The Finality of it All

17Jan2026

Just under a week ago, we finally said goodbye to my dad. We had the service on what felt like the coldest day of the year, well, so far. It’s only the 16th of January after all. But, as far as the winter season, so far that was the coldest day. My three sisters and my mom and I sat in the front row of the church. Was a strange feeling being in that place again. The church grounds themselves are a place I spent a good deal of time at while I was a young teen.

I had gone to Phoenix the night before to pick up my oldest sister, Brandy from the airport. I got up early enough to do a short run, seems like I need to make sure to get out in nature daily, even when I’m grieving. Outside was cold, as I said, the coldest of the year. I got to mom’s house pretty early. We all did in fact. It was a very strange day. We got to the church just before noon, the fire engines were already there. Talked for a few and then loaded up into the fire trucks. Got to admit, that was my first ride in the front seat of the fire truck. Or in a fire truck at all. I have got to ride in the ambulance before. Going code three, not as fun as the fire truck, but, also, not an event I will ever want to repeat. The ride to the funeral home was nice, we chatted a bit, Piper and Rae and Steven and I.

We got to the little room in the funeral home and it was hard for all of us to walk into that. We all stood around and looked at the box with his photo on it. I think we tried to make some jokes, but it was so surreal. Being there, seeing him in one of my mom’s favorite photos of him. He was so full of life and he enjoyed laughing. He made everyone smile. .

I have to say, I find writing this a lot harder than I thought I would. Could be the fact that I’m sitting on my bed, very uncomforably, or because I’m half watching a movie. Who knows. But either way, this is harder than I thought it would be. Life has been pretty stressful these last few months without Kelly leaving, but with him gone, it’s been……

23Feb2026

Today was the first evening run I have taken in a long time it seems. I have been feeling all kinds of lost lately and yet, there is a lot of good things that are happening right now. I saw a video today that I thought for sure dad would have really loved, so I sent it to him. I told him that I missed him and I could use his help a lot of days. I was lost in thoughts running, and while I did want to run for a lot longer than what I did, The Yolandi Dog didn’t want to run as far as we did, and I felt like I pulled her for a good half mile. Oh well. She enjoyed coming home. It felt good to run. It felt really good to stretch afterwards, but what I loved was taking a nice hot shower and then sitting down and making time for writing tonight.

I have been talking about doing a podcast recently and I have been stumped. And then I had thought about the book that Piper had given me the year before last for Christmas. It was book journal kind of thing that was called, Mom I Want To Hear Your Story. I thought about knowing and understanding that my parents had whole lives before I was born. They were mid 20s when I came along. I think about what I was doing in my mid 20s and have decided that if I ever had a book written about my life, it would for sure be banned in Texas 😁🤩😎

I have talked to my mom about doing that as an interview for my sisters and use that as a starting point to see how it would sound and then maybe do interviews of people. I feel like a lot of folks just want their story to be heard. To say things that have happened that they never would have thought to talk about with others. Maybe that’s a bit rich, maybe people don’t want that at all. I do know that when prompted, many are glad to talk all about them selves for how ever long they have. I wonder if doing this will be something that I love and I can quit my job and be independently wealthy and can do whatever.. I do worry about healthcare if that’s the case though…. 🧐🤨

Today at work was not my best. I wanted to stay and finish what I was working on, but, I decided that I would start the day with that tomorrow. And then check on the daily stuff. I like that I have a plan when I get to work. It seems to keep me more on track than on days when I am not really prepared for the day. I was also told that my friend at work took a position out of where she is now. I am bummed. Like super sad over this today. I was thinking about it and I feel like she is one of those people that I could call friend.. Like a true friend, and now I will get to talk with her from time to time, but, she’s got a promotion and I don’t want to distract her when she does leave. I feel gut punched, and sad. I will get through it and I’m sure life will keep moving. But when you find one of those females, like one of those female friends that you can always talk to, like a new sister, it’s hard to watch them leave. She’s going to be awesome in her new role though, and I’m excited about that for her.

