I’ve Been Meaning to Stop By: 3rd Edition

The last 10 days have been very blurry for me. Monday of last week, my father passed away. Peacefully, in his sleep in his chair in the front room at his home. I saw him just the week before. I had asked him if he could watch Silas for the afternoon. I gave him a big hug and said I love you before I left. And that was the last time I talked to him.

I live close to my parents. 1.2 miles.. I know, I’ve tracked it. I’ve run to their house on a number of occasions, I’ve run home from their house the long way at night many times. I haven’t been great about talking to them all the time. My little sister on the other hand, talks with them, or talked with them, daily. Of course she does. She’s on deployment. I completely understand that. I did the same, as much as I could. Though the last two of mine I was married and called him more than my parents. I had them on my Garmin Connect so they would see me running or if something happened, they could track me. There were many days I would get a text message from him while I was running telling me great job. He was so supportive of me running. We even did a few local races together.

My parents were married for more than 47 years. I only remember because I was born about 18 months after they were married. When my mom called and said I need you to come home, I knew it. In my heart of hearts, I knew this was what it was. When I got there, I had to park at the neighbors house because damn near the entire fire department was in the road at their house. I ran in, threw my keys on the bench and said, “What the fuck happened?!” Much to my surprise, everyone turns to look at me and Greg, one of the firemen he , my dad, worked with for years, walked up to me to tell me, He didn’t make it.

I can honestly say that nothing has ever prepared me for those words. I have thought about death a lot and mentally, I have never gone there with my parents. I love my mom and dad. My dad was my hero. In my mind, he ranks up there with the other heroes of my childhood; Indiana Jones and Joe Montana. He was such a San Francisco fan, for both football and baseball. I was told that the hardest part is saying goodbye while they are lying in the mortuary, but truth be told, it wasn’t that way for me. The worst part was watching my mom cut a lock of his hair, take his ring off, and say goodbye. I can still see that part so clearly in my head. It’s such a gut punch that it still takes my breath away thinking about it. I hope one day that will subside.

The rest of the day was pretty blurry. My mom and I were put into a fire truck and the entire Pinetop Fire Department, half of the police department, and a few others who were with us did a funeral procession to the mortuary. I was told it was something to see, my dad was such a big part of the community. He was the Fire Marshall; Fire Investigator for the last years that he worked with the station. So many people knew him. Thomas got to the house around 11 that morning, and he was with me while we got to say goodbye. It was the most surreal feeling. I know he’s gone, but I didn’t want to believe it. I still don’t. I just want him to come home.

Morning run he was tracking me on, passed by his house for a photo and hug

This is going to be the first Thanksgiving without him. The first of a lot of things in my life without him I guess. My little sister and her family are here still and having Thanksgiving with my mom. My mom asked me if I would ask Piper to please come live with her for a while, so Piper flew in on Friday and came up with my uncle. She will move in over the weekend. I’m so glad she’s home. I have missed her terribly. I wish she didn’t come home due to this. But she’s here now and that makes my heart happy. I know my parents house has been a revolving door for so many people coming in and out, wanting to help in any way. I’m glad there is a lot of support from so many right now.

My heart hurts most for my mom. She is the one who just lost her partner, her best friend, her companion, her love. They started dating 55 years ago, when they were 14. She says that they met in church and stated dating at that age. The story that I know goes something like he dumped her after a month for ‘big nose Becky’. They graduated the same year and went their own ways. They both had a daughter and had gotten married. It didn’t work for either of those marriages, practice marriages, and eventually they found their ways back to church in Tempe, where they first met. He asked her if she would babysit so he could go out, since she had a daughter the same age as his daughter. Life progressed, they got married, they had me and Alexia. I grew up seeing my dad as a hero who could do no wrong, and it seems that’s the general consensus of my sisters as well, and now, how am I supposed to go on in a world without him? How is she supposed to go on without him?

Obviously, life will go on. Divorce has shown all of us that even after the worst things happen, life continues. Reba’s “For My Broken Heart” really hits. The world isn’t going to stop turning for my broken heart. It’s a hard reality that I have to face, and one that my sisters and mom have to face as well.

He was a really cool dude. I used to describe him to people as this cute little blonde dude running around. His pants always looked way too big for him, but he had a great smile. And he always had a smile on his face and he could tell the best blonde jokes. Alexia looks a lot like him, whereas I look more like my mom. She got the same color hair as him as well. Anytime I ever needed him in my life, he’s always been there for me. Whether it’s when I asked him to come to Louisiana and pick me up and take me and Piper home, or can you watch Silas, or Piper when she was little? What is the square footage of an acre? And I can’t talk to him anymore. I don’t like being in this club.

