to time, but, she’s got a promotion and I don’t want to distract her when she does leave. I feel gut punched, and sad. I will get through it and I’m sure life will keep moving. But when you find one of those females, like one of those female friends that you can always talk to, like a new sister, it’s hard to watch them leave. She’s going to be awesome in her new role though, and I’m excited about that for her.
I was also thinking about how I feel like I’ve lost my passion. To be fair, I feel like I have lost my passion for anything right now. Grief is such a strange thing to me. One day I can get on just fine and keep going like life is somewhat normal. And then something happens that make me think of him. Somedays, I cry when this happens, and some days, I don’t cry, but I smile and get a little misty-eyed. It’s hard to feel anything while grieving. I am happy often, but I feel like it’s a lie, and I’m not really happy at all. I mean, there is so much that I wish I could have asked him, or I could have said to him. I feel like it’s the most unfair thing that has ever happened; to finish the rest of my life with him not there. I am hopeful that one day in the near future I will be able to get some new Ink and I can get my days done. Soonish I would like to find the box that has all the stuff that was in my desk, so I can find the lunch bag, like brown paper bag lunch bag – that says love dad on it. I know that seems a little odd, I’ve had it since I was 12, but it’s the little things in life that make such a huge difference. Like thinking about my parents dancing in the living room. I loved seeing that. I never grew up with a couple that screamed at each other, and they would make out in the kitchen. Eww. I digress…
At one point in the beginning of my running journey, I saw a post on Facebook in one of my running groups and he said, ‘If you’re not obsessed, find something else.’. I thought about that a lot today while running. What else did I have a passion for? I think about this and I think of doing this right here, right now, writing. It’s my outlet and I miss it when I don’t make it a habit. I keep thinking that if I ever want to be a better writer, then I have to write. UGH!! I have not progressed in this category in quite a long time. I thought about that time that I took up playing violin. I truly loved doing it. I took a few lessons, and I loved it. She said I would be playing with the symphony within 6 months if I kept it up. And then COVID happened and that didn’t happen. And then I thought about all of the coloring implements that I have that go with all of the coloring books that I have. Weird how that happens. 🧐🧐
I want to feel like I have purpose again, and then it brings me back to what do I want to do with my life and how can I make that work for me in the world of having to work? I would love to go back to doing massage. I miss that so very much. So much that I have recently purchased some massage cream again. I had to throw out the old stuff, it had gone rancid. I would love to do that again, but more on my terms, no 10 massages a day. Charge what I know I am worth and get into it again. Take classes on doing massage and how to do things that make it better for me and the client. Following massage as a passion is writing and running. After that would be being creative. I love making music, but I also love to make art and paint and draw. It’s been a hot minute since I did any of that. I feel like it might be just the thing to help me deal with processing dad’s passing. I figure maybe I can start by just doing one thing at a time. One day at a time. Not like I can take one and skip a few days. I mean I could if I was doing the mead diet, but that’s not the case.
When the passion bug first bit me, these were the beginning of my medals
Anyhow, I feel like I’m a little fuzzy, so I’m going to call it for tonight and this post. I’m tired all the time these days. I wish I could blame it on something good, but I haven’t felt like I have had a good reason to not be able to do what I need to do. I feel like I’m failing. I will keep trying my best. But I could really go for a vacation right now. Something where I don’t have to plan any of it. All I do is show up, and we do whatever we please.
Today is Christmas Day, and it’s the first one that I have felt so cold and unprepared and not even close to being interested in. I assumed the first holiday without dad wasn’t going to be fun or easy, and well, I guess I’m making it. And while yes, technically, Thanksgiving was the first holiday without him, he passed the week before Thanksgiving, today feels just empty.
New jacket. She hates it.
I took the dog for a walk this morning, we only went a half mile, but I still managed to get her out. The kids all came over and we did breakfast and then gifts. It’s weird being an adult at times. There are years that I buy a ton of things for myself and make sure they are wrapped and stuff and then there are years that I only get stocking stuffers that I know about. When I leave it to my family, I’m the one who has nothing to open. At least with the family Christmas draw, I know that one person will send things. It doesn’t have to be anything big or special, but it’s nice to open something. I am grateful for that.
