17Jan2026

Just under a week ago, we finally said goodbye to my dad. We had the service on what felt like the coldest day of the year, well, so far. It’s only the 16th of January after all. But, as far as the winter season, so far that was the coldest day. My three sisters and my mom and I sat in the front row of the church. Was a strange feeling being in that place again. The church grounds themselves are a place I spent a good deal of time at while I was a young teen.

I had gone to Phoenix the night before to pick up my oldest sister, Brandy from the airport. I got up early enough to do a short run, seems like I need to make sure to get out in nature daily, even when I’m grieving. Outside was cold, as I said, the coldest of the year. I got to mom’s house pretty early. We all did in fact. It was a very strange day. We got to the church just before noon, the fire engines were already there. Talked for a few and then loaded up into the fire trucks. Got to admit, that was my first ride in the front seat of the fire truck. Or in a fire truck at all. I have got to ride in the ambulance before. Going code three, not as fun as the fire truck, but, also, not an event I will ever want to repeat. The ride to the funeral home was nice, we chatted a bit, Piper and Rae and Steven and I.

We got to the little room in the funeral home and it was hard for all of us to walk into that. We all stood around and looked at the box with his photo on it. I think we tried to make some jokes, but it was so surreal. Being there, seeing him in one of my mom’s favorite photos of him. He was so full of life and he enjoyed laughing. He made everyone smile. .

I have to say, I find writing this a lot harder than I thought I would. Could be the fact that I’m sitting on my bed, very uncomforably, or because I’m half watching a movie. Who knows. But either way, this is harder than I thought it would be. Life has been pretty stressful these last few months without Kelly leaving, but with him gone, it’s been……

23Feb2026

Today was the first evening run I have taken in a long time it seems. I have been feeling all kinds of lost lately and yet, there is a lot of good things that are happening right now. I saw a video today that I thought for sure dad would have really loved, so I sent it to him. I told him that I missed him and I could use his help a lot of days. I was lost in thoughts running, and while I did want to run for a lot longer than what I did, The Yolandi Dog didn’t want to run as far as we did, and I felt like I pulled her for a good half mile. Oh well. She enjoyed coming home. It felt good to run. It felt really good to stretch afterwards, but what I loved was taking a nice hot shower and then sitting down and making time for writing tonight.

I have been talking about doing a podcast recently and I have been stumped. And then I had thought about the book that Piper had given me the year before last for Christmas. It was book journal kind of thing that was called, Mom I Want To Hear Your Story. I thought about knowing and understanding that my parents had whole lives before I was born. They were mid 20s when I came along. I think about what I was doing in my mid 20s and have decided that if I ever had a book written about my life, it would for sure be banned in Texas 😁🤩😎

I have talked to my mom about doing that as an interview for my sisters and use that as a starting point to see how it would sound and then maybe do interviews of people. I feel like a lot of folks just want their story to be heard. To say things that have happened that they never would have thought to talk about with others. Maybe that’s a bit rich, maybe people don’t want that at all. I do know that when prompted, many are glad to talk all about them selves for how ever long they have. I wonder if doing this will be something that I love and I can quit my job and be independently wealthy and can do whatever.. I do worry about healthcare if that’s the case though…. 🧐🤨

Today at work was not my best. I wanted to stay and finish what I was working on, but, I decided that I would start the day with that tomorrow. And then check on the daily stuff. I like that I have a plan when I get to work. It seems to keep me more on track than on days when I am not really prepared for the day. I was also told that my friend at work took a position out of where she is now. I am bummed. Like super sad over this today. I was thinking about it and I feel like she is one of those people that I could call friend.. Like a true friend, and now I will get to talk with her from time to time, but, she’s got a promotion and I don’t want to distract her when she does leave. I feel gut punched, and sad. I will get through it and I’m sure life will keep moving. But when you find one of those females, like one of those female friends that you can always talk to, like a new sister, it’s hard to watch them leave. She’s going to be awesome in her new role though, and I’m excited about that for her.

I was also thinking about how I feel like I’ve lost my passion. To be fair, I feel like I have lost my passion for anything right now. Grief is such a strange thing to me. One day I can get on just fine and keep going like life is somewhat normal. And then something happens that make me think of him. Somedays, I cry when this happens, and some days, I don’t cry, but I smile and get a little misty-eyed. It’s hard to feel anything while grieving. I am happy often, but I feel like it’s a lie, and I’m not really happy at all. I mean, there is so much that I wish I could have asked him, or I could have said to him. I feel like it’s the most unfair thing that has ever happened; to finish the rest of my life with him not there. I am hopeful that one day in the near future I will be able to get some new Ink and I can get my days done. Soonish I would like to find the box that has all the stuff that was in my desk, so I can find the lunch bag, like brown paper bag lunch bag – that says love dad on it. I know that seems a little odd, I’ve had it since I was 12, but it’s the little things in life that make such a huge difference. Like thinking about my parents dancing in the living room. I loved seeing that. I never grew up with a couple that screamed at each other, and they would make out in the kitchen. Eww. I digress…

At one point in the beginning of my running journey, I saw a post on Facebook in one of my running groups and he said, ‘If you’re not obsessed, find something else.’. I thought about that a lot today while running. What else did I have a passion for? I think about this and I think of doing this right here, right now, writing. It’s my outlet and I miss it when I don’t make it a habit. I keep thinking that if I ever want to be a better writer, then I have to write. UGH!! I have not progressed in this category in quite a long time. I thought about that time that I took up playing violin. I truly loved doing it. I took a few lessons, and I loved it. She said I would be playing with the symphony within 6 months if I kept it up. And then COVID happened and that didn’t happen. And then I thought about all of the coloring implements that I have that go with all of the coloring books that I have. Weird how that happens. 🧐🧐

I want to feel like I have purpose again, and then it brings me back to what do I want to do with my life and how can I make that work for me in the world of having to work? I would love to go back to doing massage. I miss that so very much. So much that I have recently purchased some massage cream again. I had to throw out the old stuff, it had gone rancid. I would love to do that again, but more on my terms, no 10 massages a day. Charge what I know I am worth and get into it again. Take classes on doing massage and how to do things that make it better for me and the client. Following massage as a passion is writing and running. After that would be being creative. I love making music, but I also love to make art and paint and draw. It’s been a hot minute since I did any of that. I feel like it might be just the thing to help me deal with processing dad’s passing. I figure maybe I can start by just doing one thing at a time. One day at a time. Not like I can take one and skip a few days. I mean I could if I was doing the mead diet, but that’s not the case.

Anyhow, I feel like I’m a little fuzzy, so I’m going to call it for tonight and this post. I’m tired all the time these days. I wish I could blame it on something good, but I haven’t felt like I have had a good reason to not be able to do what I need to do. I feel like I’m failing. I will keep trying my best. But I could really go for a vacation right now. Something where I don’t have to plan any of it. All I do is show up, and we do whatever we please.

Good night. I’m falling asleep friends.