The First of Many: The Empty Feeling of Holidays

Today is Christmas Day, and it’s the first one that I have felt so cold and unprepared and not even close to being interested in. I assumed the first holiday without dad wasn’t going to be fun or easy, and well, I guess I’m making it. And while yes, technically, Thanksgiving was the first holiday without him, he passed the week before Thanksgiving, today feels just empty.

I took the dog for a walk this morning, we only went a half mile, but I still managed to get her out. The kids all came over and we did breakfast and then gifts. It’s weird being an adult at times. There are years that I buy a ton of things for myself and make sure they are wrapped and stuff and then there are years that I only get stocking stuffers that I know about. When I leave it to my family, I’m the one who has nothing to open. At least with the family Christmas draw, I know that one person will send things. It doesn’t have to be anything big or special, but it’s nice to open something. I am grateful for that.

After all the gifts were done, I made some noodles to take with chicken soup to mom’s house. She’s been sick the last few days and chicken soup always feels nice and good to have when you feel crappy. Took that and the gifts that I had for her to the house and we had a nice visit. I got her some new sewing scissors, and those looked really nice. I too got some new scissors, as did Ella, but I will have to keep those ones locked with the sewing stuff. The fire crew went to visit her while I was there and that too was a nice visit. Once they left, I started the fire and the chill that’s been at the house for the last month, has finally gone. I’m grateful that dad had all the wood stacked and ready to go all I had to do was light the thing and away we went.

I feel very, I don’t know. Not empty, just numb still. I have good days and then there are days like this that just gut me completely. My cousin Jessica is doing her first Christmas without her dad as well, Uncle Kenny passed in February this year. My other two cousins, well, this is their second Christmas without Uncle Tim and I have to hope that it will get better. The mood is just somber and there doesn’t seem like there is a lot of joy in the house right now. I tried to have a wine cooler thing and it just didn’t work. I don’t want to drink. I just want to hide and not talk to anyone. I also want to be warm and for the last few weeks, that hasn’t happened either. I want my dad to come home mostly. I want to hear his voice and hear him laughing like he always did. Or make funny faces. I want to hug him again and tell him how much I love him and that I am a better person for having him as my dad.

I knew today was going to be hard one, but I also know that maybe it will get easier. Maybe it won’t hurt after a while. Or rather maybe it won’t hurt like it does now. Maybe one day, in the future, I will look back and smile at the happy times that we all had together and be grateful for the 16,841 days that I had him as my dad. I’m lucky, not everyone got to have such a great guy as their dad for as long as I did. Certainly not everyone got to have a great dad, so I know that I have been a lucky kid to have him in my life…..

When he passed, I got to the house that morning, and they hadn’t covered his face, so I got to see him there in his chair. It’s an image that I can’t really get out of my head at this point. There was no sign of a struggle, he just went to sleep finally that morning, and let out a long breath, and then didn’t have another one. So many questions swirl through my mind about it. The autopsy report isn’t available yet and there is no cause of death, time of death, or place of death listed on the death certificate, so we are no closer to finding out what happened than we were the day he died. I guess fluids and such have to be sent across the country for that kind of testing because why would the west coast need something like that. Fun fact that I learned, you cannot do much in terms of life insurance, SS, or pensions without those items on the death certificate. Interesting indeed. I will have to update the book a little bit now.

I thought about him on the walk this morning. Thought about how he left right before the holidays, before he turned 70, that would have been Sunday last. I thought about how strange things feel just knowing that he’s not there to ask questions to or talk to. Mom told me today that Kirk is doing the eulogy for the service and part of me wants to do one as well, and I wanted to ask my mom about it, but, it feels like that’s not something I want to do when the shit comes down to it. I am the worst about crying and I cry without warning so often. Maybe I will write one for my sisters and I and mom to share it with each other.

As far as honoring my father through running, I can say that I have been getting up and taking the dog out daily again. I’m sure she’s super excited about it. We only went a short way this morning, but as I said before, it’s still making the effort to do it. Eating right however, is still somewhat of a challenge. Though I will be going to see a dietitian this coming week, and will be doing CGM – continuous glucose monitoring – so I might have some insight as to why I have such a hard time losing weight. Most likely, I’m addicted to sugar and don’t know how to give up the sweet delicious flavors of sugar. I have before and I remember when I was down to almost my goal weight, I decided that I could totally treat myself, and now I’m still sitting at 163 and no progress since about April of last year when I started to eat shit again. Like DOTS, oh I love those. Or eating ice cream again, even if it’s non dairy ice cream stuff. I don’t know. I guess I will have to find out this week. I see her, and then I will see my PCP the following day to see how my labs are and if I need to make any changes. I need to talk to someone about how I’m feeling because let me say, the stress from life, compounded with dad dying has been almost more than I can bear.

I am working on getting up at the correct time to ensure I can get at least three miles in the morning in. I wanted to think that I will run after work, and though it’s a great idea, and I would get more sunlight on my legs, it’s just not going to happen yet. I have been enjoying having Ella with me on the runs, she does so well. I’m so proud of her for going with me and trying, and because she keeps trying, I will continue to take her with me when I can. Lately, I haven’t really wanted to talk while out for a run. I feel very much up in my head. I like to think while I’m out. However, good news, I did get some new headphones for Christmas, so I will be trying those out tomorrow when I go out. I will be doing a long run since I don’t have to worry about, are the kids coming over today, do I have to make breakfast, are we doing presents and the like. I am lucky that I don’t have to work. But what’s crazy, I’ve already had two days off in a row, and now I have another three days off. Weird. I feel like I should be more productive. Clean the house some more.. I will be doing that for sure. I’m excited about getting the desks cleaned off, will be nice to see it all clean and pretty and dusted.

