I’ve Been Meaning to Write| Part II

So, this is now the second installment of I’ve been meaning to write. If you recall, the first one was last year around this time. I was describing how I recently had my brother-in-law pass. Then, 6 weeks later, his sister died as well. But, I hadn’t talked to him in a really long time. And I had been meaning to write, I just hadn’t. The same was true about Bill when he passed in March of last year. The same was true when David Wayne died. And the same was true of Ed when he passed two years before. I had been meaning to write to say hello and that I thought of them, and hoped that they were well, and life was happy. That’s all I wish for my friends, I want them to be happy. But life happens and days turn into weeks into months into years and before I knew it they were gone. I couldn’t say anything to them any more. Anyhow, you get the idea.

In doing massage for the years I did, I was able to meet many people who have come and gone in my life. I have loved them as friends.. and when I say friends, I mean like the ones that you love and want to keep company with them when they are sad, and make hot cocoa for when their soul needs love.. Sometimes it’s ok to add some amaretto if you like. Or other spirits if you and they are so inclined. I have been able to spend a lot of time with them and it was my great honor to get to be apart of their lives. I hoped that they all knew how much I have valued them all.

One in particular was Ms. Sharon. She was older than me, in her 70’s when I met her 8 or 9 years ago. I think it could be longer than that actually, more like 12 years ago… Oh my. Anyhow, I would still see her after I started working at the bank, and I only stopped seeing her in the last two and half years. I would say about 6 months after I began working at the VA, I got a message from my friend that I worked with at the bank, that asked me to call Ms. Sharon. I kept thinking about calling her after it was time to go to bed, always around 9 pm. In my own opinion, it’s rude to call after certain times and before certain times, 9 at night and 8 in the morning. Or I would think about it when it was Sunday around 11 am. When she was in church. And then a few weeks went by and I started to feel bad that I hadn’t called her and then weeks turned into years. I really adored her. I got a message Saturday from her son that she had passed that week. In so many ways, she was an amazing friend. And I hadn’t called. But I really did mean to call her. For a long time I felt like I could say she was one of my best friends. I listened a lot to her talk about her kids and her life and her job and things that made her angry and how much she loved her kids and grandkids. She was a joy to me. I often thought of asking for her mailing address so I could write letters, and I never did.

In recent years, I have lost friends and I’m hurt that they ghosted me. And I did just that to a woman I loved a great deal. I thought how much I have wondered why they wouldn’t call when I couldn’t do the same for her. And I did it to all of those who I lost in recent years, including my grandmother, whose been gone nearly four years now. I have the power to do things and I spend my time sitting on my phone, not doing anything worth writing about.

And that is the point I guess. I have wasted so much time just doing nothing. And what’s really funny, if I think about it, I could have done so much with that wasted time. Oh the what if’s. All of the should have’s. I should have said something. I should have taken action and done something. A call, a letter, a word of encouragement that I should have been given. So many of those should haves. And not nearly enough of the calls to them to say hello. In moments like this, I like to think of what runners like to say. You only regret the miles you didn’t run. You only regret the things you didn’t say to them when they were alive. The I love you for being you. I’m so grateful for your friendship. I have learned so much from you. I think that I have a good many people that I need to say that to now.

I want a new care bear. I still have Friendship Bear

For the ones that have passed, there is nothing I can do for them. I can write letters to them that will never go any further than the fire that they are burned in. I can talk to them in my dreams if I’m lucky. I can talk to them while I run, but it’s never going to be good enough. I am certainly going think about all the things that will now always remain unsaid. Hopefully I won’t be making the same mistake with the other people in my life that mean anything to me.

The next day is never promised to any of us. It’s all just a guessing game of when it’s time to be done. Unless you have been given some kind of date of death, we are all just left guessing is this the day that I will leave and have a celestial passing. And at that point no one knows what the other side will be like. There is only the sadness from our regret of the things left unsaid and the times that we could have done something and should have, and didn’t.

I am not the artist. I don’t know who it is but it’s pretty

I will miss Ms. Sharon something fierce. She was such an astonishing woman. She was beautiful and survived a lot of things in life. She was a bit abrasive when you didn’t know her, but she was kind and thoughtful and generous. She loved her family so very much and was so proud of all of her kids and grandkids. I am so sad that I will never again be able to hear her voice and talk to her. I won’t be able to hug her. Maybe this year I can do something worthy of those who have passed to honor them by making sure that the people that I care about know that I do. I will have to figure out a plan on it, but I think this is a good place start for the year. For it is the year of the Dragon. The Wood Dragon in fact. I looked it up and as a Goat in that particular sign, it’s looking like it could be a rough go. I will just have to work my ass off… In fact it said that I will need to work harder this year than last too. And that there will be some ups and downs, and some good and some bad, but fear not, good things on the horizon. Also discovered that my husband and I are not compatible signs. Said that we will just need to work a little harder at it than other signs that may be together. Oh what a ride. … 😳🫣😎😎😎🤩🤩🤩

Which brings me to my last point, dear reader. I hope that your year didn’t start off with messages like that. It’s never fun beginning the year with a funeral. I hope that if you do lose loved ones this year, and really for all years, I hope that you were able to say I love you. For all of the lonely veterans that I talk to, for all of the lonely people I have talked to, I am truly sorry for my behavior. I knew that a call would always be something nice and I didn’t do it. I am going to work on doing better, I hope that you will learn from my mistakes, and tell the people that mean something to you that they do. We could all use more love in our lives. 💕❤️❤️

Anyhow, that’s all for today. I was given the idea of doing a podcast. My friend Sara said that I should do it. I have looked it up, and the equipment is where I’m not so sure where to begin. Well, that I’m not so great with editing. What would I talk about, who would I interview if at all? I was thinking about a mashup kind of thing. Maybe do something like a writing prompt i.e. what was you fondest memory of your childhood best friend and go with that.. Hmmm.. well, here I go with that one. Another idea. I still need to revise the book again and then get it out to people. Oh to publish.. What a dream come true that would be! To be heard by people who want to hear my opinion on whatever and listen to cool music. You never know what kind of a mood I’m in. Could do a once a week kind of thing.. hmmm… lots of thoughts on it.. Not much action on it so who knows. Action. That’s the name for this year. Action and actually do it. I think it’s time to stop half passing my life and put effort into the things I do. Might be a good idea. Let’s start putting ourselves into our work and working hard at it and putting effort into it. Not going through the motions to get by until tomorrow. It’s time… Good night 😎

New Adventures In Writing

I have been wanting to write so much lately and when I think about it, and I get my computer out, there is nothing that I can think of to say. I love writing and going through my last few posts, the very sparatic writing that I have been doing in the last year, and I really like the idea of taking an idea and go with it. Much like I did in 4th grade and in 8th grade, or was it 7th grade??? Must have been 8th grade. I have looked at some writing prompts and been trying to decide if any of these ideas would be something that I would like to write about. I miss those kind of assignments. So I have found one that I wanted to take a stab at tonight. The prompt: What advice would you give your younger self?

