Well, to start with, it’s not my actual birthday until tomorrow. Yay tomorrow!! I tend to like looking at the year to see where am I in life and how do I feel about it. This year has been much more challenging than I thought it would be. But I feel like that’s a stupid thing to say. Every year brings its new and different bullshit that we have to deal with and learn to carry on with.
I keep having a hard time with being able to stay on task for things around the house. I feel like I’m just going through motions and not really seeing things very well. I do the dishes I put the laundry away I do little things but none of it makes me want to do life like it once was. I don’t expect life to ever go back to how it felt before but, I also don’t like that life keeps going without my dad in it. There is a very big line in life of before and after.
Sunset Sunday night
Nearly 11 months now. I’m shocked how much I still cry on a regular basis. I still have a very hard time listening to my favorite radio station on Pandora. The Beach Boys just gut me every time I hear one of their songs and they are petty frequent fliers on the 60s Rock station that I love.
I feel less inclined to post my life for all to see anymore. I want to share, please dear reader, understand I want to share, but I don’t want to be on social media anymore. And I can’t do that. It’s how I stay in touch with the ones I served with. We may not speak to each other but I’m here in my little porch in the dark cheering them on as their biggest supporter they never knew they had.
Big Springs Environmental Area – the spring
20OCT2026
Welp. The birthday was a flop. It came and went and then best part was going home early and hitting both the art supply store and the book store. The run was pretty great up until we got charged by a rather large dog who came out from under the fence. And as I’m screaming “NO!”, and trying to keep that dog from getting my dog the adrenaline rush wasn’t as much fun as I wanted. We had a pretty good run overall. After that we booked it a lot faster to get home and the time frame is still at 1:07 so it’s staying steady for time and distance.
My Ragnar race is coming up now. I need to get my ass in gear and get stuff figured out. The camping part is where I’m struggling. It’s been years since I’ve slept in the dirt. I’ve got a sleeping bag and my yoga mat I can use on the ground, but it’s been a long time since I’ve had to put that much thought into something. And being the team captain, I’m just a little over my head. Like by a lot. I still have to order some fun stuff for decorations and stuff for our outfits and all of that. To be honest, I have one member of the team who is just dead ass silent when it comes to communication and I need her to understand I just need to know that you’re still going to come out for it. And we need to work out logistics for it. Like common, just answer me once in a while. I hope I don’t blow it all.
❤️❤️🏃♀️➡️❤️❤️
As far as the idea of a birthday anymore, I’m not so sure I want to celebrate them so much anymore. Birthday sex, still something I like so I’m not too old yet, but, I’m thinking I’m not going to make a huge deal of them like I have before. It’s just another day to everyone else, it’s ok to be just another day for me too. I got the same amount of cards I did last year so I know it’s not a big deal to others. Last year I was pretty devastated from the day, but this year, I’m just over the bullshit.
Do I still want someone to make a deal of it for me, of course I do! I love to be a selfish person and make it all about me, but, it’s not always about me. And I will learn to live with that now. Anyhow, time to move for the day. Yay Tuesday. I have a feeling that Tuesday is really Monday’s ugly step-sister.
Have a great day, dear reader, and if your birthday was a bust for the year, let me know. I can’t be the only one. 🤩❤️😎🏃♀️➡️🤦🏼♀️
Well, at least the upside is that no one had died. At least, none that are unexpected. I work with old people, that’s expected. Though some go more surprisingly than others. I’ve digress.
About a two months ago I decided that I wanted to run a Ragnar Trail run. I got the team going, and I was all excited and so I asked the one person who I thought would really do it with me, and who would enjoy it; my sister Crystal. I thought for sure she would love a challenge such as this, something to really push you and have fun at the same time. I gave her a few days to think about it and when I got the answer, it wasn’t something that I had expected. She told me that even though she really wanted to do it with me, she had just talked with her best friend, Colleen who has been her bestie for at least 35 years, got results from a test and she wasn’t sure she would be able to get the time back. That’s not cryptic at all. 🤔
Team shirts- will be tanks
My sister Crystal graduated in 1993, her and her best friend, Colleen. Crystal went to move to Phoenix the week she graduated. Her best friend, Colleen, stayed home. She joined a group called Up With People and went on a world tour as a singing and dancing ensemble. Crystal never came home after that. Not like she never visited, but she never moved back. Colleen got home and stayed there for a little while before she too moved to the valley of the sun. Before she did, Colleen became an amazing supportive sister to me. She was the one who taught me how to do makeup, and how to curl my hair to get it to go in certain directions. She was the one who saw how hard of a time I was having and she was the one who make sure that I was ok, that she could see I was struggling, but, she also said that she would be there for me, even if I didn’t realize that she would be.
