Why oh why?

Today, I weighed myself and I am not happy with that number. But it’s not so much the number, it’s more of a how my clothes me thing. I know that I can do any number of things to help me lose the weight but, who knows what’s going to help me lose it. I’ve been stressed. And I’m not one who can go on the stress diet of coffee and nicotine and lose weight. Nope. That’s not me. I eat. And then I eat more and then I get more stressed and eat more. I was thinking about how science is now pointing to a stress hormone that allows me to produce cortisol and now I have to get my body to hit a reset button.

How do I hit a reset button. Well, I have to take a look at my eating. I’ve been on vacation the last week and so I’ve allowed myself to eat stuff I don’t usually eat. So first thing is no more chocolate syrup in my coffee 😑👎🏻. From there I know that I have been so sedentary from my torn muscle, that I haven’t even got to where I think I should be. Not even close to baseline yet!! That makes me crazy. So since I have started to work out in the afternoons with my girls, we do thirty minutes of weights/strength training and then a 30 minute walk, I have thought it best to get back to my running in the morning.

How many times must I got through this whole thing of getting my ass up and going out the door. I used to think if I had someone else to hold me accountable then I could do it. But when it’s just me holding me accountable, I have to say, I like being comfortable.

If I want change, I have to get used to being uncomfortable. I need to get up in the morning and go run and I need to be able to just do it but putting it into practice is a whole other thing. To start with, I’m really good at making excuses for why I can or can’t do something. And I’m even better at just letting myself go. And I’m pretty sure that is all it is. But there is no big prize that I get for doing it. There isn’t any motivation to do it. Here is where commitment comes in.

I am really good at being committed to my husband. I am super awesome at being committed to my family. I am pretty good at being committed to my dog. I am not very good at being committed to myself. Let me say it again. I. Am. Not. Good at. Being. Committed. To. Myself. And to get up and do it daily is a real commitment. And I have been really good at letting myself down these days. So to make this work, I have to start putting in the time and the miles daily to hit my goals. I want to be a faster runner but I have some days when I just want to be a jelly roll too.

I know what I have to do. My clothes are laid out right now. Clothes for work after my shower are there too. Everything is there. Ready. Now, are all my alarms set and ready to go? I’m pretty sure they are. Would hate to wake up 30 minutes late for work. Guess we will have to wait and see now. Fingers crossed! 🤞🏻

The Platypus

When I was young, I met one of the coolest people I have ever met. Some one who was smart and funny and he was carefree. His passing yesterday has left a hole in my heart that I am having a hard time dealing with. I can’t even imagine how much his family is grieving the loss of a husband, father, friend. A man who said his spirit animal was the Platypus, so when I came home from Australia I naturally brought one in a can home (it was a stuffed animal, not a dead animal) for him.

Let me take you back, dear reader, to a time that was a lifetime ago, when I was young and so full of energy and piss and vinegar and sass.. Wow, there was a lot of sass at that time. I may or may not have mentioned that once upon a time ago, I was in the U.S. Navy. I have been around the world three times, seen a lot of place and people, drank way more than I should have and did some seriously stupid shit before the internet and smart phones were everywhere. Thank goodness for that.

My first duty station while serving, was in Jacksonville Florida. I was in Mayport stationed aboard the U.S.S John F. Kennedy (CV-67). This is the ship I met Joey on, Piper’s dad. We got married and then moved to the other side of the country. We ended up stationed on 32nd St. Naval Base, San Diego California. I went to a C-School, a speciality school for the Cummins engine marine inline 6BTA, and then was stationed on the U.S.S Boxer (LHD-4) while Joey was stationed on the base. Forty seven days after checking in, I would be leaving on my second deployment.

I was to leave in January for the Middle East. For that Christmas, I got Joey a bass guitar. He had said he wanted to learn to play so we got one for him. I leave for deployment and when I got back, Joey had made friends with people that he worked with who he was now in a band with. They were the ones that I met first, Ed and Bill. These two, wow. They were both amazing guitar players with different styles that seemed to blend so well together. Thinking about it now is a little hard, both of them have passed, and both of them were damn young. At least in my mind they were young.

The first set up in the garage from left to right: Joey, Ed, Bill

I met Bill and his wife, Sandy along with Ed within a week of being home again. Joey was so excited for me to meet them all. Bill and Sandy were our first grown up couple friends and I was immediately impressed and loved them both. They were a few years older than Joey and I and they had kids. Like more than one kid. And I only remember having fun and laughing a lot around them all. I enjoyed getting to listen to them all play together, Joey had worked so hard at learning to play his bass. He was becoming better and better by the day. And Sandy, she is woman I will never forget. I can hear their voices in my head now as I think on it some more. Joey, Bill and Sandy were all from Louisiana, so right from the get go, they had that bond going for them. Ferris was from Louisiana as well, enlisted with Bill in fact. Best friends, brothers I would say, but he doesn’t come into the story until later.

I digress. I’m pretty sure we were at their house nearly every week for the three years we all lived there together in San Diego. There was one night that Bill and Joey and Sandy taught me how to play Texas Hold’ Em on a Friday night because we thought it would be cool to play in the tournament the following morning at the casino. I won the game that night. As in a totally complete sweeping win. I took 6th in the tournament the next day. We would go to Mexico that afternoon and go shopping. You could find the coolest stuff in TJ. One thing I wish I had gotten was one of those velvet paintings of the devil sitting on the toilet. Classic stuff there, I’m telling you! I loved doing stuff with that family so much. I loved hanging out with Sandy more than doing stuff so I really enjoyed the time that I got to spend with her while the dudes were all playing in the garage. I wasn’t really interested in the music so much, but playing the music made these guys so happy. Their souls were lit up and shinning when they played.

I feel like I’m drifting on the subject, but bear with me if you can. These vines and memories all seem to blend in and twist together in my head. I can’t talk about Bill without Sandy and Ferris and Ed. They were all family. Bill and Ferris were best friends, enlisted together after 9/11 and managed to get stationed in sunny Southern California with all of us. Ferris is Godfather to Bill’s first two kids. Ed was Godfather to his youngest, and Bill was Godfather to our Little Goose. It was the best family friendships that I have had. With all of us together, it felt like home. As I understand it now, that kind of family doesn’t happen to everyone, and it’s not as common as you would hope. For a brief moment in time, it felt like the world was our oyster because we had each other.

I want to say a few months after meeting Bill and Sandy, Joey and I had gone over to their house for whatever reason, I feel like it was a workday because Sandy wasn’t there that I can recall. We had been there only a few minutes when a guy comes out of the bathroom, with a freshly shaved head, exclaiming about how awesome the new razor was, “feel my head”… (this was in reference to the Gillette Mach 3 razor). His head was super soft and smooth. This was my first meeting of Ferris.