I will keep trying to do good on my diet, though, food is comforting when I’m feeling especially down. I do love my Ben and Jerry’s non-dairy ice cream. But, it’s going to be for the long haul, so slow and steady I guess. I know I will have ups and downs, but I feel like as long as I can keep in mind why I’m doing this, I will be on the right tract. For now, I’ll just take me a little nap and call it good. I’m all of the sudden so very tired. Merry Christmas, dear reader. Hope you have a day filled with love and smiles and lots and lots of hugs.

❤️❤️

One week later… New Years Day

It’s rained most of the day. Feels exactly like I feel inside. Cold. Lots of tears and just grey and sad. I went to bed around 9 last night. I can’t remember the last time I was able to stay awake long enough to ring in the new year. 2019? 2020? Maybe 2020. Me and Thomas had gone to Nessa and Jason’s and it snowed so much. I loved that. We played cards and had such a great time. The snow was so deep going home that night. Love snow apocalypse. ❄️

Took the dog out for a run as well as having Ella with me. We ran to moms and back. Had a nice little visit and got to see deer 🦌 at her house. So cool. Got home and breakfast was just about done. That was so good.

Not sure if you can see, but there is a deer

As of yesterday, I started to keep a good log and I have to say that just writing it down makes me not want to eat bad stuff. Can’t say what tomorrow will bring but at least I’m working on doing it in real time.

Tried on dresses for next weekend. I’m so not looking forward to this. I’m already falling apart and the service is still a week away. The dresses I had thought to wear last year for Uncle Tim’s service didn’t fit at that time. Since dropping 20lbs, they fit so much nicer now so I don’t have to worry about buying a new one. But that didn’t stop me from going to Goodwill and buying clothes. That was fun. New clothes for work, for running, for the fun of it. Ella and Silas got a new little guy thing. Lights up and has so many cool little things. I looked for shoes but nothing stands out. I did find my Hawaiian shirt for the service. Thomas found a Smoky the Bear shirt. Seems fitting. I couldn’t find a Batman shirt. Dammit!

I have been running daily. The dog is happy about that. She will have to wear her jacket tomorrow again. Makes me very unhappy but it’s cleaner that way. She’s so funny. I love that girl so much!

Time to do my language lesson. Maybe I’ll be motivated to sit and work on it tomorrow and make some progress. Maybe I’ll sleep. Fingers crossed. 😘😘❤️

Still Trying to Keep Going

Weird that it took Kelly dying for me to really start writing again. Not that I didn’t write before but certainly not this much in a months time. I started to think about what I wanted to do to honor him. Running the 6.9 km daily. I will be lucky to get out and get one mile daily.

My dog hates me because she wants to go out and I’ve been a couch potato for like three years. Ugh! So I’m a little hesitant to make any commitments. However, since it’s to honor my father, the man who stuck with it to the end, would want me to be wishy washy about what I am committed to doing.

When I started running more than a decade ago (that sounds so weird, running consistently for more than ten years), I had no idea that I would go from being pretty meh about it to becoming a serious runner. And from there I have only gone back down hill. I’ve checked my miles over the years. Nearly 7,000 miles since I took it up ten years ago. Almost eleven years to be more precise. Hard to believe it’s been that long or that I’ve logged that many miles. And what’s crazy is I still love doing it.

I do love it. And I find myself wanting to do it more and more these days. Could be because I know it’s what makes me happy or it could be because my parents have been huge supporters of my running and I want to honor my father or it could be just because I love the feeling of it.

When I thought of doing something to honor my dad, I thought I would run 6.9 km daily. One kilometer for every year of his life. But I want to be realistic about things. I haven’t been running that much and hitting that route daily for 70 days would be enough to give me shin splints. So I will get up to that. However, I will make the commitment to get up and go run daily. But more than that. I will make the same commitment to my health that he did before he passed. He did so good on his meals once he was given the diabetic diagnosis. He cut out carbs and had lost more than 20lbs in the time he was doing this. His shirts fit looser than they used to. So that’s what I’ll do.

I will make a commitment to do what he did with his eating, cutting out the bad and eating the good and sticking with it. He was committed to it I can do that too. I can do this thing. 70 days. So that would be March 1. So far I made it through one day. We shall see how it rolls. Seems I’ve been sleeping all the time now when I can. Went to sleep at 7.30 last night. Like completely out before 7.30. Slept until sometime after 3 and then it didn’t feel like I really slept much after that. But we did go run today. And yesterday.

Guess it will have to happen in the morning. The run I mean. Here we go dear reader. Maybe I will have more stories for you. I also thought about telling one story about him every day too. I so t know about that. It’s hard enough to get me to commit to running daily. But maybe with this I can commit to finishing the yearly you vs the year challenge. Would be nice to finish it. Injury has taken me down for a few years now. But I think it’s time. Time to move my butt and get going again.

So here we go again. On my own. Well. With the dog but you get the idea. And now it’s time for me to get going to bed. I admit I’m tired. Ready to call it a night so I will say good night friend. Sleep well.

Three Weeks Post Death

It’s inevitable. We all die. No one gets out of this life alive. My dad used to make jokes about it like, when I die I want to go like my grandfather; peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car. Or another thing he used to say was everyone is dying to get to the cemetery. Stupid jokes of course but they used to make me laugh.

There has been such an outpouring of love and support from everyone. All over the country, all over the state and even from the Pacific Ocean… that would be my little sister who was on deployment. He work led as a fire fighter for more than 20 years. All of them from the time I was in high school on. In fact he didn’t go full time at the department until it became a full time opportunity. Before that, they had a day crew and then volunteers for nights and weekends. I used to go to the station and watch Bevis and Butthead with him because we don’t have MTV at home. And I was told no I couldn’t watch it at home.

