Down Again

Well, it’s been two years now, to the day, that I hurt my leg by tearing my hamstring. Wouldn’t you know it, I’ve managed to hurt myself again. And this time, it’s likely going to require surgery and PT and many walks. Not that I’m opposed to walks, but, I had just been able to get into doing a 10k at least once a week and I was really enjoying that.

Me and the girls doing a 10k together ❤️

Where to begin… Well, dear reader, this year I decided to take some of my vacation time and go see my sister for what was supposed to be her retirement ceremony. It was changed about a week before to a promotion ceremony instead of retirement. I went out, got to see her and I was having a blast. The weather was gloomy and it was a rainy day out and I took my niece over to a trampoline place to go have some fun.

We were having a great deal of fun too. I was very much enjoying it. And then I jumped and when I landed, I was aiming for the divider, which when Amelia jumped on it, stayed put, however, when I jumped on it, my foot did a weird thing and now I have a bruise on my foot. We keep going, we stopped to stretch for a moment though, because feeling that, I wanted to make sure I didn’t hurt myself again. I was jumping really high and when I came back down, I did damage to myself. In all, I have a torn ACL, a fractured condyle of the femur and a pulled groin muscle. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

I did however, get to spend some quality time with my sister and that made me feel a lot better. She was awesome. I’m so glad that I was there and got to be around her and her family. But damn, I hurt today. Had my flight home yesterday, which was upgraded to so I could have some leg room, and then once I got back to Phoenix, Thomas picked me up and we then drove for 3.5 hours to get home. Stopped in Payson for food at Denny’s, which was a bust for him, but not terrible for me. Finally got home, it was only noon… I started my day at essentially 1.15 am my time and I was beat. Took a long nap and I could have stayed sleeping.

Today, before I have to go back to work, has been a bit rough. The brace helps, but it hurts to sit on it for a long time, and then when I take it off, if I have to get around, it feels so heavy. I hurt a bit today as well.

I was able to go see some cool things in DC though. I went to the National Mall, would have been cooler if I wasn’t being pushed around or using crutches. Saw the Korean Conflict Memorial, the Vietnam Wall, and the WWII Memorial. I also got to see the Lincoln Monument and only took photos from a far of the Jefferson Memorial. I was whipped by the time we got done, and not only that, I was super smelly. Like gross caked on salt from sweat, reminded me of being on a ship and doing some kind of lube oil drill and everyone is in turnouts and everyone smells. Eww..

The next steps are going to be fun. I have to go see my PCP this week, already had an appointment with him for other things, but, it’s good that I can get in so I can get my referral for an MRI in as well as an orthopedic surgeon referral. I think with luck, I’ll be back to walking within 6-8 weeks. Hoping for less though. And yes, that’s going to mean that for now, I’m down, once again.

It’s not so much that I feel like I don’t get enough rest, I really do. I wasn’t doing a whole lot this past month and I recently discovered that while I am trying to not do everything half-assed, I hadn’t been applying that to running and the fact remained, I was not giving it my full commitment. I was changing and doing well, I was loving doing runs again to see how far I could push myself. And now, I’m back to resting. I am super sad about it, but I know that there are a good many things that I can now focus more attention on. Like working on the business stuff, and maybe I could write down the recipes for making cheese – I miss cheese so damn much – and reading… And maybe spending more time on my computer, writing. I have started many different pieces, and yet, so many of them are sitting there, as a draft of a thought. That thought will not be the same and I won’t be able to recreate that moment in time that I was feeling whatever it was that I was feeling.

Thomas and I have been talking. He said that I need to learn my limitations. I have to realize that the older I get, the more prone to accidents I become. I’m not a klutz, and I don’t do silly things. This, he said was just an accident and that it’s not my fault. But now, I have to be the one who is trying to get better from it. It’s super frustrating for me. And if I am told to stay off of it, I am doing just that. Looks like I won’t be half-assing my recovery at all. There is too much at stake for me. I don’t want to risk hurting myself again either. Just too many things that I have to take into consideration. Makes my head hurt.

Lexi and I at the second round at the hospital

If you have stayed with me this far, dear reader, I do appreciate it. I’m just having a bad Tuesday. And I’ll heal and this will be ok, and things will keep moving. But for today, I am choosing self pity. I want to cry and breakdown and be sad and let my soul break just a little bit. I want to wallow in my own deep sad thoughts, I want to feel all the feels. But just for today. I don’t want this to bother me tomorrow or the following day. I want to get out of bed and be grateful that I woke up. I want to get my coffee and drink it while sitting out back and enjoying the chatter of the hummingbirds that are all around me. I want to put makeup on. But today, I have to worry about getting a shower chair, and eating dinner. Neither of which I actually want to do, but are a must for me. I want to eat an entire bar of oat milk chocolate and then eat my Ben & Jerry’s non-dairy frozen dessert – not even ice cream.

Regardless of what it is that I want to do, the things that have to happen will. Most of what I want to do today aren’t something that is going to happen because, well, I’m on the computer and not crumpled into a ball on the floor of the closet crying.

Fast forward 5 days…

It’s just time to recognize that I’m not a spring chicken anymore. I have some limitations but I will have to more aware of my circumstances and situations. Anyhow, time for other things… happy Sunday.

For the record, I’m terrible on crutches!

Fast Forward a few more days or rather weeks….

I have been to the Dr. I have had the MRI finally and sadly, I will eventually have to have surgery for a torn meniscus, and ACL that is still attached by “a few fibers”. It doesn’t say that I broke the femur but it’s not a good look at this point. Now I have to wait to see the ortho to find out more about this surgery. I have yet to be called about it. I can only play the waiting game. And, yes, I’m more than just a little bit pissed off. I have to remember that I live on the mountain and things are slower and there is no other place to go. It’s like dealing with our local hospital and their terrible billing practices. I also feel like the longer I wait for medical care, the longer I will have to heal. I’m mad about it, but there isn’t a whole lot that I can do about it. Today I’m sad about it and I’m letting myself be upset by it. Tomorrow is a new day so I am hopeful that I will be less upset by this whole thing. We shall see.

Until then, I’m on the couch doing things that I have been putting off. I have been working on the company logo, and too, I will be working on video for our company. My sister sent me a video the other day, it called out Libra and Virgo, me and Thomas, to do the things you have been putting off that you know you need to do. So, I feel like this is going to be the time that I need to get this stuff done. I have goals that I know we can met if we work hard. So now I have been given the gift of time. I think I will have to see this is a gift that I wouldn’t otherwise have been able to take advantage of. I will continue to be irritated with the whole thing and be thankful this is just my knee, and not a health emergency. I will continue to trust in the process and hope for the best though I know that it could do a lot better. I don’t think I will do it with the computer on my lab though. This hurts my knee. I think it’s time for some ice actually…

Until next time dear reader, thank you and good night 😎

Mornings. Again. Ugh!

I actually do love the morning. I just don’t love that I was in bed and now I have to get out of it to begin the day to start the cycle of life all over again. It’s better than the alternative I suppose, which is not waking up in the morning.

