Wednesday Appointment: Pulmunologist

Today I get to go take a little trip to Flagstaff to go see a doctor. Let’s rewind a bit so you can see how I got to this point.

On Christmas Eve last year, I started to get sick. The next evening I was dying. I had a hard time focusing enough to get through dinner and my biggest worry was I hope I don’t get everyone else sick too. It got bad enough that after two weeks of feeling super shitty, I went to urgent care. Two ear infections and bronchitis. She said if the wheezing didn’t stop to come back and see her. I didn’t. Instead I waited four months to go see my PCP.

Now my PCP is currently on deployment in a place near the equator. I can’t spell it. I write to him once a month because he’s also a friend that I work with and deployment is long and tiring… I need to reply to his email… anyhow I’m seeing the clinic CMO or Chief Medical Officer. He calls me about a week or so before my appointment and wants me to do a chest CT and a pulmonary function test (PFT). I was able to get to chest CT done before my appointment. And labs done but that’s nothing exciting to hear about, because my labs say I’m super healthy. Yay. Took another week before I could get my PFT done. Once he got that information I got called back to his office to have him talk about the results. And the results say I have asthma and shitty lungs. He sending me to a specialist, a pulmonologist.

I don’t claim to know much of what I hear when talking to the RNs and our NP about medical conditions and things of that nature. I didn’t go into medicine, I went into massage. We didn’t go over didn’t diseases and things to help them. All I could get from them is I should be on some kind of daily treatment plan to help mitigate my problems. So far I’ve been using a thing with my inhaler before I go run. Seems to help a great deal. The appointment today is supposed to help clear up some confusion. My confusion. Like are the results of these tests so bad I need to see a specialist? Dear me.

I have zero idea what to expect but I suspect it’ll be far less invasive than going to the OB/gyn. Hooray for small miracles. I do know that my appointment will take at least an hour. I don’t know what they will do or things they will want to know about. Likely they will want to know that I use medical marijuana and have for I don’t know, the last 20 years. I’ve had an Rx for it to be clear. Yes. The whole time. Except when I lived in Louisiana and before it became legal in Arizona. Might be a good time to stop smoking but it’s the fastest relief to much of my anxiety and I don’t like having to wait for medication to kick in. We shall see. She will likely also want to know that I sit on the back smoke deck while everyone else smokes cigarettes. Ewww. I’m good without those. But I admit I do take a drag every so often. Super stress calls for it from time to time. And years go by between.

I have asked myself if I’m nervous about seeing the doctor today. Yes is my answer. I am nervous about it. I just lost two uncles to cancer, both of them served on active duty onboard ships in the 60s. Uncle Kenny was on the Bonham Richard (CV something). Watching the LHD with the same name go up in smoke just gutted him. It’s the name you see. It gutted me and I cried when I saw that ship go up in smoke. It’s the same platform as the Boxer. The last time I did an appointment with comp & pen I discovered I have a warning label on my medical record stating that I have been highly exposed to asbestos and I’m at a much higher risk with lung issues. This is what worries me. Mesothelioma is what scares me. That and them finding out there really was something on the ship that was giving everyone in berthing serious migraines.

Without having ever been to a specialist I have no idea what finding they will have. At 45 the last thing I want to add to my problem list is COPD. As a runner the last thing I need to deal with is lungs that won’t let me run. I already have enough issues with my left leg the last three years I don’t need something else to sideline my running. 🏃🏻‍♀️

Until this afternoon, I’m at the mercy of someone else and their knowledge. But, I get to go to Flagstaff. And Savers is a having a 30% off sale starting today and they have Greek food there! Hooray!! Not sure if I can eat there but I’m hoping. And I get to spend the day with my handsome love so that’s nice too.

For now, I’ll take the dog for a little run. She and I both need it. I’ll put some salve on my knee and stretch a little and go to the lake and back. It’ll be nice. I love mornings!

Stay tuned for the next chapter in medical life…. 😉❤️

Not sure the day last week but after a walk

Morning Stretching

Since my most recent injury, the knee, I have learned that when it comes to things, stretching may be the thing that I need. Ugh!!

