The Finality of it All

17Jan2026

Just under a week ago, we finally said goodbye to my dad. We had the service on what felt like the coldest day of the year, well, so far. It’s only the 16th of January after all. But, as far as the winter season, so far that was the coldest day. My three sisters and my mom and I sat in the front row of the church. Was a strange feeling being in that place again. The church grounds themselves are a place I spent a good deal of time at while I was a young teen.

I had gone to Phoenix the night before to pick up my oldest sister, Brandy from the airport. I got up early enough to do a short run, seems like I need to make sure to get out in nature daily, even when I’m grieving. Outside was cold, as I said, the coldest of the year. I got to mom’s house pretty early. We all did in fact. It was a very strange day. We got to the church just before noon, the fire engines were already there. Talked for a few and then loaded up into the fire trucks. Got to admit, that was my first ride in the front seat of the fire truck. Or in a fire truck at all. I have got to ride in the ambulance before. Going code three, not as fun as the fire truck, but, also, not an event I will ever want to repeat. The ride to the funeral home was nice, we chatted a bit, Piper and Rae and Steven and I.

We got to the little room in the funeral home and it was hard for all of us to walk into that. We all stood around and looked at the box with his photo on it. I think we tried to make some jokes, but it was so surreal. Being there, seeing him in one of my mom’s favorite photos of him. He was so full of life and he enjoyed laughing. He made everyone smile. .

I have to say, I find writing this a lot harder than I thought I would. Could be the fact that I’m sitting on my bed, very uncomforably, or because I’m half watching a movie. Who knows. But either way, this is harder than I thought it would be. Life has been pretty stressful these last few months without Kelly leaving, but with him gone, it’s been……

23Feb2026

Today was the first evening run I have taken in a long time it seems. I have been feeling all kinds of lost lately and yet, there is a lot of good things that are happening right now. I saw a video today that I thought for sure dad would have really loved, so I sent it to him. I told him that I missed him and I could use his help a lot of days. I was lost in thoughts running, and while I did want to run for a lot longer than what I did, The Yolandi Dog didn’t want to run as far as we did, and I felt like I pulled her for a good half mile. Oh well. She enjoyed coming home. It felt good to run. It felt really good to stretch afterwards, but what I loved was taking a nice hot shower and then sitting down and making time for writing tonight.

I have been talking about doing a podcast recently and I have been stumped. And then I had thought about the book that Piper had given me the year before last for Christmas. It was book journal kind of thing that was called, Mom I Want To Hear Your Story. I thought about knowing and understanding that my parents had whole lives before I was born. They were mid 20s when I came along. I think about what I was doing in my mid 20s and have decided that if I ever had a book written about my life, it would for sure be banned in Texas 😁🤩😎

I have talked to my mom about doing that as an interview for my sisters and use that as a starting point to see how it would sound and then maybe do interviews of people. I feel like a lot of folks just want their story to be heard. To say things that have happened that they never would have thought to talk about with others. Maybe that’s a bit rich, maybe people don’t want that at all. I do know that when prompted, many are glad to talk all about them selves for how ever long they have. I wonder if doing this will be something that I love and I can quit my job and be independently wealthy and can do whatever.. I do worry about healthcare if that’s the case though…. 🧐🤨

Today at work was not my best. I wanted to stay and finish what I was working on, but, I decided that I would start the day with that tomorrow. And then check on the daily stuff. I like that I have a plan when I get to work. It seems to keep me more on track than on days when I am not really prepared for the day. I was also told that my friend at work took a position out of where she is now. I am bummed. Like super sad over this today. I was thinking about it and I feel like she is one of those people that I could call friend.. Like a true friend, and now I will get to talk with her from time to time, but, she’s got a promotion and I don’t want to distract her when she does leave. I feel gut punched, and sad. I will get through it and I’m sure life will keep moving. But when you find one of those females, like one of those female friends that you can always talk to, like a new sister, it’s hard to watch them leave. She’s going to be awesome in her new role though, and I’m excited about that for her.