I try to see that death isn’t the end of life, it’s just another stage of it. I’m not worried about his soul, I’ll leave that to others, I just know that he’s ok. He’s safe and now he gets to be part of my life only in my memories. I’ve listened to his voicemail a few times and watched old videos of him and the kids just to hear his voice. To hear him laugh again. He always had a smile on his face and when he walked into a room he lit it up with his endless energy.

Of course as his child I knew him differently than coworkers. Growing up he was out of town a lot working. That started about the time I turned 7 or so and lasted until the year or two following my high school graduation. Not always out of town but working for the state took him to a lot of places. He worked in Prescott while we lived in Kingman, and then once my mom’s job took us to Pinetop, it took a month or two before he could get transferred to their Show Low office. I still drive by it and think of him being there. He worked as natural resource department clearing trees and other bits of shrubbery from the shoulder of the road. It was after this particular job with the state that he got on with the fire department full time. And boy did he love that!

Personally, I’m not a blood and guts kind of kid. I don’t want to see things coming out of your body that is supposed to be safely inside the body. So I know my calling isn’t the same as his, but he had so much fun with it. Yes, there will be calls that I remember him being on and the way it took a toll on his mind and his heart. He said the first day he ever worked after getting his EMT license was a suicide that didn’t work. After many years of seeing that exact kind of call he would say they should offer a class called suicide: doing it right the first time. Yes, terrible I know but anyone who I’ve met since then who has worked as an ER person or EMT/ Paramedic, they will agree. It’s gut wrenching to see that so many try and fail and in that process alter the trajectory of their whole life. Good bad or otherwise. And just to be clear, suicide isn’t something to joke about but you have to make light of it or the job will put you in therapy for life. There were countless car collisions that he cleaned up dead bodies off the road and that would gut him completely. It takes a special kind to do this job. And I’ve only known a two that I grew up with who have taken on that job as well.

In trying to cope with it, I’ve gone back to work (as if I could just not go 😑) it’s good to have something to take my mind off of the obvious. I have a great support system who is working with me to help me with anything I need. I am grateful for my coworkers, they are pretty amazing.

Few days later…

Was driving around town doing stuff and things hanging out with the kids. There was a truck that pulls up to us, we’re driving the same speed and he pulls ahead and I look over and see the load of wood. Do you ever know when it’s the last time you do something like that with them? Like I never knew it would be the last time to hug my dad when I did. I’ll never be able to go get a cord of wood with him either. What hurts is the not knowing it was going to be the last time I got to hug him. It was the last time I got to say I love you daddy. And yes. I still called him daddy. When I wasn’t calling him Kelly. There are no more birthday party with my mom. No more Christmas seasons we take a full day to have his birthday. No more laughs. Fuck!! This fucking sucks!

I don’t know how my sisters are handling this. I know that I have to keep going and I have to keep doing my thing. Keep working. Keep living. Just keep livin. I imagine everyone who has lost their father, or people who have a close relationship with their fathers, all go through this. That feeling like your compass star has disappeared, like your lost on the ocean, dead in the water. And that ocean, well, it never stops. The waves just keep coming at you. I know eventually I will move through what I will consider the hardest part, but not now. Not today, certainly not this year. Not likely I’ll ever really get to the point when I don’t cry thinking about it. Maybe one day I’ll stop seeing him in his chair dead. Maybe one day that day will stop playing in my head over and over again. But not today.

Today, or tonight rather, I shall put on my favorite Christmas movie and watch George C. Scott portray Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge, and be sad. Sad that I don’t get to hear my dad laugh again. Sad that I can’t hear him telling his grandkids to put stuff away or to come play. He’s not going to show me whatever cool thing he’s got going on in the barn. And I’m never going to be the same person I was when I was with him. Because only he could bring that out on me.

I used to cut his mustache. We would go outside on the back deck, weather permitting of course. It would take me nearly an hour to do his face, get the old man hairs out from his ears and his eyebrows and do some basic trimming on his hair. I would take a gummy before hand and we would listen to classic rock and laugh together. I will miss that.

And with life throwing more curve balls than I can hit I’m starting to unravel it feels like. I know Piper is worried about me but I wish she wouldn’t. I know life will go on and things will change, it’s inevitable. Life is change. But for now, I will do my best to just keep livin. It’s not like I can take days and be knocked out for many at a time. That’s not reality. Reality is going to sleep and not knowing if I will wake up at 2 or 3 and not be able to go back to sleep. Reality is getting up with heavy feet and go running. I’m still debating my running to honor him. I want to set up a certain distance, 6.9 km. Equals about the distance of running around the lake daily. I think I may do it. Or at least make the commitment to do it. But right now I’m still not able to commit to much of anything.

If you have read this far, dear reader, I do appreciate it. I’m not doing well right now but life changes frequently and so I know this is but a fragment of time in my life that I will be feeling like this. I know that his memory will be honored and that he won’t be easily forgotten by me, my sisters or my mom, or my community. He was kind of a big deal in the community. He was my hero. I think Kelsie said it best. He had a way of making you feel like you could do anything. Which is why my girls will be heading to school soon to train to become fire fighters and EMT’s. He would have been so damn proud. 🥲

And now I shall rest some. It’s been a long day that has been very loud. I’m going to braid my hair and head to bed. Good night~

I’ve Been Meaning to Stop By: 3rd Edition

The last 10 days have been very blurry for me. Monday of last week, my father passed away. Peacefully, in his sleep in his chair in the front room at his home. I saw him just the week before. I had asked him if he could watch Silas for the afternoon. I gave him a big hug and said I love you before I left. And that was the last time I talked to him.