As a runner, I know that stretching after a run feels amazing. A good long run, a long stretch session, hot shower and I feel like a million bucks! I know that I should stretch before running too. Therein lies the problem. I like to run in the morning. Before work which I have to be there by 7. So in order for me to get up on time and get a good run in, I have to be up and out the door before 5-515 depending on the distance. This means for me to be up and ready to get out the door I have to be up and moving by 4.30. And I can totally do that. I’m so down for that. But then, adding in the injury to the equation is where I’m having the problem. I have to now be up and stretching actively by 4.15. And for me I don’t get dressed to do my stretches in the morning so one would think that it would go faster. It doesn’t.

This morning, I had my alarm go off at 4.15. It does this daily. And then at 4.30 my phone wakes up. And then at 4.42 the alarm goes off again to get me out of bed. And then, as a last one, the alarm goes off at 5.15. If I haven’t gotten out of bed by then, it’s when I will get up. I don’t quite understand the issue I’m having these days. I want to go out and do more miles but something inside me is keeping me from it and I am not liking this. Stupid knee!

The worst part isn’t that I don’t get up, it’s that my beautiful girl thinks I hate her and I don’t want to take her out anymore. And that couldn’t end further from the truth. But she’s not always up for going out and doing the run that I want to do. I keep thinking I’ll find a solution but I have yet to come up with one. In my mind I keep thinking I’ll get up and take the dog for a nice walk. She’s not up for a lot of running these days but we can swing two miles in the morning. And then when I get home from work, change, stretch and then do my long runs. In my mind this works perfectly. If it wasn’t for all the things that have to get done when I get home. Like putting the clothes away, doing my language lesson, writing once in a while, check spelling, make sure the kids are safe while playing and do anything that Thomas might need help with. Then dinner, dishes, and take five minutes for myself.

I feel like these are all excuses but for me it’s not an excuse. I know that the time I have in the morning is likely the only time I will have for myself all day. And I know that my relationship with time needs some work (stupid ADHD), but it feels like there is t enough time to get it all done, every day. I miss so many things and I miss the sunrise. I will work on this week and check back in. Who knows, maybe something wonderful will happen and I can manage my time much better with less worry.

Buried under inches of snow the day before

Alright… time to start the day…

Sunday before the walk… looks like a spider died on my head 🕷️

A Running Hiatus: Do You Prefer Taking Risks or Having a Safety Net?

That’s a good question today. I guess it would depend on what we are talking about. Do I want to take risks with my family/ job/ relationships, not really. Do I want to take risks when it comes to doing things in life, well, that’s where I would say yes, I would rather take the risk.

Let me explain. I am a creature of habit. I have a routine that I do when I get up and I love it. I love to have my coffee while no one is talking to me, at least not for the first cup of it. I love to run in the mornings, though I have been terrible about getting out again. I love to do the same kind of things that feel comfortable. However, the only way to grow in life is to take some chances and risk things. Big rewards often come with big risks. Sometimes, those risks don’t always pan out like we hope for the results are the bad part of the risk. That downfall of Rome.. We seem to be seeing that more and more these days, but I digress. I can’t say that I feel like I have taken chances, but, when I look at what I have done in life, it seems I took more chances than I thought.

My first big risk was to join the military, the US Navy. That was a really big one. I made it through four and a half years serving on active duty before I was done. I wanted to stay longer, but I couldn’t. I had taken a big risk and lost it all. Had it not worked out like that, not sure where I would be today, certainly not where I am right now. I loved being on a ship and I love being on the ocean. I miss it. I miss the feel of the ocean under me, rocking me to sleep. I miss the smell of the ocean. I was on the water for more time of my service than I was on land. It was a big risk, but an even bigger loss. And it took a long time to work through it because to be honest, I never really got over it. (Side note: I truly believe that we don’t ‘get over’ things. I believe that we work through them and the pain of whatever it is, just dulls. It doesn’t go away, and you eventually are able to talk about it without getting upset, whatever it is you’re going through, but, you don’t ‘get over it.’)