I was also thinking about how I feel like I’ve lost my passion. To be fair, I feel like I have lost my passion for anything right now. Grief is such a strange thing to me. One day I can get on just fine and keep going like life is somewhat normal. And then something happens that make me think of him. Somedays, I cry when this happens, and some days, I don’t cry, but I smile and get a little misty-eyed. It’s hard to feel anything while grieving. I am happy often, but I feel like it’s a lie, and I’m not really happy at all. I mean, there is so much that I wish I could have asked him, or I could have said to him. I feel like it’s the most unfair thing that has ever happened; to finish the rest of my life with him not there. I am hopeful that one day in the near future I will be able to get some new Ink and I can get my days done. Soonish I would like to find the box that has all the stuff that was in my desk, so I can find the lunch bag, like brown paper bag lunch bag – that says love dad on it. I know that seems a little odd, I’ve had it since I was 12, but it’s the little things in life that make such a huge difference. Like thinking about my parents dancing in the living room. I loved seeing that. I never grew up with a couple that screamed at each other, and they would make out in the kitchen. Eww. I digress…

At one point in the beginning of my running journey, I saw a post on Facebook in one of my running groups and he said, ‘If you’re not obsessed, find something else.’. I thought about that a lot today while running. What else did I have a passion for? I think about this and I think of doing this right here, right now, writing. It’s my outlet and I miss it when I don’t make it a habit. I keep thinking that if I ever want to be a better writer, then I have to write. UGH!! I have not progressed in this category in quite a long time. I thought about that time that I took up playing violin. I truly loved doing it. I took a few lessons, and I loved it. She said I would be playing with the symphony within 6 months if I kept it up. And then COVID happened and that didn’t happen. And then I thought about all of the coloring implements that I have that go with all of the coloring books that I have. Weird how that happens. 🧐🧐

I want to feel like I have purpose again, and then it brings me back to what do I want to do with my life and how can I make that work for me in the world of having to work? I would love to go back to doing massage. I miss that so very much. So much that I have recently purchased some massage cream again. I had to throw out the old stuff, it had gone rancid. I would love to do that again, but more on my terms, no 10 massages a day. Charge what I know I am worth and get into it again. Take classes on doing massage and how to do things that make it better for me and the client. Following massage as a passion is writing and running. After that would be being creative. I love making music, but I also love to make art and paint and draw. It’s been a hot minute since I did any of that. I feel like it might be just the thing to help me deal with processing dad’s passing. I figure maybe I can start by just doing one thing at a time. One day at a time. Not like I can take one and skip a few days. I mean I could if I was doing the mead diet, but that’s not the case.

When the passion bug first bit me, these were the beginning of my medals

Anyhow, I feel like I’m a little fuzzy, so I’m going to call it for tonight and this post. I’m tired all the time these days. I wish I could blame it on something good, but I haven’t felt like I have had a good reason to not be able to do what I need to do. I feel like I’m failing. I will keep trying my best. But I could really go for a vacation right now. Something where I don’t have to plan any of it. All I do is show up, and we do whatever we please.

Good night. I’m falling asleep friends.

Still Trying to Keep Going

Weird that it took Kelly dying for me to really start writing again. Not that I didn’t write before but certainly not this much in a months time. I started to think about what I wanted to do to honor him. Running the 6.9 km daily. I will be lucky to get out and get one mile daily.

My dog hates me because she wants to go out and I’ve been a couch potato for like three years. Ugh! So I’m a little hesitant to make any commitments. However, since it’s to honor my father, the man who stuck with it to the end, would want me to be wishy washy about what I am committed to doing.

When I started running more than a decade ago (that sounds so weird, running consistently for more than ten years), I had no idea that I would go from being pretty meh about it to becoming a serious runner. And from there I have only gone back down hill. I’ve checked my miles over the years. Nearly 7,000 miles since I took it up ten years ago. Almost eleven years to be more precise. Hard to believe it’s been that long or that I’ve logged that many miles. And what’s crazy is I still love doing it.

I do love it. And I find myself wanting to do it more and more these days. Could be because I know it’s what makes me happy or it could be because my parents have been huge supporters of my running and I want to honor my father or it could be just because I love the feeling of it.

When I thought of doing something to honor my dad, I thought I would run 6.9 km daily. One kilometer for every year of his life. But I want to be realistic about things. I haven’t been running that much and hitting that route daily for 70 days would be enough to give me shin splints. So I will get up to that. However, I will make the commitment to get up and go run daily. But more than that. I will make the same commitment to my health that he did before he passed. He did so good on his meals once he was given the diabetic diagnosis. He cut out carbs and had lost more than 20lbs in the time he was doing this. His shirts fit looser than they used to. So that’s what I’ll do.

I will make a commitment to do what he did with his eating, cutting out the bad and eating the good and sticking with it. He was committed to it I can do that too. I can do this thing. 70 days. So that would be March 1. So far I made it through one day. We shall see how it rolls. Seems I’ve been sleeping all the time now when I can. Went to sleep at 7.30 last night. Like completely out before 7.30. Slept until sometime after 3 and then it didn’t feel like I really slept much after that. But we did go run today. And yesterday.

