The Existential Dread That Seeps In

I’m having an off day you could say. I have tried to help it with uplifting music only to find that the playlist is not hitting it. Talking to people makes me feel worse. And then there is the incoming news that daily makes me want to vomit or hide and maybe come out in years to come.

You’ve had those days I’m sure. When it starts out good and then for whatever reason it just turns south for no fucking reason at all. Shit I can’t even get my computer to come up now either making it all that much more annoying!

Computer crisis has been handled. But still. It’s a day. It feels like one of those days that should be great and wonderful and has all the potential for being a decent day. And then you go to work. And it starts off fine and dandy. And then slowly between the conversations and the work you start to feel like the world is going to crumble on top of you and you can’t stop it. Crying doesn’t help because what the fuck good do tears do?!

I feel like I’m treading water. Just barely able to keep my head afloat and I’ve been trained for ocean swimming. In fact, I’m a class two swimmer. 🏊‍♀️ I can’t help my girls. I can’t help myself. I’m just not drowning right now. There is that tightness in my chest that wants to crush my soul and I can’t do anything but hope. And holy hell, hope isn’t something I really have anymore.

Hope is an illusion for me. There is none right now. Not for my country which has turned into a fucking shit show from hell with the most horrific person about to re-take the helm. Not for my fellow veterans who were so brainwashed to think this man is going to help them. I hold on to the fact that maybe we won’t be a second Germany based solely on the fact that we still have laws. Which in my mind are about to be broken and tarnished by a man who tried to stage a coup. And got away with it. 🤢🤮🤮🤮

I wanted to have hope for my girls. One is having a hard time and while she doesn’t want to kill herself, she doesn’t really want to live at this point. One is in college and home for winter break. She came home smelling so bad I’m shocked my dad didn’t make her shower before they left town. I wanted her to go and have fun and be young and go enjoy the whole living on campus thing. Make new friends. And instead she’s (likely) failed biology, dropped her scholarship and now wants to just be able to move back in at the end of the school year.

I have failed. 😞 I wanted to have hope for my grandchildren who I thought were going to be able to get a good education but with the department of education being dismantled and history currently being re-written to help white kids feel less upset about the horrors of what happened so many times here in this country. Not here’s what happened. We fucked up and let’s make it better. Nope. Just going to pretend they were all happy and got along and shit like slavery didn’t exist. We have failed our founding fathers.

The lake Saturday morning with geese flying

This is what goes through my head on a random Friday afternoon. I’m grateful that I got a text from a friend who just asked left or right. Because in those small text messages, I was able to bring myself back to the present moment of what I needed to be doing right then. And it helped me relax. And all was well again. Until it wasn’t.

Fast forward to around 1.30am Saturday (yesterday) morning when my husband gets a phone call from the dad of my grandkids. Please help me, Kelsie is having a hard time to say the least. And while I’m not going to go into a ton of personal details about it, she can talk about it if she wants, it amounted to she was drunk and yelling and it caused a big riff. Her little sister came to my house to sleep due to the yelling. She collapsed in a ball of tears after walking through the front door. Told her go upstairs, you’re safe. Thomas and I stayed up and watched something. And when that one was over, around 4.30 we made coffee and put on another movie and went back upstairs to the room. the movie got turned on and off to sleep my sexy love went. I couldn’t sleep.

Instead I got dressed and took the dog out. It was nearing sunrise and it’s the normal time to take her out. We got dressed and walked two miles. In those two miles that takes an hour to walk now, I talked to Vanessa. Ranted at her for an hour is more like it. I told her how I was feeling and how the shit with the girls was making me crazy. And not the good crazy. I ranted until I had to stop for a bathroom break. I can say it was so good for me to be able to get that all off of my chest. And there was a lot for sure.

The lights hadn’t quite gone out this morning

Tom and I did a lot of shopping and then by 4.30 I was fading fast. A good two hour nap was just what I needed. And then he brought me food for dinner. I was asleep quite quickly following that and now it’s morning again. Got home from the walk and my favorite Christmas movie was on. A Christmas Carol with George C. Scott. It follows the book so very closely and I have loved that movie since it came out in 1984. Much to do now. The dread is holding at bay for now and I will persevere to keep going forward. Things will work out, they always do and I have faith that this is no different. We will get through it. For now then, good day to you all 😎🤩❤️

The Morning High

04JUL2019

There are days when the sun shines brightly, the birds chirp happily, and the dew on the roses is picture perfect. These days are almost spiritual in nature and all seems to fall into place. Your heart rate, your pace, the way you breath and the muscles in your legs make you feel like a well oiled piston in moving perfection. Truth be told, most mornings aren’t like this.

There is this legend among runners of something so mysterious and legendary, some go their entire runnings lives and never have it happen to them. It’s called runner’s high. It is elusive and hard to explain to those who have never had it happen. A good way to describe it I guess would be a reference to Harry Potter. The feeling of the good luck serum. Like you are invincible and everything is burgeoning with life. I would have to say that I don’t feel this on a regular basis. It’s more like an transient few hour or so of being high on life.

For me, this isn’t something that I experience often, but, when I do, it’s glorious. It feels like knowing everything and not knowing anything at the same time. Your thoughts are scattered yet in perfect synchronicity with nature. It’s unlike most natural feelings you can understand. Again, the best way to describe such a phenomena is holy.