I have put money into the stock market, and my TSP account is in the stock market, but while it’s crashing right now, I am not upset about it. I see that it will go back up and I will get it all back in tenfold. Is it upsetting to see it, yes. I hate to see people lose money. Unless it’s Elon Musk, he can fuck off back to South Africa. He can lose billions and I’m ok with that. Fascist prick! Sorry, where was I, oh yes, the stock market. I have tried to buy stocks on my own and I have lost a lot of money that I thought I was going to get back. So there was a time that the risk didn’t work out.

Recently, I have been given information that one of the risks I have taken, and it’s as a whole with the company that I own, the reward will outweigh the risk. I am able to get another year to work on this and I couldn’t be more excited. What is it, you ask? I can’t talk about it right now, but I will be talking about it in a later entry.. Just not today.

I would rather take the risk than not. There are times when it’s been good outcomes and there are lots of times when it was a bad outcome. Either way, I would rather try and fail, than live knowing I could have tried to do something. You only regret the miles that you don’t run. Even on the bad runs, I would take those over not running any day. The risk does not outweigh the reward. The reward is a clear mind and a healthy body. Those are never going out of style.

So, with that in mind, I will be going back to morning runs. With the dog. Hopefully she will be ok with doing runs, I’m thinking no more than like, three miles with the dog. She’s getting bored with our usual route so maybe that will help if I change it up a bit.

The running hiatus is over but the writing part is not. I will still be doing the writing prompts because I truly enjoy the thought that goes into it, even if proofreading and grammar aren’t going to be on point with them. So so long sleeping in, it’s time to move again 😁

A Running Hiatus: What Is Your Favorite Work of Art? What Do You Love About It?

I wonder, did they mean work of art, as in a painting, or art in general? Maybe I will go with both just for the fun of it. My favorite work of art would have to be a pull between two amazing and beautiful things. Both Hagia Sophia and The Taj Mahal. These buildings are so fantastic to see and so much detail to every bit of it. Hagia Sophia is from the Byzantine Empire, located in Istanbul and was built in 527AD. The Taj Mahal is was commissioned in 1631 by Shah Jahan as a burial place of his wife and is located in Agra, Uttar Pradesh, India. Both of them are considered to mosques. One is made of marble and the other of stone, but built by those crafty Romans who still have stuff standing more than 1,500 years later.. And I can’t get the road in my town to last more than a few years, clearly they had an advantage that we don’t.. Horse drawn stuff, and no semis. Oh well, progress right.

What I love about them both is how one is considered to have changed the face of architecture and the other is the Jewel of Islamic art. One clearly influenced the other with the domes and the decorative way it was built. I love knowing that the building was done so well, that when scientists try to figure out how the building was built to withstand earthquakes the way it has. Over and over again, they toil, building miniature scales of it and still, they can’t work out how the Romans managed to put it together in such a way that it is still here… nearly 1,500 years later. I have a theory that with the way they are finding out about how the concrete was made at that time, we may be able to replicate how they are able to hold for so long. Then again, we might not be able to figure any of it out. I feel like I’m rambling.. Sorry about that..

I don’t know how to explain why I love these two buildings or what in a general sense. I love how they look and I love how magnificent they are to see. I haven’t seen either in person, but, I have dreamt of it. I was close to being able to see the Taj Mahal, but, when I was in India, that tour was canceled. Seems for that deployment, the only two tours I signed up for, were both canceled. Weird.. 🧐

I love to see the way the lights shine on them at night when the photos are taken. I love to see how they look in the skyline against the rest of the city (Hagia Sophia) and among the green of the gardens (Taj Mahal). I have been to both countries now that I think of it… both while in the Navy though, on two different deployments beginning on two different sides of the United States. Interesting how the Navy took me to so many places.. it’s almost as if they use that as a slogan to get you to sign up.. If you get the chance to see the world, take it. It will open your mind and help you to see that there is so much more to our world than your own backyard.. Even if Dorothy tried to convince us to be happy with staying in a place that is going to kill you.. Conform girl…

It’s been a long enough time since that last time I have written anything that I wanted to publish, I feel like I’m just rambling right now.. But I have a lot to say about nothing. .. or do I have something to say after all? Is the weed kicking in yet?