Ferris and Bill would talk about home a lot, they would cook together and play music together. They would laugh at silly stories between them and I loved to listen to Bill tell me about how he and Sandy met. They had such a love for one another, there was no denying that. I know Joey and I looked up to them as a couple. And yes, every couple has it’s bad days, but, I can’t ever remember either of them complaining about the other. I know that I whined a lot.

After Joey and I were out of the Navy, we spent even more time with them. Bill and Joey and Ferris had great plans to build this wonderful weed empire and become growers. We were small potatoes, nah, smaller than that compared to what growers do now. One harvest was all we would grow. But it was top shelf stuff. I liked to think that because I played them techno music they were happy plants. None of that sappy sad shit that Joey wanted to play for the plants. And just like now, all of the mother plants had names. All female names, like Henrietta, Louisa, Greta, and two more that I can’t for the life of me remember the names of. But they would have been considered to be an older style of name. It was around this time that things changed for all of us. I found out I was expecting our daughter. The house that Bill and Sandy were renting was sold and they had to leave. Ed had moved in with his girlfriend. I was making very little money and Joey was getting laid off every 89 days. Talk about a shitty thing to deal with. With all of that going on, and us (Joey and I) losing money in the weed venture, things were looking bleak for us. A week or two before we left California, I want to say in July, Bill and Sandy left for Jupiter Island, Florida. Bill was going to come out to Louisiana when I had my baby, but, due to us having to deliver her a week early, it would be the last time I saw Bill.

We would talk from time to time after moving to Louisiana. Bill and I talked a lot about Joey and all the things that went wrong. I told him a lot of things that had happened and he was a ear to listen. I know it wasn’t a cool thing to do, putting him in the middle of our problems. He was a voice a reason to us both. He was the one who told me that I had to get on this new social platform called FaceBook.

The years have crept by slowly, but they were gone in the blink of any eye. Before you know it, you get to the point where your friends start dying. Many of them are divorcing as well, starting over, thinking how do I start again at this age. I know that we will all die. There is no getting out of this alive. So hold your loved ones near. Kiss them and tell them how much they mean to you. Getting old isn’t for the faint of heart, but, it’s a true gift. A long life with lots of happy memories is the best we can ask for. Our lives are short compared to the span of time. We are not made to last forever. You never know when your last day is, so be kind to one another. Take a deep breath and let it fill your lungs. If you think about it, everyday is the first day of the rest of your life. Until it’s the last day. My heart hurts so much for my family. I wish I could come and hold your hand and weep together. I wish I could be there and say goodbye. I wish we all had more time.

Bill, I couldn’t have asked for a better friend. You were a man to look up to. I will cherish the memories of those brief years we all had together. I wouldn’t trade them for the world. Rest In Peace my friend. You were such a shinning spot in all of our lives. May the next ones give us all more time together. I will think of you every time I hear Soul Meets Body. A song you said was composed perfectly in the way the instruments blended together. I will remember you.

Until next time, dear reader, thank you for indulging me tonight. Good night~ 😓❤️💔💔

A New Thing

This afternoon, while I was preparing lunch, Little Gotro came downstairs and stated that she would eat, but she was cleaning her room. How am I to stop that? She said it just got to a point where it was just too much. FINALLY!!! She has done it. Gotten to the point where it gets so bad that you have to stop everything you thought you were going to do and clean up your mess. I had to do that yesterday too, but it was more like a whirlwind named Julia came through and needed to pick up her mess.

The last more than a couple of mornings, I have managed to get up before work and do a work out. The last two days, I have run before doing the workout and I can say that I will make sure to do the workout before the running. I have been feeling like the new dose on my meds was making me not so happy. And truth be told, I was getting upset with myself because I was allowing myself to do whatever I wanted and not do anything to help keep it balanced. Since the time I thought about this, it was a blizzard out last week. Not like some snow and shit, but a real blizzard. Complete with howling high winds and snow blowing sideways making large drifts along the sides of houses and trees. It was so snowy out that our clinic was closed for a day. The roads were frozen and the temperatures were below zero. I don’t run in those kinds of conditions. But I knew that I needed to feel better so I got myself out of bed and I went downstairs and got my DVD and went back upstairs and started to do a short 24 minute workout. I’m thinking this would have been Thursday morning. (It’s now Monday afternoon, President’s Day). Got up Thursday and Friday morning to work out. I got up Saturday, Sunday and Monday to do that workout following a two mile run. Tomorrow it will be workout and then a 2 mile run.

I thought that doing the run first would be easier for me and the dog since she doesn’t have to be in here for that. She’ll be upset in the morning when she realizes that we will be going running after workout. But, for this week, we are only working on 2 miles. The goal at this time is to be able to get to run those two miles without walking, and stopping only due to the dog having to sniff or pee or take a poo. I’m ok with stopping for that but I want my body to get back to where it was a long ish time ago.

The run itself yesterday was so nice. Slow pace but I wanted to maintain the pace throughout the entire run. I was just about a full km when I had to walk due to seeing a young family with a puppy off the leash coming towards us. Then shortly behind them was an older gentleman with a dog off the leash as well, much more well behaved than mine is. But again, I don’t run by situations like this. Too many times I have had a dog charge me and The Yolandi Dog and so we are very alert while passing other animals like that. We get closer to our turnaround and there was another dog just running in the road, doing what he wanted. So we turned around. And then getting back to our neighborhood, we saw the second gentleman again and decided to not go down that road. I hit time on the watch and get the dog inside and off of her leash to see that I have .09 to hit my two mile mark. So I take off around the parking lot. I have a new fastest mile. 15:46:12 is the new record for this watch. The watch is brand new, got it on Friday. I got a Garmin of course, this is a Vivoactive 4S I think. Yup. That’s what the box says. I like how I am already getting so used to this one.

For the run today, I found it to be a little harder than the one yesterday. Again, I am pretty sure that I really should have warmed up more before running this morning and that would have made a big difference. Hindsight being what it is, I went out this morning, and I was feeling a little more stiff than I wanted to be. I could feel the shin splints wanting to come on, it was not the funnest, and yet, I was loving every moment of it! Both of my legs were hurting evenly and you have no idea how much that made me smile. You see, dear reader, when I was first starting to run after my injury, I was only getting pain in one leg for shin splits. I didn’t want to over do it. But, I wasn’t having any of those problems in the right leg. As you can see now, I am very happy about having those in both legs. They are starting on equal ground now. Not only that, I find that when I do the squats and lunges, it feels like it’s helping to stretch that leg properly as well as help it strengthen and find that balance with the other leg. You know what would be epic, I good hard massage a long bath and about 12 hours of sleep… That would be so lovely.