Guess it will have to happen in the morning. The run I mean. Here we go dear reader. Maybe I will have more stories for you. I also thought about telling one story about him every day too. I so t know about that. It’s hard enough to get me to commit to running daily. But maybe with this I can commit to finishing the yearly you vs the year challenge. Would be nice to finish it. Injury has taken me down for a few years now. But I think it’s time. Time to move my butt and get going again.

So here we go again. On my own. Well. With the dog but you get the idea. And now it’s time for me to get going to bed. I admit I’m tired. Ready to call it a night so I will say good night friend. Sleep well.

Three Weeks Post Death

It’s inevitable. We all die. No one gets out of this life alive. My dad used to make jokes about it like, when I die I want to go like my grandfather; peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car. Or another thing he used to say was everyone is dying to get to the cemetery. Stupid jokes of course but they used to make me laugh.

There has been such an outpouring of love and support from everyone. All over the country, all over the state and even from the Pacific Ocean… that would be my little sister who was on deployment. He work led as a fire fighter for more than 20 years. All of them from the time I was in high school on. In fact he didn’t go full time at the department until it became a full time opportunity. Before that, they had a day crew and then volunteers for nights and weekends. I used to go to the station and watch Bevis and Butthead with him because we don’t have MTV at home. And I was told no I couldn’t watch it at home.

I try to see that death isn’t the end of life, it’s just another stage of it. I’m not worried about his soul, I’ll leave that to others, I just know that he’s ok. He’s safe and now he gets to be part of my life only in my memories. I’ve listened to his voicemail a few times and watched old videos of him and the kids just to hear his voice. To hear him laugh again. He always had a smile on his face and when he walked into a room he lit it up with his endless energy.

Of course as his child I knew him differently than coworkers. Growing up he was out of town a lot working. That started about the time I turned 7 or so and lasted until the year or two following my high school graduation. Not always out of town but working for the state took him to a lot of places. He worked in Prescott while we lived in Kingman, and then once my mom’s job took us to Pinetop, it took a month or two before he could get transferred to their Show Low office. I still drive by it and think of him being there. He worked as natural resource department clearing trees and other bits of shrubbery from the shoulder of the road. It was after this particular job with the state that he got on with the fire department full time. And boy did he love that!

Personally, I’m not a blood and guts kind of kid. I don’t want to see things coming out of your body that is supposed to be safely inside the body. So I know my calling isn’t the same as his, but he had so much fun with it. Yes, there will be calls that I remember him being on and the way it took a toll on his mind and his heart. He said the first day he ever worked after getting his EMT license was a suicide that didn’t work. After many years of seeing that exact kind of call he would say they should offer a class called suicide: doing it right the first time. Yes, terrible I know but anyone who I’ve met since then who has worked as an ER person or EMT/ Paramedic, they will agree. It’s gut wrenching to see that so many try and fail and in that process alter the trajectory of their whole life. Good bad or otherwise. And just to be clear, suicide isn’t something to joke about but you have to make light of it or the job will put you in therapy for life. There were countless car collisions that he cleaned up dead bodies off the road and that would gut him completely. It takes a special kind to do this job. And I’ve only known a two that I grew up with who have taken on that job as well.

In trying to cope with it, I’ve gone back to work (as if I could just not go 😑) it’s good to have something to take my mind off of the obvious. I have a great support system who is working with me to help me with anything I need. I am grateful for my coworkers, they are pretty amazing.

Few days later…

Was driving around town doing stuff and things hanging out with the kids. There was a truck that pulls up to us, we’re driving the same speed and he pulls ahead and I look over and see the load of wood. Do you ever know when it’s the last time you do something like that with them? Like I never knew it would be the last time to hug my dad when I did. I’ll never be able to go get a cord of wood with him either. What hurts is the not knowing it was going to be the last time I got to hug him. It was the last time I got to say I love you daddy. And yes. I still called him daddy. When I wasn’t calling him Kelly. There are no more birthday party with my mom. No more Christmas seasons we take a full day to have his birthday. No more laughs. Fuck!! This fucking sucks!

I don’t know how my sisters are handling this. I know that I have to keep going and I have to keep doing my thing. Keep working. Keep living. Just keep livin. I imagine everyone who has lost their father, or people who have a close relationship with their fathers, all go through this. That feeling like your compass star has disappeared, like your lost on the ocean, dead in the water. And that ocean, well, it never stops. The waves just keep coming at you. I know eventually I will move through what I will consider the hardest part, but not now. Not today, certainly not this year. Not likely I’ll ever really get to the point when I don’t cry thinking about it. Maybe one day I’ll stop seeing him in his chair dead. Maybe one day that day will stop playing in my head over and over again. But not today.

