Weird that it took Kelly dying for me to really start writing again. Not that I didn’t write before but certainly not this much in a months time. I started to think about what I wanted to do to honor him. Running the 6.9 km daily. I will be lucky to get out and get one mile daily.
My dog hates me because she wants to go out and I’ve been a couch potato for like three years. Ugh! So I’m a little hesitant to make any commitments. However, since it’s to honor my father, the man who stuck with it to the end, would want me to be wishy washy about what I am committed to doing.
Friday night put my back door
When I started running more than a decade ago (that sounds so weird, running consistently for more than ten years), I had no idea that I would go from being pretty meh about it to becoming a serious runner. And from there I have only gone back down hill. I’ve checked my miles over the years. Nearly 7,000 miles since I took it up ten years ago. Almost eleven years to be more precise. Hard to believe it’s been that long or that I’ve logged that many miles. And what’s crazy is I still love doing it.
I do love it. And I find myself wanting to do it more and more these days. Could be because I know it’s what makes me happy or it could be because my parents have been huge supporters of my running and I want to honor my father or it could be just because I love the feeling of it.
When I thought of doing something to honor my dad, I thought I would run 6.9 km daily. One kilometer for every year of his life. But I want to be realistic about things. I haven’t been running that much and hitting that route daily for 70 days would be enough to give me shin splints. So I will get up to that. However, I will make the commitment to get up and go run daily. But more than that. I will make the same commitment to my health that he did before he passed. He did so good on his meals once he was given the diabetic diagnosis. He cut out carbs and had lost more than 20lbs in the time he was doing this. His shirts fit looser than they used to. So that’s what I’ll do.
Saturday morning will Ella
I will make a commitment to do what he did with his eating, cutting out the bad and eating the good and sticking with it. He was committed to it I can do that too. I can do this thing. 70 days. So that would be March 1. So far I made it through one day. We shall see how it rolls. Seems I’ve been sleeping all the time now when I can. Went to sleep at 7.30 last night. Like completely out before 7.30. Slept until sometime after 3 and then it didn’t feel like I really slept much after that. But we did go run today. And yesterday.
Guess it will have to happen in the morning. The run I mean. Here we go dear reader. Maybe I will have more stories for you. I also thought about telling one story about him every day too. I so t know about that. It’s hard enough to get me to commit to running daily. But maybe with this I can commit to finishing the yearly you vs the year challenge. Would be nice to finish it. Injury has taken me down for a few years now. But I think it’s time. Time to move my butt and get going again.
This morning
So here we go again. On my own. Well. With the dog but you get the idea. And now it’s time for me to get going to bed. I admit I’m tired. Ready to call it a night so I will say good night friend. Sleep well.
It’s inevitable. We all die. No one gets out of this life alive. My dad used to make jokes about it like, when I die I want to go like my grandfather; peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car. Or another thing he used to say was everyone is dying to get to the cemetery. Stupid jokes of course but they used to make me laugh.
There has been such an outpouring of love and support from everyone. All over the country, all over the state and even from the Pacific Ocean… that would be my little sister who was on deployment. He work led as a fire fighter for more than 20 years. All of them from the time I was in high school on. In fact he didn’t go full time at the department until it became a full time opportunity. Before that, they had a day crew and then volunteers for nights and weekends. I used to go to the station and watch Bevis and Butthead with him because we don’t have MTV at home. And I was told no I couldn’t watch it at home.
Turkey trot one year
I try to see that death isn’t the end of life, it’s just another stage of it. I’m not worried about his soul, I’ll leave that to others, I just know that he’s ok. He’s safe and now he gets to be part of my life only in my memories. I’ve listened to his voicemail a few times and watched old videos of him and the kids just to hear his voice. To hear him laugh again. He always had a smile on his face and when he walked into a room he lit it up with his endless energy.
Of course as his child I knew him differently than coworkers. Growing up he was out of town a lot working. That started about the time I turned 7 or so and lasted until the year or two following my high school graduation. Not always out of town but working for the state took him to a lot of places. He worked in Prescott while we lived in Kingman, and then once my mom’s job took us to Pinetop, it took a month or two before he could get transferred to their Show Low office. I still drive by it and think of him being there. He worked as natural resource department clearing trees and other bits of shrubbery from the shoulder of the road. It was after this particular job with the state that he got on with the fire department full time. And boy did he love that!