Now for this I have to assume my younger self would be someone around the age of my daughter, 17 or so. Now to paint the picture of my life at that time. 17 was a fun year. The summer before I turned 17, I had been grounded and it was for a while and I got a job to have something to do. This was when being grounded meant that I couldn’t watch TV, or take or make phone calls, or go play. Most of the time I would have my skates and tiny stereo taken away as well. That was the most horrible toruture that I could ever get. I hated it. With this time that I was in trouble, I had a driver’s license, but I had my keys taken away. There was a guy that worked where I worked that I really liked. Oh my gosh!! I was so obsessed with him, it was, likely, borderline stalker kind of shit. I’m sorry. It’s true. I was so head over heels infatuated with him. I didn’t care about school like I had before. I wasn’t in band anymore and that was a hard hand to be dealt. Not only was I not in band for the first time in 7 years, I wasn’t as interested in school like I had been. Work was taking up a lot more time that I wanted it to and when I got paid, it was gone way faster than I thought it would be. I hated that. I wasn’t exactly the happiest teenager either. With not being in band, I had lost some of the friends that I was used to. I was more lost than I had been the year before. Not only was I working and band was gone, I started working Sunday’s more and more and that meant the friends I had that we went to church together, I no longer had that support system either. I started making work friends, but I missed my other friends. I missed band more than I can say. I missed being a part of that group and I missed performing and the games, and I missed doing track and speech and debate. I didn’t miss one person who liked to be as mean as she could be to me. She wasn’t nice, she was a shit-talker and while I hate her with a burning flaming passion for being a complete cunt of a human being, I still wouldn’t wish divorce on her.

As you can see, I wasn’t the happiest person. I longed for a bus to hit me to get me out of my life. My home life, other than being grounded, wasn’t bad at all. I got a long with my parents, and my little sister. I had my own room, a big deal for someone who shared rooms for many long years, and in it was a walk thru closet and a full size bathroom. I love the window in the shower that would give so much light!! My room was big enough that I could fit (after many years of being gone), a king size bed, a dresser and nightstand, a bookshelf, an oversized chair and ottoman and a small entertainment center with movies and a TV. At the time, I had a double sized bed, a couch and coffee table and my double desk/dresser and a lot of wasted space. I think everyone should have a room that size growing up, and as an adult. It’s a nice thing to have that much room. I love having a sitting space in my room to just chill. And then for a while I had a twin size bed in there as well. It’s my room. I love it still.

Another younger self. With my Princess and David.

As an unhappy person, who was on the brink of a really bad depression, I had heard my mom tell me over and over that life is a self-fulfilling prophecy. What you put out in the world, is exactly what you’re going to get out of it. I thought she was just blowing smoke up my ass. Wow, it’s weird when you come to the realization that if you only listened.. So much heartache could have been prevented. But my own advice would be much different.

I would start by saying that it’s going to be ok and just relax. Things are over the top and every thing feels like the end of the world, and it’s not. You’re going to be a lot better than you know. Don’t fret about your weight. It’s because you’re allergic to the things that you love the most; eggs and cows milk. If you want to lose weight, stop eating that shit forever!! Take your health seriously. Don’t do too much stupid shit. Health starts with your mouth, take better care of your teeth. Having cavities is still no fun. Realize that there are more than 5 billion (at that time of course) people on the world. There is no doubt that there will be more than only one person to love you. Don’t be so eager and desperate for love. When you stop trying so hard, it comes so much easier. This can be true for change. Don’t fight it so hard. Change can be scary, but it doesn’t mean it’s bad. Have more courage to stand up for yourself. Stop allowing others to walk all over you. You are not a doormat. You have more talents than you know. Pick one and really put effort into it. Dedicate yourself to this passion. And if you’re not obsessed with it, do something else. Don’t be so closed minded about what kind of experiences you want to have. You never know what kind of fun you may have if you allow yourself. Let go of hating your body. The minute you start to love it, the more fun you can have with it. You can enjoy yourself in ways that are not yet known to you. Be patient. It’ll happen. You know that feeling you get when you had a really good workout in track, and you’re breathless and feeling amazing? Keep running. I know that running further than a half mile seems like a marathon to you, but you can do it. You can run and it’s going to feel so good. You can’t even know how much it will change your life. All for the better too. What you think is just a fun way to get out of class again, will give you a sense of freedom of mind that will unlock your potential in ways that give you a sense of peace and pride. You will go through all sorts of things in you head and it will all come together and you will work it out. Your legs will look amazing and when you train like an athlete, you start to treat you body like an athlete and that is what you want to do. You want to give yourself that kind of care. Please please please, stretch. Warm up before you run for a few minutes and stretch. Get involved in yoga and never stop. You can do the splits and not hurt yourself. And if you don’t listen to anything I have said (which I know that I would let it go in one ear and out the other), please, remember the running and stretching. Trust me.

I am hoping to be doing this more. The prompts I mean. Hopefully, dear reader, you too will take this advice and take it to heart. Running and stretching are by far my most important. I don’t want to change the past to make a better future. I love my life. I love being able to run in the mornings and work out. I love doing my morning walks with my little goose. I love waking up next to this man of mine. I wouldn’t want to change a single thing. It would mean a change in the current outcome. I like where I am right now. I’m striving to be better and get better but as it is, I’m pretty stoked about it. Any deviation from what I have done, would mean that I wouldn’t be here. I love my kids and my grandkids, and I love my husband. But maybe this would have made me feel a little better about life in general.

Ok, well, it’s now time to come to a close. Good night, dear reader. Here’s hoping for you have a great run tomorrow 😎

What’s on your mind?

There has been so much going on in my head that it would seem like it would take me a thousand days to get it all down. It’s strange really, I compose an entry almost daily and yet, I never seem to pick up the computer and put it in black and white. I wonder if there is a product that can read my mind when I ask it to and put it in writing… did you ever see the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? Jim Carey, Kate Winslet, Elijah Wood all play a part in this film where a woman is trying to erase the memory of a person. And every time they find a new memory of said person, they don’t seem to want to let go of each other.. He then does the same and they meet again on a bus, and start over with each other… Which makes me think of the movie What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams and today is actually the nine year anniversary of his death. Each year since then, most especially in the last two or three years, I have shed tears over it and I wondered why. Why did this one person’s death have such a profound effect on me? I didn’t know him. It’s not like we traveled in the same circles but why does it do this? I have never shed a tear for any other entertainer. I have been bummed that we lose amazing talent year after year as we all get another year older, but I am not overly tearful when it has happened to other people that I enjoyed watching their films. I digress.. What Dreams May Come was a gut wrenching film that had me in tears five minutes into it. I had to stop it to take out my contacts it was that bad.. Anyhow, a man loses his two children in a car collision. He and his wife are grief-stricken. He then dies in a a car collision or something and goes to this amazing place. Not really heaven but something amazing and wonderful. It’s an afterlife place of sorts. The other side if you will. He then learns that at some point, his wife commits suicide. He is determined to find her and bring her back from a place of no peace, of no happiness, nothing but dark and lonely forever… Well not entirely dark, think of a rainy day in the afternoon. When it’s nearly 1600 in the afternoon and it’s not the summer but not the fall yet so it’s a tiny bit chilly outside. And it’s bleak outside and it’s going to have you in tears so quickly. Grab a box of tissues for that one. But it’s so worth it. And you know how there seems to be a lot of movies that have been touching on the concept of reincarnation. I have noticed a few Disney movies that have given some interesting ideas on souls and where do they come from. What a thought though. Reincarnation. I have a feeling we find the same souls over and over again. I have had a few times where I have met someone and I know that I know them. But I don’t know where. I feel like that’s a moment in life when you find a soul you knew before somehow and the connection is fuzzy but slight enough to throw you off your rocker. Or to have flashbacks from a different life of the two of you in another time and place, as fighters not lovers. It’s such a wild ride to meet people like that. I’ve met a few people like that. I knew them at a different time. I have been thinking about the Navy a lot lately. Could be because reading/ listening to three different books about being a sailor?? I wonder?? First, I’m listening to a book by Admiral McRaven, narrated by Admiral McRaven called Sea Stories.. Wonder what he’s talking about. The next one I’m reading at lunch time at my desk is called It’s Your Ship by Captain D. Michael Abrashoff about leadership and what it means to be a good leader to your people. Ethics and stuff. The third book is called Two Years Before the Mast by Richard Henry David Jr. and it’s about him embarking as a sailor on a merchant marines ship for two years in a year I can’t remember at this time and the book is upstairs next to the bed and Thomas is in bed because he doesn’t feel good so I don’t want to go up there to be around his sick germs. I hate that he doesn’t feel good though. Means I can’t play with him. And while I was just vaccinated for my booster and I will be getting my flu shot this year, like always, I don’t want to get sick. I will love him from afar right now. From the safety of the couch downstairs. I can sometimes feel the breeze coming through the window with a light mist from the drizzle of the rain and I have the sound of rain on the tv with black screen so it’s not distracting… What’s on my mind.. Or better yet, what’s not on my mind?