The sad truth is that I only get this every once in a while. It’s not an everyday thing. Not even close. Though, on a good day I feel like a million bucks just after I get out of the shower. I can feel my body lighting up and I feel as if I am in control, if even for just a moment.

10NOV2024

Wow, that’s so very poetic.. I do like how I write, so I guess going with the next one in the book of prompts is going to help me get back to those kinds of whimsical feelings of five years ago.. But let’s take a little inventory of where were we five years ago.

We were still in the days before Covid-19.. If you can remember back that far as it seems 2020 was really 10 years ago. Thomas was driving for Copperstate, my grandmother was still alive… So were a few others that are now gone. I was still talking to Hanna, who I was thinking about this morning. It’s been almost two years exactly since I last heard from her… My heart broke when she and I stopped talking. Like broke broke. Piper was in Jr. High, and Silas wasn’t even a thought yet. Close, but not quite. I was working at the bank. I miss the people I worked with, but, I don’t miss feeling like it was too much all the time. I was a Jr. Banker at the time. It’s so weird to think of how far I have come since that time. Even to think about how far we have come as a group is quite interesting.

Anyhow, I wanted to start back with going through old thoughts and just getting them out there again. This one was hard to follow. The last time I felt that runner’s high, Kelsie and I were doing a 10K, we had just hit three miles and I felt amazing! Both of it did in fact. It was just about a month before I got hurt.

Surgery was a little more than a week ago, and so far I’m able to bear a little weight on it to walk. I’m supposed to start PT this week, but I will have to get onto the website to find out when.. I hate that I deleted the emails that had the appointments for the first three visits in them. UGH!! Not to mention I can’t even find my phone right now, it’s not like I could do much even if I wanted to… hmmm… Hold Please… Never mind, I got it now… good thing I have my photos on the computer.

That’s all for now friends, have a great day, night friends 😎🤩❤️

A Running Hiatus: Write A Diary Entry 10 Years In The Future

Ok… Firstly, I looked through my book of prompts today and couldn’t find anything that I really wanted to do, and then I remembered me trying to stay committed to something I said I was going to do.. Unlike everything else I have tried and never finished.

10November 2035

It’s getting to be that time of year when I like to run when the sun is about to come up and there about that time.. I love the smell of the fireplaces with a little bit of the smoke hanging in the air. It’s been cold the last couple of weeks, which is normal. I took off this morning for the run just thinking I was going to do a nice easy five miles. That was not the case.

As it turned out I did 8 miles and it was such a beautiful sunrise! Along the way I was able to focus on life and I started to do a trip down memory lane. I started going back to the time when I was able to retire. I thought about how once we were able to sell the idea and the system, we were able to buy the house and land where we are now, but I was able to retire and take a nice little vacation. That vacation was amazing and that’s when we bought the van. We had actually bought the van and then took the train out to pick it up and then we were able to just go have an adventure together.

It’s weird to think about how much fun we have had in that VW van since then, as well as how many miles we have put on it. We have gone so many places, see the ocean a bunch of times, been to many different parks and got to do so many things together. I love that we have this place that we can always come back to. Where the kids are so close and I don’t have to wonder if they are doing alright because I get to see them all the time. It makes my heart so happy to be able to have that for the family. We have good days and we have bad days but it’s all good. I wouldn’t want to be with any other group of people than then ones that I am around all the time.

We have got to see Ella graduate from high school, Piper and Kelsie graduate from College, I got another degree and my masters, Thomas got his masters, it’s been a good thing that everyone of them have been able to further their lives by getting more education. As I kept running today, I thought about how wonderful it is to see Silas do so well in school as well as choosing to play an instrument and not only that, but he’s so good at it. He’s got dedication that’s for sure. I admire it and strive to be as dedicated and committed to playing my violin and trumpet as much as he does.. Have to lead by example. And with both of us in the symphony, it’s such a fun way to be able to do something with him.

Without a doubt, the best part of today was the nap after getting back from the run. I have really loved getting up early to stretch before going out and it’s such a huge help, but getting to do it in a meditative state afterwards, makes me feel so damn good. Then the shower and food and coffee and snuggles from Thomas make the day start off so well that the nap that comes around noon is so incredibly delicious.

Anyhow, dinner tonight is with the kids, salad and baked potatoes. Simple, delicious. Followed of course by something super sweet, strawberries and blueberries. Time to get papa up, he’s so cute when he’s sleeping 😎❤️😁

Who’s Driving

Yesterday, I went to the post office to mail a package to my daughter at college. I drove myself and Ella, my granddaughter. She helped to carry in the package. Getting into the car was a little rough. Getting out of the car was even harder and a lot more painful than I had expected. And then I had to do it again to get back home and I decided that I will not be driving again until I am feeling like my knee is ready for it.

The kids spent the night last night and for our movie for bedtime, Inside Out 2 was the chosen flick. I laughed at some of it and cried at a lot more of it. When I put on my eyeliner this morning, I noticed that my eyes were puffy from the tears and decided to go with black eyeliner. Seems to hide that a little bit. We watched both of them this afternoon. And again I cried. And it got me to thinking as Thomas and I sat outside about what emotions do I let drive. What emotions are being shoved down and bottled up?