Dusting the house this year
Personally, I’m not a blood and guts kind of kid. I don’t want to see things coming out of your body that is supposed to be safely inside the body. So I know my calling isn’t the same as his, but he had so much fun with it. Yes, there will be calls that I remember him being on and the way it took a toll on his mind and his heart. He said the first day he ever worked after getting his EMT license was a suicide that didn’t work. After many years of seeing that exact kind of call he would say they should offer a class called suicide: doing it right the first time. Yes, terrible I know but anyone who I’ve met since then who has worked as an ER person or EMT/ Paramedic, they will agree. It’s gut wrenching to see that so many try and fail and in that process alter the trajectory of their whole life. Good bad or otherwise. And just to be clear, suicide isn’t something to joke about but you have to make light of it or the job will put you in therapy for life. There were countless car collisions that he cleaned up dead bodies off the road and that would gut him completely. It takes a special kind to do this job. And I’ve only known a two that I grew up with who have taken on that job as well.
In trying to cope with it, I’ve gone back to work (as if I could just not go 😑) it’s good to have something to take my mind off of the obvious. I have a great support system who is working with me to help me with anything I need. I am grateful for my coworkers, they are pretty amazing.
Another turkey trot
Few days later…
Was driving around town doing stuff and things hanging out with the kids. There was a truck that pulls up to us, we’re driving the same speed and he pulls ahead and I look over and see the load of wood. Do you ever know when it’s the last time you do something like that with them? Like I never knew it would be the last time to hug my dad when I did. I’ll never be able to go get a cord of wood with him either. What hurts is the not knowing it was going to be the last time I got to hug him. It was the last time I got to say I love you daddy. And yes. I still called him daddy. When I wasn’t calling him Kelly. There are no more birthday party with my mom. No more Christmas seasons we take a full day to have his birthday. No more laughs. Fuck!! This fucking sucks!
Always loved the hair
I don’t know how my sisters are handling this. I know that I have to keep going and I have to keep doing my thing. Keep working. Keep living. Just keep livin. I imagine everyone who has lost their father, or people who have a close relationship with their fathers, all go through this. That feeling like your compass star has disappeared, like your lost on the ocean, dead in the water. And that ocean, well, it never stops. The waves just keep coming at you. I know eventually I will move through what I will consider the hardest part, but not now. Not today, certainly not this year. Not likely I’ll ever really get to the point when I don’t cry thinking about it. Maybe one day I’ll stop seeing him in his chair dead. Maybe one day that day will stop playing in my head over and over again. But not today.
Today, or tonight rather, I shall put on my favorite Christmas movie and watch George C. Scott portray Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge, and be sad. Sad that I don’t get to hear my dad laugh again. Sad that I can’t hear him telling his grandkids to put stuff away or to come play. He’s not going to show me whatever cool thing he’s got going on in the barn. And I’m never going to be the same person I was when I was with him. Because only he could bring that out on me.
I used to cut his mustache. We would go outside on the back deck, weather permitting of course. It would take me nearly an hour to do his face, get the old man hairs out from his ears and his eyebrows and do some basic trimming on his hair. I would take a gummy before hand and we would listen to classic rock and laugh together. I will miss that.
And with life throwing more curve balls than I can hit I’m starting to unravel it feels like. I know Piper is worried about me but I wish she wouldn’t. I know life will go on and things will change, it’s inevitable. Life is change. But for now, I will do my best to just keep livin. It’s not like I can take days and be knocked out for many at a time. That’s not reality. Reality is going to sleep and not knowing if I will wake up at 2 or 3 and not be able to go back to sleep. Reality is getting up with heavy feet and go running. I’m still debating my running to honor him. I want to set up a certain distance, 6.9 km. Equals about the distance of running around the lake daily. I think I may do it. Or at least make the commitment to do it. But right now I’m still not able to commit to much of anything.
Getting married. He was awesome!
