The Finality of it All

17Jan2026

Just under a week ago, we finally said goodbye to my dad. We had the service on what felt like the coldest day of the year, well, so far. It’s only the 16th of January after all. But, as far as the winter season, so far that was the coldest day. My three sisters and my mom and I sat in the front row of the church. Was a strange feeling being in that place again. The church grounds themselves are a place I spent a good deal of time at while I was a young teen.

I had gone to Phoenix the night before to pick up my oldest sister, Brandy from the airport. I got up early enough to do a short run, seems like I need to make sure to get out in nature daily, even when I’m grieving. Outside was cold, as I said, the coldest of the year. I got to mom’s house pretty early. We all did in fact. It was a very strange day. We got to the church just before noon, the fire engines were already there. Talked for a few and then loaded up into the fire trucks. Got to admit, that was my first ride in the front seat of the fire truck. Or in a fire truck at all. I have got to ride in the ambulance before. Going code three, not as fun as the fire truck, but, also, not an event I will ever want to repeat. The ride to the funeral home was nice, we chatted a bit, Piper and Rae and Steven and I.

We got to the little room in the funeral home and it was hard for all of us to walk into that. We all stood around and looked at the box with his photo on it. I think we tried to make some jokes, but it was so surreal. Being there, seeing him in one of my mom’s favorite photos of him. He was so full of life and he enjoyed laughing. He made everyone smile. .

I have to say, I find writing this a lot harder than I thought I would. Could be the fact that I’m sitting on my bed, very uncomforably, or because I’m half watching a movie. Who knows. But either way, this is harder than I thought it would be. Life has been pretty stressful these last few months without Kelly leaving, but with him gone, it’s been……

23Feb2026

Today was the first evening run I have taken in a long time it seems. I have been feeling all kinds of lost lately and yet, there is a lot of good things that are happening right now. I saw a video today that I thought for sure dad would have really loved, so I sent it to him. I told him that I missed him and I could use his help a lot of days. I was lost in thoughts running, and while I did want to run for a lot longer than what I did, The Yolandi Dog didn’t want to run as far as we did, and I felt like I pulled her for a good half mile. Oh well. She enjoyed coming home. It felt good to run. It felt really good to stretch afterwards, but what I loved was taking a nice hot shower and then sitting down and making time for writing tonight.

I have been talking about doing a podcast recently and I have been stumped. And then I had thought about the book that Piper had given me the year before last for Christmas. It was book journal kind of thing that was called, Mom I Want To Hear Your Story. I thought about knowing and understanding that my parents had whole lives before I was born. They were mid 20s when I came along. I think about what I was doing in my mid 20s and have decided that if I ever had a book written about my life, it would for sure be banned in Texas 😁🤩😎

I have talked to my mom about doing that as an interview for my sisters and use that as a starting point to see how it would sound and then maybe do interviews of people. I feel like a lot of folks just want their story to be heard. To say things that have happened that they never would have thought to talk about with others. Maybe that’s a bit rich, maybe people don’t want that at all. I do know that when prompted, many are glad to talk all about them selves for how ever long they have. I wonder if doing this will be something that I love and I can quit my job and be independently wealthy and can do whatever.. I do worry about healthcare if that’s the case though…. 🧐🤨

Today at work was not my best. I wanted to stay and finish what I was working on, but, I decided that I would start the day with that tomorrow. And then check on the daily stuff. I like that I have a plan when I get to work. It seems to keep me more on track than on days when I am not really prepared for the day. I was also told that my friend at work took a position out of where she is now. I am bummed. Like super sad over this today. I was thinking about it and I feel like she is one of those people that I could call friend.. Like a true friend, and now I will get to talk with her from time to time, but, she’s got a promotion and I don’t want to distract her when she does leave. I feel gut punched, and sad. I will get through it and I’m sure life will keep moving. But when you find one of those females, like one of those female friends that you can always talk to, like a new sister, it’s hard to watch them leave. She’s going to be awesome in her new role though, and I’m excited about that for her.