My new watch also tells me what my body battery is at. Since I got it and have been wearing it, my body battery has been sitting right at 5. I had it as high as 25 this morning after finally feeling like I got a restful sleep, and now it’s sitting pretty at 9. Might have been the nap I just took as well. For my afternoon snack, I went with some cold cereal. Nothing sugar coated and I didn’t add any sugar to it either. Just some almond milk and honey nut Chex. I like how crunchy they are. I would say that I’m trying to go a little bit lighter on the sugar, so I had some protein toast fro breakfast after working out, though tomorrow, I might opt for something with a little more umf to it. I had two slices of toast, one with butter the other with butter and peanut butter. For lunch, I had some crackers at my parents house and came home directly and ate my sandwich and two pickles. From there I took a nap for an hour. For my afternoon snack, I had my bowl of cereal and now, I’m eating a small bag of gummy bears. So much for working on less sugar. I’m just so hungry right now and I had a bag of gummy bears… I am ashamed 😔 I’ll get over that, don’t worry. I might have some apples in the fridge or a cucumber. Who knows at this point. I might opt for ice cream later. I have way too many of them, might combine some for a milk shake with dinner… that might be fun 🧐😎

I am working on me because I want to. Not because I feel like I need to be someone of influence or statue, but just a lady who wants to feel her best. I am not giving up coffee though! I know that I will always carry some weight on me, and that’s ok with me. Thomas loves it as it is. My best friend doesn’t think I look bad so why should I tell myself that either. I don’t look bad. But like everything other area of my life, it could always use some improvements. I am a work in progress, forever striving to be better than the woman I was yesterday. …. there went the last gummy bear…. Oh well… They were delicious!

Good night kids~

New Year’s Resolutions: Where Are They Now?

A few days ago, I had started thinking about the goals I started the year with and how am I doing with all of them. It got me thinking a lot more seriously about goals and actually obtaining and exceeding those set goals. It started as a good week and since I was starting a different position on the 30th, I began thinking about the coming month, February, and what kind of things should I think about. It came to mind that I am great at starting things and not so great at finishing any thing that I have sought out to do. So, perhaps a different approach is warranted.

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If your first way isn’t working to do something different. I gave some thought to my current goals that I have set out to work on this year. There is the 1000 miles that I am working towards. Going into this year, I knew that I wanted to set a goal that would help get my leg back to base line and hopefully getting better all the time. I have set out to spend two hours a day doing something I love and keeping my phone out of my hands. I want to play music again and I want to do the splits, both sides and front splits. I want to progress in my violin playing and take up trumpet again and one day play with the orchestra or symphony. I want to write letters and send them again, I have so many cards, might as well see if I can get rid of all of them this year.. I have 4 boxes of stationary on my desk, it’s high time I use them.

I really just love the silhouette of this tree

This brings me to where are these goals now. I’ll address each in the same order listed above. 1000 miles is a hard goal to meet. I have done it one year, and then come with 100 miles of that a few years. I really like running a lot. I really enjoy getting out and being outdoors, feeling the wind in my face. Not doing these one and two mile runs because the dog doesn’t want to go further, I can take her back and keep going to finish where I wanted. I have been running, not as much as I want, but, I caught the Rona so I’m down for a few days. I have got nearly 50 miles in thus far and my breathing is doing ok, so I’m hoping to be able to get back out there soon. I also knew that the first two months is still before I am going to start pushing myself more. I want to get back into a good running form and stuff while I still work back to baseline. I have added a few weights before going out with squats and some other stuff but, nothing too major. I just want to hit baseline stronger than I was. I know that I have nearly impossible goals for myself, but, I know I can do it. Another aspect of running that I am doing a little differently as well, is doing the run on purpose. And what I mean by that is, focusing while I’m out. Focus on my form and work to get better. The idea is to get better. I think I will be getting back to baseline in about one to two months. And the goal for this month is to up the milage by about 30 miles total. From there, I can up the miles another 30 for the month following, to be a monthly goal of 110. I like to be an overachiever. I feel like this will work for me. Will it be hard? Yes. Will it be worth it? Again, yes.

I had this all done.. And then it went into autosaving and lost the entirety of my writing. Mother fucker!!! And I can’t copy and paste without adding on some additional charges for the webpage, so, now, I’m stuck. I will get that taken care of, because, now, I’m just irritated and the joy of writing is gone. I don’t appreciate my internet going out as often as it does at the worst times possible.

Long story short, I haven’t gotten as far as any of my goals as I wanted. I’m still working on it, but, there is a lot to do and I’m working on it. I’m so mad right now. Just mad I lost all of it.. Hold please, I’ll be right back.

4 Days Later…

Let’s try this again… And inhale compassion….. Exhale the bullshit….. When I started the year, I had thought about trying to give up having social media altogether. I was good for about two weeks. So, it’s now the first full week of February. Then I saw a goal of spending two hours a day to something I wanted to do, something that I loved. I have managed to get some sewing done. I have spent a lot of time in the last week on my phone, but, now that I’m back to work, I don’t spend a whole lot of time on it durning the day. I have been writing. I have loved writing. Or it could be that I love listening to my writing playlist 🧐. I have written letters, and I have been reading. Like reading an actual book. This month my sisters and mom are reading Fight Like A Girl by Kate Germano with Kelly Kennedy. It’s a good book, but, after working in the Auxiliary Division in Engineering on two different ships, being the only female on my second ship for a while, I understand all too well what she is talking about. It boils my blood to know that it’s not just me, and I hate that it continues. I need to bring it back… Breathe…. I spent one evening researching how to self publish my book. I think I can do it, but, I have no idea how many to order. Can you, dear reader, give me some feedback: Would you be interested in a book about what to do when someone dies? Like go read the letter in my desk when I’m gone kind of thing. It a workbook that you get to fill in the blanks. It’s designed for those who don’t have a ton of money to shell out for a trust or have a will drawn up. You can write your own obituary even. But there is a ton of stuff to know that many don’t think about. Please, do me a kindness and let me know what you think about it.

