I have a confession to make dear reader. I have gone through the whole of my life thinking I was concerned about others and taking care of those around me. But when shown the other perspective, I realized I am not the woman I thought I was.
In my mind, I am thoughtful and do nice things for others. In my mind I give my family what they need and do so without asking anything. In my mind, I’m pretty cool. However, I had my behavior pattern pointed out to me. I am not the things I think I am. There is no “goes without saying” because it somehow slipped my mind that no one can read my mind. I hate these hard truths about myself. But at the same time, it gives me a new way to see the person that I am.
Nearly sunset
Personally, I wish I could blame it all on my changing female body and the hormonal changes that come with getting older. I’m not a spring chicken anymore, so I know my body is doing the weirdest shit possible. I can see that I do all the good things for myself, drink water, move my body regularly, not binge eat Harbro gummy bears when I want to because they are there and delicious. And yet. Somehow I feel like my body is slowing down and telling me that I am getting older.
I wish I could lie to myself and say it’s because I’m stressed out. We are all stressed. This is more than it’s just stress. This is me not taking a good look at me and seeing what my best friend, my partner sees in me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a sign of an ending to us. No. Quite the contrary in fact. I am not objective when I look at me. I want to think I’m some kind of modern, everyday, run of the mill, small town person. I like to think of myself as being pretty but not too beautiful because to be beautiful is to be vain. And I think I’m fucking awesome at being alive but don’t want to be too prideful. Insert the soliloquy of America Ferrera in the movie Barbie. Wow. Well done sister!
Frozen lake now
I have come to see myself in a different way. I’m slower, easier to anger, and faster to forget. I put in a lot of lip service and I don’t mean it. I was asked recently, that if it came down to my parents and sisters or my husband and his daughter, I would chose my sisters. And it’s stuck with me since then. I was thinking about it at work too. And it makes me wonder.
I feel like this needs to be said. I have presented like that for a long time. It was in little things. Such as the photos on my Lock Screen. Now I open it just to see the photos. I have loved writing and yet I have never written to advocate for our girls. There is so much that I have left undone (I feel an underlying theme here lately 😑👎🏻).
Since then, and when I say then I’m referring to when I started this one in November.. November 15 to be exact, I have began taking a low dose of estrogen. I started looking at people in life for who they are, not just who they are to me. That one is a hard one. I have put a lot more thought into making my relationships better. Showing affection and using a softer voice. That’s not an easy one either. Stayed off my phone more with the kids over and played with legos and cars and Buzz Lightyear. I am being an active part of my life again and running again (except for today when the Yolandi was very clear that she wanted to go home. And I know from previous days like this, that she will ensure we go back with her way because that is her way!). I find joy in my everyday life and I’m so grateful for it all.
Love black and white shots
Action needs to be a dominant force. Action needs to be my new word. Am I setting a resolution? No. I want to look at it like it doesn’t have to be a lot of progress. Just forward progress. Forward with the business. Forward with writing. Forward with a podcast. Just forward.
I feel like forward action is the theme I am going to be embracing now. Forward action to get further this year than last.
I have been running again. Not too far or anything but I’m going to finish my 1024km challenge this year. I have forgotten that it will make me sore in parts that haven’t been that sore for a while. It’s almost like starting over but I already know what to expect so there isn’t any guesswork. I had to loosen the dog’s harness yesterday after our run because she just wasn’t in it at all. I’m going to be adding miles this coming week. I haven’t done the loop in so very long it’s time I see it again. And early will be better as the ground is frozen and I can get away with being in the mud on the side of the road. I’m looking forward to running this year. I don’t have any goals for it, but I’m taking it easy this month and will be upping miles a great deal next month. If I can hit about three miles a day, that will give me a good deal of miles. But I’m wanting to get better times too so I’ll be doing work at home too. Like stretching and strength training. Oh it’ll be amazing!!
That glare😁❤️❤️❤️
Anyhow, dear reader, if you got this far I thank you. I have wandered off topic a bit but I’m getting there again. I have a lot of work to do on myself. And today is the first day of the rest of my life. Unless it’s the last day of course. Happy Friday to you all. Let’s go have an adventure. 😎❤️
I was looking over the drafts that I had started a bit ago and thought that these were worthy thoughts that I wanted to share with you, dear reader, so I am going back over them and finishing those thoughts. Some are going to be painful and hurt, and some are silly and who the fuck knows what the hell I was thinking at that time. I didn’t want to leave it hanging any more. So, for tonights installment of my random weird thoughts, I give you my thoughts on the day that they were originally written, corrections being made only in grammar and spelling, and then the results, or the end of those thoughts as they are now. Hopefully more educated, wiser, better informed. I hope that it makes sense and that you will forgive me for not finishing the thoughts the day they came to me. I do tend to loose the inspiration if I don’t get it all done in the first sitting. Which, interestingly enough, is talked about in Steven Kotler’s books, an author I will be talking about later, though, it might not be either of the books that I will tell you about in this selection.