I want to take an honest approach to this and just say it. I’m pretty sure that I let anxiety and sadness and fear drive most of the time. And due to certain unfair circumstances related to my knee breaking, I’m pretty sure that joy had been sent to the back of my mind for a while.

It’s strange really. I just got all my medication for all of that, and I haven’t thought it worth it enough to actually remember to take the damn things for the last week. Not only that, but I can say that since I have broken myself taking my other medication has come to crawl as well. I wonder if that has anything to do with the feelings I’m having as of late. There isn’t anything helping to regulate those emotions. Anxiety needs a special chair and some tea. Fear needs to just relax. Fuck, and I’m still just pissed off about my knee. Most of these feelings wouldn’t be going on if I could fucking run!!! I have repressed anger a lot as well. That one I think I have repressed for most of my life and it only really comes out when things don’t go my way. And If I’m being honest, most of the time they do go my way. I try to plan, and I try to take care of the little details before doing things so I’m prepared. But, I have that burning thought of I’m not good enough echoing through my head far more often than what I want to admit.

I want to write some more right now, but my eyes are starting to close and I’m getting tired, more to come later. Like tomorrow… hopefully this thought doesn’t get lost in the back of mind between now and then.. 😎

A few days later…

I refilled my media-sets this morning and made sure to take them today. I haven’t thought much about who was driving since Friday night. I’ll admit, it’s been a tense week for all of us, and I’m grateful for the two days of the weekend. I’ve relaxed a little bit, and now I’m ready to settle in and begin a new writing adventure.

And so we being. I have decided that for the running hiatus part of this blog, I won’t have any photos in it nor will I go back and proof read this. I do realize that I think faster than I type and there are bound to be lots of mistakes in them, but overall I believe that will help me to remember which entry is which.. But then again, so it the titling part of the whole bit.

I made sure to give anxiety a few days off this weekend. I have to say it’s nice to let every one else take a stab at driving from time to time. I am hoping that she will take a back seat for a while, but I can’t say that’s going to be the case. Tomorrow is last day of the fiscal year for me so it’s going to be a busy one I’m sure. And it’s going to be a long damn month. Hopefully, I will be able to get surgery done to get my knee fixed and then back out to being outside daily again. I feel like there are many things that are going to have to happen from now on. More on that later though.

Have a good night friends 😎🤩

A Running Hiatus: Have You Ever Spoken Up When You Saw Something Was Going Wrong?

WOW. That’s a good question for today. The second part of that was, were you scared? What was the outcome? Well, I suppose it’s time that I tell a hard truth, I am a coward. I’m the Libra who hates confrontation so much that I have allowed people to walk all over me and use me as a doormat. However, from time to time, I have stood up and said something.

There are two times that come to mind when I think of this. The first was many years ago when Thomas and I were still dating and hadn’t moved in together. Kelsie had a room that faced the parking lot at our apartments and one afternoon, we drive in and see that the blinds are all sorts of fucked up. Thomas got so pissed off at her for it. She had taken large boards and put black cloth on it and put it in her window, and it had all sorts of fun things pinned to it. It was a decoration. He went in and started yelling at her for it. She was crying, not realizing that it had done the damage and said that you told me it was ok to put those in the windows. He walked out of her room and I was standing there. Her door was closed and I looked at him and asked if he knew that was going to happen when she did that? No, he didn’t know, and I said then need to apologize to her for yelling at her. I told him if you told her it was ok, and then this happened, you can’t yell at her if you didn’t know this was going to happen and you said it was ok. Go and apologize to her.

And he did. And from that time on, when one of us is in the wrong, we do apologize for it. I’m not always right, and thankfully neither is he, though, he’s right a lot more of the time than I am. But he also says I’m sorry a lot more than I have had to. Mostly because he yells a lot and he knows that that’s not cool. We are a work in progress. And I’m totally ok with that.

The second time that this happened wasn’t so long ago. Maybe 5 years ago. Vanessa and I had finally decided to go to the Renn Faire together again. Liz, her daughter was going to met us with a friend of hers down there, and Vanessa and I and Piper and Dez, one of our friend’s daughters was going to drive down. I remember it was a Friday night and we were all so excited. Kelsie was over helping to get Piper in costume, it was going to be a great day.

And then, I got a text message about the plan. Liz was no longer going to met us down there, she and her friend were going to go down with Vanessa and I. This was a big deal because there weren’t enough seat belts to go around. We were short one. I was so upset having to tell Piper that it’s not going to happen. That Vanessa broke our plans to accommodate her daughter, which is in her right to do if she wants. I said something about it. I stewed on it for about 30 minutes, pacing back and forth and what to say and how to say it, I typed out my response to it at least twice before I sent it. I stood up for myself. By ten pm, I was so fired up mad, I decided to go for a walk. I was mad at Thomas for bringing it up and then not letting it go and that I had to say something. I looked at him and said, I’m not happy about this whole situation, so just because I’m not yelling at you, doesn’t mean that I’m not super pissed off about it. He was so happy for me standing up for myself. It was kind of cute actually.

