So, this is now the second installment of I’ve been meaning to write. If you recall, the first one was last year around this time. I was describing how I recently had my brother-in-law pass. Then, 6 weeks later, his sister died as well. But, I hadn’t talked to him in a really long time. And I had been meaning to write, I just hadn’t. The same was true about Bill when he passed in March of last year. The same was true when David Wayne died. And the same was true of Ed when he passed two years before. I had been meaning to write to say hello and that I thought of them, and hoped that they were well, and life was happy. That’s all I wish for my friends, I want them to be happy. But life happens and days turn into weeks into months into years and before I knew it they were gone. I couldn’t say anything to them any more. Anyhow, you get the idea.
In doing massage for the years I did, I was able to meet many people who have come and gone in my life. I have loved them as friends.. and when I say friends, I mean like the ones that you love and want to keep company with them when they are sad, and make hot cocoa for when their soul needs love.. Sometimes it’s ok to add some amaretto if you like. Or other spirits if you and they are so inclined. I have been able to spend a lot of time with them and it was my great honor to get to be apart of their lives. I hoped that they all knew how much I have valued them all.
One in particular was Ms. Sharon. She was older than me, in her 70’s when I met her 8 or 9 years ago. I think it could be longer than that actually, more like 12 years ago… Oh my. Anyhow, I would still see her after I started working at the bank, and I only stopped seeing her in the last two and half years. I would say about 6 months after I began working at the VA, I got a message from my friend that I worked with at the bank, that asked me to call Ms. Sharon. I kept thinking about calling her after it was time to go to bed, always around 9 pm. In my own opinion, it’s rude to call after certain times and before certain times, 9 at night and 8 in the morning. Or I would think about it when it was Sunday around 11 am. When she was in church. And then a few weeks went by and I started to feel bad that I hadn’t called her and then weeks turned into years. I really adored her. I got a message Saturday from her son that she had passed that week. In so many ways, she was an amazing friend. And I hadn’t called. But I really did mean to call her. For a long time I felt like I could say she was one of my best friends. I listened a lot to her talk about her kids and her life and her job and things that made her angry and how much she loved her kids and grandkids. She was a joy to me. I often thought of asking for her mailing address so I could write letters, and I never did.
In recent years, I have lost friends and I’m hurt that they ghosted me. And I did just that to a woman I loved a great deal. I thought how much I have wondered why they wouldn’t call when I couldn’t do the same for her. And I did it to all of those who I lost in recent years, including my grandmother, whose been gone nearly four years now. I have the power to do things and I spend my time sitting on my phone, not doing anything worth writing about.
And that is the point I guess. I have wasted so much time just doing nothing. And what’s really funny, if I think about it, I could have done so much with that wasted time. Oh the what if’s. All of the should have’s. I should have said something. I should have taken action and done something. A call, a letter, a word of encouragement that I should have been given. So many of those should haves. And not nearly enough of the calls to them to say hello. In moments like this, I like to think of what runners like to say. You only regret the miles you didn’t run. You only regret the things you didn’t say to them when they were alive. The I love you for being you. I’m so grateful for your friendship. I have learned so much from you. I think that I have a good many people that I need to say that to now.
For the ones that have passed, there is nothing I can do for them. I can write letters to them that will never go any further than the fire that they are burned in. I can talk to them in my dreams if I’m lucky. I can talk to them while I run, but it’s never going to be good enough. I am certainly going think about all the things that will now always remain unsaid. Hopefully I won’t be making the same mistake with the other people in my life that mean anything to me.
The next day is never promised to any of us. It’s all just a guessing game of when it’s time to be done. Unless you have been given some kind of date of death, we are all just left guessing is this the day that I will leave and have a celestial passing. And at that point no one knows what the other side will be like. There is only the sadness from our regret of the things left unsaid and the times that we could have done something and should have, and didn’t.
I will miss Ms. Sharon something fierce. She was such an astonishing woman. She was beautiful and survived a lot of things in life. She was a bit abrasive when you didn’t know her, but she was kind and thoughtful and generous. She loved her family so very much and was so proud of all of her kids and grandkids. I am so sad that I will never again be able to hear her voice and talk to her. I won’t be able to hug her. Maybe this year I can do something worthy of those who have passed to honor them by making sure that the people that I care about know that I do. I will have to figure out a plan on it, but I think this is a good place start for the year. For it is the year of the Dragon. The Wood Dragon in fact. I looked it up and as a Goat in that particular sign, it’s looking like it could be a rough go. I will just have to work my ass off… In fact it said that I will need to work harder this year than last too. And that there will be some ups and downs, and some good and some bad, but fear not, good things on the horizon. Also discovered that my husband and I are not compatible signs. Said that we will just need to work a little harder at it than other signs that may be together. Oh what a ride. … 😳🫣😎😎😎🤩🤩🤩
Which brings me to my last point, dear reader. I hope that your year didn’t start off with messages like that. It’s never fun beginning the year with a funeral. I hope that if you do lose loved ones this year, and really for all years, I hope that you were able to say I love you. For all of the lonely veterans that I talk to, for all of the lonely people I have talked to, I am truly sorry for my behavior. I knew that a call would always be something nice and I didn’t do it. I am going to work on doing better, I hope that you will learn from my mistakes, and tell the people that mean something to you that they do. We could all use more love in our lives. 💕❤️❤️
Anyhow, that’s all for today. I was given the idea of doing a podcast. My friend Sara said that I should do it. I have looked it up, and the equipment is where I’m not so sure where to begin. Well, that I’m not so great with editing. What would I talk about, who would I interview if at all? I was thinking about a mashup kind of thing. Maybe do something like a writing prompt i.e. what was you fondest memory of your childhood best friend and go with that.. Hmmm.. well, here I go with that one. Another idea. I still need to revise the book again and then get it out to people. Oh to publish.. What a dream come true that would be! To be heard by people who want to hear my opinion on whatever and listen to cool music. You never know what kind of a mood I’m in. Could do a once a week kind of thing.. hmmm… lots of thoughts on it.. Not much action on it so who knows. Action. That’s the name for this year. Action and actually do it. I think it’s time to stop half passing my life and put effort into the things I do. Might be a good idea. Let’s start putting ourselves into our work and working hard at it and putting effort into it. Not going through the motions to get by until tomorrow. It’s time… Good night 😎
The Morning High Runner 