A New Thing

This afternoon, while I was preparing lunch, Little Gotro came downstairs and stated that she would eat, but she was cleaning her room. How am I to stop that? She said it just got to a point where it was just too much. FINALLY!!! She has done it. Gotten to the point where it gets so bad that you have to stop everything you thought you were going to do and clean up your mess. I had to do that yesterday too, but it was more like a whirlwind named Julia came through and needed to pick up her mess.

The last more than a couple of mornings, I have managed to get up before work and do a work out. The last two days, I have run before doing the workout and I can say that I will make sure to do the workout before the running. I have been feeling like the new dose on my meds was making me not so happy. And truth be told, I was getting upset with myself because I was allowing myself to do whatever I wanted and not do anything to help keep it balanced. Since the time I thought about this, it was a blizzard out last week. Not like some snow and shit, but a real blizzard. Complete with howling high winds and snow blowing sideways making large drifts along the sides of houses and trees. It was so snowy out that our clinic was closed for a day. The roads were frozen and the temperatures were below zero. I don’t run in those kinds of conditions. But I knew that I needed to feel better so I got myself out of bed and I went downstairs and got my DVD and went back upstairs and started to do a short 24 minute workout. I’m thinking this would have been Thursday morning. (It’s now Monday afternoon, President’s Day). Got up Thursday and Friday morning to work out. I got up Saturday, Sunday and Monday to do that workout following a two mile run. Tomorrow it will be workout and then a 2 mile run.

I thought that doing the run first would be easier for me and the dog since she doesn’t have to be in here for that. She’ll be upset in the morning when she realizes that we will be going running after workout. But, for this week, we are only working on 2 miles. The goal at this time is to be able to get to run those two miles without walking, and stopping only due to the dog having to sniff or pee or take a poo. I’m ok with stopping for that but I want my body to get back to where it was a long ish time ago.

The run itself yesterday was so nice. Slow pace but I wanted to maintain the pace throughout the entire run. I was just about a full km when I had to walk due to seeing a young family with a puppy off the leash coming towards us. Then shortly behind them was an older gentleman with a dog off the leash as well, much more well behaved than mine is. But again, I don’t run by situations like this. Too many times I have had a dog charge me and The Yolandi Dog and so we are very alert while passing other animals like that. We get closer to our turnaround and there was another dog just running in the road, doing what he wanted. So we turned around. And then getting back to our neighborhood, we saw the second gentleman again and decided to not go down that road. I hit time on the watch and get the dog inside and off of her leash to see that I have .09 to hit my two mile mark. So I take off around the parking lot. I have a new fastest mile. 15:46:12 is the new record for this watch. The watch is brand new, got it on Friday. I got a Garmin of course, this is a Vivoactive 4S I think. Yup. That’s what the box says. I like how I am already getting so used to this one.

For the run today, I found it to be a little harder than the one yesterday. Again, I am pretty sure that I really should have warmed up more before running this morning and that would have made a big difference. Hindsight being what it is, I went out this morning, and I was feeling a little more stiff than I wanted to be. I could feel the shin splints wanting to come on, it was not the funnest, and yet, I was loving every moment of it! Both of my legs were hurting evenly and you have no idea how much that made me smile. You see, dear reader, when I was first starting to run after my injury, I was only getting pain in one leg for shin splits. I didn’t want to over do it. But, I wasn’t having any of those problems in the right leg. As you can see now, I am very happy about having those in both legs. They are starting on equal ground now. Not only that, I find that when I do the squats and lunges, it feels like it’s helping to stretch that leg properly as well as help it strengthen and find that balance with the other leg. You know what would be epic, I good hard massage a long bath and about 12 hours of sleep… That would be so lovely.

My new watch also tells me what my body battery is at. Since I got it and have been wearing it, my body battery has been sitting right at 5. I had it as high as 25 this morning after finally feeling like I got a restful sleep, and now it’s sitting pretty at 9. Might have been the nap I just took as well. For my afternoon snack, I went with some cold cereal. Nothing sugar coated and I didn’t add any sugar to it either. Just some almond milk and honey nut Chex. I like how crunchy they are. I would say that I’m trying to go a little bit lighter on the sugar, so I had some protein toast fro breakfast after working out, though tomorrow, I might opt for something with a little more umf to it. I had two slices of toast, one with butter the other with butter and peanut butter. For lunch, I had some crackers at my parents house and came home directly and ate my sandwich and two pickles. From there I took a nap for an hour. For my afternoon snack, I had my bowl of cereal and now, I’m eating a small bag of gummy bears. So much for working on less sugar. I’m just so hungry right now and I had a bag of gummy bears… I am ashamed 😔 I’ll get over that, don’t worry. I might have some apples in the fridge or a cucumber. Who knows at this point. I might opt for ice cream later. I have way too many of them, might combine some for a milk shake with dinner… that might be fun 🧐😎

I am working on me because I want to. Not because I feel like I need to be someone of influence or statue, but just a lady who wants to feel her best. I am not giving up coffee though! I know that I will always carry some weight on me, and that’s ok with me. Thomas loves it as it is. My best friend doesn’t think I look bad so why should I tell myself that either. I don’t look bad. But like everything other area of my life, it could always use some improvements. I am a work in progress, forever striving to be better than the woman I was yesterday. …. there went the last gummy bear…. Oh well… They were delicious!