By the time I graduated high school, Crystal and Colleen would be living together in the valley. I lived with my grandparents after high school for a time and I spent a good deal of time there. I wasn’t always nice though and I am sorry for being an asshole when I was one. She’s always been there in my life. Some time goes by and life happens and it was a while between visits with Colleen.
Last year, when Crystal got remarried, I saw Colleen for the first time in I don’t know how many years. She looked different than I remembered, but I was super excited to see her again. She had gotten sick around Veteran’s Day a few years ago, like four I think. I was able to take her seats at the Farewell Concert by Elton John. I was able to take Maggie to it as well – Piper is now going by Maggie, so I try to keep it consistent, but I slip from time to time. It was an amazing concert, so to say thank you, I wrote her a letter and sent a framed photo of Little Gotro, and the single tear running down her face from the joy of the event. We talked for a few minutes in the bathroom before the ceremony and she said that she loved the letter, and has never thrown it out, it meant the world to her. She loved the photo as well, but the letter meant the world to her.
When Dad died this last year, 8 months ago, she came up as soon as she could, I think it was only a few days later. She’s been a fantastic sister to me for so many years. Even Brandy adores her, so I know that she really is a good person, with a heart of gold. She has her vices like everyone else that I know, but, you know, who doesn’t. I know lots of people who drink and smoke. … When Crystal told me that Colleen was doing some tests because she was having a hard time swallowing, I thought, this could be something. When Crystal said she wasn’t going to do the Ragnar with me because she wasn’t sure how much time she had left with Colleen, I knew this was far more serious than, we are running some tests.
Three weeks ago, Colleen had to be admitted to The Mayo Clinic in Phoenix Arizona. It is Stage 4 esophageal cancer. This would be why she hasn’t been able to eat or drink or swallow a whole bunch. She was too malnourished to begin cancer treatments, so right now, they are working on getting her healthy enough so her body can tolerate the treatment. But there are some complications.
Love my running partner
This week, I had to come to the valley to do training with our new PSA for our program with the VA. And since I went to concert last night, I knew that I would be going to see Colleen today. I can say that I wasn’t prepared mentally for what I saw. She looked better than I thought, but, as we talked, I realized that there is a very good chance that she’s not going to make it out of this one. She’s fighting it, but, the feeling is real, and it’s scary. She told me there is 40% chance to make it 5 years. We laughed and I gave her some good information to deal with the insurance company and told her that I will come back as often as I can to see her. I have been writing letters to her weekly because I feel like that is what I love to do, write, weird right?
I wanted to cry with her while I was there, but, I didn’t. Instead, like the coward that I am, I waited until I could get into my car, and park it for a few minutes so I could cry. I cried all the way back to the hotel listening to my favorite radio station. Funny thing, while I was driving, they started playing songs from Pink Floyd’s The Wall album. When I turned 19, Colleen gave me the two disc set of Pink Floyd’s The Wall, wrapped in Starbucks napkins and duct tape. I listened to that until I lost the CD’s and then I just bought myself another copy of it. When I hear it, I think of her instantly. And of course, the song was Comfortably Numb. I have to say, the guitar solo by David Gilmore in that one song holds so much emotion for me that all I can do is crank the volume and let the guitar into my soul and feel every bit of that solo. Oddly, the only other song that gives me that kind of reaction is Yellow Ledbetter by Pearl Jam. Talk about guitar solos. Wow is all I can say about those two. And since it was my favorite radio station that I was listening to, they usually play two songs by the same artist. The next song, was Young Lust. Following that block, they began playing Guns N Roses, Welcome To The Jungle and then November Rain… Which let’s be honest, November is the month that dad died, so it seemed like a fitting song for how I was feeling right then. Comfortably Numb, followed by November Rain. Yup, I would say I was feeling a bit low.
Crystal, Lexi , Colleen
I think the hardest part for me is realizing that there is no easy answer to this. I mean yes, I am able to still go and see her and talk to her, but, I feel like I could have done better for her. I’m not sure how, but I feel like I could. So, in light of the last three installments of I’ve Been Meaning to Call, I am now using this time that I have to make sure that she knows that I love her and I wouldn’t be the person I am today without her influence on me. She is so much more than just a sister. She’s my hero. She deserves so much more than what I can give. But I intend on not allowing this time to pass me by with nothing more than I visit one time. I’m able to recognize that this is the time for those moments. I will be coming down more often to see her. And I am very much looking forward to it. Time is precious and I don’t intend on wasting this time that I have.