Got home and went to bed, Thomas was already asleep, Kelsie had already taken off and Little Goose likely cried herself to sleep that night. She was so bummed. Vanessa later told me that I was right, that was shitty of her to do and she was sorry. And she was so proud of me for saying something and standing up to her and standing up for myself. I ended up taking Piper to the Renn Faire later in the season, went with Hanna and Alex. We had a great time. We didn’t dress up, but we had a fantastic time.

I still don’t like confrontation. I hate getting in the middle of things and having anyone either yell at me or get mad at me. I’m still a coward, but, I’m getting better with age. I hope… Until the next time friends, have a great day.

A Running Hiatus: What Person Knows You Best & How Did You Meet?

A long damn title today. You may have noticed dear reader that if you were to put in the website I just created, you will have noticed that it brought you right back here to this very page. Not a new one that I had thought I created. Oh well, Here we go.

There is only one person who really knows me best and I would have to say that is my husband. I don’t know how many others can say the same about their partner, but I know that I can say it about mine. We operate on the same wave length and that always makes me smile.

We met just over 15 years ago. We met in school for massage therapy. I was there because I needed to do something with my life, and he was there to start over in a new place with his youngish daughter and baby bird. It started off very well too. On the second day I knew he liked me, and after that day, according to Miss Charlotte, I mentioned his name every single day until we started officially dating.

At that time in my life, Piper was still just a little one. I had just moved into my parents house, again, and I had to send Piper to go live with her dad while I was in school. I had to, there was no way that I could send time with her if she was there due to work and school schedule. I worked from 5.30 – 2.30. Class started at 3 and ended at 7.30. By the time I would get home, it would be too late to even get to put her to bed. I struggled with that one. I hated sending her away, but at the same time, it gave me a chance to focus on studying. And I did, finishing top in the class.

Thomas and I started talking a lot more once the second semester started. We would stand outside of the classroom talking, sometimes for many hours before I would go home. There was just something about him. There have been many ups and downs in our relationship, but I still chose him daily. When we are talking about something, he’ll say it just as I’m thinking it. We agree on food and drinks, we get to go shopping together and enjoy one another.

During the course of the school year, I took some weekend classes, the ones that I loved the most, being the reiki classes. Durning one of the days we were working, I remember Carole, our instructor, saying to just clear your mind. Empty it of all things. And for a moment, with my eyes closed there was all blackness all around in my safe spot. And then his face came into my line of vision. I knew there was something more to this person than just the guy in class with me. I dove deeper into studies and the more I learned and healed, the more he came into my view. By the time we got to our first hands on class, it was into him. We were doing a project together and Carole said that tomorrow night, we will be working on each other and that we will need to pick a partner. Without missing a moment, he asked if I wanted to be his partner. 🤩🤩

Other signs were there. That first night that I got to work on him, he fell asleep, and I was so relieved. The next night, we switched and I was on the table. He did the first long efflorage stoke down my back and lifted his hands and was like whoa.. The teacher came over to find out what was wrong and he said that my skin turned hot as he rubbed down my back. Shit, he knew that I liked him. It didn’t turn out to be a bad thing though. On the first night back from winter break, we partnered up again and he was again the first to be worked on. I put my hands on his shoulders and again, the whoa! statement came out. Said that I shocked him and he felt it all the way in his toes. 😳

I find it very easy to love him. We laugh together, he laughs at me when I cry but there are times that we do cry together. We have fun together and he’s the only one I want to go on adventure with. We have moments of anger with each other, but, it’s a safe place for him to be angry just as it’s a safe place for me to be angry. There have been many things that could have torn us apart and I keep choosing him. He has my heart ❤️ We have our fair share of arguments and we have a difference of opinion about many things, but one thing is for sure, he will forever be my always. ❤️

The Cobwebs on the Lamp

In our living room, we have a sectional that I really love. It’s not the over stuffed kind that I see so often, but more of a modern modular kind, in blue. It is divided into two pieces, one with three sections and the other with only two. The one with the two, is next to the window and I like to sit here. The other one just faces the TV on the north side of the house. I have been sitting here a lot lately.

I was having a hard time yesterday with it all. The waiting, the wrong billing from the hospital, the bullshit of the whole thing. I can’t run. I can’t walk. I can’t carry my own coffee into my building. I have to use my pockets to transport my coffee mug from the office to the break room so I can have some coffee. It’s been three weeks now and I’m now able to use one crutch while getting around the house. I don’t dare try to use it long distances. Though that would make getting into buildings so much easier. Oh well.

I have been getting cramps in my foot. Like in the arch and that ooooh, hurts a bit. I feel like it’s a less bad than getting a Charlie horse in the calf, but, still a bad feeling. I don’t know why I get them either, but whatever. I know that I haven’t been drinking enough water. I know that I really want to, but it’s a huge pain in the ass to actually get up. Luckily I get to have shorts on for the weekend and it makes life easier for me for two days.

Today when I got up, I started cleaning my room. Cleaned off my dresser and my nightstand and I put the clothes away. It was a great morning. We had a good lunch, and then took a trip to get flower and then came home. The day hasn’t been anything special, but, I am considering doing a special writing series. Not sure if I would be able to stick to it, but, given how I am going to be on the computer a lot more for the next few weeks, might as well take advantage of some opportunity to work on getting better at writing in general. I have been saving screen shots for…. well, ten years now. Damn, and I have a lot of them. I recently found a series of questions that was designed to help prompt your writing. Reminds me of my two favorite English classes. In 4th grade and then again in 8th grade. What made these two stand out as years to remember you, dear reader, may be thinking? They have the same thing in common. A writing journal with assigned prompts.