After all the gifts were done, I made some noodles to take with chicken soup to mom’s house. She’s been sick the last few days and chicken soup always feels nice and good to have when you feel crappy. Took that and the gifts that I had for her to the house and we had a nice visit. I got her some new sewing scissors, and those looked really nice. I too got some new scissors, as did Ella, but I will have to keep those ones locked with the sewing stuff. The fire crew went to visit her while I was there and that too was a nice visit. Once they left, I started the fire and the chill that’s been at the house for the last month, has finally gone. I’m grateful that dad had all the wood stacked and ready to go all I had to do was light the thing and away we went.
I feel very, I don’t know. Not empty, just numb still. I have good days and then there are days like this that just gut me completely. My cousin Jessica is doing her first Christmas without her dad as well, Uncle Kenny passed in February this year. My other two cousins, well, this is their second Christmas without Uncle Tim and I have to hope that it will get better. The mood is just somber and there doesn’t seem like there is a lot of joy in the house right now. I tried to have a wine cooler thing and it just didn’t work. I don’t want to drink. I just want to hide and not talk to anyone. I also want to be warm and for the last few weeks, that hasn’t happened either. I want my dad to come home mostly. I want to hear his voice and hear him laughing like he always did. Or make funny faces. I want to hug him again and tell him how much I love him and that I am a better person for having him as my dad.
❤️❤️
I knew today was going to be hard one, but I also know that maybe it will get easier. Maybe it won’t hurt after a while. Or rather maybe it won’t hurt like it does now. Maybe one day, in the future, I will look back and smile at the happy times that we all had together and be grateful for the 16,841 days that I had him as my dad. I’m lucky, not everyone got to have such a great guy as their dad for as long as I did. Certainly not everyone got to have a great dad, so I know that I have been a lucky kid to have him in my life…..
When he passed, I got to the house that morning, and they hadn’t covered his face, so I got to see him there in his chair. It’s an image that I can’t really get out of my head at this point. There was no sign of a struggle, he just went to sleep finally that morning, and let out a long breath, and then didn’t have another one. So many questions swirl through my mind about it. The autopsy report isn’t available yet and there is no cause of death, time of death, or place of death listed on the death certificate, so we are no closer to finding out what happened than we were the day he died. I guess fluids and such have to be sent across the country for that kind of testing because why would the west coast need something like that. Fun fact that I learned, you cannot do much in terms of life insurance, SS, or pensions without those items on the death certificate. Interesting indeed. I will have to update the book a little bit now.
I thought about him on the walk this morning. Thought about how he left right before the holidays, before he turned 70, that would have been Sunday last. I thought about how strange things feel just knowing that he’s not there to ask questions to or talk to. Mom told me today that Kirk is doing the eulogy for the service and part of me wants to do one as well, and I wanted to ask my mom about it, but, it feels like that’s not something I want to do when the shit comes down to it. I am the worst about crying and I cry without warning so often. Maybe I will write one for my sisters and I and mom to share it with each other.
Out with my girl… been out daily
As far as honoring my father through running, I can say that I have been getting up and taking the dog out daily again. I’m sure she’s super excited about it. We only went a short way this morning, but as I said before, it’s still making the effort to do it. Eating right however, is still somewhat of a challenge. Though I will be going to see a dietitian this coming week, and will be doing CGM – continuous glucose monitoring – so I might have some insight as to why I have such a hard time losing weight. Most likely, I’m addicted to sugar and don’t know how to give up the sweet delicious flavors of sugar. I have before and I remember when I was down to almost my goal weight, I decided that I could totally treat myself, and now I’m still sitting at 163 and no progress since about April of last year when I started to eat shit again. Like DOTS, oh I love those. Or eating ice cream again, even if it’s non dairy ice cream stuff. I don’t know. I guess I will have to find out this week. I see her, and then I will see my PCP the following day to see how my labs are and if I need to make any changes. I need to talk to someone about how I’m feeling because let me say, the stress from life, compounded with dad dying has been almost more than I can bear.
