Changing of the Seasons

On Friday this past week, I was able to go out for a short walk. Made it to .70 miles that day. But I noticed that I was a bit cold. And then it hit me as I started to look all around. Today was the day. It’s the day the air turns from summer breezes to autumn chills. That north wind came up again, and now here we are.

As I sit here, it’s 6 days until the official start of fall. My favorite time of the year. It only lasts but a few short weeks and it can be skipped altogether as it had last year. Went straight from summer to winter.. Or was that the year before???🧐🧐 Anyhow, last year I was not able to enjoy it very much. I was training for my marathon on my birthday and then got sick from running it.. on my birthday. Got a nasty sinus infection and was down for about a week and then I had surgery and that took me out of the game for quite a while. I wasn’t able to enjoy those crisp mornings when it’s chilly but you still end up sweating to death from the run itself. Those are the best kind of runs in my opinion.

The grass and weeds have started to turn

This year will be a bit challenging. Since I am two weeks post hamstring tear, I am only able to go as far as I can walk, slowly. Walking is still a bit of a challenge for me, and I try not to compensate for it, but, I can feel it when I’m done. I will still be going out in the morning, though, not like I like to. I will be doing more body work and core stuff as I try to just gain strength in the muscle group. I have a bag that I will be utilizing as well as going back to doing my plank challenge when I am able to. I like doing some weighted twists as well to help with the mid section. I am focusing on that because, well, I have discovered that not being able to move from my bed very much the last two weeks, I have a very super slow metabolism. So while I lay in bed, legs outstretched, one on a pillow to keep from having some serious pain, my body is just saving those calories for to work off at a later date. Ugh! I had just bought a smaller size jeans no less!! And two new pairs of pants for work.

I will still be up at before the break of dawn to get my walk in and then get a small workout in. I know that I will be doing the same in the evening. My husband has graciously offered to help me and work on a few things like dynamic movement and calisthenics. I want to come back better than I was. I want to get a better race time, though, no races on the horizon for me. I find it’s hard to get out there and just go when I have nothing to work towards. I’m a rewards kind of girl and I love the medal at the end of the race. Not too sure how I will get to the next race at this point. I’m working with a lot of things. Going out and doing shit costs money and whole lot more than it used to a year ago, I’m not so sure I can swing this kind of fun again. It’s ok. There are lots of races to sign up for here soon. Not sure when I will be able to get out there again, but, I know it’s going to be with a better time on my 10km’s and my 15km’s.

Now, it’s time to get that warm spice feeling in the air, make some pumpkin pie stuff and all kinds of other things. Yeah, not a long post today, and I have been thinking about fall since Friday as well. Guess my thoughts on running as a female took it all out of me (I only edited and added photos today. I have to give the writing a day before posting. I’m not that great at spell check the day of, I tend to read what I am thinking it says, rather than what it’s supposed to say.) and that was a lot to say about it. Will those words fall on deaf ears? Most likely. The men in this world who attack and kill and rape women are not likely readers of my blog. I could be wrong, but, not likely at this point.

Anyhow, hope you, dear reader, have had a lovely beginning of fall this week. It’s in the air. I can feel coming in the air. The leaves are slowing changing, and then in a week or so, it’ll all be right there in the middle of the changing of the trees as they shed their leaves. The oak trees around here are usually the last to come into bloom, and then one of the first who start shedding the leaves. The honey locust tree is the one that actually changes first. I can’t wait. Hot chocolate with my husband and my baby, sitting around watching old movies.

Hope your hump day, dear reader, sees only sunshine and smiles.

A Post 9/12 World

Since I started to run, on the anniversary of the twin towers falling, I have been able to take the day and reflect and lose myself in my thoughts. I tend to make this day and Veteran’s Day a long run if possible. However, after my first real injury, I am unable to do that for 9/11. I try to stay off of social media for the day as well and focus my energies somewhere else. Like my family.

One of the last long runs I did before hurting myself

I came across a post from years back, I love the memories section in Facebook, and it talked about 9/12. How unified we were as a country, how much we wanted to take revenge for the nearly 3000 souls that were taken from us far too soon. How it effected every day life for all of us. I wanted to talk about that day….

On the day of the events that would shape the next four years of my life, I was just out of boot camp for the Navy. We were on a break from class, it was called Mech Core. For all of the mechanical engineers going into the fleet with a designated field dealing with main propulsion. Mine was Engineman. I was sitting in class, talking to someone, and Bruce runs into our classroom and says someone drove a plane into the world trade center. What?! As we all sat in shock for a moment, I’m sure we either blew it off or where more of mind blown 🤯 kind of thing. Then our instructor runs into the class and turns the TV on to any channel at that point. And there it was. Live television. Time seemed to stand still, and then we watched as the second plane hit the other building.

It was so very surreal. I can remember it and yet, there are parts of it that my little sister remembers that I don’t recall any of. We were marched to lunch that day to the galley as every civilian was told to leave base. I don’t remember much from that day. Lexi says that we were able to meet up and call our parents that night. It was living in a dream of some sorts. I knew that when they announced we were on class Delta lockdown, that my life, and those all around me, would never be the same again.

The following day, 9/12, it seemed that the entire country was ready to go to battle al la Mad Max: Fury Road.. the new one with Tom Hardy and Charlize Theron…. The part where they were all chasing all of the females, that’s what it seemed like. That sense that the world was going to let loose what no one wanted to see angered. The United States. We were with it. Women and men alike joined the military in droves. Even my recruiter was all up and arms about going to war with these motherfuckers!! Flags were flying in every place that you could fly one. There were all kinds of people reaching out to their neighbors, uniting as a whole. Hatred for each other was greatly outweighed for those fuckers who dared strike on our own territory!!! Even the president got on the TV and gave some kind of rousing speech. It was scary because I knew that we were going to war, and I’m most likely to be assigned to a ship and then go to a war zone, but I was shocked how many seemed to embrace one another in love and camaraderie. We, for a brief moment in time, could truly call ourselves, The United States.

My first ship during Fleet week in New York 2001

Days gave way to weeks and weeks gave way to years. We have come and gone, and our leaving those countries was just as horrific as our going into those places. I didn’t pay that much attention to politics while I was in the military. I simply took my orders and did what we needed to do. And if that meant back to back deployments with less than 45 days notice (which happened on two of the three deployments I had), then that’s what it took. Those times were hard, but, we loved the people who were beside us. Even the ones we didn’t like, we were still in it together. And to be honest, I would have been proud to give my life to save the ones I served with. Even the ones I didn’t like. And if you’ve served, you understand. If not, then I think you truly missed out on that kind of togetherness.