Am I worried about this, I would think to say yes is an understatement. Yes, I am very worried about it. I want nothing more for her to go home and snuggle with her husband and her dogs and live in peace and harmony and smile and live to be 80. I don’t know what time I have with her, I don’t know how this will turn out, but I know what I will do with the time that I have been given with her. So for now, that is all.
Goodnight, dear readers. Wishing you a good night, and a happy sweet dream. ❤️😎💔
15September2026
Yeah… so it’s been a while since I tried to write and post on this. Due to the nature of it, it’s been hard to reread for proofreading and adding photos. I added photos at one point and it just didn’t do so well.
Colleen is still going and fighting. I’ve been sending her photos of my daily runs. Though, since it’s been getting earlier and earlier every day, the sun is coming up later and later which makes sunrise photos a moot point. But I got some cool moonlight photos that I send. The point is, I keep writing letter and sending them. I keep going out with the dog and sending her daily photos. Time is so precious and I may not be able to go down to see her like I wanted to, but I’m also not not doing anything. 🧐
It’s morning time and I have to get rolling. Coffee is made, dog is going to be wanting to go out for her run and I’m nearly done pooping. Yay! 💩😁 Hope your day, dear reader is a good one. My your sunrise be met with fresh coffee (or tea if that’s your thing. I actually open a tea bag and dump it into my coffee grounds. Either chai or a toasted coconut one. 😊
For the second time in the last ten years, I have lost respect for those I work for. Let me back up for context for you.
Now, I have a strict policy to not blast my job on the internet. I just feel like once you put it out there, it’s not going to be able to be taken back. No matter how many times you find it somewhere and it has to be taken down again. I have always had that policy ever since I was a little kid, and while I have broken that policy from time to time, I don’t think I want to go into it right now here.
As much as I want to talk about it, I won’t. However, I will say that with things that happened this week, I am hoping that I will be able to run more in the near future. How, you may ask? Well, I am hoping that I might be able to change my schedule from 7-3.30 to 8- 4.30. This would allow me run in the mornings again. It’s not anywhere near what would really help me, but, as a person who uses running in the morning as a way to cope with the issues that go through my head, I think this might be something very small that will make a big impact.
I have been promised a few things at work lately and everything that I said was going to happen has not happened. All the things that I been told would change, did not in fact change. And I most certainly will not be getting more help. I’m beyond disappointed to say the least. I want to rant. I want to scream into a void and yell until I can’t talk anymore. I want to take a sledge hammer to a rage room and really take my frustration out by destroying something. I would also like to ask her why.
Ducks on a log
But the thought of running in the morning again has its merit. It’s been nearly 5 years since I really have been running in the morning. And since the name of this is the morning high runner, it makes sense that I would be running in the mornings. I have thought how I was failing my dog for years for now because I haven’t been able to take her in the morning. Or should I say, Dear Reader, is that I have been having a hard time with recovering and have used that as an excuse to not get up in the morning and go do what makes me happiest. Which is ironically enough, getting up in the morning and going for a run with the dog. I’m hoping that I will be able to get that going again. If my boss says no to the time change, then I have no choice than to find employment somewhere else in the VA. Lucky for me, I am already doing that because I really don’t like being walked all over, like I am a rug. And I have let this happen to me, I strive to be the best at whatever job it is that I do. So I have been used and I allowed it because I want to do well and I want to succeed at my job. But I let it rule me and my life. I haven’t taken a proper vacation in many years and actually disconnected from work. I have taken a Monday and Friday off from time to time, but, nothing where I have just been gone for a week plus a few days.
I ran a little bit this morning too. Took the dog for two miles and I did enjoy it. I had to get up early and take mom to the airport at 7 and then when I got back, I was going to suggest that we go target practice today, however, about 42 seconds after I thought about that, Thomas’s phone rang and it was the transport guy who was going to be able to drop off Kelsie’s car to us today. That was exciting. Got to give both the girls a lesson driving a stick shift. They are scared to death and while it makes me giggle, I am also a little worried as neither of them can drive their new cars since they are both stick shifts. Personally, I would only drive a stick if I had the choice. And lucky for me, the new beetle, Bridget Jones, is a five speed manual transmission. Yay! 🤩😎
It’s been a long day and I really want to get to sleep now, so I will wish you all a good night my dear readers.
Shoes from a while ago… still one of my favorites… couldn’t find a recent photo to sign off so this is it.
Weird that it took Kelly dying for me to really start writing again. Not that I didn’t write before but certainly not this much in a months time. I started to think about what I wanted to do to honor him. Running the 6.9 km daily. I will be lucky to get out and get one mile daily.