However, if we are to assume that the writer of the prompt book wanted to know about my favorite piece of art and meant something that is painted or can be put in a container to be transported, then my answer is clearly going to be different. I have been to many museums and many cathedrals all over the world and I have been able to see so many wonderful works of art. I would say that my favorite piece of small art work would be a black and white photo taken by Ansel Adams in Clearing Winter Storm taken around 1937.

What do I love about it? What’s not to love about? I have a love of black and white photography and I will take lots of those. In fact when my older sister was married in January, I took lots of photos, most in black and white, and my little sister asked if I could please edit some back to color and send them to her. I have yet to do that. I didn’t remember until just now though, so maybe I will do that once I am done with this. Who knows. I like that when you see a black and white photo, it somehow feels like you’re looking into the past. I mean a photo is the past, but, when I say the past, I mean the past before color photos became a thing in the 60s? 50s? They capture details that the color photos just seem to not have. There is a crispness to them that color just can’t seem to touch.. In my mind that is.

All of these works of art are my favorites. I love Van Gogh’s work. And da Vinci’s work. Both taught us how to capture the fine details but they did so in different ways. Honestly, I could go on and on about different works of art. For me, as far as I’m concerned, architecture is my favorite. And who could forget the Colosseum. Rome built some amazing beautiful things that have stood for thousands of years. There is even a stretch of road that still remains that you can walk. Built by the great Roman Empire.

These are more than just buildings to me. They hold secrets and hidden places. They are held in my heart as the most beautiful pieces of art work.

The Existential Dread That Seeps In

I’m having an off day you could say. I have tried to help it with uplifting music only to find that the playlist is not hitting it. Talking to people makes me feel worse. And then there is the incoming news that daily makes me want to vomit or hide and maybe come out in years to come.

You’ve had those days I’m sure. When it starts out good and then for whatever reason it just turns south for no fucking reason at all. Shit I can’t even get my computer to come up now either making it all that much more annoying!

Computer crisis has been handled. But still. It’s a day. It feels like one of those days that should be great and wonderful and has all the potential for being a decent day. And then you go to work. And it starts off fine and dandy. And then slowly between the conversations and the work you start to feel like the world is going to crumble on top of you and you can’t stop it. Crying doesn’t help because what the fuck good do tears do?!

I feel like I’m treading water. Just barely able to keep my head afloat and I’ve been trained for ocean swimming. In fact, I’m a class two swimmer. 🏊‍♀️ I can’t help my girls. I can’t help myself. I’m just not drowning right now. There is that tightness in my chest that wants to crush my soul and I can’t do anything but hope. And holy hell, hope isn’t something I really have anymore.

Hope is an illusion for me. There is none right now. Not for my country which has turned into a fucking shit show from hell with the most horrific person about to re-take the helm. Not for my fellow veterans who were so brainwashed to think this man is going to help them. I hold on to the fact that maybe we won’t be a second Germany based solely on the fact that we still have laws. Which in my mind are about to be broken and tarnished by a man who tried to stage a coup. And got away with it. 🤢🤮🤮🤮

I wanted to have hope for my girls. One is having a hard time and while she doesn’t want to kill herself, she doesn’t really want to live at this point. One is in college and home for winter break. She came home smelling so bad I’m shocked my dad didn’t make her shower before they left town. I wanted her to go and have fun and be young and go enjoy the whole living on campus thing. Make new friends. And instead she’s (likely) failed biology, dropped her scholarship and now wants to just be able to move back in at the end of the school year.

I have failed. 😞 I wanted to have hope for my grandchildren who I thought were going to be able to get a good education but with the department of education being dismantled and history currently being re-written to help white kids feel less upset about the horrors of what happened so many times here in this country. Not here’s what happened. We fucked up and let’s make it better. Nope. Just going to pretend they were all happy and got along and shit like slavery didn’t exist. We have failed our founding fathers.

The lake Saturday morning with geese flying

This is what goes through my head on a random Friday afternoon. I’m grateful that I got a text from a friend who just asked left or right. Because in those small text messages, I was able to bring myself back to the present moment of what I needed to be doing right then. And it helped me relax. And all was well again. Until it wasn’t.