IF you’ve stayed with me this long dear reader, you can clearly see that my thought pattern isn’t exactly straight. Compound that with having to do work and get things done at home, work on the business and be a good parent, and work hard at my job, and try not to say stupid things at work, there is a lot on my mind and it’s a bit chaotic in there. As you can see by the date, I haven’t pulled the computer out for a while, but I did today. It’s the perfect day with Thomas not feeling good. I can listen to what I need to and concentrate on a few things that I tend to put off as often as I can.

Yesterday I sat in the swing and talked to Thomas about some of the ideas for the business. It’s always a long conversation when we sit out back and talk. We say we are going to leave and do what ever errands need to be done at 8 in the morning and by 11 we are out the door. I was thinking about how to do some of the things we want to be able to market our product using animation. About a 30 second clip and that’s going to take some time. However, as we talked about last night, if I can spend an hour every night working on this, when we need it in six months, I will be somewhat proficient in the use of whatever animation platform that works that best. So far all I have found is that Procreate is one of the bests.. and it’s only made for iPad with the Apple Pencil. Or the iPhone. My phone is not a good enough size to really do much with that. So we then talked about other options as well. I have so many things to work on with the company that I needed to take a moment and get my thoughts down on paper.. in black and white? Whatever it is.. I want this to work and so I know that I have to put in my part of it too. So that’s what I’m doing here. Unless I find a donor who wants to give me said items so that I may do what I’m thinking would be a lot of fun and will be priceless when it comes to what we are trying to convey.

And then I told him that my plan was to spend the time daily and he asked when I was going to do that since we were already looking at 7.30 or so. I told him this was our hour long meeting about where are we going with the next steps. I’m excited for this creation. I am so hopeful that someone will want to buy it or license it. It really is a game changer. Fingers crossed.

Monday now. That was from Friday. Once again I open my computer and see that my document is still open. I hit the save draft button, it saves it no problem. I finish my thoughts and then hit save and it won’t save. Ah.. but this is why I spend the money on this was to be able to copy and paste.. So I tried to open a new pages entry and I x’ed out of this page altogether before I could copy and paste it.. UGH!!

Love black and white photos of the clouds

Today’s hour was dedicated to writing and finishing this entry. I have slacked for a long time waiting until the last minute to create something that I will look at and say, you know you didn’t do your best.. You didn’t give it your all, so with practice, that’s what I’m rolling with. Finishing thoughts and journal entries.

I have been making sure to exercise daily, and with Piper home, we walk three days a week together. Since they didn’t have school today, it was Navajo Code Talker Day, we decided to walk tomorrow. And I thought I had been doing good with food choices. I have even added a weight supplement for my slow metabolism to get it all working together.. Yeah, I gained 3 stone. I am shocked and saddened by this. I will lose it again. I didn’t eat ice cream, I have gone back to eating grapefruit. Double peel it and it’s such a wonderful fruit, with a bright flavor. Also, going with tea for a while for evening drinks. No biscuits for me, just the tea. I guess bodies are made in the kitchen. We shall see. I even walk or run lots.. I love to run, though with my hip out the last week, it’s hurts quite a lot. My back is popping even now, let’s hope the hip goes with it too.

Ok.. Now I’m tired. Have to get up early for my walk with Little Goose. We leave around 5 am.. Yay! What a Feeling!! Good night~

Why oh why?

Today, I weighed myself and I am not happy with that number. But it’s not so much the number, it’s more of a how my clothes me thing. I know that I can do any number of things to help me lose the weight but, who knows what’s going to help me lose it. I’ve been stressed. And I’m not one who can go on the stress diet of coffee and nicotine and lose weight. Nope. That’s not me. I eat. And then I eat more and then I get more stressed and eat more. I was thinking about how science is now pointing to a stress hormone that allows me to produce cortisol and now I have to get my body to hit a reset button.

How do I hit a reset button. Well, I have to take a look at my eating. I’ve been on vacation the last week and so I’ve allowed myself to eat stuff I don’t usually eat. So first thing is no more chocolate syrup in my coffee 😑👎🏻. From there I know that I have been so sedentary from my torn muscle, that I haven’t even got to where I think I should be. Not even close to baseline yet!! That makes me crazy. So since I have started to work out in the afternoons with my girls, we do thirty minutes of weights/strength training and then a 30 minute walk, I have thought it best to get back to my running in the morning.

How many times must I got through this whole thing of getting my ass up and going out the door. I used to think if I had someone else to hold me accountable then I could do it. But when it’s just me holding me accountable, I have to say, I like being comfortable.

If I want change, I have to get used to being uncomfortable. I need to get up in the morning and go run and I need to be able to just do it but putting it into practice is a whole other thing. To start with, I’m really good at making excuses for why I can or can’t do something. And I’m even better at just letting myself go. And I’m pretty sure that is all it is. But there is no big prize that I get for doing it. There isn’t any motivation to do it. Here is where commitment comes in.

I am really good at being committed to my husband. I am super awesome at being committed to my family. I am pretty good at being committed to my dog. I am not very good at being committed to myself. Let me say it again. I. Am. Not. Good at. Being. Committed. To. Myself. And to get up and do it daily is a real commitment. And I have been really good at letting myself down these days. So to make this work, I have to start putting in the time and the miles daily to hit my goals. I want to be a faster runner but I have some days when I just want to be a jelly roll too.