My dog hates me because she wants to go out and I’ve been a couch potato for like three years. Ugh! So I’m a little hesitant to make any commitments. However, since it’s to honor my father, the man who stuck with it to the end, would want me to be wishy washy about what I am committed to doing.
Friday night put my back door
When I started running more than a decade ago (that sounds so weird, running consistently for more than ten years), I had no idea that I would go from being pretty meh about it to becoming a serious runner. And from there I have only gone back down hill. I’ve checked my miles over the years. Nearly 7,000 miles since I took it up ten years ago. Almost eleven years to be more precise. Hard to believe it’s been that long or that I’ve logged that many miles. And what’s crazy is I still love doing it.
I do love it. And I find myself wanting to do it more and more these days. Could be because I know it’s what makes me happy or it could be because my parents have been huge supporters of my running and I want to honor my father or it could be just because I love the feeling of it.
When I thought of doing something to honor my dad, I thought I would run 6.9 km daily. One kilometer for every year of his life. But I want to be realistic about things. I haven’t been running that much and hitting that route daily for 70 days would be enough to give me shin splints. So I will get up to that. However, I will make the commitment to get up and go run daily. But more than that. I will make the same commitment to my health that he did before he passed. He did so good on his meals once he was given the diabetic diagnosis. He cut out carbs and had lost more than 20lbs in the time he was doing this. His shirts fit looser than they used to. So that’s what I’ll do.
Saturday morning will Ella
I will make a commitment to do what he did with his eating, cutting out the bad and eating the good and sticking with it. He was committed to it I can do that too. I can do this thing. 70 days. So that would be March 1. So far I made it through one day. We shall see how it rolls. Seems I’ve been sleeping all the time now when I can. Went to sleep at 7.30 last night. Like completely out before 7.30. Slept until sometime after 3 and then it didn’t feel like I really slept much after that. But we did go run today. And yesterday.
Guess it will have to happen in the morning. The run I mean. Here we go dear reader. Maybe I will have more stories for you. I also thought about telling one story about him every day too. I so t know about that. It’s hard enough to get me to commit to running daily. But maybe with this I can commit to finishing the yearly you vs the year challenge. Would be nice to finish it. Injury has taken me down for a few years now. But I think it’s time. Time to move my butt and get going again.
This morning
So here we go again. On my own. Well. With the dog but you get the idea. And now it’s time for me to get going to bed. I admit I’m tired. Ready to call it a night so I will say good night friend. Sleep well.
My biggest issue lately has been getting out of bed. I have been exhausted so much that I don’t know if I’m coming or going. So much in life is going on.
However, my resolve to continue to use weights and run and do my leg exercises has not waned. Last week was killer. For no reason other than my heart is sad with missing my little one. She has moved to the other side of the country to try living with her dad for a spell. She’s not having the best time. And me, knowing that I can’t just run right out and grab her is sad because I know she’s sad. And homesick. And asked me why I let her do it. 😑🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️
So I slept a lot more than usual last week. This week, I have changed my attitude a bit and managed to get up and go out three of the four days so not great but not terrible. We did get a lot of pretty photos.
This morning
I upped the weights last week. And I upped how many reps I’m doing. I looked at my week off as a kind of reset for me. This week we were back at it. 10 pounds and 15 reps. Two sets was all that I do, but I feel like for now, I’m doing good. Focused on things that matter. Keeping my knee limber, taking the dog out daily for her walk/run, and doing my daily journaling. It’s a great way to start the day. At least when I get out of the shower, I feel amazing. Then the morning comes. And it’s a crap shoot for work but it’s life. Daily. For now.
There is much in the works for life right now. I am loving my journal time in the morning. Gets me thinking and starting the day with a smile is nice too. It beats the alternative of getting up and reading the news. That’s enough to make anyone sad and cry and angry and raging… I digress. Besides it’s quiet and there is no one else around and coffee is fresh. And I do love fresh coffee. Mmmmmm… After thinking in the morning, then I get to do my exercises and my leg exercises and I’m loving doing that. I start sweating pretty quickly. And then I get to go run. I like to go out just before sunrise and see all the animals. Today I saw three deer 🦌 and some cats 🐈⬛ and birds. Of course the dog and sometimes we see other animals. One week I saw a family of raccoons 🦝 and then two days later, I saw three more raccoons 🦝 at the neighbors house eating the cat food. They were so cute!