Good night kids~

Changing of the Seasons

On Friday this past week, I was able to go out for a short walk. Made it to .70 miles that day. But I noticed that I was a bit cold. And then it hit me as I started to look all around. Today was the day. It’s the day the air turns from summer breezes to autumn chills. That north wind came up again, and now here we are.

As I sit here, it’s 6 days until the official start of fall. My favorite time of the year. It only lasts but a few short weeks and it can be skipped altogether as it had last year. Went straight from summer to winter.. Or was that the year before???🧐🧐 Anyhow, last year I was not able to enjoy it very much. I was training for my marathon on my birthday and then got sick from running it.. on my birthday. Got a nasty sinus infection and was down for about a week and then I had surgery and that took me out of the game for quite a while. I wasn’t able to enjoy those crisp mornings when it’s chilly but you still end up sweating to death from the run itself. Those are the best kind of runs in my opinion.

The grass and weeds have started to turn

This year will be a bit challenging. Since I am two weeks post hamstring tear, I am only able to go as far as I can walk, slowly. Walking is still a bit of a challenge for me, and I try not to compensate for it, but, I can feel it when I’m done. I will still be going out in the morning, though, not like I like to. I will be doing more body work and core stuff as I try to just gain strength in the muscle group. I have a bag that I will be utilizing as well as going back to doing my plank challenge when I am able to. I like doing some weighted twists as well to help with the mid section. I am focusing on that because, well, I have discovered that not being able to move from my bed very much the last two weeks, I have a very super slow metabolism. So while I lay in bed, legs outstretched, one on a pillow to keep from having some serious pain, my body is just saving those calories for to work off at a later date. Ugh! I had just bought a smaller size jeans no less!! And two new pairs of pants for work.

I will still be up at before the break of dawn to get my walk in and then get a small workout in. I know that I will be doing the same in the evening. My husband has graciously offered to help me and work on a few things like dynamic movement and calisthenics. I want to come back better than I was. I want to get a better race time, though, no races on the horizon for me. I find it’s hard to get out there and just go when I have nothing to work towards. I’m a rewards kind of girl and I love the medal at the end of the race. Not too sure how I will get to the next race at this point. I’m working with a lot of things. Going out and doing shit costs money and whole lot more than it used to a year ago, I’m not so sure I can swing this kind of fun again. It’s ok. There are lots of races to sign up for here soon. Not sure when I will be able to get out there again, but, I know it’s going to be with a better time on my 10km’s and my 15km’s.

Now, it’s time to get that warm spice feeling in the air, make some pumpkin pie stuff and all kinds of other things. Yeah, not a long post today, and I have been thinking about fall since Friday as well. Guess my thoughts on running as a female took it all out of me (I only edited and added photos today. I have to give the writing a day before posting. I’m not that great at spell check the day of, I tend to read what I am thinking it says, rather than what it’s supposed to say.) and that was a lot to say about it. Will those words fall on deaf ears? Most likely. The men in this world who attack and kill and rape women are not likely readers of my blog. I could be wrong, but, not likely at this point.

Anyhow, hope you, dear reader, have had a lovely beginning of fall this week. It’s in the air. I can feel coming in the air. The leaves are slowing changing, and then in a week or so, it’ll all be right there in the middle of the changing of the trees as they shed their leaves. The oak trees around here are usually the last to come into bloom, and then one of the first who start shedding the leaves. The honey locust tree is the one that actually changes first. I can’t wait. Hot chocolate with my husband and my baby, sitting around watching old movies.

Hope your hump day, dear reader, sees only sunshine and smiles.

When It’s Time to Take a Break

The whole idea of a rest day, is something that I love and I hate at the same time. If I don’t run in the morning, then I will feel it all day, and then nine times out of ten, I won’t run in the afternoon. And then of course, I will whine about it and try it all again the next day. I have been doing good this last month. I was able to pick up and start doing 10k’s again, and that was making me feel really good about it. I am so happy about that.

For the years that I did massage full time, I remember how others would get sick or injure themselves and I used to say that the body has a way of making you slow down when you really need it. I have been lucky enough to only have to deal with a few minor things. I’ve pulled muscles and fallen and hurt myself a bit here and there. Surgery was a hard one for me last year. I couldn’t run, and then I couldn’t have sex and there are two wonderful things that I use as a stress reliever (it’s also how I stay connected to my husband, and he’s pretty fond of that as well).

Let me paint a picture for you. It’s a beautiful summer day, the sun is bright, and we are dressed and ready to go take the kayaks out for a little fun on the lake. Have to take them to get washed off a bit, as they weren’t covered the last time we took them out, thinking that the rain will help clean them, and that’s not what happened. So go to the car wash and I jump out and am spraying off the two on my car and then Kelsie drives in and I’m to get the one on her truck. I get half way around to the back of the vehicle and I step up on the back bumper, that little dip where the license plate is, that’s where I’m standing. I hold onto the light on the top and get the sprayer and pull the trigger and next thing I know, I have been pushed back from the force of the water and one leg hits the wet concrete, my right foot and it keeps sliding backwards. And as I keep going down and the other foot finally comes off the back bumper and I’m in a side splits position and slam down on the concrete. I hear a loud pop and then I couldn’t move and I couldn’t explain how much that it hurt. I had injured myself. For the first time ever, I really injured myself. Kelsie and Thomas get me out of the wash bay and as I’m standing at the side of it, I can feel myself trying to not pass out from this. Voices are muted and it feels like they are talking to me at the back of a tunnel. Again, a new thing to come that close to passing out from pain. With much wailing and crying and screaming, I manage to get into the car and Piper drives us home. She is such a trooper though she was scared beyond words for sure. I try to get out of the car and Thomas asked if we need to go to the ER. Yes. Yes we do need to go.