Each year on 9/11 my princess, Judi, posts a speech our captain gave when we joined the U.S.S. Rosevelt in our pursuit of ‘the enemy’. It’s a long speech, and it’s beautiful. It breaks my heart when I read it and I often wonder how so many can keep a stiff upper lip when reading this. I’ll post it some other time… The years have come and gone since that day. Many people have talked about that day, what it means to them. Where were they when they heard the news? What were you doing? Very similar to how you can ask people about where were you when you heard that Kennedy was shot, and they will give an exact recount of those moments when they heard that news.

Now days, I often wonder if this country will self destruct from the inside out. We are so divided as a country, and I wonder how can I leave this world a better place for my kids and my grandkids, and the truth is, I don’t think it’s going to end well. I hope I’m wrong, and I hope that good wonderful amazing things will happen to strengthen our bonds as a country and come together in both ideologies and concerns. I wish I could say that it’s not going to be something out of a fictitious book, but I can’t.

Many writers have captured what they think our dystopian future will look like. I watch V for Vendetta and I wonder if that’s a foreshadowing of a fictitious world, that isn’t too far off from what seems to be our inevitable destiny. I can say with all certainty that I don’t see how we would ever truly become so united, not just as a country, but as a world, to come up and be able to build such a truly amazing self sustaining space ship where we get to visit other planets and the like. I want to say that it would be amazing if that was the case. However I feel we are heading towards more of a Handmaids Tale kind of future. Sad, but true. I don’t have that kind of hope for a better future… Or if you prefer, a Cloud Atlas kind of future.. That would be my other guess… Who knows, all I know is, I miss the days when we smiled at each other, and thought that just for a brief moment in time, we could be united.

When It’s Time to Take a Break

The whole idea of a rest day, is something that I love and I hate at the same time. If I don’t run in the morning, then I will feel it all day, and then nine times out of ten, I won’t run in the afternoon. And then of course, I will whine about it and try it all again the next day. I have been doing good this last month. I was able to pick up and start doing 10k’s again, and that was making me feel really good about it. I am so happy about that.

For the years that I did massage full time, I remember how others would get sick or injure themselves and I used to say that the body has a way of making you slow down when you really need it. I have been lucky enough to only have to deal with a few minor things. I’ve pulled muscles and fallen and hurt myself a bit here and there. Surgery was a hard one for me last year. I couldn’t run, and then I couldn’t have sex and there are two wonderful things that I use as a stress reliever (it’s also how I stay connected to my husband, and he’s pretty fond of that as well).

Let me paint a picture for you. It’s a beautiful summer day, the sun is bright, and we are dressed and ready to go take the kayaks out for a little fun on the lake. Have to take them to get washed off a bit, as they weren’t covered the last time we took them out, thinking that the rain will help clean them, and that’s not what happened. So go to the car wash and I jump out and am spraying off the two on my car and then Kelsie drives in and I’m to get the one on her truck. I get half way around to the back of the vehicle and I step up on the back bumper, that little dip where the license plate is, that’s where I’m standing. I hold onto the light on the top and get the sprayer and pull the trigger and next thing I know, I have been pushed back from the force of the water and one leg hits the wet concrete, my right foot and it keeps sliding backwards. And as I keep going down and the other foot finally comes off the back bumper and I’m in a side splits position and slam down on the concrete. I hear a loud pop and then I couldn’t move and I couldn’t explain how much that it hurt. I had injured myself. For the first time ever, I really injured myself. Kelsie and Thomas get me out of the wash bay and as I’m standing at the side of it, I can feel myself trying to not pass out from this. Voices are muted and it feels like they are talking to me at the back of a tunnel. Again, a new thing to come that close to passing out from pain. With much wailing and crying and screaming, I manage to get into the car and Piper drives us home. She is such a trooper though she was scared beyond words for sure. I try to get out of the car and Thomas asked if we need to go to the ER. Yes. Yes we do need to go.

Get to the hospital and Thomas gets me a wheelchair and I’m taken back immediately taken to triage, and from there, I’m quickly whisked away to a room. The tears from the pain are flowing and I have never felt pain like this before. I didn’t throw up, and I didn’t wet myself at the time, so there was a silver lining. It wasn’t even 11.30 yet in the morning. A gentleman named Matthew came in and did the X-rays on me, and I cried from that. The good news, no broken hip though it’s not dislocated either, and I can move the leg from side to side but I can’t extend my leg fully. So, they order a CT scan to make sure there are no broken parts in there, even a hairline fracture. As it turns out, the CT scan reveals that I have a torn muscle. My hamstring is torn and I have severely strained my groin muscles as well.

At this point, it’s getting closer to me leaving the hospital and I have two very nice ladies come in to fit me for crutches. Upon trying to stand up and put weight on the crutches I can’t do it, and the pain is unreal. I’m sobbing pain at this point. I am then given my discharge instructions and they put me in a wheelchair and take me to the waiting room, as I’m waiting for Thomas to get back to the hospital. More tears come as he’s trying to get me into the car. And then more wailing in pain to get me up two stairs to get into the house. I’m sure the neighbors were wondering what was going on. Got to the couch in the living room now and I’m in so much pain.

What feels like forever, I know to be only about an hour, I know that I have to get upstairs to get into the tub and into bed. I make the decision and begin my way up stairs. I’m on my butt, going up backwards, lifting with my arms and my good leg. The pain ranges from my low back and radiates from there all the way to my knee. There is a sharp shooting pain that goes down the back of my leg to my knee and wow. That’s super not fun. With much help, I get into the tub and do a soak, that hurts, and wash my body, I was super smelly. Got into bed, and then had some food, took my pain meds and went to bed.

Sunday comes and so far, there isn’t a bruise yet. It’s just hurts. I lay in bed all day only getting out to go the ten feet to the toilet and back. With my leg hanging, it’s very painful to try and use the crutches. As if it’s being pulled downwards and that hurts. I talked to a few people and spent time on social media, what a waste of time that was, and watch some funny shows here and there. Monday, Labor Day comes. I am determined to shower today. I make it to the bathroom and am able to use the shower chair my parents brought me the evening before. I felt so good to wash my hair and my body. To not smell myself was a huge good thing.