I have been working on more forward progress this last week after taking some time to not do anything that I said I was going to. And then I realized that it’s already April, the forth month of the year and I have finished only one project. So, slowly but surely I have been trying to make progress. In this week I have been able to get two more tiers sewn on to the second skirt I have been doing. I haven’t been as good at getting miles in as I would like, but that is due to me not being prepared for the morning. That’s me just being lazy at night and not doing what I need to do. I have a few reasons why I need to start making sure that I am doing the right things. Let me explain.

Last weekend, Thomas and I were sitting down figuring out what to do for dinner. We decided that we would go get some Subway and then get ice cream and a movie.

I’m pretty partial to Subway because it’s one of the places I can go and know that I will have the same thing and it will taste the same as it always does. I get the chicken, bacon, ranch. With no cheese, obviously, and no ranch. I have come up with some interesting ways to get around my eating problems. When I ordered, I said no cheese, I’m allergic to it. The lady cocks her head at me and asked, “You wouldn’t happen to have O blood, would you?” “Yes, I am in fact.” She goes on to tell me of her personal research with blood types and how the body processes foods. I go on to learn a little bit more about my body and what I found out and have now tried out for myself, I would say this was some very interesting information. She said that type O is the original blood type, it’s the same as the caveman that lived so long ago. It doesn’t process dairy and eggs, because they are animal by-products and we didn’t domesticate animals for a long time. The other one is complex carbohydrates. This was again, something that we as humans didn’t start to do until the domestication of animals. My body has issues with both of these things… could this be something worth investigating?

I thought about it, and so I thought I would try out a little trial to see what did I think about it, and is this going to be something that is sustainable. I went with fruits, meat, and veggies. That’s about it, with the exception of my coffee and creamer but I use almond milk so it’s not really anything with milk in it. I noticed on the first day that I had good poos and that my stomach didn’t hurt. The second day I went to put on my jacket that I keep at work, I didn’t have to pull it to bring the zipper together. Interesting. By Thursday, I have noticed that my stomach feels and looks a lot less bloated. And then we had dinner. I had made some sautéed veggies with a Kielbasa sausage and tater tots. I also enjoyed a piece of bread. I knew before I went to bed that my stomach wasn’t a happy place. I went to work the following day with my tummy very much bloated. I was feeling a little bummed about that. I even went on my morning run and we did nearly 5 miles. There wasn’t nearly as much poo that there should have been. I hate that.

As far as the food goes, I think I’m going to work on this kind of eating to see what it could do for me. I have enjoyed the feeling of feeling good. Today, I had three pieces of bread and some wonderful tuna salad stuff. I call it salad but I don’t know if that’s what I would call it. But, whatever. It was amazing. I was very much enjoying the balsamic vinegar on the bread, it added such amazing flavor.. Oh my goodness!! And then I took a nap. Oh I love naps.

As we had no fruit in the house as of yesterday morning, I had to wait to make a shake. What’s the base you ask? Why that’s going to be a pea protein. Yup. More veggies. Lots of veggies for the last week. Red peppers, onions, avocados (which are really a fruit), cucumbers and chicken with vinegar. Holy hell, I even put crispy onions on it. Talk about a flavor explosion in your mouth. And the morning shakes have been amazing as well. And celery for a snack with peanut butter (another protein). The amount of meat that I have been eating has grown exponentially. I am loving that. Though yesterday morning, I really only wanted to have bananas and blueberries.

Ok, so about half way through the week, I noticed the way my body seemed to have changed, but also that it seems that if I wanted to lose more fat, I would only need to workout a little bit. And many say cardio isn’t going to of it. I would like just be able to run. and lost weight. And have more deeper pockets. And not worry about getting attacked while out running. Well, I think I want a lot more than that, but that’s still to come.

The new shoes I got are fantastic on the trail. On the road though, it seems like it’s running in cleats on the pavement. Looks like I am back to looking for the other ones.. And I found some. For way more than I want to pay for them, but at this point, I’m not too sure there is a choice about it. I have been using my old pair of running shoes for the most part. And as of today, I have started a new training plan and I need to go put in my next ten minutes of running. It’s through the Garmin app and I am going with a 10K program. And it’s great, but it won’t set the date for my actual run on the correct day. I’m hoping to be able to take about three minutes per mile off what I’m doing now. I am hopeful. I would like to be able to run longer distances again on a regular basis. Baseline from when I got hurt. Going on two years now in a few months. It would seem that recovery has taken a lot longer than I thought it ever would. I am hopeful for good health and a healthy body that can move.

Oh. I forgot about this one. Pleasant surprise 🤩

And good news to report for the forward progress. I got the second skirt finished! Hooray for the little things. Now to get moving on the other projects. I have to actually get my ass in gear. And I managed to get graduation stuff done. Now to get the announcements for it. Ugh! And I have to get the scrap book worked on before graduation. I have to order more photos for it as well. She’s graduating next month. It seems so strange. She was just little last week, I’m sure of it. My sweet little goose. ❤️

Anyhow, the week to come is nearing and I do have some chores that I’m working on now. Like the laundry. And making sure the child gets her clothes washed. It’s getting gross with that one. How does on live in such squaller? Yuck! Until next time dear reader, good night.

The Ides Of March

15March2024

If you are not aware, the Ides of March are a special day for all of us. The day changed how our modern world operates and how we can be so cruel and yet survive to see another day. In the year 44 BCE, our friend to Rome, Julius Cesar was stabbed to death, by his friends. They feared he was going to be a king and that simply could not happen. The last to stick a knife in him was Brutus. Rumor has it that he may have been Cesar’s illegitimate son. And he had been forgiven by Cesar for trying to fight him on the battlefield. The show Rome was a great adaptation of the whole thing. However, not to overshadow the killing thing, Cesar had brought together Rome and the people. They loved him. This changed how our now modern world works. This was also the day that my husband and I decided on for our anniversary. Why did I have to decide what day it was? The first year together came around and neither of us could put a finger on the exact date so we went with the Ides of March.

That was March 15. It’s now April. I think April fools day was not so great for me. I dropped my breakfast shake and it went all over the counter, got to work pissed off because I couldn’t make another one, that was the last of the fresh fruit. No toast for me either as I needed to be walking out the door, I’m grateful Thomas was there and he cleaned it up. Had sausage and crackers for breakfast. Decided I needed some more coffee. Had to hit up Walmart for it. Got there and there was no almond coffee creamer. Like none at all. Motherfuckers!! Opted for some Lemonade with blueberries. One of my most favorite flavors together. And through all of that, I’m sitting at my desk sneezing like crazy. Something is setting off my allergies really bad. I also bought some Ben & Jerry’s for lunch. Got done with lunch and went back to my office. Misty came in and she was kind enough to give me some Sudafed. I then asked my boss if it would be ok if I left early. She didn’t get back with me until about thirty minutes before I left. I ended up leaving 12 minutes early.