Today, or tonight rather, I shall put on my favorite Christmas movie and watch George C. Scott portray Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge, and be sad. Sad that I don’t get to hear my dad laugh again. Sad that I can’t hear him telling his grandkids to put stuff away or to come play. He’s not going to show me whatever cool thing he’s got going on in the barn. And I’m never going to be the same person I was when I was with him. Because only he could bring that out on me.

I used to cut his mustache. We would go outside on the back deck, weather permitting of course. It would take me nearly an hour to do his face, get the old man hairs out from his ears and his eyebrows and do some basic trimming on his hair. I would take a gummy before hand and we would listen to classic rock and laugh together. I will miss that.

And with life throwing more curve balls than I can hit I’m starting to unravel it feels like. I know Piper is worried about me but I wish she wouldn’t. I know life will go on and things will change, it’s inevitable. Life is change. But for now, I will do my best to just keep livin. It’s not like I can take days and be knocked out for many at a time. That’s not reality. Reality is going to sleep and not knowing if I will wake up at 2 or 3 and not be able to go back to sleep. Reality is getting up with heavy feet and go running. I’m still debating my running to honor him. I want to set up a certain distance, 6.9 km. Equals about the distance of running around the lake daily. I think I may do it. Or at least make the commitment to do it. But right now I’m still not able to commit to much of anything.

If you have read this far, dear reader, I do appreciate it. I’m not doing well right now but life changes frequently and so I know this is but a fragment of time in my life that I will be feeling like this. I know that his memory will be honored and that he won’t be easily forgotten by me, my sisters or my mom, or my community. He was kind of a big deal in the community. He was my hero. I think Kelsie said it best. He had a way of making you feel like you could do anything. Which is why my girls will be heading to school soon to train to become fire fighters and EMT’s. He would have been so damn proud. 🥲

And now I shall rest some. It’s been a long day that has been very loud. I’m going to braid my hair and head to bed. Good night~

A Running Hiatus: Podcast Edition

So it’s seems with so much in my country going on, I thought it was time to join the 21st century and start my own podcast.

What? Why? Well to answer the what, yes. I think it’s time I try my hand at doing my own podcast. I have got the equipment now and I have the computer capability to do so. The why though. Well it’s a bit complicated but not really.

I write. I write about running and related things. Trail runs being my favorite. Then when I was hurt I decided to do writing prompts to help the quality of my writing. I have been slacking a lot on it. But that’s what I was thinking of doing it on. I have all these ideas for writing but I want to be able to get more in-depth with it. Have a conversation about it. And for the first time in my life the idea of having my voice silenced because of what I’m saying, meaning it could be offensive to the federal government, is so very wrong!

We have built our country foundation that it’s ok to speak your mind whether others agree or not. That the press have a right to print what they find and now it’s searching for truth. If you want to truth, follow the money trail. That’s who runs the country, the ones who buy everyone else’s loyalty. The NRA is a prime example. People would rather be ok with letting kids die than enforce the already existing laws because how dare someone want to take away their guns. No one is coming for your weapons. We just think you should have a background check for it. Wait three days. The whole shebang. And quite frankly if there is a weapon that the military uses, I don’t think it should be available for purchase by the general population. It’s designed for war and combat. Killing people. But that’s my thought on it.

The real thing is I am not going to be silenced. I was thinking of getting a few episodes done before I start uploading it. Not sure if the name but for now, a running hiatus is what I’ve come up with. I’m going to do a live recording that goes with it, but I’m not sure where to go from there. More learning is needed. Maybe a YouTube channel might be the way to go. We shall see.

That is all for now. What do you think, dear reader? Anyone interested in it? Even if not, I figure I can send it to my daughter who moved across the country so she can see me and talk to me that way. Who knows, there could be guests and such but that’s where I’m at with it. Thanks friends for your support. It’s appreciated.

Wednesday Appointment: Update

Unfortunately it’s taken me a while to get back to do an update. Turns out I’m fine. I have asthma but then I already knew that. And I have allergies. Again, something I’m well aware of. I’ll start a daily treatment once the meds get here. I guess that’s the only complaint I have about the VA at this point. It’ll take about 10 days before my new meds get here.

Other than that, the trip was nice. Went to Savers (a thrift store in Flagstaff) and got a new blanket for the bed. Oh wow is that thing soft. And a new overnight bag. I’m super stoked about that. It has a compartment separate from the clothes so my running shoes and Vans and Berks have a place to stay and not be with the clothes! That’s exciting! Thomas got some jackstands. It was rainy and beautiful and I remarked as we went through Holbrook, it’s such a lovely day. All dark and dreary and gray. Oh. I’m loved it!