I can tell you that I kept my 4th grade journal, however, I don’t know what happened to my 8th grade journal. The latter class however, is more memorable than 4th grade. Is it because it was more recent than 4th grade? 🧐 My 4th grade journal is filled with passages of how much I was in love with this boy named Glenn. 🤦🏼‍♀️ There are at least half a dozen to a dozen entries that cover this dude. In 8th grade, we covered more interesting times. I remember reading the book Jacob Have I Loved. I remember the day Kurt Cobain was found dead, we talked about that in class and one of my classmates, Lizette, wore a Nirvana T-shirt that day. 💔 I remember having a bad day and not wanting to write about whatever it was the topic of the day was. And instead I wrote what was on my mind. I remember my teacher, Mr. Medlock. He was our track coach. The writing was something that I loved in both.

The more I think about this idea I think I will.. So, dear reader, I have decided that for the time that I am down, since I can’t really write about running, though I will be updating as needed, I am now the proud owner of the new blog arunninghiatus.com .. It’s still processing, but I will be doing the very same thing I did all those years ago, by tackling some of the most interesting topics I could find to help me improve my writing. I mean, we can all improve, right? I will let you all know when that is up and running. I am going to be using some prompts that I found on Pintrest years ago. When I was still hanging out with Belinda and Lacey. I am very excited to be using these as they are some good questions about life and I don’t think I will be adding many photos to it, like I do here, but you never know. I’m thinking mostly like short essay style writing. But I wanted to try something new and different and maybe even challenge myself.

Once I am finished with this video I am working on for the business, I will be focusing on finishing my book. As you may remember from a years ago, I wrote a book about what to do when someone dies. What do you need to do first and second and what to expect. Some helpful phone numbers and some fill in the blank places about your own wishes. I even leave a little space to write your own obituary. Why not? I had to read my uncle Tim’s obituary recently and it was written in first person narrative. So very beautifully done. Made me realize that I never got to know my uncle. And I really didn’t get the chance to grow up with my cousins. Once we moved to Kingman, it’s not like we were at each other’s birthday parties anymore. So why not write your own (**Random thought **I may have been a bit rash in going in for the .com page but I’m learning much about computers and webpages and designs and video editing, might as well start to really learn it all.) .

I even get my own email address.. Like I need another one to keep track of. julie@arunninghiatus.com Almost feels like a big step to pay the extra for that. It was total of less than $15, so it’s not like a big spend but, we shall see how it goes. How exciting. I have exactly 172 questions that I will be asking myself. I may actually make that 200 if I can find those other questions. I will be posting the questions here, and should you wish to know my thoughts on one specific, I suppose it would be cool to write to me, now that I have my own email address. I feel like a grown up now. Weird. 🤩😎

I feel like this entry, dear reader, has been very scattered. I am sorry for that. I started writing and then I had to go pee. So I got up and then I decided that I was feeling a bit peckish and needed a little snack. So I went with a small glass of orange juice and some chocolate frosting. Now I have lots more energy to keep writing and then I came back to my computer thinking about should I buy the domain and do something a little different in writing. And very rash me usually does. However, I won’t do that again. But to be honest, I’m pretty excited about this all. Something different. Something new. And should this work out that I can figure it out and get it to work like I want it to, I can do this for the business as well. That would be cool that I could do that, but one thing at a time. My goal for today has been met and then after that, I thought I would write until the battery is fully charged again and then I will be done for the night. And then start all over tomorrow. I’m actually smiling about that now. Work until the battery dies and then do this until it’s charged again, and I promise one lasts longer than the other and it’s not the writing part of it. I will do some more research for tomorrow’s video work, I have to do some editing from the internet again and I forgot how to do that.

So many projects are being taken on right now, and I’m ok with that because I need to get the lead out when it comes to getting the stuff for our business done. We have a deadline and I need to be done with this a while ago. Why so busy all of the sudden? He found property and I found house plans. I want to make this happen. I know that I can do this. But one project that I took on, has come to a stand still until the video is done, and that is Kelsie’s skirt. It’s in that final stage of being put together and I won’t work on it until I am done with this. This is too big and too important to stop and do that. That and my knee hurts when I sew, so that’s not going to happen until I can do more with my leg. I know I have been slacking on this and I am tired of being scared of succeeding. It’s time to just go for it and stop stalling and just do it. So this is me doing just that. And I guess it had to take me getting knocked down to get on it. While I’m at it and on the computer, why not do something brave and different.

If you have stuck with me this long, dear reader, I do thank you. I will be still updating here as I mentioned because this one is my first writing spot, but I will be able to answer questions you may have had about my running or what topic of conversation I should tackle for the upcoming blog arunninghiatus.com. Drop me line sometime.

Night all, I’m too tired to keep going until the battery is charged. It’s time to go watch the end of the show I was watching for a while, when I was upstairs with Thomas. Well, he was sleeping and I was lying next to him to snuggle. It was about a WWII C47 that was the actual lead plane on D-Day, dropping the 101st Air Borne Division. First of their kind. This one was named That’s All,,, Brother! Kind of cool and interesting to learn about it. Didn’t realize it was a 2.5 hour documentary. I had to take a break and thus came down and picked up the computer again. 😎❤️ ☮️

Now What?

