The last few days, I have had a hard time. With both running and life. Yay me, right? I have slacked off in running giving into the dogs’ whims of where she thinks she wants to go for a walk … And I have let her. Because to tell you the truth, I haven’t felt much like running.
I’m worn out. From running. From life. From working. I’m just tired. And I’m tired mentally more so than what I am physically. I’m tired of listening to the same conversation about the virus. I’m tired of being told that it’s a hoax. I’m tired of being nice to everyone. I have been wearing a zipper mask for the last few months. I like it. I had one man tell me he wished all women had a zipper on their mouths. I now wear it as a statement and a reminder of what NOT to do. I need to keep my mouth shut at work. I feel too differently from the people who I am around all day. And with my only seeming ally now gone and moving to be with her family, (for which I don’t blame her, I’m just bummed she’s gone, it’s hard to find good friends) and the other ally out today, I feel alone. And then the voices started. And they weren’t very nice today. They helped to make me feel worse than what I did.
It started out as an alright morning. Would have been the first morning that I would have had to wear my running lights, but I waited. And I waited and was playing on the internet. I don’t mind Instagram so much, but, the stuff that is being said on Facebook lately, makes me sick. There is so much hate and anger from so many different sources. I needed a break. I took it off my phone. For a few days at least, let my head reset and get back to normal. So, I went for a walk. Nothing too exciting about it other than I could have run it, and been done faster. I didn’t have any music or my phone with me for that matter. I admit I was a little nervous that my daily alarm to get myself in the shower was going to go off when I was out and then someone would have to run upstairs to turn it off. I made it in time. I got my coffee. I went upstairs and started to get ready.
I didn’t listen to music the whole time I was getting ready. And once I got in the car, it was whatever came on from my phone. But here’s the thing that made it even more fun for those voices of self-doubt. I was walking down the stairs, about to gather my stuff to leave and my wrist vibrates. It’s a phone call from Snapchat from my sisters. Not just one of them, two of them. And as we briefly spoke, the call went weird and dropped my younger sister. I talked to my older sister for a whole of 42 more seconds and then we hung up, she to go get clean and me to get to work. And then the thoughts started running through my head, like why would my sisters call me… and that’s when it hit me, why would my sisters call me? I’m not a mean person and I don’t hate my family, I’m usually pretty forgiving of all things when it comes to my family, but, that question still persisted. Why would they call me? I haven’t had any of mysisters call me in months. None of them, for at least four months. I get calls from my parents more regularly, but never, ever my sisters. And I have three of them. If we talk, it’s because I have made the phone call… (Ok, that’s not all true. Sister called me about two months ago.) It made me so mad to think about that in such a manner. So much so that I was in tears, trying to calm down before I was less than 10 minutes into my drive to work. And that’s about the time the voices really started in on me. And I started to think about all the areas of my life that I have failed or not been good at, and I felt like the world was falling on me. Why would I stay in a job I am miserable doing? Why don’t I have the desire and drive to change things like I want to show everyone? Why am I not good enough? Why am I not going to ever achieve my goals? Why can’t I be better than what I am? Mind you I’m still driving at this point. And not too far from where I started. What comes to mind at this point is, I’m on time for work, I really don’t want to have to stop and take a moment. I don’t want to have to try to make myself look presentable enough to where I can walk into work, and not worry about anyone asking have you been crying? I sat and focused my mind on the music. It’s what I like to call my worship music. It’s what I meditate to, it’s what I make love. It’s my form of worship, and I love it. A friend from long ago made it for me when we were in massage school. She named it Peyote Lullaby. It’s one of my most treasured gifts because it was music. It calmed me down. And I thought of my lover (my husband). He is my rock and I’m grateful for him and what he brings to my life.
I made it to work alright. On time. Yay, doing good today. I managed to silence the voices for a bit to get to work. I managed to stop asking myself questions that are self-destructive, though, I decided it might be a day for taking meds to help calm me down. So I did.
Work poses its own unique set of challenges on a daily basis. The conversation is still the same, every day, day in and day out. Aren’t you tired of this of stuff? Don’t you hate wearing a mask? Yes. To both of those questions, but, it’s not about what I want or like, it’s about what’s best for the common good of all people. My face is breaking out from wearing the mas. It’s not like it’s something that I love. However, I do have a collection of masks so it’s not so bad.
I have a zipper on the mask I have been wearing. For the second time today, I was told by a man that they wished women would have a real zipper over our mouths. The first gentleman told me specifically, that I should have a zipper on my mouth. The first time a comment was made today, I laughed as all I can think is, I will not stand for criminal abuse. But I feel like I have to just take the abuse from customers and move on because, well, they were just being funny, right? The good thing is I haven’t been told to smile in about 5 months, so there is that. And that wasn’t even the catalyst of it all. I got to hear from a younger man about how there is no glass ceiling for women in banking, men only make it to the top twice as fast because they have the drive and desire to get further than their female counterparts. Women put their families first more often than what men do so they only go so far. And I can see that as being a logical thing……. In a man’s mind.
Maybe I’m too sensitive about it all. Maybe I need to not be so uptight about it all. And then again, maybe not. For today, I will keep my happy face on and pretend that it’s all ok and that things are just as peachy as I wish they could be. But on the inside, for today, I’m spent. Perhaps I will run when I get home and blow off the steam of the day, but, you know, that could always prove to be problematic due to the fact that I’m a woman, and that in and of itself seems like a good enough reason to run other women over with vehicles.
I tell my husband being a woman is like being a 4 sided bladed sword. No matter how you touch it, you get cut. Dammed if I do, dammed if I don’t. What to do, what to do…
I feel like I don’t write much anymore. Like my thoughts aren’t welcomed by anyone. I feel like my thoughts are ignored and talked over. I feel like my thoughts and ideas have no merit or worth because I’m talked over so often. Mansplained over most areas in my life. I feel like I write for myself only since it seems no one else reads it. I admit it’s been quite a long time since I have written anything. And staring at a computer all day long doesn’t really inspire me to sit on the computer at home, but, it seems I need to. For myself at least. ~PeAcE~
The Morning High Runner 