I am working on getting up at the correct time to ensure I can get at least three miles in the morning in. I wanted to think that I will run after work, and though it’s a great idea, and I would get more sunlight on my legs, it’s just not going to happen yet. I have been enjoying having Ella with me on the runs, she does so well. I’m so proud of her for going with me and trying, and because she keeps trying, I will continue to take her with me when I can. Lately, I haven’t really wanted to talk while out for a run. I feel very much up in my head. I like to think while I’m out. However, good news, I did get some new headphones for Christmas, so I will be trying those out tomorrow when I go out. I will be doing a long run since I don’t have to worry about, are the kids coming over today, do I have to make breakfast, are we doing presents and the like. I am lucky that I don’t have to work. But what’s crazy, I’ve already had two days off in a row, and now I have another three days off. Weird. I feel like I should be more productive. Clean the house some more.. I will be doing that for sure. I’m excited about getting the desks cleaned off, will be nice to see it all clean and pretty and dusted.
Opening gifts
I will keep trying to do good on my diet, though, food is comforting when I’m feeling especially down. I do love my Ben and Jerry’s non-dairy ice cream. But, it’s going to be for the long haul, so slow and steady I guess. I know I will have ups and downs, but I feel like as long as I can keep in mind why I’m doing this, I will be on the right tract. For now, I’ll just take me a little nap and call it good. I’m all of the sudden so very tired. Merry Christmas, dear reader. Hope you have a day filled with love and smiles and lots and lots of hugs.
❤️❤️
One week later… New Years Day
It’s rained most of the day. Feels exactly like I feel inside. Cold. Lots of tears and just grey and sad. I went to bed around 9 last night. I can’t remember the last time I was able to stay awake long enough to ring in the new year. 2019? 2020? Maybe 2020. Me and Thomas had gone to Nessa and Jason’s and it snowed so much. I loved that. We played cards and had such a great time. The snow was so deep going home that night. Love snow apocalypse. ❄️
Took the dog out for a run as well as having Ella with me. We ran to moms and back. Had a nice little visit and got to see deer 🦌 at her house. So cool. Got home and breakfast was just about done. That was so good.
Not sure if you can see, but there is a deer
As of yesterday, I started to keep a good log and I have to say that just writing it down makes me not want to eat bad stuff. Can’t say what tomorrow will bring but at least I’m working on doing it in real time.
Tried on dresses for next weekend. I’m so not looking forward to this. I’m already falling apart and the service is still a week away. The dresses I had thought to wear last year for Uncle Tim’s service didn’t fit at that time. Since dropping 20lbs, they fit so much nicer now so I don’t have to worry about buying a new one. But that didn’t stop me from going to Goodwill and buying clothes. That was fun. New clothes for work, for running, for the fun of it. Ella and Silas got a new little guy thing. Lights up and has so many cool little things. I looked for shoes but nothing stands out. I did find my Hawaiian shirt for the service. Thomas found a Smoky the Bear shirt. Seems fitting. I couldn’t find a Batman shirt. Dammit!
I have been running daily. The dog is happy about that. She will have to wear her jacket tomorrow again. Makes me very unhappy but it’s cleaner that way. She’s so funny. I love that girl so much!
Before our morning run
Time to do my language lesson. Maybe I’ll be motivated to sit and work on it tomorrow and make some progress. Maybe I’ll sleep. Fingers crossed. 😘😘❤️
Weird that it took Kelly dying for me to really start writing again. Not that I didn’t write before but certainly not this much in a months time. I started to think about what I wanted to do to honor him. Running the 6.9 km daily. I will be lucky to get out and get one mile daily.
My dog hates me because she wants to go out and I’ve been a couch potato for like three years. Ugh! So I’m a little hesitant to make any commitments. However, since it’s to honor my father, the man who stuck with it to the end, would want me to be wishy washy about what I am committed to doing.
Friday night put my back door
When I started running more than a decade ago (that sounds so weird, running consistently for more than ten years), I had no idea that I would go from being pretty meh about it to becoming a serious runner. And from there I have only gone back down hill. I’ve checked my miles over the years. Nearly 7,000 miles since I took it up ten years ago. Almost eleven years to be more precise. Hard to believe it’s been that long or that I’ve logged that many miles. And what’s crazy is I still love doing it.
I do love it. And I find myself wanting to do it more and more these days. Could be because I know it’s what makes me happy or it could be because my parents have been huge supporters of my running and I want to honor my father or it could be just because I love the feeling of it.