I know what I have to do. My clothes are laid out right now. Clothes for work after my shower are there too. Everything is there. Ready. Now, are all my alarms set and ready to go? I’m pretty sure they are. Would hate to wake up 30 minutes late for work. Guess we will have to wait and see now. Fingers crossed! 🤞🏻

The Platypus

When I was young, I met one of the coolest people I have ever met. Some one who was smart and funny and he was carefree. His passing yesterday has left a hole in my heart that I am having a hard time dealing with. I can’t even imagine how much his family is grieving the loss of a husband, father, friend. A man who said his spirit animal was the Platypus, so when I came home from Australia I naturally brought one in a can home (it was a stuffed animal, not a dead animal) for him.

Let me take you back, dear reader, to a time that was a lifetime ago, when I was young and so full of energy and piss and vinegar and sass.. Wow, there was a lot of sass at that time. I may or may not have mentioned that once upon a time ago, I was in the U.S. Navy. I have been around the world three times, seen a lot of place and people, drank way more than I should have and did some seriously stupid shit before the internet and smart phones were everywhere. Thank goodness for that.

My first duty station while serving, was in Jacksonville Florida. I was in Mayport stationed aboard the U.S.S John F. Kennedy (CV-67). This is the ship I met Joey on, Piper’s dad. We got married and then moved to the other side of the country. We ended up stationed on 32nd St. Naval Base, San Diego California. I went to a C-School, a speciality school for the Cummins engine marine inline 6BTA, and then was stationed on the U.S.S Boxer (LHD-4) while Joey was stationed on the base. Forty seven days after checking in, I would be leaving on my second deployment.

I was to leave in January for the Middle East. For that Christmas, I got Joey a bass guitar. He had said he wanted to learn to play so we got one for him. I leave for deployment and when I got back, Joey had made friends with people that he worked with who he was now in a band with. They were the ones that I met first, Ed and Bill. These two, wow. They were both amazing guitar players with different styles that seemed to blend so well together. Thinking about it now is a little hard, both of them have passed, and both of them were damn young. At least in my mind they were young.

The first set up in the garage from left to right: Joey, Ed, Bill

I met Bill and his wife, Sandy along with Ed within a week of being home again. Joey was so excited for me to meet them all. Bill and Sandy were our first grown up couple friends and I was immediately impressed and loved them both. They were a few years older than Joey and I and they had kids. Like more than one kid. And I only remember having fun and laughing a lot around them all. I enjoyed getting to listen to them all play together, Joey had worked so hard at learning to play his bass. He was becoming better and better by the day. And Sandy, she is woman I will never forget. I can hear their voices in my head now as I think on it some more. Joey, Bill and Sandy were all from Louisiana, so right from the get go, they had that bond going for them. Ferris was from Louisiana as well, enlisted with Bill in fact. Best friends, brothers I would say, but he doesn’t come into the story until later.

I digress. I’m pretty sure we were at their house nearly every week for the three years we all lived there together in San Diego. There was one night that Bill and Joey and Sandy taught me how to play Texas Hold’ Em on a Friday night because we thought it would be cool to play in the tournament the following morning at the casino. I won the game that night. As in a totally complete sweeping win. I took 6th in the tournament the next day. We would go to Mexico that afternoon and go shopping. You could find the coolest stuff in TJ. One thing I wish I had gotten was one of those velvet paintings of the devil sitting on the toilet. Classic stuff there, I’m telling you! I loved doing stuff with that family so much. I loved hanging out with Sandy more than doing stuff so I really enjoyed the time that I got to spend with her while the dudes were all playing in the garage. I wasn’t really interested in the music so much, but playing the music made these guys so happy. Their souls were lit up and shinning when they played.

I feel like I’m drifting on the subject, but bear with me if you can. These vines and memories all seem to blend in and twist together in my head. I can’t talk about Bill without Sandy and Ferris and Ed. They were all family. Bill and Ferris were best friends, enlisted together after 9/11 and managed to get stationed in sunny Southern California with all of us. Ferris is Godfather to Bill’s first two kids. Ed was Godfather to his youngest, and Bill was Godfather to our Little Goose. It was the best family friendships that I have had. With all of us together, it felt like home. As I understand it now, that kind of family doesn’t happen to everyone, and it’s not as common as you would hope. For a brief moment in time, it felt like the world was our oyster because we had each other.

I want to say a few months after meeting Bill and Sandy, Joey and I had gone over to their house for whatever reason, I feel like it was a workday because Sandy wasn’t there that I can recall. We had been there only a few minutes when a guy comes out of the bathroom, with a freshly shaved head, exclaiming about how awesome the new razor was, “feel my head”… (this was in reference to the Gillette Mach 3 razor). His head was super soft and smooth. This was my first meeting of Ferris.

Ferris and Bill would talk about home a lot, they would cook together and play music together. They would laugh at silly stories between them and I loved to listen to Bill tell me about how he and Sandy met. They had such a love for one another, there was no denying that. I know Joey and I looked up to them as a couple. And yes, every couple has it’s bad days, but, I can’t ever remember either of them complaining about the other. I know that I whined a lot.

After Joey and I were out of the Navy, we spent even more time with them. Bill and Joey and Ferris had great plans to build this wonderful weed empire and become growers. We were small potatoes, nah, smaller than that compared to what growers do now. One harvest was all we would grow. But it was top shelf stuff. I liked to think that because I played them techno music they were happy plants. None of that sappy sad shit that Joey wanted to play for the plants. And just like now, all of the mother plants had names. All female names, like Henrietta, Louisa, Greta, and two more that I can’t for the life of me remember the names of. But they would have been considered to be an older style of name. It was around this time that things changed for all of us. I found out I was expecting our daughter. The house that Bill and Sandy were renting was sold and they had to leave. Ed had moved in with his girlfriend. I was making very little money and Joey was getting laid off every 89 days. Talk about a shitty thing to deal with. With all of that going on, and us (Joey and I) losing money in the weed venture, things were looking bleak for us. A week or two before we left California, I want to say in July, Bill and Sandy left for Jupiter Island, Florida. Bill was going to come out to Louisiana when I had my baby, but, due to us having to deliver her a week early, it would be the last time I saw Bill.

We would talk from time to time after moving to Louisiana. Bill and I talked a lot about Joey and all the things that went wrong. I told him a lot of things that had happened and he was a ear to listen. I know it wasn’t a cool thing to do, putting him in the middle of our problems. He was a voice a reason to us both. He was the one who told me that I had to get on this new social platform called FaceBook.

The years have crept by slowly, but they were gone in the blink of any eye. Before you know it, you get to the point where your friends start dying. Many of them are divorcing as well, starting over, thinking how do I start again at this age. I know that we will all die. There is no getting out of this alive. So hold your loved ones near. Kiss them and tell them how much they mean to you. Getting old isn’t for the faint of heart, but, it’s a true gift. A long life with lots of happy memories is the best we can ask for. Our lives are short compared to the span of time. We are not made to last forever. You never know when your last day is, so be kind to one another. Take a deep breath and let it fill your lungs. If you think about it, everyday is the first day of the rest of your life. Until it’s the last day. My heart hurts so much for my family. I wish I could come and hold your hand and weep together. I wish I could be there and say goodbye. I wish we all had more time.

Bill, I couldn’t have asked for a better friend. You were a man to look up to. I will cherish the memories of those brief years we all had together. I wouldn’t trade them for the world. Rest In Peace my friend. You were such a shinning spot in all of our lives. May the next ones give us all more time together. I will think of you every time I hear Soul Meets Body. A song you said was composed perfectly in the way the instruments blended together. I will remember you.