If you have read this far, dear reader, I do appreciate it. I’m not doing well right now but life changes frequently and so I know this is but a fragment of time in my life that I will be feeling like this. I know that his memory will be honored and that he won’t be easily forgotten by me, my sisters or my mom, or my community. He was kind of a big deal in the community. He was my hero. I think Kelsie said it best. He had a way of making you feel like you could do anything. Which is why my girls will be heading to school soon to train to become fire fighters and EMT’s. He would have been so damn proud. 🥲
And now I shall rest some. It’s been a long day that has been very loud. I’m going to braid my hair and head to bed. Good night~
So it’s seems with so much in my country going on, I thought it was time to join the 21st century and start my own podcast.
What? Why? Well to answer the what, yes. I think it’s time I try my hand at doing my own podcast. I have got the equipment now and I have the computer capability to do so. The why though. Well it’s a bit complicated but not really.
I write. I write about running and related things. Trail runs being my favorite. Then when I was hurt I decided to do writing prompts to help the quality of my writing. I have been slacking a lot on it. But that’s what I was thinking of doing it on. I have all these ideas for writing but I want to be able to get more in-depth with it. Have a conversation about it. And for the first time in my life the idea of having my voice silenced because of what I’m saying, meaning it could be offensive to the federal government, is so very wrong!
We have built our country foundation that it’s ok to speak your mind whether others agree or not. That the press have a right to print what they find and now it’s searching for truth. If you want to truth, follow the money trail. That’s who runs the country, the ones who buy everyone else’s loyalty. The NRA is a prime example. People would rather be ok with letting kids die than enforce the already existing laws because how dare someone want to take away their guns. No one is coming for your weapons. We just think you should have a background check for it. Wait three days. The whole shebang. And quite frankly if there is a weapon that the military uses, I don’t think it should be available for purchase by the general population. It’s designed for war and combat. Killing people. But that’s my thought on it.
The real thing is I am not going to be silenced. I was thinking of getting a few episodes done before I start uploading it. Not sure if the name but for now, a running hiatus is what I’ve come up with. I’m going to do a live recording that goes with it, but I’m not sure where to go from there. More learning is needed. Maybe a YouTube channel might be the way to go. We shall see.
That is all for now. What do you think, dear reader? Anyone interested in it? Even if not, I figure I can send it to my daughter who moved across the country so she can see me and talk to me that way. Who knows, there could be guests and such but that’s where I’m at with it. Thanks friends for your support. It’s appreciated.
My biggest issue lately has been getting out of bed. I have been exhausted so much that I don’t know if I’m coming or going. So much in life is going on.
However, my resolve to continue to use weights and run and do my leg exercises has not waned. Last week was killer. For no reason other than my heart is sad with missing my little one. She has moved to the other side of the country to try living with her dad for a spell. She’s not having the best time. And me, knowing that I can’t just run right out and grab her is sad because I know she’s sad. And homesick. And asked me why I let her do it. 😑🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️
So I slept a lot more than usual last week. This week, I have changed my attitude a bit and managed to get up and go out three of the four days so not great but not terrible. We did get a lot of pretty photos.
This morning
I upped the weights last week. And I upped how many reps I’m doing. I looked at my week off as a kind of reset for me. This week we were back at it. 10 pounds and 15 reps. Two sets was all that I do, but I feel like for now, I’m doing good. Focused on things that matter. Keeping my knee limber, taking the dog out daily for her walk/run, and doing my daily journaling. It’s a great way to start the day. At least when I get out of the shower, I feel amazing. Then the morning comes. And it’s a crap shoot for work but it’s life. Daily. For now.
There is much in the works for life right now. I am loving my journal time in the morning. Gets me thinking and starting the day with a smile is nice too. It beats the alternative of getting up and reading the news. That’s enough to make anyone sad and cry and angry and raging… I digress. Besides it’s quiet and there is no one else around and coffee is fresh. And I do love fresh coffee. Mmmmmm… After thinking in the morning, then I get to do my exercises and my leg exercises and I’m loving doing that. I start sweating pretty quickly. And then I get to go run. I like to go out just before sunrise and see all the animals. Today I saw three deer 🦌 and some cats 🐈⬛ and birds. Of course the dog and sometimes we see other animals. One week I saw a family of raccoons 🦝 and then two days later, I saw three more raccoons 🦝 at the neighbors house eating the cat food. They were so cute!