My face has been salt crusted for a while now. I took my contacts out that day and knew I wasn’t going to wear them for a while. I can’t when I’ve been crying, and thus far, I’ve cried daily. I don’t know when I will stop crying every day, but, until those days come, I have to wear my glasses. Only time I will wear them is to run. I can handle it for that hour and some change. But only just. The first day back to work I felt like my head was spinning all day. The following day wasn’t much better, but, I didn’t cry at my desk. The third day I kind of zoned out. I have the next three days following Thanksgiving off, so I am hoping that come December, I can focus a little more. I’m not going to hold my breath though. Crystal came up on Monday evening, Brandy was there Wednesday, Alexia on Thursday, and Piper home on Friday. Brandy has gone home, Crystal has gone home for a while, but will be coming back up next week sometime. Alexia will be leaving sometime next week as well, but, I don’t know.

The first night, I slept in my room at my parents house. Second night as well. I couldn’t sleep. I’m still not sleeping well, but it was strange to wake up in my room. It still has the same colors on the walls, but, I was sleeping at an angle I had never slept before, so I had a very different perspective that morning. Everything felt so surreal, like a dream. I took the van on Wednesday with mom and Brandy and Crystal and as I was driving, I was thinking, I never got to do this with him. I never got to take him on a ride in the van. UGH! I feel so much guilt for not doing more with him, or being over there more often than what I was. I have been over there daily since then save one?? Two? I feel like my world has been crushed. I walk around in a half daze going through life.

Few days later ~

I’m still going over this all in my head and I can’t get it out of head. We have shared many photos from days gone by, I would like to state that I wasn’t always this cool, clearly, as evidence would suggest. I have pulled my box of photos out from under the bed a few times now, and I haven’t been able to open it yet. I want to. I have spent far too much time in the daytime looking at the photos I have on my phone. I will eventually, but I don’t know when I will.

I slept for the first time in two weeks last night. So much so that I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning. It was strange to feel like that. I know that I haven’t slept. I was reading something today that suggested I need to loosen up. Not in like a I’m bunged up kind of way, but more like I have been clenching my jaws so hard that I can feel the skin on my head tightening. I have been wearing my shoulders like earrings, and to be honest, I hadn’t noticed. I can feel all of the muscles in my body so very tense, and I don’t know about them being able to relax for a while. I have asked for a foot rub and that has yet I have been not able to really allow anyone to touch me right now. There have been many hugs with many people and those are amazing, but, I’m not a person who likes someone up in my bubble.

I want to run. Everything in me wants to run for miles and miles. Do miles to honor my dad, and yet, I feel stuck right now. Piper said I am depressed and I said, well, yeah, I’m pretty sad right now. I lost my hero in my life and I don’t want to have to deal with living in a world where he is no longer in. I just never thought he would die. Honestly. Somehow I thought my parents were going to live forever. And I know that we all die, it’s not that, it’s that I’m sad that I can’t talk to him right now. I can’t just pop over to their house and see how he’s doing. Or see what cool project he’s working on in his shop. I can’t go over and cut his mustache for him. And right now, he’s no longer in a solid form, he’s ashes in a box. Fuck, I hate this so fucking much!!

My husband asked if I was mad. I’m not mad. I don’t see a point in being mad at someone who is dead. Like what good does that do. I’m very sad about it. I’m so torn up that driving home from work all I can think about is him. I know that I’ll see him in my dreams sometime, but I haven’t yet. I know that he’s ok, and that he’s watching over us now… I wonder if the soul can be in many places at once… Kind of like astral projection, can I be here with them, and yet with the rest of the group as well? I don’t know, guess I will have to wait and find out. 🧐🧐

If you have stayed with me this long, dear reader, I do appreciate it. This the first person this close to me that I have lost so I am sure that I will have lots of thoughts on it, and will run and write about it. I will have to think of something that would honor him. Maybe run 69 days in a row beginning on his birthday, December 21st. He would have been 70. So young too… I never wanted to be part of the this cousins club, as my sister puts it. I just thought I would have more time. And I had a lot of time with him. I’m lucky that I am 46 before my dad passed. I got to have 16,841 days with my dad. More than so many folks on the planet. I’m a lucky kid too, he was something amazing for sure. He would bring me a glass of water when I was sick and throwing up and then hand me my toothbrush afterwards. He gave me my own birthday cards from him that had the Peanuts comic strip characters in it, since I used to read his old books from them. He would run with me. So yes, running will be my way to honor him somehow. Maybe the days consecutively will be something to shoot for.

It’s time to get moving now, time for sleep, who knows if it will come tonight, but the dog is looking at me waiting for me to finish so she can move to my side of the bed. Thomas is sleeping next to me, and Ella is sound asleep in the bed in the next room. I think I will run in the morning. Good night friends ~ ❤️

Our last family photo.. yes it’s a funeral

Memory Lane: The Dodgy End

It’s been a long time since I have thought about certain aspects of my life. I think after this evenings triggering, many miles are needed on figuring out how to work with/through it.

