Who’s Driving

Yesterday, I went to the post office to mail a package to my daughter at college. I drove myself and Ella, my granddaughter. She helped to carry in the package. Getting into the car was a little rough. Getting out of the car was even harder and a lot more painful than I had expected. And then I had to do it again to get back home and I decided that I will not be driving again until I am feeling like my knee is ready for it.

The kids spent the night last night and for our movie for bedtime, Inside Out 2 was the chosen flick. I laughed at some of it and cried at a lot more of it. When I put on my eyeliner this morning, I noticed that my eyes were puffy from the tears and decided to go with black eyeliner. Seems to hide that a little bit. We watched both of them this afternoon. And again I cried. And it got me to thinking as Thomas and I sat outside about what emotions do I let drive. What emotions are being shoved down and bottled up?

I want to take an honest approach to this and just say it. I’m pretty sure that I let anxiety and sadness and fear drive most of the time. And due to certain unfair circumstances related to my knee breaking, I’m pretty sure that joy had been sent to the back of my mind for a while.

It’s strange really. I just got all my medication for all of that, and I haven’t thought it worth it enough to actually remember to take the damn things for the last week. Not only that, but I can say that since I have broken myself taking my other medication has come to crawl as well. I wonder if that has anything to do with the feelings I’m having as of late. There isn’t anything helping to regulate those emotions. Anxiety needs a special chair and some tea. Fear needs to just relax. Fuck, and I’m still just pissed off about my knee. Most of these feelings wouldn’t be going on if I could fucking run!!! I have repressed anger a lot as well. That one I think I have repressed for most of my life and it only really comes out when things don’t go my way. And If I’m being honest, most of the time they do go my way. I try to plan, and I try to take care of the little details before doing things so I’m prepared. But, I have that burning thought of I’m not good enough echoing through my head far more often than what I want to admit.

I want to write some more right now, but my eyes are starting to close and I’m getting tired, more to come later. Like tomorrow… hopefully this thought doesn’t get lost in the back of mind between now and then.. 😎

A few days later…

I refilled my media-sets this morning and made sure to take them today. I haven’t thought much about who was driving since Friday night. I’ll admit, it’s been a tense week for all of us, and I’m grateful for the two days of the weekend. I’ve relaxed a little bit, and now I’m ready to settle in and begin a new writing adventure.

And so we being. I have decided that for the running hiatus part of this blog, I won’t have any photos in it nor will I go back and proof read this. I do realize that I think faster than I type and there are bound to be lots of mistakes in them, but overall I believe that will help me to remember which entry is which.. But then again, so it the titling part of the whole bit.

I made sure to give anxiety a few days off this weekend. I have to say it’s nice to let every one else take a stab at driving from time to time. I am hoping that she will take a back seat for a while, but I can’t say that’s going to be the case. Tomorrow is last day of the fiscal year for me so it’s going to be a busy one I’m sure. And it’s going to be a long damn month. Hopefully, I will be able to get surgery done to get my knee fixed and then back out to being outside daily again. I feel like there are many things that are going to have to happen from now on. More on that later though.

Have a good night friends 😎🤩

A Running Hiatus: Have You Ever Spoken Up When You Saw Something Was Going Wrong?

WOW. That’s a good question for today. The second part of that was, were you scared? What was the outcome? Well, I suppose it’s time that I tell a hard truth, I am a coward. I’m the Libra who hates confrontation so much that I have allowed people to walk all over me and use me as a doormat. However, from time to time, I have stood up and said something.

There are two times that come to mind when I think of this. The first was many years ago when Thomas and I were still dating and hadn’t moved in together. Kelsie had a room that faced the parking lot at our apartments and one afternoon, we drive in and see that the blinds are all sorts of fucked up. Thomas got so pissed off at her for it. She had taken large boards and put black cloth on it and put it in her window, and it had all sorts of fun things pinned to it. It was a decoration. He went in and started yelling at her for it. She was crying, not realizing that it had done the damage and said that you told me it was ok to put those in the windows. He walked out of her room and I was standing there. Her door was closed and I looked at him and asked if he knew that was going to happen when she did that? No, he didn’t know, and I said then need to apologize to her for yelling at her. I told him if you told her it was ok, and then this happened, you can’t yell at her if you didn’t know this was going to happen and you said it was ok. Go and apologize to her.

And he did. And from that time on, when one of us is in the wrong, we do apologize for it. I’m not always right, and thankfully neither is he, though, he’s right a lot more of the time than I am. But he also says I’m sorry a lot more than I have had to. Mostly because he yells a lot and he knows that that’s not cool. We are a work in progress. And I’m totally ok with that.

The second time that this happened wasn’t so long ago. Maybe 5 years ago. Vanessa and I had finally decided to go to the Renn Faire together again. Liz, her daughter was going to met us with a friend of hers down there, and Vanessa and I and Piper and Dez, one of our friend’s daughters was going to drive down. I remember it was a Friday night and we were all so excited. Kelsie was over helping to get Piper in costume, it was going to be a great day.

And then, I got a text message about the plan. Liz was no longer going to met us down there, she and her friend were going to go down with Vanessa and I. This was a big deal because there weren’t enough seat belts to go around. We were short one. I was so upset having to tell Piper that it’s not going to happen. That Vanessa broke our plans to accommodate her daughter, which is in her right to do if she wants. I said something about it. I stewed on it for about 30 minutes, pacing back and forth and what to say and how to say it, I typed out my response to it at least twice before I sent it. I stood up for myself. By ten pm, I was so fired up mad, I decided to go for a walk. I was mad at Thomas for bringing it up and then not letting it go and that I had to say something. I looked at him and said, I’m not happy about this whole situation, so just because I’m not yelling at you, doesn’t mean that I’m not super pissed off about it. He was so happy for me standing up for myself. It was kind of cute actually.

Got home and went to bed, Thomas was already asleep, Kelsie had already taken off and Little Goose likely cried herself to sleep that night. She was so bummed. Vanessa later told me that I was right, that was shitty of her to do and she was sorry. And she was so proud of me for saying something and standing up to her and standing up for myself. I ended up taking Piper to the Renn Faire later in the season, went with Hanna and Alex. We had a great time. We didn’t dress up, but we had a fantastic time.

I still don’t like confrontation. I hate getting in the middle of things and having anyone either yell at me or get mad at me. I’m still a coward, but, I’m getting better with age. I hope… Until the next time friends, have a great day.

The Cobwebs on the Lamp

In our living room, we have a sectional that I really love. It’s not the over stuffed kind that I see so often, but more of a modern modular kind, in blue. It is divided into two pieces, one with three sections and the other with only two. The one with the two, is next to the window and I like to sit here. The other one just faces the TV on the north side of the house. I have been sitting here a lot lately.