Another fun one on the goal list of the year, doing the splits. That would require that I get my head out of my ass and do the stretches daily. Somehow I have yet to be able to do that this month. I have done some stretches last month, I don’t know if I logged them as such, but, I did do a lot more stretching than I have done since I first started. Some of the stretches are hard and it may take a while for me to be able to do this. I still want to try and do it. I know I can, it’s just a matter of doing it. What is so hard about stretching that makes me dread it so? Is it because I know that it will help my range of motion and allow me to maintain and increase both flexibility and stamina while running? Is it because I know that it takes time and I want to have results in three days? I wonder if it’s because the journey down will take to me to a new realm of thinking and change will happen? What kind of change would it bring? Good change or bad change, it does not matter for me, I am terrified of change. I don’t have a good answer as to why. I trust things will always work out, and they do. So many questions to ask myself…. Am I really scared of success??? Everything I want is on the other side of fear. I have to let go of fears and relax. It’s going to work out better than I can dream…

I want to play music again. I have always loved how music feels. Classical music is by far one of my more favorites due to the richness of the instruments. So many of them intertwined with one another. They tell such a story, it makes my heart feel so much. I have a violin. I took some lessons a few years ago. It’s chilling in the cabinet right now. I have sheet music for my shiny new trumpet, that silver beauty that shines like glitter in the sunlight.. Actually, it’s more like a mirror and will blind you if aimed just right. That trumpet is living under my bed right now. My music stand in the corner, just waiting to be pulled out and set up and used. I’m sure both of my instruments at this point are more of a novelty, but everything in me says that I need to pick them both up and use them. It’s what they are there for. As for being able to play with an ensemble, that, I don’t know. I would like to think that it would be such a fun challenge. I would actually have to practice and I don’t want to let others down when it comes to that kind of thing, I’m not ready….. Let’s just see how it goes for the next month. I would like to log at least a few hours of practice for both of them. Five would be a good goal I think. A doable goal that I can reach. Let’s see shall we.

At home this week with the Rona with the family

The last one listed is writing more letters and sending them. I wasn’t lying when I said that I have 4 boxes of cards to send. Most of them are blank inside, but, if they have writing in them, I just cross it out and keep writing. I have managed to get a few letters/cards out in the mail. I am hoping to get some more done this week. It’s not that I don’t like mailing things, I just don’t always do what I know I should. Remember I’ve Been Meaning To Write… Yeah, I have been writing. I am using my new cards right now. They are getting all sorts of stamps. One box, I think it’s the succulent ones, I already put stamps on them, so now I feel like I really should use those. I like my handwriting, and it’s nice to get a letter in the mail. I have been using my postcards as well, sending those to my niece. She’s so darn cute, only 5.. Adorable little girl. I am looking forward to checking in on my goals in a month.

There are other little things that I would like to do, like color my giant turtle poster. I have new crayons and I never share them, I thought I might as well use them. And coloring is fun. There have been days when the three of us would sit on our bed and color for the evening while listening to cool tunes, enjoying the time together. I do like when we spend our time together. We have been watching Game of Thrones again. Love that show ❤️ Thomas is actually upstairs watching the last two episodes of season two. The Battle of the Blackwater and another one, I don’t remember what it was. I feel like there is so much of that show that I have missed since I haven’t seen all of the episodes and if I have, it was nearly a decade ago that I watched season one and two. I really loved the Red Witch. She was so unlikeable. I thought she was beautiful. Scary as can be and beautiful. Anyhow, the point is that I am trying to spend time with the family more and be present when I am. I am a work in progress, for sure. I have a few projects that I want to work on as well and I will work on those this week. They require a lot of patience and I’m not there today. I think I will be tomorrow. (You guessed it, hats and my video for our company.)

Tomorrow will be a run day. Time to get going on the pavement again. I do love being outside in the weather, I really dislike being in the wind though. Today was a very windy day. I wouldn’t call it blustery, those days have a certain feel to them and I didn’t get that feeling so, not a blustery day, but windy. Soon it will be wind season and I will have no choice. Perhaps I should make myself a headband to keep my ears warm, but let my head breathe 🧐Another project to add to the many.. Ugh!!

Goodnight kids, sleep well, peace ~

Another Failed Attempt

Well, you guessed it dear reader, today was another failed attempt to run around the lake today for my loop of 4.45 miles. I thought it was going to be a great run, I had looked forward to it all day. Planned my eating around it and everything and yet, it didn’t happen like I thought it would. What went wrong?

If I’m being honest with myself, I supposed I would have to say that it began to go wrong yesterday when the muscle was over stretched and is still sore from it today. Most likely caused from doing back to back runs, one evening and the following morning, in the snow and ice with my Yak-Trax’s on. I wouldn’t have been able to run at all without them those two days. They tend to mess with the knees, but I can feel it in the muscle today. I tried to rub it out and stretch it so it didn’t hurt and the result is just feeling angry with myself for not listening to my body when I should have. And the worst part about it is I was starting to feel like I was making progress with recovery. Stupid snow!! And while the weeks have certainly flown past these last five months, I am ready to put myself in a position to start to push myself to do better.

The last two runs that I did get in, except for today, I have made sure to put more effort into the run. I have always relied on just doing my own thing and never pushing myself to get better. I don’t try super hard and once in a while I actually try and then blow my mind. I haven’t worked on this aspect of running, trying to do better, since Vanessa stopped running with me. And this isn’t to blame her in any way, but, I admit I was glad to have some one pushing me to go harder and keep going longer. You can do it, kind of a cheerleader.

I have gotten complacent in my running. I am still trying to convince myself that I work hard when I go out, but, I don’t. I allow the dog to stop and sniff a lot of times. I also walk a lot more than I used to. I have a few goals within my goals for running this year. I want to get better and run for longer distances. I want to run a 10k without walking. That’s one goal for the year. I know I have it in me, I’ve done it before, but, I usually stop running about mile 5. I have been able to run 5 miles in an hour before as well. So, there you have two good goals for the year.

But it’s not just my running that I have been complacent in. Work is a totally different thing for my brain. That’s where the money comes from so I don’t like to feel that way at work at all. But, I’m talking about life. In doing things and completing tasks once in a while. I can say that I’m pretty good at a good number of things, but, I don’t really apply myself to anything except for work. I have so many goals and I often wonder if I will ever hit a goal. I want to play my trumpet and I want to be in the local symphony. I want to finish the paint by numbers I’ve had since 2006. I want to publish my book. I want to do the splits. I want to learn and teach yoga. I want to do massage again. I want to learn to play the violin I bought 5 years ago. With all of these things that I want to do, it seems that being able to put my phone down for any length of time would be a good thing. I have done pretty good with my two hour rule that I have tried to stick with. Must put the phone down for two hours and do something that makes my heart happy. This last week, I have loved sitting on the couch and watching a movie with the family.

I need to have a running partner. I wish my husband would run with me, but, I already run when he’s walking so I don’t know if that’s going to be a thing. He’s already said no. He’s done running for the fun of it. At least a group setting would get me going in the right direction. I loved having Kelsie with me, she was good at pushing me to do better though I could have done a lot better 90% of the time. However, Kelsie has moved away from me so we aren’t as close now. I wish I could get Piper to go with me. But more than just go with me, maybe have fun with it and enjoy it enough that we could do it a lot. Sara would run with me, but she lives in Snowflake which does put a damper on this for us. I thought Hanna would, but, that’s not the case now either. I think I’m out of ideas for people to run with.