Bear with me, dear reader, I’m a bit shaky right now and will have to re-read this in hopes that it’s not too crazy. But not like the, oh that’s a wild fun story crazy, the kind that make your heart beat hard and you can’t breathe and you have to pace for a while…

Anyhow, let me explain. This past two weeks have been, well, three weeks now, have been challenging to say the least. With so much going on, I have tried to relieve stress and have not had a lot of good luck with that. I am grateful that I have not eaten my body weight in Ben and Jerry’s dairy free ice cream. I took a break and was sitting on the back deck just sitting in my swinging chair. I went in to the house and Tom is watching a movie, GreyHound??, with Tom Hanks and I watched with him for a few moments. There was a part where his character sounds general quarters. Now for those not familiar with this, it’s when a ship goes on high alert for enemy engagement. Everyone runs to their assigned spots and does what is needed while making sure to have what’s called Flashgear on. It’s super sexy, let me tell you. 😑.

For whatever reason, this set me off. I had to come upstairs and I was shaking my head and memories came flooding back. Many of all kinds and this then threw me into a panic attack. Yay panic attack. Knowing that it will pass, I did exactly what I’ve watched my husband do for three weeks, pace the floor in our bedroom while talking to myself. Dammit! It’s been years since this has happened.

I tried to put music on, but it’s not helping as much as I wanted it to.

Two days later…

The following day I woke up still out of sorts. I took my computer and worked out of the office for half the day. It wasn’t too bad of a day. I’m glad to go back tomorrow. I slept pretty good and today I didn’t go in. Had other things to do. I am hoping for good thing from that so fingers crossed but I will have to see how things play out for it.

Today was better. Took the dog for a walk this morning. Would like to again tomorrow. Not sure how cold it will be but I’m always prepared. Or almost always prepared. Even have a new dog coat so she can run in the rain and snow and not get soaking wet. I’m stoked about it.

Will have to go now. I’m getting tired and it’s time to put the phone down and go to bed. Good night for now…

A Running Hiatus: Podcast Edition

So it’s seems with so much in my country going on, I thought it was time to join the 21st century and start my own podcast.

What? Why? Well to answer the what, yes. I think it’s time I try my hand at doing my own podcast. I have got the equipment now and I have the computer capability to do so. The why though. Well it’s a bit complicated but not really.

I write. I write about running and related things. Trail runs being my favorite. Then when I was hurt I decided to do writing prompts to help the quality of my writing. I have been slacking a lot on it. But that’s what I was thinking of doing it on. I have all these ideas for writing but I want to be able to get more in-depth with it. Have a conversation about it. And for the first time in my life the idea of having my voice silenced because of what I’m saying, meaning it could be offensive to the federal government, is so very wrong!

We have built our country foundation that it’s ok to speak your mind whether others agree or not. That the press have a right to print what they find and now it’s searching for truth. If you want to truth, follow the money trail. That’s who runs the country, the ones who buy everyone else’s loyalty. The NRA is a prime example. People would rather be ok with letting kids die than enforce the already existing laws because how dare someone want to take away their guns. No one is coming for your weapons. We just think you should have a background check for it. Wait three days. The whole shebang. And quite frankly if there is a weapon that the military uses, I don’t think it should be available for purchase by the general population. It’s designed for war and combat. Killing people. But that’s my thought on it.

The real thing is I am not going to be silenced. I was thinking of getting a few episodes done before I start uploading it. Not sure if the name but for now, a running hiatus is what I’ve come up with. I’m going to do a live recording that goes with it, but I’m not sure where to go from there. More learning is needed. Maybe a YouTube channel might be the way to go. We shall see.

That is all for now. What do you think, dear reader? Anyone interested in it? Even if not, I figure I can send it to my daughter who moved across the country so she can see me and talk to me that way. Who knows, there could be guests and such but that’s where I’m at with it. Thanks friends for your support. It’s appreciated.

Upping Reps and Weights

My biggest issue lately has been getting out of bed. I have been exhausted so much that I don’t know if I’m coming or going. So much in life is going on.

However, my resolve to continue to use weights and run and do my leg exercises has not waned. Last week was killer. For no reason other than my heart is sad with missing my little one. She has moved to the other side of the country to try living with her dad for a spell. She’s not having the best time. And me, knowing that I can’t just run right out and grab her is sad because I know she’s sad. And homesick. And asked me why I let her do it. 😑🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

So I slept a lot more than usual last week. This week, I have changed my attitude a bit and managed to get up and go out three of the four days so not great but not terrible. We did get a lot of pretty photos.

I upped the weights last week. And I upped how many reps I’m doing. I looked at my week off as a kind of reset for me. This week we were back at it. 10 pounds and 15 reps. Two sets was all that I do, but I feel like for now, I’m doing good. Focused on things that matter. Keeping my knee limber, taking the dog out daily for her walk/run, and doing my daily journaling. It’s a great way to start the day. At least when I get out of the shower, I feel amazing. Then the morning comes. And it’s a crap shoot for work but it’s life. Daily. For now.

