Three Weeks Post Death

It’s inevitable. We all die. No one gets out of this life alive. My dad used to make jokes about it like, when I die I want to go like my grandfather; peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car. Or another thing he used to say was everyone is dying to get to the cemetery. Stupid jokes of course but they used to make me laugh.

There has been such an outpouring of love and support from everyone. All over the country, all over the state and even from the Pacific Ocean… that would be my little sister who was on deployment. He work led as a fire fighter for more than 20 years. All of them from the time I was in high school on. In fact he didn’t go full time at the department until it became a full time opportunity. Before that, they had a day crew and then volunteers for nights and weekends. I used to go to the station and watch Bevis and Butthead with him because we don’t have MTV at home. And I was told no I couldn’t watch it at home.

I try to see that death isn’t the end of life, it’s just another stage of it. I’m not worried about his soul, I’ll leave that to others, I just know that he’s ok. He’s safe and now he gets to be part of my life only in my memories. I’ve listened to his voicemail a few times and watched old videos of him and the kids just to hear his voice. To hear him laugh again. He always had a smile on his face and when he walked into a room he lit it up with his endless energy.

Of course as his child I knew him differently than coworkers. Growing up he was out of town a lot working. That started about the time I turned 7 or so and lasted until the year or two following my high school graduation. Not always out of town but working for the state took him to a lot of places. He worked in Prescott while we lived in Kingman, and then once my mom’s job took us to Pinetop, it took a month or two before he could get transferred to their Show Low office. I still drive by it and think of him being there. He worked as natural resource department clearing trees and other bits of shrubbery from the shoulder of the road. It was after this particular job with the state that he got on with the fire department full time. And boy did he love that!

Personally, I’m not a blood and guts kind of kid. I don’t want to see things coming out of your body that is supposed to be safely inside the body. So I know my calling isn’t the same as his, but he had so much fun with it. Yes, there will be calls that I remember him being on and the way it took a toll on his mind and his heart. He said the first day he ever worked after getting his EMT license was a suicide that didn’t work. After many years of seeing that exact kind of call he would say they should offer a class called suicide: doing it right the first time. Yes, terrible I know but anyone who I’ve met since then who has worked as an ER person or EMT/ Paramedic, they will agree. It’s gut wrenching to see that so many try and fail and in that process alter the trajectory of their whole life. Good bad or otherwise. And just to be clear, suicide isn’t something to joke about but you have to make light of it or the job will put you in therapy for life. There were countless car collisions that he cleaned up dead bodies off the road and that would gut him completely. It takes a special kind to do this job. And I’ve only known a two that I grew up with who have taken on that job as well.

In trying to cope with it, I’ve gone back to work (as if I could just not go 😑) it’s good to have something to take my mind off of the obvious. I have a great support system who is working with me to help me with anything I need. I am grateful for my coworkers, they are pretty amazing.

Few days later…

Was driving around town doing stuff and things hanging out with the kids. There was a truck that pulls up to us, we’re driving the same speed and he pulls ahead and I look over and see the load of wood. Do you ever know when it’s the last time you do something like that with them? Like I never knew it would be the last time to hug my dad when I did. I’ll never be able to go get a cord of wood with him either. What hurts is the not knowing it was going to be the last time I got to hug him. It was the last time I got to say I love you daddy. And yes. I still called him daddy. When I wasn’t calling him Kelly. There are no more birthday party with my mom. No more Christmas seasons we take a full day to have his birthday. No more laughs. Fuck!! This fucking sucks!

I don’t know how my sisters are handling this. I know that I have to keep going and I have to keep doing my thing. Keep working. Keep living. Just keep livin. I imagine everyone who has lost their father, or people who have a close relationship with their fathers, all go through this. That feeling like your compass star has disappeared, like your lost on the ocean, dead in the water. And that ocean, well, it never stops. The waves just keep coming at you. I know eventually I will move through what I will consider the hardest part, but not now. Not today, certainly not this year. Not likely I’ll ever really get to the point when I don’t cry thinking about it. Maybe one day I’ll stop seeing him in his chair dead. Maybe one day that day will stop playing in my head over and over again. But not today.

Today, or tonight rather, I shall put on my favorite Christmas movie and watch George C. Scott portray Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge, and be sad. Sad that I don’t get to hear my dad laugh again. Sad that I can’t hear him telling his grandkids to put stuff away or to come play. He’s not going to show me whatever cool thing he’s got going on in the barn. And I’m never going to be the same person I was when I was with him. Because only he could bring that out on me.