Anyhow, more coming in the works these days. With the right to speak your mind being taken I have decided to start a podcast. I’m not going to be silenced. Not sure what I will do it on, but I have some ideas. Most a running hiatus kind of thing but it could go further than that. Equipment should be here soon so there’s that. I’m thinking I’ll do four episodes before I start posting them. Give myself some time and see how it’s received with an audience. We shall see. Have a great day friends. It’s autumn 🍂
I was thinking about my running lately and the lack thereof. Also of my writing and the lack thereof as well. I have noticed that my leg is starting to not feel great and was sore a lot more than it had been. So I thought about it, and after watching a video on social media, where I don’t know, that had someone talking about not feeling like doing something like a run, it cut to a video of David Goggins saying “Fuck your feelings!!”. That gave me pause.
Big springs. The beaver was out checking his house
I have been saying that I wasn’t feeling it for a long time now, and seeing that made me realize that yeah, fuck my feelings. I needed that wake up call. I can’t say that since that time, all of a week, I have changed my life and mended my ways and now I am just killing it. Not quite.
I have saved tons of videos of abs moves I can do to help with the midsection as well as my back. I thought, I can add a few of those to my leg exercises. So I have. I thought I would start slow, so I’m only up to two sets of ten for each exercise, and I’m still pretty sore from the ab work, but, I put on pants today that were a little too tight two weeks ago. I can’t say that I’m seeing results already, but that would be nice. I did not however, go out for a run this morning with the dog. I got up later than I had planned. Which isn’t a big deal, it’s what it is.
Spider on dill plant
Working on my abs is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I thought for sure they wouldn’t hurt this bad for so long, and I keep forgetting that when you stop doing things, when you start them again, things are sore and hurt for a while. I tried to run on the treadmill this weekend for my run on Sunday, and that gave me shin splints. So, I decided to go to the pool and do laps instead, and that was lovely. The water was cool, but not cold and then I sat in the hot tub with a very nice couple from New Jersey. It was a very good morning for me.
I am less than a week from starting but I am loving how my body is responding to it. Now the hard part is not eating a ton of cookies before bed time. I will go with my golden milk instead, which is far more filling and a shit load better for me. Tumiric is an anti-inflammatory that is activated with black pepper, so those are in it, as well as ginger, cinnamon and cardamon. I love Cardamon. I use that in my coffee daily, take the bitterness out of it. Thomas taught me that 🥰
Sunset
I can say that I have taken some beautiful shots of the sunrise the last week.. Week, I say week, it’s been like 6 days. I’m a huge fan of the sunrise. I suppose it’s because I have been getting up early since forever and so I naturally just get up early. I would love to be retired and just sleep until the dog jumps on me to get up.. Which is around 6, but that’s sleeping in for sure. Of course, I am exhausted by the time 8 pm rolls around and want nothing more than to fall asleep, but that’s not the point. Might as well make the most of the time that I have when I am awake. I feel like I should get up when the alarm goes off.. at 4.30, but I tend to hit stop and then the alarm goes off at 4.42 and then I get up.. I need to be up earlier to ensure I get the run in. That’s the favorite part of the day. It’s still summer out so doing an evening run with the dog isn’t going to be a thing for a few months.
Being retired. I want to be retired. I want to sleep in, and drink coffee slowly while sitting on the porch swinging and watching the birds come and go, watching the squirrels come and go. Watch the sun come up and feel the warmth of the rays as they wash over me. Take a deep breath, and close my eyes and just relax. It’s all good. Moving slow and stretching and then running. How far depends on what day it is, or if I’m training for a race (which would indicated how far on what days, so that’s a redundant statement, but I’m going to leave it in, for the fun of it). Finishing the run and then stretching again, maybe spoiling myself with an ice cold hard cider afterwards. It’s apple juice, right? Sure helps with the poo. Can’t be that bad then 😉😁
Crow flying
I haven’t made any goals since deciding to do this again. I mean I want to lose weight but I feel like that goes without saying. I have simply looked at the things I am doing and trying to do better. Be determined to finish something. Like making curtains for the van.. Or finishing Kelsie’s skirt. Or anything else that I have started and never finished. I saw a documentary yesterday called The Shoemakers Dreams.. Loved that!! Any movie about shoes is all for me. I love shoes, wish they were more comfortable to wear though. This man, the one the show was about, invented the wedge heel. Genius if you ask me!! In it, he said, stay determined, no matter how much you want to quit. That kind of struck me as well… So fuck my feelings and stay determined. Guess that is how I will accomplish my desire, don’t stop until I’m done. I want to get to a comfortable size 8 in pants.. Not sure what the circumference of those would be, but, that’s where I would like to be. I want to have a fit looking body, but not just fit looking, actually fit. I added weights to my routine to help with this.
Nothing fancy, I’m using a 5 pound weight and doing simple moves with them, but, they are effective. They will go up in size as the time goes by, but, for now, it’s where I am.