There is much in the works for life right now. I am loving my journal time in the morning. Gets me thinking and starting the day with a smile is nice too. It beats the alternative of getting up and reading the news. That’s enough to make anyone sad and cry and angry and raging… I digress. Besides it’s quiet and there is no one else around and coffee is fresh. And I do love fresh coffee. Mmmmmm… After thinking in the morning, then I get to do my exercises and my leg exercises and I’m loving doing that. I start sweating pretty quickly. And then I get to go run. I like to go out just before sunrise and see all the animals. Today I saw three deer 🦌 and some cats 🐈‍⬛ and birds. Of course the dog and sometimes we see other animals. One week I saw a family of raccoons 🦝 and then two days later, I saw three more raccoons 🦝 at the neighbors house eating the cat food. They were so cute!

Anyhow, more coming in the works these days. With the right to speak your mind being taken I have decided to start a podcast. I’m not going to be silenced. Not sure what I will do it on, but I have some ideas. Most a running hiatus kind of thing but it could go further than that. Equipment should be here soon so there’s that. I’m thinking I’ll do four episodes before I start posting them. Give myself some time and see how it’s received with an audience. We shall see. Have a great day friends. It’s autumn 🍂

Adding Weights

I was thinking about my running lately and the lack thereof. Also of my writing and the lack thereof as well. I have noticed that my leg is starting to not feel great and was sore a lot more than it had been. So I thought about it, and after watching a video on social media, where I don’t know, that had someone talking about not feeling like doing something like a run, it cut to a video of David Goggins saying “Fuck your feelings!!”. That gave me pause.

Big springs. The beaver was out checking his house

I have been saying that I wasn’t feeling it for a long time now, and seeing that made me realize that yeah, fuck my feelings. I needed that wake up call. I can’t say that since that time, all of a week, I have changed my life and mended my ways and now I am just killing it. Not quite.

I have saved tons of videos of abs moves I can do to help with the midsection as well as my back. I thought, I can add a few of those to my leg exercises. So I have. I thought I would start slow, so I’m only up to two sets of ten for each exercise, and I’m still pretty sore from the ab work, but, I put on pants today that were a little too tight two weeks ago. I can’t say that I’m seeing results already, but that would be nice. I did not however, go out for a run this morning with the dog. I got up later than I had planned. Which isn’t a big deal, it’s what it is.

Working on my abs is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I thought for sure they wouldn’t hurt this bad for so long, and I keep forgetting that when you stop doing things, when you start them again, things are sore and hurt for a while. I tried to run on the treadmill this weekend for my run on Sunday, and that gave me shin splints. So, I decided to go to the pool and do laps instead, and that was lovely. The water was cool, but not cold and then I sat in the hot tub with a very nice couple from New Jersey. It was a very good morning for me.

I am less than a week from starting but I am loving how my body is responding to it. Now the hard part is not eating a ton of cookies before bed time. I will go with my golden milk instead, which is far more filling and a shit load better for me. Tumiric is an anti-inflammatory that is activated with black pepper, so those are in it, as well as ginger, cinnamon and cardamon. I love Cardamon. I use that in my coffee daily, take the bitterness out of it. Thomas taught me that 🥰

I can say that I have taken some beautiful shots of the sunrise the last week.. Week, I say week, it’s been like 6 days. I’m a huge fan of the sunrise. I suppose it’s because I have been getting up early since forever and so I naturally just get up early. I would love to be retired and just sleep until the dog jumps on me to get up.. Which is around 6, but that’s sleeping in for sure. Of course, I am exhausted by the time 8 pm rolls around and want nothing more than to fall asleep, but that’s not the point. Might as well make the most of the time that I have when I am awake. I feel like I should get up when the alarm goes off.. at 4.30, but I tend to hit stop and then the alarm goes off at 4.42 and then I get up.. I need to be up earlier to ensure I get the run in. That’s the favorite part of the day. It’s still summer out so doing an evening run with the dog isn’t going to be a thing for a few months.