I live close to my parents. 1.2 miles.. I know, I’ve tracked it. I’ve run to their house on a number of occasions, I’ve run home from their house the long way at night many times. I haven’t been great about talking to them all the time. My little sister on the other hand, talks with them, or talked with them, daily. Of course she does. She’s on deployment. I completely understand that. I did the same, as much as I could. Though the last two of mine I was married and called him more than my parents. I had them on my Garmin Connect so they would see me running or if something happened, they could track me. There were many days I would get a text message from him while I was running telling me great job. He was so supportive of me running. We even did a few local races together.

My parents were married for more than 47 years. I only remember because I was born about 18 months after they were married. When my mom called and said I need you to come home, I knew it. In my heart of hearts, I knew this was what it was. When I got there, I had to park at the neighbors house because damn near the entire fire department was in the road at their house. I ran in, threw my keys on the bench and said, “What the fuck happened?!” Much to my surprise, everyone turns to look at me and Greg, one of the firemen he , my dad, worked with for years, walked up to me to tell me, He didn’t make it.

I can honestly say that nothing has ever prepared me for those words. I have thought about death a lot and mentally, I have never gone there with my parents. I love my mom and dad. My dad was my hero. In my mind, he ranks up there with the other heroes of my childhood; Indiana Jones and Joe Montana. He was such a San Francisco fan, for both football and baseball. I was told that the hardest part is saying goodbye while they are lying in the mortuary, but truth be told, it wasn’t that way for me. The worst part was watching my mom cut a lock of his hair, take his ring off, and say goodbye. I can still see that part so clearly in my head. It’s such a gut punch that it still takes my breath away thinking about it. I hope one day that will subside.

The rest of the day was pretty blurry. My mom and I were put into a fire truck and the entire Pinetop Fire Department, half of the police department, and a few others who were with us did a funeral procession to the mortuary. I was told it was something to see, my dad was such a big part of the community. He was the Fire Marshall; Fire Investigator for the last years that he worked with the station. So many people knew him. Thomas got to the house around 11 that morning, and he was with me while we got to say goodbye. It was the most surreal feeling. I know he’s gone, but I didn’t want to believe it. I still don’t. I just want him to come home.

Morning run he was tracking me on, passed by his house for a photo and hug

This is going to be the first Thanksgiving without him. The first of a lot of things in my life without him I guess. My little sister and her family are here still and having Thanksgiving with my mom. My mom asked me if I would ask Piper to please come live with her for a while, so Piper flew in on Friday and came up with my uncle. She will move in over the weekend. I’m so glad she’s home. I have missed her terribly. I wish she didn’t come home due to this. But she’s here now and that makes my heart happy. I know my parents house has been a revolving door for so many people coming in and out, wanting to help in any way. I’m glad there is a lot of support from so many right now.

My heart hurts most for my mom. She is the one who just lost her partner, her best friend, her companion, her love. They started dating 55 years ago, when they were 14. She says that they met in church and stated dating at that age. The story that I know goes something like he dumped her after a month for ‘big nose Becky’. They graduated the same year and went their own ways. They both had a daughter and had gotten married. It didn’t work for either of those marriages, practice marriages, and eventually they found their ways back to church in Tempe, where they first met. He asked her if she would babysit so he could go out, since she had a daughter the same age as his daughter. Life progressed, they got married, they had me and Alexia. I grew up seeing my dad as a hero who could do no wrong, and it seems that’s the general consensus of my sisters as well, and now, how am I supposed to go on in a world without him? How is she supposed to go on without him?

Obviously, life will go on. Divorce has shown all of us that even after the worst things happen, life continues. Reba’s “For My Broken Heart” really hits. The world isn’t going to stop turning for my broken heart. It’s a hard reality that I have to face, and one that my sisters and mom have to face as well.

He was a really cool dude. I used to describe him to people as this cute little blonde dude running around. His pants always looked way too big for him, but he had a great smile. And he always had a smile on his face and he could tell the best blonde jokes. Alexia looks a lot like him, whereas I look more like my mom. She got the same color hair as him as well. Anytime I ever needed him in my life, he’s always been there for me. Whether it’s when I asked him to come to Louisiana and pick me up and take me and Piper home, or can you watch Silas, or Piper when she was little? What is the square footage of an acre? And I can’t talk to him anymore. I don’t like being in this club.

My face has been salt crusted for a while now. I took my contacts out that day and knew I wasn’t going to wear them for a while. I can’t when I’ve been crying, and thus far, I’ve cried daily. I don’t know when I will stop crying every day, but, until those days come, I have to wear my glasses. Only time I will wear them is to run. I can handle it for that hour and some change. But only just. The first day back to work I felt like my head was spinning all day. The following day wasn’t much better, but, I didn’t cry at my desk. The third day I kind of zoned out. I have the next three days following Thanksgiving off, so I am hoping that come December, I can focus a little more. I’m not going to hold my breath though. Crystal came up on Monday evening, Brandy was there Wednesday, Alexia on Thursday, and Piper home on Friday. Brandy has gone home, Crystal has gone home for a while, but will be coming back up next week sometime. Alexia will be leaving sometime next week as well, but, I don’t know.

The first night, I slept in my room at my parents house. Second night as well. I couldn’t sleep. I’m still not sleeping well, but it was strange to wake up in my room. It still has the same colors on the walls, but, I was sleeping at an angle I had never slept before, so I had a very different perspective that morning. Everything felt so surreal, like a dream. I took the van on Wednesday with mom and Brandy and Crystal and as I was driving, I was thinking, I never got to do this with him. I never got to take him on a ride in the van. UGH! I feel so much guilt for not doing more with him, or being over there more often than what I was. I have been over there daily since then save one?? Two? I feel like my world has been crushed. I walk around in a half daze going through life.