I was also thinking about how I feel like I’ve lost my passion. To be fair, I feel like I have lost my passion for anything right now. Grief is such a strange thing to me. One day I can get on just fine and keep going like life is somewhat normal. And then something happens that make me think of him. Somedays, I cry when this happens, and some days, I don’t cry, but I smile and get a little misty-eyed. It’s hard to feel anything while grieving. I am happy often, but I feel like it’s a lie, and I’m not really happy at all. I mean, there is so much that I wish I could have asked him, or I could have said to him. I feel like it’s the most unfair thing that has ever happened; to finish the rest of my life with him not there. I am hopeful that one day in the near future I will be able to get some new Ink and I can get my days done. Soonish I would like to find the box that has all the stuff that was in my desk, so I can find the lunch bag, like brown paper bag lunch bag – that says love dad on it. I know that seems a little odd, I’ve had it since I was 12, but it’s the little things in life that make such a huge difference. Like thinking about my parents dancing in the living room. I loved seeing that. I never grew up with a couple that screamed at each other, and they would make out in the kitchen. Eww. I digress…

At one point in the beginning of my running journey, I saw a post on Facebook in one of my running groups and he said, ‘If you’re not obsessed, find something else.’. I thought about that a lot today while running. What else did I have a passion for? I think about this and I think of doing this right here, right now, writing. It’s my outlet and I miss it when I don’t make it a habit. I keep thinking that if I ever want to be a better writer, then I have to write. UGH!! I have not progressed in this category in quite a long time. I thought about that time that I took up playing violin. I truly loved doing it. I took a few lessons, and I loved it. She said I would be playing with the symphony within 6 months if I kept it up. And then COVID happened and that didn’t happen. And then I thought about all of the coloring implements that I have that go with all of the coloring books that I have. Weird how that happens. 🧐🧐

I want to feel like I have purpose again, and then it brings me back to what do I want to do with my life and how can I make that work for me in the world of having to work? I would love to go back to doing massage. I miss that so very much. So much that I have recently purchased some massage cream again. I had to throw out the old stuff, it had gone rancid. I would love to do that again, but more on my terms, no 10 massages a day. Charge what I know I am worth and get into it again. Take classes on doing massage and how to do things that make it better for me and the client. Following massage as a passion is writing and running. After that would be being creative. I love making music, but I also love to make art and paint and draw. It’s been a hot minute since I did any of that. I feel like it might be just the thing to help me deal with processing dad’s passing. I figure maybe I can start by just doing one thing at a time. One day at a time. Not like I can take one and skip a few days. I mean I could if I was doing the mead diet, but that’s not the case.

When the passion bug first bit me, these were the beginning of my medals

Anyhow, I feel like I’m a little fuzzy, so I’m going to call it for tonight and this post. I’m tired all the time these days. I wish I could blame it on something good, but I haven’t felt like I have had a good reason to not be able to do what I need to do. I feel like I’m failing. I will keep trying my best. But I could really go for a vacation right now. Something where I don’t have to plan any of it. All I do is show up, and we do whatever we please.

Good night. I’m falling asleep friends.

Three Weeks Post Death

It’s inevitable. We all die. No one gets out of this life alive. My dad used to make jokes about it like, when I die I want to go like my grandfather; peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car. Or another thing he used to say was everyone is dying to get to the cemetery. Stupid jokes of course but they used to make me laugh.

There has been such an outpouring of love and support from everyone. All over the country, all over the state and even from the Pacific Ocean… that would be my little sister who was on deployment. He work led as a fire fighter for more than 20 years. All of them from the time I was in high school on. In fact he didn’t go full time at the department until it became a full time opportunity. Before that, they had a day crew and then volunteers for nights and weekends. I used to go to the station and watch Bevis and Butthead with him because we don’t have MTV at home. And I was told no I couldn’t watch it at home.