Got home and I knew Kelsie and the kids were going to be over so I got home and they were doing quiet time. I love being around Kelsie. She’s such a sweet and kind person. She’s a great kid! We went to the bank to get some cash and when we got back it was time to clean up and go home. So instead of crawling into bed like I had wanted, I went downstairs and helped and hugged and said farewell for the day. Sat down on the little love seat. Thomas and I stared at the TV. 📺 Willy Wonka was on. Both of us snuggled down on our respective couches and slept. For three hours. Wow I needed that. When I woke up, the movies home screen was on and playing the music to one of the songs was playing. The one about no place like pure imagination. Yeah. The one Gene Wilder sings.

Got back upstairs and crawled into bed again. I was out before ten. What a day! As for getting anything done, I did run the day before. And let me tell you I got home from my 4.69 miles and within minutes of being home it began to sprinkle. And then it rained most of the day until it started snowing. And it dumped six inches of fresh snow on the ground. I love that! Thomas and I went for a drive that night just to go and see. It was beautiful.

As for forward progress, it’s moving at a much slower rate than what I want it to happen. With the kids over so much I haven’t really taken my sewing machine out to do anything. And I had to purchase a new one!! I’m still going over all the stitches but I’m loving it a great deal.

For my running I’ll admit that yesterday didn’t happen. Miles are increasing monthly so that’s a bonus. I had hoped for a hundred mile month for at least ten months this year. Maybe I can hit 9 months of the year and just pick up extra all that I can. I’m currently sitting at just over 200km for the year. I want to hit 1024 and make my challenge goal. Would love to hit it long before that because that’s only 612 miles. I wanted to hit 1000 miles this year. I can still make it. Just need to get up and go in the mornings. And I’ve been loving sleeping in. But I miss the sunrise so it’ll be starting up again with morning runs here soon. And I’m going to want to start to do my loop again. So I’ll have to work on that a bit. Oh and I have a race/run this weekend. It’s up here at the park and it’s four laps around the park for this year’s Tilman Run. I love the shirt this year too. And it the runs 20th year. Seems like twenty years ago was lifetimes ago. Huh. 🤔 it was at least Pipers life time.

It’s weird to think of 20 years ago. We were still rebuilding as a country from the attack on the twin towers. I was still serving in the navy. So many possibilities lay in front of us all. Life was so very long ago and far away.

Anyhow. The loop is going to have to happen many times over now. I’m excited about it. I like that area. And I got new running shoes. They work well on the dirt but not as much on the asphalt. I’ll keep wearing them. But I will start doing more trails. Hoping to get more miles in this month than last. I think I need to get myself moving in that case 😁😎🤩

Forward Progress| Is It Possible?

23January2024

This weekend it was rainy and so I was able to take a walk, but, it’s been raining since then and with that comes a lot of mud for both the Yolandi Dog and I. She gets the worst of it though, all her little paws wet and muddy and she doesn’t even try to walk in the snow to clean them off when we get home. What she will need is a bath when we get home. That’s a wet smelly mess in the winter. I did find a cool dog towel for her to use in the winter that will stay on her so there is that.

I was also able to get less far on one of my sewing projects done than I wanted to. Would have been better if I had not had to take off the waistband twice. Now it just lays in the cubby just ready to be finished. But, with that kind of progress, I have found out exactly what the instructions were talking about in regards to the length of it. So, this should make the next three a little easier. I also got some little cute buttons to put on it and a sugar skull patch for this one. I was also thinking a thin strip of pink ribbon along the bottom of it. That would be super cute. I feel like this will be a good thing going forward.

In the midst of all of the things that I am working through, I had some more hard truths pointed out. It’s good to know where I stand, but I feel that at the same time, I thought I was making progress. Baby steps are ok with me, but they are slow to come. I sometimes feel like I should be different by now I have been working on this for long enough. Habits are hard to break though. And the more I sit and think about it, the more I have to go back in my mind and try to remember years and days and events that have shaped me into the current wound up tighter than a clock ball of nervous slush that I am now. However, there is a silver lining to it all. Recently, I have been seeing a lot of things on somatic releases. I went onto one of the websites and did some digging. All of the things that I feel are going on in my life are all signs of stuck trauma and tight muscles, keeping my body in a constant state of stress inducing life. It is a little reassuring to know that this particular workout has a 99.99% success rate of releases within about a 6 week time frame. But they advertise it as a 30 day course so I guess you could keep repeating the routine until you’re satisfied.

As I was getting a massage this afternoon, I kept thinking about what was going on in my life when I started to become like this. There was some pretty heavy shit going on, so it seems, at least in my own mind, there is a good reason why I have become the way that I am. Now the thing becomes how to release it. How do I reset my nervous system? I tried to think of how I was during massage school and all the things that I was going through at that time. I was working full time, I had sent Little Gotro to live with her dad while I was going to massage school, and that tore me up so much. I hated not being around her and I hated that I had no control over anything in her life. I was worried about grades and not doing well in school. I was worried all the time. And yet somehow, I managed to come out of this shell that I had been living in for so long.

I’m in that shell again now. Only this time it’s from all of life. Going back to massage school isn’t really an option for me right now either. And if I was able to go back to massage school, I would chose to go with yoga instructor to go with it. What a dream! I will have to get out of this shell without the help of massage and yoga, or maybe that’s exactly what I need. More massages and more yoga and more breath work. Interesting idea there.

05February2024

Funny, I was just talking to Thomas about that kind of thing.. What was going on two years after we started living together. And out of all of this, I picked up a book about yoga the other day. This was a book I had bought around the time of massage school and I have really not picked it up except for looking at the photos of the poses. No, not the Kama Sutra. I have that book as well and I have read a lot of it. Like the beginning of the book where it talks about choosing a mate, how to kiss and all kinds of other ways to be intimate without ever taking your clothes off. Anyhow, the book I have is called Sexy Yoga. Designed to be done as a couple to be able to enjoy sex in new ways. Reading the beginning of the book, as you should when reading, it talks about a lot of stuck energy in the chakras. And it all came into focus for me.

When I was younger, and in massage school, I was just divorced and had been dating and it didn’t work out for me. I moved in with my parents again. During school I had to take a class called introduction to alternative medicine. This introduced a lot of different thoughts to me and I loved learning about all of it. My ideas about life changed dramatically. I changed a great deal as well. Some of these changes involved how I felt about life in general as well as different ways that other cultures use to heal. I was hooked on energy work. My first experience with it was taking a class, Reiki. I loved it. I have never felt so connected to everything as I did then. It was such a wonderful time.

This book, Sexy Yoga, was going over chakras and it was like a light went on in my head. After a time of not using this work, not working on myself, I have forgotten about all the things that I learned that made me feel alive. So, with that in mind, I’m going to go over all of the poses in this book and begin with the Glowing Solo section of the book for a while. I am grateful for all of this coming together like this all at once.

