Yesterday, I went to the post office to mail a package to my daughter at college. I drove myself and Ella, my granddaughter. She helped to carry in the package. Getting into the car was a little rough. Getting out of the car was even harder and a lot more painful than I had expected. And then I had to do it again to get back home and I decided that I will not be driving again until I am feeling like my knee is ready for it.
The kids spent the night last night and for our movie for bedtime, Inside Out 2 was the chosen flick. I laughed at some of it and cried at a lot more of it. When I put on my eyeliner this morning, I noticed that my eyes were puffy from the tears and decided to go with black eyeliner. Seems to hide that a little bit. We watched both of them this afternoon. And again I cried. And it got me to thinking as Thomas and I sat outside about what emotions do I let drive. What emotions are being shoved down and bottled up?
I want to take an honest approach to this and just say it. I’m pretty sure that I let anxiety and sadness and fear drive most of the time. And due to certain unfair circumstances related to my knee breaking, I’m pretty sure that joy had been sent to the back of my mind for a while.
It’s strange really. I just got all my medication for all of that, and I haven’t thought it worth it enough to actually remember to take the damn things for the last week. Not only that, but I can say that since I have broken myself taking my other medication has come to crawl as well. I wonder if that has anything to do with the feelings I’m having as of late. There isn’t anything helping to regulate those emotions. Anxiety needs a special chair and some tea. Fear needs to just relax. Fuck, and I’m still just pissed off about my knee. Most of these feelings wouldn’t be going on if I could fucking run!!! I have repressed anger a lot as well. That one I think I have repressed for most of my life and it only really comes out when things don’t go my way. And If I’m being honest, most of the time they do go my way. I try to plan, and I try to take care of the little details before doing things so I’m prepared. But, I have that burning thought of I’m not good enough echoing through my head far more often than what I want to admit.
I want to write some more right now, but my eyes are starting to close and I’m getting tired, more to come later. Like tomorrow… hopefully this thought doesn’t get lost in the back of mind between now and then.. 😎
A few days later…
The last sunflower that bloomed for me
I refilled my media-sets this morning and made sure to take them today. I haven’t thought much about who was driving since Friday night. I’ll admit, it’s been a tense week for all of us, and I’m grateful for the two days of the weekend. I’ve relaxed a little bit, and now I’m ready to settle in and begin a new writing adventure.
And so we being. I have decided that for the running hiatus part of this blog, I won’t have any photos in it nor will I go back and proof read this. I do realize that I think faster than I type and there are bound to be lots of mistakes in them, but overall I believe that will help me to remember which entry is which.. But then again, so it the titling part of the whole bit.
I made sure to give anxiety a few days off this weekend. I have to say it’s nice to let every one else take a stab at driving from time to time. I am hoping that she will take a back seat for a while, but I can’t say that’s going to be the case. Tomorrow is last day of the fiscal year for me so it’s going to be a busy one I’m sure. And it’s going to be a long damn month. Hopefully, I will be able to get surgery done to get my knee fixed and then back out to being outside daily again. I feel like there are many things that are going to have to happen from now on. More on that later though.
WOW. That’s a good question for today. The second part of that was, were you scared? What was the outcome? Well, I suppose it’s time that I tell a hard truth, I am a coward. I’m the Libra who hates confrontation so much that I have allowed people to walk all over me and use me as a doormat. However, from time to time, I have stood up and said something.
There are two times that come to mind when I think of this. The first was many years ago when Thomas and I were still dating and hadn’t moved in together. Kelsie had a room that faced the parking lot at our apartments and one afternoon, we drive in and see that the blinds are all sorts of fucked up. Thomas got so pissed off at her for it. She had taken large boards and put black cloth on it and put it in her window, and it had all sorts of fun things pinned to it. It was a decoration. He went in and started yelling at her for it. She was crying, not realizing that it had done the damage and said that you told me it was ok to put those in the windows. He walked out of her room and I was standing there. Her door was closed and I looked at him and asked if he knew that was going to happen when she did that? No, he didn’t know, and I said then need to apologize to her for yelling at her. I told him if you told her it was ok, and then this happened, you can’t yell at her if you didn’t know this was going to happen and you said it was ok. Go and apologize to her.
And he did. And from that time on, when one of us is in the wrong, we do apologize for it. I’m not always right, and thankfully neither is he, though, he’s right a lot more of the time than I am. But he also says I’m sorry a lot more than I have had to. Mostly because he yells a lot and he knows that that’s not cool. We are a work in progress. And I’m totally ok with that.
The second time that this happened wasn’t so long ago. Maybe 5 years ago. Vanessa and I had finally decided to go to the Renn Faire together again. Liz, her daughter was going to met us with a friend of hers down there, and Vanessa and I and Piper and Dez, one of our friend’s daughters was going to drive down. I remember it was a Friday night and we were all so excited. Kelsie was over helping to get Piper in costume, it was going to be a great day.
And then, I got a text message about the plan. Liz was no longer going to met us down there, she and her friend were going to go down with Vanessa and I. This was a big deal because there weren’t enough seat belts to go around. We were short one. I was so upset having to tell Piper that it’s not going to happen. That Vanessa broke our plans to accommodate her daughter, which is in her right to do if she wants. I said something about it. I stewed on it for about 30 minutes, pacing back and forth and what to say and how to say it, I typed out my response to it at least twice before I sent it. I stood up for myself. By ten pm, I was so fired up mad, I decided to go for a walk. I was mad at Thomas for bringing it up and then not letting it go and that I had to say something. I looked at him and said, I’m not happy about this whole situation, so just because I’m not yelling at you, doesn’t mean that I’m not super pissed off about it. He was so happy for me standing up for myself. It was kind of cute actually.
Got home and went to bed, Thomas was already asleep, Kelsie had already taken off and Little Goose likely cried herself to sleep that night. She was so bummed. Vanessa later told me that I was right, that was shitty of her to do and she was sorry. And she was so proud of me for saying something and standing up to her and standing up for myself. I ended up taking Piper to the Renn Faire later in the season, went with Hanna and Alex. We had a great time. We didn’t dress up, but we had a fantastic time.
I still don’t like confrontation. I hate getting in the middle of things and having anyone either yell at me or get mad at me. I’m still a coward, but, I’m getting better with age. I hope… Until the next time friends, have a great day.
Well, it’s been two years now, to the day, that I hurt my leg by tearing my hamstring. Wouldn’t you know it, I’ve managed to hurt myself again. And this time, it’s likely going to require surgery and PT and many walks. Not that I’m opposed to walks, but, I had just been able to get into doing a 10k at least once a week and I was really enjoying that.
Me and the girls doing a 10k together ❤️
Where to begin… Well, dear reader, this year I decided to take some of my vacation time and go see my sister for what was supposed to be her retirement ceremony. It was changed about a week before to a promotion ceremony instead of retirement. I went out, got to see her and I was having a blast. The weather was gloomy and it was a rainy day out and I took my niece over to a trampoline place to go have some fun.