Get to the hospital and Thomas gets me a wheelchair and I’m taken back immediately taken to triage, and from there, I’m quickly whisked away to a room. The tears from the pain are flowing and I have never felt pain like this before. I didn’t throw up, and I didn’t wet myself at the time, so there was a silver lining. It wasn’t even 11.30 yet in the morning. A gentleman named Matthew came in and did the X-rays on me, and I cried from that. The good news, no broken hip though it’s not dislocated either, and I can move the leg from side to side but I can’t extend my leg fully. So, they order a CT scan to make sure there are no broken parts in there, even a hairline fracture. As it turns out, the CT scan reveals that I have a torn muscle. My hamstring is torn and I have severely strained my groin muscles as well.

At this point, it’s getting closer to me leaving the hospital and I have two very nice ladies come in to fit me for crutches. Upon trying to stand up and put weight on the crutches I can’t do it, and the pain is unreal. I’m sobbing pain at this point. I am then given my discharge instructions and they put me in a wheelchair and take me to the waiting room, as I’m waiting for Thomas to get back to the hospital. More tears come as he’s trying to get me into the car. And then more wailing in pain to get me up two stairs to get into the house. I’m sure the neighbors were wondering what was going on. Got to the couch in the living room now and I’m in so much pain.

What feels like forever, I know to be only about an hour, I know that I have to get upstairs to get into the tub and into bed. I make the decision and begin my way up stairs. I’m on my butt, going up backwards, lifting with my arms and my good leg. The pain ranges from my low back and radiates from there all the way to my knee. There is a sharp shooting pain that goes down the back of my leg to my knee and wow. That’s super not fun. With much help, I get into the tub and do a soak, that hurts, and wash my body, I was super smelly. Got into bed, and then had some food, took my pain meds and went to bed.

Sunday comes and so far, there isn’t a bruise yet. It’s just hurts. I lay in bed all day only getting out to go the ten feet to the toilet and back. With my leg hanging, it’s very painful to try and use the crutches. As if it’s being pulled downwards and that hurts. I talked to a few people and spent time on social media, what a waste of time that was, and watch some funny shows here and there. Monday, Labor Day comes. I am determined to shower today. I make it to the bathroom and am able to use the shower chair my parents brought me the evening before. I felt so good to wash my hair and my body. To not smell myself was a huge good thing.

So now, here I am, on Tuesday (though likely won’t post until later this week). I have been able to make an appointment with my PCP for Friday. I am taking photos of the bruises to see how they change, and when I got up this morning, it looked like Mickey Mouse’s head. Now, it’s just a giant purple bruise that’s spreading. It’s so swollen and taking photos of it doesn’t do it justice, especially when you consider it’s right at the base of my butt. I have yet to be able to extend my leg at this time, and the dull achy pain, is more of an annoyance than anything. I can’t do anything and that’s what is hard for me.

So that brings me to taking a break from running. This one is not something that I had planned. But, with time off, I’m hoping that things will work out for me. I have some patches that I really wanted to sew onto a messenger bag that I love. I bought the needles for it, and now I have to get some thread and a pair of scissors up here and I can do that. I also have time to get back to my video that I’m making for sales of a product that my husband and I have invented. I haven’t worked on that for a while now and now is as good as time as any. I mean, all I’m doing is sitting on my butt right now. I am noticing that my hip hurts, my other leg hurts and I am working on moving my leg, but, I don’t know. It’s going to take some weeks to get back to normal again. In fact, the PA that I saw said he tore the same muscle last year, and it really does take 6-8 weeks of recovery before I’m going to be feeling more like normal. I don’t know how bad the scar tissue is going to be, but, I guess I will have to wait and see.

I have to say though, my husband and child have been so good to me and have helped me to get set up and be able to function a little bit. I have everything I really need, my grinder, my pipe, my food and snacks and now my computer. All I need now is to be able to sit on a hard surface without wanting to cry. So with that in mind, I will have to wait to go to work. For now, it is what it is. A lesson in patience, humility, and giving control to others to take care of me. It’s not an easy lesson, but, one that is there to learn. I will fight it of course, because I don’t know that I can’t do things. Which is the whole reason I was washing the kayak in the first place. I didn’t know that I couldn’t do that. I do know though.

Have a great day kids.. if you can run, run for me… I can’t for at least two months. ~ ❤️

Reset Button

It has come to my attention that it’s been months and months since I have put pen to paper. Or fingers to keyboard as it were. I have thought about it many times, but the last time I tried to write, I went to my site and it said that the browser wasn’t supported. UGH!! 😑 😩

So, after a new update to the computer, I am once again able to get into the website and writing. I am happy to say that there have been many good things that have happened since the last time that I have written, but, there is a lot of stress with life right now as well, that I can say that I’m so glad for the running that is coming in the next few weeks/months.