I was having a hard time yesterday with it all. The waiting, the wrong billing from the hospital, the bullshit of the whole thing. I can’t run. I can’t walk. I can’t carry my own coffee into my building. I have to use my pockets to transport my coffee mug from the office to the break room so I can have some coffee. It’s been three weeks now and I’m now able to use one crutch while getting around the house. I don’t dare try to use it long distances. Though that would make getting into buildings so much easier. Oh well.

I have been getting cramps in my foot. Like in the arch and that ooooh, hurts a bit. I feel like it’s a less bad than getting a Charlie horse in the calf, but, still a bad feeling. I don’t know why I get them either, but whatever. I know that I haven’t been drinking enough water. I know that I really want to, but it’s a huge pain in the ass to actually get up. Luckily I get to have shorts on for the weekend and it makes life easier for me for two days.

Today when I got up, I started cleaning my room. Cleaned off my dresser and my nightstand and I put the clothes away. It was a great morning. We had a good lunch, and then took a trip to get flower and then came home. The day hasn’t been anything special, but, I am considering doing a special writing series. Not sure if I would be able to stick to it, but, given how I am going to be on the computer a lot more for the next few weeks, might as well take advantage of some opportunity to work on getting better at writing in general. I have been saving screen shots for…. well, ten years now. Damn, and I have a lot of them. I recently found a series of questions that was designed to help prompt your writing. Reminds me of my two favorite English classes. In 4th grade and then again in 8th grade. What made these two stand out as years to remember you, dear reader, may be thinking? They have the same thing in common. A writing journal with assigned prompts.

I can tell you that I kept my 4th grade journal, however, I don’t know what happened to my 8th grade journal. The latter class however, is more memorable than 4th grade. Is it because it was more recent than 4th grade? 🧐 My 4th grade journal is filled with passages of how much I was in love with this boy named Glenn. 🤦🏼‍♀️ There are at least half a dozen to a dozen entries that cover this dude. In 8th grade, we covered more interesting times. I remember reading the book Jacob Have I Loved. I remember the day Kurt Cobain was found dead, we talked about that in class and one of my classmates, Lizette, wore a Nirvana T-shirt that day. 💔 I remember having a bad day and not wanting to write about whatever it was the topic of the day was. And instead I wrote what was on my mind. I remember my teacher, Mr. Medlock. He was our track coach. The writing was something that I loved in both.

The more I think about this idea I think I will.. So, dear reader, I have decided that for the time that I am down, since I can’t really write about running, though I will be updating as needed, I am now the proud owner of the new blog arunninghiatus.com .. It’s still processing, but I will be doing the very same thing I did all those years ago, by tackling some of the most interesting topics I could find to help me improve my writing. I mean, we can all improve, right? I will let you all know when that is up and running. I am going to be using some prompts that I found on Pintrest years ago. When I was still hanging out with Belinda and Lacey. I am very excited to be using these as they are some good questions about life and I don’t think I will be adding many photos to it, like I do here, but you never know. I’m thinking mostly like short essay style writing. But I wanted to try something new and different and maybe even challenge myself.

Once I am finished with this video I am working on for the business, I will be focusing on finishing my book. As you may remember from a years ago, I wrote a book about what to do when someone dies. What do you need to do first and second and what to expect. Some helpful phone numbers and some fill in the blank places about your own wishes. I even leave a little space to write your own obituary. Why not? I had to read my uncle Tim’s obituary recently and it was written in first person narrative. So very beautifully done. Made me realize that I never got to know my uncle. And I really didn’t get the chance to grow up with my cousins. Once we moved to Kingman, it’s not like we were at each other’s birthday parties anymore. So why not write your own (**Random thought **I may have been a bit rash in going in for the .com page but I’m learning much about computers and webpages and designs and video editing, might as well start to really learn it all.) .

I even get my own email address.. Like I need another one to keep track of. julie@arunninghiatus.com Almost feels like a big step to pay the extra for that. It was total of less than $15, so it’s not like a big spend but, we shall see how it goes. How exciting. I have exactly 172 questions that I will be asking myself. I may actually make that 200 if I can find those other questions. I will be posting the questions here, and should you wish to know my thoughts on one specific, I suppose it would be cool to write to me, now that I have my own email address. I feel like a grown up now. Weird. 🤩😎

I feel like this entry, dear reader, has been very scattered. I am sorry for that. I started writing and then I had to go pee. So I got up and then I decided that I was feeling a bit peckish and needed a little snack. So I went with a small glass of orange juice and some chocolate frosting. Now I have lots more energy to keep writing and then I came back to my computer thinking about should I buy the domain and do something a little different in writing. And very rash me usually does. However, I won’t do that again. But to be honest, I’m pretty excited about this all. Something different. Something new. And should this work out that I can figure it out and get it to work like I want it to, I can do this for the business as well. That would be cool that I could do that, but one thing at a time. My goal for today has been met and then after that, I thought I would write until the battery is fully charged again and then I will be done for the night. And then start all over tomorrow. I’m actually smiling about that now. Work until the battery dies and then do this until it’s charged again, and I promise one lasts longer than the other and it’s not the writing part of it. I will do some more research for tomorrow’s video work, I have to do some editing from the internet again and I forgot how to do that.

So many projects are being taken on right now, and I’m ok with that because I need to get the lead out when it comes to getting the stuff for our business done. We have a deadline and I need to be done with this a while ago. Why so busy all of the sudden? He found property and I found house plans. I want to make this happen. I know that I can do this. But one project that I took on, has come to a stand still until the video is done, and that is Kelsie’s skirt. It’s in that final stage of being put together and I won’t work on it until I am done with this. This is too big and too important to stop and do that. That and my knee hurts when I sew, so that’s not going to happen until I can do more with my leg. I know I have been slacking on this and I am tired of being scared of succeeding. It’s time to just go for it and stop stalling and just do it. So this is me doing just that. And I guess it had to take me getting knocked down to get on it. While I’m at it and on the computer, why not do something brave and different.

If you have stuck with me this long, dear reader, I do thank you. I will be still updating here as I mentioned because this one is my first writing spot, but I will be able to answer questions you may have had about my running or what topic of conversation I should tackle for the upcoming blog arunninghiatus.com. Drop me line sometime.

Night all, I’m too tired to keep going until the battery is charged. It’s time to go watch the end of the show I was watching for a while, when I was upstairs with Thomas. Well, he was sleeping and I was lying next to him to snuggle. It was about a WWII C47 that was the actual lead plane on D-Day, dropping the 101st Air Borne Division. First of their kind. This one was named That’s All,,, Brother! Kind of cool and interesting to learn about it. Didn’t realize it was a 2.5 hour documentary. I had to take a break and thus came down and picked up the computer again. 😎❤️ ☮️

Down Again

Well, it’s been two years now, to the day, that I hurt my leg by tearing my hamstring. Wouldn’t you know it, I’ve managed to hurt myself again. And this time, it’s likely going to require surgery and PT and many walks. Not that I’m opposed to walks, but, I had just been able to get into doing a 10k at least once a week and I was really enjoying that.