Few days later ~

I’m still going over this all in my head and I can’t get it out of head. We have shared many photos from days gone by, I would like to state that I wasn’t always this cool, clearly, as evidence would suggest. I have pulled my box of photos out from under the bed a few times now, and I haven’t been able to open it yet. I want to. I have spent far too much time in the daytime looking at the photos I have on my phone. I will eventually, but I don’t know when I will.

I slept for the first time in two weeks last night. So much so that I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning. It was strange to feel like that. I know that I haven’t slept. I was reading something today that suggested I need to loosen up. Not in like a I’m bunged up kind of way, but more like I have been clenching my jaws so hard that I can feel the skin on my head tightening. I have been wearing my shoulders like earrings, and to be honest, I hadn’t noticed. I can feel all of the muscles in my body so very tense, and I don’t know about them being able to relax for a while. I have asked for a foot rub and that has yet I have been not able to really allow anyone to touch me right now. There have been many hugs with many people and those are amazing, but, I’m not a person who likes someone up in my bubble.

I want to run. Everything in me wants to run for miles and miles. Do miles to honor my dad, and yet, I feel stuck right now. Piper said I am depressed and I said, well, yeah, I’m pretty sad right now. I lost my hero in my life and I don’t want to have to deal with living in a world where he is no longer in. I just never thought he would die. Honestly. Somehow I thought my parents were going to live forever. And I know that we all die, it’s not that, it’s that I’m sad that I can’t talk to him right now. I can’t just pop over to their house and see how he’s doing. Or see what cool project he’s working on in his shop. I can’t go over and cut his mustache for him. And right now, he’s no longer in a solid form, he’s ashes in a box. Fuck, I hate this so fucking much!!

My husband asked if I was mad. I’m not mad. I don’t see a point in being mad at someone who is dead. Like what good does that do. I’m very sad about it. I’m so torn up that driving home from work all I can think about is him. I know that I’ll see him in my dreams sometime, but I haven’t yet. I know that he’s ok, and that he’s watching over us now… I wonder if the soul can be in many places at once… Kind of like astral projection, can I be here with them, and yet with the rest of the group as well? I don’t know, guess I will have to wait and find out. 🧐🧐

If you have stayed with me this long, dear reader, I do appreciate it. This the first person this close to me that I have lost so I am sure that I will have lots of thoughts on it, and will run and write about it. I will have to think of something that would honor him. Maybe run 69 days in a row beginning on his birthday, December 21st. He would have been 70. So young too… I never wanted to be part of the this cousins club, as my sister puts it. I just thought I would have more time. And I had a lot of time with him. I’m lucky that I am 46 before my dad passed. I got to have 16,841 days with my dad. More than so many folks on the planet. I’m a lucky kid too, he was something amazing for sure. He would bring me a glass of water when I was sick and throwing up and then hand me my toothbrush afterwards. He gave me my own birthday cards from him that had the Peanuts comic strip characters in it, since I used to read his old books from them. He would run with me. So yes, running will be my way to honor him somehow. Maybe the days consecutively will be something to shoot for.

It’s time to get moving now, time for sleep, who knows if it will come tonight, but the dog is looking at me waiting for me to finish so she can move to my side of the bed. Thomas is sleeping next to me, and Ella is sound asleep in the bed in the next room. I think I will run in the morning. Good night friends ~ ❤️

Our last family photo.. yes it’s a funeral

Memory Lane: The Dodgy End

It’s been a long time since I have thought about certain aspects of my life. I think after this evenings triggering, many miles are needed on figuring out how to work with/through it.

Bear with me, dear reader, I’m a bit shaky right now and will have to re-read this in hopes that it’s not too crazy. But not like the, oh that’s a wild fun story crazy, the kind that make your heart beat hard and you can’t breathe and you have to pace for a while…

Anyhow, let me explain. This past two weeks have been, well, three weeks now, have been challenging to say the least. With so much going on, I have tried to relieve stress and have not had a lot of good luck with that. I am grateful that I have not eaten my body weight in Ben and Jerry’s dairy free ice cream. I took a break and was sitting on the back deck just sitting in my swinging chair. I went in to the house and Tom is watching a movie, GreyHound??, with Tom Hanks and I watched with him for a few moments. There was a part where his character sounds general quarters. Now for those not familiar with this, it’s when a ship goes on high alert for enemy engagement. Everyone runs to their assigned spots and does what is needed while making sure to have what’s called Flashgear on. It’s super sexy, let me tell you. 😑.

For whatever reason, this set me off. I had to come upstairs and I was shaking my head and memories came flooding back. Many of all kinds and this then threw me into a panic attack. Yay panic attack. Knowing that it will pass, I did exactly what I’ve watched my husband do for three weeks, pace the floor in our bedroom while talking to myself. Dammit! It’s been years since this has happened.

I tried to put music on, but it’s not helping as much as I wanted it to.

Two days later…

The following day I woke up still out of sorts. I took my computer and worked out of the office for half the day. It wasn’t too bad of a day. I’m glad to go back tomorrow. I slept pretty good and today I didn’t go in. Had other things to do. I am hoping for good thing from that so fingers crossed but I will have to see how things play out for it.

Today was better. Took the dog for a walk this morning. Would like to again tomorrow. Not sure how cold it will be but I’m always prepared. Or almost always prepared. Even have a new dog coat so she can run in the rain and snow and not get soaking wet. I’m stoked about it.