25February2024

My hands are so cold right now, I am having a hard time typing. Is forward movement possible? Yes. It is. This isn’t a short term ride thing. Forward progress takes an actual commitment to what you said you were going to do. It’s not easy, but I have been working on my plan. Both, with my running and with my goals for sewing. I have other goals as well but that’s being tracked in a different way.

For the purpose of my own accountability, I have finished one of the skirts, and mailed it. It was the only one that needed to be mailed. I have begun putting the tiers together on the second skirt. There is a very beautiful silver ribbon on the bottom hem of the skirt. It’s going to be very beautiful against the dark purple. And the best news of the week is that I have purchased a new sewing machine and I can’t wait to get it. I might actually pin the next levels together so when it gets here, it’s going to be off and running that night… Supposed to be here on Tuesday. Two days. I’m stoked.

For running, I have made sure to take a fews days off, but I have worked out 22 of the 25 days of the month thus far. I have done long runs for the last three Sunday’s. Not very long, but I have done the loop around the lake, which is 4.45 miles. I have made an effort to work out or run daily and I have noticed how much good it’s doing for me. Well, I think it’s doing me good. I have had a day or two where I have eaten far too many sweets and I can feel it for the few days following that. This week has been no exception. I bought a big thing of Red Vines. Thinking I was only going to have a few daily. One before a run for some energy. And then I had three after the run today. And more coffee. I had a smoothie for lunch and I haven’t eaten a whole lot since then. Though now, I have some fresh popcorn with garlic and rosemary on it.. Oh my, it’s very delicious.

And on a seperate note, I have begun using my water pick for my teeth and while it does need to be done in the shower, I am enjoying how it makes my gums tingle afterwards. Mostly I’m just hoping that it will help keep me from having to floss. I can handle doing that nightly.

So yes, there is good forward progress. I am grateful for all of it.

A Hard Truth

I have a confession to make dear reader. I have gone through the whole of my life thinking I was concerned about others and taking care of those around me. But when shown the other perspective, I realized I am not the woman I thought I was.

In my mind, I am thoughtful and do nice things for others. In my mind I give my family what they need and do so without asking anything. In my mind, I’m pretty cool. However, I had my behavior pattern pointed out to me. I am not the things I think I am. There is no “goes without saying” because it somehow slipped my mind that no one can read my mind. I hate these hard truths about myself. But at the same time, it gives me a new way to see the person that I am.

Personally, I wish I could blame it all on my changing female body and the hormonal changes that come with getting older. I’m not a spring chicken anymore, so I know my body is doing the weirdest shit possible. I can see that I do all the good things for myself, drink water, move my body regularly, not binge eat Harbro gummy bears when I want to because they are there and delicious. And yet. Somehow I feel like my body is slowing down and telling me that I am getting older.

I wish I could lie to myself and say it’s because I’m stressed out. We are all stressed. This is more than it’s just stress. This is me not taking a good look at me and seeing what my best friend, my partner sees in me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a sign of an ending to us. No. Quite the contrary in fact. I am not objective when I look at me. I want to think I’m some kind of modern, everyday, run of the mill, small town person. I like to think of myself as being pretty but not too beautiful because to be beautiful is to be vain. And I think I’m fucking awesome at being alive but don’t want to be too prideful. Insert the soliloquy of America Ferrera in the movie Barbie. Wow. Well done sister!

I have come to see myself in a different way. I’m slower, easier to anger, and faster to forget. I put in a lot of lip service and I don’t mean it. I was asked recently, that if it came down to my parents and sisters or my husband and his daughter, I would chose my sisters. And it’s stuck with me since then. I was thinking about it at work too. And it makes me wonder.

I feel like this needs to be said. I have presented like that for a long time. It was in little things. Such as the photos on my Lock Screen. Now I open it just to see the photos. I have loved writing and yet I have never written to advocate for our girls. There is so much that I have left undone (I feel an underlying theme here lately 😑👎🏻).

Since then, and when I say then I’m referring to when I started this one in November.. November 15 to be exact, I have began taking a low dose of estrogen. I started looking at people in life for who they are, not just who they are to me. That one is a hard one. I have put a lot more thought into making my relationships better. Showing affection and using a softer voice. That’s not an easy one either. Stayed off my phone more with the kids over and played with legos and cars and Buzz Lightyear. I am being an active part of my life again and running again (except for today when the Yolandi was very clear that she wanted to go home. And I know from previous days like this, that she will ensure we go back with her way because that is her way!). I find joy in my everyday life and I’m so grateful for it all.

Action needs to be a dominant force. Action needs to be my new word. Am I setting a resolution? No. I want to look at it like it doesn’t have to be a lot of progress. Just forward progress. Forward with the business. Forward with writing. Forward with a podcast. Just forward.

I feel like forward action is the theme I am going to be embracing now. Forward action to get further this year than last.

I have been running again. Not too far or anything but I’m going to finish my 1024km challenge this year. I have forgotten that it will make me sore in parts that haven’t been that sore for a while. It’s almost like starting over but I already know what to expect so there isn’t any guesswork. I had to loosen the dog’s harness yesterday after our run because she just wasn’t in it at all. I’m going to be adding miles this coming week. I haven’t done the loop in so very long it’s time I see it again. And early will be better as the ground is frozen and I can get away with being in the mud on the side of the road. I’m looking forward to running this year. I don’t have any goals for it, but I’m taking it easy this month and will be upping miles a great deal next month. If I can hit about three miles a day, that will give me a good deal of miles. But I’m wanting to get better times too so I’ll be doing work at home too. Like stretching and strength training. Oh it’ll be amazing!!

Anyhow, dear reader, if you got this far I thank you. I have wandered off topic a bit but I’m getting there again. I have a lot of work to do on myself. And today is the first day of the rest of my life. Unless it’s the last day of course. Happy Friday to you all. Let’s go have an adventure. 😎❤️

I’ve Been Meaning to Write| Part II

So, this is now the second installment of I’ve been meaning to write. If you recall, the first one was last year around this time. I was describing how I recently had my brother-in-law pass. Then, 6 weeks later, his sister died as well. But, I hadn’t talked to him in a really long time. And I had been meaning to write, I just hadn’t. The same was true about Bill when he passed in March of last year. The same was true when David Wayne died. And the same was true of Ed when he passed two years before. I had been meaning to write to say hello and that I thought of them, and hoped that they were well, and life was happy. That’s all I wish for my friends, I want them to be happy. But life happens and days turn into weeks into months into years and before I knew it they were gone. I couldn’t say anything to them any more. Anyhow, you get the idea.

In doing massage for the years I did, I was able to meet many people who have come and gone in my life. I have loved them as friends.. and when I say friends, I mean like the ones that you love and want to keep company with them when they are sad, and make hot cocoa for when their soul needs love.. Sometimes it’s ok to add some amaretto if you like. Or other spirits if you and they are so inclined. I have been able to spend a lot of time with them and it was my great honor to get to be apart of their lives. I hoped that they all knew how much I have valued them all.