Me and the girls doing a 10k together ❤️

Where to begin… Well, dear reader, this year I decided to take some of my vacation time and go see my sister for what was supposed to be her retirement ceremony. It was changed about a week before to a promotion ceremony instead of retirement. I went out, got to see her and I was having a blast. The weather was gloomy and it was a rainy day out and I took my niece over to a trampoline place to go have some fun.

We were having a great deal of fun too. I was very much enjoying it. And then I jumped and when I landed, I was aiming for the divider, which when Amelia jumped on it, stayed put, however, when I jumped on it, my foot did a weird thing and now I have a bruise on my foot. We keep going, we stopped to stretch for a moment though, because feeling that, I wanted to make sure I didn’t hurt myself again. I was jumping really high and when I came back down, I did damage to myself. In all, I have a torn ACL, a fractured condyle of the femur and a pulled groin muscle. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

I did however, get to spend some quality time with my sister and that made me feel a lot better. She was awesome. I’m so glad that I was there and got to be around her and her family. But damn, I hurt today. Had my flight home yesterday, which was upgraded to so I could have some leg room, and then once I got back to Phoenix, Thomas picked me up and we then drove for 3.5 hours to get home. Stopped in Payson for food at Denny’s, which was a bust for him, but not terrible for me. Finally got home, it was only noon… I started my day at essentially 1.15 am my time and I was beat. Took a long nap and I could have stayed sleeping.

Today, before I have to go back to work, has been a bit rough. The brace helps, but it hurts to sit on it for a long time, and then when I take it off, if I have to get around, it feels so heavy. I hurt a bit today as well.

I was able to go see some cool things in DC though. I went to the National Mall, would have been cooler if I wasn’t being pushed around or using crutches. Saw the Korean Conflict Memorial, the Vietnam Wall, and the WWII Memorial. I also got to see the Lincoln Monument and only took photos from a far of the Jefferson Memorial. I was whipped by the time we got done, and not only that, I was super smelly. Like gross caked on salt from sweat, reminded me of being on a ship and doing some kind of lube oil drill and everyone is in turnouts and everyone smells. Eww..

The next steps are going to be fun. I have to go see my PCP this week, already had an appointment with him for other things, but, it’s good that I can get in so I can get my referral for an MRI in as well as an orthopedic surgeon referral. I think with luck, I’ll be back to walking within 6-8 weeks. Hoping for less though. And yes, that’s going to mean that for now, I’m down, once again.

It’s not so much that I feel like I don’t get enough rest, I really do. I wasn’t doing a whole lot this past month and I recently discovered that while I am trying to not do everything half-assed, I hadn’t been applying that to running and the fact remained, I was not giving it my full commitment. I was changing and doing well, I was loving doing runs again to see how far I could push myself. And now, I’m back to resting. I am super sad about it, but I know that there are a good many things that I can now focus more attention on. Like working on the business stuff, and maybe I could write down the recipes for making cheese – I miss cheese so damn much – and reading… And maybe spending more time on my computer, writing. I have started many different pieces, and yet, so many of them are sitting there, as a draft of a thought. That thought will not be the same and I won’t be able to recreate that moment in time that I was feeling whatever it was that I was feeling.

Thomas and I have been talking. He said that I need to learn my limitations. I have to realize that the older I get, the more prone to accidents I become. I’m not a klutz, and I don’t do silly things. This, he said was just an accident and that it’s not my fault. But now, I have to be the one who is trying to get better from it. It’s super frustrating for me. And if I am told to stay off of it, I am doing just that. Looks like I won’t be half-assing my recovery at all. There is too much at stake for me. I don’t want to risk hurting myself again either. Just too many things that I have to take into consideration. Makes my head hurt.

Lexi and I at the second round at the hospital

If you have stayed with me this far, dear reader, I do appreciate it. I’m just having a bad Tuesday. And I’ll heal and this will be ok, and things will keep moving. But for today, I am choosing self pity. I want to cry and breakdown and be sad and let my soul break just a little bit. I want to wallow in my own deep sad thoughts, I want to feel all the feels. But just for today. I don’t want this to bother me tomorrow or the following day. I want to get out of bed and be grateful that I woke up. I want to get my coffee and drink it while sitting out back and enjoying the chatter of the hummingbirds that are all around me. I want to put makeup on. But today, I have to worry about getting a shower chair, and eating dinner. Neither of which I actually want to do, but are a must for me. I want to eat an entire bar of oat milk chocolate and then eat my Ben & Jerry’s non-dairy frozen dessert – not even ice cream.

Regardless of what it is that I want to do, the things that have to happen will. Most of what I want to do today aren’t something that is going to happen because, well, I’m on the computer and not crumpled into a ball on the floor of the closet crying.

Fast forward 5 days…

It’s just time to recognize that I’m not a spring chicken anymore. I have some limitations but I will have to more aware of my circumstances and situations. Anyhow, time for other things… happy Sunday.

For the record, I’m terrible on crutches!

Fast Forward a few more days or rather weeks….

I have been to the Dr. I have had the MRI finally and sadly, I will eventually have to have surgery for a torn meniscus, and ACL that is still attached by “a few fibers”. It doesn’t say that I broke the femur but it’s not a good look at this point. Now I have to wait to see the ortho to find out more about this surgery. I have yet to be called about it. I can only play the waiting game. And, yes, I’m more than just a little bit pissed off. I have to remember that I live on the mountain and things are slower and there is no other place to go. It’s like dealing with our local hospital and their terrible billing practices. I also feel like the longer I wait for medical care, the longer I will have to heal. I’m mad about it, but there isn’t a whole lot that I can do about it. Today I’m sad about it and I’m letting myself be upset by it. Tomorrow is a new day so I am hopeful that I will be less upset by this whole thing. We shall see.

Until then, I’m on the couch doing things that I have been putting off. I have been working on the company logo, and too, I will be working on video for our company. My sister sent me a video the other day, it called out Libra and Virgo, me and Thomas, to do the things you have been putting off that you know you need to do. So, I feel like this is going to be the time that I need to get this stuff done. I have goals that I know we can met if we work hard. So now I have been given the gift of time. I think I will have to see this is a gift that I wouldn’t otherwise have been able to take advantage of. I will continue to be irritated with the whole thing and be thankful this is just my knee, and not a health emergency. I will continue to trust in the process and hope for the best though I know that it could do a lot better. I don’t think I will do it with the computer on my lab though. This hurts my knee. I think it’s time for some ice actually…

Until next time dear reader, thank you and good night 😎

The Ides Of March

15March2024

If you are not aware, the Ides of March are a special day for all of us. The day changed how our modern world operates and how we can be so cruel and yet survive to see another day. In the year 44 BCE, our friend to Rome, Julius Cesar was stabbed to death, by his friends. They feared he was going to be a king and that simply could not happen. The last to stick a knife in him was Brutus. Rumor has it that he may have been Cesar’s illegitimate son. And he had been forgiven by Cesar for trying to fight him on the battlefield. The show Rome was a great adaptation of the whole thing. However, not to overshadow the killing thing, Cesar had brought together Rome and the people. They loved him. This changed how our now modern world works. This was also the day that my husband and I decided on for our anniversary. Why did I have to decide what day it was? The first year together came around and neither of us could put a finger on the exact date so we went with the Ides of March.