We were having a great deal of fun too. I was very much enjoying it. And then I jumped and when I landed, I was aiming for the divider, which when Amelia jumped on it, stayed put, however, when I jumped on it, my foot did a weird thing and now I have a bruise on my foot. We keep going, we stopped to stretch for a moment though, because feeling that, I wanted to make sure I didn’t hurt myself again. I was jumping really high and when I came back down, I did damage to myself. In all, I have a torn ACL, a fractured condyle of the femur and a pulled groin muscle. 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️
Amelia after a jump
I did however, get to spend some quality time with my sister and that made me feel a lot better. She was awesome. I’m so glad that I was there and got to be around her and her family. But damn, I hurt today. Had my flight home yesterday, which was upgraded to so I could have some leg room, and then once I got back to Phoenix, Thomas picked me up and we then drove for 3.5 hours to get home. Stopped in Payson for food at Denny’s, which was a bust for him, but not terrible for me. Finally got home, it was only noon… I started my day at essentially 1.15 am my time and I was beat. Took a long nap and I could have stayed sleeping.
Today, before I have to go back to work, has been a bit rough. The brace helps, but it hurts to sit on it for a long time, and then when I take it off, if I have to get around, it feels so heavy. I hurt a bit today as well.
I was able to go see some cool things in DC though. I went to the National Mall, would have been cooler if I wasn’t being pushed around or using crutches. Saw the Korean Conflict Memorial, the Vietnam Wall, and the WWII Memorial. I also got to see the Lincoln Monument and only took photos from a far of the Jefferson Memorial. I was whipped by the time we got done, and not only that, I was super smelly. Like gross caked on salt from sweat, reminded me of being on a ship and doing some kind of lube oil drill and everyone is in turnouts and everyone smells. Eww..
WWII memorial
The next steps are going to be fun. I have to go see my PCP this week, already had an appointment with him for other things, but, it’s good that I can get in so I can get my referral for an MRI in as well as an orthopedic surgeon referral. I think with luck, I’ll be back to walking within 6-8 weeks. Hoping for less though. And yes, that’s going to mean that for now, I’m down, once again.
It’s not so much that I feel like I don’t get enough rest, I really do. I wasn’t doing a whole lot this past month and I recently discovered that while I am trying to not do everything half-assed, I hadn’t been applying that to running and the fact remained, I was not giving it my full commitment. I was changing and doing well, I was loving doing runs again to see how far I could push myself. And now, I’m back to resting. I am super sad about it, but I know that there are a good many things that I can now focus more attention on. Like working on the business stuff, and maybe I could write down the recipes for making cheese – I miss cheese so damn much – and reading… And maybe spending more time on my computer, writing. I have started many different pieces, and yet, so many of them are sitting there, as a draft of a thought. That thought will not be the same and I won’t be able to recreate that moment in time that I was feeling whatever it was that I was feeling.
🌻
Thomas and I have been talking. He said that I need to learn my limitations. I have to realize that the older I get, the more prone to accidents I become. I’m not a klutz, and I don’t do silly things. This, he said was just an accident and that it’s not my fault. But now, I have to be the one who is trying to get better from it. It’s super frustrating for me. And if I am told to stay off of it, I am doing just that. Looks like I won’t be half-assing my recovery at all. There is too much at stake for me. I don’t want to risk hurting myself again either. Just too many things that I have to take into consideration. Makes my head hurt.
Lexi and I at the second round at the hospital
If you have stayed with me this far, dear reader, I do appreciate it. I’m just having a bad Tuesday. And I’ll heal and this will be ok, and things will keep moving. But for today, I am choosing self pity. I want to cry and breakdown and be sad and let my soul break just a little bit. I want to wallow in my own deep sad thoughts, I want to feel all the feels. But just for today. I don’t want this to bother me tomorrow or the following day. I want to get out of bed and be grateful that I woke up. I want to get my coffee and drink it while sitting out back and enjoying the chatter of the hummingbirds that are all around me. I want to put makeup on. But today, I have to worry about getting a shower chair, and eating dinner. Neither of which I actually want to do, but are a must for me. I want to eat an entire bar of oat milk chocolate and then eat my Ben & Jerry’s non-dairy frozen dessert – not even ice cream.
Regardless of what it is that I want to do, the things that have to happen will. Most of what I want to do today aren’t something that is going to happen because, well, I’m on the computer and not crumpled into a ball on the floor of the closet crying.
Fast forward 5 days…
It’s just time to recognize that I’m not a spring chicken anymore. I have some limitations but I will have to more aware of my circumstances and situations. Anyhow, time for other things… happy Sunday.
For the record, I’m terrible on crutches!
Fast Forward a few more days or rather weeks….
I have been to the Dr. I have had the MRI finally and sadly, I will eventually have to have surgery for a torn meniscus, and ACL that is still attached by “a few fibers”. It doesn’t say that I broke the femur but it’s not a good look at this point. Now I have to wait to see the ortho to find out more about this surgery. I have yet to be called about it. I can only play the waiting game. And, yes, I’m more than just a little bit pissed off. I have to remember that I live on the mountain and things are slower and there is no other place to go. It’s like dealing with our local hospital and their terrible billing practices. I also feel like the longer I wait for medical care, the longer I will have to heal. I’m mad about it, but there isn’t a whole lot that I can do about it. Today I’m sad about it and I’m letting myself be upset by it. Tomorrow is a new day so I am hopeful that I will be less upset by this whole thing. We shall see.
Until then, I’m on the couch doing things that I have been putting off. I have been working on the company logo, and too, I will be working on video for our company. My sister sent me a video the other day, it called out Libra and Virgo, me and Thomas, to do the things you have been putting off that you know you need to do. So, I feel like this is going to be the time that I need to get this stuff done. I have goals that I know we can met if we work hard. So now I have been given the gift of time. I think I will have to see this is a gift that I wouldn’t otherwise have been able to take advantage of. I will continue to be irritated with the whole thing and be thankful this is just my knee, and not a health emergency. I will continue to trust in the process and hope for the best though I know that it could do a lot better. I don’t think I will do it with the computer on my lab though. This hurts my knee. I think it’s time for some ice actually…
Until next time dear reader, thank you and good night 😎
If you are not aware, the Ides of March are a special day for all of us. The day changed how our modern world operates and how we can be so cruel and yet survive to see another day. In the year 44 BCE, our friend to Rome, Julius Cesar was stabbed to death, by his friends. They feared he was going to be a king and that simply could not happen. The last to stick a knife in him was Brutus. Rumor has it that he may have been Cesar’s illegitimate son. And he had been forgiven by Cesar for trying to fight him on the battlefield. The show Rome was a great adaptation of the whole thing. However, not to overshadow the killing thing, Cesar had brought together Rome and the people. They loved him. This changed how our now modern world works. This was also the day that my husband and I decided on for our anniversary. Why did I have to decide what day it was? The first year together came around and neither of us could put a finger on the exact date so we went with the Ides of March.