One in particular was Ms. Sharon. She was older than me, in her 70’s when I met her 8 or 9 years ago. I think it could be longer than that actually, more like 12 years ago… Oh my. Anyhow, I would still see her after I started working at the bank, and I only stopped seeing her in the last two and half years. I would say about 6 months after I began working at the VA, I got a message from my friend that I worked with at the bank, that asked me to call Ms. Sharon. I kept thinking about calling her after it was time to go to bed, always around 9 pm. In my own opinion, it’s rude to call after certain times and before certain times, 9 at night and 8 in the morning. Or I would think about it when it was Sunday around 11 am. When she was in church. And then a few weeks went by and I started to feel bad that I hadn’t called her and then weeks turned into years. I really adored her. I got a message Saturday from her son that she had passed that week. In so many ways, she was an amazing friend. And I hadn’t called. But I really did mean to call her. For a long time I felt like I could say she was one of my best friends. I listened a lot to her talk about her kids and her life and her job and things that made her angry and how much she loved her kids and grandkids. She was a joy to me. I often thought of asking for her mailing address so I could write letters, and I never did.

In recent years, I have lost friends and I’m hurt that they ghosted me. And I did just that to a woman I loved a great deal. I thought how much I have wondered why they wouldn’t call when I couldn’t do the same for her. And I did it to all of those who I lost in recent years, including my grandmother, whose been gone nearly four years now. I have the power to do things and I spend my time sitting on my phone, not doing anything worth writing about.

And that is the point I guess. I have wasted so much time just doing nothing. And what’s really funny, if I think about it, I could have done so much with that wasted time. Oh the what if’s. All of the should have’s. I should have said something. I should have taken action and done something. A call, a letter, a word of encouragement that I should have been given. So many of those should haves. And not nearly enough of the calls to them to say hello. In moments like this, I like to think of what runners like to say. You only regret the miles you didn’t run. You only regret the things you didn’t say to them when they were alive. The I love you for being you. I’m so grateful for your friendship. I have learned so much from you. I think that I have a good many people that I need to say that to now.

I want a new care bear. I still have Friendship Bear

For the ones that have passed, there is nothing I can do for them. I can write letters to them that will never go any further than the fire that they are burned in. I can talk to them in my dreams if I’m lucky. I can talk to them while I run, but it’s never going to be good enough. I am certainly going think about all the things that will now always remain unsaid. Hopefully I won’t be making the same mistake with the other people in my life that mean anything to me.

The next day is never promised to any of us. It’s all just a guessing game of when it’s time to be done. Unless you have been given some kind of date of death, we are all just left guessing is this the day that I will leave and have a celestial passing. And at that point no one knows what the other side will be like. There is only the sadness from our regret of the things left unsaid and the times that we could have done something and should have, and didn’t.

I am not the artist. I don’t know who it is but it’s pretty

I will miss Ms. Sharon something fierce. She was such an astonishing woman. She was beautiful and survived a lot of things in life. She was a bit abrasive when you didn’t know her, but she was kind and thoughtful and generous. She loved her family so very much and was so proud of all of her kids and grandkids. I am so sad that I will never again be able to hear her voice and talk to her. I won’t be able to hug her. Maybe this year I can do something worthy of those who have passed to honor them by making sure that the people that I care about know that I do. I will have to figure out a plan on it, but I think this is a good place start for the year. For it is the year of the Dragon. The Wood Dragon in fact. I looked it up and as a Goat in that particular sign, it’s looking like it could be a rough go. I will just have to work my ass off… In fact it said that I will need to work harder this year than last too. And that there will be some ups and downs, and some good and some bad, but fear not, good things on the horizon. Also discovered that my husband and I are not compatible signs. Said that we will just need to work a little harder at it than other signs that may be together. Oh what a ride. … 😳🫣😎😎😎🤩🤩🤩

Which brings me to my last point, dear reader. I hope that your year didn’t start off with messages like that. It’s never fun beginning the year with a funeral. I hope that if you do lose loved ones this year, and really for all years, I hope that you were able to say I love you. For all of the lonely veterans that I talk to, for all of the lonely people I have talked to, I am truly sorry for my behavior. I knew that a call would always be something nice and I didn’t do it. I am going to work on doing better, I hope that you will learn from my mistakes, and tell the people that mean something to you that they do. We could all use more love in our lives. 💕❤️❤️

Anyhow, that’s all for today. I was given the idea of doing a podcast. My friend Sara said that I should do it. I have looked it up, and the equipment is where I’m not so sure where to begin. Well, that I’m not so great with editing. What would I talk about, who would I interview if at all? I was thinking about a mashup kind of thing. Maybe do something like a writing prompt i.e. what was you fondest memory of your childhood best friend and go with that.. Hmmm.. well, here I go with that one. Another idea. I still need to revise the book again and then get it out to people. Oh to publish.. What a dream come true that would be! To be heard by people who want to hear my opinion on whatever and listen to cool music. You never know what kind of a mood I’m in. Could do a once a week kind of thing.. hmmm… lots of thoughts on it.. Not much action on it so who knows. Action. That’s the name for this year. Action and actually do it. I think it’s time to stop half passing my life and put effort into the things I do. Might be a good idea. Let’s start putting ourselves into our work and working hard at it and putting effort into it. Not going through the motions to get by until tomorrow. It’s time… Good night 😎

New Adventures In Writing

I have been wanting to write so much lately and when I think about it, and I get my computer out, there is nothing that I can think of to say. I love writing and going through my last few posts, the very sparatic writing that I have been doing in the last year, and I really like the idea of taking an idea and go with it. Much like I did in 4th grade and in 8th grade, or was it 7th grade??? Must have been 8th grade. I have looked at some writing prompts and been trying to decide if any of these ideas would be something that I would like to write about. I miss those kind of assignments. So I have found one that I wanted to take a stab at tonight. The prompt: What advice would you give your younger self?

Now for this I have to assume my younger self would be someone around the age of my daughter, 17 or so. Now to paint the picture of my life at that time. 17 was a fun year. The summer before I turned 17, I had been grounded and it was for a while and I got a job to have something to do. This was when being grounded meant that I couldn’t watch TV, or take or make phone calls, or go play. Most of the time I would have my skates and tiny stereo taken away as well. That was the most horrible toruture that I could ever get. I hated it. With this time that I was in trouble, I had a driver’s license, but I had my keys taken away. There was a guy that worked where I worked that I really liked. Oh my gosh!! I was so obsessed with him, it was, likely, borderline stalker kind of shit. I’m sorry. It’s true. I was so head over heels infatuated with him. I didn’t care about school like I had before. I wasn’t in band anymore and that was a hard hand to be dealt. Not only was I not in band for the first time in 7 years, I wasn’t as interested in school like I had been. Work was taking up a lot more time that I wanted it to and when I got paid, it was gone way faster than I thought it would be. I hated that. I wasn’t exactly the happiest teenager either. With not being in band, I had lost some of the friends that I was used to. I was more lost than I had been the year before. Not only was I working and band was gone, I started working Sunday’s more and more and that meant the friends I had that we went to church together, I no longer had that support system either. I started making work friends, but I missed my other friends. I missed band more than I can say. I missed being a part of that group and I missed performing and the games, and I missed doing track and speech and debate. I didn’t miss one person who liked to be as mean as she could be to me. She wasn’t nice, she was a shit-talker and while I hate her with a burning flaming passion for being a complete cunt of a human being, I still wouldn’t wish divorce on her.