That was March 15. It’s now April. I think April fools day was not so great for me. I dropped my breakfast shake and it went all over the counter, got to work pissed off because I couldn’t make another one, that was the last of the fresh fruit. No toast for me either as I needed to be walking out the door, I’m grateful Thomas was there and he cleaned it up. Had sausage and crackers for breakfast. Decided I needed some more coffee. Had to hit up Walmart for it. Got there and there was no almond coffee creamer. Like none at all. Motherfuckers!! Opted for some Lemonade with blueberries. One of my most favorite flavors together. And through all of that, I’m sitting at my desk sneezing like crazy. Something is setting off my allergies really bad. I also bought some Ben & Jerry’s for lunch. Got done with lunch and went back to my office. Misty came in and she was kind enough to give me some Sudafed. I then asked my boss if it would be ok if I left early. She didn’t get back with me until about thirty minutes before I left. I ended up leaving 12 minutes early.

Got home and I knew Kelsie and the kids were going to be over so I got home and they were doing quiet time. I love being around Kelsie. She’s such a sweet and kind person. She’s a great kid! We went to the bank to get some cash and when we got back it was time to clean up and go home. So instead of crawling into bed like I had wanted, I went downstairs and helped and hugged and said farewell for the day. Sat down on the little love seat. Thomas and I stared at the TV. 📺 Willy Wonka was on. Both of us snuggled down on our respective couches and slept. For three hours. Wow I needed that. When I woke up, the movies home screen was on and playing the music to one of the songs was playing. The one about no place like pure imagination. Yeah. The one Gene Wilder sings.

Got back upstairs and crawled into bed again. I was out before ten. What a day! As for getting anything done, I did run the day before. And let me tell you I got home from my 4.69 miles and within minutes of being home it began to sprinkle. And then it rained most of the day until it started snowing. And it dumped six inches of fresh snow on the ground. I love that! Thomas and I went for a drive that night just to go and see. It was beautiful.

As for forward progress, it’s moving at a much slower rate than what I want it to happen. With the kids over so much I haven’t really taken my sewing machine out to do anything. And I had to purchase a new one!! I’m still going over all the stitches but I’m loving it a great deal.

For my running I’ll admit that yesterday didn’t happen. Miles are increasing monthly so that’s a bonus. I had hoped for a hundred mile month for at least ten months this year. Maybe I can hit 9 months of the year and just pick up extra all that I can. I’m currently sitting at just over 200km for the year. I want to hit 1024 and make my challenge goal. Would love to hit it long before that because that’s only 612 miles. I wanted to hit 1000 miles this year. I can still make it. Just need to get up and go in the mornings. And I’ve been loving sleeping in. But I miss the sunrise so it’ll be starting up again with morning runs here soon. And I’m going to want to start to do my loop again. So I’ll have to work on that a bit. Oh and I have a race/run this weekend. It’s up here at the park and it’s four laps around the park for this year’s Tilman Run. I love the shirt this year too. And it the runs 20th year. Seems like twenty years ago was lifetimes ago. Huh. 🤔 it was at least Pipers life time.

It’s weird to think of 20 years ago. We were still rebuilding as a country from the attack on the twin towers. I was still serving in the navy. So many possibilities lay in front of us all. Life was so very long ago and far away.

Anyhow. The loop is going to have to happen many times over now. I’m excited about it. I like that area. And I got new running shoes. They work well on the dirt but not as much on the asphalt. I’ll keep wearing them. But I will start doing more trails. Hoping to get more miles in this month than last. I think I need to get myself moving in that case 😁😎🤩

A Hard Truth

I have a confession to make dear reader. I have gone through the whole of my life thinking I was concerned about others and taking care of those around me. But when shown the other perspective, I realized I am not the woman I thought I was.

In my mind, I am thoughtful and do nice things for others. In my mind I give my family what they need and do so without asking anything. In my mind, I’m pretty cool. However, I had my behavior pattern pointed out to me. I am not the things I think I am. There is no “goes without saying” because it somehow slipped my mind that no one can read my mind. I hate these hard truths about myself. But at the same time, it gives me a new way to see the person that I am.

Personally, I wish I could blame it all on my changing female body and the hormonal changes that come with getting older. I’m not a spring chicken anymore, so I know my body is doing the weirdest shit possible. I can see that I do all the good things for myself, drink water, move my body regularly, not binge eat Harbro gummy bears when I want to because they are there and delicious. And yet. Somehow I feel like my body is slowing down and telling me that I am getting older.

I wish I could lie to myself and say it’s because I’m stressed out. We are all stressed. This is more than it’s just stress. This is me not taking a good look at me and seeing what my best friend, my partner sees in me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a sign of an ending to us. No. Quite the contrary in fact. I am not objective when I look at me. I want to think I’m some kind of modern, everyday, run of the mill, small town person. I like to think of myself as being pretty but not too beautiful because to be beautiful is to be vain. And I think I’m fucking awesome at being alive but don’t want to be too prideful. Insert the soliloquy of America Ferrera in the movie Barbie. Wow. Well done sister!

I have come to see myself in a different way. I’m slower, easier to anger, and faster to forget. I put in a lot of lip service and I don’t mean it. I was asked recently, that if it came down to my parents and sisters or my husband and his daughter, I would chose my sisters. And it’s stuck with me since then. I was thinking about it at work too. And it makes me wonder.

I feel like this needs to be said. I have presented like that for a long time. It was in little things. Such as the photos on my Lock Screen. Now I open it just to see the photos. I have loved writing and yet I have never written to advocate for our girls. There is so much that I have left undone (I feel an underlying theme here lately 😑👎🏻).

Since then, and when I say then I’m referring to when I started this one in November.. November 15 to be exact, I have began taking a low dose of estrogen. I started looking at people in life for who they are, not just who they are to me. That one is a hard one. I have put a lot more thought into making my relationships better. Showing affection and using a softer voice. That’s not an easy one either. Stayed off my phone more with the kids over and played with legos and cars and Buzz Lightyear. I am being an active part of my life again and running again (except for today when the Yolandi was very clear that she wanted to go home. And I know from previous days like this, that she will ensure we go back with her way because that is her way!). I find joy in my everyday life and I’m so grateful for it all.