Fast forward to around 1.30am Saturday (yesterday) morning when my husband gets a phone call from the dad of my grandkids. Please help me, Kelsie is having a hard time to say the least. And while I’m not going to go into a ton of personal details about it, she can talk about it if she wants, it amounted to she was drunk and yelling and it caused a big riff. Her little sister came to my house to sleep due to the yelling. She collapsed in a ball of tears after walking through the front door. Told her go upstairs, you’re safe. Thomas and I stayed up and watched something. And when that one was over, around 4.30 we made coffee and put on another movie and went back upstairs to the room. the movie got turned on and off to sleep my sexy love went. I couldn’t sleep.

Instead I got dressed and took the dog out. It was nearing sunrise and it’s the normal time to take her out. We got dressed and walked two miles. In those two miles that takes an hour to walk now, I talked to Vanessa. Ranted at her for an hour is more like it. I told her how I was feeling and how the shit with the girls was making me crazy. And not the good crazy. I ranted until I had to stop for a bathroom break. I can say it was so good for me to be able to get that all off of my chest. And there was a lot for sure.

The lights hadn’t quite gone out this morning

Tom and I did a lot of shopping and then by 4.30 I was fading fast. A good two hour nap was just what I needed. And then he brought me food for dinner. I was asleep quite quickly following that and now it’s morning again. Got home from the walk and my favorite Christmas movie was on. A Christmas Carol with George C. Scott. It follows the book so very closely and I have loved that movie since it came out in 1984. Much to do now. The dread is holding at bay for now and I will persevere to keep going forward. Things will work out, they always do and I have faith that this is no different. We will get through it. For now then, good day to you all 😎🤩❤️

The Morning High

04JUL2019

There are days when the sun shines brightly, the birds chirp happily, and the dew on the roses is picture perfect. These days are almost spiritual in nature and all seems to fall into place. Your heart rate, your pace, the way you breath and the muscles in your legs make you feel like a well oiled piston in moving perfection. Truth be told, most mornings aren’t like this.

There is this legend among runners of something so mysterious and legendary, some go their entire runnings lives and never have it happen to them. It’s called runner’s high. It is elusive and hard to explain to those who have never had it happen. A good way to describe it I guess would be a reference to Harry Potter. The feeling of the good luck serum. Like you are invincible and everything is burgeoning with life. I would have to say that I don’t feel this on a regular basis. It’s more like an transient few hour or so of being high on life.

For me, this isn’t something that I experience often, but, when I do, it’s glorious. It feels like knowing everything and not knowing anything at the same time. Your thoughts are scattered yet in perfect synchronicity with nature. It’s unlike most natural feelings you can understand. Again, the best way to describe such a phenomena is holy.

The sad truth is that I only get this every once in a while. It’s not an everyday thing. Not even close. Though, on a good day I feel like a million bucks just after I get out of the shower. I can feel my body lighting up and I feel as if I am in control, if even for just a moment.

10NOV2024

Wow, that’s so very poetic.. I do like how I write, so I guess going with the next one in the book of prompts is going to help me get back to those kinds of whimsical feelings of five years ago.. But let’s take a little inventory of where were we five years ago.

We were still in the days before Covid-19.. If you can remember back that far as it seems 2020 was really 10 years ago. Thomas was driving for Copperstate, my grandmother was still alive… So were a few others that are now gone. I was still talking to Hanna, who I was thinking about this morning. It’s been almost two years exactly since I last heard from her… My heart broke when she and I stopped talking. Like broke broke. Piper was in Jr. High, and Silas wasn’t even a thought yet. Close, but not quite. I was working at the bank. I miss the people I worked with, but, I don’t miss feeling like it was too much all the time. I was a Jr. Banker at the time. It’s so weird to think of how far I have come since that time. Even to think about how far we have come as a group is quite interesting.

Anyhow, I wanted to start back with going through old thoughts and just getting them out there again. This one was hard to follow. The last time I felt that runner’s high, Kelsie and I were doing a 10K, we had just hit three miles and I felt amazing! Both of it did in fact. It was just about a month before I got hurt.