Being retired. I want to be retired. I want to sleep in, and drink coffee slowly while sitting on the porch swinging and watching the birds come and go, watching the squirrels come and go. Watch the sun come up and feel the warmth of the rays as they wash over me. Take a deep breath, and close my eyes and just relax. It’s all good. Moving slow and stretching and then running. How far depends on what day it is, or if I’m training for a race (which would indicated how far on what days, so that’s a redundant statement, but I’m going to leave it in, for the fun of it). Finishing the run and then stretching again, maybe spoiling myself with an ice cold hard cider afterwards. It’s apple juice, right? Sure helps with the poo. Can’t be that bad then 😉😁

I haven’t made any goals since deciding to do this again. I mean I want to lose weight but I feel like that goes without saying. I have simply looked at the things I am doing and trying to do better. Be determined to finish something. Like making curtains for the van.. Or finishing Kelsie’s skirt. Or anything else that I have started and never finished. I saw a documentary yesterday called The Shoemakers Dreams.. Loved that!! Any movie about shoes is all for me. I love shoes, wish they were more comfortable to wear though. This man, the one the show was about, invented the wedge heel. Genius if you ask me!! In it, he said, stay determined, no matter how much you want to quit. That kind of struck me as well… So fuck my feelings and stay determined. Guess that is how I will accomplish my desire, don’t stop until I’m done. I want to get to a comfortable size 8 in pants.. Not sure what the circumference of those would be, but, that’s where I would like to be. I want to have a fit looking body, but not just fit looking, actually fit. I added weights to my routine to help with this.

Nothing fancy, I’m using a 5 pound weight and doing simple moves with them, but, they are effective. They will go up in size as the time goes by, but, for now, it’s where I am.

I’m sure there are deer in there… somewhere

A week later:

I have still been doing my stuff. I’m actually kind of excited about it. I want to move up to 8 pound weights. I only have 10. Looks like tomorrow we will be doing 10 pounds for the weights.

I have twice felt like eating red vines for a snack and went for grapes instead. Eating salsa like it going out of style. I can’t help it. It’s fresh weekly at my house. Plus it keeps me pooping regular. 😁💩

I was bad and had drinks this weekend. Last night beer. A Kilt Lifter. The night before rum. Why? Well. Yesterday Little Gotro was driving so I had a beer. I don’t usually do those ones either, I like my hard ciders. But I wanted something on tap. The night before I had a rough day. I knew something small was going to set me off and then something did. And I knew I would milk it and let it piss me off and I did. So I had some rum and pineapple soaked in coconut water. So damn good. Then some rum and strawberries. Again. So good!! Am I angry with myself for not having a good food day? No. It’s not the end of the world. I might drink this coming weekend too but that because my little goose is leaving again. Let’s not talk about that one.

High Mountain Half race.. yesterday morning

How is the weights doing for me so far? Well, dear reader I am pleased to say that my pants are fitting better. In fact, I’ve been able to wear a size ten pants twice this week and not feeling like they are too tight. Work in progress is the best I got for you.

Will keep you posted on the weights thing. I think I could be onto something. Fuck my feeling indeed. Just do it.

Happy week friends.

Wednesday Appointment: Update

Unfortunately it’s taken me a while to get back to do an update. Turns out I’m fine. I have asthma but then I already knew that. And I have allergies. Again, something I’m well aware of. I’ll start a daily treatment once the meds get here. I guess that’s the only complaint I have about the VA at this point. It’ll take about 10 days before my new meds get here.

Other than that, the trip was nice. Went to Savers (a thrift store in Flagstaff) and got a new blanket for the bed. Oh wow is that thing soft. And a new overnight bag. I’m super stoked about that. It has a compartment separate from the clothes so my running shoes and Vans and Berks have a place to stay and not be with the clothes! That’s exciting! Thomas got some jackstands. It was rainy and beautiful and I remarked as we went through Holbrook, it’s such a lovely day. All dark and dreary and gray. Oh. I’m loved it!

I did find out that finding a coin appraiser is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. First they would tell me the value of the coins. Then they said they would buy them but for a fraction of their actual worth. And then they wouldn’t tell me what they would sell them for. Maybe over the summer sometime we will have to take a trip to Albuquerque to see if we can find something there. The place I found in the valley said they don’t deal in modern coins. Well shit, I don’t have any Roman coins. Bummer.

I did get my new lipstick that day. That was awesome!! It’s called Victory Red and it stays on my lips. It’s my form of protest of the current administration. From what I could gather about it, in the 40’s it was a form of sticking it to the man. In that case the man was Hitler. He didn’t like red lipstick. He thought it was trashy or not cool or not wholesome. So women would wear it. Weird fact, Eva Braun was found to have a collection of red lipstick so maybe it wasn’t that he disliked it, maybe he just wanted only his girl to wear it. I’ve been loving wearing it since then. Daily.

Family photo, but the lips are the Victory Res

We worked on Kelsie’s truck. Been working on that for many months now. Don’t do work on a vehicle if you don’t know how or aren’t willing to learn before hand. It’s been quite a fun time dismantling my daughters Tahoe, but, it something that should have taken an hour to two. Now, instead of costing $50 for it, we are at almost $500 later. New intake manifold, new distributor, new thermostat neck,… and the time it’s taken and the pain it’s inflicted is far more than we anticipated. Finished her truck. That was awesome to say we were able to do. I’m grateful for my husband and his ability to learn and willingness to take a project over when needed. We moved to getting the van worked on and we need a new expansion tank. Won’t be here until the end of the week. Until then we have my car and Kelsie’s truck. So at least we are back to two vehicles. Hooray!! -UPDATE- we finished the van repairs and are able to drive it. And now we are back to having to replace seals on it again. Dammit!! But we are up to three working vehicles again and I’m so happy about that! I

On our way for a picnic dinner and sunset

It’s summertime now. I was wondering to myself why is the sun up so early and then I realized it’s July already that’s why.