I did find out that finding a coin appraiser is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. First they would tell me the value of the coins. Then they said they would buy them but for a fraction of their actual worth. And then they wouldn’t tell me what they would sell them for. Maybe over the summer sometime we will have to take a trip to Albuquerque to see if we can find something there. The place I found in the valley said they don’t deal in modern coins. Well shit, I don’t have any Roman coins. Bummer.

I did get my new lipstick that day. That was awesome!! It’s called Victory Red and it stays on my lips. It’s my form of protest of the current administration. From what I could gather about it, in the 40’s it was a form of sticking it to the man. In that case the man was Hitler. He didn’t like red lipstick. He thought it was trashy or not cool or not wholesome. So women would wear it. Weird fact, Eva Braun was found to have a collection of red lipstick so maybe it wasn’t that he disliked it, maybe he just wanted only his girl to wear it. I’ve been loving wearing it since then. Daily.

Family photo, but the lips are the Victory Res

We worked on Kelsie’s truck. Been working on that for many months now. Don’t do work on a vehicle if you don’t know how or aren’t willing to learn before hand. It’s been quite a fun time dismantling my daughters Tahoe, but, it something that should have taken an hour to two. Now, instead of costing $50 for it, we are at almost $500 later. New intake manifold, new distributor, new thermostat neck,… and the time it’s taken and the pain it’s inflicted is far more than we anticipated. Finished her truck. That was awesome to say we were able to do. I’m grateful for my husband and his ability to learn and willingness to take a project over when needed. We moved to getting the van worked on and we need a new expansion tank. Won’t be here until the end of the week. Until then we have my car and Kelsie’s truck. So at least we are back to two vehicles. Hooray!! -UPDATE- we finished the van repairs and are able to drive it. And now we are back to having to replace seals on it again. Dammit!! But we are up to three working vehicles again and I’m so happy about that! I

On our way for a picnic dinner and sunset

It’s summertime now. I was wondering to myself why is the sun up so early and then I realized it’s July already that’s why.

That’s all for now. Until next time, dear reader, hope you have a great day. Or night. Whichever. ❤️

The girls on Kelsie’s truck Sunday night

Wednesday Appointment: Pulmunologist

Today I get to go take a little trip to Flagstaff to go see a doctor. Let’s rewind a bit so you can see how I got to this point.

On Christmas Eve last year, I started to get sick. The next evening I was dying. I had a hard time focusing enough to get through dinner and my biggest worry was I hope I don’t get everyone else sick too. It got bad enough that after two weeks of feeling super shitty, I went to urgent care. Two ear infections and bronchitis. She said if the wheezing didn’t stop to come back and see her. I didn’t. Instead I waited four months to go see my PCP.

Now my PCP is currently on deployment in a place near the equator. I can’t spell it. I write to him once a month because he’s also a friend that I work with and deployment is long and tiring… I need to reply to his email… anyhow I’m seeing the clinic CMO or Chief Medical Officer. He calls me about a week or so before my appointment and wants me to do a chest CT and a pulmonary function test (PFT). I was able to get to chest CT done before my appointment. And labs done but that’s nothing exciting to hear about, because my labs say I’m super healthy. Yay. Took another week before I could get my PFT done. Once he got that information I got called back to his office to have him talk about the results. And the results say I have asthma and shitty lungs. He sending me to a specialist, a pulmonologist.

I don’t claim to know much of what I hear when talking to the RNs and our NP about medical conditions and things of that nature. I didn’t go into medicine, I went into massage. We didn’t go over didn’t diseases and things to help them. All I could get from them is I should be on some kind of daily treatment plan to help mitigate my problems. So far I’ve been using a thing with my inhaler before I go run. Seems to help a great deal. The appointment today is supposed to help clear up some confusion. My confusion. Like are the results of these tests so bad I need to see a specialist? Dear me.

I have zero idea what to expect but I suspect it’ll be far less invasive than going to the OB/gyn. Hooray for small miracles. I do know that my appointment will take at least an hour. I don’t know what they will do or things they will want to know about. Likely they will want to know that I use medical marijuana and have for I don’t know, the last 20 years. I’ve had an Rx for it to be clear. Yes. The whole time. Except when I lived in Louisiana and before it became legal in Arizona. Might be a good time to stop smoking but it’s the fastest relief to much of my anxiety and I don’t like having to wait for medication to kick in. We shall see. She will likely also want to know that I sit on the back smoke deck while everyone else smokes cigarettes. Ewww. I’m good without those. But I admit I do take a drag every so often. Super stress calls for it from time to time. And years go by between.