So now, here I am, on Tuesday (though likely won’t post until later this week). I have been able to make an appointment with my PCP for Friday. I am taking photos of the bruises to see how they change, and when I got up this morning, it looked like Mickey Mouse’s head. Now, it’s just a giant purple bruise that’s spreading. It’s so swollen and taking photos of it doesn’t do it justice, especially when you consider it’s right at the base of my butt. I have yet to be able to extend my leg at this time, and the dull achy pain, is more of an annoyance than anything. I can’t do anything and that’s what is hard for me.

So that brings me to taking a break from running. This one is not something that I had planned. But, with time off, I’m hoping that things will work out for me. I have some patches that I really wanted to sew onto a messenger bag that I love. I bought the needles for it, and now I have to get some thread and a pair of scissors up here and I can do that. I also have time to get back to my video that I’m making for sales of a product that my husband and I have invented. I haven’t worked on that for a while now and now is as good as time as any. I mean, all I’m doing is sitting on my butt right now. I am noticing that my hip hurts, my other leg hurts and I am working on moving my leg, but, I don’t know. It’s going to take some weeks to get back to normal again. In fact, the PA that I saw said he tore the same muscle last year, and it really does take 6-8 weeks of recovery before I’m going to be feeling more like normal. I don’t know how bad the scar tissue is going to be, but, I guess I will have to wait and see.

I have to say though, my husband and child have been so good to me and have helped me to get set up and be able to function a little bit. I have everything I really need, my grinder, my pipe, my food and snacks and now my computer. All I need now is to be able to sit on a hard surface without wanting to cry. So with that in mind, I will have to wait to go to work. For now, it is what it is. A lesson in patience, humility, and giving control to others to take care of me. It’s not an easy lesson, but, one that is there to learn. I will fight it of course, because I don’t know that I can’t do things. Which is the whole reason I was washing the kayak in the first place. I didn’t know that I couldn’t do that. I do know though.

Have a great day kids.. if you can run, run for me… I can’t for at least two months. ~ ❤️

Mental Health Awareness: May

May 4, 2021

The last few days, I have had a few revelations. There are a good many people that I know who are struggling through a bout of depression. And it’s not just me, thankfully, but, to see it in so many that I know, it’s comforting and frightening all at the same time.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about the meaning of life; 42. I poured my heart out about how it’s been hard for me these last few months. And while I thought that I would be able to pull myself out of it, it’s been a few weeks, 4, and still no progress. I am a bit less stressed at work, which is helpful, but, I’m still not able to pull myself up yet. I put deadlines on things like this it seems. I feel like I should be feeling a certain way and when I don’t, I get even more down hearted and it becomes a spiral of downward motion, going faster and faster until it stops. Sometimes it’s harder to come out of it, the best way for me to deal is to run, and I feel like I have been wanting to sleep a lot lately.

I look around me, and there are people who are going through a lot rougher time than I am, and it makes me grateful for my own problems. Makes me grateful that I have learned to communicate a lot better than I did when I was younger. And it makes me feel like there is a bit of misery loves company within it all. It’s no surprise that the last year has taken it’s toll on so many of us. We are going crazy with the lack of other people, and yet overstimulated by the online connections. We have disconnected. From each other and from ourselves.

Oh sure, there are many, who were able to use the last year as a jumping off point and turn so much good into their lives. I applaud all of them. I only hope for many more wonderful things for them. I was so blessed to be able to see my grandson grow from the teeny tiny little baby to the walking baby he is now. I have been so blessed to become closer to Kelsie and to get to run with her. I can honestly say it’s nice to have a person to run with. I have been truly blessed with this amazing life that I have.

But despite all the beauty and wonder that I have all around me, the last year has started to really take its toll on me. From all that I have seen around me to all that I see around the world, it’s been a hard one. I have been strong through much of the pandemic. I went to work each day and smiled, even though it was obvious, we were busier than ever, and still are for that matter. I wore a mask daily and tried really hard not to get into debates about why I wear a mask in the first place. I came unglued at work one morning. I snapped at my boss and the others that I work with. From that point on, when it comes to politics or ideas on things I disagree with, there are whispers all around me when I get to work in the morning.. or so my anxiety tells me. I am sure there are plenty of days when they stop the conversation when I get there. I am well aware of the fact that I don’t always feel the same as the ones I work with. For me, it can almost feel hostile, and I know that it’s not the case, but, I have days where my mind isn’t able to be strong and the day feels like it crumbles all around me. I drive home with no music on and no book on and just listen to the sound of the wind over the car. It’s too loud for me. I wish I had noise cancelling headphones. I want to disappear into the wind at that point. I struggle with this thought.

What do I do about those thoughts? For one, I take meds for that reason. Thus the name, ‘morning high’, though, I don’t take meds before work. The weekends however, you can bet it’s a wake and bake kind of day. When I can’t take the meds what do I do? I try to remember that it’s ok. That it’s ok to not be ok and I give myself permission go to bed and try again in the morning. What I need to do instead, is run.

Over the years I have found that on the days that it’s so hard to get up and go, those are the days that I need it the most. If I can’t do it in the morning, I have a support system who will tell me to go out and go for a walk when I get home and I need to relax and unwind. I will get home and eventually make it up the stairs to my room where the shoes will come off. I will sit down on the ottoman and stop for a moment and just breathe. If my bong is out, I will go for that. Even if it’s not out, that’s what I go for. I like it the most. I miss the one that I could put ice into though. A few deep breaths with that and I will get up and go change my clothes. From there, it’s either going for a run with the girls or just Kelsie, or I will go downstairs and get the evenings events going. Like dinner or whatever else there is. Lately, I don’t like eating as much as I would like. It’s a huge struggle because I don’t feel like eating. Not because I’ve got a problem with eating, I don’t, but, because I just don’t feel like it.

Not only that, the worst part of the whole thing is I will isolate myself. I will feel like the whole world is against me and I want someone to notice that I’m having hard time. I want someone to reach out and talk to me to make sure that all is well, and I won’t say a word to anyone. I will just naturally assume that all of my friend can read my mind and will instinctively know that I need them. But it never happens like that. And to be honest, it’s stopped bothering me as much as it used to. How did that happen, you may wonder, as I myself am shocked by the words that are being typed? I know that life has been hard on a lot of us, and I’m not the only one who is trying to outrun the darkness that is trying to creep in. Like the icy sinews of winter, creeping in all around you. We are all battling our own problems and I know that most of those close to me are busy in life. And it’s ok if they are busy and can’t read my mind. I have to keep in mind that I am the one who hasn’t text or called either. I am the one hiding too. Relationships only work if you put effort into them. It can’t be a one sided thing, both people have to consider your relationship a high enough priority to want to keep talking. And this is a really hard one for me.