Another storm is looming on the horizon. It began as a beautiful sunny bright clear day and now the clouds have moved back in and the sky is getting darker gray by the hour. The school district has already delayed the start of school tomorrow for 2 hours to get things cleared for school tomorrow. I won’t have a snow day, but, that’s ok. Not going to go run it either though, so it looks like it’s going to be a weights kind of day instead.

For today’s run, I set out to do the loop. I wanted to go my 4.5 miles and get that feeling going. What actually happened was I got about .75 miles into and the running was making my leg feel like the muscle behind the knee was popping, like my joint would. We turned around at about mile 1.1 and tried to run more and ended up walking home instead. I figured that since I was going to walk with Vanessa, it’s not going to be a totally wasted run. So, I went home. I wouldn’t say that today was a failure. Perhaps I can call it a failed attempt to do all of the miles, but, the attempt was made and miles were done. So, not a failure, it was just much shorter than planned. A change of plans.

I’ve Been Meaning To Write…

Normally, I would make this about writing here for you, dear reader however, that’s not the case today. For the last few days and weeks, I’ve been thinking about my older sister and how I need to send her a letter, since I didn’t have her number anymore and she hadn’t sent me anything stating that she changed her number. It was a first for me. I knew she changed her number when I text her about a month, two months ago and the text message color went green (we all have iPhones). I have looked at my desk repeatedly seeing the stack of stationary that I haven’t touched in more than a year, and say to myself, you need to write to your sister. And everyday I found another excuse to put it off. I have gone so far as to check the obituaries in her local newspaper and with great relief she’s not there. Not a peep that I can find. She left social media and didn’t want to be contacted. I miss her. She has the amazing smile and laugh. And she’s beautiful.

No, she didn’t die. Last night I got a phone call from my mom telling me that, said sisters’ husband was found dead that morning. His 49th birthday. They have no clue how to get in touch with her. So, they – my parents – call the local police station in her hometown, give the address and have them do a welfare check. She was able to call my dad, but she was in so much pain they had to call an ambulance to take her to the hospital. This was in the span of about an hour.

Little sister, Jeff, oldest sister, my mom

Once again I had to tell my daughter of another person she knew had passed. Those conversations hurt so much. And there is no nice way to tell her this. No easy way to say it and give her any sense of peace. She was little when they moved across the country, it was in 2014 if I’m not mistaken.. I could be, but that would make her, 8. Such a cute sweet thing. She is still cute and sweet, she’s just older. And since she was 11 I’ve had to tell her of all the deaths in her life. Twice this year. I think growing up I had a year with 4, but I can only recall 3, so who knows.

All this time, it’s going through my head, I’ve been meaning to write. I have been meaning to write, and I have no excuse that I can give you other than I just didn’t do it. Made me think that old saying the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

My sister and her husband were still married as well, though they have been apart for more than two years. I hadn’t seen him since June of last year. I used to message him every once in a while and again, I just haven’t done it lately. They had been together since 1997? 1998? I remember first seeing a photo of him and baby Mason. He had pink hair. When I joined the Navy, I couldn’t get my tongue ring out and there is another photo of him using pliers to unscrew the ball so I wasn’t sent back from boot camp. They went through a lot together. He’s been there my entire adult life. I used to call him brother and not by his name. And he was a smart guy. Before I got out of the navy, I talked to them both on the phone at great lengths. And the time they visited me in California, we went to Mexico and got one of those old time photos together. I had just got my 2005 mustang. Like the day before. Had less than 200 miles on it. And it was a fast car.

I didn’t cry at first last night. In fact I didn’t really cry at all, I was more in shock than anything else. This morning I began crying. I told my boss this morning when I got in about it so he was aware of it. I came home early. As soon as I crawled back in bed with my husband, I began to cry. At this time, I don’t know any more than what I have shared. She is still his next of kin and that’s all that I do know. I really do miss her. I will be writing to her. 😔😭

UPDATE:

It’s now been about 3 weeks since Jeff passed. Today in Prescott, his best friend is doing a celebration of life. I didn’t go. I will be in March when they have the one with the family. I will get to meet my nephews as men and my nieces as women. Young, but adults. I will get to see Mason again. He has his moms smile. She has a great smile.

UPDATE TWO:

It’s been just over two months. I still find myself looking at his photo in Snapchat and thinking about how much it hurt to stop talking to him and cut him out completely because I had been made to feel guilty of having a friendship with my sister’s ex. He was a good guy.

Are You Running?

About two or three weeks ago, I read on RunnersWorld on Instagram a story about a woman who had done a marathon and documented it but she had never done any race ever and she was overweight and she walked the whole thing. I liked the story because I like to see the good in the world and see that people are able to do amazing things when they commit to it. Will she do another race? Will this be her thing? I wanted her to proud of herself as I myself have been able to do (not all of the time, but I have felt so good that I felt like my insides were going to burst from the light that wanted to get out. Like a statue breaking from within, that ever elusive runner’s high. That’s amazing!) and I wanted that for her.

Since I have taken up running long distance running, I have found an amazing group of people who cheer you on and inspire you to be better and work harder. I had yet to see anyone be nasty to another in this regards. So imagine my surprise when I looked and found that there are many who took issue with the particular article. The majority of it being, she shouldn’t be featured in this post because she didn’t run any of it. I have read this thread and oh my goodness gracious! They hated that she ate while she walked, and anyone could walk 26.2 miles was another of my favorite remarks.

Taken back doesn’t begin to adequately describe what I am feeling about this. Shocked. Hurt I think is a better word for it. I took offense to some of the comments because while I have not walked an entire marathon, I did sign up for a 30 mile walk in a day. Holy motherfucking hell!!! I would rather not ever do that again. I have to be able to run some of it for me to consider doing it. Like the first 15 miles. It seemed like it was uphill the entire way, but I can assure you, dear reader, that I have run that road and it’s uphill both ways. It was the comment that stated if you have to walk during your runs, you’re not a real runner that was particularly hurtful to me. I’m not her and I don’t know the back story any more than what was featured in this article. But it nearly took my breath away to see that in black and white.

I am not an elite runner. I never will be. I would like to do a marathon in less than 6 hours, but, that’s a lot more work than what I want to do right now. I am nursing a injured leg and have to make sure that when it starts to have that twinge that I have to begin walking. I was never a long distance runner, but, I love the miles.

It took me back to another group long ago, 7? 8? 9 years? Not too sure, 2020 feels like it was 7 years ago and I am shocked to see how much has changed in that time. I have been lucky enough now, in this time, to see Leslie Jones hosting the Daily Show. Oh I like her a lot!! She’s brilliant. More Leslie Jones!!! I digress. It was group of veterans and there were many on there and one day, I came across a post that said if you didn’t have an honorable discharge, you can’t call yourself a real veteran.