Snow on the trees at night
That was March 15. It’s now April. I think April fools day was not so great for me. I dropped my breakfast shake and it went all over the counter, got to work pissed off because I couldn’t make another one, that was the last of the fresh fruit. No toast for me either as I needed to be walking out the door, I’m grateful Thomas was there and he cleaned it up. Had sausage and crackers for breakfast. Decided I needed some more coffee. Had to hit up Walmart for it. Got there and there was no almond coffee creamer. Like none at all. Motherfuckers!! Opted for some Lemonade with blueberries. One of my most favorite flavors together. And through all of that, I’m sitting at my desk sneezing like crazy. Something is setting off my allergies really bad. I also bought some Ben & Jerry’s for lunch. Got done with lunch and went back to my office. Misty came in and she was kind enough to give me some Sudafed. I then asked my boss if it would be ok if I left early. She didn’t get back with me until about thirty minutes before I left. I ended up leaving 12 minutes early.
So pretty
Got home and I knew Kelsie and the kids were going to be over so I got home and they were doing quiet time. I love being around Kelsie. She’s such a sweet and kind person. She’s a great kid! We went to the bank to get some cash and when we got back it was time to clean up and go home. So instead of crawling into bed like I had wanted, I went downstairs and helped and hugged and said farewell for the day. Sat down on the little love seat. Thomas and I stared at the TV. 📺 Willy Wonka was on. Both of us snuggled down on our respective couches and slept. For three hours. Wow I needed that. When I woke up, the movies home screen was on and playing the music to one of the songs was playing. The one about no place like pure imagination. Yeah. The one Gene Wilder sings.
Got back upstairs and crawled into bed again. I was out before ten. What a day! As for getting anything done, I did run the day before. And let me tell you I got home from my 4.69 miles and within minutes of being home it began to sprinkle. And then it rained most of the day until it started snowing. And it dumped six inches of fresh snow on the ground. I love that! Thomas and I went for a drive that night just to go and see. It was beautiful.
Lunch. And dinner
As for forward progress, it’s moving at a much slower rate than what I want it to happen. With the kids over so much I haven’t really taken my sewing machine out to do anything. And I had to purchase a new one!! I’m still going over all the stitches but I’m loving it a great deal.
For my running I’ll admit that yesterday didn’t happen. Miles are increasing monthly so that’s a bonus. I had hoped for a hundred mile month for at least ten months this year. Maybe I can hit 9 months of the year and just pick up extra all that I can. I’m currently sitting at just over 200km for the year. I want to hit 1024 and make my challenge goal. Would love to hit it long before that because that’s only 612 miles. I wanted to hit 1000 miles this year. I can still make it. Just need to get up and go in the mornings. And I’ve been loving sleeping in. But I miss the sunrise so it’ll be starting up again with morning runs here soon. And I’m going to want to start to do my loop again. So I’ll have to work on that a bit. Oh and I have a race/run this weekend. It’s up here at the park and it’s four laps around the park for this year’s Tilman Run. I love the shirt this year too. And it the runs 20th year. Seems like twenty years ago was lifetimes ago. Huh. 🤔 it was at least Pipers life time.
Finished the run
It’s weird to think of 20 years ago. We were still rebuilding as a country from the attack on the twin towers. I was still serving in the navy. So many possibilities lay in front of us all. Life was so very long ago and far away.
Anyhow. The loop is going to have to happen many times over now. I’m excited about it. I like that area. And I got new running shoes. They work well on the dirt but not as much on the asphalt. I’ll keep wearing them. But I will start doing more trails. Hoping to get more miles in this month than last. I think I need to get myself moving in that case 😁😎🤩
I have a confession to make dear reader. I have gone through the whole of my life thinking I was concerned about others and taking care of those around me. But when shown the other perspective, I realized I am not the woman I thought I was.
In my mind, I am thoughtful and do nice things for others. In my mind I give my family what they need and do so without asking anything. In my mind, I’m pretty cool. However, I had my behavior pattern pointed out to me. I am not the things I think I am. There is no “goes without saying” because it somehow slipped my mind that no one can read my mind. I hate these hard truths about myself. But at the same time, it gives me a new way to see the person that I am.
Nearly sunset
Personally, I wish I could blame it all on my changing female body and the hormonal changes that come with getting older. I’m not a spring chicken anymore, so I know my body is doing the weirdest shit possible. I can see that I do all the good things for myself, drink water, move my body regularly, not binge eat Harbro gummy bears when I want to because they are there and delicious. And yet. Somehow I feel like my body is slowing down and telling me that I am getting older.
I wish I could lie to myself and say it’s because I’m stressed out. We are all stressed. This is more than it’s just stress. This is me not taking a good look at me and seeing what my best friend, my partner sees in me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a sign of an ending to us. No. Quite the contrary in fact. I am not objective when I look at me. I want to think I’m some kind of modern, everyday, run of the mill, small town person. I like to think of myself as being pretty but not too beautiful because to be beautiful is to be vain. And I think I’m fucking awesome at being alive but don’t want to be too prideful. Insert the soliloquy of America Ferrera in the movie Barbie. Wow. Well done sister!
Frozen lake now
I have come to see myself in a different way. I’m slower, easier to anger, and faster to forget. I put in a lot of lip service and I don’t mean it. I was asked recently, that if it came down to my parents and sisters or my husband and his daughter, I would chose my sisters. And it’s stuck with me since then. I was thinking about it at work too. And it makes me wonder.
I feel like this needs to be said. I have presented like that for a long time. It was in little things. Such as the photos on my Lock Screen. Now I open it just to see the photos. I have loved writing and yet I have never written to advocate for our girls. There is so much that I have left undone (I feel an underlying theme here lately 😑👎🏻).
Since then, and when I say then I’m referring to when I started this one in November.. November 15 to be exact, I have began taking a low dose of estrogen. I started looking at people in life for who they are, not just who they are to me. That one is a hard one. I have put a lot more thought into making my relationships better. Showing affection and using a softer voice. That’s not an easy one either. Stayed off my phone more with the kids over and played with legos and cars and Buzz Lightyear. I am being an active part of my life again and running again (except for today when the Yolandi was very clear that she wanted to go home. And I know from previous days like this, that she will ensure we go back with her way because that is her way!). I find joy in my everyday life and I’m so grateful for it all.
Love black and white shots
Action needs to be a dominant force. Action needs to be my new word. Am I setting a resolution? No. I want to look at it like it doesn’t have to be a lot of progress. Just forward progress. Forward with the business. Forward with writing. Forward with a podcast. Just forward.