Today, a Sunday, I got my MRI. I shall soon know exactly how much damage a trampoline can do. I am hoping that it’s healing so well right now that I won’t have to have surgery, however, I don’t know if I will need it or not. I should know tomorrow what the results are, so there is something good.

I feel like I have been a lot more helpful this last week, though I also notice how quickly my one leg will get sore and need to take a break. I washed the dishes, and I put away groceries, sort of. Today, Kelsie is helping me do my hair. I have been saying it needed to be done for the last month, but I am done putting it off.

Not a whole lot going on right now. Being down has the disadvantages that I have written about so many times in the last three years. UGH!! I’m needing to pay attention to my limitations. I also need to stretch and warm up before going for runs as well. I also have time now to do some very needed things. Like figure out the stuff I need to do for my business. I have been watching videos of how to’s, but, I am not so great in this yet. It takes time and right now, I have enough to learn and do a few things. What things, you may be wondering. Computer animation stuff. I think next semester, I shall find a class and see what I can learn about it all. So many things I have learned by doing, but there is a great deal more I could learn that would be helpful. I needed to work on this regularly for the last 5 months, but, I have found lots of excuses and now I have run dry and the work is starting to come along. I will be doing a great deal of learning how to edit videos and make thing work, but, I’m not that great just yet. More work to come one it.

I have also noticed that I haven’t been doing a lot of shopping since I’m on crutches and I can’t always think that there will be a wheelchair that I can use. There are plenty who need them, so, I have opted to let Thomas go and do that. I miss going out and just being together and having fun playing around town. It’s a blip of time, so I’m not going to be too upset. This won’t last forever at all. I know that I am just a bit impatient and am so used to the instant gratification thing. I can wait. Like I said, there are other things that I need to work on. I had hoped to get Kelsie’s skirt done long ago, but now, I don’t when that will get worked on again. I can do a lot of things, but there are things that require a lot more energy than normal and sewing is one of those things right now.

Fast Forward three days:

I got the results of the MRI today and it’s not that great. I will have to have surgery, and if you read the last post you will notice that I have already made mention of that. That is because I thought I was writing in this post and doing an edit on the last one. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Now, as I wait for everything else to happen, I am down. Like physically, not mentally. I’m sitting here, watching a sitcom? in Russian subtitles. The talk about the Great Patriotic War – also known as WWII – and it’s quite interesting. Seems it a series, but I can’t gather if it’s supposed to be funny or not. The men on it were arguing about who lived in a more green and beautiful place where the air has a different smell. Interesting so far, but it’s only been a few minutes.

Time to get working. But I’m thinking that I’m going to get set up for some ice therapy first. My knee is killing me right now.

And yet another 3 days…

Well I did put three hours on my project today and I feel like I’ve made more progress using the app iMovie in three hours than what I did the whole of the last time. Maybe I’m just ready to dive into it. Either way I very much enjoyed it. I have the first part done and now for the hard part that I’m still learning but I think k this will work.

Got to go today. I mean more than the hospital and work and sitting in the car while Thomas does something. I got to go buy flower today. It was nice. To be outside and feel the sprinklings as the end of summer is here… and now Fall will take its place. ❤️❤️❤️

Time to run the computer until the battery dies. I feeling pretty good. I’m bummed Thomas feels so poorly. Hope his nap helps.

Down Again

Well, it’s been two years now, to the day, that I hurt my leg by tearing my hamstring. Wouldn’t you know it, I’ve managed to hurt myself again. And this time, it’s likely going to require surgery and PT and many walks. Not that I’m opposed to walks, but, I had just been able to get into doing a 10k at least once a week and I was really enjoying that.

Me and the girls doing a 10k together ❤️

Where to begin… Well, dear reader, this year I decided to take some of my vacation time and go see my sister for what was supposed to be her retirement ceremony. It was changed about a week before to a promotion ceremony instead of retirement. I went out, got to see her and I was having a blast. The weather was gloomy and it was a rainy day out and I took my niece over to a trampoline place to go have some fun.

We were having a great deal of fun too. I was very much enjoying it. And then I jumped and when I landed, I was aiming for the divider, which when Amelia jumped on it, stayed put, however, when I jumped on it, my foot did a weird thing and now I have a bruise on my foot. We keep going, we stopped to stretch for a moment though, because feeling that, I wanted to make sure I didn’t hurt myself again. I was jumping really high and when I came back down, I did damage to myself. In all, I have a torn ACL, a fractured condyle of the femur and a pulled groin muscle. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

I did however, get to spend some quality time with my sister and that made me feel a lot better. She was awesome. I’m so glad that I was there and got to be around her and her family. But damn, I hurt today. Had my flight home yesterday, which was upgraded to so I could have some leg room, and then once I got back to Phoenix, Thomas picked me up and we then drove for 3.5 hours to get home. Stopped in Payson for food at Denny’s, which was a bust for him, but not terrible for me. Finally got home, it was only noon… I started my day at essentially 1.15 am my time and I was beat. Took a long nap and I could have stayed sleeping.