That’s all for now. Until next time, dear reader, hope you have a great day. Or night. Whichever. ❤️

The girls on Kelsie’s truck Sunday night

Wednesday Appointment: Pulmunologist

Today I get to go take a little trip to Flagstaff to go see a doctor. Let’s rewind a bit so you can see how I got to this point.

On Christmas Eve last year, I started to get sick. The next evening I was dying. I had a hard time focusing enough to get through dinner and my biggest worry was I hope I don’t get everyone else sick too. It got bad enough that after two weeks of feeling super shitty, I went to urgent care. Two ear infections and bronchitis. She said if the wheezing didn’t stop to come back and see her. I didn’t. Instead I waited four months to go see my PCP.

Now my PCP is currently on deployment in a place near the equator. I can’t spell it. I write to him once a month because he’s also a friend that I work with and deployment is long and tiring… I need to reply to his email… anyhow I’m seeing the clinic CMO or Chief Medical Officer. He calls me about a week or so before my appointment and wants me to do a chest CT and a pulmonary function test (PFT). I was able to get to chest CT done before my appointment. And labs done but that’s nothing exciting to hear about, because my labs say I’m super healthy. Yay. Took another week before I could get my PFT done. Once he got that information I got called back to his office to have him talk about the results. And the results say I have asthma and shitty lungs. He sending me to a specialist, a pulmonologist.

I don’t claim to know much of what I hear when talking to the RNs and our NP about medical conditions and things of that nature. I didn’t go into medicine, I went into massage. We didn’t go over didn’t diseases and things to help them. All I could get from them is I should be on some kind of daily treatment plan to help mitigate my problems. So far I’ve been using a thing with my inhaler before I go run. Seems to help a great deal. The appointment today is supposed to help clear up some confusion. My confusion. Like are the results of these tests so bad I need to see a specialist? Dear me.

I have zero idea what to expect but I suspect it’ll be far less invasive than going to the OB/gyn. Hooray for small miracles. I do know that my appointment will take at least an hour. I don’t know what they will do or things they will want to know about. Likely they will want to know that I use medical marijuana and have for I don’t know, the last 20 years. I’ve had an Rx for it to be clear. Yes. The whole time. Except when I lived in Louisiana and before it became legal in Arizona. Might be a good time to stop smoking but it’s the fastest relief to much of my anxiety and I don’t like having to wait for medication to kick in. We shall see. She will likely also want to know that I sit on the back smoke deck while everyone else smokes cigarettes. Ewww. I’m good without those. But I admit I do take a drag every so often. Super stress calls for it from time to time. And years go by between.

I have asked myself if I’m nervous about seeing the doctor today. Yes is my answer. I am nervous about it. I just lost two uncles to cancer, both of them served on active duty onboard ships in the 60s. Uncle Kenny was on the Bonham Richard (CV something). Watching the LHD with the same name go up in smoke just gutted him. It’s the name you see. It gutted me and I cried when I saw that ship go up in smoke. It’s the same platform as the Boxer. The last time I did an appointment with comp & pen I discovered I have a warning label on my medical record stating that I have been highly exposed to asbestos and I’m at a much higher risk with lung issues. This is what worries me. Mesothelioma is what scares me. That and them finding out there really was something on the ship that was giving everyone in berthing serious migraines.

Without having ever been to a specialist I have no idea what finding they will have. At 45 the last thing I want to add to my problem list is COPD. As a runner the last thing I need to deal with is lungs that won’t let me run. I already have enough issues with my left leg the last three years I don’t need something else to sideline my running. 🏃🏻‍♀️

Until this afternoon, I’m at the mercy of someone else and their knowledge. But, I get to go to Flagstaff. And Savers is a having a 30% off sale starting today and they have Greek food there! Hooray!! Not sure if I can eat there but I’m hoping. And I get to spend the day with my handsome love so that’s nice too.

For now, I’ll take the dog for a little run. She and I both need it. I’ll put some salve on my knee and stretch a little and go to the lake and back. It’ll be nice. I love mornings!

Stay tuned for the next chapter in medical life…. 😉❤️

Not sure the day last week but after a walk

Morning Stretching

Since my most recent injury, the knee, I have learned that when it comes to things, stretching may be the thing that I need. Ugh!!