I try to see that death isn’t the end of life, it’s just another stage of it. I’m not worried about his soul, I’ll leave that to others, I just know that he’s ok. He’s safe and now he gets to be part of my life only in my memories. I’ve listened to his voicemail a few times and watched old videos of him and the kids just to hear his voice. To hear him laugh again. He always had a smile on his face and when he walked into a room he lit it up with his endless energy.

Of course as his child I knew him differently than coworkers. Growing up he was out of town a lot working. That started about the time I turned 7 or so and lasted until the year or two following my high school graduation. Not always out of town but working for the state took him to a lot of places. He worked in Prescott while we lived in Kingman, and then once my mom’s job took us to Pinetop, it took a month or two before he could get transferred to their Show Low office. I still drive by it and think of him being there. He worked as natural resource department clearing trees and other bits of shrubbery from the shoulder of the road. It was after this particular job with the state that he got on with the fire department full time. And boy did he love that!

Personally, I’m not a blood and guts kind of kid. I don’t want to see things coming out of your body that is supposed to be safely inside the body. So I know my calling isn’t the same as his, but he had so much fun with it. Yes, there will be calls that I remember him being on and the way it took a toll on his mind and his heart. He said the first day he ever worked after getting his EMT license was a suicide that didn’t work. After many years of seeing that exact kind of call he would say they should offer a class called suicide: doing it right the first time. Yes, terrible I know but anyone who I’ve met since then who has worked as an ER person or EMT/ Paramedic, they will agree. It’s gut wrenching to see that so many try and fail and in that process alter the trajectory of their whole life. Good bad or otherwise. And just to be clear, suicide isn’t something to joke about but you have to make light of it or the job will put you in therapy for life. There were countless car collisions that he cleaned up dead bodies off the road and that would gut him completely. It takes a special kind to do this job. And I’ve only known a two that I grew up with who have taken on that job as well.

In trying to cope with it, I’ve gone back to work (as if I could just not go 😑) it’s good to have something to take my mind off of the obvious. I have a great support system who is working with me to help me with anything I need. I am grateful for my coworkers, they are pretty amazing.

Few days later…

Was driving around town doing stuff and things hanging out with the kids. There was a truck that pulls up to us, we’re driving the same speed and he pulls ahead and I look over and see the load of wood. Do you ever know when it’s the last time you do something like that with them? Like I never knew it would be the last time to hug my dad when I did. I’ll never be able to go get a cord of wood with him either. What hurts is the not knowing it was going to be the last time I got to hug him. It was the last time I got to say I love you daddy. And yes. I still called him daddy. When I wasn’t calling him Kelly. There are no more birthday party with my mom. No more Christmas seasons we take a full day to have his birthday. No more laughs. Fuck!! This fucking sucks!

I don’t know how my sisters are handling this. I know that I have to keep going and I have to keep doing my thing. Keep working. Keep living. Just keep livin. I imagine everyone who has lost their father, or people who have a close relationship with their fathers, all go through this. That feeling like your compass star has disappeared, like your lost on the ocean, dead in the water. And that ocean, well, it never stops. The waves just keep coming at you. I know eventually I will move through what I will consider the hardest part, but not now. Not today, certainly not this year. Not likely I’ll ever really get to the point when I don’t cry thinking about it. Maybe one day I’ll stop seeing him in his chair dead. Maybe one day that day will stop playing in my head over and over again. But not today.

Today, or tonight rather, I shall put on my favorite Christmas movie and watch George C. Scott portray Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge, and be sad. Sad that I don’t get to hear my dad laugh again. Sad that I can’t hear him telling his grandkids to put stuff away or to come play. He’s not going to show me whatever cool thing he’s got going on in the barn. And I’m never going to be the same person I was when I was with him. Because only he could bring that out on me.

I used to cut his mustache. We would go outside on the back deck, weather permitting of course. It would take me nearly an hour to do his face, get the old man hairs out from his ears and his eyebrows and do some basic trimming on his hair. I would take a gummy before hand and we would listen to classic rock and laugh together. I will miss that.