The Suset in color
January 1, 2021
All day today, I was playing on social media when taking a break from re-arranging the living room -this is to allow for better use of the space. I noticed that everyone was talking about the year and how this year is holding a lot more promise than that of last year. I am no different I am afriad. I love the New Year for that reason. I like that it’s a time of reflection, of perspective, of hope, and of what good is to come. I like that when I was growing up, it was our duty to come to dinner with a list of two things. First was what are we grateful for. What kind of wonderful things happened that we could remember before dinner that night, because, really, we didn’t have that until the last minute. And the second was our list of our New Years Resolutions. In thinking of it, I would like to think that it’s because my parents wanted us to take a look at our selves, a bit of introspection or self evaluation if you will. To take a look at ourselves and see if we could make ourselves better people in the process.
I haven’t really made resolutions for a long time. I don’t like the idea of making a point to try to do something or be something or lose something or gain something. I want to be realistic in what I can do and what I think I can do. There are some goals that are lofty that I have and there are some that I would like to accomplish, and then there are some that are a bit unlikely, but would be lovely, like building my own house, or rather, having my dream house built for me. Last year I set out to run a marathon and you know it, I did it. I wanted to run 1500 miles, and I made it to just under 900 miles. Am I disappointed, no, not really. I could be really hard on myself and say that I was lazy, but, in truth, I just became really overwhelmed and lost it. I wasn’t shut down during the pandemic and it was a lot harder on me than what I would like to admit to online. I had a hard time, and I made it through it. For now at least. And so, with the amount of stress that I have been under, I give myself a lot of slack and don’t allow for the thought of I’m being lazy. No, I’m not lazy, I’m exhausted. And there are days when I have to listen to my body and hope that my dog will forgive me for not taking her on our walk.
My grandmother passed this past year, just over a year now and I made a decision to run for her, for each year that she was alive, 87. Then, I signed up for a 500 mile in 95 day virtual race. I guess that what I wanted to set a goal that I knew I wasn’t going to hit and I tried anyway. I made it from April to December taking a total of 43 days off with only three days missed from the 19th of June until October 3rd. And then it was more like take day, workout like five days and then take two or three days. I made it 325 miles in 95 days, which was really good for me, I am so glad I did it. In fact, I got the shirt after submitting all my miles and an email was sent out saying that since we had put in so much effort into it, they were going to send us all the medals and shirts. It’s my favorite shirt right now.
I wanted to take up playing my trumpet again, and while that hasn’t happened, Covid did instead. I have the trumpet and have moved it upstairs where I will put a mute in and practice up there. As for making it into the symphony, well, right now isn’t the best time for it. So I will just practice and keep going.
I have put a lot of thought into what kind of goals do I want to set for myself. I have come up with two so far, and I will tell you, dear reader what they are now. First of all, I love taking photos. I love the beauty of the sunrise and sunset and I love seeing how the landscape looks at first light. I also am vain and love taking selfies! Not that I think I’m all super great to look at, but, I just enjoy taking the photos. So with these two things in mind, I will give you the goals. To go along with my love of photos, I am going to dedicate this year’s photos to black and white only. Why? For a few reasons actually. I have always thought that the contrast of the black and white photos were so amazing. Take Ansel Adams and his shots of Yosemite or Yellowstone. Or for instance the photo of the sailor and the nurse after the victory of World War II. I love it. When I got married the first time, I had made sure to buy black and white film for it. When I got photos done professionally when Piper was only 6 weeks old, my favorite one was a black and white. When I moved home, I was getting up from dinner with my parents, and I saw the photo again, they had a small version of it, and I said, I look so good in black and white. I wish I could marry a guy who only sees in black and white. Now, unbeknownst to me, that’s an actual thing. And wouldn’t you know it, the man I married, sees only in black and white and about 13 shades of gray. I see more than a million shades of colour on the spectrum. I can’t see it clearly, but, that’s not the point. I want to take a year and look at life the way that my husband does. I hate that sunsets are lost on him, but, I will do my best to capture it as close to what he sees as I can understand. I watched It’s a Wonderful Life in Technicolor for the first time, or rather it was just coloured over, but, it was too much for me, I wept at it. It was so strange, so I can only imagine how odd it would be for him to try to process what our world looks like to him. He says colour sighted people are handicapped in that we don’t know how to describe our world to him without using colours. He wasn’t allowed into the Marines because of it. I had a hard time when we first started dating trying to explain things without colour or how to describe a colour. I can say with confidence now, that, I have gotten better at it. I’m not the best, and trying to understand how he gets by with this kind of limited vision. There are many things that I have already been able to see and be stunned by them.