Surgery was a little more than a week ago, and so far I’m able to bear a little weight on it to walk. I’m supposed to start PT this week, but I will have to get onto the website to find out when.. I hate that I deleted the emails that had the appointments for the first three visits in them. UGH!! Not to mention I can’t even find my phone right now, it’s not like I could do much even if I wanted to… hmmm… Hold Please… Never mind, I got it now… good thing I have my photos on the computer.

That’s all for now friends, have a great day, night friends 😎🤩❤️

A Running Hiatus: Write A Diary Entry 10 Years In The Future

Ok… Firstly, I looked through my book of prompts today and couldn’t find anything that I really wanted to do, and then I remembered me trying to stay committed to something I said I was going to do.. Unlike everything else I have tried and never finished.

10November 2035

It’s getting to be that time of year when I like to run when the sun is about to come up and there about that time.. I love the smell of the fireplaces with a little bit of the smoke hanging in the air. It’s been cold the last couple of weeks, which is normal. I took off this morning for the run just thinking I was going to do a nice easy five miles. That was not the case.

As it turned out I did 8 miles and it was such a beautiful sunrise! Along the way I was able to focus on life and I started to do a trip down memory lane. I started going back to the time when I was able to retire. I thought about how once we were able to sell the idea and the system, we were able to buy the house and land where we are now, but I was able to retire and take a nice little vacation. That vacation was amazing and that’s when we bought the van. We had actually bought the van and then took the train out to pick it up and then we were able to just go have an adventure together.

It’s weird to think about how much fun we have had in that VW van since then, as well as how many miles we have put on it. We have gone so many places, see the ocean a bunch of times, been to many different parks and got to do so many things together. I love that we have this place that we can always come back to. Where the kids are so close and I don’t have to wonder if they are doing alright because I get to see them all the time. It makes my heart so happy to be able to have that for the family. We have good days and we have bad days but it’s all good. I wouldn’t want to be with any other group of people than then ones that I am around all the time.

We have got to see Ella graduate from high school, Piper and Kelsie graduate from College, I got another degree and my masters, Thomas got his masters, it’s been a good thing that everyone of them have been able to further their lives by getting more education. As I kept running today, I thought about how wonderful it is to see Silas do so well in school as well as choosing to play an instrument and not only that, but he’s so good at it. He’s got dedication that’s for sure. I admire it and strive to be as dedicated and committed to playing my violin and trumpet as much as he does.. Have to lead by example. And with both of us in the symphony, it’s such a fun way to be able to do something with him.

Without a doubt, the best part of today was the nap after getting back from the run. I have really loved getting up early to stretch before going out and it’s such a huge help, but getting to do it in a meditative state afterwards, makes me feel so damn good. Then the shower and food and coffee and snuggles from Thomas make the day start off so well that the nap that comes around noon is so incredibly delicious.

Anyhow, dinner tonight is with the kids, salad and baked potatoes. Simple, delicious. Followed of course by something super sweet, strawberries and blueberries. Time to get papa up, he’s so cute when he’s sleeping 😎❤️😁

Who’s Driving

Yesterday, I went to the post office to mail a package to my daughter at college. I drove myself and Ella, my granddaughter. She helped to carry in the package. Getting into the car was a little rough. Getting out of the car was even harder and a lot more painful than I had expected. And then I had to do it again to get back home and I decided that I will not be driving again until I am feeling like my knee is ready for it.

The kids spent the night last night and for our movie for bedtime, Inside Out 2 was the chosen flick. I laughed at some of it and cried at a lot more of it. When I put on my eyeliner this morning, I noticed that my eyes were puffy from the tears and decided to go with black eyeliner. Seems to hide that a little bit. We watched both of them this afternoon. And again I cried. And it got me to thinking as Thomas and I sat outside about what emotions do I let drive. What emotions are being shoved down and bottled up?

I want to take an honest approach to this and just say it. I’m pretty sure that I let anxiety and sadness and fear drive most of the time. And due to certain unfair circumstances related to my knee breaking, I’m pretty sure that joy had been sent to the back of my mind for a while.