As you can see, I wasn’t the happiest person. I longed for a bus to hit me to get me out of my life. My home life, other than being grounded, wasn’t bad at all. I got a long with my parents, and my little sister. I had my own room, a big deal for someone who shared rooms for many long years, and in it was a walk thru closet and a full size bathroom. I love the window in the shower that would give so much light!! My room was big enough that I could fit (after many years of being gone), a king size bed, a dresser and nightstand, a bookshelf, an oversized chair and ottoman and a small entertainment center with movies and a TV. At the time, I had a double sized bed, a couch and coffee table and my double desk/dresser and a lot of wasted space. I think everyone should have a room that size growing up, and as an adult. It’s a nice thing to have that much room. I love having a sitting space in my room to just chill. And then for a while I had a twin size bed in there as well. It’s my room. I love it still.

Another younger self. With my Princess and David.

As an unhappy person, who was on the brink of a really bad depression, I had heard my mom tell me over and over that life is a self-fulfilling prophecy. What you put out in the world, is exactly what you’re going to get out of it. I thought she was just blowing smoke up my ass. Wow, it’s weird when you come to the realization that if you only listened.. So much heartache could have been prevented. But my own advice would be much different.

I would start by saying that it’s going to be ok and just relax. Things are over the top and every thing feels like the end of the world, and it’s not. You’re going to be a lot better than you know. Don’t fret about your weight. It’s because you’re allergic to the things that you love the most; eggs and cows milk. If you want to lose weight, stop eating that shit forever!! Take your health seriously. Don’t do too much stupid shit. Health starts with your mouth, take better care of your teeth. Having cavities is still no fun. Realize that there are more than 5 billion (at that time of course) people on the world. There is no doubt that there will be more than only one person to love you. Don’t be so eager and desperate for love. When you stop trying so hard, it comes so much easier. This can be true for change. Don’t fight it so hard. Change can be scary, but it doesn’t mean it’s bad. Have more courage to stand up for yourself. Stop allowing others to walk all over you. You are not a doormat. You have more talents than you know. Pick one and really put effort into it. Dedicate yourself to this passion. And if you’re not obsessed with it, do something else. Don’t be so closed minded about what kind of experiences you want to have. You never know what kind of fun you may have if you allow yourself. Let go of hating your body. The minute you start to love it, the more fun you can have with it. You can enjoy yourself in ways that are not yet known to you. Be patient. It’ll happen. You know that feeling you get when you had a really good workout in track, and you’re breathless and feeling amazing? Keep running. I know that running further than a half mile seems like a marathon to you, but you can do it. You can run and it’s going to feel so good. You can’t even know how much it will change your life. All for the better too. What you think is just a fun way to get out of class again, will give you a sense of freedom of mind that will unlock your potential in ways that give you a sense of peace and pride. You will go through all sorts of things in you head and it will all come together and you will work it out. Your legs will look amazing and when you train like an athlete, you start to treat you body like an athlete and that is what you want to do. You want to give yourself that kind of care. Please please please, stretch. Warm up before you run for a few minutes and stretch. Get involved in yoga and never stop. You can do the splits and not hurt yourself. And if you don’t listen to anything I have said (which I know that I would let it go in one ear and out the other), please, remember the running and stretching. Trust me.

I am hoping to be doing this more. The prompts I mean. Hopefully, dear reader, you too will take this advice and take it to heart. Running and stretching are by far my most important. I don’t want to change the past to make a better future. I love my life. I love being able to run in the mornings and work out. I love doing my morning walks with my little goose. I love waking up next to this man of mine. I wouldn’t want to change a single thing. It would mean a change in the current outcome. I like where I am right now. I’m striving to be better and get better but as it is, I’m pretty stoked about it. Any deviation from what I have done, would mean that I wouldn’t be here. I love my kids and my grandkids, and I love my husband. But maybe this would have made me feel a little better about life in general.

Ok, well, it’s now time to come to a close. Good night, dear reader. Here’s hoping for you have a great run tomorrow 😎

What’s on your mind?

There has been so much going on in my head that it would seem like it would take me a thousand days to get it all down. It’s strange really, I compose an entry almost daily and yet, I never seem to pick up the computer and put it in black and white. I wonder if there is a product that can read my mind when I ask it to and put it in writing… did you ever see the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? Jim Carey, Kate Winslet, Elijah Wood all play a part in this film where a woman is trying to erase the memory of a person. And every time they find a new memory of said person, they don’t seem to want to let go of each other.. He then does the same and they meet again on a bus, and start over with each other… Which makes me think of the movie What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams and today is actually the nine year anniversary of his death. Each year since then, most especially in the last two or three years, I have shed tears over it and I wondered why. Why did this one person’s death have such a profound effect on me? I didn’t know him. It’s not like we traveled in the same circles but why does it do this? I have never shed a tear for any other entertainer. I have been bummed that we lose amazing talent year after year as we all get another year older, but I am not overly tearful when it has happened to other people that I enjoyed watching their films. I digress.. What Dreams May Come was a gut wrenching film that had me in tears five minutes into it. I had to stop it to take out my contacts it was that bad.. Anyhow, a man loses his two children in a car collision. He and his wife are grief-stricken. He then dies in a a car collision or something and goes to this amazing place. Not really heaven but something amazing and wonderful. It’s an afterlife place of sorts. The other side if you will. He then learns that at some point, his wife commits suicide. He is determined to find her and bring her back from a place of no peace, of no happiness, nothing but dark and lonely forever… Well not entirely dark, think of a rainy day in the afternoon. When it’s nearly 1600 in the afternoon and it’s not the summer but not the fall yet so it’s a tiny bit chilly outside. And it’s bleak outside and it’s going to have you in tears so quickly. Grab a box of tissues for that one. But it’s so worth it. And you know how there seems to be a lot of movies that have been touching on the concept of reincarnation. I have noticed a few Disney movies that have given some interesting ideas on souls and where do they come from. What a thought though. Reincarnation. I have a feeling we find the same souls over and over again. I have had a few times where I have met someone and I know that I know them. But I don’t know where. I feel like that’s a moment in life when you find a soul you knew before somehow and the connection is fuzzy but slight enough to throw you off your rocker. Or to have flashbacks from a different life of the two of you in another time and place, as fighters not lovers. It’s such a wild ride to meet people like that. I’ve met a few people like that. I knew them at a different time. I have been thinking about the Navy a lot lately. Could be because reading/ listening to three different books about being a sailor?? I wonder?? First, I’m listening to a book by Admiral McRaven, narrated by Admiral McRaven called Sea Stories.. Wonder what he’s talking about. The next one I’m reading at lunch time at my desk is called It’s Your Ship by Captain D. Michael Abrashoff about leadership and what it means to be a good leader to your people. Ethics and stuff. The third book is called Two Years Before the Mast by Richard Henry David Jr. and it’s about him embarking as a sailor on a merchant marines ship for two years in a year I can’t remember at this time and the book is upstairs next to the bed and Thomas is in bed because he doesn’t feel good so I don’t want to go up there to be around his sick germs. I hate that he doesn’t feel good though. Means I can’t play with him. And while I was just vaccinated for my booster and I will be getting my flu shot this year, like always, I don’t want to get sick. I will love him from afar right now. From the safety of the couch downstairs. I can sometimes feel the breeze coming through the window with a light mist from the drizzle of the rain and I have the sound of rain on the tv with black screen so it’s not distracting… What’s on my mind.. Or better yet, what’s not on my mind?