I don’t have a lot of close friends, and the ones that are close, are close enough that they have become my sisters. There are now four women I would call my sister. Two of them know it. Two of them don’t. It’s all good. I love all of my sisters. But even with those that I love and call my sisters, to my sisters and my parents, I am having hard time staying in contact with them. I used to take a photo every time I ran and I would send it via Snapchat to all my friends. And then I started to think that not everyone really wanted to see my face that often.. usually daily. And from there it’s become a spiral of downward thoughts of why would anyone actually care what the fuck I did today or not. No one needs to know about me.. I’m going to hide. The real conundrum of the whole thing is that I desperately want someone to notice me. I want someone to reach out but I don’t have the ability to outright say, I need help because I’m having a hard time. And it’s not like there is any one thing that has set it off, it’s just that general feeling of why would anyone want to care about me.

That right there is the darkness that consumes me. Like the dripping of a faucet into a cup in the sink, not noticing the effect at first, until the cup is almost full and I can’t breathe. It’s a darkness that I have fought for some time. And while I could spend the rest of this though process going into detail of why I got like this, I think our time together today, dear reader, is better spent not going into that pit of despair.

The question then becomes for us all, how to get out of the grips of this feeling, how do we come to terms with our own selfishness and self-loathing? How do we find our light again? I don’t know. I have been living this rollercoaster for a while. There are good days and there are bad days and then there are days when you have to go number 3… For those such days, you should really take the day off. I try not to let my head get the best of me. I know that though I feel like it’s all against little ole me, it’s not really that way. the reality is that I am but one person. I will do the best I can and I can’t do it all. As I tell Brandy, my oldest sister, tacos fall apart all the time, and we still love them, followed by, you can’t make everyone happy, you’re not chocolate. It’s ok to fall down and it’s ok to not want to get back up. But somewhere in that dream place, between falling down and staying down, there is that glimmer of hope. There is still that light that shines that is our beacon. It pulls me through another day if I am struggling.

Love. That’s it. Love. Not the love that I have for my sisters. Not the love that I feel for my husband. The love that I have for my babies. There is so much that makes me want to end it, but, my babies are what pulls me through. Their love for me keeps me holding on. Because even though we may not see eye to eye on things and life and stuff and hair cuts and how to clean your room and fucking hell wipe the counters off already, they look to me for guidance. I know that I’m far from perfect, but, I want to do the best I can to teach them how to be ladies. How to open a door with smile, how to hold your fork at a fancy restaurant, and to say no and how to make them think it was their idea. I want to show them how to be assertive. I want them to know that they are super cool as they are right now, and getting through this last year was hard on all of us.

19MAY21

Interesting take on that last paragraph I think. In re-reading it, I feel like I might have mis-worded that. It’s not love per se. It’s about wanting to show them, and lead by example, that keeps me going. I want to be a good parent, and I want them to know that it’s ok to stumble and fall, and that’s ok, learn to make it part of the dance. Dancing is just a conversation with your feet. Life is but a dance, so, it’s going to be full up lifts that will amaze, and falls that make everyone hurt, but, the show must go on. And it will.

So, where am I now? I called and made an appointment with the VA to establish a primary care, and at that time to inquire about mental health services. I get to have lab work done next week prior to the appointment so I’m sure there will be lots to talk about. I have not run, and I have been not using good food judgement. There have been a few shakes and lots of bad for me food. Why? Well, the protein shake that I normally use has been discontinued and the new one is twice the last one was and I didn’t want to buy anymore. I have been enjoying more delicious Mexican food than I was a while ago. I haven’t run in a while because, well, I haven’t felt like it. It’s nice to wake up next to my husband and feel him next to me and sink back under the covers, listening to him breathe softly, he really doesn’t snore unless he’s sick, and letting that dark slumber wash over me again. It feels like a bit of heaven just lying there, together, with little Gotro in the next room and the dog at my feet. I couldn’t ask for a better morning.. and then work happens. And when I get home, I don’t feel like going out for a run. I just want to hide in my house, from most of the world. Perhaps hide is a bit strong of a word, how about, retreat from the world for a bit of solace and peace. Running takes a lot of focus for me, as I do like to think about form and solve all of my problems at the same time, and that’s sucked the energy out of me like crazy the last few runs. It won’t be like this forever, but, right now, that’s where I’m at.

Next Monday, training begins. It’s a couch to 26.2 miles program and I feel like I am really trying to go for the couch part of the program so I know that I have really exceeded my own expectations with this run. I know I can do it, will be lots of fun sweating in the Arizona heat training. Good thing I just got a new 3 liter water backpack. I’m stoked😁😁 3 Liters!!!! Can you imagine? That’s like having more than enough water, but, we shall see. The real test will be one of the trail runs I know are coming up in the summer for me and the dog. She wastes a lot of water which usually means not enough for me, but, this new bag could be a game changer!!

I know that I shouldn’t hope to lose weight while training for the marathon, but, I am hoping to do so. I have to really think about food choices. I love food so much, and now I’m fucking starving!! I don’t meal prep, but clearly that will need to become a thing that I do… Which means that it’s likely I won’t be able to eat a lot of cookies.. which means, I will have to eat some more today 😁 I made them on Monday, they are pretty fucking amazing!! Yay me 😎 I haven’t taken a Snapchat photo and sent it out in a while. I still wonder if they even look at what I send. I know some do, but, then anxiety tells me that they don’t care to see my face at all… and I honestly don’t know the answer to that question. I can only hope that they do.

Anyhow, I feel like this has been one long run on sentence and I really should go eat now. Beginnings are always hard, and with this new beginning on the horizon, marathon training that is, I will strive to hold myself accountable with it. With that, and other things as well. Still have a few things left to do tonight so I shall end it here. If you need help, make that call. It’s not the end, I promise, we can do this. Good night friends~😘

Sundae Thoughts

This morning, I went for a long run. And it was a good distance, I can’t complain about that in any way. I think I may have to add the quarter mile to make it at least a 10k. It took me an hour and a half to complete this loop. It was hills and then more hills and then more hills and then lastly, more hills.

