24March2026
I have to say that it feels so weird to think like that. Life goes on. And on and on. I still hate being in a world where my dad is not. I never fought with him, I didn’t have the shitty childhood that so many others have, I didn’t ever put thought into him or my mom dying and yet. Here we are.
Here we are. Four months have passed. Well, four months and some change. Four months one week and one day.
I was at my moms tonight and I thought I heard the way the suction on the doors breaks when the door opens and for a split second I turned to the door thinking I would see him walk through the door. He did not. It was just in my head.
I listened to my favorite radio station on Pandora. Got through it mostly ok. The Beach Boys still kind of kills me a little bit. I have a photo of him and my mom and Lexi and I over my desk but I want to change them out a little bit like photos in the frames. It’s good to redo a display and in my mind photos are a display of sorts.
30April2026
It’s hard. I see his photo around my house. I feel like I don’t do enough for my mom. I feel like I should be doing more to help. We have a few adventures planned in the upcoming weeks and I’m so very much looking forward to them. Not just the adventure but the company as well.
We begin our adventure going to the beach for some vitamin sea. 😁😎🌊 Then she doesn’t know, but we are going to the Queen Mary for the night. I’m super stoked. I’m going out to get something super cool, can’t wait! I’ll post photos for you in the coming days.
About a week and some change ago, my sister Hanna had her birthday. She said a year reset without social media is what she needs. So I’m doing it with her. Feels weird I’m definitely used to doom scrolling. But by taking the apps off my phone makes it so much easier. So in an effort to be supportive I’m trying to change what I’m doing on my phone. Not sure it will help but it is worth a try. I am enjoying not knowing what is going on in our country, since it seems to be a shit show every time you look at the news. It’s pretty sad and scary at the same time. It’s comedic gold, but still terrifying.
08MAY2026
It’s been a few, and I can say that I haven’t been on social media all that much. Like I have kept instagram off the phone. I only use Facebook as an easier way to view reels sent to me by my sisters. I did also keep Snapchat and that where I find some good funnies for my weekly collected nonsense text message to the family.
Today was my nieces college graduation in Flagstaff. I thought about my dad. He would have been so damn proud of her. She did amazing. It was long and boring but it was also a bit inspiring. Made me want to go back and finish my degree. Not just a degree but further than that. I want to get my masters and then my doctorate. In what I don’t know but I think something that will lead me to an auditing type of position. I like numbers they are pretty cool. Though, physical therapy wouldn’t be a bad idea either. Kind of keeps in line with massage. If I lived somewhere in the valley, I could do both, all of them, in massage therapy. Now that would be ideal. I loved doing massage! I miss doing massage in fact.
It’s going to be another long weekend. Last weekend, I took Friday off and flew to Burbank to pick up an old Vanagon. It’s a 1989. I love this thing! Picked that up, drove to Long Beach for a nights stay on the Queen Mary. That was super cool. Next day we took off for the beach. That was nice! Spent a couple of hours walking along the shore, picking up shells. It was glorious. Drove from there to Kingman and then Sunday we drove home (we as in my mom and I). It was a long trip and I was beat!
This weekend, we had graduation on Friday, we have a birthday party to go to on Saturday and we are staying the night in the valley following said party and then coming home on Sunday. I’m stoked about it but it makes me very tired.
I’ll have a week to recover and then the weekend after next, we (the family) are going back to California to go to the beach. I’m so excited. I even booked a hotel room on the same ship as last time. Should be a lot of fun.
Anyhow, traveling seems like such a normal thing in our life. And life just seems to keep moving on. It hasn’t stopped for my depression and it hasn’t stopped for the bad shit that happens. I miss my dad daily. I think about him daily and I hope eventually I won’t cry every day. I can’t say that’s going to be a thing. It feels like a long way off. It feels like I’m going to be feeling like this hole in my heart will never heal. I don’t expect it ever go away. Maybe just less painful. Less sharp stabbing pain. One can only hope. …. Time to sleep dear reader, it’s late here and morning comes way early.
The Morning High Runner 