When I thought of doing something to honor my dad, I thought I would run 6.9 km daily. One kilometer for every year of his life. But I want to be realistic about things. I haven’t been running that much and hitting that route daily for 70 days would be enough to give me shin splints. So I will get up to that. However, I will make the commitment to get up and go run daily. But more than that. I will make the same commitment to my health that he did before he passed. He did so good on his meals once he was given the diabetic diagnosis. He cut out carbs and had lost more than 20lbs in the time he was doing this. His shirts fit looser than they used to. So that’s what I’ll do.
Saturday morning will Ella
I will make a commitment to do what he did with his eating, cutting out the bad and eating the good and sticking with it. He was committed to it I can do that too. I can do this thing. 70 days. So that would be March 1. So far I made it through one day. We shall see how it rolls. Seems I’ve been sleeping all the time now when I can. Went to sleep at 7.30 last night. Like completely out before 7.30. Slept until sometime after 3 and then it didn’t feel like I really slept much after that. But we did go run today. And yesterday.
Guess it will have to happen in the morning. The run I mean. Here we go dear reader. Maybe I will have more stories for you. I also thought about telling one story about him every day too. I so t know about that. It’s hard enough to get me to commit to running daily. But maybe with this I can commit to finishing the yearly you vs the year challenge. Would be nice to finish it. Injury has taken me down for a few years now. But I think it’s time. Time to move my butt and get going again.
This morning
So here we go again. On my own. Well. With the dog but you get the idea. And now it’s time for me to get going to bed. I admit I’m tired. Ready to call it a night so I will say good night friend. Sleep well.
It’s inevitable. We all die. No one gets out of this life alive. My dad used to make jokes about it like, when I die I want to go like my grandfather; peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car. Or another thing he used to say was everyone is dying to get to the cemetery. Stupid jokes of course but they used to make me laugh.
There has been such an outpouring of love and support from everyone. All over the country, all over the state and even from the Pacific Ocean… that would be my little sister who was on deployment. He work led as a fire fighter for more than 20 years. All of them from the time I was in high school on. In fact he didn’t go full time at the department until it became a full time opportunity. Before that, they had a day crew and then volunteers for nights and weekends. I used to go to the station and watch Bevis and Butthead with him because we don’t have MTV at home. And I was told no I couldn’t watch it at home.
Turkey trot one year
I try to see that death isn’t the end of life, it’s just another stage of it. I’m not worried about his soul, I’ll leave that to others, I just know that he’s ok. He’s safe and now he gets to be part of my life only in my memories. I’ve listened to his voicemail a few times and watched old videos of him and the kids just to hear his voice. To hear him laugh again. He always had a smile on his face and when he walked into a room he lit it up with his endless energy.
Of course as his child I knew him differently than coworkers. Growing up he was out of town a lot working. That started about the time I turned 7 or so and lasted until the year or two following my high school graduation. Not always out of town but working for the state took him to a lot of places. He worked in Prescott while we lived in Kingman, and then once my mom’s job took us to Pinetop, it took a month or two before he could get transferred to their Show Low office. I still drive by it and think of him being there. He worked as natural resource department clearing trees and other bits of shrubbery from the shoulder of the road. It was after this particular job with the state that he got on with the fire department full time. And boy did he love that!
Dusting the house this year
Personally, I’m not a blood and guts kind of kid. I don’t want to see things coming out of your body that is supposed to be safely inside the body. So I know my calling isn’t the same as his, but he had so much fun with it. Yes, there will be calls that I remember him being on and the way it took a toll on his mind and his heart. He said the first day he ever worked after getting his EMT license was a suicide that didn’t work. After many years of seeing that exact kind of call he would say they should offer a class called suicide: doing it right the first time. Yes, terrible I know but anyone who I’ve met since then who has worked as an ER person or EMT/ Paramedic, they will agree. It’s gut wrenching to see that so many try and fail and in that process alter the trajectory of their whole life. Good bad or otherwise. And just to be clear, suicide isn’t something to joke about but you have to make light of it or the job will put you in therapy for life. There were countless car collisions that he cleaned up dead bodies off the road and that would gut him completely. It takes a special kind to do this job. And I’ve only known a two that I grew up with who have taken on that job as well.