Anyhow, more coming in the works these days. With the right to speak your mind being taken I have decided to start a podcast. I’m not going to be silenced. Not sure what I will do it on, but I have some ideas. Most a running hiatus kind of thing but it could go further than that. Equipment should be here soon so there’s that. I’m thinking I’ll do four episodes before I start posting them. Give myself some time and see how it’s received with an audience. We shall see. Have a great day friends. It’s autumn 🍂
I was thinking about my running lately and the lack thereof. Also of my writing and the lack thereof as well. I have noticed that my leg is starting to not feel great and was sore a lot more than it had been. So I thought about it, and after watching a video on social media, where I don’t know, that had someone talking about not feeling like doing something like a run, it cut to a video of David Goggins saying “Fuck your feelings!!”. That gave me pause.
Big springs. The beaver was out checking his house
I have been saying that I wasn’t feeling it for a long time now, and seeing that made me realize that yeah, fuck my feelings. I needed that wake up call. I can’t say that since that time, all of a week, I have changed my life and mended my ways and now I am just killing it. Not quite.
I have saved tons of videos of abs moves I can do to help with the midsection as well as my back. I thought, I can add a few of those to my leg exercises. So I have. I thought I would start slow, so I’m only up to two sets of ten for each exercise, and I’m still pretty sore from the ab work, but, I put on pants today that were a little too tight two weeks ago. I can’t say that I’m seeing results already, but that would be nice. I did not however, go out for a run this morning with the dog. I got up later than I had planned. Which isn’t a big deal, it’s what it is.
Spider on dill plant
Working on my abs is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I thought for sure they wouldn’t hurt this bad for so long, and I keep forgetting that when you stop doing things, when you start them again, things are sore and hurt for a while. I tried to run on the treadmill this weekend for my run on Sunday, and that gave me shin splints. So, I decided to go to the pool and do laps instead, and that was lovely. The water was cool, but not cold and then I sat in the hot tub with a very nice couple from New Jersey. It was a very good morning for me.
I am less than a week from starting but I am loving how my body is responding to it. Now the hard part is not eating a ton of cookies before bed time. I will go with my golden milk instead, which is far more filling and a shit load better for me. Tumiric is an anti-inflammatory that is activated with black pepper, so those are in it, as well as ginger, cinnamon and cardamon. I love Cardamon. I use that in my coffee daily, take the bitterness out of it. Thomas taught me that 🥰
Sunset
I can say that I have taken some beautiful shots of the sunrise the last week.. Week, I say week, it’s been like 6 days. I’m a huge fan of the sunrise. I suppose it’s because I have been getting up early since forever and so I naturally just get up early. I would love to be retired and just sleep until the dog jumps on me to get up.. Which is around 6, but that’s sleeping in for sure. Of course, I am exhausted by the time 8 pm rolls around and want nothing more than to fall asleep, but that’s not the point. Might as well make the most of the time that I have when I am awake. I feel like I should get up when the alarm goes off.. at 4.30, but I tend to hit stop and then the alarm goes off at 4.42 and then I get up.. I need to be up earlier to ensure I get the run in. That’s the favorite part of the day. It’s still summer out so doing an evening run with the dog isn’t going to be a thing for a few months.
Being retired. I want to be retired. I want to sleep in, and drink coffee slowly while sitting on the porch swinging and watching the birds come and go, watching the squirrels come and go. Watch the sun come up and feel the warmth of the rays as they wash over me. Take a deep breath, and close my eyes and just relax. It’s all good. Moving slow and stretching and then running. How far depends on what day it is, or if I’m training for a race (which would indicated how far on what days, so that’s a redundant statement, but I’m going to leave it in, for the fun of it). Finishing the run and then stretching again, maybe spoiling myself with an ice cold hard cider afterwards. It’s apple juice, right? Sure helps with the poo. Can’t be that bad then 😉😁
Crow flying
I haven’t made any goals since deciding to do this again. I mean I want to lose weight but I feel like that goes without saying. I have simply looked at the things I am doing and trying to do better. Be determined to finish something. Like making curtains for the van.. Or finishing Kelsie’s skirt. Or anything else that I have started and never finished. I saw a documentary yesterday called The Shoemakers Dreams.. Loved that!! Any movie about shoes is all for me. I love shoes, wish they were more comfortable to wear though. This man, the one the show was about, invented the wedge heel. Genius if you ask me!! In it, he said, stay determined, no matter how much you want to quit. That kind of struck me as well… So fuck my feelings and stay determined. Guess that is how I will accomplish my desire, don’t stop until I’m done. I want to get to a comfortable size 8 in pants.. Not sure what the circumference of those would be, but, that’s where I would like to be. I want to have a fit looking body, but not just fit looking, actually fit. I added weights to my routine to help with this.