I feel like forward action is the theme I am going to be embracing now. Forward action to get further this year than last.
I have been running again. Not too far or anything but I’m going to finish my 1024km challenge this year. I have forgotten that it will make me sore in parts that haven’t been that sore for a while. It’s almost like starting over but I already know what to expect so there isn’t any guesswork. I had to loosen the dog’s harness yesterday after our run because she just wasn’t in it at all. I’m going to be adding miles this coming week. I haven’t done the loop in so very long it’s time I see it again. And early will be better as the ground is frozen and I can get away with being in the mud on the side of the road. I’m looking forward to running this year. I don’t have any goals for it, but I’m taking it easy this month and will be upping miles a great deal next month. If I can hit about three miles a day, that will give me a good deal of miles. But I’m wanting to get better times too so I’ll be doing work at home too. Like stretching and strength training. Oh it’ll be amazing!!
That glare😁❤️❤️❤️
Anyhow, dear reader, if you got this far I thank you. I have wandered off topic a bit but I’m getting there again. I have a lot of work to do on myself. And today is the first day of the rest of my life. Unless it’s the last day of course. Happy Friday to you all. Let’s go have an adventure. 😎❤️
So, this is now the second installment of I’ve been meaning to write. If you recall, the first one was last year around this time. I was describing how I recently had my brother-in-law pass. Then, 6 weeks later, his sister died as well. But, I hadn’t talked to him in a really long time. And I had been meaning to write, I just hadn’t. The same was true about Bill when he passed in March of last year. The same was true when David Wayne died. And the same was true of Ed when he passed two years before. I had been meaning to write to say hello and that I thought of them, and hoped that they were well, and life was happy. That’s all I wish for my friends, I want them to be happy. But life happens and days turn into weeks into months into years and before I knew it they were gone. I couldn’t say anything to them any more. Anyhow, you get the idea.
In doing massage for the years I did, I was able to meet many people who have come and gone in my life. I have loved them as friends.. and when I say friends, I mean like the ones that you love and want to keep company with them when they are sad, and make hot cocoa for when their soul needs love.. Sometimes it’s ok to add some amaretto if you like. Or other spirits if you and they are so inclined. I have been able to spend a lot of time with them and it was my great honor to get to be apart of their lives. I hoped that they all knew how much I have valued them all.
This is a friend
One in particular was Ms. Sharon. She was older than me, in her 70’s when I met her 8 or 9 years ago. I think it could be longer than that actually, more like 12 years ago… Oh my. Anyhow, I would still see her after I started working at the bank, and I only stopped seeing her in the last two and half years. I would say about 6 months after I began working at the VA, I got a message from my friend that I worked with at the bank, that asked me to call Ms. Sharon. I kept thinking about calling her after it was time to go to bed, always around 9 pm. In my own opinion, it’s rude to call after certain times and before certain times, 9 at night and 8 in the morning. Or I would think about it when it was Sunday around 11 am. When she was in church. And then a few weeks went by and I started to feel bad that I hadn’t called her and then weeks turned into years. I really adored her. I got a message Saturday from her son that she had passed that week. In so many ways, she was an amazing friend. And I hadn’t called. But I really did mean to call her. For a long time I felt like I could say she was one of my best friends. I listened a lot to her talk about her kids and her life and her job and things that made her angry and how much she loved her kids and grandkids. She was a joy to me. I often thought of asking for her mailing address so I could write letters, and I never did.
Favorite photo of snow this year
In recent years, I have lost friends and I’m hurt that they ghosted me. And I did just that to a woman I loved a great deal. I thought how much I have wondered why they wouldn’t call when I couldn’t do the same for her. And I did it to all of those who I lost in recent years, including my grandmother, whose been gone nearly four years now. I have the power to do things and I spend my time sitting on my phone, not doing anything worth writing about.
And that is the point I guess. I have wasted so much time just doing nothing. And what’s really funny, if I think about it, I could have done so much with that wasted time. Oh the what if’s. All of the should have’s. I should have said something. I should have taken action and done something. A call, a letter, a word of encouragement that I should have been given. So many of those should haves. And not nearly enough of the calls to them to say hello. In moments like this, I like to think of what runners like to say. You only regret the miles you didn’t run. You only regret the things you didn’t say to them when they were alive. The I love you for being you. I’m so grateful for your friendship. I have learned so much from you. I think that I have a good many people that I need to say that to now.
I want a new care bear. I still have Friendship Bear
For the ones that have passed, there is nothing I can do for them. I can write letters to them that will never go any further than the fire that they are burned in. I can talk to them in my dreams if I’m lucky. I can talk to them while I run, but it’s never going to be good enough. I am certainly going think about all the things that will now always remain unsaid. Hopefully I won’t be making the same mistake with the other people in my life that mean anything to me.
The next day is never promised to any of us. It’s all just a guessing game of when it’s time to be done. Unless you have been given some kind of date of death, we are all just left guessing is this the day that I will leave and have a celestial passing. And at that point no one knows what the other side will be like. There is only the sadness from our regret of the things left unsaid and the times that we could have done something and should have, and didn’t.