The run was hot. I kept thinking about running it again tomorrow morning, thinking what time would I have to leave in order to get back with enough time to stretch a little and try to get my 10 minutes of focused meditation in all before getting ready for work. I’m thinking I need to be out of the house by 4.45am in order to get the run finished and me to work on time. I think I need to make sure I’m out of the house by then. Which means a lot of things.

Coffee will have to be made already and ready for me to have after I’m done with the run. I should think my husband will have already have left the house by the time I get back. I will need to stretch a little too. And it takes me about 40 minutes to get all the way ready from the time I get into the shower and then out of the door.. And I will need my lunch stuff ready to go as well. Yeah…. I think 4.45 is when I need to leave..

Aside from these thoughts, I recently became a grandma. I love this little guy, he’s such a sweet little man. We talk and he is so cute. One night, about a week ago, his parents went on a drive to just get away from the house for an hour. We had him in our room and as we are watching him sleep, his little eyes start to flicker, like he’s in REM stage. Clearly babies dream. Now, we can argue about when does a soul enter the body and a baby become a cognitive being, however, that’s not what I want to talk about. My belief, or idea, revolves heavily on reincarnation. I feel this way from my own life experiences telling me so. My husband also believes in this line of philosophy . We watched him, dreaming and a thought came to me. What if they’re dreams are memories of the life they just left? You see them smile from time to time or their little faces get all scrunched up and they get upset. My husband said either that or it’s the download that comes from changing bodies. He said in his experience, he has come to areas that are foreign jungles and he knows that you can’t go one way because there is a ravine right there, and he’s never been there before. I still say the memories. It’s how our subconscious mind talks to us, and it does show memories. It’s how there have been many documented times of children knowing things they couldn’t have known before.

From what I have learned in the last ten year or so, is that for some reason, we tend to travel in the same karmic circles. We have reoccurring souls who we have contact with over and over again, lifetime after lifetime. Some are good and some we can do without, at least, it would seem, we could do without them. I guess one of my favorite movies that kind of follows that would be Cloud Atlas. Wow. Such a great story. We have the opportunity to be better, to do better, to be the best version of ourselves that we can be. Changing and evolving, hopefully for the better. And then the question of destiny or free will came to my mind. If it’s all part of a plan, do we really have free will, or was all in the plan to start with? Too many questions came to mind for me this morning.

I think I’m a bit sunburnt from my adventures today too. The first outing, I had my sunglasses on. The second was my shades and my hat. The third was my shades again. I am very sweaty and I am looking forward to my second shower of the day.

This goes from Show Low lake to Fools Hollow Lake.. Fun hike??

I ran out of my thyroid meds last week. Went into the office where I buy them and they were out. They won’t have them until maybe Wednesday. I am hoping that by upping my miles, I will be able to maintain and be normal until I can get back to my normal medicine and routine.

It seems that after having our eldest live with us for a few months, they are ready to move into their own place. I’m excited but I’m bummed too. I will miss the good conversation and the laughs. I will miss seeing the little ones and the extra voices all around. But, I understand wanting to have a place of your own, so I smile and enjoy them while we are all here together. I forgot a family photo recently, but, hopefully, I will be able to get one soon enough.

I feel pretty scattered writing right now. I don’t have my music on to help me concentrate and focus a bit. It’s all good though, no need to word about it right now. For the time being, I’m going to sign off, and bid you all a good night. It’s been a good day. I’m glad to be where I am. I look forward to what’s to come. Tomorrow brings a new day, a day to be better than what I was today. I am working hard on that one. ~ PeAcE~

The Voices in My Head

The last few days, I have had a hard time. With both running and life. Yay me, right? I have slacked off in running giving into the dogs’ whims of where she thinks she wants to go for a walk … And I have let her. Because to tell you the truth, I haven’t felt much like running.

I’m worn out. From running. From life. From working. I’m just tired. And I’m tired mentally more so than what I am physically. I’m tired of listening to the same conversation about the virus. I’m tired of being told that it’s a hoax. I’m tired of being nice to everyone. I have been wearing a zipper mask for the last few months. I like it. I had one man tell me he wished all women had a zipper on their mouths. I now wear it as a statement and a reminder of what NOT to do. I need to keep my mouth shut at work. I feel too differently from the people who I am around all day. And with my only seeming ally now gone and moving to be with her family, (for which I don’t blame her, I’m just bummed she’s gone, it’s hard to find good friends) and the other ally out today, I feel alone. And then the voices started. And they weren’t very nice today. They helped to make me feel worse than what I did.

It started out as an alright morning. Would have been the first morning that I would have had to wear my running lights, but I waited. And I waited and was playing on the internet. I don’t mind Instagram so much, but, the stuff that is being said on Facebook lately, makes me sick. There is so much hate and anger from so many different sources. I needed a break. I took it off my phone. For a few days at least, let my head reset and get back to normal. So, I went for a walk. Nothing too exciting about it other than I could have run it, and been done faster. I didn’t have any music or my phone with me for that matter. I admit I was a little nervous that my daily alarm to get myself in the shower was going to go off when I was out and then someone would have to run upstairs to turn it off. I made it in time. I got my coffee. I went upstairs and started to get ready.

I didn’t listen to music the whole time I was getting ready. And once I got in the car, it was whatever came on from my phone. But here’s the thing that made it even more fun for those voices of self-doubt. I was walking down the stairs, about to gather my stuff to leave and my wrist vibrates. It’s a phone call from Snapchat from my sisters. Not just one of them, two of them. And as we briefly spoke, the call went weird and dropped my younger sister. I talked to my older sister for a whole of 42 more seconds and then we hung up, she to go get clean and me to get to work. And then the thoughts started running through my head, like why would my sisters call me… and that’s when it hit me, why would my sisters call me? I’m not a mean person and I don’t hate my family, I’m usually pretty forgiving of all things when it comes to my family, but, that question still persisted. Why would they call me? I haven’t had any of mysisters call me in months. None of them, for at least four months. I get calls from my parents more regularly, but never, ever my sisters. And I have three of them. If we talk, it’s because I have made the phone call… (Ok, that’s not all true. Sister called me about two months ago.) It made me so mad to think about that in such a manner. So much so that I was in tears, trying to calm down before I was less than 10 minutes into my drive to work. And that’s about the time the voices really started in on me. And I started to think about all the areas of my life that I have failed or not been good at, and I felt like the world was falling on me. Why would I stay in a job I am miserable doing? Why don’t I have the desire and drive to change things like I want to show everyone? Why am I not good enough? Why am I not going to ever achieve my goals? Why can’t I be better than what I am? Mind you I’m still driving at this point. And not too far from where I started. What comes to mind at this point is, I’m on time for work, I really don’t want to have to stop and take a moment. I don’t want to have to try to make myself look presentable enough to where I can walk into work, and not worry about anyone asking have you been crying? I sat and focused my mind on the music. It’s what I like to call my worship music. It’s what I meditate to, it’s what I make love. It’s my form of worship, and I love it. A friend from long ago made it for me when we were in massage school. She named it Peyote Lullaby. It’s one of my most treasured gifts because it was music. It calmed me down. And I thought of my lover (my husband). He is my rock and I’m grateful for him and what he brings to my life.