Until next time, dear reader, thank you for indulging me tonight. Good night~ 😓❤️💔💔

A New Thing

This afternoon, while I was preparing lunch, Little Gotro came downstairs and stated that she would eat, but she was cleaning her room. How am I to stop that? She said it just got to a point where it was just too much. FINALLY!!! She has done it. Gotten to the point where it gets so bad that you have to stop everything you thought you were going to do and clean up your mess. I had to do that yesterday too, but it was more like a whirlwind named Julia came through and needed to pick up her mess.

The last more than a couple of mornings, I have managed to get up before work and do a work out. The last two days, I have run before doing the workout and I can say that I will make sure to do the workout before the running. I have been feeling like the new dose on my meds was making me not so happy. And truth be told, I was getting upset with myself because I was allowing myself to do whatever I wanted and not do anything to help keep it balanced. Since the time I thought about this, it was a blizzard out last week. Not like some snow and shit, but a real blizzard. Complete with howling high winds and snow blowing sideways making large drifts along the sides of houses and trees. It was so snowy out that our clinic was closed for a day. The roads were frozen and the temperatures were below zero. I don’t run in those kinds of conditions. But I knew that I needed to feel better so I got myself out of bed and I went downstairs and got my DVD and went back upstairs and started to do a short 24 minute workout. I’m thinking this would have been Thursday morning. (It’s now Monday afternoon, President’s Day). Got up Thursday and Friday morning to work out. I got up Saturday, Sunday and Monday to do that workout following a two mile run. Tomorrow it will be workout and then a 2 mile run.

I thought that doing the run first would be easier for me and the dog since she doesn’t have to be in here for that. She’ll be upset in the morning when she realizes that we will be going running after workout. But, for this week, we are only working on 2 miles. The goal at this time is to be able to get to run those two miles without walking, and stopping only due to the dog having to sniff or pee or take a poo. I’m ok with stopping for that but I want my body to get back to where it was a long ish time ago.

The run itself yesterday was so nice. Slow pace but I wanted to maintain the pace throughout the entire run. I was just about a full km when I had to walk due to seeing a young family with a puppy off the leash coming towards us. Then shortly behind them was an older gentleman with a dog off the leash as well, much more well behaved than mine is. But again, I don’t run by situations like this. Too many times I have had a dog charge me and The Yolandi Dog and so we are very alert while passing other animals like that. We get closer to our turnaround and there was another dog just running in the road, doing what he wanted. So we turned around. And then getting back to our neighborhood, we saw the second gentleman again and decided to not go down that road. I hit time on the watch and get the dog inside and off of her leash to see that I have .09 to hit my two mile mark. So I take off around the parking lot. I have a new fastest mile. 15:46:12 is the new record for this watch. The watch is brand new, got it on Friday. I got a Garmin of course, this is a Vivoactive 4S I think. Yup. That’s what the box says. I like how I am already getting so used to this one.

For the run today, I found it to be a little harder than the one yesterday. Again, I am pretty sure that I really should have warmed up more before running this morning and that would have made a big difference. Hindsight being what it is, I went out this morning, and I was feeling a little more stiff than I wanted to be. I could feel the shin splints wanting to come on, it was not the funnest, and yet, I was loving every moment of it! Both of my legs were hurting evenly and you have no idea how much that made me smile. You see, dear reader, when I was first starting to run after my injury, I was only getting pain in one leg for shin splits. I didn’t want to over do it. But, I wasn’t having any of those problems in the right leg. As you can see now, I am very happy about having those in both legs. They are starting on equal ground now. Not only that, I find that when I do the squats and lunges, it feels like it’s helping to stretch that leg properly as well as help it strengthen and find that balance with the other leg. You know what would be epic, I good hard massage a long bath and about 12 hours of sleep… That would be so lovely.

My new watch also tells me what my body battery is at. Since I got it and have been wearing it, my body battery has been sitting right at 5. I had it as high as 25 this morning after finally feeling like I got a restful sleep, and now it’s sitting pretty at 9. Might have been the nap I just took as well. For my afternoon snack, I went with some cold cereal. Nothing sugar coated and I didn’t add any sugar to it either. Just some almond milk and honey nut Chex. I like how crunchy they are. I would say that I’m trying to go a little bit lighter on the sugar, so I had some protein toast fro breakfast after working out, though tomorrow, I might opt for something with a little more umf to it. I had two slices of toast, one with butter the other with butter and peanut butter. For lunch, I had some crackers at my parents house and came home directly and ate my sandwich and two pickles. From there I took a nap for an hour. For my afternoon snack, I had my bowl of cereal and now, I’m eating a small bag of gummy bears. So much for working on less sugar. I’m just so hungry right now and I had a bag of gummy bears… I am ashamed 😔 I’ll get over that, don’t worry. I might have some apples in the fridge or a cucumber. Who knows at this point. I might opt for ice cream later. I have way too many of them, might combine some for a milk shake with dinner… that might be fun 🧐😎

I am working on me because I want to. Not because I feel like I need to be someone of influence or statue, but just a lady who wants to feel her best. I am not giving up coffee though! I know that I will always carry some weight on me, and that’s ok with me. Thomas loves it as it is. My best friend doesn’t think I look bad so why should I tell myself that either. I don’t look bad. But like everything other area of my life, it could always use some improvements. I am a work in progress, forever striving to be better than the woman I was yesterday. …. there went the last gummy bear…. Oh well… They were delicious!

Good night kids~

New Year’s Resolutions: Where Are They Now?

A few days ago, I had started thinking about the goals I started the year with and how am I doing with all of them. It got me thinking a lot more seriously about goals and actually obtaining and exceeding those set goals. It started as a good week and since I was starting a different position on the 30th, I began thinking about the coming month, February, and what kind of things should I think about. It came to mind that I am great at starting things and not so great at finishing any thing that I have sought out to do. So, perhaps a different approach is warranted.

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If your first way isn’t working to do something different. I gave some thought to my current goals that I have set out to work on this year. There is the 1000 miles that I am working towards. Going into this year, I knew that I wanted to set a goal that would help get my leg back to base line and hopefully getting better all the time. I have set out to spend two hours a day doing something I love and keeping my phone out of my hands. I want to play music again and I want to do the splits, both sides and front splits. I want to progress in my violin playing and take up trumpet again and one day play with the orchestra or symphony. I want to write letters and send them again, I have so many cards, might as well see if I can get rid of all of them this year.. I have 4 boxes of stationary on my desk, it’s high time I use them.

I really just love the silhouette of this tree

This brings me to where are these goals now. I’ll address each in the same order listed above. 1000 miles is a hard goal to meet. I have done it one year, and then come with 100 miles of that a few years. I really like running a lot. I really enjoy getting out and being outdoors, feeling the wind in my face. Not doing these one and two mile runs because the dog doesn’t want to go further, I can take her back and keep going to finish where I wanted. I have been running, not as much as I want, but, I caught the Rona so I’m down for a few days. I have got nearly 50 miles in thus far and my breathing is doing ok, so I’m hoping to be able to get back out there soon. I also knew that the first two months is still before I am going to start pushing myself more. I want to get back into a good running form and stuff while I still work back to baseline. I have added a few weights before going out with squats and some other stuff but, nothing too major. I just want to hit baseline stronger than I was. I know that I have nearly impossible goals for myself, but, I know I can do it. Another aspect of running that I am doing a little differently as well, is doing the run on purpose. And what I mean by that is, focusing while I’m out. Focus on my form and work to get better. The idea is to get better. I think I will be getting back to baseline in about one to two months. And the goal for this month is to up the milage by about 30 miles total. From there, I can up the miles another 30 for the month following, to be a monthly goal of 110. I like to be an overachiever. I feel like this will work for me. Will it be hard? Yes. Will it be worth it? Again, yes.