I used to cut his mustache. We would go outside on the back deck, weather permitting of course. It would take me nearly an hour to do his face, get the old man hairs out from his ears and his eyebrows and do some basic trimming on his hair. I would take a gummy before hand and we would listen to classic rock and laugh together. I will miss that.

And with life throwing more curve balls than I can hit I’m starting to unravel it feels like. I know Piper is worried about me but I wish she wouldn’t. I know life will go on and things will change, it’s inevitable. Life is change. But for now, I will do my best to just keep livin. It’s not like I can take days and be knocked out for many at a time. That’s not reality. Reality is going to sleep and not knowing if I will wake up at 2 or 3 and not be able to go back to sleep. Reality is getting up with heavy feet and go running. I’m still debating my running to honor him. I want to set up a certain distance, 6.9 km. Equals about the distance of running around the lake daily. I think I may do it. Or at least make the commitment to do it. But right now I’m still not able to commit to much of anything.

If you have read this far, dear reader, I do appreciate it. I’m not doing well right now but life changes frequently and so I know this is but a fragment of time in my life that I will be feeling like this. I know that his memory will be honored and that he won’t be easily forgotten by me, my sisters or my mom, or my community. He was kind of a big deal in the community. He was my hero. I think Kelsie said it best. He had a way of making you feel like you could do anything. Which is why my girls will be heading to school soon to train to become fire fighters and EMT’s. He would have been so damn proud. 🥲

And now I shall rest some. It’s been a long day that has been very loud. I’m going to braid my hair and head to bed. Good night~

Morning Stretching

Since my most recent injury, the knee, I have learned that when it comes to things, stretching may be the thing that I need. Ugh!!

As a runner, I know that stretching after a run feels amazing. A good long run, a long stretch session, hot shower and I feel like a million bucks! I know that I should stretch before running too. Therein lies the problem. I like to run in the morning. Before work which I have to be there by 7. So in order for me to get up on time and get a good run in, I have to be up and out the door before 5-515 depending on the distance. This means for me to be up and ready to get out the door I have to be up and moving by 4.30. And I can totally do that. I’m so down for that. But then, adding in the injury to the equation is where I’m having the problem. I have to now be up and stretching actively by 4.15. And for me I don’t get dressed to do my stretches in the morning so one would think that it would go faster. It doesn’t.

This morning, I had my alarm go off at 4.15. It does this daily. And then at 4.30 my phone wakes up. And then at 4.42 the alarm goes off again to get me out of bed. And then, as a last one, the alarm goes off at 5.15. If I haven’t gotten out of bed by then, it’s when I will get up. I don’t quite understand the issue I’m having these days. I want to go out and do more miles but something inside me is keeping me from it and I am not liking this. Stupid knee!

The worst part isn’t that I don’t get up, it’s that my beautiful girl thinks I hate her and I don’t want to take her out anymore. And that couldn’t end further from the truth. But she’s not always up for going out and doing the run that I want to do. I keep thinking I’ll find a solution but I have yet to come up with one. In my mind I keep thinking I’ll get up and take the dog for a nice walk. She’s not up for a lot of running these days but we can swing two miles in the morning. And then when I get home from work, change, stretch and then do my long runs. In my mind this works perfectly. If it wasn’t for all the things that have to get done when I get home. Like putting the clothes away, doing my language lesson, writing once in a while, check spelling, make sure the kids are safe while playing and do anything that Thomas might need help with. Then dinner, dishes, and take five minutes for myself.

I feel like these are all excuses but for me it’s not an excuse. I know that the time I have in the morning is likely the only time I will have for myself all day. And I know that my relationship with time needs some work (stupid ADHD), but it feels like there is t enough time to get it all done, every day. I miss so many things and I miss the sunrise. I will work on this week and check back in. Who knows, maybe something wonderful will happen and I can manage my time much better with less worry.

Buried under inches of snow the day before

Alright… time to start the day…

Sunday before the walk… looks like a spider died on my head 🕷️

A Hard Truth

I have a confession to make dear reader. I have gone through the whole of my life thinking I was concerned about others and taking care of those around me. But when shown the other perspective, I realized I am not the woman I thought I was.