The sun seems like it’s high in the sky, but it’s not

It’s really only been a few weeks since the last time I post anything. Which is nice to know that at least when I was feeling it, I was able to get something down. This morning’s run was so good! It’s been more than a week since my last run, 8 days, it was last Saturday in fact. Which feels like ages ago. I thought for sure I would be able to run every other day this last week like I had been able to do the week before, but, that wasn’t going to happen. Suffice to say, there has been a lot to things going on in life that I don’t want to share with everyone in the world right now. However, there are a few good things that have come from this week.

Starting today, Piper and I will be meal pre prepping. Or rather, I will preparing snacks for the next day so I don’t get to the middle of the morning and feel like I’m dying. The idea for Piper is to help her stay on track with snacking. And since she will be home this week, I am hoping that she will be making better choices. Tomorrow, Piper and I will be running daily, I am not going to try to go all out first thing, but, she’s going to be training for the 5k next month followed by stretching and 20 minutes of daily meditation.

There is going to be a lot more close family time as well, but, work is also getting more stressful, so, I may have to stay a little later on a daily basis. Overall, I think good things are on the horizon. At least I am hopeful for it.

Anyhow, surgery had me down for a while and now I am able to go out and run again. I am doing better with times and distances. Today I tried to keep running and push a little harder. We hit up the trail down the road a little bit down the road and it was so pretty. I loved being out side. I tried a new place list as well. I am pleased to say that this list was so awesome and I loved it!! The music of which I speak, dear reader, was a playlist on YouTube that had been sent to me by a co-worker one day. I listened to it, the title was Viking Music 2021 | World’s Most Dark & Powerful Viking Music | EPIC MUSIC | VIKING BATTLE MUSIC.. here’s the link.. Anyhow, it is music that I found that I loved to listen to. It made me friskies and from that, I thought perhaps, I would like to listen to this while running. After all, if you read the comments, some of them are awesome, so I tried it out and wow.. It was a good call I would say!! Lots of good beats to move too!

The air was cold this morning! I didn’t go yesterday because I was thinking 13 was too cold to run in, it’s not, I just didn’t want to, but, today, it was 23 out so I pulled on my long socks and my new hat and I went out. It was such good idea. It was only 3.57 miles today, but, I worked hard at it and the trail part of it is hard. My husband has said that he doesn’t want me on the trails just yet since there is a lot of jostling around of the innards. So, it was a little bit of the trail but mostly not. It felt good to be out in the forest listening to the beats of the vikings. Oh what a day for it!

Anyhow, I have one adjustment to make to the hats and then I can have them sent off to be made into samples so I can get those sent out for research and development. And then from there, it goes into production so we can start to sell them and get them onto people heads. That’s the goal at least. And then there is my book, that once I get the last modification done, I can go through the first draft and start to make revisions to it and go from there. And then, I have done something kind of big for me. I went and got my own OnlyFans page. What am I selling? Why my legs and feet in my pretty shoes while I read classic literature. I have a few books that I am going to read, but I don’t know which one to read first. I have Thomas Paine, Common Sense, Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter, The Complete Fairy Tales of Oscar Wilde, and Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol. I am thinking A Christmas Carol first, since it’s the holiday season, but, I don’t have the book yet, it won’t be here until Thursday. I like my feet. They are pretty and look like Barbie feet. I run, so my legs are defined and I like to buy shoes so might as well.

Shameless plug for myself? Yes. I love these shoes!!

I guess that’s all for today. It’s good to get this all out. I have missed this more than I can say! Have a lovely night you beautiful readers!

New Years Day vs. April Fools

I was looking over the drafts that I had started a bit ago and thought that these were worthy thoughts that I wanted to share with you, dear reader, so I am going back over them and finishing those thoughts. Some are going to be painful and hurt, and some are silly and who the fuck knows what the hell I was thinking at that time. I didn’t want to leave it hanging any more. So, for tonights installment of my random weird thoughts, I give you my thoughts on the day that they were originally written, corrections being made only in grammar and spelling, and then the results, or the end of those thoughts as they are now. Hopefully more educated, wiser, better informed. I hope that it makes sense and that you will forgive me for not finishing the thoughts the day they came to me. I do tend to loose the inspiration if I don’t get it all done in the first sitting. Which, interestingly enough, is talked about in Steven Kotler’s books, an author I will be talking about later, though, it might not be either of the books that I will tell you about in this selection.

January 1, 2021

All day today, I was playing on social media when taking a break from re-arranging the living room -this is to allow for better use of the space. I noticed that everyone was talking about the year and how this year is holding a lot more promise than that of last year. I am no different I am afriad. I love the New Year for that reason. I like that it’s a time of reflection, of perspective, of hope, and of what good is to come. I like that when I was growing up, it was our duty to come to dinner with a list of two things. First was what are we grateful for. What kind of wonderful things happened that we could remember before dinner that night, because, really, we didn’t have that until the last minute. And the second was our list of our New Years Resolutions. In thinking of it, I would like to think that it’s because my parents wanted us to take a look at our selves, a bit of introspection or self evaluation if you will. To take a look at ourselves and see if we could make ourselves better people in the process.