Will have to go now. I’m getting tired and it’s time to put the phone down and go to bed. Good night for now…

A Running Hiatus: Podcast Edition

So it’s seems with so much in my country going on, I thought it was time to join the 21st century and start my own podcast.

What? Why? Well to answer the what, yes. I think it’s time I try my hand at doing my own podcast. I have got the equipment now and I have the computer capability to do so. The why though. Well it’s a bit complicated but not really.

I write. I write about running and related things. Trail runs being my favorite. Then when I was hurt I decided to do writing prompts to help the quality of my writing. I have been slacking a lot on it. But that’s what I was thinking of doing it on. I have all these ideas for writing but I want to be able to get more in-depth with it. Have a conversation about it. And for the first time in my life the idea of having my voice silenced because of what I’m saying, meaning it could be offensive to the federal government, is so very wrong!

We have built our country foundation that it’s ok to speak your mind whether others agree or not. That the press have a right to print what they find and now it’s searching for truth. If you want to truth, follow the money trail. That’s who runs the country, the ones who buy everyone else’s loyalty. The NRA is a prime example. People would rather be ok with letting kids die than enforce the already existing laws because how dare someone want to take away their guns. No one is coming for your weapons. We just think you should have a background check for it. Wait three days. The whole shebang. And quite frankly if there is a weapon that the military uses, I don’t think it should be available for purchase by the general population. It’s designed for war and combat. Killing people. But that’s my thought on it.

The real thing is I am not going to be silenced. I was thinking of getting a few episodes done before I start uploading it. Not sure if the name but for now, a running hiatus is what I’ve come up with. I’m going to do a live recording that goes with it, but I’m not sure where to go from there. More learning is needed. Maybe a YouTube channel might be the way to go. We shall see.

That is all for now. What do you think, dear reader? Anyone interested in it? Even if not, I figure I can send it to my daughter who moved across the country so she can see me and talk to me that way. Who knows, there could be guests and such but that’s where I’m at with it. Thanks friends for your support. It’s appreciated.

Upping Reps and Weights

My biggest issue lately has been getting out of bed. I have been exhausted so much that I don’t know if I’m coming or going. So much in life is going on.

However, my resolve to continue to use weights and run and do my leg exercises has not waned. Last week was killer. For no reason other than my heart is sad with missing my little one. She has moved to the other side of the country to try living with her dad for a spell. She’s not having the best time. And me, knowing that I can’t just run right out and grab her is sad because I know she’s sad. And homesick. And asked me why I let her do it. 😑🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

So I slept a lot more than usual last week. This week, I have changed my attitude a bit and managed to get up and go out three of the four days so not great but not terrible. We did get a lot of pretty photos.

I upped the weights last week. And I upped how many reps I’m doing. I looked at my week off as a kind of reset for me. This week we were back at it. 10 pounds and 15 reps. Two sets was all that I do, but I feel like for now, I’m doing good. Focused on things that matter. Keeping my knee limber, taking the dog out daily for her walk/run, and doing my daily journaling. It’s a great way to start the day. At least when I get out of the shower, I feel amazing. Then the morning comes. And it’s a crap shoot for work but it’s life. Daily. For now.

There is much in the works for life right now. I am loving my journal time in the morning. Gets me thinking and starting the day with a smile is nice too. It beats the alternative of getting up and reading the news. That’s enough to make anyone sad and cry and angry and raging… I digress. Besides it’s quiet and there is no one else around and coffee is fresh. And I do love fresh coffee. Mmmmmm… After thinking in the morning, then I get to do my exercises and my leg exercises and I’m loving doing that. I start sweating pretty quickly. And then I get to go run. I like to go out just before sunrise and see all the animals. Today I saw three deer 🦌 and some cats 🐈‍⬛ and birds. Of course the dog and sometimes we see other animals. One week I saw a family of raccoons 🦝 and then two days later, I saw three more raccoons 🦝 at the neighbors house eating the cat food. They were so cute!

Anyhow, more coming in the works these days. With the right to speak your mind being taken I have decided to start a podcast. I’m not going to be silenced. Not sure what I will do it on, but I have some ideas. Most a running hiatus kind of thing but it could go further than that. Equipment should be here soon so there’s that. I’m thinking I’ll do four episodes before I start posting them. Give myself some time and see how it’s received with an audience. We shall see. Have a great day friends. It’s autumn 🍂

Adding Weights

I was thinking about my running lately and the lack thereof. Also of my writing and the lack thereof as well. I have noticed that my leg is starting to not feel great and was sore a lot more than it had been. So I thought about it, and after watching a video on social media, where I don’t know, that had someone talking about not feeling like doing something like a run, it cut to a video of David Goggins saying “Fuck your feelings!!”. That gave me pause.

Big springs. The beaver was out checking his house

I have been saying that I wasn’t feeling it for a long time now, and seeing that made me realize that yeah, fuck my feelings. I needed that wake up call. I can’t say that since that time, all of a week, I have changed my life and mended my ways and now I am just killing it. Not quite.

I have saved tons of videos of abs moves I can do to help with the midsection as well as my back. I thought, I can add a few of those to my leg exercises. So I have. I thought I would start slow, so I’m only up to two sets of ten for each exercise, and I’m still pretty sore from the ab work, but, I put on pants today that were a little too tight two weeks ago. I can’t say that I’m seeing results already, but that would be nice. I did not however, go out for a run this morning with the dog. I got up later than I had planned. Which isn’t a big deal, it’s what it is.

Working on my abs is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I thought for sure they wouldn’t hurt this bad for so long, and I keep forgetting that when you stop doing things, when you start them again, things are sore and hurt for a while. I tried to run on the treadmill this weekend for my run on Sunday, and that gave me shin splints. So, I decided to go to the pool and do laps instead, and that was lovely. The water was cool, but not cold and then I sat in the hot tub with a very nice couple from New Jersey. It was a very good morning for me.