I made it to work alright. On time. Yay, doing good today. I managed to silence the voices for a bit to get to work. I managed to stop asking myself questions that are self-destructive, though, I decided it might be a day for taking meds to help calm me down. So I did.

Work poses its own unique set of challenges on a daily basis. The conversation is still the same, every day, day in and day out. Aren’t you tired of this of stuff? Don’t you hate wearing a mask? Yes. To both of those questions, but, it’s not about what I want or like, it’s about what’s best for the common good of all people. My face is breaking out from wearing the mas. It’s not like it’s something that I love. However, I do have a collection of masks so it’s not so bad.

I have a zipper on the mask I have been wearing. For the second time today, I was told by a man that they wished women would have a real zipper over our mouths. The first gentleman told me specifically, that I should have a zipper on my mouth. The first time a comment was made today, I laughed as all I can think is, I will not stand for criminal abuse. But I feel like I have to just take the abuse from customers and move on because, well, they were just being funny, right? The good thing is I haven’t been told to smile in about 5 months, so there is that. And that wasn’t even the catalyst of it all. I got to hear from a younger man about how there is no glass ceiling for women in banking, men only make it to the top twice as fast because they have the drive and desire to get further than their female counterparts. Women put their families first more often than what men do so they only go so far. And I can see that as being a logical thing……. In a man’s mind.

Maybe I’m too sensitive about it all. Maybe I need to not be so uptight about it all. And then again, maybe not. For today, I will keep my happy face on and pretend that it’s all ok and that things are just as peachy as I wish they could be. But on the inside, for today, I’m spent. Perhaps I will run when I get home and blow off the steam of the day, but, you know, that could always prove to be problematic due to the fact that I’m a woman, and that in and of itself seems like a good enough reason to run other women over with vehicles.

I tell my husband being a woman is like being a 4 sided bladed sword. No matter how you touch it, you get cut. Dammed if I do, dammed if I don’t. What to do, what to do…

I feel like I don’t write much anymore. Like my thoughts aren’t welcomed by anyone. I feel like my thoughts are ignored and talked over. I feel like my thoughts and ideas have no merit or worth because I’m talked over so often. Mansplained over most areas in my life. I feel like I write for myself only since it seems no one else reads it. I admit it’s been quite a long time since I have written anything. And staring at a computer all day long doesn’t really inspire me to sit on the computer at home, but, it seems I need to. For myself at least. ~PeAcE~

After the Race

I did it. I managed to run, more or less, a full 26.2 miles in the blazing Phoenix sun. The sun burn that I’m sporting right now is a lovely shade of fire engine red. Both my face and my shoulders were exposed and though I know better, I didn’t have sunblock on. I think I like the pain of it. Reminds me that I’m still alive and vulnerable to the rays of our star… Our star. The sun, so many amazing stories revolve around the sun and the Sun God(s).

I knew this wasn’t going to be an easy feat for me. I know that my pace is slow, I would venture to say a turtle pace. In fact I got a vision of the tortoise and the hare in my head as I was running. For the weeks leading up to the race, I had fallen victim to a slightly pulled muscle. I had taken care to not overdo it and hope that in the end, I would prevail as I always tend to. Once I was able to run again, I was coming up to running my first race of the year. The Arizona Rock ‘N’ Roll Series. I like that it’s big, and there are so many people who are there running together. I had got to the valley on a Thursday and I was pretty excited. However, it didn’t go as planned. To begin with, I had a very bad night’s sleep. I have never slept on a foam mattress pad, and I can honestly say that I really don’t wish to do so again. It was the beginning. Went for a walk to shake things out a bit and I was shredded. I looked like shit. Took a shower to get the blood flowing and got dressed. Went to Walgreens because they have my allergy meds that I like and I forgot to bring mine down. I had the little one with me, and, well, to make a long story a tiny bit shorter, I got sick. I ran the 5k with my little goose and then went to my sister’s house and went to bed. Until the next morning when my baby is telling me she can’t do it without me and I told her of course you can. You are stronger than you know.

She was such a trooper. Ran her race like a boss. And then I went home. I spent the next two days in bed out of work, and then next week or so trying to get all the shit out of my lungs, ineffectively I might add too. My last long run before the marathon was 8 miles. I was spent after that. Clearly the illness had not really let me out of its clutches. I was nervous. This was a major thing that I had trained for, which, I really could have done so much better than what I did, and I was spent after 8 miles.

I got down to the valley, again, on a Thursday and this time, I was in a bed that I could sleep in. Went for a little run in the morning, felt pretty good. Then the morning didn’t go as well as I wanted it to. Argued with my best friend for a little while, and then we got through it, but, for those few hours, it stressed me out like no other. I hate when we argue, but, we are people who live together, and eat and sleep and hang out together, so, it’s bound to happen that we see shit differently. And we do, and it was made known. The day went on, and while I was doing better in my head, my head was not in the game of what it needed to be. Got back to my sisters house and we made a dynamite dinner of pasta and meat sauce with spinach and artichoke heart dip with sour dough bread. I was in heaven with the food. So much goodness right there. Around 8 pm, I excused myself to the room and began to make sure all was ready for the race. My clothes were laid out with care. My fuel in the bag, my water in the bottles ready to go. I was set. Got into bed, and was able to sleep a solid 5.5 hours.

Game face time. 3 hours until start time. I had to be up and out the door, to be at the bus loading zone before 4.15 am. Ok, I can do this. I managed to get myself up and ready and out the door on time. My husband was dropping me off, so he stopped and we got some coffee and then I drove to where he was going to drop me off. He was going too slow for me.