Today, before I have to go back to work, has been a bit rough. The brace helps, but it hurts to sit on it for a long time, and then when I take it off, if I have to get around, it feels so heavy. I hurt a bit today as well.

I was able to go see some cool things in DC though. I went to the National Mall, would have been cooler if I wasn’t being pushed around or using crutches. Saw the Korean Conflict Memorial, the Vietnam Wall, and the WWII Memorial. I also got to see the Lincoln Monument and only took photos from a far of the Jefferson Memorial. I was whipped by the time we got done, and not only that, I was super smelly. Like gross caked on salt from sweat, reminded me of being on a ship and doing some kind of lube oil drill and everyone is in turnouts and everyone smells. Eww..

The next steps are going to be fun. I have to go see my PCP this week, already had an appointment with him for other things, but, it’s good that I can get in so I can get my referral for an MRI in as well as an orthopedic surgeon referral. I think with luck, I’ll be back to walking within 6-8 weeks. Hoping for less though. And yes, that’s going to mean that for now, I’m down, once again.

It’s not so much that I feel like I don’t get enough rest, I really do. I wasn’t doing a whole lot this past month and I recently discovered that while I am trying to not do everything half-assed, I hadn’t been applying that to running and the fact remained, I was not giving it my full commitment. I was changing and doing well, I was loving doing runs again to see how far I could push myself. And now, I’m back to resting. I am super sad about it, but I know that there are a good many things that I can now focus more attention on. Like working on the business stuff, and maybe I could write down the recipes for making cheese – I miss cheese so damn much – and reading… And maybe spending more time on my computer, writing. I have started many different pieces, and yet, so many of them are sitting there, as a draft of a thought. That thought will not be the same and I won’t be able to recreate that moment in time that I was feeling whatever it was that I was feeling.

Thomas and I have been talking. He said that I need to learn my limitations. I have to realize that the older I get, the more prone to accidents I become. I’m not a klutz, and I don’t do silly things. This, he said was just an accident and that it’s not my fault. But now, I have to be the one who is trying to get better from it. It’s super frustrating for me. And if I am told to stay off of it, I am doing just that. Looks like I won’t be half-assing my recovery at all. There is too much at stake for me. I don’t want to risk hurting myself again either. Just too many things that I have to take into consideration. Makes my head hurt.

Lexi and I at the second round at the hospital

If you have stayed with me this far, dear reader, I do appreciate it. I’m just having a bad Tuesday. And I’ll heal and this will be ok, and things will keep moving. But for today, I am choosing self pity. I want to cry and breakdown and be sad and let my soul break just a little bit. I want to wallow in my own deep sad thoughts, I want to feel all the feels. But just for today. I don’t want this to bother me tomorrow or the following day. I want to get out of bed and be grateful that I woke up. I want to get my coffee and drink it while sitting out back and enjoying the chatter of the hummingbirds that are all around me. I want to put makeup on. But today, I have to worry about getting a shower chair, and eating dinner. Neither of which I actually want to do, but are a must for me. I want to eat an entire bar of oat milk chocolate and then eat my Ben & Jerry’s non-dairy frozen dessert – not even ice cream.

Regardless of what it is that I want to do, the things that have to happen will. Most of what I want to do today aren’t something that is going to happen because, well, I’m on the computer and not crumpled into a ball on the floor of the closet crying.

Fast forward 5 days…

It’s just time to recognize that I’m not a spring chicken anymore. I have some limitations but I will have to more aware of my circumstances and situations. Anyhow, time for other things… happy Sunday.

For the record, I’m terrible on crutches!

Fast Forward a few more days or rather weeks….

I have been to the Dr. I have had the MRI finally and sadly, I will eventually have to have surgery for a torn meniscus, and ACL that is still attached by “a few fibers”. It doesn’t say that I broke the femur but it’s not a good look at this point. Now I have to wait to see the ortho to find out more about this surgery. I have yet to be called about it. I can only play the waiting game. And, yes, I’m more than just a little bit pissed off. I have to remember that I live on the mountain and things are slower and there is no other place to go. It’s like dealing with our local hospital and their terrible billing practices. I also feel like the longer I wait for medical care, the longer I will have to heal. I’m mad about it, but there isn’t a whole lot that I can do about it. Today I’m sad about it and I’m letting myself be upset by it. Tomorrow is a new day so I am hopeful that I will be less upset by this whole thing. We shall see.

Until then, I’m on the couch doing things that I have been putting off. I have been working on the company logo, and too, I will be working on video for our company. My sister sent me a video the other day, it called out Libra and Virgo, me and Thomas, to do the things you have been putting off that you know you need to do. So, I feel like this is going to be the time that I need to get this stuff done. I have goals that I know we can met if we work hard. So now I have been given the gift of time. I think I will have to see this is a gift that I wouldn’t otherwise have been able to take advantage of. I will continue to be irritated with the whole thing and be thankful this is just my knee, and not a health emergency. I will continue to trust in the process and hope for the best though I know that it could do a lot better. I don’t think I will do it with the computer on my lab though. This hurts my knee. I think it’s time for some ice actually…

Until next time dear reader, thank you and good night 😎

Mornings. Again. Ugh!

I actually do love the morning. I just don’t love that I was in bed and now I have to get out of it to begin the day to start the cycle of life all over again. It’s better than the alternative I suppose, which is not waking up in the morning.