And with life throwing more curve balls than I can hit I’m starting to unravel it feels like. I know Piper is worried about me but I wish she wouldn’t. I know life will go on and things will change, it’s inevitable. Life is change. But for now, I will do my best to just keep livin. It’s not like I can take days and be knocked out for many at a time. That’s not reality. Reality is going to sleep and not knowing if I will wake up at 2 or 3 and not be able to go back to sleep. Reality is getting up with heavy feet and go running. I’m still debating my running to honor him. I want to set up a certain distance, 6.9 km. Equals about the distance of running around the lake daily. I think I may do it. Or at least make the commitment to do it. But right now I’m still not able to commit to much of anything.

If you have read this far, dear reader, I do appreciate it. I’m not doing well right now but life changes frequently and so I know this is but a fragment of time in my life that I will be feeling like this. I know that his memory will be honored and that he won’t be easily forgotten by me, my sisters or my mom, or my community. He was kind of a big deal in the community. He was my hero. I think Kelsie said it best. He had a way of making you feel like you could do anything. Which is why my girls will be heading to school soon to train to become fire fighters and EMT’s. He would have been so damn proud. 🥲

And now I shall rest some. It’s been a long day that has been very loud. I’m going to braid my hair and head to bed. Good night~

The Sundae Column

The last few weeks have been trying to say the least. I know I’m not the only one whose life has been affected by COVID-19. However, I have been able to work and for that I’m grateful that I am still able to maintain.

It’s been on the minds of everyone that I know. From the people who come into the bank to the ones who live in the next room over.

I feel like I haven’t written in a while. I’m pretty sure that I haven’t. My fingers are cold and tired and I am having a hard time trying to focus. My stomach has been hurting for a while now. I’m pretty sure it’s stress. Stress from it all. As restrictions have kept many inside, I am one of the essentials, and therefore I am one of the ones who are able to go to work to help the world keep function in some way. It’s been about 4 weeks now since this has taken ahold of the community where I live and work. Many weeks longer in other parts of the country and the world. In fact, I feel like being called an essential worker is a lot nicer than saying we are human sacrifices. And to be honest, that is how I feel when I get to work in the morning.

In the last few weeks I have seen, even more than usual, that the all mighty dollar is what rules the world. People are dying in mass and we are worried about stupid shit. I feel like there is a large portion of our society that think others are blowing it out of proportion and it’s not a big deal. I have heard that drinking black tea will keep you out of harms way so it’s alright to just go about your daily life like there is nothing to worry about. I have heard that the virus doesn’t survive in heat so we need the summer months of our Arizona summer to hit us sooner rather than later. I have heard that masks aren’t really going to do anything so we shouldn’t worry about covering our mouths.. That one being my favorite from POTUS. I have even heard we should start WWIII with China over it… All I could think of at that very moment, as I was recalling that bit of news, was a line from The Princess Bride when Wesley is about to rescue Princess Buttercup, Vissini says, Never get involved in a land war in Asia. I don’t understand a lot of what others are thinking or what Fox News is telling them to think. It’s almost as if the US is seeing what this is doing to our allies and our enemies alike and we just put our heads in the sand and say it’s not that big of a deal.

And yet, we have already surpassed the number of deaths in any one country. The community that I live in hasn’t had anyone they know really get sick from it yet, so it’s still like this mysterious thing that only affects other people, those who are bleeding heart liberals who live in big cities. Serves them right kind of thought. I feel like it is the same thing that happens when people start to have it happen to them or their families. Once it becomes personal, that’s when we start sitting up and taking notice. Like gay marriage. What the fuck? Like it some how invalidated any one else’s marriage? What the fuck ever! It was never about politics, it was all religion.. Until it started to happen to the politicans. People had to fucking die in order for others to see this wasn’t a joke and this is about being treated like a human. If you are against it, wake the fuck up and pull your head out of your ass. It’s not about you anyhow. Love has no end, isn’t that what the Bible teaches? yeah.. I read it too. Maybe that’s what should be taught instead. Love is endless and love is beautiful and there are so many kinds of love that the book talks about. There was never any punishment for being gay either. But that book is very clear that if you’re a divorced woman, you shouldn’t even be alive. Adultry made the top ten list on that one too.. I digress

Where was I?