I’m sure there are deer in there… somewhere
A week later:
I have still been doing my stuff. I’m actually kind of excited about it. I want to move up to 8 pound weights. I only have 10. Looks like tomorrow we will be doing 10 pounds for the weights.
I have twice felt like eating red vines for a snack and went for grapes instead. Eating salsa like it going out of style. I can’t help it. It’s fresh weekly at my house. Plus it keeps me pooping regular. 😁💩
I was bad and had drinks this weekend. Last night beer. A Kilt Lifter. The night before rum. Why? Well. Yesterday Little Gotro was driving so I had a beer. I don’t usually do those ones either, I like my hard ciders. But I wanted something on tap. The night before I had a rough day. I knew something small was going to set me off and then something did. And I knew I would milk it and let it piss me off and I did. So I had some rum and pineapple soaked in coconut water. So damn good. Then some rum and strawberries. Again. So good!! Am I angry with myself for not having a good food day? No. It’s not the end of the world. I might drink this coming weekend too but that because my little goose is leaving again. Let’s not talk about that one.
High Mountain Half race.. yesterday morning
How is the weights doing for me so far? Well, dear reader I am pleased to say that my pants are fitting better. In fact, I’ve been able to wear a size ten pants twice this week and not feeling like they are too tight. Work in progress is the best I got for you.
Will keep you posted on the weights thing. I think I could be onto something. Fuck my feeling indeed. Just do it.
Today I get to go take a little trip to Flagstaff to go see a doctor. Let’s rewind a bit so you can see how I got to this point.
On Christmas Eve last year, I started to get sick. The next evening I was dying. I had a hard time focusing enough to get through dinner and my biggest worry was I hope I don’t get everyone else sick too. It got bad enough that after two weeks of feeling super shitty, I went to urgent care. Two ear infections and bronchitis. She said if the wheezing didn’t stop to come back and see her. I didn’t. Instead I waited four months to go see my PCP.
Now my PCP is currently on deployment in a place near the equator. I can’t spell it. I write to him once a month because he’s also a friend that I work with and deployment is long and tiring… I need to reply to his email… anyhow I’m seeing the clinic CMO or Chief Medical Officer. He calls me about a week or so before my appointment and wants me to do a chest CT and a pulmonary function test (PFT). I was able to get to chest CT done before my appointment. And labs done but that’s nothing exciting to hear about, because my labs say I’m super healthy. Yay. Took another week before I could get my PFT done. Once he got that information I got called back to his office to have him talk about the results. And the results say I have asthma and shitty lungs. He sending me to a specialist, a pulmonologist.
Sunrise
I don’t claim to know much of what I hear when talking to the RNs and our NP about medical conditions and things of that nature. I didn’t go into medicine, I went into massage. We didn’t go over didn’t diseases and things to help them. All I could get from them is I should be on some kind of daily treatment plan to help mitigate my problems. So far I’ve been using a thing with my inhaler before I go run. Seems to help a great deal. The appointment today is supposed to help clear up some confusion. My confusion. Like are the results of these tests so bad I need to see a specialist? Dear me.
I have zero idea what to expect but I suspect it’ll be far less invasive than going to the OB/gyn. Hooray for small miracles. I do know that my appointment will take at least an hour. I don’t know what they will do or things they will want to know about. Likely they will want to know that I use medical marijuana and have for I don’t know, the last 20 years. I’ve had an Rx for it to be clear. Yes. The whole time. Except when I lived in Louisiana and before it became legal in Arizona. Might be a good time to stop smoking but it’s the fastest relief to much of my anxiety and I don’t like having to wait for medication to kick in. We shall see. She will likely also want to know that I sit on the back smoke deck while everyone else smokes cigarettes. Ewww. I’m good without those. But I admit I do take a drag every so often. Super stress calls for it from time to time. And years go by between.
Morning yesterday
I have asked myself if I’m nervous about seeing the doctor today. Yes is my answer. I am nervous about it. I just lost two uncles to cancer, both of them served on active duty onboard ships in the 60s. Uncle Kenny was on the Bonham Richard (CV something). Watching the LHD with the same name go up in smoke just gutted him. It’s the name you see. It gutted me and I cried when I saw that ship go up in smoke. It’s the same platform as the Boxer. The last time I did an appointment with comp & pen I discovered I have a warning label on my medical record stating that I have been highly exposed to asbestos and I’m at a much higher risk with lung issues. This is what worries me. Mesothelioma is what scares me. That and them finding out there really was something on the ship that was giving everyone in berthing serious migraines.