I haven’t really made resolutions for a long time. I don’t like the idea of making a point to try to do something or be something or lose something or gain something. I want to be realistic in what I can do and what I think I can do. There are some goals that are lofty that I have and there are some that I would like to accomplish, and then there are some that are a bit unlikely, but would be lovely, like building my own house, or rather, having my dream house built for me. Last year I set out to run a marathon and you know it, I did it. I wanted to run 1500 miles, and I made it to just under 900 miles. Am I disappointed, no, not really. I could be really hard on myself and say that I was lazy, but, in truth, I just became really overwhelmed and lost it. I wasn’t shut down during the pandemic and it was a lot harder on me than what I would like to admit to online. I had a hard time, and I made it through it. For now at least. And so, with the amount of stress that I have been under, I give myself a lot of slack and don’t allow for the thought of I’m being lazy. No, I’m not lazy, I’m exhausted. And there are days when I have to listen to my body and hope that my dog will forgive me for not taking her on our walk.

My grandmother passed this past year, just over a year now and I made a decision to run for her, for each year that she was alive, 87. Then, I signed up for a 500 mile in 95 day virtual race. I guess that what I wanted to set a goal that I knew I wasn’t going to hit and I tried anyway. I made it from April to December taking a total of 43 days off with only three days missed from the 19th of June until October 3rd. And then it was more like take day, workout like five days and then take two or three days. I made it 325 miles in 95 days, which was really good for me, I am so glad I did it. In fact, I got the shirt after submitting all my miles and an email was sent out saying that since we had put in so much effort into it, they were going to send us all the medals and shirts. It’s my favorite shirt right now.

I wanted to take up playing my trumpet again, and while that hasn’t happened, Covid did instead. I have the trumpet and have moved it upstairs where I will put a mute in and practice up there. As for making it into the symphony, well, right now isn’t the best time for it. So I will just practice and keep going.

I have put a lot of thought into what kind of goals do I want to set for myself. I have come up with two so far, and I will tell you, dear reader what they are now. First of all, I love taking photos. I love the beauty of the sunrise and sunset and I love seeing how the landscape looks at first light. I also am vain and love taking selfies! Not that I think I’m all super great to look at, but, I just enjoy taking the photos. So with these two things in mind, I will give you the goals. To go along with my love of photos, I am going to dedicate this year’s photos to black and white only. Why? For a few reasons actually. I have always thought that the contrast of the black and white photos were so amazing. Take Ansel Adams and his shots of Yosemite or Yellowstone. Or for instance the photo of the sailor and the nurse after the victory of World War II. I love it. When I got married the first time, I had made sure to buy black and white film for it. When I got photos done professionally when Piper was only 6 weeks old, my favorite one was a black and white. When I moved home, I was getting up from dinner with my parents, and I saw the photo again, they had a small version of it, and I said, I look so good in black and white. I wish I could marry a guy who only sees in black and white. Now, unbeknownst to me, that’s an actual thing. And wouldn’t you know it, the man I married, sees only in black and white and about 13 shades of gray. I see more than a million shades of colour on the spectrum. I can’t see it clearly, but, that’s not the point. I want to take a year and look at life the way that my husband does. I hate that sunsets are lost on him, but, I will do my best to capture it as close to what he sees as I can understand. I watched It’s a Wonderful Life in Technicolor for the first time, or rather it was just coloured over, but, it was too much for me, I wept at it. It was so strange, so I can only imagine how odd it would be for him to try to process what our world looks like to him. He says colour sighted people are handicapped in that we don’t know how to describe our world to him without using colours. He wasn’t allowed into the Marines because of it. I had a hard time when we first started dating trying to explain things without colour or how to describe a colour. I can say with confidence now, that, I have gotten better at it. I’m not the best, and trying to understand how he gets by with this kind of limited vision. There are many things that I have already been able to see and be stunned by them.

The same spot, the same time, the day… without color

For the next part of my resolutions, I wanted to take the year and take the filter that I love so much to use with Snapchat. I love doing my post run selfies, however, in the summer time especially, my face gets so red and flushed when I run because of how hot I get. Living in Arizona is great, but the summers are brutal at best. Even living in the mountains, I’m not immune to the heat of the desert. I love the filters because they take the red that is in my face naturally and it makes it look so much less hot. Less like I’m on fire. Oh well.

New Year’s Eve, Last day using my favorite filter

March 29, 2021

For the most part, I am doing well with my goals for the year. I have been commissioned to do a photo of the mountains and the sky in black and white, so I think I could be on to something with this. I am thinking of doing the masterclass series with Annie Lebowitz.. The last person who took a photo of John Lennon, and not to brag but I was born on his birthday and his mother and I share the same name. Which makes us cool peeps together. I love the idea of taking photos of the place around me and that others like them and want them as well.

I added another goal after I first decided to have resolutions. It was to listen to books on tape when I was driving to work. I mean, it’s over an hour daily, I might as well learn something while I am doing that. I can tell you for sure, dear reader, that I am loving these books. My favorite author so far is Steven Kotler, who has written many books, 15, of which I have listened to 7 with an 8th in line, but, the ones that I’m crazy about are the ones that discuss neuroscience and how when we do something, like put in the correct word in the crossword puzzle, what the biology of our brains is doing at that time. There are now reasons why I will play a bit of mind games, think Sudoko or Majong or something that is going to require that I have to use strategy because I will count on that little squirt of dopamine to help pick my mood up if I’ve been feeling less than stellar that day. I also love the books written by Vishen Lakhiani, The Code of The Extraordinary Mind and the one that I am currently on, The Buddha and The Badass. And trust me, there is so much in these books that I wish I had the hardcopies of so I could refer back to them on a regular basis. Well, I did purchase the latter two books and the two of Steven Kotler’s books, The Rise of Superman: Decoding The Science of Ultimate Human Performance and Stealing Fire: How the Silicone Valley, the Navy SEALs, and Maverick Sciencists are Revolutionizing the Way We Live and Work, for my nephew for Christmas. Whether he reads them or not, we shall see… I think he would really like Stealing Fire. The idea was to turn my drive to a time where not only could I relax from the day, I could also make myself a little bit better as I did so everyday.