I am not the artist. I don’t know who it is but it’s pretty
I will miss Ms. Sharon something fierce. She was such an astonishing woman. She was beautiful and survived a lot of things in life. She was a bit abrasive when you didn’t know her, but she was kind and thoughtful and generous. She loved her family so very much and was so proud of all of her kids and grandkids. I am so sad that I will never again be able to hear her voice and talk to her. I won’t be able to hug her. Maybe this year I can do something worthy of those who have passed to honor them by making sure that the people that I care about know that I do. I will have to figure out a plan on it, but I think this is a good place start for the year. For it is the year of the Dragon. The Wood Dragon in fact. I looked it up and as a Goat in that particular sign, it’s looking like it could be a rough go. I will just have to work my ass off… In fact it said that I will need to work harder this year than last too. And that there will be some ups and downs, and some good and some bad, but fear not, good things on the horizon. Also discovered that my husband and I are not compatible signs. Said that we will just need to work a little harder at it than other signs that may be together. Oh what a ride. … 😳🫣😎😎😎🤩🤩🤩
Which brings me to my last point, dear reader. I hope that your year didn’t start off with messages like that. It’s never fun beginning the year with a funeral. I hope that if you do lose loved ones this year, and really for all years, I hope that you were able to say I love you. For all of the lonely veterans that I talk to, for all of the lonely people I have talked to, I am truly sorry for my behavior. I knew that a call would always be something nice and I didn’t do it. I am going to work on doing better, I hope that you will learn from my mistakes, and tell the people that mean something to you that they do. We could all use more love in our lives. 💕❤️❤️
Anyhow, that’s all for today. I was given the idea of doing a podcast. My friend Sara said that I should do it. I have looked it up, and the equipment is where I’m not so sure where to begin. Well, that I’m not so great with editing. What would I talk about, who would I interview if at all? I was thinking about a mashup kind of thing. Maybe do something like a writing prompt i.e. what was you fondest memory of your childhood best friend and go with that.. Hmmm.. well, here I go with that one. Another idea. I still need to revise the book again and then get it out to people. Oh to publish.. What a dream come true that would be! To be heard by people who want to hear my opinion on whatever and listen to cool music. You never know what kind of a mood I’m in. Could do a once a week kind of thing.. hmmm… lots of thoughts on it.. Not much action on it so who knows. Action. That’s the name for this year. Action and actually do it. I think it’s time to stop half passing my life and put effort into the things I do. Might be a good idea. Let’s start putting ourselves into our work and working hard at it and putting effort into it. Not going through the motions to get by until tomorrow. It’s time… Good night 😎
There has been so much going on in my head that it would seem like it would take me a thousand days to get it all down. It’s strange really, I compose an entry almost daily and yet, I never seem to pick up the computer and put it in black and white. I wonder if there is a product that can read my mind when I ask it to and put it in writing… did you ever see the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? Jim Carey, Kate Winslet, Elijah Wood all play a part in this film where a woman is trying to erase the memory of a person. And every time they find a new memory of said person, they don’t seem to want to let go of each other.. He then does the same and they meet again on a bus, and start over with each other… Which makes me think of the movie What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams and today is actually the nine year anniversary of his death. Each year since then, most especially in the last two or three years, I have shed tears over it and I wondered why. Why did this one person’s death have such a profound effect on me? I didn’t know him. It’s not like we traveled in the same circles but why does it do this? I have never shed a tear for any other entertainer. I have been bummed that we lose amazing talent year after year as we all get another year older, but I am not overly tearful when it has happened to other people that I enjoyed watching their films. I digress.. What Dreams May Come was a gut wrenching film that had me in tears five minutes into it. I had to stop it to take out my contacts it was that bad.. Anyhow, a man loses his two children in a car collision. He and his wife are grief-stricken. He then dies in a a car collision or something and goes to this amazing place. Not really heaven but something amazing and wonderful. It’s an afterlife place of sorts. The other side if you will. He then learns that at some point, his wife commits suicide. He is determined to find her and bring her back from a place of no peace, of no happiness, nothing but dark and lonely forever… Well not entirely dark, think of a rainy day in the afternoon. When it’s nearly 1600 in the afternoon and it’s not the summer but not the fall yet so it’s a tiny bit chilly outside. And it’s bleak outside and it’s going to have you in tears so quickly. Grab a box of tissues for that one. But it’s so worth it. And you know how there seems to be a lot of movies that have been touching on the concept of reincarnation. I have noticed a few Disney movies that have given some interesting ideas on souls and where do they come from. What a thought though. Reincarnation. I have a feeling we find the same souls over and over again. I have had a few times where I have met someone and I know that I know them. But I don’t know where. I feel like that’s a moment in life when you find a soul you knew before somehow and the connection is fuzzy but slight enough to throw you off your rocker. Or to have flashbacks from a different life of the two of you in another time and place, as fighters not lovers. It’s such a wild ride to meet people like that. I’ve met a few people like that. I knew them at a different time. I have been thinking about the Navy a lot lately. Could be because reading/ listening to three different books about being a sailor?? I wonder?? First, I’m listening to a book by Admiral McRaven, narrated by Admiral McRaven called Sea Stories.. Wonder what he’s talking about. The next one I’m reading at lunch time at my desk is called It’s Your Ship by Captain D. Michael Abrashoff about leadership and what it means to be a good leader to your people. Ethics and stuff. The third book is called Two Years Before the Mast by Richard Henry David Jr. and it’s about him embarking as a sailor on a merchant marines ship for two years in a year I can’t remember at this time and the book is upstairs next to the bed and Thomas is in bed because he doesn’t feel good so I don’t want to go up there to be around his sick germs. I hate that he doesn’t feel good though. Means I can’t play with him. And while I was just vaccinated for my booster and I will be getting my flu shot this year, like always, I don’t want to get sick. I will love him from afar right now. From the safety of the couch downstairs. I can sometimes feel the breeze coming through the window with a light mist from the drizzle of the rain and I have the sound of rain on the tv with black screen so it’s not distracting… What’s on my mind.. Or better yet, what’s not on my mind?
Morning walk last weekMorning walk today
IF you’ve stayed with me this long dear reader, you can clearly see that my thought pattern isn’t exactly straight. Compound that with having to do work and get things done at home, work on the business and be a good parent, and work hard at my job, and try not to say stupid things at work, there is a lot on my mind and it’s a bit chaotic in there. As you can see by the date, I haven’t pulled the computer out for a while, but I did today. It’s the perfect day with Thomas not feeling good. I can listen to what I need to and concentrate on a few things that I tend to put off as often as I can.
A girl and her new toy
Yesterday I sat in the swing and talked to Thomas about some of the ideas for the business. It’s always a long conversation when we sit out back and talk. We say we are going to leave and do what ever errands need to be done at 8 in the morning and by 11 we are out the door. I was thinking about how to do some of the things we want to be able to market our product using animation. About a 30 second clip and that’s going to take some time. However, as we talked about last night, if I can spend an hour every night working on this, when we need it in six months, I will be somewhat proficient in the use of whatever animation platform that works that best. So far all I have found is that Procreate is one of the bests.. and it’s only made for iPad with the Apple Pencil. Or the iPhone. My phone is not a good enough size to really do much with that. So we then talked about other options as well. I have so many things to work on with the company that I needed to take a moment and get my thoughts down on paper.. in black and white? Whatever it is.. I want this to work and so I know that I have to put in my part of it too. So that’s what I’m doing here. Unless I find a donor who wants to give me said items so that I may do what I’m thinking would be a lot of fun and will be priceless when it comes to what we are trying to convey.
And then I told him that my plan was to spend the time daily and he asked when I was going to do that since we were already looking at 7.30 or so. I told him this was our hour long meeting about where are we going with the next steps. I’m excited for this creation. I am so hopeful that someone will want to buy it or license it. It really is a game changer. Fingers crossed.
Monday now. That was from Friday. Once again I open my computer and see that my document is still open. I hit the save draft button, it saves it no problem. I finish my thoughts and then hit save and it won’t save. Ah.. but this is why I spend the money on this was to be able to copy and paste.. So I tried to open a new pages entry and I x’ed out of this page altogether before I could copy and paste it.. UGH!!
Love black and white photos of the clouds
Today’s hour was dedicated to writing and finishing this entry. I have slacked for a long time waiting until the last minute to create something that I will look at and say, you know you didn’t do your best.. You didn’t give it your all, so with practice, that’s what I’m rolling with. Finishing thoughts and journal entries.