In my mind, I am thoughtful and do nice things for others. In my mind I give my family what they need and do so without asking anything. In my mind, I’m pretty cool. However, I had my behavior pattern pointed out to me. I am not the things I think I am. There is no “goes without saying” because it somehow slipped my mind that no one can read my mind. I hate these hard truths about myself. But at the same time, it gives me a new way to see the person that I am.

Personally, I wish I could blame it all on my changing female body and the hormonal changes that come with getting older. I’m not a spring chicken anymore, so I know my body is doing the weirdest shit possible. I can see that I do all the good things for myself, drink water, move my body regularly, not binge eat Harbro gummy bears when I want to because they are there and delicious. And yet. Somehow I feel like my body is slowing down and telling me that I am getting older.

I wish I could lie to myself and say it’s because I’m stressed out. We are all stressed. This is more than it’s just stress. This is me not taking a good look at me and seeing what my best friend, my partner sees in me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a sign of an ending to us. No. Quite the contrary in fact. I am not objective when I look at me. I want to think I’m some kind of modern, everyday, run of the mill, small town person. I like to think of myself as being pretty but not too beautiful because to be beautiful is to be vain. And I think I’m fucking awesome at being alive but don’t want to be too prideful. Insert the soliloquy of America Ferrera in the movie Barbie. Wow. Well done sister!

I have come to see myself in a different way. I’m slower, easier to anger, and faster to forget. I put in a lot of lip service and I don’t mean it. I was asked recently, that if it came down to my parents and sisters or my husband and his daughter, I would chose my sisters. And it’s stuck with me since then. I was thinking about it at work too. And it makes me wonder.

I feel like this needs to be said. I have presented like that for a long time. It was in little things. Such as the photos on my Lock Screen. Now I open it just to see the photos. I have loved writing and yet I have never written to advocate for our girls. There is so much that I have left undone (I feel an underlying theme here lately 😑👎🏻).

Since then, and when I say then I’m referring to when I started this one in November.. November 15 to be exact, I have began taking a low dose of estrogen. I started looking at people in life for who they are, not just who they are to me. That one is a hard one. I have put a lot more thought into making my relationships better. Showing affection and using a softer voice. That’s not an easy one either. Stayed off my phone more with the kids over and played with legos and cars and Buzz Lightyear. I am being an active part of my life again and running again (except for today when the Yolandi was very clear that she wanted to go home. And I know from previous days like this, that she will ensure we go back with her way because that is her way!). I find joy in my everyday life and I’m so grateful for it all.

Action needs to be a dominant force. Action needs to be my new word. Am I setting a resolution? No. I want to look at it like it doesn’t have to be a lot of progress. Just forward progress. Forward with the business. Forward with writing. Forward with a podcast. Just forward.

I feel like forward action is the theme I am going to be embracing now. Forward action to get further this year than last.

I have been running again. Not too far or anything but I’m going to finish my 1024km challenge this year. I have forgotten that it will make me sore in parts that haven’t been that sore for a while. It’s almost like starting over but I already know what to expect so there isn’t any guesswork. I had to loosen the dog’s harness yesterday after our run because she just wasn’t in it at all. I’m going to be adding miles this coming week. I haven’t done the loop in so very long it’s time I see it again. And early will be better as the ground is frozen and I can get away with being in the mud on the side of the road. I’m looking forward to running this year. I don’t have any goals for it, but I’m taking it easy this month and will be upping miles a great deal next month. If I can hit about three miles a day, that will give me a good deal of miles. But I’m wanting to get better times too so I’ll be doing work at home too. Like stretching and strength training. Oh it’ll be amazing!!

Anyhow, dear reader, if you got this far I thank you. I have wandered off topic a bit but I’m getting there again. I have a lot of work to do on myself. And today is the first day of the rest of my life. Unless it’s the last day of course. Happy Friday to you all. Let’s go have an adventure. 😎❤️

I’ve Been Meaning to Write| Part II

So, this is now the second installment of I’ve been meaning to write. If you recall, the first one was last year around this time. I was describing how I recently had my brother-in-law pass. Then, 6 weeks later, his sister died as well. But, I hadn’t talked to him in a really long time. And I had been meaning to write, I just hadn’t. The same was true about Bill when he passed in March of last year. The same was true when David Wayne died. And the same was true of Ed when he passed two years before. I had been meaning to write to say hello and that I thought of them, and hoped that they were well, and life was happy. That’s all I wish for my friends, I want them to be happy. But life happens and days turn into weeks into months into years and before I knew it they were gone. I couldn’t say anything to them any more. Anyhow, you get the idea.