In trying to cope with it, I’ve gone back to work (as if I could just not go 😑) it’s good to have something to take my mind off of the obvious. I have a great support system who is working with me to help me with anything I need. I am grateful for my coworkers, they are pretty amazing.
Another turkey trot
Few days later…
Was driving around town doing stuff and things hanging out with the kids. There was a truck that pulls up to us, we’re driving the same speed and he pulls ahead and I look over and see the load of wood. Do you ever know when it’s the last time you do something like that with them? Like I never knew it would be the last time to hug my dad when I did. I’ll never be able to go get a cord of wood with him either. What hurts is the not knowing it was going to be the last time I got to hug him. It was the last time I got to say I love you daddy. And yes. I still called him daddy. When I wasn’t calling him Kelly. There are no more birthday party with my mom. No more Christmas seasons we take a full day to have his birthday. No more laughs. Fuck!! This fucking sucks!
Always loved the hair
I don’t know how my sisters are handling this. I know that I have to keep going and I have to keep doing my thing. Keep working. Keep living. Just keep livin. I imagine everyone who has lost their father, or people who have a close relationship with their fathers, all go through this. That feeling like your compass star has disappeared, like your lost on the ocean, dead in the water. And that ocean, well, it never stops. The waves just keep coming at you. I know eventually I will move through what I will consider the hardest part, but not now. Not today, certainly not this year. Not likely I’ll ever really get to the point when I don’t cry thinking about it. Maybe one day I’ll stop seeing him in his chair dead. Maybe one day that day will stop playing in my head over and over again. But not today.
Today, or tonight rather, I shall put on my favorite Christmas movie and watch George C. Scott portray Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge, and be sad. Sad that I don’t get to hear my dad laugh again. Sad that I can’t hear him telling his grandkids to put stuff away or to come play. He’s not going to show me whatever cool thing he’s got going on in the barn. And I’m never going to be the same person I was when I was with him. Because only he could bring that out on me.
I used to cut his mustache. We would go outside on the back deck, weather permitting of course. It would take me nearly an hour to do his face, get the old man hairs out from his ears and his eyebrows and do some basic trimming on his hair. I would take a gummy before hand and we would listen to classic rock and laugh together. I will miss that.
And with life throwing more curve balls than I can hit I’m starting to unravel it feels like. I know Piper is worried about me but I wish she wouldn’t. I know life will go on and things will change, it’s inevitable. Life is change. But for now, I will do my best to just keep livin. It’s not like I can take days and be knocked out for many at a time. That’s not reality. Reality is going to sleep and not knowing if I will wake up at 2 or 3 and not be able to go back to sleep. Reality is getting up with heavy feet and go running. I’m still debating my running to honor him. I want to set up a certain distance, 6.9 km. Equals about the distance of running around the lake daily. I think I may do it. Or at least make the commitment to do it. But right now I’m still not able to commit to much of anything.
Getting married. He was awesome!
If you have read this far, dear reader, I do appreciate it. I’m not doing well right now but life changes frequently and so I know this is but a fragment of time in my life that I will be feeling like this. I know that his memory will be honored and that he won’t be easily forgotten by me, my sisters or my mom, or my community. He was kind of a big deal in the community. He was my hero. I think Kelsie said it best. He had a way of making you feel like you could do anything. Which is why my girls will be heading to school soon to train to become fire fighters and EMT’s. He would have been so damn proud. 🥲
And now I shall rest some. It’s been a long day that has been very loud. I’m going to braid my hair and head to bed. Good night~
The last 10 days have been very blurry for me. Monday of last week, my father passed away. Peacefully, in his sleep in his chair in the front room at his home. I saw him just the week before. I had asked him if he could watch Silas for the afternoon. I gave him a big hug and said I love you before I left. And that was the last time I talked to him.
Me and dad
I live close to my parents. 1.2 miles.. I know, I’ve tracked it. I’ve run to their house on a number of occasions, I’ve run home from their house the long way at night many times. I haven’t been great about talking to them all the time. My little sister on the other hand, talks with them, or talked with them, daily. Of course she does. She’s on deployment. I completely understand that. I did the same, as much as I could. Though the last two of mine I was married and called him more than my parents. I had them on my Garmin Connect so they would see me running or if something happened, they could track me. There were many days I would get a text message from him while I was running telling me great job. He was so supportive of me running. We even did a few local races together.