Nothing fancy, I’m using a 5 pound weight and doing simple moves with them, but, they are effective. They will go up in size as the time goes by, but, for now, it’s where I am.
I’m sure there are deer in there… somewhere
A week later:
I have still been doing my stuff. I’m actually kind of excited about it. I want to move up to 8 pound weights. I only have 10. Looks like tomorrow we will be doing 10 pounds for the weights.
I have twice felt like eating red vines for a snack and went for grapes instead. Eating salsa like it going out of style. I can’t help it. It’s fresh weekly at my house. Plus it keeps me pooping regular. 😁💩
I was bad and had drinks this weekend. Last night beer. A Kilt Lifter. The night before rum. Why? Well. Yesterday Little Gotro was driving so I had a beer. I don’t usually do those ones either, I like my hard ciders. But I wanted something on tap. The night before I had a rough day. I knew something small was going to set me off and then something did. And I knew I would milk it and let it piss me off and I did. So I had some rum and pineapple soaked in coconut water. So damn good. Then some rum and strawberries. Again. So good!! Am I angry with myself for not having a good food day? No. It’s not the end of the world. I might drink this coming weekend too but that because my little goose is leaving again. Let’s not talk about that one.
High Mountain Half race.. yesterday morning
How is the weights doing for me so far? Well, dear reader I am pleased to say that my pants are fitting better. In fact, I’ve been able to wear a size ten pants twice this week and not feeling like they are too tight. Work in progress is the best I got for you.
Will keep you posted on the weights thing. I think I could be onto something. Fuck my feeling indeed. Just do it.
Today I get to go take a little trip to Flagstaff to go see a doctor. Let’s rewind a bit so you can see how I got to this point.
On Christmas Eve last year, I started to get sick. The next evening I was dying. I had a hard time focusing enough to get through dinner and my biggest worry was I hope I don’t get everyone else sick too. It got bad enough that after two weeks of feeling super shitty, I went to urgent care. Two ear infections and bronchitis. She said if the wheezing didn’t stop to come back and see her. I didn’t. Instead I waited four months to go see my PCP.
Now my PCP is currently on deployment in a place near the equator. I can’t spell it. I write to him once a month because he’s also a friend that I work with and deployment is long and tiring… I need to reply to his email… anyhow I’m seeing the clinic CMO or Chief Medical Officer. He calls me about a week or so before my appointment and wants me to do a chest CT and a pulmonary function test (PFT). I was able to get to chest CT done before my appointment. And labs done but that’s nothing exciting to hear about, because my labs say I’m super healthy. Yay. Took another week before I could get my PFT done. Once he got that information I got called back to his office to have him talk about the results. And the results say I have asthma and shitty lungs. He sending me to a specialist, a pulmonologist.
Sunrise
I don’t claim to know much of what I hear when talking to the RNs and our NP about medical conditions and things of that nature. I didn’t go into medicine, I went into massage. We didn’t go over didn’t diseases and things to help them. All I could get from them is I should be on some kind of daily treatment plan to help mitigate my problems. So far I’ve been using a thing with my inhaler before I go run. Seems to help a great deal. The appointment today is supposed to help clear up some confusion. My confusion. Like are the results of these tests so bad I need to see a specialist? Dear me.
I have zero idea what to expect but I suspect it’ll be far less invasive than going to the OB/gyn. Hooray for small miracles. I do know that my appointment will take at least an hour. I don’t know what they will do or things they will want to know about. Likely they will want to know that I use medical marijuana and have for I don’t know, the last 20 years. I’ve had an Rx for it to be clear. Yes. The whole time. Except when I lived in Louisiana and before it became legal in Arizona. Might be a good time to stop smoking but it’s the fastest relief to much of my anxiety and I don’t like having to wait for medication to kick in. We shall see. She will likely also want to know that I sit on the back smoke deck while everyone else smokes cigarettes. Ewww. I’m good without those. But I admit I do take a drag every so often. Super stress calls for it from time to time. And years go by between.