It’s strange really. I just got all my medication for all of that, and I haven’t thought it worth it enough to actually remember to take the damn things for the last week. Not only that, but I can say that since I have broken myself taking my other medication has come to crawl as well. I wonder if that has anything to do with the feelings I’m having as of late. There isn’t anything helping to regulate those emotions. Anxiety needs a special chair and some tea. Fear needs to just relax. Fuck, and I’m still just pissed off about my knee. Most of these feelings wouldn’t be going on if I could fucking run!!! I have repressed anger a lot as well. That one I think I have repressed for most of my life and it only really comes out when things don’t go my way. And If I’m being honest, most of the time they do go my way. I try to plan, and I try to take care of the little details before doing things so I’m prepared. But, I have that burning thought of I’m not good enough echoing through my head far more often than what I want to admit.

I want to write some more right now, but my eyes are starting to close and I’m getting tired, more to come later. Like tomorrow… hopefully this thought doesn’t get lost in the back of mind between now and then.. 😎

A few days later…

I refilled my media-sets this morning and made sure to take them today. I haven’t thought much about who was driving since Friday night. I’ll admit, it’s been a tense week for all of us, and I’m grateful for the two days of the weekend. I’ve relaxed a little bit, and now I’m ready to settle in and begin a new writing adventure.

And so we being. I have decided that for the running hiatus part of this blog, I won’t have any photos in it nor will I go back and proof read this. I do realize that I think faster than I type and there are bound to be lots of mistakes in them, but overall I believe that will help me to remember which entry is which.. But then again, so it the titling part of the whole bit.

I made sure to give anxiety a few days off this weekend. I have to say it’s nice to let every one else take a stab at driving from time to time. I am hoping that she will take a back seat for a while, but I can’t say that’s going to be the case. Tomorrow is last day of the fiscal year for me so it’s going to be a busy one I’m sure. And it’s going to be a long damn month. Hopefully, I will be able to get surgery done to get my knee fixed and then back out to being outside daily again. I feel like there are many things that are going to have to happen from now on. More on that later though.

Have a good night friends 😎🤩

A Running Hiatus: Have You Ever Spoken Up When You Saw Something Was Going Wrong?

WOW. That’s a good question for today. The second part of that was, were you scared? What was the outcome? Well, I suppose it’s time that I tell a hard truth, I am a coward. I’m the Libra who hates confrontation so much that I have allowed people to walk all over me and use me as a doormat. However, from time to time, I have stood up and said something.

There are two times that come to mind when I think of this. The first was many years ago when Thomas and I were still dating and hadn’t moved in together. Kelsie had a room that faced the parking lot at our apartments and one afternoon, we drive in and see that the blinds are all sorts of fucked up. Thomas got so pissed off at her for it. She had taken large boards and put black cloth on it and put it in her window, and it had all sorts of fun things pinned to it. It was a decoration. He went in and started yelling at her for it. She was crying, not realizing that it had done the damage and said that you told me it was ok to put those in the windows. He walked out of her room and I was standing there. Her door was closed and I looked at him and asked if he knew that was going to happen when she did that? No, he didn’t know, and I said then need to apologize to her for yelling at her. I told him if you told her it was ok, and then this happened, you can’t yell at her if you didn’t know this was going to happen and you said it was ok. Go and apologize to her.

And he did. And from that time on, when one of us is in the wrong, we do apologize for it. I’m not always right, and thankfully neither is he, though, he’s right a lot more of the time than I am. But he also says I’m sorry a lot more than I have had to. Mostly because he yells a lot and he knows that that’s not cool. We are a work in progress. And I’m totally ok with that.

The second time that this happened wasn’t so long ago. Maybe 5 years ago. Vanessa and I had finally decided to go to the Renn Faire together again. Liz, her daughter was going to met us with a friend of hers down there, and Vanessa and I and Piper and Dez, one of our friend’s daughters was going to drive down. I remember it was a Friday night and we were all so excited. Kelsie was over helping to get Piper in costume, it was going to be a great day.

And then, I got a text message about the plan. Liz was no longer going to met us down there, she and her friend were going to go down with Vanessa and I. This was a big deal because there weren’t enough seat belts to go around. We were short one. I was so upset having to tell Piper that it’s not going to happen. That Vanessa broke our plans to accommodate her daughter, which is in her right to do if she wants. I said something about it. I stewed on it for about 30 minutes, pacing back and forth and what to say and how to say it, I typed out my response to it at least twice before I sent it. I stood up for myself. By ten pm, I was so fired up mad, I decided to go for a walk. I was mad at Thomas for bringing it up and then not letting it go and that I had to say something. I looked at him and said, I’m not happy about this whole situation, so just because I’m not yelling at you, doesn’t mean that I’m not super pissed off about it. He was so happy for me standing up for myself. It was kind of cute actually.