I am less than a week from starting but I am loving how my body is responding to it. Now the hard part is not eating a ton of cookies before bed time. I will go with my golden milk instead, which is far more filling and a shit load better for me. Tumiric is an anti-inflammatory that is activated with black pepper, so those are in it, as well as ginger, cinnamon and cardamon. I love Cardamon. I use that in my coffee daily, take the bitterness out of it. Thomas taught me that 🥰

I can say that I have taken some beautiful shots of the sunrise the last week.. Week, I say week, it’s been like 6 days. I’m a huge fan of the sunrise. I suppose it’s because I have been getting up early since forever and so I naturally just get up early. I would love to be retired and just sleep until the dog jumps on me to get up.. Which is around 6, but that’s sleeping in for sure. Of course, I am exhausted by the time 8 pm rolls around and want nothing more than to fall asleep, but that’s not the point. Might as well make the most of the time that I have when I am awake. I feel like I should get up when the alarm goes off.. at 4.30, but I tend to hit stop and then the alarm goes off at 4.42 and then I get up.. I need to be up earlier to ensure I get the run in. That’s the favorite part of the day. It’s still summer out so doing an evening run with the dog isn’t going to be a thing for a few months.

Being retired. I want to be retired. I want to sleep in, and drink coffee slowly while sitting on the porch swinging and watching the birds come and go, watching the squirrels come and go. Watch the sun come up and feel the warmth of the rays as they wash over me. Take a deep breath, and close my eyes and just relax. It’s all good. Moving slow and stretching and then running. How far depends on what day it is, or if I’m training for a race (which would indicated how far on what days, so that’s a redundant statement, but I’m going to leave it in, for the fun of it). Finishing the run and then stretching again, maybe spoiling myself with an ice cold hard cider afterwards. It’s apple juice, right? Sure helps with the poo. Can’t be that bad then 😉😁

I haven’t made any goals since deciding to do this again. I mean I want to lose weight but I feel like that goes without saying. I have simply looked at the things I am doing and trying to do better. Be determined to finish something. Like making curtains for the van.. Or finishing Kelsie’s skirt. Or anything else that I have started and never finished. I saw a documentary yesterday called The Shoemakers Dreams.. Loved that!! Any movie about shoes is all for me. I love shoes, wish they were more comfortable to wear though. This man, the one the show was about, invented the wedge heel. Genius if you ask me!! In it, he said, stay determined, no matter how much you want to quit. That kind of struck me as well… So fuck my feelings and stay determined. Guess that is how I will accomplish my desire, don’t stop until I’m done. I want to get to a comfortable size 8 in pants.. Not sure what the circumference of those would be, but, that’s where I would like to be. I want to have a fit looking body, but not just fit looking, actually fit. I added weights to my routine to help with this.

Nothing fancy, I’m using a 5 pound weight and doing simple moves with them, but, they are effective. They will go up in size as the time goes by, but, for now, it’s where I am.

I’m sure there are deer in there… somewhere

A week later:

I have still been doing my stuff. I’m actually kind of excited about it. I want to move up to 8 pound weights. I only have 10. Looks like tomorrow we will be doing 10 pounds for the weights.

I have twice felt like eating red vines for a snack and went for grapes instead. Eating salsa like it going out of style. I can’t help it. It’s fresh weekly at my house. Plus it keeps me pooping regular. 😁💩

I was bad and had drinks this weekend. Last night beer. A Kilt Lifter. The night before rum. Why? Well. Yesterday Little Gotro was driving so I had a beer. I don’t usually do those ones either, I like my hard ciders. But I wanted something on tap. The night before I had a rough day. I knew something small was going to set me off and then something did. And I knew I would milk it and let it piss me off and I did. So I had some rum and pineapple soaked in coconut water. So damn good. Then some rum and strawberries. Again. So good!! Am I angry with myself for not having a good food day? No. It’s not the end of the world. I might drink this coming weekend too but that because my little goose is leaving again. Let’s not talk about that one.

High Mountain Half race.. yesterday morning

How is the weights doing for me so far? Well, dear reader I am pleased to say that my pants are fitting better. In fact, I’ve been able to wear a size ten pants twice this week and not feeling like they are too tight. Work in progress is the best I got for you.

Will keep you posted on the weights thing. I think I could be onto something. Fuck my feeling indeed. Just do it.

Happy week friends.

Wednesday Appointment: Update

Unfortunately it’s taken me a while to get back to do an update. Turns out I’m fine. I have asthma but then I already knew that. And I have allergies. Again, something I’m well aware of. I’ll start a daily treatment once the meds get here. I guess that’s the only complaint I have about the VA at this point. It’ll take about 10 days before my new meds get here.

Other than that, the trip was nice. Went to Savers (a thrift store in Flagstaff) and got a new blanket for the bed. Oh wow is that thing soft. And a new overnight bag. I’m super stoked about that. It has a compartment separate from the clothes so my running shoes and Vans and Berks have a place to stay and not be with the clothes! That’s exciting! Thomas got some jackstands. It was rainy and beautiful and I remarked as we went through Holbrook, it’s such a lovely day. All dark and dreary and gray. Oh. I’m loved it!

I did find out that finding a coin appraiser is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. First they would tell me the value of the coins. Then they said they would buy them but for a fraction of their actual worth. And then they wouldn’t tell me what they would sell them for. Maybe over the summer sometime we will have to take a trip to Albuquerque to see if we can find something there. The place I found in the valley said they don’t deal in modern coins. Well shit, I don’t have any Roman coins. Bummer.