As a runner, I know that stretching after a run feels amazing. A good long run, a long stretch session, hot shower and I feel like a million bucks! I know that I should stretch before running too. Therein lies the problem. I like to run in the morning. Before work which I have to be there by 7. So in order for me to get up on time and get a good run in, I have to be up and out the door before 5-515 depending on the distance. This means for me to be up and ready to get out the door I have to be up and moving by 4.30. And I can totally do that. I’m so down for that. But then, adding in the injury to the equation is where I’m having the problem. I have to now be up and stretching actively by 4.15. And for me I don’t get dressed to do my stretches in the morning so one would think that it would go faster. It doesn’t.

This morning, I had my alarm go off at 4.15. It does this daily. And then at 4.30 my phone wakes up. And then at 4.42 the alarm goes off again to get me out of bed. And then, as a last one, the alarm goes off at 5.15. If I haven’t gotten out of bed by then, it’s when I will get up. I don’t quite understand the issue I’m having these days. I want to go out and do more miles but something inside me is keeping me from it and I am not liking this. Stupid knee!

The worst part isn’t that I don’t get up, it’s that my beautiful girl thinks I hate her and I don’t want to take her out anymore. And that couldn’t end further from the truth. But she’s not always up for going out and doing the run that I want to do. I keep thinking I’ll find a solution but I have yet to come up with one. In my mind I keep thinking I’ll get up and take the dog for a nice walk. She’s not up for a lot of running these days but we can swing two miles in the morning. And then when I get home from work, change, stretch and then do my long runs. In my mind this works perfectly. If it wasn’t for all the things that have to get done when I get home. Like putting the clothes away, doing my language lesson, writing once in a while, check spelling, make sure the kids are safe while playing and do anything that Thomas might need help with. Then dinner, dishes, and take five minutes for myself.

I feel like these are all excuses but for me it’s not an excuse. I know that the time I have in the morning is likely the only time I will have for myself all day. And I know that my relationship with time needs some work (stupid ADHD), but it feels like there is t enough time to get it all done, every day. I miss so many things and I miss the sunrise. I will work on this week and check back in. Who knows, maybe something wonderful will happen and I can manage my time much better with less worry.

Buried under inches of snow the day before

Alright… time to start the day…

Sunday before the walk… looks like a spider died on my head 🕷️

A Running Hiatus: Do You Prefer Taking Risks or Having a Safety Net?

That’s a good question today. I guess it would depend on what we are talking about. Do I want to take risks with my family/ job/ relationships, not really. Do I want to take risks when it comes to doing things in life, well, that’s where I would say yes, I would rather take the risk.

Let me explain. I am a creature of habit. I have a routine that I do when I get up and I love it. I love to have my coffee while no one is talking to me, at least not for the first cup of it. I love to run in the mornings, though I have been terrible about getting out again. I love to do the same kind of things that feel comfortable. However, the only way to grow in life is to take some chances and risk things. Big rewards often come with big risks. Sometimes, those risks don’t always pan out like we hope for the results are the bad part of the risk. That downfall of Rome.. We seem to be seeing that more and more these days, but I digress. I can’t say that I feel like I have taken chances, but, when I look at what I have done in life, it seems I took more chances than I thought.

My first big risk was to join the military, the US Navy. That was a really big one. I made it through four and a half years serving on active duty before I was done. I wanted to stay longer, but I couldn’t. I had taken a big risk and lost it all. Had it not worked out like that, not sure where I would be today, certainly not where I am right now. I loved being on a ship and I love being on the ocean. I miss it. I miss the feel of the ocean under me, rocking me to sleep. I miss the smell of the ocean. I was on the water for more time of my service than I was on land. It was a big risk, but an even bigger loss. And it took a long time to work through it because to be honest, I never really got over it. (Side note: I truly believe that we don’t ‘get over’ things. I believe that we work through them and the pain of whatever it is, just dulls. It doesn’t go away, and you eventually are able to talk about it without getting upset, whatever it is you’re going through, but, you don’t ‘get over it.’)

I have put money into the stock market, and my TSP account is in the stock market, but while it’s crashing right now, I am not upset about it. I see that it will go back up and I will get it all back in tenfold. Is it upsetting to see it, yes. I hate to see people lose money. Unless it’s Elon Musk, he can fuck off back to South Africa. He can lose billions and I’m ok with that. Fascist prick! Sorry, where was I, oh yes, the stock market. I have tried to buy stocks on my own and I have lost a lot of money that I thought I was going to get back. So there was a time that the risk didn’t work out.

Recently, I have been given information that one of the risks I have taken, and it’s as a whole with the company that I own, the reward will outweigh the risk. I am able to get another year to work on this and I couldn’t be more excited. What is it, you ask? I can’t talk about it right now, but I will be talking about it in a later entry.. Just not today.