Got home and went to bed, Thomas was already asleep, Kelsie had already taken off and Little Goose likely cried herself to sleep that night. She was so bummed. Vanessa later told me that I was right, that was shitty of her to do and she was sorry. And she was so proud of me for saying something and standing up to her and standing up for myself. I ended up taking Piper to the Renn Faire later in the season, went with Hanna and Alex. We had a great time. We didn’t dress up, but we had a fantastic time.

I still don’t like confrontation. I hate getting in the middle of things and having anyone either yell at me or get mad at me. I’m still a coward, but, I’m getting better with age. I hope… Until the next time friends, have a great day.

A Running Hiatus: What Person Knows You Best & How Did You Meet?

A long damn title today. You may have noticed dear reader that if you were to put in the website I just created, you will have noticed that it brought you right back here to this very page. Not a new one that I had thought I created. Oh well, Here we go.

There is only one person who really knows me best and I would have to say that is my husband. I don’t know how many others can say the same about their partner, but I know that I can say it about mine. We operate on the same wave length and that always makes me smile.

We met just over 15 years ago. We met in school for massage therapy. I was there because I needed to do something with my life, and he was there to start over in a new place with his youngish daughter and baby bird. It started off very well too. On the second day I knew he liked me, and after that day, according to Miss Charlotte, I mentioned his name every single day until we started officially dating.

At that time in my life, Piper was still just a little one. I had just moved into my parents house, again, and I had to send Piper to go live with her dad while I was in school. I had to, there was no way that I could send time with her if she was there due to work and school schedule. I worked from 5.30 – 2.30. Class started at 3 and ended at 7.30. By the time I would get home, it would be too late to even get to put her to bed. I struggled with that one. I hated sending her away, but at the same time, it gave me a chance to focus on studying. And I did, finishing top in the class.

Thomas and I started talking a lot more once the second semester started. We would stand outside of the classroom talking, sometimes for many hours before I would go home. There was just something about him. There have been many ups and downs in our relationship, but I still chose him daily. When we are talking about something, he’ll say it just as I’m thinking it. We agree on food and drinks, we get to go shopping together and enjoy one another.

During the course of the school year, I took some weekend classes, the ones that I loved the most, being the reiki classes. Durning one of the days we were working, I remember Carole, our instructor, saying to just clear your mind. Empty it of all things. And for a moment, with my eyes closed there was all blackness all around in my safe spot. And then his face came into my line of vision. I knew there was something more to this person than just the guy in class with me. I dove deeper into studies and the more I learned and healed, the more he came into my view. By the time we got to our first hands on class, it was into him. We were doing a project together and Carole said that tomorrow night, we will be working on each other and that we will need to pick a partner. Without missing a moment, he asked if I wanted to be his partner. 🤩🤩

Other signs were there. That first night that I got to work on him, he fell asleep, and I was so relieved. The next night, we switched and I was on the table. He did the first long efflorage stoke down my back and lifted his hands and was like whoa.. The teacher came over to find out what was wrong and he said that my skin turned hot as he rubbed down my back. Shit, he knew that I liked him. It didn’t turn out to be a bad thing though. On the first night back from winter break, we partnered up again and he was again the first to be worked on. I put my hands on his shoulders and again, the whoa! statement came out. Said that I shocked him and he felt it all the way in his toes. 😳

I find it very easy to love him. We laugh together, he laughs at me when I cry but there are times that we do cry together. We have fun together and he’s the only one I want to go on adventure with. We have moments of anger with each other, but, it’s a safe place for him to be angry just as it’s a safe place for me to be angry. There have been many things that could have torn us apart and I keep choosing him. He has my heart ❤️ We have our fair share of arguments and we have a difference of opinion about many things, but one thing is for sure, he will forever be my always. ❤️