I have asked myself if I’m nervous about seeing the doctor today. Yes is my answer. I am nervous about it. I just lost two uncles to cancer, both of them served on active duty onboard ships in the 60s. Uncle Kenny was on the Bonham Richard (CV something). Watching the LHD with the same name go up in smoke just gutted him. It’s the name you see. It gutted me and I cried when I saw that ship go up in smoke. It’s the same platform as the Boxer. The last time I did an appointment with comp & pen I discovered I have a warning label on my medical record stating that I have been highly exposed to asbestos and I’m at a much higher risk with lung issues. This is what worries me. Mesothelioma is what scares me. That and them finding out there really was something on the ship that was giving everyone in berthing serious migraines.

Without having ever been to a specialist I have no idea what finding they will have. At 45 the last thing I want to add to my problem list is COPD. As a runner the last thing I need to deal with is lungs that won’t let me run. I already have enough issues with my left leg the last three years I don’t need something else to sideline my running. 🏃🏻‍♀️

Until this afternoon, I’m at the mercy of someone else and their knowledge. But, I get to go to Flagstaff. And Savers is a having a 30% off sale starting today and they have Greek food there! Hooray!! Not sure if I can eat there but I’m hoping. And I get to spend the day with my handsome love so that’s nice too.

For now, I’ll take the dog for a little run. She and I both need it. I’ll put some salve on my knee and stretch a little and go to the lake and back. It’ll be nice. I love mornings!

Stay tuned for the next chapter in medical life…. 😉❤️

Not sure the day last week but after a walk

Morning Stretching

Since my most recent injury, the knee, I have learned that when it comes to things, stretching may be the thing that I need. Ugh!!

As a runner, I know that stretching after a run feels amazing. A good long run, a long stretch session, hot shower and I feel like a million bucks! I know that I should stretch before running too. Therein lies the problem. I like to run in the morning. Before work which I have to be there by 7. So in order for me to get up on time and get a good run in, I have to be up and out the door before 5-515 depending on the distance. This means for me to be up and ready to get out the door I have to be up and moving by 4.30. And I can totally do that. I’m so down for that. But then, adding in the injury to the equation is where I’m having the problem. I have to now be up and stretching actively by 4.15. And for me I don’t get dressed to do my stretches in the morning so one would think that it would go faster. It doesn’t.

This morning, I had my alarm go off at 4.15. It does this daily. And then at 4.30 my phone wakes up. And then at 4.42 the alarm goes off again to get me out of bed. And then, as a last one, the alarm goes off at 5.15. If I haven’t gotten out of bed by then, it’s when I will get up. I don’t quite understand the issue I’m having these days. I want to go out and do more miles but something inside me is keeping me from it and I am not liking this. Stupid knee!

The worst part isn’t that I don’t get up, it’s that my beautiful girl thinks I hate her and I don’t want to take her out anymore. And that couldn’t end further from the truth. But she’s not always up for going out and doing the run that I want to do. I keep thinking I’ll find a solution but I have yet to come up with one. In my mind I keep thinking I’ll get up and take the dog for a nice walk. She’s not up for a lot of running these days but we can swing two miles in the morning. And then when I get home from work, change, stretch and then do my long runs. In my mind this works perfectly. If it wasn’t for all the things that have to get done when I get home. Like putting the clothes away, doing my language lesson, writing once in a while, check spelling, make sure the kids are safe while playing and do anything that Thomas might need help with. Then dinner, dishes, and take five minutes for myself.

I feel like these are all excuses but for me it’s not an excuse. I know that the time I have in the morning is likely the only time I will have for myself all day. And I know that my relationship with time needs some work (stupid ADHD), but it feels like there is t enough time to get it all done, every day. I miss so many things and I miss the sunrise. I will work on this week and check back in. Who knows, maybe something wonderful will happen and I can manage my time much better with less worry.

Buried under inches of snow the day before

Alright… time to start the day…

Sunday before the walk… looks like a spider died on my head 🕷️

A Running Hiatus: Do You Prefer Taking Risks or Having a Safety Net?

That’s a good question today. I guess it would depend on what we are talking about. Do I want to take risks with my family/ job/ relationships, not really. Do I want to take risks when it comes to doing things in life, well, that’s where I would say yes, I would rather take the risk.

Let me explain. I am a creature of habit. I have a routine that I do when I get up and I love it. I love to have my coffee while no one is talking to me, at least not for the first cup of it. I love to run in the mornings, though I have been terrible about getting out again. I love to do the same kind of things that feel comfortable. However, the only way to grow in life is to take some chances and risk things. Big rewards often come with big risks. Sometimes, those risks don’t always pan out like we hope for the results are the bad part of the risk. That downfall of Rome.. We seem to be seeing that more and more these days, but I digress. I can’t say that I feel like I have taken chances, but, when I look at what I have done in life, it seems I took more chances than I thought.