…???

Oh yes, Australia. Just kidding… 🙂 The issues coming home. I have a strong belief that there are many out there who look at an issue, be it human rights or otherwise and think it’s no big deal, why do we have to honor fill in the blank. But then the issue comes home for them. It becomes personal, it effects their lives directly. Some will look at it from a new perspective and see that this is something worth while to fight for because it now involves someone they love. There are others who don’t care about that and will continue to have the same ideas… I can’t help them. Though I hope that one day they see that being able to give our love to another person is truly something to strive for. Love really is beautiful.

In my country, we are divided on how we should handle this new kind of reality. I have been saying it’s now week 3 of The Twilight Zone. I have no doubt suicide rates are about to skyrocket and in about 10 months we are going to have a baby boom.. One thing I saw today, and it was also pointed out shortly thereafter, is there are so many people right now in my country who are shouting we need to just be able to get back to work. They are saying well, it’s only so many people who have died from this, it’s not really that bad.. they are the same people who shout out about we should ban abortion for good in this country. Wow.. talk about a switch. As a woman in this country, I find it disgusting how laws are allowed to be passed solely on religious beliefs and our rights are taken away. We are promised to have a clear separation of church and state in the 1st amendment in the Bill of Rights. But for the life that’s here already, they don’t give two shits. They don’t care about a mother’s life if her’s is in danger, she’s not allowed to terminate a pregnancy. They have gone so far as to say that having an abortion is a prison worthy crime. Yet, for the life that is here, with our hearts beating wild and free, fuck them. They don’t deserve to live. It baffles my mind. I don’t understand that in any way.

For me it’s no surprise that so many are going along with what Fox News tells them think. They always do. It’s ok, they are entitled to be told what to think. I have no problem with that. What I do have a problem is when you’re attitude about a world wide pandemic is that you think it’s no big deal, what are we all so worried about. I have a problem that you have so little regard for life. I have a problem that you have no problem with being a carrier and you can give it to others who may not have as good of an immune system as you do. I have a problem when the Almighty dollar means more to my countrymen than the lives of the ones who live in this country. We are facing a fucking Greek tragedy here. Like a real life thing. I don’t understand how so many cannot see the reality of what the outcome could lead to. Things that could be prevented if we listen to and follow the precautions given by the CDC. Wear a mask when outside of your home. Stay the fuck away from people. Don’t think this is going away simply because we are going a bit stir crazy. The more you gather the more it will take off again and again. I’m sickened to think of what Michigan is going to go through in about three weeks, after yesterday’s protest of their shutdown. It’s going to effect the world economy in ways we, my generation and the baby boomers, have only heard about. It’s going to devastate many billions of people. In my country, if we don’t get it under control and start to follow what is being told to us, we stand to lose a lot of people. Like someone you know. Or someone you know has lost someone they know or love.

It’s coming. Whether my fellow countrymen chose to believe it or not, it doesn’t stop it. I can only hope that when the smoke clears, I can hold onto the ones I love again and enjoy the little things in life. An adventure far far away with my husband, a snuggle with my girls and their babies, a race with my sisters, a run through the woods with my dog, a picnic.

Until then, I will keep running. I love that I am still able to run. I will do the best I can with what I have. I will smile and try not to stress over things I have no control over. And as of today, I will be including a totally op ed piece once a week because I can only censor myself in writing for so long. And since it’s my page, and I can do what want, I will be having a sundae column, with the same title, so you if you don’t want to read it because you are tired of reading other people’s opinions, then that’s cool. I get it. Whatever.