In doing massage for the years I did, I was able to meet many people who have come and gone in my life. I have loved them as friends.. and when I say friends, I mean like the ones that you love and want to keep company with them when they are sad, and make hot cocoa for when their soul needs love.. Sometimes it’s ok to add some amaretto if you like. Or other spirits if you and they are so inclined. I have been able to spend a lot of time with them and it was my great honor to get to be apart of their lives. I hoped that they all knew how much I have valued them all.

One in particular was Ms. Sharon. She was older than me, in her 70’s when I met her 8 or 9 years ago. I think it could be longer than that actually, more like 12 years ago… Oh my. Anyhow, I would still see her after I started working at the bank, and I only stopped seeing her in the last two and half years. I would say about 6 months after I began working at the VA, I got a message from my friend that I worked with at the bank, that asked me to call Ms. Sharon. I kept thinking about calling her after it was time to go to bed, always around 9 pm. In my own opinion, it’s rude to call after certain times and before certain times, 9 at night and 8 in the morning. Or I would think about it when it was Sunday around 11 am. When she was in church. And then a few weeks went by and I started to feel bad that I hadn’t called her and then weeks turned into years. I really adored her. I got a message Saturday from her son that she had passed that week. In so many ways, she was an amazing friend. And I hadn’t called. But I really did mean to call her. For a long time I felt like I could say she was one of my best friends. I listened a lot to her talk about her kids and her life and her job and things that made her angry and how much she loved her kids and grandkids. She was a joy to me. I often thought of asking for her mailing address so I could write letters, and I never did.

In recent years, I have lost friends and I’m hurt that they ghosted me. And I did just that to a woman I loved a great deal. I thought how much I have wondered why they wouldn’t call when I couldn’t do the same for her. And I did it to all of those who I lost in recent years, including my grandmother, whose been gone nearly four years now. I have the power to do things and I spend my time sitting on my phone, not doing anything worth writing about.

And that is the point I guess. I have wasted so much time just doing nothing. And what’s really funny, if I think about it, I could have done so much with that wasted time. Oh the what if’s. All of the should have’s. I should have said something. I should have taken action and done something. A call, a letter, a word of encouragement that I should have been given. So many of those should haves. And not nearly enough of the calls to them to say hello. In moments like this, I like to think of what runners like to say. You only regret the miles you didn’t run. You only regret the things you didn’t say to them when they were alive. The I love you for being you. I’m so grateful for your friendship. I have learned so much from you. I think that I have a good many people that I need to say that to now.

I want a new care bear. I still have Friendship Bear

For the ones that have passed, there is nothing I can do for them. I can write letters to them that will never go any further than the fire that they are burned in. I can talk to them in my dreams if I’m lucky. I can talk to them while I run, but it’s never going to be good enough. I am certainly going think about all the things that will now always remain unsaid. Hopefully I won’t be making the same mistake with the other people in my life that mean anything to me.

The next day is never promised to any of us. It’s all just a guessing game of when it’s time to be done. Unless you have been given some kind of date of death, we are all just left guessing is this the day that I will leave and have a celestial passing. And at that point no one knows what the other side will be like. There is only the sadness from our regret of the things left unsaid and the times that we could have done something and should have, and didn’t.

I am not the artist. I don’t know who it is but it’s pretty

I will miss Ms. Sharon something fierce. She was such an astonishing woman. She was beautiful and survived a lot of things in life. She was a bit abrasive when you didn’t know her, but she was kind and thoughtful and generous. She loved her family so very much and was so proud of all of her kids and grandkids. I am so sad that I will never again be able to hear her voice and talk to her. I won’t be able to hug her. Maybe this year I can do something worthy of those who have passed to honor them by making sure that the people that I care about know that I do. I will have to figure out a plan on it, but I think this is a good place start for the year. For it is the year of the Dragon. The Wood Dragon in fact. I looked it up and as a Goat in that particular sign, it’s looking like it could be a rough go. I will just have to work my ass off… In fact it said that I will need to work harder this year than last too. And that there will be some ups and downs, and some good and some bad, but fear not, good things on the horizon. Also discovered that my husband and I are not compatible signs. Said that we will just need to work a little harder at it than other signs that may be together. Oh what a ride. … 😳🫣😎😎😎🤩🤩🤩