Morning yesterday
I have asked myself if I’m nervous about seeing the doctor today. Yes is my answer. I am nervous about it. I just lost two uncles to cancer, both of them served on active duty onboard ships in the 60s. Uncle Kenny was on the Bonham Richard (CV something). Watching the LHD with the same name go up in smoke just gutted him. It’s the name you see. It gutted me and I cried when I saw that ship go up in smoke. It’s the same platform as the Boxer. The last time I did an appointment with comp & pen I discovered I have a warning label on my medical record stating that I have been highly exposed to asbestos and I’m at a much higher risk with lung issues. This is what worries me. Mesothelioma is what scares me. That and them finding out there really was something on the ship that was giving everyone in berthing serious migraines.
4 deer 🦌 yesterday morning
Without having ever been to a specialist I have no idea what finding they will have. At 45 the last thing I want to add to my problem list is COPD. As a runner the last thing I need to deal with is lungs that won’t let me run. I already have enough issues with my left leg the last three years I don’t need something else to sideline my running. 🏃🏻♀️
There were danger ducks in there
Until this afternoon, I’m at the mercy of someone else and their knowledge. But, I get to go to Flagstaff. And Savers is a having a 30% off sale starting today and they have Greek food there! Hooray!! Not sure if I can eat there but I’m hoping. And I get to spend the day with my handsome love so that’s nice too.
For now, I’ll take the dog for a little run. She and I both need it. I’ll put some salve on my knee and stretch a little and go to the lake and back. It’ll be nice. I love mornings!
Stay tuned for the next chapter in medical life…. 😉❤️
Since my most recent injury, the knee, I have learned that when it comes to things, stretching may be the thing that I need. Ugh!!
Welcome Spring
As a runner, I know that stretching after a run feels amazing. A good long run, a long stretch session, hot shower and I feel like a million bucks! I know that I should stretch before running too. Therein lies the problem. I like to run in the morning. Before work which I have to be there by 7. So in order for me to get up on time and get a good run in, I have to be up and out the door before 5-515 depending on the distance. This means for me to be up and ready to get out the door I have to be up and moving by 4.30. And I can totally do that. I’m so down for that. But then, adding in the injury to the equation is where I’m having the problem. I have to now be up and stretching actively by 4.15. And for me I don’t get dressed to do my stretches in the morning so one would think that it would go faster. It doesn’t.
This morning, I had my alarm go off at 4.15. It does this daily. And then at 4.30 my phone wakes up. And then at 4.42 the alarm goes off again to get me out of bed. And then, as a last one, the alarm goes off at 5.15. If I haven’t gotten out of bed by then, it’s when I will get up. I don’t quite understand the issue I’m having these days. I want to go out and do more miles but something inside me is keeping me from it and I am not liking this. Stupid knee!
Spring has sprung – Saturday
The worst part isn’t that I don’t get up, it’s that my beautiful girl thinks I hate her and I don’t want to take her out anymore. And that couldn’t end further from the truth. But she’s not always up for going out and doing the run that I want to do. I keep thinking I’ll find a solution but I have yet to come up with one. In my mind I keep thinking I’ll get up and take the dog for a nice walk. She’s not up for a lot of running these days but we can swing two miles in the morning. And then when I get home from work, change, stretch and then do my long runs. In my mind this works perfectly. If it wasn’t for all the things that have to get done when I get home. Like putting the clothes away, doing my language lesson, writing once in a while, check spelling, make sure the kids are safe while playing and do anything that Thomas might need help with. Then dinner, dishes, and take five minutes for myself.
Sundays walk with the dog
I feel like these are all excuses but for me it’s not an excuse. I know that the time I have in the morning is likely the only time I will have for myself all day. And I know that my relationship with time needs some work (stupid ADHD), but it feels like there is t enough time to get it all done, every day. I miss so many things and I miss the sunrise. I will work on this week and check back in. Who knows, maybe something wonderful will happen and I can manage my time much better with less worry.
Buried under inches of snow the day before
Alright… time to start the day…
Sunday before the walk… looks like a spider died on my head 🕷️
That’s a good question today. I guess it would depend on what we are talking about. Do I want to take risks with my family/ job/ relationships, not really. Do I want to take risks when it comes to doing things in life, well, that’s where I would say yes, I would rather take the risk.