There was another one that I had thought of, but, it must not have been that important since I can’t remember it at all. I mean I thought it was important but I didn’t write it down, and therein lies the problem.

I would like to add that altogether this isn’t a resolution as is it more of a stand on things I can’t support. At the beginning of the year, Nabisco introduced something amazing!! Gluten Free Oreo! I couldn’t have been more excited about cookies I wouldn’t normally buy but now I can. I had gotten two for Piper, and after only getting two cookies collectively from those two bags, got myself a bag. And then I found another one and bought that one too. As I had taken a week and a half to eat them, I wasn’t paying that much attention to them. I happened to turn the package over and read the list for the ingredients. I was crushed to see palm oil listed as the second item. No!!! I threw away the last two and haven’t touched the other bag. I also gave up eating containers of frosting for the same reason… it would take me months to eat that, I wasn’t like eating it all at once.. ewww.. Just need some sugar. And it was dark chocolate sugar. So good, until again, I see that the second item listed is palm oil. Why is palm oil a bad thing you may wonder. I don’t agree with the conditions in which it’s made. I have to take a stand somewhere. It’s not much, and it’s food that I really don’t need to eat, so I guess it’s not something I could consider a loss, but, I will miss double stuff cookies. Because really, anything other than a double stuff Oreo is just a diet Oreo.

The last month, I have had a hard time with getting back into the grove of things with running. It seems to me that I am consistently having a slow month in March. Maybe it’s my subconscious telling me to take a breather for my anniversary. Liking going into hibernation for the Ides of March. For two weeks, on each side of it. Give or take a few days. I managed to get through David Goggins 4x4x48 at the beginning of the month, and then my body took a lot longer to recover than I thought it would. And then I got sick, well, a head cold and that threw me off too. Or rather I got sick and then recovering was hard since it was only a few days after the challenge that I got sick. Hmmm.. I may be onto something with that… Who knew

I am slowly working back into it. I am going to be working on my training because I really enjoy it, and it’s not dreadfully hard, so maybe I can shave some time off of my miles. Today was hard to get out of bed, like usual, but I did manage to do it and get going. Last week I started off this way too, and I discovered that being prepared helped a great deal when getting ready to go run. It wasn’t a spectacular run, but, the sunrise was lovely. I am about to head upstairs and get my stuff ready for tomorrow so I am ready. I want to be better. I want to get things done, I do so much better when I have got my run in!! Like the whole day is so much better when I get up and go run. And I need to get a good night’s sleep. I am looking forward to that. I’m looking forward to starting the day right. Makes for a happier day altogether. Anyhow, for now, Peace kids~

Sundae Thoughts

This morning, I went for a long run. And it was a good distance, I can’t complain about that in any way. I think I may have to add the quarter mile to make it at least a 10k. It took me an hour and a half to complete this loop. It was hills and then more hills and then more hills and then lastly, more hills.

The run was hot. I kept thinking about running it again tomorrow morning, thinking what time would I have to leave in order to get back with enough time to stretch a little and try to get my 10 minutes of focused meditation in all before getting ready for work. I’m thinking I need to be out of the house by 4.45am in order to get the run finished and me to work on time. I think I need to make sure I’m out of the house by then. Which means a lot of things.

Coffee will have to be made already and ready for me to have after I’m done with the run. I should think my husband will have already have left the house by the time I get back. I will need to stretch a little too. And it takes me about 40 minutes to get all the way ready from the time I get into the shower and then out of the door.. And I will need my lunch stuff ready to go as well. Yeah…. I think 4.45 is when I need to leave..

Aside from these thoughts, I recently became a grandma. I love this little guy, he’s such a sweet little man. We talk and he is so cute. One night, about a week ago, his parents went on a drive to just get away from the house for an hour. We had him in our room and as we are watching him sleep, his little eyes start to flicker, like he’s in REM stage. Clearly babies dream. Now, we can argue about when does a soul enter the body and a baby become a cognitive being, however, that’s not what I want to talk about. My belief, or idea, revolves heavily on reincarnation. I feel this way from my own life experiences telling me so. My husband also believes in this line of philosophy . We watched him, dreaming and a thought came to me. What if they’re dreams are memories of the life they just left? You see them smile from time to time or their little faces get all scrunched up and they get upset. My husband said either that or it’s the download that comes from changing bodies. He said in his experience, he has come to areas that are foreign jungles and he knows that you can’t go one way because there is a ravine right there, and he’s never been there before. I still say the memories. It’s how our subconscious mind talks to us, and it does show memories. It’s how there have been many documented times of children knowing things they couldn’t have known before.

From what I have learned in the last ten year or so, is that for some reason, we tend to travel in the same karmic circles. We have reoccurring souls who we have contact with over and over again, lifetime after lifetime. Some are good and some we can do without, at least, it would seem, we could do without them. I guess one of my favorite movies that kind of follows that would be Cloud Atlas. Wow. Such a great story. We have the opportunity to be better, to do better, to be the best version of ourselves that we can be. Changing and evolving, hopefully for the better. And then the question of destiny or free will came to my mind. If it’s all part of a plan, do we really have free will, or was all in the plan to start with? Too many questions came to mind for me this morning.