In only a few races I have done, I have been with someone or run with a friend. It’s not like running by myself is a new thing. And yet, when I got onto the bus, I realized how alone I felt. Not lonely, I don’t mind being by myself, but, for the first time in a long time, I felt alone. Maybe it was fear or nerves, but, it was a distinct feeling. One that makes me not want to be around others and that feeling stayed with me until I relaxed into the run, around mile 3. I knew others from my different running groups were going to be there and though I don’t feel very welcomed by them, it would have been a bit easier to see a familiar face. I want to feel welcomed though. I often wonder if it because I live so far away and because I don’t do a race every weekend. I come down, once, maybe twice a year for a race, so, I can see where it would have some overlook that I was going to be there. Anyhow, more of that later…

Sunrise, as it’s just starting to peak out

They national anthem is belted out by a 12 year old who sounded amazing!! They lit fireworks for it, I was stunned to be honest. How fucking cool is that? And then it’s time to go. So many runners go by, I tried to start in the back of the pack, and yet, I was so far behind the vast majority of the other runners. The miles came easy. I was so happy to have found my stride, I felt like I was trucking along and things were going my way. I was so loving the music and the view! My goodness, I thought. The desert, though not for everyone, has a certain beauty to it. And then I have a vision of Peter O’Toole, in Lawerence of Arabia, when asked why does he like the desert. Because it’s clean was his response and he’s right. It has beauty all of it’s own, and it’s clean with it’s wild dark purples and bright orange sunlight. Quite stunning really, and the photos don’t do it justice. I remember thinking about how I was looking at the full moon on one side of me and then sunrise on the other side of me and I love when I get to see that. It’s magical really.

Nearly a full moon going down on the other side of the road

I’m feeling good at this point. Mile 5, 6, 7, 8 just keep trucking along at a good respectable pace. And then I notice that my body is not as full of energy as it once was earlier this morning. I keep going and about mile 15, the desert sun starts to take it’s toll on me, and my speed feels like it slows to a crawl. I am always so impressed by so many kinds of people who run. I watch them as they pass by me, noting the way their bodies move and I can see where they are hurting at that time. And then I had a man pass me. He was a kidney and liver donor. He was holding his side as though he was in such pain, and he passed me. I kept trying to overtake him, and I just couldn’t. It was then that my heart started to realize that I might not make the time that I had aimed for, despite having a goal of just finishing to begin with.

I don’t remember when it started but, once I was told that I had to run on the sidewalks and use the street lights and oh by the way, the course is now having all the aid stations packed up and gone, and to make it even more challenging, they are moving all the traffic cones and the course is not really marked anymore, I nearly cried. I looked at my watch, 4 hours 11 minutes since start time, I had nearly 10 miles to go…FUCK!!!!! I press on, not going to let this get to me. But, inside, I was bummed. I kept thinking about how runners say you hit the wall at 20 miles. I remember asking someone about it. He said, there is no wall. Which, again, took my mind to another movie, this time The Matrix. It’s the scene where Neo goes to see the oracle for the first time and he talking to the boy about how to make the spoon bend, the kid tells him, there is no spoon. I thought of that. There is no wall. And so I kept trucking along. By the time I hit 6 hours, I was still almost a full 5k from the finish. I hadn’t pooped at all that day, so I kept thinking don’t trust a fart over mile 20. I had the chance to use the porti-potty and with the amount of work I would have to do just to sit down, I said fuck it, I can hold it.

I was about two miles from the finish, I saw my uncle walking across the street to walk with me for a minute. I had seen my husband and daughter twice on the course and their support cannot be understated here. I am so grateful for the love and support and encouragement that they gave me through the whole process of this and out on the course. I was so glad to see their friendly faces durning the run. I was cheered for by my name by the group of folks he was with and that made me smile so hard. He walked with me a iittle way and I was so happy to see him. I cracked on and got a move on. I was so close now.

I had to stop a few times and check the map to see where the fuck I was supposed to go to find the finish line. Down to the light and cross the street and you’re in the home stretch. However, with traffic now using the roads, including a round about to get to the finish line, I was feeling a little lost still.. I could see the finish line but, there wasn’t anything to point the way. My husband ran with me to the finish line and I thought I would cry when I finished and I didn’t. A nice young man named Mitchell handed me a medal and a towel and said you did it. You finished. There was no one there anymore. I had missed the time cut off. And wow, what a difference that would make, I should think. I asked for directions to find my gear, and had to wait for traffic to move so I could get one decent photo of me in front of the finisher banner. There was minimal shouting, from the same group that stood and waiting with my uncle, but, aside from them and my husband and my daughter, I felt like an empty victory. I had worked so hard to finish this. I had wanted to finish it in the 6 hours and couldn’t. I finished in 6:55:19… almost a full hour off the mark. I was devastated. Ok. So, I missed the time limit, big deal, not like I wanted to see anyone else that day, but whatever. I don’t have an official time, I missed out on all the after events and my pride has been a bit bruised, but I will get over it.

Later in the day, I see on social media that not only was most of my running group there that I talked to about me being there, but, they had a big after party. That’s when the feeling of being so small really hit me. I felt like I had just finished this big thing that others in my running group seem to think is a huge accomplishment, and when I do it, it’s like who cares? I cried. I have a hard time living in a small town that keeps me from being able to join others in celebration of all of our endeavors. I felt like not even an outcast, just like the kid who tries really hard to be friendly with the other kids, but, is still not good enough for them for whatever reason.

I have a hard time with making friends. I want to have them, but, I have a hard time putting myself out there for others to be able to reciprocate. I need better friends to start with, and while I know that it’s all in my head, and life really isn’t like that, in fact, I”m sure that most of these people aren’t like that at all, it’s just me thinking it has something to do with me, since I am the common denominator. But, life isn’t always about me. And it’s not always about what I want to do and what do I get out of something. Life is so much bigger than that. If have to remind others of my existence, then I really don’t want to have to deal with them. I had hoped that one day, I would have these great friends that I see in the running groups, all hanging out together. I realize, that’s not everyone’s reality. I wanted so badly to feel like I belonged to a group and I still don’t. I wanted them to like me. I am just going to be grateful for the friends that I do have and maybe instead of making friends wtih others, I should instead, just be happy with being where I am. On the outside of it. Still happy for other’s successes and wins in life and sad when the hard times come.

It was a hard run. I am grateful for what I can take away from this and hopefully utilize that in training for the next race. So that means no more getting sick or hurt. And training will be different. I shall do my best. I have another two races planned this year, you can bet it’s going to be a lot different this time around.