IF you’ve stayed with me this long dear reader, you can clearly see that my thought pattern isn’t exactly straight. Compound that with having to do work and get things done at home, work on the business and be a good parent, and work hard at my job, and try not to say stupid things at work, there is a lot on my mind and it’s a bit chaotic in there. As you can see by the date, I haven’t pulled the computer out for a while, but I did today. It’s the perfect day with Thomas not feeling good. I can listen to what I need to and concentrate on a few things that I tend to put off as often as I can.

Yesterday I sat in the swing and talked to Thomas about some of the ideas for the business. It’s always a long conversation when we sit out back and talk. We say we are going to leave and do what ever errands need to be done at 8 in the morning and by 11 we are out the door. I was thinking about how to do some of the things we want to be able to market our product using animation. About a 30 second clip and that’s going to take some time. However, as we talked about last night, if I can spend an hour every night working on this, when we need it in six months, I will be somewhat proficient in the use of whatever animation platform that works that best. So far all I have found is that Procreate is one of the bests.. and it’s only made for iPad with the Apple Pencil. Or the iPhone. My phone is not a good enough size to really do much with that. So we then talked about other options as well. I have so many things to work on with the company that I needed to take a moment and get my thoughts down on paper.. in black and white? Whatever it is.. I want this to work and so I know that I have to put in my part of it too. So that’s what I’m doing here. Unless I find a donor who wants to give me said items so that I may do what I’m thinking would be a lot of fun and will be priceless when it comes to what we are trying to convey.

And then I told him that my plan was to spend the time daily and he asked when I was going to do that since we were already looking at 7.30 or so. I told him this was our hour long meeting about where are we going with the next steps. I’m excited for this creation. I am so hopeful that someone will want to buy it or license it. It really is a game changer. Fingers crossed.

Monday now. That was from Friday. Once again I open my computer and see that my document is still open. I hit the save draft button, it saves it no problem. I finish my thoughts and then hit save and it won’t save. Ah.. but this is why I spend the money on this was to be able to copy and paste.. So I tried to open a new pages entry and I x’ed out of this page altogether before I could copy and paste it.. UGH!!

Love black and white photos of the clouds

Today’s hour was dedicated to writing and finishing this entry. I have slacked for a long time waiting until the last minute to create something that I will look at and say, you know you didn’t do your best.. You didn’t give it your all, so with practice, that’s what I’m rolling with. Finishing thoughts and journal entries.

I have been making sure to exercise daily, and with Piper home, we walk three days a week together. Since they didn’t have school today, it was Navajo Code Talker Day, we decided to walk tomorrow. And I thought I had been doing good with food choices. I have even added a weight supplement for my slow metabolism to get it all working together.. Yeah, I gained 3 stone. I am shocked and saddened by this. I will lose it again. I didn’t eat ice cream, I have gone back to eating grapefruit. Double peel it and it’s such a wonderful fruit, with a bright flavor. Also, going with tea for a while for evening drinks. No biscuits for me, just the tea. I guess bodies are made in the kitchen. We shall see. I even walk or run lots.. I love to run, though with my hip out the last week, it’s hurts quite a lot. My back is popping even now, let’s hope the hip goes with it too.

Ok.. Now I’m tired. Have to get up early for my walk with Little Goose. We leave around 5 am.. Yay! What a Feeling!! Good night~

Why oh why?

Today, I weighed myself and I am not happy with that number. But it’s not so much the number, it’s more of a how my clothes me thing. I know that I can do any number of things to help me lose the weight but, who knows what’s going to help me lose it. I’ve been stressed. And I’m not one who can go on the stress diet of coffee and nicotine and lose weight. Nope. That’s not me. I eat. And then I eat more and then I get more stressed and eat more. I was thinking about how science is now pointing to a stress hormone that allows me to produce cortisol and now I have to get my body to hit a reset button.

How do I hit a reset button. Well, I have to take a look at my eating. I’ve been on vacation the last week and so I’ve allowed myself to eat stuff I don’t usually eat. So first thing is no more chocolate syrup in my coffee 😑👎🏻. From there I know that I have been so sedentary from my torn muscle, that I haven’t even got to where I think I should be. Not even close to baseline yet!! That makes me crazy. So since I have started to work out in the afternoons with my girls, we do thirty minutes of weights/strength training and then a 30 minute walk, I have thought it best to get back to my running in the morning.

How many times must I got through this whole thing of getting my ass up and going out the door. I used to think if I had someone else to hold me accountable then I could do it. But when it’s just me holding me accountable, I have to say, I like being comfortable.

If I want change, I have to get used to being uncomfortable. I need to get up in the morning and go run and I need to be able to just do it but putting it into practice is a whole other thing. To start with, I’m really good at making excuses for why I can or can’t do something. And I’m even better at just letting myself go. And I’m pretty sure that is all it is. But there is no big prize that I get for doing it. There isn’t any motivation to do it. Here is where commitment comes in.

I am really good at being committed to my husband. I am super awesome at being committed to my family. I am pretty good at being committed to my dog. I am not very good at being committed to myself. Let me say it again. I. Am. Not. Good at. Being. Committed. To. Myself. And to get up and do it daily is a real commitment. And I have been really good at letting myself down these days. So to make this work, I have to start putting in the time and the miles daily to hit my goals. I want to be a faster runner but I have some days when I just want to be a jelly roll too.

I know what I have to do. My clothes are laid out right now. Clothes for work after my shower are there too. Everything is there. Ready. Now, are all my alarms set and ready to go? I’m pretty sure they are. Would hate to wake up 30 minutes late for work. Guess we will have to wait and see now. Fingers crossed! 🤞🏻

The Platypus

When I was young, I met one of the coolest people I have ever met. Some one who was smart and funny and he was carefree. His passing yesterday has left a hole in my heart that I am having a hard time dealing with. I can’t even imagine how much his family is grieving the loss of a husband, father, friend. A man who said his spirit animal was the Platypus, so when I came home from Australia I naturally brought one in a can home (it was a stuffed animal, not a dead animal) for him.