Turkey trot with matching socks.
My parents were married for more than 47 years. I only remember because I was born about 18 months after they were married. When my mom called and said I need you to come home, I knew it. In my heart of hearts, I knew this was what it was. When I got there, I had to park at the neighbors house because damn near the entire fire department was in the road at their house. I ran in, threw my keys on the bench and said, “What the fuck happened?!” Much to my surprise, everyone turns to look at me and Greg, one of the firemen he , my dad, worked with for years, walked up to me to tell me, He didn’t make it.
I can honestly say that nothing has ever prepared me for those words. I have thought about death a lot and mentally, I have never gone there with my parents. I love my mom and dad. My dad was my hero. In my mind, he ranks up there with the other heroes of my childhood; Indiana Jones and Joe Montana. He was such a San Francisco fan, for both football and baseball. I was told that the hardest part is saying goodbye while they are lying in the mortuary, but truth be told, it wasn’t that way for me. The worst part was watching my mom cut a lock of his hair, take his ring off, and say goodbye. I can still see that part so clearly in my head. It’s such a gut punch that it still takes my breath away thinking about it. I hope one day that will subside.
The rest of the day was pretty blurry. My mom and I were put into a fire truck and the entire Pinetop Fire Department, half of the police department, and a few others who were with us did a funeral procession to the mortuary. I was told it was something to see, my dad was such a big part of the community. He was the Fire Marshall; Fire Investigator for the last years that he worked with the station. So many people knew him. Thomas got to the house around 11 that morning, and he was with me while we got to say goodbye. It was the most surreal feeling. I know he’s gone, but I didn’t want to believe it. I still don’t. I just want him to come home.
Morning run he was tracking me on, passed by his house for a photo and hug
This is going to be the first Thanksgiving without him. The first of a lot of things in my life without him I guess. My little sister and her family are here still and having Thanksgiving with my mom. My mom asked me if I would ask Piper to please come live with her for a while, so Piper flew in on Friday and came up with my uncle. She will move in over the weekend. I’m so glad she’s home. I have missed her terribly. I wish she didn’t come home due to this. But she’s here now and that makes my heart happy. I know my parents house has been a revolving door for so many people coming in and out, wanting to help in any way. I’m glad there is a lot of support from so many right now.
My heart hurts most for my mom. She is the one who just lost her partner, her best friend, her companion, her love. They started dating 55 years ago, when they were 14. She says that they met in church and stated dating at that age. The story that I know goes something like he dumped her after a month for ‘big nose Becky’. They graduated the same year and went their own ways. They both had a daughter and had gotten married. It didn’t work for either of those marriages, practice marriages, and eventually they found their ways back to church in Tempe, where they first met. He asked her if she would babysit so he could go out, since she had a daughter the same age as his daughter. Life progressed, they got married, they had me and Alexia. I grew up seeing my dad as a hero who could do no wrong, and it seems that’s the general consensus of my sisters as well, and now, how am I supposed to go on in a world without him? How is she supposed to go on without him?
Obviously, life will go on. Divorce has shown all of us that even after the worst things happen, life continues. Reba’s “For My Broken Heart” really hits. The world isn’t going to stop turning for my broken heart. It’s a hard reality that I have to face, and one that my sisters and mom have to face as well.
Dad and Silas making something
He was a really cool dude. I used to describe him to people as this cute little blonde dude running around. His pants always looked way too big for him, but he had a great smile. And he always had a smile on his face and he could tell the best blonde jokes. Alexia looks a lot like him, whereas I look more like my mom. She got the same color hair as him as well. Anytime I ever needed him in my life, he’s always been there for me. Whether it’s when I asked him to come to Louisiana and pick me up and take me and Piper home, or can you watch Silas, or Piper when she was little? What is the square footage of an acre? And I can’t talk to him anymore. I don’t like being in this club.