Which brings me to my last point, dear reader. I hope that your year didn’t start off with messages like that. It’s never fun beginning the year with a funeral. I hope that if you do lose loved ones this year, and really for all years, I hope that you were able to say I love you. For all of the lonely veterans that I talk to, for all of the lonely people I have talked to, I am truly sorry for my behavior. I knew that a call would always be something nice and I didn’t do it. I am going to work on doing better, I hope that you will learn from my mistakes, and tell the people that mean something to you that they do. We could all use more love in our lives. 💕❤️❤️

Anyhow, that’s all for today. I was given the idea of doing a podcast. My friend Sara said that I should do it. I have looked it up, and the equipment is where I’m not so sure where to begin. Well, that I’m not so great with editing. What would I talk about, who would I interview if at all? I was thinking about a mashup kind of thing. Maybe do something like a writing prompt i.e. what was you fondest memory of your childhood best friend and go with that.. Hmmm.. well, here I go with that one. Another idea. I still need to revise the book again and then get it out to people. Oh to publish.. What a dream come true that would be! To be heard by people who want to hear my opinion on whatever and listen to cool music. You never know what kind of a mood I’m in. Could do a once a week kind of thing.. hmmm… lots of thoughts on it.. Not much action on it so who knows. Action. That’s the name for this year. Action and actually do it. I think it’s time to stop half passing my life and put effort into the things I do. Might be a good idea. Let’s start putting ourselves into our work and working hard at it and putting effort into it. Not going through the motions to get by until tomorrow. It’s time… Good night 😎

42

I am struggling. Like big time! And while I know that I will come out of it and will be alright, things have always had a way of working out for me, it doesn’t make it any easier. It seems I have started a whole lot of stories that I wanted to share with you, dear reader, but, have not finished any of them. Twelve to be exact; That’s how many drafts of thoughts I have sitting in the hole that is my head right now.

Of the many drafts I have, there was one that was missing. It was the one that I really wanted to share with the world, and instead, got frustrated with the computer for not saving more than half of it and then just deleted it. Being open to the public is something that I crave because as the middle child I want people to see me and notice that I’m here. Yes, I have issues with my birth order and family, but, honestly, what family isn’t dysfunctional? My problem with putting myself out there for others to see is, what if they see it? I know, it’s a conundrum for sure, but, I also know that my dreams in life are sitting on the other side of that fear. I admit that I don’t like confrontation, so I won’t openly engage with nay-sayers online. I will back down if we are face to face as well, because I have a hard time standing up for myself, and those I love. Though, in recent years, I have tried a lot harder at doing just that. I’m not the best at it, but, I am a work in progress.

To help me through this time in life, I am once again turning my attention to running and writing. While my other passions are still going full force, massage and music, have taken a back burner for the time being.. They are there, just simmering right now. That being said, a while ago, in one of the running groups I’m in, the moderator asked me, what does running mean to you? In life? As a sport? I gave some response that was short, but, the more I thought about this, the more that I realized that running has been a huge part of my life for as long as I can remember. In some form or other, it’s been there, waiting for me to lace up again and again and hit the road. Let me paint you a picture….

When I was born, I had some structural problems. I had a foot completely turned to the inside, it was my left foot (Not only that, my right hip is rotated inward and when I was in massage school, it was so pronounced that we would use a rolled up face towel to lift my hip just enough to get to where my body was aligned). Until I was about 7 months old, I had to wear a metal brace to get my foot to rotate to the correct position. Think Forrest Gump’s magic legs. They would take me anywhere… Anyhow, around this time, I developed a staphylococcus infection on my heal. I didn’t wear the braces after that and with some good chiropractic care, I can say that my structure is my more sound and stable.

Much like Forrest Gump, these braces must have done something wonderful to my legs, because I could sprint and wouldn’t you know it, I was good at that. For my body size and stature, I wan’t the most likely of sprinters, but, I loved to make others watch just how good I was. However, it wasn’t until I was in 8th grade that I discovered just how good I was.