I did get my new lipstick that day. That was awesome!! It’s called Victory Red and it stays on my lips. It’s my form of protest of the current administration. From what I could gather about it, in the 40’s it was a form of sticking it to the man. In that case the man was Hitler. He didn’t like red lipstick. He thought it was trashy or not cool or not wholesome. So women would wear it. Weird fact, Eva Braun was found to have a collection of red lipstick so maybe it wasn’t that he disliked it, maybe he just wanted only his girl to wear it. I’ve been loving wearing it since then. Daily.

Family photo, but the lips are the Victory Res

We worked on Kelsie’s truck. Been working on that for many months now. Don’t do work on a vehicle if you don’t know how or aren’t willing to learn before hand. It’s been quite a fun time dismantling my daughters Tahoe, but, it something that should have taken an hour to two. Now, instead of costing $50 for it, we are at almost $500 later. New intake manifold, new distributor, new thermostat neck,… and the time it’s taken and the pain it’s inflicted is far more than we anticipated. Finished her truck. That was awesome to say we were able to do. I’m grateful for my husband and his ability to learn and willingness to take a project over when needed. We moved to getting the van worked on and we need a new expansion tank. Won’t be here until the end of the week. Until then we have my car and Kelsie’s truck. So at least we are back to two vehicles. Hooray!! -UPDATE- we finished the van repairs and are able to drive it. And now we are back to having to replace seals on it again. Dammit!! But we are up to three working vehicles again and I’m so happy about that! I

On our way for a picnic dinner and sunset

It’s summertime now. I was wondering to myself why is the sun up so early and then I realized it’s July already that’s why.

That’s all for now. Until next time, dear reader, hope you have a great day. Or night. Whichever. ❤️

The girls on Kelsie’s truck Sunday night

Wednesday Appointment: Pulmunologist

Today I get to go take a little trip to Flagstaff to go see a doctor. Let’s rewind a bit so you can see how I got to this point.

On Christmas Eve last year, I started to get sick. The next evening I was dying. I had a hard time focusing enough to get through dinner and my biggest worry was I hope I don’t get everyone else sick too. It got bad enough that after two weeks of feeling super shitty, I went to urgent care. Two ear infections and bronchitis. She said if the wheezing didn’t stop to come back and see her. I didn’t. Instead I waited four months to go see my PCP.

Now my PCP is currently on deployment in a place near the equator. I can’t spell it. I write to him once a month because he’s also a friend that I work with and deployment is long and tiring… I need to reply to his email… anyhow I’m seeing the clinic CMO or Chief Medical Officer. He calls me about a week or so before my appointment and wants me to do a chest CT and a pulmonary function test (PFT). I was able to get to chest CT done before my appointment. And labs done but that’s nothing exciting to hear about, because my labs say I’m super healthy. Yay. Took another week before I could get my PFT done. Once he got that information I got called back to his office to have him talk about the results. And the results say I have asthma and shitty lungs. He sending me to a specialist, a pulmonologist.

I don’t claim to know much of what I hear when talking to the RNs and our NP about medical conditions and things of that nature. I didn’t go into medicine, I went into massage. We didn’t go over didn’t diseases and things to help them. All I could get from them is I should be on some kind of daily treatment plan to help mitigate my problems. So far I’ve been using a thing with my inhaler before I go run. Seems to help a great deal. The appointment today is supposed to help clear up some confusion. My confusion. Like are the results of these tests so bad I need to see a specialist? Dear me.

I have zero idea what to expect but I suspect it’ll be far less invasive than going to the OB/gyn. Hooray for small miracles. I do know that my appointment will take at least an hour. I don’t know what they will do or things they will want to know about. Likely they will want to know that I use medical marijuana and have for I don’t know, the last 20 years. I’ve had an Rx for it to be clear. Yes. The whole time. Except when I lived in Louisiana and before it became legal in Arizona. Might be a good time to stop smoking but it’s the fastest relief to much of my anxiety and I don’t like having to wait for medication to kick in. We shall see. She will likely also want to know that I sit on the back smoke deck while everyone else smokes cigarettes. Ewww. I’m good without those. But I admit I do take a drag every so often. Super stress calls for it from time to time. And years go by between.

I have asked myself if I’m nervous about seeing the doctor today. Yes is my answer. I am nervous about it. I just lost two uncles to cancer, both of them served on active duty onboard ships in the 60s. Uncle Kenny was on the Bonham Richard (CV something). Watching the LHD with the same name go up in smoke just gutted him. It’s the name you see. It gutted me and I cried when I saw that ship go up in smoke. It’s the same platform as the Boxer. The last time I did an appointment with comp & pen I discovered I have a warning label on my medical record stating that I have been highly exposed to asbestos and I’m at a much higher risk with lung issues. This is what worries me. Mesothelioma is what scares me. That and them finding out there really was something on the ship that was giving everyone in berthing serious migraines.

Without having ever been to a specialist I have no idea what finding they will have. At 45 the last thing I want to add to my problem list is COPD. As a runner the last thing I need to deal with is lungs that won’t let me run. I already have enough issues with my left leg the last three years I don’t need something else to sideline my running. 🏃🏻‍♀️

Until this afternoon, I’m at the mercy of someone else and their knowledge. But, I get to go to Flagstaff. And Savers is a having a 30% off sale starting today and they have Greek food there! Hooray!! Not sure if I can eat there but I’m hoping. And I get to spend the day with my handsome love so that’s nice too.

For now, I’ll take the dog for a little run. She and I both need it. I’ll put some salve on my knee and stretch a little and go to the lake and back. It’ll be nice. I love mornings!

Stay tuned for the next chapter in medical life…. 😉❤️

Not sure the day last week but after a walk