Action needs to be a dominant force. Action needs to be my new word. Am I setting a resolution? No. I want to look at it like it doesn’t have to be a lot of progress. Just forward progress. Forward with the business. Forward with writing. Forward with a podcast. Just forward.

I feel like forward action is the theme I am going to be embracing now. Forward action to get further this year than last.

I have been running again. Not too far or anything but I’m going to finish my 1024km challenge this year. I have forgotten that it will make me sore in parts that haven’t been that sore for a while. It’s almost like starting over but I already know what to expect so there isn’t any guesswork. I had to loosen the dog’s harness yesterday after our run because she just wasn’t in it at all. I’m going to be adding miles this coming week. I haven’t done the loop in so very long it’s time I see it again. And early will be better as the ground is frozen and I can get away with being in the mud on the side of the road. I’m looking forward to running this year. I don’t have any goals for it, but I’m taking it easy this month and will be upping miles a great deal next month. If I can hit about three miles a day, that will give me a good deal of miles. But I’m wanting to get better times too so I’ll be doing work at home too. Like stretching and strength training. Oh it’ll be amazing!!

Anyhow, dear reader, if you got this far I thank you. I have wandered off topic a bit but I’m getting there again. I have a lot of work to do on myself. And today is the first day of the rest of my life. Unless it’s the last day of course. Happy Friday to you all. Let’s go have an adventure. 😎❤️

What’s on your mind?

There has been so much going on in my head that it would seem like it would take me a thousand days to get it all down. It’s strange really, I compose an entry almost daily and yet, I never seem to pick up the computer and put it in black and white. I wonder if there is a product that can read my mind when I ask it to and put it in writing… did you ever see the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? Jim Carey, Kate Winslet, Elijah Wood all play a part in this film where a woman is trying to erase the memory of a person. And every time they find a new memory of said person, they don’t seem to want to let go of each other.. He then does the same and they meet again on a bus, and start over with each other… Which makes me think of the movie What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams and today is actually the nine year anniversary of his death. Each year since then, most especially in the last two or three years, I have shed tears over it and I wondered why. Why did this one person’s death have such a profound effect on me? I didn’t know him. It’s not like we traveled in the same circles but why does it do this? I have never shed a tear for any other entertainer. I have been bummed that we lose amazing talent year after year as we all get another year older, but I am not overly tearful when it has happened to other people that I enjoyed watching their films. I digress.. What Dreams May Come was a gut wrenching film that had me in tears five minutes into it. I had to stop it to take out my contacts it was that bad.. Anyhow, a man loses his two children in a car collision. He and his wife are grief-stricken. He then dies in a a car collision or something and goes to this amazing place. Not really heaven but something amazing and wonderful. It’s an afterlife place of sorts. The other side if you will. He then learns that at some point, his wife commits suicide. He is determined to find her and bring her back from a place of no peace, of no happiness, nothing but dark and lonely forever… Well not entirely dark, think of a rainy day in the afternoon. When it’s nearly 1600 in the afternoon and it’s not the summer but not the fall yet so it’s a tiny bit chilly outside. And it’s bleak outside and it’s going to have you in tears so quickly. Grab a box of tissues for that one. But it’s so worth it. And you know how there seems to be a lot of movies that have been touching on the concept of reincarnation. I have noticed a few Disney movies that have given some interesting ideas on souls and where do they come from. What a thought though. Reincarnation. I have a feeling we find the same souls over and over again. I have had a few times where I have met someone and I know that I know them. But I don’t know where. I feel like that’s a moment in life when you find a soul you knew before somehow and the connection is fuzzy but slight enough to throw you off your rocker. Or to have flashbacks from a different life of the two of you in another time and place, as fighters not lovers. It’s such a wild ride to meet people like that. I’ve met a few people like that. I knew them at a different time. I have been thinking about the Navy a lot lately. Could be because reading/ listening to three different books about being a sailor?? I wonder?? First, I’m listening to a book by Admiral McRaven, narrated by Admiral McRaven called Sea Stories.. Wonder what he’s talking about. The next one I’m reading at lunch time at my desk is called It’s Your Ship by Captain D. Michael Abrashoff about leadership and what it means to be a good leader to your people. Ethics and stuff. The third book is called Two Years Before the Mast by Richard Henry David Jr. and it’s about him embarking as a sailor on a merchant marines ship for two years in a year I can’t remember at this time and the book is upstairs next to the bed and Thomas is in bed because he doesn’t feel good so I don’t want to go up there to be around his sick germs. I hate that he doesn’t feel good though. Means I can’t play with him. And while I was just vaccinated for my booster and I will be getting my flu shot this year, like always, I don’t want to get sick. I will love him from afar right now. From the safety of the couch downstairs. I can sometimes feel the breeze coming through the window with a light mist from the drizzle of the rain and I have the sound of rain on the tv with black screen so it’s not distracting… What’s on my mind.. Or better yet, what’s not on my mind?

IF you’ve stayed with me this long dear reader, you can clearly see that my thought pattern isn’t exactly straight. Compound that with having to do work and get things done at home, work on the business and be a good parent, and work hard at my job, and try not to say stupid things at work, there is a lot on my mind and it’s a bit chaotic in there. As you can see by the date, I haven’t pulled the computer out for a while, but I did today. It’s the perfect day with Thomas not feeling good. I can listen to what I need to and concentrate on a few things that I tend to put off as often as I can.

Yesterday I sat in the swing and talked to Thomas about some of the ideas for the business. It’s always a long conversation when we sit out back and talk. We say we are going to leave and do what ever errands need to be done at 8 in the morning and by 11 we are out the door. I was thinking about how to do some of the things we want to be able to market our product using animation. About a 30 second clip and that’s going to take some time. However, as we talked about last night, if I can spend an hour every night working on this, when we need it in six months, I will be somewhat proficient in the use of whatever animation platform that works that best. So far all I have found is that Procreate is one of the bests.. and it’s only made for iPad with the Apple Pencil. Or the iPhone. My phone is not a good enough size to really do much with that. So we then talked about other options as well. I have so many things to work on with the company that I needed to take a moment and get my thoughts down on paper.. in black and white? Whatever it is.. I want this to work and so I know that I have to put in my part of it too. So that’s what I’m doing here. Unless I find a donor who wants to give me said items so that I may do what I’m thinking would be a lot of fun and will be priceless when it comes to what we are trying to convey.

And then I told him that my plan was to spend the time daily and he asked when I was going to do that since we were already looking at 7.30 or so. I told him this was our hour long meeting about where are we going with the next steps. I’m excited for this creation. I am so hopeful that someone will want to buy it or license it. It really is a game changer. Fingers crossed.