Let me explain. I am a creature of habit. I have a routine that I do when I get up and I love it. I love to have my coffee while no one is talking to me, at least not for the first cup of it. I love to run in the mornings, though I have been terrible about getting out again. I love to do the same kind of things that feel comfortable. However, the only way to grow in life is to take some chances and risk things. Big rewards often come with big risks. Sometimes, those risks don’t always pan out like we hope for the results are the bad part of the risk. That downfall of Rome.. We seem to be seeing that more and more these days, but I digress. I can’t say that I feel like I have taken chances, but, when I look at what I have done in life, it seems I took more chances than I thought.
My first big risk was to join the military, the US Navy. That was a really big one. I made it through four and a half years serving on active duty before I was done. I wanted to stay longer, but I couldn’t. I had taken a big risk and lost it all. Had it not worked out like that, not sure where I would be today, certainly not where I am right now. I loved being on a ship and I love being on the ocean. I miss it. I miss the feel of the ocean under me, rocking me to sleep. I miss the smell of the ocean. I was on the water for more time of my service than I was on land. It was a big risk, but an even bigger loss. And it took a long time to work through it because to be honest, I never really got over it. (Side note: I truly believe that we don’t ‘get over’ things. I believe that we work through them and the pain of whatever it is, just dulls. It doesn’t go away, and you eventually are able to talk about it without getting upset, whatever it is you’re going through, but, you don’t ‘get over it.’)
I have put money into the stock market, and my TSP account is in the stock market, but while it’s crashing right now, I am not upset about it. I see that it will go back up and I will get it all back in tenfold. Is it upsetting to see it, yes. I hate to see people lose money. Unless it’s Elon Musk, he can fuck off back to South Africa. He can lose billions and I’m ok with that. Fascist prick! Sorry, where was I, oh yes, the stock market. I have tried to buy stocks on my own and I have lost a lot of money that I thought I was going to get back. So there was a time that the risk didn’t work out.
Recently, I have been given information that one of the risks I have taken, and it’s as a whole with the company that I own, the reward will outweigh the risk. I am able to get another year to work on this and I couldn’t be more excited. What is it, you ask? I can’t talk about it right now, but I will be talking about it in a later entry.. Just not today.
I would rather take the risk than not. There are times when it’s been good outcomes and there are lots of times when it was a bad outcome. Either way, I would rather try and fail, than live knowing I could have tried to do something. You only regret the miles that you don’t run. Even on the bad runs, I would take those over not running any day. The risk does not outweigh the reward. The reward is a clear mind and a healthy body. Those are never going out of style.
So, with that in mind, I will be going back to morning runs. With the dog. Hopefully she will be ok with doing runs, I’m thinking no more than like, three miles with the dog. She’s getting bored with our usual route so maybe that will help if I change it up a bit.
The running hiatus is over but the writing part is not. I will still be doing the writing prompts because I truly enjoy the thought that goes into it, even if proofreading and grammar aren’t going to be on point with them. So so long sleeping in, it’s time to move again 😁
There are days when the sun shines brightly, the birds chirp happily, and the dew on the roses is picture perfect. These days are almost spiritual in nature and all seems to fall into place. Your heart rate, your pace, the way you breath and the muscles in your legs make you feel like a well oiled piston in moving perfection. Truth be told, most mornings aren’t like this.
There is this legend among runners of something so mysterious and legendary, some go their entire runnings lives and never have it happen to them. It’s called runner’s high. It is elusive and hard to explain to those who have never had it happen. A good way to describe it I guess would be a reference to Harry Potter. The feeling of the good luck serum. Like you are invincible and everything is burgeoning with life. I would have to say that I don’t feel this on a regular basis. It’s more like an transient few hour or so of being high on life.
For me, this isn’t something that I experience often, but, when I do, it’s glorious. It feels like knowing everything and not knowing anything at the same time. Your thoughts are scattered yet in perfect synchronicity with nature. It’s unlike most natural feelings you can understand. Again, the best way to describe such a phenomena is holy.
The sad truth is that I only get this every once in a while. It’s not an everyday thing. Not even close. Though, on a good day I feel like a million bucks just after I get out of the shower. I can feel my body lighting up and I feel as if I am in control, if even for just a moment.