I had this all done.. And then it went into autosaving and lost the entirety of my writing. Mother fucker!!! And I can’t copy and paste without adding on some additional charges for the webpage, so, now, I’m stuck. I will get that taken care of, because, now, I’m just irritated and the joy of writing is gone. I don’t appreciate my internet going out as often as it does at the worst times possible.

Long story short, I haven’t gotten as far as any of my goals as I wanted. I’m still working on it, but, there is a lot to do and I’m working on it. I’m so mad right now. Just mad I lost all of it.. Hold please, I’ll be right back.

4 Days Later…

Let’s try this again… And inhale compassion….. Exhale the bullshit….. When I started the year, I had thought about trying to give up having social media altogether. I was good for about two weeks. So, it’s now the first full week of February. Then I saw a goal of spending two hours a day to something I wanted to do, something that I loved. I have managed to get some sewing done. I have spent a lot of time in the last week on my phone, but, now that I’m back to work, I don’t spend a whole lot of time on it durning the day. I have been writing. I have loved writing. Or it could be that I love listening to my writing playlist 🧐. I have written letters, and I have been reading. Like reading an actual book. This month my sisters and mom are reading Fight Like A Girl by Kate Germano with Kelly Kennedy. It’s a good book, but, after working in the Auxiliary Division in Engineering on two different ships, being the only female on my second ship for a while, I understand all too well what she is talking about. It boils my blood to know that it’s not just me, and I hate that it continues. I need to bring it back… Breathe…. I spent one evening researching how to self publish my book. I think I can do it, but, I have no idea how many to order. Can you, dear reader, give me some feedback: Would you be interested in a book about what to do when someone dies? Like go read the letter in my desk when I’m gone kind of thing. It a workbook that you get to fill in the blanks. It’s designed for those who don’t have a ton of money to shell out for a trust or have a will drawn up. You can write your own obituary even. But there is a ton of stuff to know that many don’t think about. Please, do me a kindness and let me know what you think about it.

Another fun one on the goal list of the year, doing the splits. That would require that I get my head out of my ass and do the stretches daily. Somehow I have yet to be able to do that this month. I have done some stretches last month, I don’t know if I logged them as such, but, I did do a lot more stretching than I have done since I first started. Some of the stretches are hard and it may take a while for me to be able to do this. I still want to try and do it. I know I can, it’s just a matter of doing it. What is so hard about stretching that makes me dread it so? Is it because I know that it will help my range of motion and allow me to maintain and increase both flexibility and stamina while running? Is it because I know that it takes time and I want to have results in three days? I wonder if it’s because the journey down will take to me to a new realm of thinking and change will happen? What kind of change would it bring? Good change or bad change, it does not matter for me, I am terrified of change. I don’t have a good answer as to why. I trust things will always work out, and they do. So many questions to ask myself…. Am I really scared of success??? Everything I want is on the other side of fear. I have to let go of fears and relax. It’s going to work out better than I can dream…

I want to play music again. I have always loved how music feels. Classical music is by far one of my more favorites due to the richness of the instruments. So many of them intertwined with one another. They tell such a story, it makes my heart feel so much. I have a violin. I took some lessons a few years ago. It’s chilling in the cabinet right now. I have sheet music for my shiny new trumpet, that silver beauty that shines like glitter in the sunlight.. Actually, it’s more like a mirror and will blind you if aimed just right. That trumpet is living under my bed right now. My music stand in the corner, just waiting to be pulled out and set up and used. I’m sure both of my instruments at this point are more of a novelty, but everything in me says that I need to pick them both up and use them. It’s what they are there for. As for being able to play with an ensemble, that, I don’t know. I would like to think that it would be such a fun challenge. I would actually have to practice and I don’t want to let others down when it comes to that kind of thing, I’m not ready….. Let’s just see how it goes for the next month. I would like to log at least a few hours of practice for both of them. Five would be a good goal I think. A doable goal that I can reach. Let’s see shall we.

At home this week with the Rona with the family

The last one listed is writing more letters and sending them. I wasn’t lying when I said that I have 4 boxes of cards to send. Most of them are blank inside, but, if they have writing in them, I just cross it out and keep writing. I have managed to get a few letters/cards out in the mail. I am hoping to get some more done this week. It’s not that I don’t like mailing things, I just don’t always do what I know I should. Remember I’ve Been Meaning To Write… Yeah, I have been writing. I am using my new cards right now. They are getting all sorts of stamps. One box, I think it’s the succulent ones, I already put stamps on them, so now I feel like I really should use those. I like my handwriting, and it’s nice to get a letter in the mail. I have been using my postcards as well, sending those to my niece. She’s so darn cute, only 5.. Adorable little girl. I am looking forward to checking in on my goals in a month.

There are other little things that I would like to do, like color my giant turtle poster. I have new crayons and I never share them, I thought I might as well use them. And coloring is fun. There have been days when the three of us would sit on our bed and color for the evening while listening to cool tunes, enjoying the time together. I do like when we spend our time together. We have been watching Game of Thrones again. Love that show ❤️ Thomas is actually upstairs watching the last two episodes of season two. The Battle of the Blackwater and another one, I don’t remember what it was. I feel like there is so much of that show that I have missed since I haven’t seen all of the episodes and if I have, it was nearly a decade ago that I watched season one and two. I really loved the Red Witch. She was so unlikeable. I thought she was beautiful. Scary as can be and beautiful. Anyhow, the point is that I am trying to spend time with the family more and be present when I am. I am a work in progress, for sure. I have a few projects that I want to work on as well and I will work on those this week. They require a lot of patience and I’m not there today. I think I will be tomorrow. (You guessed it, hats and my video for our company.)

Tomorrow will be a run day. Time to get going on the pavement again. I do love being outside in the weather, I really dislike being in the wind though. Today was a very windy day. I wouldn’t call it blustery, those days have a certain feel to them and I didn’t get that feeling so, not a blustery day, but windy. Soon it will be wind season and I will have no choice. Perhaps I should make myself a headband to keep my ears warm, but let my head breathe 🧐Another project to add to the many.. Ugh!!

Goodnight kids, sleep well, peace ~

Another Failed Attempt

Well, you guessed it dear reader, today was another failed attempt to run around the lake today for my loop of 4.45 miles. I thought it was going to be a great run, I had looked forward to it all day. Planned my eating around it and everything and yet, it didn’t happen like I thought it would. What went wrong?