My first big risk was to join the military, the US Navy. That was a really big one. I made it through four and a half years serving on active duty before I was done. I wanted to stay longer, but I couldn’t. I had taken a big risk and lost it all. Had it not worked out like that, not sure where I would be today, certainly not where I am right now. I loved being on a ship and I love being on the ocean. I miss it. I miss the feel of the ocean under me, rocking me to sleep. I miss the smell of the ocean. I was on the water for more time of my service than I was on land. It was a big risk, but an even bigger loss. And it took a long time to work through it because to be honest, I never really got over it. (Side note: I truly believe that we don’t ‘get over’ things. I believe that we work through them and the pain of whatever it is, just dulls. It doesn’t go away, and you eventually are able to talk about it without getting upset, whatever it is you’re going through, but, you don’t ‘get over it.’)

I have put money into the stock market, and my TSP account is in the stock market, but while it’s crashing right now, I am not upset about it. I see that it will go back up and I will get it all back in tenfold. Is it upsetting to see it, yes. I hate to see people lose money. Unless it’s Elon Musk, he can fuck off back to South Africa. He can lose billions and I’m ok with that. Fascist prick! Sorry, where was I, oh yes, the stock market. I have tried to buy stocks on my own and I have lost a lot of money that I thought I was going to get back. So there was a time that the risk didn’t work out.

Recently, I have been given information that one of the risks I have taken, and it’s as a whole with the company that I own, the reward will outweigh the risk. I am able to get another year to work on this and I couldn’t be more excited. What is it, you ask? I can’t talk about it right now, but I will be talking about it in a later entry.. Just not today.

I would rather take the risk than not. There are times when it’s been good outcomes and there are lots of times when it was a bad outcome. Either way, I would rather try and fail, than live knowing I could have tried to do something. You only regret the miles that you don’t run. Even on the bad runs, I would take those over not running any day. The risk does not outweigh the reward. The reward is a clear mind and a healthy body. Those are never going out of style.

So, with that in mind, I will be going back to morning runs. With the dog. Hopefully she will be ok with doing runs, I’m thinking no more than like, three miles with the dog. She’s getting bored with our usual route so maybe that will help if I change it up a bit.

The running hiatus is over but the writing part is not. I will still be doing the writing prompts because I truly enjoy the thought that goes into it, even if proofreading and grammar aren’t going to be on point with them. So so long sleeping in, it’s time to move again 😁

A Running Hiatus: What Is Your Favorite Work of Art? What Do You Love About It?

I wonder, did they mean work of art, as in a painting, or art in general? Maybe I will go with both just for the fun of it. My favorite work of art would have to be a pull between two amazing and beautiful things. Both Hagia Sophia and The Taj Mahal. These buildings are so fantastic to see and so much detail to every bit of it. Hagia Sophia is from the Byzantine Empire, located in Istanbul and was built in 527AD. The Taj Mahal is was commissioned in 1631 by Shah Jahan as a burial place of his wife and is located in Agra, Uttar Pradesh, India. Both of them are considered to mosques. One is made of marble and the other of stone, but built by those crafty Romans who still have stuff standing more than 1,500 years later.. And I can’t get the road in my town to last more than a few years, clearly they had an advantage that we don’t.. Horse drawn stuff, and no semis. Oh well, progress right.

What I love about them both is how one is considered to have changed the face of architecture and the other is the Jewel of Islamic art. One clearly influenced the other with the domes and the decorative way it was built. I love knowing that the building was done so well, that when scientists try to figure out how the building was built to withstand earthquakes the way it has. Over and over again, they toil, building miniature scales of it and still, they can’t work out how the Romans managed to put it together in such a way that it is still here… nearly 1,500 years later. I have a theory that with the way they are finding out about how the concrete was made at that time, we may be able to replicate how they are able to hold for so long. Then again, we might not be able to figure any of it out. I feel like I’m rambling.. Sorry about that..

I don’t know how to explain why I love these two buildings or what in a general sense. I love how they look and I love how magnificent they are to see. I haven’t seen either in person, but, I have dreamt of it. I was close to being able to see the Taj Mahal, but, when I was in India, that tour was canceled. Seems for that deployment, the only two tours I signed up for, were both canceled. Weird.. 🧐

I love to see the way the lights shine on them at night when the photos are taken. I love to see how they look in the skyline against the rest of the city (Hagia Sophia) and among the green of the gardens (Taj Mahal). I have been to both countries now that I think of it… both while in the Navy though, on two different deployments beginning on two different sides of the United States. Interesting how the Navy took me to so many places.. it’s almost as if they use that as a slogan to get you to sign up.. If you get the chance to see the world, take it. It will open your mind and help you to see that there is so much more to our world than your own backyard.. Even if Dorothy tried to convince us to be happy with staying in a place that is going to kill you.. Conform girl…

It’s been a long enough time since that last time I have written anything that I wanted to publish, I feel like I’m just rambling right now.. But I have a lot to say about nothing. .. or do I have something to say after all? Is the weed kicking in yet?