I think I’m a bit sunburnt from my adventures today too. The first outing, I had my sunglasses on. The second was my shades and my hat. The third was my shades again. I am very sweaty and I am looking forward to my second shower of the day.

This goes from Show Low lake to Fools Hollow Lake.. Fun hike??

I ran out of my thyroid meds last week. Went into the office where I buy them and they were out. They won’t have them until maybe Wednesday. I am hoping that by upping my miles, I will be able to maintain and be normal until I can get back to my normal medicine and routine.

It seems that after having our eldest live with us for a few months, they are ready to move into their own place. I’m excited but I’m bummed too. I will miss the good conversation and the laughs. I will miss seeing the little ones and the extra voices all around. But, I understand wanting to have a place of your own, so I smile and enjoy them while we are all here together. I forgot a family photo recently, but, hopefully, I will be able to get one soon enough.

I feel pretty scattered writing right now. I don’t have my music on to help me concentrate and focus a bit. It’s all good though, no need to word about it right now. For the time being, I’m going to sign off, and bid you all a good night. It’s been a good day. I’m glad to be where I am. I look forward to what’s to come. Tomorrow brings a new day, a day to be better than what I was today. I am working hard on that one. ~ PeAcE~

The Voices in My Head

The last few days, I have had a hard time. With both running and life. Yay me, right? I have slacked off in running giving into the dogs’ whims of where she thinks she wants to go for a walk … And I have let her. Because to tell you the truth, I haven’t felt much like running.

I’m worn out. From running. From life. From working. I’m just tired. And I’m tired mentally more so than what I am physically. I’m tired of listening to the same conversation about the virus. I’m tired of being told that it’s a hoax. I’m tired of being nice to everyone. I have been wearing a zipper mask for the last few months. I like it. I had one man tell me he wished all women had a zipper on their mouths. I now wear it as a statement and a reminder of what NOT to do. I need to keep my mouth shut at work. I feel too differently from the people who I am around all day. And with my only seeming ally now gone and moving to be with her family, (for which I don’t blame her, I’m just bummed she’s gone, it’s hard to find good friends) and the other ally out today, I feel alone. And then the voices started. And they weren’t very nice today. They helped to make me feel worse than what I did.

It started out as an alright morning. Would have been the first morning that I would have had to wear my running lights, but I waited. And I waited and was playing on the internet. I don’t mind Instagram so much, but, the stuff that is being said on Facebook lately, makes me sick. There is so much hate and anger from so many different sources. I needed a break. I took it off my phone. For a few days at least, let my head reset and get back to normal. So, I went for a walk. Nothing too exciting about it other than I could have run it, and been done faster. I didn’t have any music or my phone with me for that matter. I admit I was a little nervous that my daily alarm to get myself in the shower was going to go off when I was out and then someone would have to run upstairs to turn it off. I made it in time. I got my coffee. I went upstairs and started to get ready.

I didn’t listen to music the whole time I was getting ready. And once I got in the car, it was whatever came on from my phone. But here’s the thing that made it even more fun for those voices of self-doubt. I was walking down the stairs, about to gather my stuff to leave and my wrist vibrates. It’s a phone call from Snapchat from my sisters. Not just one of them, two of them. And as we briefly spoke, the call went weird and dropped my younger sister. I talked to my older sister for a whole of 42 more seconds and then we hung up, she to go get clean and me to get to work. And then the thoughts started running through my head, like why would my sisters call me… and that’s when it hit me, why would my sisters call me? I’m not a mean person and I don’t hate my family, I’m usually pretty forgiving of all things when it comes to my family, but, that question still persisted. Why would they call me? I haven’t had any of mysisters call me in months. None of them, for at least four months. I get calls from my parents more regularly, but never, ever my sisters. And I have three of them. If we talk, it’s because I have made the phone call… (Ok, that’s not all true. Sister called me about two months ago.) It made me so mad to think about that in such a manner. So much so that I was in tears, trying to calm down before I was less than 10 minutes into my drive to work. And that’s about the time the voices really started in on me. And I started to think about all the areas of my life that I have failed or not been good at, and I felt like the world was falling on me. Why would I stay in a job I am miserable doing? Why don’t I have the desire and drive to change things like I want to show everyone? Why am I not good enough? Why am I not going to ever achieve my goals? Why can’t I be better than what I am? Mind you I’m still driving at this point. And not too far from where I started. What comes to mind at this point is, I’m on time for work, I really don’t want to have to stop and take a moment. I don’t want to have to try to make myself look presentable enough to where I can walk into work, and not worry about anyone asking have you been crying? I sat and focused my mind on the music. It’s what I like to call my worship music. It’s what I meditate to, it’s what I make love. It’s my form of worship, and I love it. A friend from long ago made it for me when we were in massage school. She named it Peyote Lullaby. It’s one of my most treasured gifts because it was music. It calmed me down. And I thought of my lover (my husband). He is my rock and I’m grateful for him and what he brings to my life.

I made it to work alright. On time. Yay, doing good today. I managed to silence the voices for a bit to get to work. I managed to stop asking myself questions that are self-destructive, though, I decided it might be a day for taking meds to help calm me down. So I did.