Monday now. That was from Friday. Once again I open my computer and see that my document is still open. I hit the save draft button, it saves it no problem. I finish my thoughts and then hit save and it won’t save. Ah.. but this is why I spend the money on this was to be able to copy and paste.. So I tried to open a new pages entry and I x’ed out of this page altogether before I could copy and paste it.. UGH!!

Love black and white photos of the clouds

Today’s hour was dedicated to writing and finishing this entry. I have slacked for a long time waiting until the last minute to create something that I will look at and say, you know you didn’t do your best.. You didn’t give it your all, so with practice, that’s what I’m rolling with. Finishing thoughts and journal entries.

I have been making sure to exercise daily, and with Piper home, we walk three days a week together. Since they didn’t have school today, it was Navajo Code Talker Day, we decided to walk tomorrow. And I thought I had been doing good with food choices. I have even added a weight supplement for my slow metabolism to get it all working together.. Yeah, I gained 3 stone. I am shocked and saddened by this. I will lose it again. I didn’t eat ice cream, I have gone back to eating grapefruit. Double peel it and it’s such a wonderful fruit, with a bright flavor. Also, going with tea for a while for evening drinks. No biscuits for me, just the tea. I guess bodies are made in the kitchen. We shall see. I even walk or run lots.. I love to run, though with my hip out the last week, it’s hurts quite a lot. My back is popping even now, let’s hope the hip goes with it too.

Ok.. Now I’m tired. Have to get up early for my walk with Little Goose. We leave around 5 am.. Yay! What a Feeling!! Good night~

A New Thing

This afternoon, while I was preparing lunch, Little Gotro came downstairs and stated that she would eat, but she was cleaning her room. How am I to stop that? She said it just got to a point where it was just too much. FINALLY!!! She has done it. Gotten to the point where it gets so bad that you have to stop everything you thought you were going to do and clean up your mess. I had to do that yesterday too, but it was more like a whirlwind named Julia came through and needed to pick up her mess.

The last more than a couple of mornings, I have managed to get up before work and do a work out. The last two days, I have run before doing the workout and I can say that I will make sure to do the workout before the running. I have been feeling like the new dose on my meds was making me not so happy. And truth be told, I was getting upset with myself because I was allowing myself to do whatever I wanted and not do anything to help keep it balanced. Since the time I thought about this, it was a blizzard out last week. Not like some snow and shit, but a real blizzard. Complete with howling high winds and snow blowing sideways making large drifts along the sides of houses and trees. It was so snowy out that our clinic was closed for a day. The roads were frozen and the temperatures were below zero. I don’t run in those kinds of conditions. But I knew that I needed to feel better so I got myself out of bed and I went downstairs and got my DVD and went back upstairs and started to do a short 24 minute workout. I’m thinking this would have been Thursday morning. (It’s now Monday afternoon, President’s Day). Got up Thursday and Friday morning to work out. I got up Saturday, Sunday and Monday to do that workout following a two mile run. Tomorrow it will be workout and then a 2 mile run.

I thought that doing the run first would be easier for me and the dog since she doesn’t have to be in here for that. She’ll be upset in the morning when she realizes that we will be going running after workout. But, for this week, we are only working on 2 miles. The goal at this time is to be able to get to run those two miles without walking, and stopping only due to the dog having to sniff or pee or take a poo. I’m ok with stopping for that but I want my body to get back to where it was a long ish time ago.

The run itself yesterday was so nice. Slow pace but I wanted to maintain the pace throughout the entire run. I was just about a full km when I had to walk due to seeing a young family with a puppy off the leash coming towards us. Then shortly behind them was an older gentleman with a dog off the leash as well, much more well behaved than mine is. But again, I don’t run by situations like this. Too many times I have had a dog charge me and The Yolandi Dog and so we are very alert while passing other animals like that. We get closer to our turnaround and there was another dog just running in the road, doing what he wanted. So we turned around. And then getting back to our neighborhood, we saw the second gentleman again and decided to not go down that road. I hit time on the watch and get the dog inside and off of her leash to see that I have .09 to hit my two mile mark. So I take off around the parking lot. I have a new fastest mile. 15:46:12 is the new record for this watch. The watch is brand new, got it on Friday. I got a Garmin of course, this is a Vivoactive 4S I think. Yup. That’s what the box says. I like how I am already getting so used to this one.

For the run today, I found it to be a little harder than the one yesterday. Again, I am pretty sure that I really should have warmed up more before running this morning and that would have made a big difference. Hindsight being what it is, I went out this morning, and I was feeling a little more stiff than I wanted to be. I could feel the shin splints wanting to come on, it was not the funnest, and yet, I was loving every moment of it! Both of my legs were hurting evenly and you have no idea how much that made me smile. You see, dear reader, when I was first starting to run after my injury, I was only getting pain in one leg for shin splits. I didn’t want to over do it. But, I wasn’t having any of those problems in the right leg. As you can see now, I am very happy about having those in both legs. They are starting on equal ground now. Not only that, I find that when I do the squats and lunges, it feels like it’s helping to stretch that leg properly as well as help it strengthen and find that balance with the other leg. You know what would be epic, I good hard massage a long bath and about 12 hours of sleep… That would be so lovely.

My new watch also tells me what my body battery is at. Since I got it and have been wearing it, my body battery has been sitting right at 5. I had it as high as 25 this morning after finally feeling like I got a restful sleep, and now it’s sitting pretty at 9. Might have been the nap I just took as well. For my afternoon snack, I went with some cold cereal. Nothing sugar coated and I didn’t add any sugar to it either. Just some almond milk and honey nut Chex. I like how crunchy they are. I would say that I’m trying to go a little bit lighter on the sugar, so I had some protein toast fro breakfast after working out, though tomorrow, I might opt for something with a little more umf to it. I had two slices of toast, one with butter the other with butter and peanut butter. For lunch, I had some crackers at my parents house and came home directly and ate my sandwich and two pickles. From there I took a nap for an hour. For my afternoon snack, I had my bowl of cereal and now, I’m eating a small bag of gummy bears. So much for working on less sugar. I’m just so hungry right now and I had a bag of gummy bears… I am ashamed 😔 I’ll get over that, don’t worry. I might have some apples in the fridge or a cucumber. Who knows at this point. I might opt for ice cream later. I have way too many of them, might combine some for a milk shake with dinner… that might be fun 🧐😎

I am working on me because I want to. Not because I feel like I need to be someone of influence or statue, but just a lady who wants to feel her best. I am not giving up coffee though! I know that I will always carry some weight on me, and that’s ok with me. Thomas loves it as it is. My best friend doesn’t think I look bad so why should I tell myself that either. I don’t look bad. But like everything other area of my life, it could always use some improvements. I am a work in progress, forever striving to be better than the woman I was yesterday. …. there went the last gummy bear…. Oh well… They were delicious!