If I’m being honest with myself, I supposed I would have to say that it began to go wrong yesterday when the muscle was over stretched and is still sore from it today. Most likely caused from doing back to back runs, one evening and the following morning, in the snow and ice with my Yak-Trax’s on. I wouldn’t have been able to run at all without them those two days. They tend to mess with the knees, but I can feel it in the muscle today. I tried to rub it out and stretch it so it didn’t hurt and the result is just feeling angry with myself for not listening to my body when I should have. And the worst part about it is I was starting to feel like I was making progress with recovery. Stupid snow!! And while the weeks have certainly flown past these last five months, I am ready to put myself in a position to start to push myself to do better.

The last two runs that I did get in, except for today, I have made sure to put more effort into the run. I have always relied on just doing my own thing and never pushing myself to get better. I don’t try super hard and once in a while I actually try and then blow my mind. I haven’t worked on this aspect of running, trying to do better, since Vanessa stopped running with me. And this isn’t to blame her in any way, but, I admit I was glad to have some one pushing me to go harder and keep going longer. You can do it, kind of a cheerleader.

I have gotten complacent in my running. I am still trying to convince myself that I work hard when I go out, but, I don’t. I allow the dog to stop and sniff a lot of times. I also walk a lot more than I used to. I have a few goals within my goals for running this year. I want to get better and run for longer distances. I want to run a 10k without walking. That’s one goal for the year. I know I have it in me, I’ve done it before, but, I usually stop running about mile 5. I have been able to run 5 miles in an hour before as well. So, there you have two good goals for the year.

But it’s not just my running that I have been complacent in. Work is a totally different thing for my brain. That’s where the money comes from so I don’t like to feel that way at work at all. But, I’m talking about life. In doing things and completing tasks once in a while. I can say that I’m pretty good at a good number of things, but, I don’t really apply myself to anything except for work. I have so many goals and I often wonder if I will ever hit a goal. I want to play my trumpet and I want to be in the local symphony. I want to finish the paint by numbers I’ve had since 2006. I want to publish my book. I want to do the splits. I want to learn and teach yoga. I want to do massage again. I want to learn to play the violin I bought 5 years ago. With all of these things that I want to do, it seems that being able to put my phone down for any length of time would be a good thing. I have done pretty good with my two hour rule that I have tried to stick with. Must put the phone down for two hours and do something that makes my heart happy. This last week, I have loved sitting on the couch and watching a movie with the family.

I need to have a running partner. I wish my husband would run with me, but, I already run when he’s walking so I don’t know if that’s going to be a thing. He’s already said no. He’s done running for the fun of it. At least a group setting would get me going in the right direction. I loved having Kelsie with me, she was good at pushing me to do better though I could have done a lot better 90% of the time. However, Kelsie has moved away from me so we aren’t as close now. I wish I could get Piper to go with me. But more than just go with me, maybe have fun with it and enjoy it enough that we could do it a lot. Sara would run with me, but she lives in Snowflake which does put a damper on this for us. I thought Hanna would, but, that’s not the case now either. I think I’m out of ideas for people to run with.

Another storm is looming on the horizon. It began as a beautiful sunny bright clear day and now the clouds have moved back in and the sky is getting darker gray by the hour. The school district has already delayed the start of school tomorrow for 2 hours to get things cleared for school tomorrow. I won’t have a snow day, but, that’s ok. Not going to go run it either though, so it looks like it’s going to be a weights kind of day instead.

For today’s run, I set out to do the loop. I wanted to go my 4.5 miles and get that feeling going. What actually happened was I got about .75 miles into and the running was making my leg feel like the muscle behind the knee was popping, like my joint would. We turned around at about mile 1.1 and tried to run more and ended up walking home instead. I figured that since I was going to walk with Vanessa, it’s not going to be a totally wasted run. So, I went home. I wouldn’t say that today was a failure. Perhaps I can call it a failed attempt to do all of the miles, but, the attempt was made and miles were done. So, not a failure, it was just much shorter than planned. A change of plans.

I’ve Been Meaning To Write…

Normally, I would make this about writing here for you, dear reader however, that’s not the case today. For the last few days and weeks, I’ve been thinking about my older sister and how I need to send her a letter, since I didn’t have her number anymore and she hadn’t sent me anything stating that she changed her number. It was a first for me. I knew she changed her number when I text her about a month, two months ago and the text message color went green (we all have iPhones). I have looked at my desk repeatedly seeing the stack of stationary that I haven’t touched in more than a year, and say to myself, you need to write to your sister. And everyday I found another excuse to put it off. I have gone so far as to check the obituaries in her local newspaper and with great relief she’s not there. Not a peep that I can find. She left social media and didn’t want to be contacted. I miss her. She has the amazing smile and laugh. And she’s beautiful.

No, she didn’t die. Last night I got a phone call from my mom telling me that, said sisters’ husband was found dead that morning. His 49th birthday. They have no clue how to get in touch with her. So, they – my parents – call the local police station in her hometown, give the address and have them do a welfare check. She was able to call my dad, but she was in so much pain they had to call an ambulance to take her to the hospital. This was in the span of about an hour.

Little sister, Jeff, oldest sister, my mom

Once again I had to tell my daughter of another person she knew had passed. Those conversations hurt so much. And there is no nice way to tell her this. No easy way to say it and give her any sense of peace. She was little when they moved across the country, it was in 2014 if I’m not mistaken.. I could be, but that would make her, 8. Such a cute sweet thing. She is still cute and sweet, she’s just older. And since she was 11 I’ve had to tell her of all the deaths in her life. Twice this year. I think growing up I had a year with 4, but I can only recall 3, so who knows.

All this time, it’s going through my head, I’ve been meaning to write. I have been meaning to write, and I have no excuse that I can give you other than I just didn’t do it. Made me think that old saying the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

My sister and her husband were still married as well, though they have been apart for more than two years. I hadn’t seen him since June of last year. I used to message him every once in a while and again, I just haven’t done it lately. They had been together since 1997? 1998? I remember first seeing a photo of him and baby Mason. He had pink hair. When I joined the Navy, I couldn’t get my tongue ring out and there is another photo of him using pliers to unscrew the ball so I wasn’t sent back from boot camp. They went through a lot together. He’s been there my entire adult life. I used to call him brother and not by his name. And he was a smart guy. Before I got out of the navy, I talked to them both on the phone at great lengths. And the time they visited me in California, we went to Mexico and got one of those old time photos together. I had just got my 2005 mustang. Like the day before. Had less than 200 miles on it. And it was a fast car.

I didn’t cry at first last night. In fact I didn’t really cry at all, I was more in shock than anything else. This morning I began crying. I told my boss this morning when I got in about it so he was aware of it. I came home early. As soon as I crawled back in bed with my husband, I began to cry. At this time, I don’t know any more than what I have shared. She is still his next of kin and that’s all that I do know. I really do miss her. I will be writing to her. 😔😭

UPDATE:

It’s now been about 3 weeks since Jeff passed. Today in Prescott, his best friend is doing a celebration of life. I didn’t go. I will be in March when they have the one with the family. I will get to meet my nephews as men and my nieces as women. Young, but adults. I will get to see Mason again. He has his moms smile. She has a great smile.

UPDATE TWO:

It’s been just over two months. I still find myself looking at his photo in Snapchat and thinking about how much it hurt to stop talking to him and cut him out completely because I had been made to feel guilty of having a friendship with my sister’s ex. He was a good guy.

Are You Running?