I was also thinking about how I feel like I’ve lost my passion. To be fair, I feel like I have lost my passion for anything right now. Grief is such a strange thing to me. One day I can get on just fine and keep going like life is somewhat normal. And then something happens that make me think of him. Somedays, I cry when this happens, and some days, I don’t cry, but I smile and get a little misty-eyed. It’s hard to feel anything while grieving. I am happy often, but I feel like it’s a lie, and I’m not really happy at all. I mean, there is so much that I wish I could have asked him, or I could have said to him. I feel like it’s the most unfair thing that has ever happened; to finish the rest of my life with him not there. I am hopeful that one day in the near future I will be able to get some new Ink and I can get my days done. Soonish I would like to find the box that has all the stuff that was in my desk, so I can find the lunch bag, like brown paper bag lunch bag – that says love dad on it. I know that seems a little odd, I’ve had it since I was 12, but it’s the little things in life that make such a huge difference. Like thinking about my parents dancing in the living room. I loved seeing that. I never grew up with a couple that screamed at each other, and they would make out in the kitchen. Eww. I digress…

At one point in the beginning of my running journey, I saw a post on Facebook in one of my running groups and he said, ‘If you’re not obsessed, find something else.’. I thought about that a lot today while running. What else did I have a passion for? I think about this and I think of doing this right here, right now, writing. It’s my outlet and I miss it when I don’t make it a habit. I keep thinking that if I ever want to be a better writer, then I have to write. UGH!! I have not progressed in this category in quite a long time. I thought about that time that I took up playing violin. I truly loved doing it. I took a few lessons, and I loved it. She said I would be playing with the symphony within 6 months if I kept it up. And then COVID happened and that didn’t happen. And then I thought about all of the coloring implements that I have that go with all of the coloring books that I have. Weird how that happens. 🧐🧐

I want to feel like I have purpose again, and then it brings me back to what do I want to do with my life and how can I make that work for me in the world of having to work? I would love to go back to doing massage. I miss that so very much. So much that I have recently purchased some massage cream again. I had to throw out the old stuff, it had gone rancid. I would love to do that again, but more on my terms, no 10 massages a day. Charge what I know I am worth and get into it again. Take classes on doing massage and how to do things that make it better for me and the client. Following massage as a passion is writing and running. After that would be being creative. I love making music, but I also love to make art and paint and draw. It’s been a hot minute since I did any of that. I feel like it might be just the thing to help me deal with processing dad’s passing. I figure maybe I can start by just doing one thing at a time. One day at a time. Not like I can take one and skip a few days. I mean I could if I was doing the mead diet, but that’s not the case.

When the passion bug first bit me, these were the beginning of my medals

Anyhow, I feel like I’m a little fuzzy, so I’m going to call it for tonight and this post. I’m tired all the time these days. I wish I could blame it on something good, but I haven’t felt like I have had a good reason to not be able to do what I need to do. I feel like I’m failing. I will keep trying my best. But I could really go for a vacation right now. Something where I don’t have to plan any of it. All I do is show up, and we do whatever we please.

Good night. I’m falling asleep friends.

A Running Hiatus: What Person Knows You Best & How Did You Meet?

A long damn title today. You may have noticed dear reader that if you were to put in the website I just created, you will have noticed that it brought you right back here to this very page. Not a new one that I had thought I created. Oh well, Here we go.

There is only one person who really knows me best and I would have to say that is my husband. I don’t know how many others can say the same about their partner, but I know that I can say it about mine. We operate on the same wave length and that always makes me smile.

We met just over 15 years ago. We met in school for massage therapy. I was there because I needed to do something with my life, and he was there to start over in a new place with his youngish daughter and baby bird. It started off very well too. On the second day I knew he liked me, and after that day, according to Miss Charlotte, I mentioned his name every single day until we started officially dating.

At that time in my life, Piper was still just a little one. I had just moved into my parents house, again, and I had to send Piper to go live with her dad while I was in school. I had to, there was no way that I could send time with her if she was there due to work and school schedule. I worked from 5.30 – 2.30. Class started at 3 and ended at 7.30. By the time I would get home, it would be too late to even get to put her to bed. I struggled with that one. I hated sending her away, but at the same time, it gave me a chance to focus on studying. And I did, finishing top in the class.