4 deer 🦌 yesterday morning
Without having ever been to a specialist I have no idea what finding they will have. At 45 the last thing I want to add to my problem list is COPD. As a runner the last thing I need to deal with is lungs that won’t let me run. I already have enough issues with my left leg the last three years I don’t need something else to sideline my running. 🏃🏻♀️
There were danger ducks in there
Until this afternoon, I’m at the mercy of someone else and their knowledge. But, I get to go to Flagstaff. And Savers is a having a 30% off sale starting today and they have Greek food there! Hooray!! Not sure if I can eat there but I’m hoping. And I get to spend the day with my handsome love so that’s nice too.
For now, I’ll take the dog for a little run. She and I both need it. I’ll put some salve on my knee and stretch a little and go to the lake and back. It’ll be nice. I love mornings!
Stay tuned for the next chapter in medical life…. 😉❤️
Since my most recent injury, the knee, I have learned that when it comes to things, stretching may be the thing that I need. Ugh!!
Welcome Spring
As a runner, I know that stretching after a run feels amazing. A good long run, a long stretch session, hot shower and I feel like a million bucks! I know that I should stretch before running too. Therein lies the problem. I like to run in the morning. Before work which I have to be there by 7. So in order for me to get up on time and get a good run in, I have to be up and out the door before 5-515 depending on the distance. This means for me to be up and ready to get out the door I have to be up and moving by 4.30. And I can totally do that. I’m so down for that. But then, adding in the injury to the equation is where I’m having the problem. I have to now be up and stretching actively by 4.15. And for me I don’t get dressed to do my stretches in the morning so one would think that it would go faster. It doesn’t.
This morning, I had my alarm go off at 4.15. It does this daily. And then at 4.30 my phone wakes up. And then at 4.42 the alarm goes off again to get me out of bed. And then, as a last one, the alarm goes off at 5.15. If I haven’t gotten out of bed by then, it’s when I will get up. I don’t quite understand the issue I’m having these days. I want to go out and do more miles but something inside me is keeping me from it and I am not liking this. Stupid knee!
Spring has sprung – Saturday
The worst part isn’t that I don’t get up, it’s that my beautiful girl thinks I hate her and I don’t want to take her out anymore. And that couldn’t end further from the truth. But she’s not always up for going out and doing the run that I want to do. I keep thinking I’ll find a solution but I have yet to come up with one. In my mind I keep thinking I’ll get up and take the dog for a nice walk. She’s not up for a lot of running these days but we can swing two miles in the morning. And then when I get home from work, change, stretch and then do my long runs. In my mind this works perfectly. If it wasn’t for all the things that have to get done when I get home. Like putting the clothes away, doing my language lesson, writing once in a while, check spelling, make sure the kids are safe while playing and do anything that Thomas might need help with. Then dinner, dishes, and take five minutes for myself.
Sundays walk with the dog
I feel like these are all excuses but for me it’s not an excuse. I know that the time I have in the morning is likely the only time I will have for myself all day. And I know that my relationship with time needs some work (stupid ADHD), but it feels like there is t enough time to get it all done, every day. I miss so many things and I miss the sunrise. I will work on this week and check back in. Who knows, maybe something wonderful will happen and I can manage my time much better with less worry.
Buried under inches of snow the day before
Alright… time to start the day…
Sunday before the walk… looks like a spider died on my head 🕷️
That’s a good question today. I guess it would depend on what we are talking about. Do I want to take risks with my family/ job/ relationships, not really. Do I want to take risks when it comes to doing things in life, well, that’s where I would say yes, I would rather take the risk.
Let me explain. I am a creature of habit. I have a routine that I do when I get up and I love it. I love to have my coffee while no one is talking to me, at least not for the first cup of it. I love to run in the mornings, though I have been terrible about getting out again. I love to do the same kind of things that feel comfortable. However, the only way to grow in life is to take some chances and risk things. Big rewards often come with big risks. Sometimes, those risks don’t always pan out like we hope for the results are the bad part of the risk. That downfall of Rome.. We seem to be seeing that more and more these days, but I digress. I can’t say that I feel like I have taken chances, but, when I look at what I have done in life, it seems I took more chances than I thought.
My first big risk was to join the military, the US Navy. That was a really big one. I made it through four and a half years serving on active duty before I was done. I wanted to stay longer, but I couldn’t. I had taken a big risk and lost it all. Had it not worked out like that, not sure where I would be today, certainly not where I am right now. I loved being on a ship and I love being on the ocean. I miss it. I miss the feel of the ocean under me, rocking me to sleep. I miss the smell of the ocean. I was on the water for more time of my service than I was on land. It was a big risk, but an even bigger loss. And it took a long time to work through it because to be honest, I never really got over it. (Side note: I truly believe that we don’t ‘get over’ things. I believe that we work through them and the pain of whatever it is, just dulls. It doesn’t go away, and you eventually are able to talk about it without getting upset, whatever it is you’re going through, but, you don’t ‘get over it.’)