OK. First of all, who died and left these people Ed McManhon? Do they think this will invalidate their accomplishment because an overweight woman walked a marathon? I did get one comment back that said it was a page dedicated to running and while they chose to write about this one person, they didn’t highlight that another women broke a running record? I was more impressed with this comment. It gave a different solution to what was a perceived problem. It really broke my heart to see this. It was then that they started to get super petty. Like fucking Karen, can I talk to your manager petty. One woman went onto another profile and started throwing shade at her for her posts that didn’t have anything about running on it. Whoa! Fucking call the manager for being that childish. I wanted to say something to them both. Did you know that famed runner and author, mentor and coach, Jeff Galloway has a running walk method for different distances? He’s set records and he walks part of it, is he know magically not a runner because he walks for a part of it?

The sun goes down. The water is near to the dock again

I thought about these things for my run today. Yes, I walked some of it. Largely in part to the amount of ice that I dodged so I wouldn’t fall down and break my crown 👑 But that muscle, it tells me when it’s time to stop running and walk for a bit. I remember turning onto Larson Road and thinking what gives these people the right to say that you aren’t good enough to be featured in any article on the internet? For fucks’s sake, grow up people. Your small mindedness is really ugly and no matter who you are, once that stink gets on you, it’s a lot like the smell of desperation. It’s a hard one to get off. It turns you ugly. The audacity of people on the internet is overwhelming sometimes.

It was coming up on to mile three when this was really something that was bothering me. Just made me so angry. I set records when I was young, in junior higher running. Actual school records, I was a sprinter. I’m still very proud of that. Why? Because I was always looked at funny when I told others I was a sprinter. “You don’t look like a runner, let alone a sprinter” is what I would hear as they looked me up and down. I was a chunky kid. I’m still thick. I love my curves right now. But tomorrow is a new day and as I get a bit older, I am starting to notice things hurting more than they used to and I take a bit longer to heal than I used to.

At this point in my running, if I have to walk, I’m going to walk. I have to listen to my leg now, I have no desire to re-injure myself. I guess if I don’t run the entire time, then I’m not a runner. And I guess if a real veteran has to have an honorable discharge, then I’m just not a real veteran… I have busted my ass to be able to call myself both of those thing. These opinions are stupid and full of bullshit. This does not invalidate an elite runners accomplishment. This does not invalidate a person who served in a time of war in a theater of war. We were on the offensive side of that war. I worked hard to be where I am and I simply refuse to let others opinions of bring me down. I feel like this kind of thinking proves my little sisters theory that some people just don’t have the sense that god gave lemons.

I got home from my run dn thought about this some more. I know I shouldn’t let it get to me. I know I should just drop the whole thing and keep going and smile, but I feel like I am sick to death of smiling and letting others tell me what they think I should or should not be. This is a subjective opinion piece on a runners page. We aren’t talking about, the Supreme Court did what again? Or the war in Ukraine. Or any group of facts strung together. This is a sport. Some are elite. Others just can’t live without it. If you consider that in 5 years this woman will still be able to say I walked a full marathon and I can do fill in the blank, so can you. I would rather hold someone up as the cross the finish line than worry about a PR. We are a herd. You take care of each other in a herd. The miles are all the same, no matter how long it took you to get to the finish line.

For the majority of the runners that I have met, I have yet to meet anyone who has said anything like this. So I am lucky in that regard. But, I am also glad that I chose to help others and build them up instead of tearing an accomplishment apart because it doesn’t match someone’s image of what a runner should look like.

I am tired now. I ran hard and I am so grateful for the ability to do my best. I have been pushing myself and I can start to feel some of the good from my efforts. Why, you may wonder. Am I trying to lose weight? Umm.. 😂No. I want to at myself in the mirror, naked and be proud of what this body has been able to do and has been able to overcome to get where I am now. Where am I now? I am able to run again, and working on getting my leg stronger. I was born with a twisted hip and as a result I had to wear special shoes – think ‘magic shoes’ from Forrest Gump – and I have injured that same leg again and again. Most recently, you may remember dear reader, the tear in rectus femoris on September 3rd. I was down for weeks, and had a hard time walking two weeks later. I was lucky enough that I didn’t need surgery. I don’t want to hurt myself. I am getting up and doing it and not only getting out and doing it, but, putting a lot more effort and focus into running than I have ever done before. And that includes running track for three or four years. I want to make a comeback and be better than I was before. I would love to have a running parter. I have been lucky enough to have had two woman running partners whom I love dearly. Now it’s just me and The Yolandi Dog and my thoughts. The buddy was the one who helped you push yourself harder. Never had a faster pace than when Vanessa and I were able to run regularly. And she was way faster than I was. Now we walk instead. I like that we can focus more on the conversation than what I was able to do while running. I could focus on what she was saying, but me trying to run and talk at the same time is not something I can do very well. I want to be strong and leaner.

And with that thought, I must finish a few other projects. Look out for two more posts tonight 😎🤩😘

Thinking About War

It’s currently raining at my house, but, I can’t hear it outside my windows. Instead I have put on 9 hours of rain storm on black screen and lite candles, one wood wick candle and two others. I am starting to see a lot of military stuff come up in my feed in Facebook and on Instagram. Many people I served with put some of their proudest moments as their profile picture in honor of Veteran’s Day. A true holiday that I take off, no matter if I’m working at a store, in an office, in a bank, and now working for the feds again, at the local VA clinic. For the two last ones, I already get that day off even when the day falls on a weekend. So, yay me.

That’s me and my parents after graduating boot camp August 2001

I wanted to go for a run this afternoon, but the gale force winds from today really killed it for me. I remember last year, when I was cleared to run again after surgery, I had a really hard time getting up to go run at 5 in the winter time in the cold mornings. This year, I have a new headlamp that I bought and of course my Noxgear lights for both myself and the Yolandi Dog. I try to stay visible and make sure to not have the music on too loud and pay attention and all of that good jazz, but, I got into a talk with my husband about a story I read on our company website and I didn’t go run.

Now this website will feature human interest stories as well as informational things being passed down from the director himself. This afternoon, I flipped over to that page and there was a story that got a great discussion going between Thomas and I. A gentleman was turning 102 and he was talking about his time serving in the US Navy. During WWII. In the Pacific theater, the South Pacific. During Guadalacanal. On the USS Chicago.

Many may not know about this battle, though, I hope that many are curious enough to want to learn about our nations history, this was a battle where things didn’t go well for us at all. The USS Chicago is now 3 miles under the waves there. The story grabbed my by the gut and I had a hard time not getting all teary eyed. He’s lived a long life, had a good sailing career, survived in the ocean at night during a major naval battle. I can’t imagine how scared one must be in that situation.