My face has been salt crusted for a while now. I took my contacts out that day and knew I wasn’t going to wear them for a while. I can’t when I’ve been crying, and thus far, I’ve cried daily. I don’t know when I will stop crying every day, but, until those days come, I have to wear my glasses. Only time I will wear them is to run. I can handle it for that hour and some change. But only just. The first day back to work I felt like my head was spinning all day. The following day wasn’t much better, but, I didn’t cry at my desk. The third day I kind of zoned out. I have the next three days following Thanksgiving off, so I am hoping that come December, I can focus a little more. I’m not going to hold my breath though. Crystal came up on Monday evening, Brandy was there Wednesday, Alexia on Thursday, and Piper home on Friday. Brandy has gone home, Crystal has gone home for a while, but will be coming back up next week sometime. Alexia will be leaving sometime next week as well, but, I don’t know.
The first night, I slept in my room at my parents house. Second night as well. I couldn’t sleep. I’m still not sleeping well, but it was strange to wake up in my room. It still has the same colors on the walls, but, I was sleeping at an angle I had never slept before, so I had a very different perspective that morning. Everything felt so surreal, like a dream. I took the van on Wednesday with mom and Brandy and Crystal and as I was driving, I was thinking, I never got to do this with him. I never got to take him on a ride in the van. UGH! I feel so much guilt for not doing more with him, or being over there more often than what I was. I have been over there daily since then save one?? Two? I feel like my world has been crushed. I walk around in a half daze going through life.
Few days later ~
I’m still going over this all in my head and I can’t get it out of head. We have shared many photos from days gone by, I would like to state that I wasn’t always this cool, clearly, as evidence would suggest. I have pulled my box of photos out from under the bed a few times now, and I haven’t been able to open it yet. I want to. I have spent far too much time in the daytime looking at the photos I have on my phone. I will eventually, but I don’t know when I will.
Vacation tends to hurt me
I slept for the first time in two weeks last night. So much so that I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning. It was strange to feel like that. I know that I haven’t slept. I was reading something today that suggested I need to loosen up. Not in like a I’m bunged up kind of way, but more like I have been clenching my jaws so hard that I can feel the skin on my head tightening. I have been wearing my shoulders like earrings, and to be honest, I hadn’t noticed. I can feel all of the muscles in my body so very tense, and I don’t know about them being able to relax for a while. I have asked for a foot rub and that has yet I have been not able to really allow anyone to touch me right now. There have been many hugs with many people and those are amazing, but, I’m not a person who likes someone up in my bubble.
I want to run. Everything in me wants to run for miles and miles. Do miles to honor my dad, and yet, I feel stuck right now. Piper said I am depressed and I said, well, yeah, I’m pretty sad right now. I lost my hero in my life and I don’t want to have to deal with living in a world where he is no longer in. I just never thought he would die. Honestly. Somehow I thought my parents were going to live forever. And I know that we all die, it’s not that, it’s that I’m sad that I can’t talk to him right now. I can’t just pop over to their house and see how he’s doing. Or see what cool project he’s working on in his shop. I can’t go over and cut his mustache for him. And right now, he’s no longer in a solid form, he’s ashes in a box. Fuck, I hate this so fucking much!!
My husband asked if I was mad. I’m not mad. I don’t see a point in being mad at someone who is dead. Like what good does that do. I’m very sad about it. I’m so torn up that driving home from work all I can think about is him. I know that I’ll see him in my dreams sometime, but I haven’t yet. I know that he’s ok, and that he’s watching over us now… I wonder if the soul can be in many places at once… Kind of like astral projection, can I be here with them, and yet with the rest of the group as well? I don’t know, guess I will have to wait and find out. 🧐🧐
If you have stayed with me this long, dear reader, I do appreciate it. This the first person this close to me that I have lost so I am sure that I will have lots of thoughts on it, and will run and write about it. I will have to think of something that would honor him. Maybe run 69 days in a row beginning on his birthday, December 21st. He would have been 70. So young too… I never wanted to be part of the this cousins club, as my sister puts it. I just thought I would have more time. And I had a lot of time with him. I’m lucky that I am 46 before my dad passed. I got to have 16,841 days with my dad. More than so many folks on the planet. I’m a lucky kid too, he was something amazing for sure. He would bring me a glass of water when I was sick and throwing up and then hand me my toothbrush afterwards. He gave me my own birthday cards from him that had the Peanuts comic strip characters in it, since I used to read his old books from them. He would run with me. So yes, running will be my way to honor him somehow. Maybe the days consecutively will be something to shoot for.