Work poses its own unique set of challenges on a daily basis. The conversation is still the same, every day, day in and day out. Aren’t you tired of this of stuff? Don’t you hate wearing a mask? Yes. To both of those questions, but, it’s not about what I want or like, it’s about what’s best for the common good of all people. My face is breaking out from wearing the mas. It’s not like it’s something that I love. However, I do have a collection of masks so it’s not so bad.

I have a zipper on the mask I have been wearing. For the second time today, I was told by a man that they wished women would have a real zipper over our mouths. The first gentleman told me specifically, that I should have a zipper on my mouth. The first time a comment was made today, I laughed as all I can think is, I will not stand for criminal abuse. But I feel like I have to just take the abuse from customers and move on because, well, they were just being funny, right? The good thing is I haven’t been told to smile in about 5 months, so there is that. And that wasn’t even the catalyst of it all. I got to hear from a younger man about how there is no glass ceiling for women in banking, men only make it to the top twice as fast because they have the drive and desire to get further than their female counterparts. Women put their families first more often than what men do so they only go so far. And I can see that as being a logical thing……. In a man’s mind.

Maybe I’m too sensitive about it all. Maybe I need to not be so uptight about it all. And then again, maybe not. For today, I will keep my happy face on and pretend that it’s all ok and that things are just as peachy as I wish they could be. But on the inside, for today, I’m spent. Perhaps I will run when I get home and blow off the steam of the day, but, you know, that could always prove to be problematic due to the fact that I’m a woman, and that in and of itself seems like a good enough reason to run other women over with vehicles.

I tell my husband being a woman is like being a 4 sided bladed sword. No matter how you touch it, you get cut. Dammed if I do, dammed if I don’t. What to do, what to do…

I feel like I don’t write much anymore. Like my thoughts aren’t welcomed by anyone. I feel like my thoughts are ignored and talked over. I feel like my thoughts and ideas have no merit or worth because I’m talked over so often. Mansplained over most areas in my life. I feel like I write for myself only since it seems no one else reads it. I admit it’s been quite a long time since I have written anything. And staring at a computer all day long doesn’t really inspire me to sit on the computer at home, but, it seems I need to. For myself at least. ~PeAcE~

Getting Through the Sickness

Admitting that I have been sick is a hard one for me. Not because I have something dreadful and contagious, I just don’t like getting sick. And coming back after being sick is hard. I always feel like I’m going to be so out of shape if I have had to skip so many days of not working out. I can’t say that isn’t a true statement at this point either.

When I came back from my races in January, I was sick. I was the day I ran my 5k and then I was sick for a few days following, including the day that I went into work knowing I was going to leave as soon as I could once I got there, because I didn’t want to call out after being out for 5 days, 3 days were the weekend though. I needed them to know I was sick. It was hard coming back from that. I had only a few weeks to really get over it so I could do the marathon. I thought I was good enough when I ran that, but, in hindsight, I probably could have skipped it and been just as well.

I tried to do a different workout last week after finally feeling a little recovered from the marathon, and to be honest, I didn’t realize it would take my body as long as it did to recover enough to feel like I want to run again. I laugh because I knew that one was going to be the first, which totally implies that there will many more.. and there will be. And I have an idea and a baseline so there is that going for me.

This past week, the last week of the month, I was feeling puny on Friday and then by Monday, it was full blown sick. Again. Not as bad as last month, but, I wasn’t happy about it. I have been slacking. And truth be told, I have been using this whole recovery period as a way to not eat the way I know I need to, though, I have successfully avoided my favorite place to eat at lunch for a while now. I am pretty proud of that. Too bad they don’t have a gluten free crust!!

I wanted to run again. I miss this. I miss the early mornings when I am on the streets with the dog and it’s just us, making our way down the road. Getting to see the animals all around and the cars that go by so early in the morning. I am thinking I am now on the mend enough that I am feeling back to being able to get up and go run. That’s been the pisser of it all. I haven’t felt rested enough to get up early and go run. And what’s really going to cook your noodle is realizing that I told our team captain of the Sue’s Crew walk that the bank is a part of that I would do that again this year, two weeks before I am going to do the half relay with my sister again. Yay for helping out a good cause.. Walking for a full 30 miles. I know now sunscreen, and have an extra pair of shoes and socks and I will be golden.

So yesterday, was the first official run I have been on with the dog since before the marathon. It wasn’t a very long run, I was supposed to go the Valley after that, but, it was nice to be outside with the road under my feet. We went to the lake, took some cool photos, and then I decided that we are not going to try wade through the spillway, so we turned around and only did a short loop around the neighborhood. And while I wanted to run a lot more than what we did, I had to remember that this is the first time in a long time that I have taken the dog out, so with that in mind, I did let her sniff the leaves and pee every 60 feet along the road.. no worries, I pick up the dog poo, I’m not an asshole. I was glad to be outside.

Last night, my sister and I were able to take a walk so I could finish getting all of my steps for the day. I was glad for the walk. I enjoy our time together. I was able to get all of my steps. And then today, I got a little walk in with Vanessa, so I feel like it’s the start of me coming back to the year. I am working on things and I feel like good things are on the horizon.

Anyhow, it’s time for me to get some dinner and then I have some work to do with drawings and stuff. Until then, happy weekend.