The year had started like the others, the same cliques, the same girls who were in cheer last year were in cheer this year. There was this guy that I had a huge crush on and I was certain that it would work out for us that year. But, it didn’t. Instead, he was going out with this new girl who thought she was hot shit. And she really didn’t like me. The why of that, I have yet to know, but really, I don’t care why she didn’t like me. We had P.E. together that year. First semester first period was gym class. Oh what fun, now I can smell bad all day long! Our class had gone out to do track stuff, think high jump, long jump, the mile and the 100 dash. I paired up with my friend Jenny to do the 100 dash. I had not worn proper shoes to run in a dirt track, but, at that time, I didn’t really care about that. The whistle blows and we take off. Jenny is so much taller than I am. In fact, she’s always going to be taller than me, because I didn’t get much bigger than my 8th grade self. Anyhow, I ran as fast as I could as hard as I could to get to the end of that lane. I had to wait for Jenny to catch up to me. My teacher had this shocked look on her face. She said I want you to run against Rachel next. Ugh!! I had to talk to this girl?! Fuck!! So, whatever. We get to the starting line and she’s making all sorts of stupid comments and the whistle blows again and we take off. Now, I have a hard time with what happens next, but, I was so far ahead that I didn’t see it. I had pulled away from her and was most assuredly going to beat her in this race. I was stoked!! Finally, I can make that girl eat her words. And then I hear a thud and crying. I slide to a complete stop and turn around, and as I am about to lunge toward her, my teacher is yelling for me to just finish. Run!! So I did. I set a school record that day. The thud that I heard was when Rachel realized that I was going to beat her, she stops on the track, grabs her knee and then falls down, and starts to cry. From all accounts that I heard of it, all of my friends, they said it was the worst faked injury they had ever seen. She was mad that I was faster than her. Anyway, that year I ran track. She and I became friends at the time. She no longer hated me and her and Joshy weren’t going out anymore. (As a side note to that, Josh and my little sister ended up dating shorty after school ended that school year, so, that sealed it that he and I would never date in this lifetime.) I hated the workouts, but I loved how good I felt afterwards. I loved running in that aspect. I loved the alcaldes that go with it, and I still have my ribbons and medals from running that year.

I would complete my freshman year in high school not running. But the next year, I wanted to impress this guy that I liked who was on the cross country team by joining the team. I was a terrible distance runner. I have gotten better with my times now, but, yeah, it wasn’t my thing. But to get to sit by him in the van on the way to the meets, was well worth my time spent on that team. In the spring of that year, my little sister and I had become close, we did track together. In fact, we did the 4×100 team relay. It was my little sister and our neighbors, who were sisters as well. We all ran a 12 -13 second 100 dash. I was the starter who handed off to sister and she to the younger of the two sisters, and then to the older who would run that last bit. We were pretty good too. I loved that year in running. I had such a good time. After that, I got a job and didn’t do a lot of after school things. So, sports would just go by the wayside until I joined the Navy. I tried to like to run while I was in, but, I ran a lot on treadmills while I served. On the ships, while they were moving. On my first ship the treadmills faced front to back, so you didn’t have such a hard time with listing. On my second ship, they had them facing side to side, so when we were in heavy seas, it made running that much more of a challenge. And that was ok. But running for the sake of running wasn’t something I was really that into. I mean, I’m a sprinter. Not long a long distance kind of person. Who would want to run long distances? That’s so crazy!!

Well, many years past and all of the sudden about October 2014, I can feel my body going to through some weird emotional changes. And I am up and down every day and it’s turning me into a crazy person. I remember standing in the shower in March of 2015 thinking of ending it all. I was crying and I didn’t know how I could handle all that pain inside. I went to bed and the very next day I felt like I could take on the entire Star Fleet by myself. This was insane! I was struggling so hard and I didn’t know what to do about it. I had just moved out of my parents house and during the time that I had lived there, my mom had her thyroid out. I knew enough to know that those hormones are really important. So, we had some thyroid supplements in the cabinet for Thomas. I started to take one and made the decision that I could at least walk. Walking never killed anyone, and it’s not going to require anything special. So I began to walk a few days a week. And, I shit you not, within three days, I could feel my emotions starting to come under control and not feel so all over the board. In two weeks from that day, March 21, 2015, Thomas said that he could tell I was more ‘even keeled’.

It was at this time that my friend, Vanessa, who was running daily after work and totally kicking ass, would come and walk with me from time to time. It was so nice to have someone to talk to while walking. It was from her influence that I decided that I could run. I could do it if she could. She even thought I could do it too. Runners are the best support system I have ever had!! So I would go out by myself and do intervals for a mile or so. I started to track my miles. I wanted to know how far I was going, and I was really loving it. It was hard and then trying to keep up with her was even harder. But I wanted to. I wanted to be better, I wanted to keep running like she did. I remember the time she ran 10 miles. She was so worn out and I thought, wow.. I wonder if I could ever do that. Within a year of this change of adding running and my supplement, I was doing so much better. No more days of crying the shower. I was hooked and I wanted to do a race now. I thought big! I wanted to do the one in the valley and do a half marathon. It was something I thought I could train for and do. 2016 brought many changes to our lives. We got married and both got new jobs. It was becoming a pipe dream to do the race in the next year. That was, until, I had said something to my parents, who somehow relayed that to my older sister, who had a roommate at the time who gave my the code for a free entry to the next race in Phoenix that very next year. I had 75 days to get ready.