Thomas and I started talking a lot more once the second semester started. We would stand outside of the classroom talking, sometimes for many hours before I would go home. There was just something about him. There have been many ups and downs in our relationship, but I still chose him daily. When we are talking about something, he’ll say it just as I’m thinking it. We agree on food and drinks, we get to go shopping together and enjoy one another.

During the course of the school year, I took some weekend classes, the ones that I loved the most, being the reiki classes. Durning one of the days we were working, I remember Carole, our instructor, saying to just clear your mind. Empty it of all things. And for a moment, with my eyes closed there was all blackness all around in my safe spot. And then his face came into my line of vision. I knew there was something more to this person than just the guy in class with me. I dove deeper into studies and the more I learned and healed, the more he came into my view. By the time we got to our first hands on class, it was into him. We were doing a project together and Carole said that tomorrow night, we will be working on each other and that we will need to pick a partner. Without missing a moment, he asked if I wanted to be his partner. 🤩🤩

Other signs were there. That first night that I got to work on him, he fell asleep, and I was so relieved. The next night, we switched and I was on the table. He did the first long efflorage stoke down my back and lifted his hands and was like whoa.. The teacher came over to find out what was wrong and he said that my skin turned hot as he rubbed down my back. Shit, he knew that I liked him. It didn’t turn out to be a bad thing though. On the first night back from winter break, we partnered up again and he was again the first to be worked on. I put my hands on his shoulders and again, the whoa! statement came out. Said that I shocked him and he felt it all the way in his toes. 😳

I find it very easy to love him. We laugh together, he laughs at me when I cry but there are times that we do cry together. We have fun together and he’s the only one I want to go on adventure with. We have moments of anger with each other, but, it’s a safe place for him to be angry just as it’s a safe place for me to be angry. There have been many things that could have torn us apart and I keep choosing him. He has my heart ❤️ We have our fair share of arguments and we have a difference of opinion about many things, but one thing is for sure, he will forever be my always. ❤️

The Cobwebs on the Lamp

In our living room, we have a sectional that I really love. It’s not the over stuffed kind that I see so often, but more of a modern modular kind, in blue. It is divided into two pieces, one with three sections and the other with only two. The one with the two, is next to the window and I like to sit here. The other one just faces the TV on the north side of the house. I have been sitting here a lot lately.

I was having a hard time yesterday with it all. The waiting, the wrong billing from the hospital, the bullshit of the whole thing. I can’t run. I can’t walk. I can’t carry my own coffee into my building. I have to use my pockets to transport my coffee mug from the office to the break room so I can have some coffee. It’s been three weeks now and I’m now able to use one crutch while getting around the house. I don’t dare try to use it long distances. Though that would make getting into buildings so much easier. Oh well.

I have been getting cramps in my foot. Like in the arch and that ooooh, hurts a bit. I feel like it’s a less bad than getting a Charlie horse in the calf, but, still a bad feeling. I don’t know why I get them either, but whatever. I know that I haven’t been drinking enough water. I know that I really want to, but it’s a huge pain in the ass to actually get up. Luckily I get to have shorts on for the weekend and it makes life easier for me for two days.

Today when I got up, I started cleaning my room. Cleaned off my dresser and my nightstand and I put the clothes away. It was a great morning. We had a good lunch, and then took a trip to get flower and then came home. The day hasn’t been anything special, but, I am considering doing a special writing series. Not sure if I would be able to stick to it, but, given how I am going to be on the computer a lot more for the next few weeks, might as well take advantage of some opportunity to work on getting better at writing in general. I have been saving screen shots for…. well, ten years now. Damn, and I have a lot of them. I recently found a series of questions that was designed to help prompt your writing. Reminds me of my two favorite English classes. In 4th grade and then again in 8th grade. What made these two stand out as years to remember you, dear reader, may be thinking? They have the same thing in common. A writing journal with assigned prompts.

I can tell you that I kept my 4th grade journal, however, I don’t know what happened to my 8th grade journal. The latter class however, is more memorable than 4th grade. Is it because it was more recent than 4th grade? 🧐 My 4th grade journal is filled with passages of how much I was in love with this boy named Glenn. 🤦🏼‍♀️ There are at least half a dozen to a dozen entries that cover this dude. In 8th grade, we covered more interesting times. I remember reading the book Jacob Have I Loved. I remember the day Kurt Cobain was found dead, we talked about that in class and one of my classmates, Lizette, wore a Nirvana T-shirt that day. 💔 I remember having a bad day and not wanting to write about whatever it was the topic of the day was. And instead I wrote what was on my mind. I remember my teacher, Mr. Medlock. He was our track coach. The writing was something that I loved in both.