Gotro came outside to talk to us and we began to talk to her about this story and about this man and then we got into the battle strategy and how we were just not prepared for what they knew and what we didn’t know. I have read books about these kinds of things. One was called Into The Depths, about the USS Indianapolis and how he had survived in the open ocean for three days, floating not in a life boat. He talked about hearing the men scream from being attacked and eaten by the sharks, because make no mistakes, they are out there in the ocean, and they will eat you, if they can, if you’re bleeding and broken and can’t move fast. You’re a sitting duck in that case. I digress.

When we got inside, we had dinner together and watched a really cute Christmas movie. Well, Gotro and I watched it, Thomas was asleep very quickly into the movie. After it was over, she went upstairs to her room and I put a movie on to help him sleep a while. I put on Saving Private Ryan. Ordinarily, I would put something on like a documentary of a battle or history of the pyramids or whatever. But I put this movie on knowing that he will sleep very soundly to that movie. For the first time, I was able to get through watching the first 30 minutes. So much blood on that beach, so many men who lost their lives before they even made it onto the shore and further up it. It was a horrifying site and I watched it. I forced myself to do so. Everyone who comes to my office for help, be it man and woman is a Veteran. Many of them are Veterans from wars and have seen combat, have been in hand to hand combat, and have had to kill others in order to survive. I watched the part at the very beginning where Tom Hanks’ character is stunned from something going off in his ear and he stops and looks around for a moment while still on the actual beach, but not quite out of the water yet. I feel that when I am told some stories about being in combat.

It’s rare that I have a WWII Veteran come in, but when I do, I feel like I hit the lottery just getting to talk to them, even if it’s a brief encounter to help them with checking in for an appointment. I love to see them, there aren’t a lot of them left these days. Following that, there is a large population of Vietnam Veterans. I have a few favorites, but, that’s because I have known them for a very long time. One I know from when I started working, he knows my parents as well. He was so proud of me when I told him I was going into the navy, and I feel so lucky to get to talk to him now. One I met while working at the bank, he’s a Korean War Veteran. I call that a forgotten war, thus forgotten soldiers. There are fewer of them around than what I would like, but, our bodies don’t live forever. They are designed to give out. But the stories that they have, wow. I will always sit and listen to what they have to say, even if I am still working on something else while they are talking to me. I love them all. Even the ones who truly are grumpy old men. But, I have a great deal of respect for them all as well. They all said at one point, I am willing to go into a war I may or may not agree with, and die for the freedoms that we are all able to enjoy here in America.

Every one of them is fighting their own battles with their bodies, and their minds now. They are old and they are young. Many have seen things they cannot share with others out of fear. Many, myself and my husband included, feel that the civilian life doesn’t make sense. There is no certainties with it. You don’t stay until the job is finished in many places, you stay until it’s time to go home. You never really understand how your job makes a difference to the company mission. It’s hard to talk to people who haven’t been in the service. They don’t always get it. My stories intimidate the fuck out of men. Specifically men, yes.

I don’t know if I will run on Friday in time to get home and see Silas before he goes back to his dads house, and I don’t know if I will remember to stretch. Following an appointment, I’m going to see two of my sisters. I’m not staying the night, Gotro has a school function to go to on Saturday morning, so we have to be back anyways. But I will think of the Veterans that I love. The ones that were on my first ship, the ones that were in boot camp. The ones that were with me in A school and C school. The ones from my last ship. The ones who I really disliked, the ones who hurt me, and every other one of them. They are my people. I am going to aim for 3 miles. I can do it. A 5k for my own Veteran’s Day celebration.

Update 15Nov

Turns out I did not get my run in. I did my 5k yesterday. I’m still getting shin splints in the one foot but I’m pretty sure that it’s from not getting full extension on my left foot as it’s going through the movements. And perhaps my heel strike. Could be it’s because it’s still trying to mend itself. 🧐🧐🧐 ……. Nah!

As I was getting ready to go to the valley, I got a text from my little sister asking if I wanted to go to the Elton John concert that night. Yes. So we went and watched the concert. Wow. Does he ever put on a show!! It was amazing. I am saddened a great deal when I think of why I got the tickets- friend was admitted to the hospital. More like a sister than a friend rather. She’s doing better now but that was a frightening thing.

I am wanting to go run on a regular basis. Right now I find it so hard to go do it. It kills me to not go outside and run but at the same time I am not loving the muscle tightness and it’s cold. I’m stalling and it will likely win today. That’s ok. It happens. Until next time, dear reader 🙃

A Slow Comeback

This week, I had two appointments in regards to my injury. The first was to my PT. He said that it would be ok if I added some light jogging into the walks as long as it’s not hurting. He gave me advice on posture and how to walk with less pain in my lower back.

The following day, I saw the ortho. He was pleased with the progress so far and we talked about the different exercises that I have been doing and he was happy for me that I was able to start to work my way back to eventually running again.

That was Tuesday and Wednesday, respectively. Yesterday, being Friday, I took myself for a test drive. I have been meaning to be upping the distances that I walk, but this week hasn’t seen much of anything. Not even a day or two on the bag. I digress, I was so excited to be outside and moving slightly faster than what I have been doing. I could feel the tightness in the back of my thigh, and just focused on keeping it slow, and not running too much. Didn’t want to hurt myself only a few days after being told I could do this. It was such a lovely evening. The lake and the clouds were stunning. And I can’t say if I like the black and white ones better than colored ones or not. Each brings much to the table. The colored ones are bright and the colors simply glow and fade into one another. The black and white ones have so much more detail in every aspect of it. And since it’s fall outside, the colors are changing and starting to look so damn amazing.

This morning, I got up and saw what the sky was doing and got dressed with a quickness to get out there to get a photo of the sunrise. It was well worth it. I can tell that I was less strong today in the run, as well as tired. I could feel my leg hitting the ground but that tightness is still there. I can foresee a lot of stretching in my future. Both days, I did do at least 30 minutes of stretching following the runs. I just want to take a nap now too….. I think a good strategy in life that I have recently read about is defineing success by how many naps I take in a week and how many times I was able to say no and keep my boundaries. What a fabulous idea!! That is the life I will aspire to!

My leg felt heavier today than it did last night. When I left the house last night, I had put on my happy music and took long steps and smiled and just felt so good. This morning I put on the music but the shorter, more tired and relaxed steps were happening. I knew I was overdressed within a half mile too. I was sweating already. Which is fine, I like that, just not if I don’t have to.

My reward for the day is going to be taking myself out on a date with the family to go see a movie. I’m super stoked to go see it because I didn’t think that it was going to come up here at all. Clerks III is playing and I can’t wait to go see it. I really love the movies that Kevin Smith has made thus far and so I’m pretty excited about this one too. And it’s got the return of Jay and Silent Bob. I dig those dudes.