Race Day with the family
It’s time to get moving now, time for sleep, who knows if it will come tonight, but the dog is looking at me waiting for me to finish so she can move to my side of the bed. Thomas is sleeping next to me, and Ella is sound asleep in the bed in the next room. I think I will run in the morning. Good night friends ~ ❤️
It’s been a long time since I have thought about certain aspects of my life. I think after this evenings triggering, many miles are needed on figuring out how to work with/through it.
Bear with me, dear reader, I’m a bit shaky right now and will have to re-read this in hopes that it’s not too crazy. But not like the, oh that’s a wild fun story crazy, the kind that make your heart beat hard and you can’t breathe and you have to pace for a while…
Anyhow, let me explain. This past two weeks have been, well, three weeks now, have been challenging to say the least. With so much going on, I have tried to relieve stress and have not had a lot of good luck with that. I am grateful that I have not eaten my body weight in Ben and Jerry’s dairy free ice cream. I took a break and was sitting on the back deck just sitting in my swinging chair. I went in to the house and Tom is watching a movie, GreyHound??, with Tom Hanks and I watched with him for a few moments. There was a part where his character sounds general quarters. Now for those not familiar with this, it’s when a ship goes on high alert for enemy engagement. Everyone runs to their assigned spots and does what is needed while making sure to have what’s called Flashgear on. It’s super sexy, let me tell you. 😑.
For whatever reason, this set me off. I had to come upstairs and I was shaking my head and memories came flooding back. Many of all kinds and this then threw me into a panic attack. Yay panic attack. Knowing that it will pass, I did exactly what I’ve watched my husband do for three weeks, pace the floor in our bedroom while talking to myself. Dammit! It’s been years since this has happened.
I tried to put music on, but it’s not helping as much as I wanted it to.
Two days later…
The following day I woke up still out of sorts. I took my computer and worked out of the office for half the day. It wasn’t too bad of a day. I’m glad to go back tomorrow. I slept pretty good and today I didn’t go in. Had other things to do. I am hoping for good thing from that so fingers crossed but I will have to see how things play out for it.
Today was better. Took the dog for a walk this morning. Would like to again tomorrow. Not sure how cold it will be but I’m always prepared. Or almost always prepared. Even have a new dog coat so she can run in the rain and snow and not get soaking wet. I’m stoked about it.
Will have to go now. I’m getting tired and it’s time to put the phone down and go to bed. Good night for now…
So it’s seems with so much in my country going on, I thought it was time to join the 21st century and start my own podcast.
What? Why? Well to answer the what, yes. I think it’s time I try my hand at doing my own podcast. I have got the equipment now and I have the computer capability to do so. The why though. Well it’s a bit complicated but not really.
I write. I write about running and related things. Trail runs being my favorite. Then when I was hurt I decided to do writing prompts to help the quality of my writing. I have been slacking a lot on it. But that’s what I was thinking of doing it on. I have all these ideas for writing but I want to be able to get more in-depth with it. Have a conversation about it. And for the first time in my life the idea of having my voice silenced because of what I’m saying, meaning it could be offensive to the federal government, is so very wrong!
We have built our country foundation that it’s ok to speak your mind whether others agree or not. That the press have a right to print what they find and now it’s searching for truth. If you want to truth, follow the money trail. That’s who runs the country, the ones who buy everyone else’s loyalty. The NRA is a prime example. People would rather be ok with letting kids die than enforce the already existing laws because how dare someone want to take away their guns. No one is coming for your weapons. We just think you should have a background check for it. Wait three days. The whole shebang. And quite frankly if there is a weapon that the military uses, I don’t think it should be available for purchase by the general population. It’s designed for war and combat. Killing people. But that’s my thought on it.
The real thing is I am not going to be silenced. I was thinking of getting a few episodes done before I start uploading it. Not sure if the name but for now, a running hiatus is what I’ve come up with. I’m going to do a live recording that goes with it, but I’m not sure where to go from there. More learning is needed. Maybe a YouTube channel might be the way to go. We shall see.
That is all for now. What do you think, dear reader? Anyone interested in it? Even if not, I figure I can send it to my daughter who moved across the country so she can see me and talk to me that way. Who knows, there could be guests and such but that’s where I’m at with it. Thanks friends for your support. It’s appreciated.
The Morning High Runner 