Let me take you back, dear reader, to a time that was a lifetime ago, when I was young and so full of energy and piss and vinegar and sass.. Wow, there was a lot of sass at that time. I may or may not have mentioned that once upon a time ago, I was in the U.S. Navy. I have been around the world three times, seen a lot of place and people, drank way more than I should have and did some seriously stupid shit before the internet and smart phones were everywhere. Thank goodness for that.

My first duty station while serving, was in Jacksonville Florida. I was in Mayport stationed aboard the U.S.S John F. Kennedy (CV-67). This is the ship I met Joey on, Piper’s dad. We got married and then moved to the other side of the country. We ended up stationed on 32nd St. Naval Base, San Diego California. I went to a C-School, a speciality school for the Cummins engine marine inline 6BTA, and then was stationed on the U.S.S Boxer (LHD-4) while Joey was stationed on the base. Forty seven days after checking in, I would be leaving on my second deployment.

I was to leave in January for the Middle East. For that Christmas, I got Joey a bass guitar. He had said he wanted to learn to play so we got one for him. I leave for deployment and when I got back, Joey had made friends with people that he worked with who he was now in a band with. They were the ones that I met first, Ed and Bill. These two, wow. They were both amazing guitar players with different styles that seemed to blend so well together. Thinking about it now is a little hard, both of them have passed, and both of them were damn young. At least in my mind they were young.

The first set up in the garage from left to right: Joey, Ed, Bill

I met Bill and his wife, Sandy along with Ed within a week of being home again. Joey was so excited for me to meet them all. Bill and Sandy were our first grown up couple friends and I was immediately impressed and loved them both. They were a few years older than Joey and I and they had kids. Like more than one kid. And I only remember having fun and laughing a lot around them all. I enjoyed getting to listen to them all play together, Joey had worked so hard at learning to play his bass. He was becoming better and better by the day. And Sandy, she is woman I will never forget. I can hear their voices in my head now as I think on it some more. Joey, Bill and Sandy were all from Louisiana, so right from the get go, they had that bond going for them. Ferris was from Louisiana as well, enlisted with Bill in fact. Best friends, brothers I would say, but he doesn’t come into the story until later.

I digress. I’m pretty sure we were at their house nearly every week for the three years we all lived there together in San Diego. There was one night that Bill and Joey and Sandy taught me how to play Texas Hold’ Em on a Friday night because we thought it would be cool to play in the tournament the following morning at the casino. I won the game that night. As in a totally complete sweeping win. I took 6th in the tournament the next day. We would go to Mexico that afternoon and go shopping. You could find the coolest stuff in TJ. One thing I wish I had gotten was one of those velvet paintings of the devil sitting on the toilet. Classic stuff there, I’m telling you! I loved doing stuff with that family so much. I loved hanging out with Sandy more than doing stuff so I really enjoyed the time that I got to spend with her while the dudes were all playing in the garage. I wasn’t really interested in the music so much, but playing the music made these guys so happy. Their souls were lit up and shinning when they played.

I feel like I’m drifting on the subject, but bear with me if you can. These vines and memories all seem to blend in and twist together in my head. I can’t talk about Bill without Sandy and Ferris and Ed. They were all family. Bill and Ferris were best friends, enlisted together after 9/11 and managed to get stationed in sunny Southern California with all of us. Ferris is Godfather to Bill’s first two kids. Ed was Godfather to his youngest, and Bill was Godfather to our Little Goose. It was the best family friendships that I have had. With all of us together, it felt like home. As I understand it now, that kind of family doesn’t happen to everyone, and it’s not as common as you would hope. For a brief moment in time, it felt like the world was our oyster because we had each other.

I want to say a few months after meeting Bill and Sandy, Joey and I had gone over to their house for whatever reason, I feel like it was a workday because Sandy wasn’t there that I can recall. We had been there only a few minutes when a guy comes out of the bathroom, with a freshly shaved head, exclaiming about how awesome the new razor was, “feel my head”… (this was in reference to the Gillette Mach 3 razor). His head was super soft and smooth. This was my first meeting of Ferris.

Ferris and Bill would talk about home a lot, they would cook together and play music together. They would laugh at silly stories between them and I loved to listen to Bill tell me about how he and Sandy met. They had such a love for one another, there was no denying that. I know Joey and I looked up to them as a couple. And yes, every couple has it’s bad days, but, I can’t ever remember either of them complaining about the other. I know that I whined a lot.

After Joey and I were out of the Navy, we spent even more time with them. Bill and Joey and Ferris had great plans to build this wonderful weed empire and become growers. We were small potatoes, nah, smaller than that compared to what growers do now. One harvest was all we would grow. But it was top shelf stuff. I liked to think that because I played them techno music they were happy plants. None of that sappy sad shit that Joey wanted to play for the plants. And just like now, all of the mother plants had names. All female names, like Henrietta, Louisa, Greta, and two more that I can’t for the life of me remember the names of. But they would have been considered to be an older style of name. It was around this time that things changed for all of us. I found out I was expecting our daughter. The house that Bill and Sandy were renting was sold and they had to leave. Ed had moved in with his girlfriend. I was making very little money and Joey was getting laid off every 89 days. Talk about a shitty thing to deal with. With all of that going on, and us (Joey and I) losing money in the weed venture, things were looking bleak for us. A week or two before we left California, I want to say in July, Bill and Sandy left for Jupiter Island, Florida. Bill was going to come out to Louisiana when I had my baby, but, due to us having to deliver her a week early, it would be the last time I saw Bill.

We would talk from time to time after moving to Louisiana. Bill and I talked a lot about Joey and all the things that went wrong. I told him a lot of things that had happened and he was a ear to listen. I know it wasn’t a cool thing to do, putting him in the middle of our problems. He was a voice a reason to us both. He was the one who told me that I had to get on this new social platform called FaceBook.

The years have crept by slowly, but they were gone in the blink of any eye. Before you know it, you get to the point where your friends start dying. Many of them are divorcing as well, starting over, thinking how do I start again at this age. I know that we will all die. There is no getting out of this alive. So hold your loved ones near. Kiss them and tell them how much they mean to you. Getting old isn’t for the faint of heart, but, it’s a true gift. A long life with lots of happy memories is the best we can ask for. Our lives are short compared to the span of time. We are not made to last forever. You never know when your last day is, so be kind to one another. Take a deep breath and let it fill your lungs. If you think about it, everyday is the first day of the rest of your life. Until it’s the last day. My heart hurts so much for my family. I wish I could come and hold your hand and weep together. I wish I could be there and say goodbye. I wish we all had more time.

Bill, I couldn’t have asked for a better friend. You were a man to look up to. I will cherish the memories of those brief years we all had together. I wouldn’t trade them for the world. Rest In Peace my friend. You were such a shinning spot in all of our lives. May the next ones give us all more time together. I will think of you every time I hear Soul Meets Body. A song you said was composed perfectly in the way the instruments blended together. I will remember you.

Until next time, dear reader, thank you for indulging me tonight. Good night~ 😓❤️💔💔