I have been working on more forward progress this last week after taking some time to not do anything that I said I was going to. And then I realized that it’s already April, the forth month of the year and I have finished only one project. So, slowly but surely I have been trying to make progress. In this week I have been able to get two more tiers sewn on to the second skirt I have been doing. I haven’t been as good at getting miles in as I would like, but that is due to me not being prepared for the morning. That’s me just being lazy at night and not doing what I need to do. I have a few reasons why I need to start making sure that I am doing the right things. Let me explain.

Last weekend, Thomas and I were sitting down figuring out what to do for dinner. We decided that we would go get some Subway and then get ice cream and a movie.

I’m pretty partial to Subway because it’s one of the places I can go and know that I will have the same thing and it will taste the same as it always does. I get the chicken, bacon, ranch. With no cheese, obviously, and no ranch. I have come up with some interesting ways to get around my eating problems. When I ordered, I said no cheese, I’m allergic to it. The lady cocks her head at me and asked, “You wouldn’t happen to have O blood, would you?” “Yes, I am in fact.” She goes on to tell me of her personal research with blood types and how the body processes foods. I go on to learn a little bit more about my body and what I found out and have now tried out for myself, I would say this was some very interesting information. She said that type O is the original blood type, it’s the same as the caveman that lived so long ago. It doesn’t process dairy and eggs, because they are animal by-products and we didn’t domesticate animals for a long time. The other one is complex carbohydrates. This was again, something that we as humans didn’t start to do until the domestication of animals. My body has issues with both of these things… could this be something worth investigating?

I thought about it, and so I thought I would try out a little trial to see what did I think about it, and is this going to be something that is sustainable. I went with fruits, meat, and veggies. That’s about it, with the exception of my coffee and creamer but I use almond milk so it’s not really anything with milk in it. I noticed on the first day that I had good poos and that my stomach didn’t hurt. The second day I went to put on my jacket that I keep at work, I didn’t have to pull it to bring the zipper together. Interesting. By Thursday, I have noticed that my stomach feels and looks a lot less bloated. And then we had dinner. I had made some sautéed veggies with a Kielbasa sausage and tater tots. I also enjoyed a piece of bread. I knew before I went to bed that my stomach wasn’t a happy place. I went to work the following day with my tummy very much bloated. I was feeling a little bummed about that. I even went on my morning run and we did nearly 5 miles. There wasn’t nearly as much poo that there should have been. I hate that.

As far as the food goes, I think I’m going to work on this kind of eating to see what it could do for me. I have enjoyed the feeling of feeling good. Today, I had three pieces of bread and some wonderful tuna salad stuff. I call it salad but I don’t know if that’s what I would call it. But, whatever. It was amazing. I was very much enjoying the balsamic vinegar on the bread, it added such amazing flavor.. Oh my goodness!! And then I took a nap. Oh I love naps.

As we had no fruit in the house as of yesterday morning, I had to wait to make a shake. What’s the base you ask? Why that’s going to be a pea protein. Yup. More veggies. Lots of veggies for the last week. Red peppers, onions, avocados (which are really a fruit), cucumbers and chicken with vinegar. Holy hell, I even put crispy onions on it. Talk about a flavor explosion in your mouth. And the morning shakes have been amazing as well. And celery for a snack with peanut butter (another protein). The amount of meat that I have been eating has grown exponentially. I am loving that. Though yesterday morning, I really only wanted to have bananas and blueberries.

Ok, so about half way through the week, I noticed the way my body seemed to have changed, but also that it seems that if I wanted to lose more fat, I would only need to workout a little bit. And many say cardio isn’t going to of it. I would like just be able to run. and lost weight. And have more deeper pockets. And not worry about getting attacked while out running. Well, I think I want a lot more than that, but that’s still to come.

The new shoes I got are fantastic on the trail. On the road though, it seems like it’s running in cleats on the pavement. Looks like I am back to looking for the other ones.. And I found some. For way more than I want to pay for them, but at this point, I’m not too sure there is a choice about it. I have been using my old pair of running shoes for the most part. And as of today, I have started a new training plan and I need to go put in my next ten minutes of running. It’s through the Garmin app and I am going with a 10K program. And it’s great, but it won’t set the date for my actual run on the correct day. I’m hoping to be able to take about three minutes per mile off what I’m doing now. I am hopeful. I would like to be able to run longer distances again on a regular basis. Baseline from when I got hurt. Going on two years now in a few months. It would seem that recovery has taken a lot longer than I thought it ever would. I am hopeful for good health and a healthy body that can move.

Oh. I forgot about this one. Pleasant surprise 🤩

And good news to report for the forward progress. I got the second skirt finished! Hooray for the little things. Now to get moving on the other projects. I have to actually get my ass in gear. And I managed to get graduation stuff done. Now to get the announcements for it. Ugh! And I have to get the scrap book worked on before graduation. I have to order more photos for it as well. She’s graduating next month. It seems so strange. She was just little last week, I’m sure of it. My sweet little goose. ❤️

Anyhow, the week to come is nearing and I do have some chores that I’m working on now. Like the laundry. And making sure the child gets her clothes washed. It’s getting gross with that one. How does on live in such squaller? Yuck! Until next time dear reader, good night.