Good night kids~

Are You Running?

About two or three weeks ago, I read on RunnersWorld on Instagram a story about a woman who had done a marathon and documented it but she had never done any race ever and she was overweight and she walked the whole thing. I liked the story because I like to see the good in the world and see that people are able to do amazing things when they commit to it. Will she do another race? Will this be her thing? I wanted her to proud of herself as I myself have been able to do (not all of the time, but I have felt so good that I felt like my insides were going to burst from the light that wanted to get out. Like a statue breaking from within, that ever elusive runner’s high. That’s amazing!) and I wanted that for her.

Since I have taken up running long distance running, I have found an amazing group of people who cheer you on and inspire you to be better and work harder. I had yet to see anyone be nasty to another in this regards. So imagine my surprise when I looked and found that there are many who took issue with the particular article. The majority of it being, she shouldn’t be featured in this post because she didn’t run any of it. I have read this thread and oh my goodness gracious! They hated that she ate while she walked, and anyone could walk 26.2 miles was another of my favorite remarks.

Taken back doesn’t begin to adequately describe what I am feeling about this. Shocked. Hurt I think is a better word for it. I took offense to some of the comments because while I have not walked an entire marathon, I did sign up for a 30 mile walk in a day. Holy motherfucking hell!!! I would rather not ever do that again. I have to be able to run some of it for me to consider doing it. Like the first 15 miles. It seemed like it was uphill the entire way, but I can assure you, dear reader, that I have run that road and it’s uphill both ways. It was the comment that stated if you have to walk during your runs, you’re not a real runner that was particularly hurtful to me. I’m not her and I don’t know the back story any more than what was featured in this article. But it nearly took my breath away to see that in black and white.

I am not an elite runner. I never will be. I would like to do a marathon in less than 6 hours, but, that’s a lot more work than what I want to do right now. I am nursing a injured leg and have to make sure that when it starts to have that twinge that I have to begin walking. I was never a long distance runner, but, I love the miles.

It took me back to another group long ago, 7? 8? 9 years? Not too sure, 2020 feels like it was 7 years ago and I am shocked to see how much has changed in that time. I have been lucky enough now, in this time, to see Leslie Jones hosting the Daily Show. Oh I like her a lot!! She’s brilliant. More Leslie Jones!!! I digress. It was group of veterans and there were many on there and one day, I came across a post that said if you didn’t have an honorable discharge, you can’t call yourself a real veteran.

OK. First of all, who died and left these people Ed McManhon? Do they think this will invalidate their accomplishment because an overweight woman walked a marathon? I did get one comment back that said it was a page dedicated to running and while they chose to write about this one person, they didn’t highlight that another women broke a running record? I was more impressed with this comment. It gave a different solution to what was a perceived problem. It really broke my heart to see this. It was then that they started to get super petty. Like fucking Karen, can I talk to your manager petty. One woman went onto another profile and started throwing shade at her for her posts that didn’t have anything about running on it. Whoa! Fucking call the manager for being that childish. I wanted to say something to them both. Did you know that famed runner and author, mentor and coach, Jeff Galloway has a running walk method for different distances? He’s set records and he walks part of it, is he know magically not a runner because he walks for a part of it?

The sun goes down. The water is near to the dock again

I thought about these things for my run today. Yes, I walked some of it. Largely in part to the amount of ice that I dodged so I wouldn’t fall down and break my crown 👑 But that muscle, it tells me when it’s time to stop running and walk for a bit. I remember turning onto Larson Road and thinking what gives these people the right to say that you aren’t good enough to be featured in any article on the internet? For fucks’s sake, grow up people. Your small mindedness is really ugly and no matter who you are, once that stink gets on you, it’s a lot like the smell of desperation. It’s a hard one to get off. It turns you ugly. The audacity of people on the internet is overwhelming sometimes.

It was coming up on to mile three when this was really something that was bothering me. Just made me so angry. I set records when I was young, in junior higher running. Actual school records, I was a sprinter. I’m still very proud of that. Why? Because I was always looked at funny when I told others I was a sprinter. “You don’t look like a runner, let alone a sprinter” is what I would hear as they looked me up and down. I was a chunky kid. I’m still thick. I love my curves right now. But tomorrow is a new day and as I get a bit older, I am starting to notice things hurting more than they used to and I take a bit longer to heal than I used to.

At this point in my running, if I have to walk, I’m going to walk. I have to listen to my leg now, I have no desire to re-injure myself. I guess if I don’t run the entire time, then I’m not a runner. And I guess if a real veteran has to have an honorable discharge, then I’m just not a real veteran… I have busted my ass to be able to call myself both of those thing. These opinions are stupid and full of bullshit. This does not invalidate an elite runners accomplishment. This does not invalidate a person who served in a time of war in a theater of war. We were on the offensive side of that war. I worked hard to be where I am and I simply refuse to let others opinions of bring me down. I feel like this kind of thinking proves my little sisters theory that some people just don’t have the sense that god gave lemons.

I got home from my run dn thought about this some more. I know I shouldn’t let it get to me. I know I should just drop the whole thing and keep going and smile, but I feel like I am sick to death of smiling and letting others tell me what they think I should or should not be. This is a subjective opinion piece on a runners page. We aren’t talking about, the Supreme Court did what again? Or the war in Ukraine. Or any group of facts strung together. This is a sport. Some are elite. Others just can’t live without it. If you consider that in 5 years this woman will still be able to say I walked a full marathon and I can do fill in the blank, so can you. I would rather hold someone up as the cross the finish line than worry about a PR. We are a herd. You take care of each other in a herd. The miles are all the same, no matter how long it took you to get to the finish line.

For the majority of the runners that I have met, I have yet to meet anyone who has said anything like this. So I am lucky in that regard. But, I am also glad that I chose to help others and build them up instead of tearing an accomplishment apart because it doesn’t match someone’s image of what a runner should look like.

I am tired now. I ran hard and I am so grateful for the ability to do my best. I have been pushing myself and I can start to feel some of the good from my efforts. Why, you may wonder. Am I trying to lose weight? Umm.. 😂No. I want to at myself in the mirror, naked and be proud of what this body has been able to do and has been able to overcome to get where I am now. Where am I now? I am able to run again, and working on getting my leg stronger. I was born with a twisted hip and as a result I had to wear special shoes – think ‘magic shoes’ from Forrest Gump – and I have injured that same leg again and again. Most recently, you may remember dear reader, the tear in rectus femoris on September 3rd. I was down for weeks, and had a hard time walking two weeks later. I was lucky enough that I didn’t need surgery. I don’t want to hurt myself. I am getting up and doing it and not only getting out and doing it, but, putting a lot more effort and focus into running than I have ever done before. And that includes running track for three or four years. I want to make a comeback and be better than I was before. I would love to have a running parter. I have been lucky enough to have had two woman running partners whom I love dearly. Now it’s just me and The Yolandi Dog and my thoughts. The buddy was the one who helped you push yourself harder. Never had a faster pace than when Vanessa and I were able to run regularly. And she was way faster than I was. Now we walk instead. I like that we can focus more on the conversation than what I was able to do while running. I could focus on what she was saying, but me trying to run and talk at the same time is not something I can do very well. I want to be strong and leaner.