I have been making sure to exercise daily, and with Piper home, we walk three days a week together. Since they didn’t have school today, it was Navajo Code Talker Day, we decided to walk tomorrow. And I thought I had been doing good with food choices. I have even added a weight supplement for my slow metabolism to get it all working together.. Yeah, I gained 3 stone. I am shocked and saddened by this. I will lose it again. I didn’t eat ice cream, I have gone back to eating grapefruit. Double peel it and it’s such a wonderful fruit, with a bright flavor. Also, going with tea for a while for evening drinks. No biscuits for me, just the tea. I guess bodies are made in the kitchen. We shall see. I even walk or run lots.. I love to run, though with my hip out the last week, it’s hurts quite a lot. My back is popping even now, let’s hope the hip goes with it too.
Ok.. Now I’m tired. Have to get up early for my walk with Little Goose. We leave around 5 am.. Yay! What a Feeling!! Good night~
Since I started to run, on the anniversary of the twin towers falling, I have been able to take the day and reflect and lose myself in my thoughts. I tend to make this day and Veteran’s Day a long run if possible. However, after my first real injury, I am unable to do that for 9/11. I try to stay off of social media for the day as well and focus my energies somewhere else. Like my family.
One of the last long runs I did before hurting myself
I came across a post from years back, I love the memories section in Facebook, and it talked about 9/12. How unified we were as a country, how much we wanted to take revenge for the nearly 3000 souls that were taken from us far too soon. How it effected every day life for all of us. I wanted to talk about that day….
On the day of the events that would shape the next four years of my life, I was just out of boot camp for the Navy. We were on a break from class, it was called Mech Core. For all of the mechanical engineers going into the fleet with a designated field dealing with main propulsion. Mine was Engineman. I was sitting in class, talking to someone, and Bruce runs into our classroom and says someone drove a plane into the world trade center. What?! As we all sat in shock for a moment, I’m sure we either blew it off or where more of mind blown 🤯 kind of thing. Then our instructor runs into the class and turns the TV on to any channel at that point. And there it was. Live television. Time seemed to stand still, and then we watched as the second plane hit the other building.
It was so very surreal. I can remember it and yet, there are parts of it that my little sister remembers that I don’t recall any of. We were marched to lunch that day to the galley as every civilian was told to leave base. I don’t remember much from that day. Lexi says that we were able to meet up and call our parents that night. It was living in a dream of some sorts. I knew that when they announced we were on class Delta lockdown, that my life, and those all around me, would never be the same again.
Love this scene in Mad Max!
The following day, 9/12, it seemed that the entire country was ready to go to battle al la Mad Max: Fury Road.. the new one with Tom Hardy and Charlize Theron…. The part where they were all chasing all of the females, that’s what it seemed like. That sense that the world was going to let loose what no one wanted to see angered. The United States. We were with it. Women and men alike joined the military in droves. Even my recruiter was all up and arms about going to war with these motherfuckers!! Flags were flying in every place that you could fly one. There were all kinds of people reaching out to their neighbors, uniting as a whole. Hatred for each other was greatly outweighed for those fuckers who dared strike on our own territory!!! Even the president got on the TV and gave some kind of rousing speech. It was scary because I knew that we were going to war, and I’m most likely to be assigned to a ship and then go to a war zone, but I was shocked how many seemed to embrace one another in love and camaraderie. We, for a brief moment in time, could truly call ourselves, The United States.
My first ship during Fleet week in New York 2001
Days gave way to weeks and weeks gave way to years. We have come and gone, and our leaving those countries was just as horrific as our going into those places. I didn’t pay that much attention to politics while I was in the military. I simply took my orders and did what we needed to do. And if that meant back to back deployments with less than 45 days notice (which happened on two of the three deployments I had), then that’s what it took. Those times were hard, but, we loved the people who were beside us. Even the ones we didn’t like, we were still in it together. And to be honest, I would have been proud to give my life to save the ones I served with. Even the ones I didn’t like. And if you’ve served, you understand. If not, then I think you truly missed out on that kind of togetherness.
Each year on 9/11 my princess, Judi, posts a speech our captain gave when we joined the U.S.S. Rosevelt in our pursuit of ‘the enemy’. It’s a long speech, and it’s beautiful. It breaks my heart when I read it and I often wonder how so many can keep a stiff upper lip when reading this. I’ll post it some other time… The years have come and gone since that day. Many people have talked about that day, what it means to them. Where were they when they heard the news? What were you doing? Very similar to how you can ask people about where were you when you heard that Kennedy was shot, and they will give an exact recount of those moments when they heard that news.
Now days, I often wonder if this country will self destruct from the inside out. We are so divided as a country, and I wonder how can I leave this world a better place for my kids and my grandkids, and the truth is, I don’t think it’s going to end well. I hope I’m wrong, and I hope that good wonderful amazing things will happen to strengthen our bonds as a country and come together in both ideologies and concerns. I wish I could say that it’s not going to be something out of a fictitious book, but I can’t.
Many writers have captured what they think our dystopian future will look like. I watch V for Vendetta and I wonder if that’s a foreshadowing of a fictitious world, that isn’t too far off from what seems to be our inevitable destiny. I can say with all certainty that I don’t see how we would ever truly become so united, not just as a country, but as a world, to come up and be able to build such a truly amazing self sustaining space ship where we get to visit other planets and the like. I want to say that it would be amazing if that was the case. However I feel we are heading towards more of a Handmaids Tale kind of future. Sad, but true. I don’t have that kind of hope for a better future… Or if you prefer, a Cloud Atlas kind of future.. That would be my other guess… Who knows, all I know is, I miss the days when we smiled at each other, and thought that just for a brief moment in time, we could be united.
For today’s edition of revisiting old thoughts and finishing them, we will look at that one time, when protesters took over the capital building. And then thoughts on it now. I had strong feelings the day after it happened, which is when this was written. I still have strong feeling on it. The goal on revisiting old thoughts is to get one finished once a week. I have 11, including this one. Only ten more weeks to go and then more random thoughts about running and the occasional interludes about politics. and other ramblings.. which are thoughts that I tend to have while running in the morning. So, it works. Anyhow, there were only two corrections to the first part of this blog, both just needed better words due to too many redundancies. It is a bit scattered in the latter part. My mind is racing these days, I need a break 🙂
This is how it started
January 7, 2021
I was impressed with myself this morning for managing to get out of the house and go run. My head was not in the right space and it was most wonderful. I should have left the house a lot sooner than I did and as it would happen, I really needed that full 30 minutes to really get the endorphins going. And, as a result, my mood for the better part of the day was less than stellar. I feel like I should be taking my medicine before I get to work, and instead, it’s sat in my purse all day, and I have only just taken them since getting home today.