The more I think about this idea I think I will.. So, dear reader, I have decided that for the time that I am down, since I can’t really write about running, though I will be updating as needed, I am now the proud owner of the new blog arunninghiatus.com .. It’s still processing, but I will be doing the very same thing I did all those years ago, by tackling some of the most interesting topics I could find to help me improve my writing. I mean, we can all improve, right? I will let you all know when that is up and running. I am going to be using some prompts that I found on Pintrest years ago. When I was still hanging out with Belinda and Lacey. I am very excited to be using these as they are some good questions about life and I don’t think I will be adding many photos to it, like I do here, but you never know. I’m thinking mostly like short essay style writing. But I wanted to try something new and different and maybe even challenge myself.

Once I am finished with this video I am working on for the business, I will be focusing on finishing my book. As you may remember from a years ago, I wrote a book about what to do when someone dies. What do you need to do first and second and what to expect. Some helpful phone numbers and some fill in the blank places about your own wishes. I even leave a little space to write your own obituary. Why not? I had to read my uncle Tim’s obituary recently and it was written in first person narrative. So very beautifully done. Made me realize that I never got to know my uncle. And I really didn’t get the chance to grow up with my cousins. Once we moved to Kingman, it’s not like we were at each other’s birthday parties anymore. So why not write your own (**Random thought **I may have been a bit rash in going in for the .com page but I’m learning much about computers and webpages and designs and video editing, might as well start to really learn it all.) .

I even get my own email address.. Like I need another one to keep track of. julie@arunninghiatus.com Almost feels like a big step to pay the extra for that. It was total of less than $15, so it’s not like a big spend but, we shall see how it goes. How exciting. I have exactly 172 questions that I will be asking myself. I may actually make that 200 if I can find those other questions. I will be posting the questions here, and should you wish to know my thoughts on one specific, I suppose it would be cool to write to me, now that I have my own email address. I feel like a grown up now. Weird. 🤩😎

I feel like this entry, dear reader, has been very scattered. I am sorry for that. I started writing and then I had to go pee. So I got up and then I decided that I was feeling a bit peckish and needed a little snack. So I went with a small glass of orange juice and some chocolate frosting. Now I have lots more energy to keep writing and then I came back to my computer thinking about should I buy the domain and do something a little different in writing. And very rash me usually does. However, I won’t do that again. But to be honest, I’m pretty excited about this all. Something different. Something new. And should this work out that I can figure it out and get it to work like I want it to, I can do this for the business as well. That would be cool that I could do that, but one thing at a time. My goal for today has been met and then after that, I thought I would write until the battery is fully charged again and then I will be done for the night. And then start all over tomorrow. I’m actually smiling about that now. Work until the battery dies and then do this until it’s charged again, and I promise one lasts longer than the other and it’s not the writing part of it. I will do some more research for tomorrow’s video work, I have to do some editing from the internet again and I forgot how to do that.

So many projects are being taken on right now, and I’m ok with that because I need to get the lead out when it comes to getting the stuff for our business done. We have a deadline and I need to be done with this a while ago. Why so busy all of the sudden? He found property and I found house plans. I want to make this happen. I know that I can do this. But one project that I took on, has come to a stand still until the video is done, and that is Kelsie’s skirt. It’s in that final stage of being put together and I won’t work on it until I am done with this. This is too big and too important to stop and do that. That and my knee hurts when I sew, so that’s not going to happen until I can do more with my leg. I know I have been slacking on this and I am tired of being scared of succeeding. It’s time to just go for it and stop stalling and just do it. So this is me doing just that. And I guess it had to take me getting knocked down to get on it. While I’m at it and on the computer, why not do something brave and different.