The same spot, the same time, the day… without color
For the next part of my resolutions, I wanted to take the year and take the filter that I love so much to use with Snapchat. I love doing my post run selfies, however, in the summer time especially, my face gets so red and flushed when I run because of how hot I get. Living in Arizona is great, but the summers are brutal at best. Even living in the mountains, I’m not immune to the heat of the desert. I love the filters because they take the red that is in my face naturally and it makes it look so much less hot. Less like I’m on fire. Oh well.
New Year’s Eve, Last day using my favorite filter
March 29, 2021
For the most part, I am doing well with my goals for the year. I have been commissioned to do a photo of the mountains and the sky in black and white, so I think I could be on to something with this. I am thinking of doing the masterclass series with Annie Lebowitz.. The last person who took a photo of John Lennon, and not to brag but I was born on his birthday and his mother and I share the same name. Which makes us cool peeps together. I love the idea of taking photos of the place around me and that others like them and want them as well.
I added another goal after I first decided to have resolutions. It was to listen to books on tape when I was driving to work. I mean, it’s over an hour daily, I might as well learn something while I am doing that. I can tell you for sure, dear reader, that I am loving these books. My favorite author so far is Steven Kotler, who has written many books, 15, of which I have listened to 7 with an 8th in line, but, the ones that I’m crazy about are the ones that discuss neuroscience and how when we do something, like put in the correct word in the crossword puzzle, what the biology of our brains is doing at that time. There are now reasons why I will play a bit of mind games, think Sudoko or Majong or something that is going to require that I have to use strategy because I will count on that little squirt of dopamine to help pick my mood up if I’ve been feeling less than stellar that day. I also love the books written by Vishen Lakhiani, The Code of The Extraordinary Mind and the one that I am currently on, The Buddha and The Badass. And trust me, there is so much in these books that I wish I had the hardcopies of so I could refer back to them on a regular basis. Well, I did purchase the latter two books and the two of Steven Kotler’s books, The Rise of Superman: Decoding The Science of Ultimate Human Performance and Stealing Fire: How the Silicone Valley, the Navy SEALs, and Maverick Sciencists are Revolutionizing the Way We Live and Work, for my nephew for Christmas. Whether he reads them or not, we shall see… I think he would really like Stealing Fire. The idea was to turn my drive to a time where not only could I relax from the day, I could also make myself a little bit better as I did so everyday.
There was another one that I had thought of, but, it must not have been that important since I can’t remember it at all. I mean I thought it was important but I didn’t write it down, and therein lies the problem.
I would like to add that altogether this isn’t a resolution as is it more of a stand on things I can’t support. At the beginning of the year, Nabisco introduced something amazing!! Gluten Free Oreo! I couldn’t have been more excited about cookies I wouldn’t normally buy but now I can. I had gotten two for Piper, and after only getting two cookies collectively from those two bags, got myself a bag. And then I found another one and bought that one too. As I had taken a week and a half to eat them, I wasn’t paying that much attention to them. I happened to turn the package over and read the list for the ingredients. I was crushed to see palm oil listed as the second item. No!!! I threw away the last two and haven’t touched the other bag. I also gave up eating containers of frosting for the same reason… it would take me months to eat that, I wasn’t like eating it all at once.. ewww.. Just need some sugar. And it was dark chocolate sugar. So good, until again, I see that the second item listed is palm oil. Why is palm oil a bad thing you may wonder. I don’t agree with the conditions in which it’s made. I have to take a stand somewhere. It’s not much, and it’s food that I really don’t need to eat, so I guess it’s not something I could consider a loss, but, I will miss double stuff cookies. Because really, anything other than a double stuff Oreo is just a diet Oreo.
~
The last month, I have had a hard time with getting back into the grove of things with running. It seems to me that I am consistently having a slow month in March. Maybe it’s my subconscious telling me to take a breather for my anniversary. Liking going into hibernation for the Ides of March. For two weeks, on each side of it. Give or take a few days. I managed to get through David Goggins 4x4x48 at the beginning of the month, and then my body took a lot longer to recover than I thought it would. And then I got sick, well, a head cold and that threw me off too. Or rather I got sick and then recovering was hard since it was only a few days after the challenge that I got sick. Hmmm.. I may be onto something with that… Who knew
Here comes the sun…
I am slowly working back into it. I am going to be working on my training because I really enjoy it, and it’s not dreadfully hard, so maybe I can shave some time off of my miles. Today was hard to get out of bed, like usual, but I did manage to do it and get going. Last week I started off this way too, and I discovered that being prepared helped a great deal when getting ready to go run. It wasn’t a spectacular run, but, the sunrise was lovely. I am about to head upstairs and get my stuff ready for tomorrow so I am ready. I want to be better. I want to get things done, I do so much better when I have got my run in!! Like the whole day is so much better when I get up and go run. And I need to get a good night’s sleep. I am looking forward to that. I’m looking forward to starting the day right. Makes for a happier day altogether. Anyhow, for now, Peace kids~
The Morning High Runner 