As I sit here, I can feel the effects of my meds kicking in and my brain tingles a bit and I can feel myself breathing a little easier. My body isn’t as tense and I’m relaxing into the keyboard as I get ready to get myself a nice bowl of chocolate ice cream. Tillamook Chocolate Mudslide.. if there is any left that is. And my bowl of which I speak, is no bigger than a small 4 ounce bowl, and I really don’t eat a lot of it. It’s too sweet for me. But it’s so rich and delicious, and I don’t eat it very often, I think after the last 36 hours or so, I deserve to take a deep breathe and try to relax. After all, shit really hit the fan yesterday and I can’t stay silent on this one. BRB…..
This is really from tonight… It sounded so good…
Lots of new things for me this week. I bought makeup and I actually like it a lot. I don’t feel like I have makeup on at all, so shout out to IL MAKIAGE for a fine product. I really like the concealer and eyeliner as well. And, the best part about their make-up was I wear a mask all day, every day, and I haven’t had any makeup wear off onto the mask. What IS this magic 🙂 Another first this week was I started to curl my hair before I go to work again. Why am I doing all of this fun getting made up kind of thing? Well, every few years I go through spurts where I want to look nice when I go to work, and so I will get up early and put effort into how I look when I get there. It makes me feel better about myself. I hate the time it takes because I don’t like giving up on my time to anything, so it’s a big deal for me to make an effort to be punctual. Yay me. Although, when I got work on Tuesday, my computer monitor died and I had to use a different one, therefore, I had to have my time adjusted because of the equipment and not because of me. Again, ya me. On Wednesday I got to watch in horror as domestic terrorists stormed the capital building. And what a fucking shit show that was. My stomach still hurts and I can feel my chest tighten as I think of it again. I am going to fast forward a bit to this evening, just before walking downstairs for dinner. I asked my husband did we have any protests in the 80’s that lead to the death of a police officer in the United States. We couldn’t think of any, but, let me take a look… and all the ones that I could find, there could have been more, weren’t on US soil. It was in the 1990’s that this started to happen.
Now, if you think back to the 90’s, I keep thinking it was like, 10 years ago, and it’s a lot more than that in reality. What can I say, I am child of that decade. I remember things happening and not really understanding the gravity of what it was until many years later. In 1993, there was bomb set off in the parking garage of the one of the Twin Towers. I can remember watching Peter Jennings as his calm deep voice would give me the news of the day, I had such a crush on him, who wouldn’t though? I can see the images in my head still of people coming out the building covered in concrete ash. They were coughing and it was a nasty site. I didn’t realize at the time that it was a terrorist attack. I knew what it was, but, at my age, I wasn’t old enough to really grasp the somberness of the situation. And then more things started to happen. More run ins with bombings in building and out in public. The federal building in Oklahoma was blown up in 1995. I was a few years older and I could see how bad this was. The very next year, there was a bombing at the Olympics in Atlanta. Thinking about it now, still makes tears start to well up in my eyes. And then we got to have a serial bomber send people packages that blew up and he did that for the better part of two decades. I could actually go on for a while about all the times since the 90’s that I have seen headlines about people dying in the country in mass shootings, protests, movie theaters, concerts, and our most vulnerable, schools. And while that would be a lovely dive into my thoughts on what we can do to do better, that’s not what I wanted to focus on.
My country has seen it’s fair share of radicals trying to destroy us from the outside. When the towers fell, I was 21, almost 22. I was in the United States Navy, I was in school, learning about lube oil purifiers. I knew in that instant, life was going to change. I had no way of knowing what was to come for me, but, I knew that being in the military, life as I knew it, in the blink of an eye, changed forever. This was the most earth shattering thing for me. That was scary, and I’m grateful I had sister there with me. No, I want to focus on the ones that came from within. The ones who say how much they love America.
Now, back to yesterday… that sounds funny doesn’t it 🙂 … I had no idea that there was anything going on recently. For whatever reason, I haven’t seen a lot of things on social media lately, so I was a bit late to the game about it. My boss was the one who told me about anything going on. It was when he came back from lunch and walked over to my desk and let me know that the capital building had been broken into. I was shocked. And since it was my early day, as I was trying to leave for the day, I was given the opportunity to talk to a woman for a good long while. I think she’s pretty awesome. And then she told me that she thought that this election was completely rigged and 45 won and there just couldn’t be any way that he would have lost. She had two grandkids who were there, she seemed jealous of them. My heart sank. I have a hard time with that one. So, I leave and put on Pandora, the 80’s alternative station. I was totally jamming out and loving it. Got home, and was glad to be there. Walked myself on up the stairs and Thomas has the news on live from a station out of L.A. They were showing photos of the destruction and videos of people wandering around as the bottom of the screen had a thing saying a 6pm curfew is in effect in Washington D.C. Odd. And then they started showing the videos of earlier in the day. The members of Congress and the Senate being taken out of the building through different staircases. Evacuated from their place of work and ordered to shelter in place. Almost like school children are rushed out of a building when there is an active shooter.. Fun Fact.. Most kids in this country have had Active Shooter drills at their schools because you never know when there is going to be a kid with their parent’s semi-automatic weapon that wasn’t locked up decide to take out their frustrations on their fellow students because life is hard and fuck this place, I’m taking everyone down with me manifesto kind of people. I hope during the next year or two, they will give some serious thought to changing the laws regarding guns. Maybe now that they know what it feels like to have that fear run through your veins, they can be empathic to the kids that have to do that drill to help them not get killed when it does happen… I digress… where was I?….. Watching the news reels of the events of the day. I stood there, still as can be, my hands pressed to my lips, eyes wide in shock, tears running down my face. I felt sucker punched, right to the gut. And then it felt like I was getting kicked in the gut over and over again. Wow.
Shock and disbelief is the best way to describe the emotions that I felt in the moment. My head was swirling and in a mess. Today, I tried to go run and it didn’t work. I posted my feelings on my social media, Instagram and one of my running groups. And then I got ready for work. My heart was heavy and I had a lot to say. I cried durning my run this morning. I let the tears flow as best as I could. I let them go some more today at lunch when I got a message that my post was removed from the running group. I knew I took a chance by putting my feelings into words. I was grateful for the kindness of the admin person who was super awesome. I never got to see the reaction to it, but, it could have been bad. I suspect that it was bad enough. I felt personally attacked, but, I didn’t have to actually read what others may or may not have said. It’s all just a gamble to me. And it could have been taken down before much was noticed. Who knows. I don’t right now. I’m ok with that, really. I have a hard time with online attacks, it’s not my best platform for trying to do debates. I would much rather get together with someone and talk to them in person, over a phone call, or whatever. I’m just not an internet arguing kind of person.