……

I don’t want to say that I have been left out of something, I realize most of the problems I have with my online friends is that I make something of nothing. I just see things differently than most and I am trying to understand the world doesn’t revolve around me. I find the latter hard sometimes. I get so caught up in my whole world that I forget others have things on their minds too. It’s all good. Tomorrow is a new day.. with any luck, I snow day at that 🙂

The Training Cycle

I will be the first to tell you that I am not super stellar at being motivated in my personal life. At work, I tend to move and want to learn more, pushing myself to do better so I can, I guess, climb the ladder. I am not a fan of working. I feel like I have been working for the last 26 years, and I am not a fan of it and I no longer wish to work in the traditional sense of what I do. I perfer the comfort of my home, listening to my favorite writing music and putting my fingers on the keyboard and letting my mind wader as I type. I hit backspace a lot 🙂 While I am in my socks and yoga pants and slippers, sitting in my home feeling the composers pain as the tones of Toccata and Fugue in D Minor beaten into a pipe organ come flying into my ears, I don’t want to do anything. Not house work, not dishes not cleaning, and unless I am pushing very hard to finish a month with one hundred miles or more, I don’t like getting up in the morning and working out.

Alas, it’s now week four of marathon training. The first two weeks of training went fairly well. Got my long runs in and I was starting to have a good flow for it. And then last week, I slipped a bit. Monday wasn’t bad at all. Tuesday I had a schedule change and this became my early day. I got home thinking I was going to be able to change and then get my run in, likely pushing it close to my violin lesson. I instead had a discussion with my husband about the current cover of Runner’s World Magazine. The headline is talking about women and how many are harassed while running.

Needless to say, I didn’t leave the conversation with good feelings. Not like I was angry or anything, but, when trying to explain to someone I know intimately that I felt so inarticulate with my words, I was crushed. I want to make a living out of, essentially, explaing to others how I feel, and this was a huge blow to me. How will I ever be able to do that, if I can’t even express my thoughts to my husband, my best friend? It didn’t sit well with me. The run didn’t happen, though the lesson did. I came home in a funk and I couldn’t shake it. This lead into Wednesday. All day I was off. I couldn’t let it go, didn’t know what to think of it. And then, to make me feel especially good, I had a customer tell me that at my age, there wasn’t any real changes I could make that would allow me to be able to move out of the area, even if I wanted to. I’m stuck. Wow.. That made me feel really good. That night, my husband was the most wonderful man. He held me and loved me and didn’t judge me and wasn’t angry that I was off. I felt so validated. Thursday morning comes along and I didn’t run. I wanted to, but, a few contributing factors had left me feeling like I was getting sick. There have been prescribed burns going on in the area for the last three weeks and with little to no wind, the smoke settles in the trees and air and it gets in your head making you feel like you’ve been hit by a train. I slept in, and I was so glad for that. Friday, I was still not feeling good. Saturday I had planned the long run, 10 miles, but, that just never happened.

Sunday came and I was prepared for it. I had my new water bag out and ready to go, my bag packed with treats and fuel for the run. Everything was ready, and since I was leaving early, I figured I would miss the church crowd. Had my route planned and everything. I was going to run to the stop light and cross and head into Pinetop. From there I would run until I got to 3.8 and turn around. That was going to give me 4 miles left when I get to the stop light. It was more like 3. Now what? I hadn’t planned that part of it. So, I winged it. I was half a mile from home which meant I would need 2.5 miles, which is 1.25 miles one way. Off I go down the road, thinking, I wouldn’t be too long. It felt like an eternity.

3.8 miles from my house is The Lion’s Den… The end of town… before the country club.

I have managed to do pretty well on my workouts since then. I made a giant training calendar and it’s in my room and as the days go by, I mark off another workout completed. Without even realizing it, I am nearing the end of my first four weeks of training. I am surprised how quickly that went by. I am shocked is more like it. Who would have thunk it?

There is always much talk about cross training in my running groups on the internet. I have come to love so many of the people in these groups. It’s a place to be able to say what is on my heart and weighing me down without a lot of judgement. To be fair, I don’t like to air my dirty laundry on the internet. I have from time to time used my blog as a forum to bitch about work, but, after only hours, I have taken them down again. I don’t like to do that. There is such a thing called privacy. Not that I don’t tell people how far I ran today on the daily, but, my private life, I have a hard time talking to others about stuff that is none of their business. I have learned the hard way in my life to know that what gets written down can always be seen. If I don’t want the public to know, I don’t put it to pen, or fingers to keyboard. <<<<SQUIRREL>>>>>

One of these things is not like the others…

Cross training… There is a lot that can be said about adding some basic weight training to the running. I used to own a weight program and I loved it, but, I couldn’t find it. I knew that for this race, I was going to want to do some serious cross training to help me get into better shape for this race. I want to finish in 6 hours. I know I can walk 30 miles in 8 hours, I am pretty sure I can do 26.2 in less than 6. And by adding the weights, it will help me to tone up more and develop more muscle definition. Like in my legs.. I love my legs!

For this part of it, I wanted to find a good running plan and combine it with the weight training plan that I already have. I am using the methods described in Run Less Run Faster for the running portion of it and ChaLEAN Extreme for the weight part of it. I like how they work together. Three days of running and three days of weights is where I have settled into my plan. I noticed at the end of the second week, I was feeling like my pants were fitting a little nicer. Last week, not only did I let the voices in my head win the battles, but I ate shitty food to go with it. Fried pickles and beer were among the favorites that I had. Along with ice cream, lots of good chocolate ice cream. I knew I was going to have a hard time running on Sunday, but, it was ok. I wasn’t going to quit just because I had a bad few days.

Tomorrow will be the last workout in the Burn phase of the weights. I am so thrilled that I am able to say I have finally finished a full month of this training plan. Bought it years ago, like, before I met my husband, and had all of the workout written down so I could track and I have never made it past the third week in this. I was proud to see that yesterday as I was marking what I was able to lift and how many reps.

Thus far, with only a few days of setbacks, I am pleased with the progress so far. I notice that while I can’t run as long as I want, I have to have some sort of discipline in it, I feel like my legs are so much more powerful. Yay, squats are working! With the winter setting in slowly, I am glad that I’m not trying to kill myself with a ton of miles every day.

Watch out Phoenix Marathon, I am coming for you…… I am going to beat this training cycle.