First race with Vanessa October 10, 2016

I was doing 4.5 miles consistently, but, I hadn’t really ventured out with more miles. I started with going to 5 miles. Then I would do 6 miles, and then I would increase until I had ran my 13.1 miles. It was a cold fall that year and I had just started to run with my dog. She would become my constant running companion and friend. We worked hard and by the time of the race, we could do it in 3.5 hours. I was so happy about that. It’s not easy to do that distance in any way. I still think that’s true.

By the time the race got here, I had just joined the Facebook running group, you vs. the year. It’s the challenge set up through MapMyRun that was done the year before, but I didn’t find the group until the second year of the challenge. From this, I was able to see that there is a huge group of runners out there who love to run and love medals. I finished the race that year in 2.5 hours. Almost a full hour off of my time at home. I was so happy! And I was so sore and tired as can be. I had my parents out on the course who cheered me on as I would go by, and my husband and daughter at the finish line waiting for me. I cried when I finished it. It was a feeling of such joy and happiness and exhaustion and I loved that!! That night, I remember sitting in my room wearing my husband hat and taking a photo of myself with my medal. It was a truly awesome feeling. When I posted my picture of me holding my medal to the group, I felt so loved and accepted and like I was with friends. It was a great thing!!

Through the friendships I have made with this running group, I have found countless virtual runs that I have done as well as doing a lot of the runs that I can in the valley. I get to see these friends when I go out of town for those races. They make the trip so much more fun. I couldn’t ask for a more wonderful group of support cheerleaders for a person. Honestly, without their support, I don’t know if I would keep lacing up daily.

Some days it’s hard to get out of bed on time, I never do, and go run. I want to, but, at the same time, I don’t want to get up. But running means the day gets easier just by finishing the run. Some days I think I should really get out of bed when I can’t sleep and go run, but I don’t. I have tried to take days off, and they are hard to do when running has become what keeps you sane. I want to share this love of this sport with my girls because I know how hard life can be, but, it’s like no matter how tired I am, or how bad I need to clean something, running has a way of making me feel so much better than anything else. It’s become a life line durning COVID. I wasn’t able to run as much or as far and certainly not as fast as I wanted, but, if I wasn’t able to run, I don’t know how I would handle all that life has thrown at me. I use that time to ponder so much in life. I wonder how will I manage to do things, how can I improve, how can I help more? I think about the work that I would love to do and I wonder how will they ever know I can do what they need if they just gave me a chance. I think about my family dynamics and how do I fit into the whole thing. I think about ways I can improve upon myself. Just this week I decided that I could try to do more with myself. I know that my weight is always a topic of cringe worthy feelings, but, I could so something daily to help with that. I am doing sit-ups. They are terrible. I hate them a lot! But, sit-ups aren’t going to kill me. And I am sure that a strong core will help with running, so, why not? 100 sit-ups daily. I think I want to throw in some kind of weighted twists, just for those oblique muscles, don’t want them to feel left out of the fun. Who knows. Just thought it would do me some good to add something in the mix.

So, what does running mean to me? Running is a way of life. Can I get along in life if I had to give it up? I’m sure I would have to, given those circumstances. Do I want to? Absolutely not! In the last 6 years, I have met some lovely people from all around the globe and I have been so blessed to be able to run where I do. My favorite photos have come from being on runs, and there is nothing more fantastic than to get to see the sun rise in the morning. I am more and more grateful that I am able to do this as there are so many who want to and can’t. When I hear of a fellow runner who died, I shed tears for them. My heart is broken for the Hoyt family this week. I break down every time I see that story. My friend who got me onto his Ragnar team passed away this last December and I was shattered! The running community is such an amazing group of people. They are supportive and funny. And though I haven’t felt like posting to anything lately, I am still there, cheering everyone else on! Running has made me a better person I think. That is enough of a reason right there to never give it up. ~ Peace😎