10NOV2024
Wow, that’s so very poetic.. I do like how I write, so I guess going with the next one in the book of prompts is going to help me get back to those kinds of whimsical feelings of five years ago.. But let’s take a little inventory of where were we five years ago.
We were still in the days before Covid-19.. If you can remember back that far as it seems 2020 was really 10 years ago. Thomas was driving for Copperstate, my grandmother was still alive… So were a few others that are now gone. I was still talking to Hanna, who I was thinking about this morning. It’s been almost two years exactly since I last heard from her… My heart broke when she and I stopped talking. Like broke broke. Piper was in Jr. High, and Silas wasn’t even a thought yet. Close, but not quite. I was working at the bank. I miss the people I worked with, but, I don’t miss feeling like it was too much all the time. I was a Jr. Banker at the time. It’s so weird to think of how far I have come since that time. Even to think about how far we have come as a group is quite interesting.
Anyhow, I wanted to start back with going through old thoughts and just getting them out there again. This one was hard to follow. The last time I felt that runner’s high, Kelsie and I were doing a 10K, we had just hit three miles and I felt amazing! Both of it did in fact. It was just about a month before I got hurt.
Surgery was a little more than a week ago, and so far I’m able to bear a little weight on it to walk. I’m supposed to start PT this week, but I will have to get onto the website to find out when.. I hate that I deleted the emails that had the appointments for the first three visits in them. UGH!! Not to mention I can’t even find my phone right now, it’s not like I could do much even if I wanted to… hmmm… Hold Please… Never mind, I got it now… good thing I have my photos on the computer.
That’s all for now friends, have a great day, night friends 😎🤩❤️
Ok… Firstly, I looked through my book of prompts today and couldn’t find anything that I really wanted to do, and then I remembered me trying to stay committed to something I said I was going to do.. Unlike everything else I have tried and never finished.
10November 2035
It’s getting to be that time of year when I like to run when the sun is about to come up and there about that time.. I love the smell of the fireplaces with a little bit of the smoke hanging in the air. It’s been cold the last couple of weeks, which is normal. I took off this morning for the run just thinking I was going to do a nice easy five miles. That was not the case.
As it turned out I did 8 miles and it was such a beautiful sunrise! Along the way I was able to focus on life and I started to do a trip down memory lane. I started going back to the time when I was able to retire. I thought about how once we were able to sell the idea and the system, we were able to buy the house and land where we are now, but I was able to retire and take a nice little vacation. That vacation was amazing and that’s when we bought the van. We had actually bought the van and then took the train out to pick it up and then we were able to just go have an adventure together.
It’s weird to think about how much fun we have had in that VW van since then, as well as how many miles we have put on it. We have gone so many places, see the ocean a bunch of times, been to many different parks and got to do so many things together. I love that we have this place that we can always come back to. Where the kids are so close and I don’t have to wonder if they are doing alright because I get to see them all the time. It makes my heart so happy to be able to have that for the family. We have good days and we have bad days but it’s all good. I wouldn’t want to be with any other group of people than then ones that I am around all the time.
We have got to see Ella graduate from high school, Piper and Kelsie graduate from College, I got another degree and my masters, Thomas got his masters, it’s been a good thing that everyone of them have been able to further their lives by getting more education. As I kept running today, I thought about how wonderful it is to see Silas do so well in school as well as choosing to play an instrument and not only that, but he’s so good at it. He’s got dedication that’s for sure. I admire it and strive to be as dedicated and committed to playing my violin and trumpet as much as he does.. Have to lead by example. And with both of us in the symphony, it’s such a fun way to be able to do something with him.
Without a doubt, the best part of today was the nap after getting back from the run. I have really loved getting up early to stretch before going out and it’s such a huge help, but getting to do it in a meditative state afterwards, makes me feel so damn good. Then the shower and food and coffee and snuggles from Thomas make the day start off so well that the nap that comes around noon is so incredibly delicious.
Anyhow, dinner tonight is with the kids, salad and baked potatoes. Simple, delicious. Followed of course by something super sweet, strawberries and blueberries. Time to get papa up, he’s so cute when he’s sleeping 😎❤️😁
The Morning High Runner 