I have put money into the stock market, and my TSP account is in the stock market, but while it’s crashing right now, I am not upset about it. I see that it will go back up and I will get it all back in tenfold. Is it upsetting to see it, yes. I hate to see people lose money. Unless it’s Elon Musk, he can fuck off back to South Africa. He can lose billions and I’m ok with that. Fascist prick! Sorry, where was I, oh yes, the stock market. I have tried to buy stocks on my own and I have lost a lot of money that I thought I was going to get back. So there was a time that the risk didn’t work out.
Recently, I have been given information that one of the risks I have taken, and it’s as a whole with the company that I own, the reward will outweigh the risk. I am able to get another year to work on this and I couldn’t be more excited. What is it, you ask? I can’t talk about it right now, but I will be talking about it in a later entry.. Just not today.
I would rather take the risk than not. There are times when it’s been good outcomes and there are lots of times when it was a bad outcome. Either way, I would rather try and fail, than live knowing I could have tried to do something. You only regret the miles that you don’t run. Even on the bad runs, I would take those over not running any day. The risk does not outweigh the reward. The reward is a clear mind and a healthy body. Those are never going out of style.
So, with that in mind, I will be going back to morning runs. With the dog. Hopefully she will be ok with doing runs, I’m thinking no more than like, three miles with the dog. She’s getting bored with our usual route so maybe that will help if I change it up a bit.
The running hiatus is over but the writing part is not. I will still be doing the writing prompts because I truly enjoy the thought that goes into it, even if proofreading and grammar aren’t going to be on point with them. So so long sleeping in, it’s time to move again 😁
There are days when the sun shines brightly, the birds chirp happily, and the dew on the roses is picture perfect. These days are almost spiritual in nature and all seems to fall into place. Your heart rate, your pace, the way you breath and the muscles in your legs make you feel like a well oiled piston in moving perfection. Truth be told, most mornings aren’t like this.
There is this legend among runners of something so mysterious and legendary, some go their entire runnings lives and never have it happen to them. It’s called runner’s high. It is elusive and hard to explain to those who have never had it happen. A good way to describe it I guess would be a reference to Harry Potter. The feeling of the good luck serum. Like you are invincible and everything is burgeoning with life. I would have to say that I don’t feel this on a regular basis. It’s more like an transient few hour or so of being high on life.
For me, this isn’t something that I experience often, but, when I do, it’s glorious. It feels like knowing everything and not knowing anything at the same time. Your thoughts are scattered yet in perfect synchronicity with nature. It’s unlike most natural feelings you can understand. Again, the best way to describe such a phenomena is holy.
The sad truth is that I only get this every once in a while. It’s not an everyday thing. Not even close. Though, on a good day I feel like a million bucks just after I get out of the shower. I can feel my body lighting up and I feel as if I am in control, if even for just a moment.
10NOV2024
Wow, that’s so very poetic.. I do like how I write, so I guess going with the next one in the book of prompts is going to help me get back to those kinds of whimsical feelings of five years ago.. But let’s take a little inventory of where were we five years ago.
We were still in the days before Covid-19.. If you can remember back that far as it seems 2020 was really 10 years ago. Thomas was driving for Copperstate, my grandmother was still alive… So were a few others that are now gone. I was still talking to Hanna, who I was thinking about this morning. It’s been almost two years exactly since I last heard from her… My heart broke when she and I stopped talking. Like broke broke. Piper was in Jr. High, and Silas wasn’t even a thought yet. Close, but not quite. I was working at the bank. I miss the people I worked with, but, I don’t miss feeling like it was too much all the time. I was a Jr. Banker at the time. It’s so weird to think of how far I have come since that time. Even to think about how far we have come as a group is quite interesting.
Anyhow, I wanted to start back with going through old thoughts and just getting them out there again. This one was hard to follow. The last time I felt that runner’s high, Kelsie and I were doing a 10K, we had just hit three miles and I felt amazing! Both of it did in fact. It was just about a month before I got hurt.
Surgery was a little more than a week ago, and so far I’m able to bear a little weight on it to walk. I’m supposed to start PT this week, but I will have to get onto the website to find out when.. I hate that I deleted the emails that had the appointments for the first three visits in them. UGH!! Not to mention I can’t even find my phone right now, it’s not like I could do much even if I wanted to… hmmm… Hold Please… Never mind, I got it now… good thing I have my photos on the computer.
That’s all for now friends, have a great day, night friends 😎🤩❤️