However, if we are to assume that the writer of the prompt book wanted to know about my favorite piece of art and meant something that is painted or can be put in a container to be transported, then my answer is clearly going to be different. I have been to many museums and many cathedrals all over the world and I have been able to see so many wonderful works of art. I would say that my favorite piece of small art work would be a black and white photo taken by Ansel Adams in Clearing Winter Storm taken around 1937.

What do I love about it? What’s not to love about? I have a love of black and white photography and I will take lots of those. In fact when my older sister was married in January, I took lots of photos, most in black and white, and my little sister asked if I could please edit some back to color and send them to her. I have yet to do that. I didn’t remember until just now though, so maybe I will do that once I am done with this. Who knows. I like that when you see a black and white photo, it somehow feels like you’re looking into the past. I mean a photo is the past, but, when I say the past, I mean the past before color photos became a thing in the 60s? 50s? They capture details that the color photos just seem to not have. There is a crispness to them that color just can’t seem to touch.. In my mind that is.

All of these works of art are my favorites. I love Van Gogh’s work. And da Vinci’s work. Both taught us how to capture the fine details but they did so in different ways. Honestly, I could go on and on about different works of art. For me, as far as I’m concerned, architecture is my favorite. And who could forget the Colosseum. Rome built some amazing beautiful things that have stood for thousands of years. There is even a stretch of road that still remains that you can walk. Built by the great Roman Empire.

These are more than just buildings to me. They hold secrets and hidden places. They are held in my heart as the most beautiful pieces of art work.

A Running Hiatus: Write A Diary Entry 10 Years In The Future

Ok… Firstly, I looked through my book of prompts today and couldn’t find anything that I really wanted to do, and then I remembered me trying to stay committed to something I said I was going to do.. Unlike everything else I have tried and never finished.

10November 2035

It’s getting to be that time of year when I like to run when the sun is about to come up and there about that time.. I love the smell of the fireplaces with a little bit of the smoke hanging in the air. It’s been cold the last couple of weeks, which is normal. I took off this morning for the run just thinking I was going to do a nice easy five miles. That was not the case.

As it turned out I did 8 miles and it was such a beautiful sunrise! Along the way I was able to focus on life and I started to do a trip down memory lane. I started going back to the time when I was able to retire. I thought about how once we were able to sell the idea and the system, we were able to buy the house and land where we are now, but I was able to retire and take a nice little vacation. That vacation was amazing and that’s when we bought the van. We had actually bought the van and then took the train out to pick it up and then we were able to just go have an adventure together.

It’s weird to think about how much fun we have had in that VW van since then, as well as how many miles we have put on it. We have gone so many places, see the ocean a bunch of times, been to many different parks and got to do so many things together. I love that we have this place that we can always come back to. Where the kids are so close and I don’t have to wonder if they are doing alright because I get to see them all the time. It makes my heart so happy to be able to have that for the family. We have good days and we have bad days but it’s all good. I wouldn’t want to be with any other group of people than then ones that I am around all the time.

We have got to see Ella graduate from high school, Piper and Kelsie graduate from College, I got another degree and my masters, Thomas got his masters, it’s been a good thing that everyone of them have been able to further their lives by getting more education. As I kept running today, I thought about how wonderful it is to see Silas do so well in school as well as choosing to play an instrument and not only that, but he’s so good at it. He’s got dedication that’s for sure. I admire it and strive to be as dedicated and committed to playing my violin and trumpet as much as he does.. Have to lead by example. And with both of us in the symphony, it’s such a fun way to be able to do something with him.

Without a doubt, the best part of today was the nap after getting back from the run. I have really loved getting up early to stretch before going out and it’s such a huge help, but getting to do it in a meditative state afterwards, makes me feel so damn good. Then the shower and food and coffee and snuggles from Thomas make the day start off so well that the nap that comes around noon is so incredibly delicious.

Anyhow, dinner tonight is with the kids, salad and baked potatoes. Simple, delicious. Followed of course by something super sweet, strawberries and blueberries. Time to get papa up, he’s so cute when he’s sleeping 😎❤️😁