If you have stuck with me this long, dear reader, I do thank you. I will be still updating here as I mentioned because this one is my first writing spot, but I will be able to answer questions you may have had about my running or what topic of conversation I should tackle for the upcoming blog arunninghiatus.com. Drop me line sometime.

Night all, I’m too tired to keep going until the battery is charged. It’s time to go watch the end of the show I was watching for a while, when I was upstairs with Thomas. Well, he was sleeping and I was lying next to him to snuggle. It was about a WWII C47 that was the actual lead plane on D-Day, dropping the 101st Air Borne Division. First of their kind. This one was named That’s All,,, Brother! Kind of cool and interesting to learn about it. Didn’t realize it was a 2.5 hour documentary. I had to take a break and thus came down and picked up the computer again. 😎❤️ ☮️

I’ve Been Meaning To Write…

Normally, I would make this about writing here for you, dear reader however, that’s not the case today. For the last few days and weeks, I’ve been thinking about my older sister and how I need to send her a letter, since I didn’t have her number anymore and she hadn’t sent me anything stating that she changed her number. It was a first for me. I knew she changed her number when I text her about a month, two months ago and the text message color went green (we all have iPhones). I have looked at my desk repeatedly seeing the stack of stationary that I haven’t touched in more than a year, and say to myself, you need to write to your sister. And everyday I found another excuse to put it off. I have gone so far as to check the obituaries in her local newspaper and with great relief she’s not there. Not a peep that I can find. She left social media and didn’t want to be contacted. I miss her. She has the amazing smile and laugh. And she’s beautiful.

No, she didn’t die. Last night I got a phone call from my mom telling me that, said sisters’ husband was found dead that morning. His 49th birthday. They have no clue how to get in touch with her. So, they – my parents – call the local police station in her hometown, give the address and have them do a welfare check. She was able to call my dad, but she was in so much pain they had to call an ambulance to take her to the hospital. This was in the span of about an hour.

Little sister, Jeff, oldest sister, my mom

Once again I had to tell my daughter of another person she knew had passed. Those conversations hurt so much. And there is no nice way to tell her this. No easy way to say it and give her any sense of peace. She was little when they moved across the country, it was in 2014 if I’m not mistaken.. I could be, but that would make her, 8. Such a cute sweet thing. She is still cute and sweet, she’s just older. And since she was 11 I’ve had to tell her of all the deaths in her life. Twice this year. I think growing up I had a year with 4, but I can only recall 3, so who knows.

All this time, it’s going through my head, I’ve been meaning to write. I have been meaning to write, and I have no excuse that I can give you other than I just didn’t do it. Made me think that old saying the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

My sister and her husband were still married as well, though they have been apart for more than two years. I hadn’t seen him since June of last year. I used to message him every once in a while and again, I just haven’t done it lately. They had been together since 1997? 1998? I remember first seeing a photo of him and baby Mason. He had pink hair. When I joined the Navy, I couldn’t get my tongue ring out and there is another photo of him using pliers to unscrew the ball so I wasn’t sent back from boot camp. They went through a lot together. He’s been there my entire adult life. I used to call him brother and not by his name. And he was a smart guy. Before I got out of the navy, I talked to them both on the phone at great lengths. And the time they visited me in California, we went to Mexico and got one of those old time photos together. I had just got my 2005 mustang. Like the day before. Had less than 200 miles on it. And it was a fast car.

I didn’t cry at first last night. In fact I didn’t really cry at all, I was more in shock than anything else. This morning I began crying. I told my boss this morning when I got in about it so he was aware of it. I came home early. As soon as I crawled back in bed with my husband, I began to cry. At this time, I don’t know any more than what I have shared. She is still his next of kin and that’s all that I do know. I really do miss her. I will be writing to her. 😔😭

UPDATE:

It’s now been about 3 weeks since Jeff passed. Today in Prescott, his best friend is doing a celebration of life. I didn’t go. I will be in March when they have the one with the family. I will get to meet my nephews as men and my nieces as women. Young, but adults. I will get to see Mason again. He has his moms smile. She has a great smile.

UPDATE TWO:

It’s been just over two months. I still find myself looking at his photo in Snapchat and thinking about how much it hurt to stop talking to him and cut him out completely because I had been made to feel guilty of having a friendship with my sister’s ex. He was a good guy.