About two or three weeks ago, I read on RunnersWorld on Instagram a story about a woman who had done a marathon and documented it but she had never done any race ever and she was overweight and she walked the whole thing. I liked the story because I like to see the good in the world and see that people are able to do amazing things when they commit to it. Will she do another race? Will this be her thing? I wanted her to proud of herself as I myself have been able to do (not all of the time, but I have felt so good that I felt like my insides were going to burst from the light that wanted to get out. Like a statue breaking from within, that ever elusive runner’s high. That’s amazing!) and I wanted that for her.

Since I have taken up running long distance running, I have found an amazing group of people who cheer you on and inspire you to be better and work harder. I had yet to see anyone be nasty to another in this regards. So imagine my surprise when I looked and found that there are many who took issue with the particular article. The majority of it being, she shouldn’t be featured in this post because she didn’t run any of it. I have read this thread and oh my goodness gracious! They hated that she ate while she walked, and anyone could walk 26.2 miles was another of my favorite remarks.

Taken back doesn’t begin to adequately describe what I am feeling about this. Shocked. Hurt I think is a better word for it. I took offense to some of the comments because while I have not walked an entire marathon, I did sign up for a 30 mile walk in a day. Holy motherfucking hell!!! I would rather not ever do that again. I have to be able to run some of it for me to consider doing it. Like the first 15 miles. It seemed like it was uphill the entire way, but I can assure you, dear reader, that I have run that road and it’s uphill both ways. It was the comment that stated if you have to walk during your runs, you’re not a real runner that was particularly hurtful to me. I’m not her and I don’t know the back story any more than what was featured in this article. But it nearly took my breath away to see that in black and white.

I am not an elite runner. I never will be. I would like to do a marathon in less than 6 hours, but, that’s a lot more work than what I want to do right now. I am nursing a injured leg and have to make sure that when it starts to have that twinge that I have to begin walking. I was never a long distance runner, but, I love the miles.

It took me back to another group long ago, 7? 8? 9 years? Not too sure, 2020 feels like it was 7 years ago and I am shocked to see how much has changed in that time. I have been lucky enough now, in this time, to see Leslie Jones hosting the Daily Show. Oh I like her a lot!! She’s brilliant. More Leslie Jones!!! I digress. It was group of veterans and there were many on there and one day, I came across a post that said if you didn’t have an honorable discharge, you can’t call yourself a real veteran.

OK. First of all, who died and left these people Ed McManhon? Do they think this will invalidate their accomplishment because an overweight woman walked a marathon? I did get one comment back that said it was a page dedicated to running and while they chose to write about this one person, they didn’t highlight that another women broke a running record? I was more impressed with this comment. It gave a different solution to what was a perceived problem. It really broke my heart to see this. It was then that they started to get super petty. Like fucking Karen, can I talk to your manager petty. One woman went onto another profile and started throwing shade at her for her posts that didn’t have anything about running on it. Whoa! Fucking call the manager for being that childish. I wanted to say something to them both. Did you know that famed runner and author, mentor and coach, Jeff Galloway has a running walk method for different distances? He’s set records and he walks part of it, is he know magically not a runner because he walks for a part of it?

The sun goes down. The water is near to the dock again

I thought about these things for my run today. Yes, I walked some of it. Largely in part to the amount of ice that I dodged so I wouldn’t fall down and break my crown 👑 But that muscle, it tells me when it’s time to stop running and walk for a bit. I remember turning onto Larson Road and thinking what gives these people the right to say that you aren’t good enough to be featured in any article on the internet? For fucks’s sake, grow up people. Your small mindedness is really ugly and no matter who you are, once that stink gets on you, it’s a lot like the smell of desperation. It’s a hard one to get off. It turns you ugly. The audacity of people on the internet is overwhelming sometimes.

It was coming up on to mile three when this was really something that was bothering me. Just made me so angry. I set records when I was young, in junior higher running. Actual school records, I was a sprinter. I’m still very proud of that. Why? Because I was always looked at funny when I told others I was a sprinter. “You don’t look like a runner, let alone a sprinter” is what I would hear as they looked me up and down. I was a chunky kid. I’m still thick. I love my curves right now. But tomorrow is a new day and as I get a bit older, I am starting to notice things hurting more than they used to and I take a bit longer to heal than I used to.

At this point in my running, if I have to walk, I’m going to walk. I have to listen to my leg now, I have no desire to re-injure myself. I guess if I don’t run the entire time, then I’m not a runner. And I guess if a real veteran has to have an honorable discharge, then I’m just not a real veteran… I have busted my ass to be able to call myself both of those thing. These opinions are stupid and full of bullshit. This does not invalidate an elite runners accomplishment. This does not invalidate a person who served in a time of war in a theater of war. We were on the offensive side of that war. I worked hard to be where I am and I simply refuse to let others opinions of bring me down. I feel like this kind of thinking proves my little sisters theory that some people just don’t have the sense that god gave lemons.

I got home from my run dn thought about this some more. I know I shouldn’t let it get to me. I know I should just drop the whole thing and keep going and smile, but I feel like I am sick to death of smiling and letting others tell me what they think I should or should not be. This is a subjective opinion piece on a runners page. We aren’t talking about, the Supreme Court did what again? Or the war in Ukraine. Or any group of facts strung together. This is a sport. Some are elite. Others just can’t live without it. If you consider that in 5 years this woman will still be able to say I walked a full marathon and I can do fill in the blank, so can you. I would rather hold someone up as the cross the finish line than worry about a PR. We are a herd. You take care of each other in a herd. The miles are all the same, no matter how long it took you to get to the finish line.

For the majority of the runners that I have met, I have yet to meet anyone who has said anything like this. So I am lucky in that regard. But, I am also glad that I chose to help others and build them up instead of tearing an accomplishment apart because it doesn’t match someone’s image of what a runner should look like.

I am tired now. I ran hard and I am so grateful for the ability to do my best. I have been pushing myself and I can start to feel some of the good from my efforts. Why, you may wonder. Am I trying to lose weight? Umm.. 😂No. I want to at myself in the mirror, naked and be proud of what this body has been able to do and has been able to overcome to get where I am now. Where am I now? I am able to run again, and working on getting my leg stronger. I was born with a twisted hip and as a result I had to wear special shoes – think ‘magic shoes’ from Forrest Gump – and I have injured that same leg again and again. Most recently, you may remember dear reader, the tear in rectus femoris on September 3rd. I was down for weeks, and had a hard time walking two weeks later. I was lucky enough that I didn’t need surgery. I don’t want to hurt myself. I am getting up and doing it and not only getting out and doing it, but, putting a lot more effort and focus into running than I have ever done before. And that includes running track for three or four years. I want to make a comeback and be better than I was before. I would love to have a running parter. I have been lucky enough to have had two woman running partners whom I love dearly. Now it’s just me and The Yolandi Dog and my thoughts. The buddy was the one who helped you push yourself harder. Never had a faster pace than when Vanessa and I were able to run regularly. And she was way faster than I was. Now we walk instead. I like that we can focus more on the conversation than what I was able to do while running. I could focus on what she was saying, but me trying to run and talk at the same time is not something I can do very well. I want to be strong and leaner.

And with that thought, I must finish a few other projects. Look out for two more posts tonight 😎🤩😘