And with that thought, I must finish a few other projects. Look out for two more posts tonight 😎🤩😘

Thinking About War

It’s currently raining at my house, but, I can’t hear it outside my windows. Instead I have put on 9 hours of rain storm on black screen and lite candles, one wood wick candle and two others. I am starting to see a lot of military stuff come up in my feed in Facebook and on Instagram. Many people I served with put some of their proudest moments as their profile picture in honor of Veteran’s Day. A true holiday that I take off, no matter if I’m working at a store, in an office, in a bank, and now working for the feds again, at the local VA clinic. For the two last ones, I already get that day off even when the day falls on a weekend. So, yay me.

That’s me and my parents after graduating boot camp August 2001

I wanted to go for a run this afternoon, but the gale force winds from today really killed it for me. I remember last year, when I was cleared to run again after surgery, I had a really hard time getting up to go run at 5 in the winter time in the cold mornings. This year, I have a new headlamp that I bought and of course my Noxgear lights for both myself and the Yolandi Dog. I try to stay visible and make sure to not have the music on too loud and pay attention and all of that good jazz, but, I got into a talk with my husband about a story I read on our company website and I didn’t go run.

Now this website will feature human interest stories as well as informational things being passed down from the director himself. This afternoon, I flipped over to that page and there was a story that got a great discussion going between Thomas and I. A gentleman was turning 102 and he was talking about his time serving in the US Navy. During WWII. In the Pacific theater, the South Pacific. During Guadalacanal. On the USS Chicago.

Many may not know about this battle, though, I hope that many are curious enough to want to learn about our nations history, this was a battle where things didn’t go well for us at all. The USS Chicago is now 3 miles under the waves there. The story grabbed my by the gut and I had a hard time not getting all teary eyed. He’s lived a long life, had a good sailing career, survived in the ocean at night during a major naval battle. I can’t imagine how scared one must be in that situation.

Gotro came outside to talk to us and we began to talk to her about this story and about this man and then we got into the battle strategy and how we were just not prepared for what they knew and what we didn’t know. I have read books about these kinds of things. One was called Into The Depths, about the USS Indianapolis and how he had survived in the open ocean for three days, floating not in a life boat. He talked about hearing the men scream from being attacked and eaten by the sharks, because make no mistakes, they are out there in the ocean, and they will eat you, if they can, if you’re bleeding and broken and can’t move fast. You’re a sitting duck in that case. I digress.

When we got inside, we had dinner together and watched a really cute Christmas movie. Well, Gotro and I watched it, Thomas was asleep very quickly into the movie. After it was over, she went upstairs to her room and I put a movie on to help him sleep a while. I put on Saving Private Ryan. Ordinarily, I would put something on like a documentary of a battle or history of the pyramids or whatever. But I put this movie on knowing that he will sleep very soundly to that movie. For the first time, I was able to get through watching the first 30 minutes. So much blood on that beach, so many men who lost their lives before they even made it onto the shore and further up it. It was a horrifying site and I watched it. I forced myself to do so. Everyone who comes to my office for help, be it man and woman is a Veteran. Many of them are Veterans from wars and have seen combat, have been in hand to hand combat, and have had to kill others in order to survive. I watched the part at the very beginning where Tom Hanks’ character is stunned from something going off in his ear and he stops and looks around for a moment while still on the actual beach, but not quite out of the water yet. I feel that when I am told some stories about being in combat.

It’s rare that I have a WWII Veteran come in, but when I do, I feel like I hit the lottery just getting to talk to them, even if it’s a brief encounter to help them with checking in for an appointment. I love to see them, there aren’t a lot of them left these days. Following that, there is a large population of Vietnam Veterans. I have a few favorites, but, that’s because I have known them for a very long time. One I know from when I started working, he knows my parents as well. He was so proud of me when I told him I was going into the navy, and I feel so lucky to get to talk to him now. One I met while working at the bank, he’s a Korean War Veteran. I call that a forgotten war, thus forgotten soldiers. There are fewer of them around than what I would like, but, our bodies don’t live forever. They are designed to give out. But the stories that they have, wow. I will always sit and listen to what they have to say, even if I am still working on something else while they are talking to me. I love them all. Even the ones who truly are grumpy old men. But, I have a great deal of respect for them all as well. They all said at one point, I am willing to go into a war I may or may not agree with, and die for the freedoms that we are all able to enjoy here in America.

Every one of them is fighting their own battles with their bodies, and their minds now. They are old and they are young. Many have seen things they cannot share with others out of fear. Many, myself and my husband included, feel that the civilian life doesn’t make sense. There is no certainties with it. You don’t stay until the job is finished in many places, you stay until it’s time to go home. You never really understand how your job makes a difference to the company mission. It’s hard to talk to people who haven’t been in the service. They don’t always get it. My stories intimidate the fuck out of men. Specifically men, yes.

I don’t know if I will run on Friday in time to get home and see Silas before he goes back to his dads house, and I don’t know if I will remember to stretch. Following an appointment, I’m going to see two of my sisters. I’m not staying the night, Gotro has a school function to go to on Saturday morning, so we have to be back anyways. But I will think of the Veterans that I love. The ones that were on my first ship, the ones that were in boot camp. The ones that were with me in A school and C school. The ones from my last ship. The ones who I really disliked, the ones who hurt me, and every other one of them. They are my people. I am going to aim for 3 miles. I can do it. A 5k for my own Veteran’s Day celebration.

Update 15Nov

Turns out I did not get my run in. I did my 5k yesterday. I’m still getting shin splints in the one foot but I’m pretty sure that it’s from not getting full extension on my left foot as it’s going through the movements. And perhaps my heel strike. Could be it’s because it’s still trying to mend itself. 🧐🧐🧐 ……. Nah!

As I was getting ready to go to the valley, I got a text from my little sister asking if I wanted to go to the Elton John concert that night. Yes. So we went and watched the concert. Wow. Does he ever put on a show!! It was amazing. I am saddened a great deal when I think of why I got the tickets- friend was admitted to the hospital. More like a sister than a friend rather. She’s doing better now but that was a frightening thing.

I am wanting to go run on a regular basis. Right now I find it so hard to go do it. It kills me to not go outside and run but at the same time I am not loving the muscle tightness and it’s cold. I’m stalling and it will likely win today. That’s ok. It happens. Until next time, dear reader 🙃