Anyhow, the point I was trying to make, very slowly, was that all of these things have hurt us. We have all felt the pain of an attack on our country. I would say many of us, but, then I realize not everyone is old enough to remember what it was like when the Federal building went down. It was more that the attacks had come from one of our own, one of our citizens, who was so upset with the way things were going, they decided they needed to make some changes. It’s like being stabbed in the back. We were unsuspecting fools to think it wouldn’t happen to us, but it did.
Yesterday was a far worse attack. Why do I say this? How can I compare this to Oklahoma? It’s nothing like that, and you’re right, to an extent, but let me continue. Yesterday, I got to see people who claim to be patriots of our country, the ones who say protesting and kneeling at a football game, silently, during the National Anthem, is disrespectful of the military, break through the doors of the very building that represents the law making part of our country and disrespect every military personnel, every veteran who ever put on that uniform, all of them, living and deceased. I saw the ones who claim that they are god fearing good christians act like shameful thugs and shit all over everything the military stands for. We took an oath of office to protect this country from all terrorist, foreign AND DOMESTIC. And what I saw yesterday was exactly that. They brought a confederate flag into that building, a flag from a group of people who LOST THE FUCKING WAR, into our most scared of places.
And those officers, wow. They didn’t seem to be prepared for any of this. Golly… When the protest for the Black Lives Matter was going on, the National Guard was called out and used lots of different way to subdue the crowd, including, but not limited to tear gas, and rubber bullets. People died in those riots. And the protests were over the disproportionate deaths of black men by the police. What’s really going to wet your noodle is know that if this was a group of black men, they would have been shot, a lot of them, brute force would have been used, and it wouldn’t have been the escorting out the building with no one in cuffs that was seen yesterday. Why was it so different? These people who took the building this week were white. You got it. A bunch of white people, who were incited by the president of this country to take back the vote, fight if you need, don’t give up without a fight, trial by combat, blah blah blah.
You know what this feels like to me. Well, first, work wasn’t as fun as I would have liked, given the day. I was relieved that none of my customers wanted to talk about today. And if they did, they didn’t say anything to me about it. At lunch, when I got the message from the admin lady, I was heartbroken. The place that I feel the safest to post about how I feel in life and getting though life, and it was taken down. I get it. But, I felt like a little kid getting in trouble for taking a chance and doing something that you might get in trouble for, but you might not. Today was a not. I was devastated, but, I was able to cry a bit more and that felt so much better. I got to talk to another cool person that I work with, and he was fun to talk to. Got back from lunch and felt better. I was still uptight, and I just put on my happy face and kept trying. On my way to and from work today, I changed the station on Pandora to U2 station and it was like it knew I needed that. They could read my mind. On the way home, it played The Rolling Stones, You Can’t Always Get What You Want, and then I started to think about the movie Hedwig and the Angry Inch the part where he’s talking about an essay he did for college, entitled, You, Cunt, Always Get What You Want. I giggled at thinking about that line. Always made me laugh. The last song on the way home with Pink Floyd’s Hey You, from The Wall. Now it’s one of my favorite albums, The Wall. I was given it the first time as a gift from my sister Colleen. She wrapped it in Starbucks napkins, and duct tape. Best gift! I listened to it for year. Today, while thinking on the lyrics, the closing lines of the song are, Together we stand, divided we fall. How true they are.
Today
April 6, 2021
It’s been 4 months since the attack on the capital and there has been a lot that has happened. Including, but not limited to, a birthday present for Kelsie, already arrived, Hanna had her baby, Kim had her baby, My little friend is 8 months old.. He’s so sweet and cute and tiny. I set out to finish the David Goggins 4x4x48 challenge in March and completed it!! I’m actually wearing the shirt right now, but, it’s dinner time right now, BRB…. So I get downstairs and Thomas asks what I’m doing. I said you told me dinner would be ready in 15 minutes, so I’m down here. He smile and says, 5 minutes Turkish… I brought the computer downstairs instead 🙂
Other notable things that have happened since that day 4 months ago, another officer was killed at the capital buildings this week. Had a car drove into him. I swear this place resembles a battlefield more and more to my mind. I am heartbroken over the politics of it, of which I don’t even want to go into. Instead, let’s talk about the coolest thing to happen this year is that the Boston Marathon opened up for a virtual race in October for the marathon. It is only open for 70,000 people and wouldn’t you know it, I fucking signed up!!! Hells yes, I’m excited. I don’t think that at this point in my life I am going to qualify with the time. Not to say that I won’t do that, but, that’s not a priority right now. Once it’s something I set my mind to doing, I am going to bust my ass to get there and dammit, I will make it on my own merit, but, that’s not right now. I am so over the moon about it. I haven’t talked about it on social media much about it, but, I am now. I am going to run the Boston Marathon this year, on my birthday. I won’t get the medal as soon as I cross the line, but, I will getting it done.
Holy Shit!!! That’s so cool
I am thinking more and more about the route I want to take when it comes to this. I live at 6800 feet above sea level and am trying to figure out what do I want to do. I will have to plan this out, train, work hard over the summer and make it happen. I am not a huge fan of running in the summer. I tend to whine about it a lot more than I should. I can still run, and for that I’m very grateful. I have done a walk with the dog yesterday and today. I need to get myself up earlier so I can actually get a good run in daily. I love how good I feel after I finish running. I think this means that there is going to be a big change in the way that I eat. I have no choice in that. I need to treat myself more like an athlete. Feed it better food. Take care of it more.
I have been getting a little more sleep in the last week or two or three. I have found that I love getting 8 hours of sleep at night. It feels amazing. I would love to get to bed earlier so I can get 8 hours and get up and go run 6 miles. That would mean going to bed a lot earlier… And then I wonder what if I went after dinner? Wait about 2 hours and then go run. That way I could come home and stretch and shower and go to sleep.. But the dog wakes me up in the morning, so, that doesn’t work either. Who knows, I will figure it out. I will just have to find a career in writing and running and making a better hat for women runners.
This mornings walk
So, that’s where I am now. Training for Boston. I also signed up for the Pat Tillman run that I will also do as a virtual race. I am looking forward to doing in person running races again. Dinner is ready now… BRB
Oh that was delicious. Grilled chicken and peppers and baby potatoes. No, I couldn’t eat it all. It was so good. After dinner, Thomas asked me to grab something from the gas station so I went. I walked up and down the candy, giggling to myself thinking, yeah, some athlete. I settled for a mango apple bar called That’s It. It just has an apple and a mango. I left them in the car for tomorrow. They will make for a great breakfast. I feel like being able to take on this marathon is big deal and it’s going to be won with the everyday battles I have with food and working out and taking proper care of myself. I will have to change the way I think about food altogether I think. Who knows. Maybe I will have more on this next week. Maybe I will make more sense next. Or, better yet, I will eat a bowl of ice cream and savor the rich chocolate flavors and smile at my day, give thanks for the wonder and beauty of my life, and go to bed happy. Again, who knows. Peace ~
The Morning High Runner 