I would rather take the risk than not. There are times when it’s been good outcomes and there are lots of times when it was a bad outcome. Either way, I would rather try and fail, than live knowing I could have tried to do something. You only regret the miles that you don’t run. Even on the bad runs, I would take those over not running any day. The risk does not outweigh the reward. The reward is a clear mind and a healthy body. Those are never going out of style.

So, with that in mind, I will be going back to morning runs. With the dog. Hopefully she will be ok with doing runs, I’m thinking no more than like, three miles with the dog. She’s getting bored with our usual route so maybe that will help if I change it up a bit.

The running hiatus is over but the writing part is not. I will still be doing the writing prompts because I truly enjoy the thought that goes into it, even if proofreading and grammar aren’t going to be on point with them. So so long sleeping in, it’s time to move again 😁

A Running Hiatus: What Is Your Favorite Work of Art? What Do You Love About It?

I wonder, did they mean work of art, as in a painting, or art in general? Maybe I will go with both just for the fun of it. My favorite work of art would have to be a pull between two amazing and beautiful things. Both Hagia Sophia and The Taj Mahal. These buildings are so fantastic to see and so much detail to every bit of it. Hagia Sophia is from the Byzantine Empire, located in Istanbul and was built in 527AD. The Taj Mahal is was commissioned in 1631 by Shah Jahan as a burial place of his wife and is located in Agra, Uttar Pradesh, India. Both of them are considered to mosques. One is made of marble and the other of stone, but built by those crafty Romans who still have stuff standing more than 1,500 years later.. And I can’t get the road in my town to last more than a few years, clearly they had an advantage that we don’t.. Horse drawn stuff, and no semis. Oh well, progress right.

What I love about them both is how one is considered to have changed the face of architecture and the other is the Jewel of Islamic art. One clearly influenced the other with the domes and the decorative way it was built. I love knowing that the building was done so well, that when scientists try to figure out how the building was built to withstand earthquakes the way it has. Over and over again, they toil, building miniature scales of it and still, they can’t work out how the Romans managed to put it together in such a way that it is still here… nearly 1,500 years later. I have a theory that with the way they are finding out about how the concrete was made at that time, we may be able to replicate how they are able to hold for so long. Then again, we might not be able to figure any of it out. I feel like I’m rambling.. Sorry about that..

I don’t know how to explain why I love these two buildings or what in a general sense. I love how they look and I love how magnificent they are to see. I haven’t seen either in person, but, I have dreamt of it. I was close to being able to see the Taj Mahal, but, when I was in India, that tour was canceled. Seems for that deployment, the only two tours I signed up for, were both canceled. Weird.. 🧐

I love to see the way the lights shine on them at night when the photos are taken. I love to see how they look in the skyline against the rest of the city (Hagia Sophia) and among the green of the gardens (Taj Mahal). I have been to both countries now that I think of it… both while in the Navy though, on two different deployments beginning on two different sides of the United States. Interesting how the Navy took me to so many places.. it’s almost as if they use that as a slogan to get you to sign up.. If you get the chance to see the world, take it. It will open your mind and help you to see that there is so much more to our world than your own backyard.. Even if Dorothy tried to convince us to be happy with staying in a place that is going to kill you.. Conform girl…

It’s been a long enough time since that last time I have written anything that I wanted to publish, I feel like I’m just rambling right now.. But I have a lot to say about nothing. .. or do I have something to say after all? Is the weed kicking in yet?

However, if we are to assume that the writer of the prompt book wanted to know about my favorite piece of art and meant something that is painted or can be put in a container to be transported, then my answer is clearly going to be different. I have been to many museums and many cathedrals all over the world and I have been able to see so many wonderful works of art. I would say that my favorite piece of small art work would be a black and white photo taken by Ansel Adams in Clearing Winter Storm taken around 1937.

What do I love about it? What’s not to love about? I have a love of black and white photography and I will take lots of those. In fact when my older sister was married in January, I took lots of photos, most in black and white, and my little sister asked if I could please edit some back to color and send them to her. I have yet to do that. I didn’t remember until just now though, so maybe I will do that once I am done with this. Who knows. I like that when you see a black and white photo, it somehow feels like you’re looking into the past. I mean a photo is the past, but, when I say the past, I mean the past before color photos became a thing in the 60s? 50s? They capture details that the color photos just seem to not have. There is a crispness to them that color just can’t seem to touch.. In my mind that is.

All of these works of art are my favorites. I love Van Gogh’s work. And da Vinci’s work. Both taught us how to capture the fine details but they did so in different ways. Honestly, I could go on and on about different works of art. For me, as far as I’m concerned, architecture is my favorite. And who could forget the Colosseum. Rome built some amazing beautiful things that have stood for thousands of years. There is even a stretch of road that still remains that you can walk. Built by the great Roman Empire.

These are more than just buildings to me. They hold secrets and hidden places. They are held in my heart as the most beautiful pieces of art work.