Anyhow, it’s time to do other stuff before I go play. Like eat dinner or something. 😁😎

Oh bed! I love you. Let’s sleep together

Running As A Woman

In the years that I have been running, I think seven now, I have had to read about female after female after female who went out for a run and never came back. The headlines were recently ablaze with the news of runner Eliza Fletcher in Memphis, Tennessee. The story is not far from other women who went out for their run, sometimes trying to decompress after a long day and sometimes first thing in the morning. They are approached and then gone. The running community does our best to try to understand it and we hope that they will be alive, but the all too familiar grim reality is that she isn’t coming home again.

The first time I really remember hearing about it the dangers of going out as a woman, I was young, almost 13 in fact. It was 1992, in September. Living in the mountains as I did growing up, and even living there now, news from Phoenix seemed like it’s from a whole other world. But I can remember it vividly. A woman’s body was found by a runner in the early morning hours. She had gone out on a bike ride down by the canal. And then a few days later, they found her head. Ten months later, another young girl went out for her bike ride down by the canal, and she was found in the canal, headless. Just like before. And to get off on a tangent for moment, if I may, dear reader, after 20 years, they have just made an arrest after a DNA test confirmed the identity of a man who police say is responsible for both of these crimes (I say just, it was in July they made an arrest). He is 42 years old. That’s my age. This is to imply that a kid is the one who did this. It’s something that makes it all the more grotesque and horrible.

The conversation all remains the same when this happens. Women all over the internet, from running groups asking the same question; what do we do to protect ourselves? The issue I have with that is that you’re placing the blame of these attacks on the women who never come home. Was she asking for it because she was alone, wearing clothes, or listening to music, doing what made her happy? The problem isn’t what should she do different, the problem lies with men who attack women. I’m shocked that it’s seems like such a foreign idea to teach men not to attack others.

The day of my injury (I tore my hamstring. It really hurt.) was the day after Eliza went missing. I have longed to run for her, to finish her run for her, to let my heart ache with the knowledge that this doesn’t have to happen. I think I’m a lucky person because I run with my dog and other things. I wanted to support this because it’s something that I have to worry about.

There are PSA commercials about this now to try to bring some light and understanding to the topic. Or so I thought there have been. I was sure one of the companies that I follow on Instagram had put out an amazing ad where they followed different females running in the dark and they are reading their inner thoughts. About everything, how much our safety comes to mind and how much do we really think about things like that. I was sure that it was done by Noxgear.com but I can’t find it anywhere under any keywords, so, guess I was wrong. The point is this. It’s not something that is an unknown thing. We know all too well that far too many women go out for a run and never come home. They never get to finish their day.

My husband wants me to carry a firearm while I run. Should we carry a firearm while we run? Should we not run in the morning, should we not run at night? I run with my dog, pepper spray and a knife. I also get to wonder if the dog poop that I’m carrying is going to make a good deterrent to would be attackers. Will I carry a firearm while running? I don’t know if I’m there yet. I’m considering it for sure, but, then I think about the weight from everything else that I already carry, if the spray and knife and dog shit don’t keep them away, are they really going to stop if I pull out a firearm? It’s likely that they would, but, then I sit and question why do I have to take so many mother fucking things with me just to stay safe while I go run?

I will acknowledge that it’s not all men who are the problem. It’s those few out there who just don’t respect women in general just because she is a woman. She is subservient to man. If she does something he likes, he will let her know, and if she does something that displeases him, he will let her know. And if she should say no to him, he will announce his presence with authority. …. I have to say, I had finished this whole post and since I forgot to refresh the browser, I lost the last half of it.. Dammit. I hope this is as good as what I had the first time… I digress.

It gives way to the question that seems to elude me. What is it about the word no that so many don’t seem to understand? If you ask her out and she says no, that’s ok. Accept that she said no and move on. Defeat is a part of life and so is being told no. She doesn’t have to have a reason to say no either. Here is her reason, she said no. That’s it. That’s the whole reason. Learn to accept this, it’s part of life. Life is unfair, get used to it now. Women already know this. This is a man’s dominated world, and we have grown up in it. We know that it’s unfair. We feel this a lot. You need to understand that as well.

On any given morning run, I have my dog, my pepper spray, knife, and water. I have to be aware of my surroundings, as I live in the mountains and there are animals out there. I have to be aware of the driver coming at me with his brights on to see me better, I have to be aware of snowplows and blizzards. But I have to be even more aware because I am always wondering is today the day I have to defend myself? Is this the day where my life is in jeopardy and I have to fight for it? It’s not fair that Eliza didn’t come home. It’s not fair that Mollie Tippetts didn’t come home. It’s not fair that any of the many other women who went out for a run and didn’t come home. They deserved to finish that day. They deserved to be able to go out for a run and live. They all deserved a better ending than that. The running community is a large group and we feel this when it happens. It ripples through all of us.

The first time that I really felt that rippIe, I had only been running for a year or two and Mollie Tippetts went missing. I was so angry and hurt over it. I remember the rage flowing through me morning after morning going out and running, feeling furious about it all. That feeling is there every time I hear about a woman who went for a run and didn’t come home. How dare he think this was ok?! And the sad news is that Eliza wasn’t the first, and she’s not going to be the last either.

Years later, I still feel the same rage, though at this point I have been unable to do any running in Eliza’s honor. That torn hamstring is a real pain in the ass. I want to though. I want to go out and finish her run. I want to finish all of the runs of the ones who went out and didn’t come home. It’s so horribly unfair, and yet it’s going to happen again. Why is that? No woman goes out for a run, that I know of at least, looking to get kidnapped with a slew of possible outcomes to that one. What is it about her saying no? I really just don’t understand it.

I know so many men who would say that not all men are like that and they are absolutely right. And so, dear reader, if you’re still with me, I will ask of you and these men who are not the ones attacking women to please, please teach others about this. Teach your sons and your sons’ friends, and young men and old men and all of your friends and your neighbors, as well as your coworkers this; She just wants to go for a run and be left the fuck alone. She doesn’t want to hear you jeering at her about how she would be pretty if she was smiling, or if what she’s wearing is pleasing or not to you. No, it’s not being friendly, it’s being a creep. She can wear whatever she likes and that’s perfectly ok without you having to interject your opinion of it. Let her finish her run and go home. And don’t be the asshole who says oh she lead me on because she talked to you. She deserves to be able to say no without reason or cause to your advancements.

I feel much like a broken record about now. If the sport is such a danger, why do I still go out? Because I refuse to let them win. I will not bow down and be afraid to go out and run. If I have to defend myself, then I take that chance. With so much good that comes out of the running, I will take that chance and so will others and we will not go quietly into the night. We will run together and we will make our voices heard.