Three Weeks Post Death

It’s inevitable. We all die. No one gets out of this life alive. My dad used to make jokes about it like, when I die I want to go like my grandfather; peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car. Or another thing he used to say was everyone is dying to get to the cemetery. Stupid jokes of course but they used to make me laugh.

There has been such an outpouring of love and support from everyone. All over the country, all over the state and even from the Pacific Ocean… that would be my little sister who was on deployment. He work led as a fire fighter for more than 20 years. All of them from the time I was in high school on. In fact he didn’t go full time at the department until it became a full time opportunity. Before that, they had a day crew and then volunteers for nights and weekends. I used to go to the station and watch Bevis and Butthead with him because we don’t have MTV at home. And I was told no I couldn’t watch it at home.

I try to see that death isn’t the end of life, it’s just another stage of it. I’m not worried about his soul, I’ll leave that to others, I just know that he’s ok. He’s safe and now he gets to be part of my life only in my memories. I’ve listened to his voicemail a few times and watched old videos of him and the kids just to hear his voice. To hear him laugh again. He always had a smile on his face and when he walked into a room he lit it up with his endless energy.

Of course as his child I knew him differently than coworkers. Growing up he was out of town a lot working. That started about the time I turned 7 or so and lasted until the year or two following my high school graduation. Not always out of town but working for the state took him to a lot of places. He worked in Prescott while we lived in Kingman, and then once my mom’s job took us to Pinetop, it took a month or two before he could get transferred to their Show Low office. I still drive by it and think of him being there. He worked as natural resource department clearing trees and other bits of shrubbery from the shoulder of the road. It was after this particular job with the state that he got on with the fire department full time. And boy did he love that!

Personally, I’m not a blood and guts kind of kid. I don’t want to see things coming out of your body that is supposed to be safely inside the body. So I know my calling isn’t the same as his, but he had so much fun with it. Yes, there will be calls that I remember him being on and the way it took a toll on his mind and his heart. He said the first day he ever worked after getting his EMT license was a suicide that didn’t work. After many years of seeing that exact kind of call he would say they should offer a class called suicide: doing it right the first time. Yes, terrible I know but anyone who I’ve met since then who has worked as an ER person or EMT/ Paramedic, they will agree. It’s gut wrenching to see that so many try and fail and in that process alter the trajectory of their whole life. Good bad or otherwise. And just to be clear, suicide isn’t something to joke about but you have to make light of it or the job will put you in therapy for life. There were countless car collisions that he cleaned up dead bodies off the road and that would gut him completely. It takes a special kind to do this job. And I’ve only known a two that I grew up with who have taken on that job as well.

In trying to cope with it, I’ve gone back to work (as if I could just not go 😑) it’s good to have something to take my mind off of the obvious. I have a great support system who is working with me to help me with anything I need. I am grateful for my coworkers, they are pretty amazing.

Few days later…

Was driving around town doing stuff and things hanging out with the kids. There was a truck that pulls up to us, we’re driving the same speed and he pulls ahead and I look over and see the load of wood. Do you ever know when it’s the last time you do something like that with them? Like I never knew it would be the last time to hug my dad when I did. I’ll never be able to go get a cord of wood with him either. What hurts is the not knowing it was going to be the last time I got to hug him. It was the last time I got to say I love you daddy. And yes. I still called him daddy. When I wasn’t calling him Kelly. There are no more birthday party with my mom. No more Christmas seasons we take a full day to have his birthday. No more laughs. Fuck!! This fucking sucks!

I don’t know how my sisters are handling this. I know that I have to keep going and I have to keep doing my thing. Keep working. Keep living. Just keep livin. I imagine everyone who has lost their father, or people who have a close relationship with their fathers, all go through this. That feeling like your compass star has disappeared, like your lost on the ocean, dead in the water. And that ocean, well, it never stops. The waves just keep coming at you. I know eventually I will move through what I will consider the hardest part, but not now. Not today, certainly not this year. Not likely I’ll ever really get to the point when I don’t cry thinking about it. Maybe one day I’ll stop seeing him in his chair dead. Maybe one day that day will stop playing in my head over and over again. But not today.

Today, or tonight rather, I shall put on my favorite Christmas movie and watch George C. Scott portray Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge, and be sad. Sad that I don’t get to hear my dad laugh again. Sad that I can’t hear him telling his grandkids to put stuff away or to come play. He’s not going to show me whatever cool thing he’s got going on in the barn. And I’m never going to be the same person I was when I was with him. Because only he could bring that out on me.

I used to cut his mustache. We would go outside on the back deck, weather permitting of course. It would take me nearly an hour to do his face, get the old man hairs out from his ears and his eyebrows and do some basic trimming on his hair. I would take a gummy before hand and we would listen to classic rock and laugh together. I will miss that.

And with life throwing more curve balls than I can hit I’m starting to unravel it feels like. I know Piper is worried about me but I wish she wouldn’t. I know life will go on and things will change, it’s inevitable. Life is change. But for now, I will do my best to just keep livin. It’s not like I can take days and be knocked out for many at a time. That’s not reality. Reality is going to sleep and not knowing if I will wake up at 2 or 3 and not be able to go back to sleep. Reality is getting up with heavy feet and go running. I’m still debating my running to honor him. I want to set up a certain distance, 6.9 km. Equals about the distance of running around the lake daily. I think I may do it. Or at least make the commitment to do it. But right now I’m still not able to commit to much of anything.

If you have read this far, dear reader, I do appreciate it. I’m not doing well right now but life changes frequently and so I know this is but a fragment of time in my life that I will be feeling like this. I know that his memory will be honored and that he won’t be easily forgotten by me, my sisters or my mom, or my community. He was kind of a big deal in the community. He was my hero. I think Kelsie said it best. He had a way of making you feel like you could do anything. Which is why my girls will be heading to school soon to train to become fire fighters and EMT’s. He would have been so damn proud. 🥲

And now I shall rest some. It’s been a long day that has been very loud. I’m going to braid my hair and head to bed. Good night~

A Hard Truth

I have a confession to make dear reader. I have gone through the whole of my life thinking I was concerned about others and taking care of those around me. But when shown the other perspective, I realized I am not the woman I thought I was.

In my mind, I am thoughtful and do nice things for others. In my mind I give my family what they need and do so without asking anything. In my mind, I’m pretty cool. However, I had my behavior pattern pointed out to me. I am not the things I think I am. There is no “goes without saying” because it somehow slipped my mind that no one can read my mind. I hate these hard truths about myself. But at the same time, it gives me a new way to see the person that I am.

Personally, I wish I could blame it all on my changing female body and the hormonal changes that come with getting older. I’m not a spring chicken anymore, so I know my body is doing the weirdest shit possible. I can see that I do all the good things for myself, drink water, move my body regularly, not binge eat Harbro gummy bears when I want to because they are there and delicious. And yet. Somehow I feel like my body is slowing down and telling me that I am getting older.

I wish I could lie to myself and say it’s because I’m stressed out. We are all stressed. This is more than it’s just stress. This is me not taking a good look at me and seeing what my best friend, my partner sees in me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a sign of an ending to us. No. Quite the contrary in fact. I am not objective when I look at me. I want to think I’m some kind of modern, everyday, run of the mill, small town person. I like to think of myself as being pretty but not too beautiful because to be beautiful is to be vain. And I think I’m fucking awesome at being alive but don’t want to be too prideful. Insert the soliloquy of America Ferrera in the movie Barbie. Wow. Well done sister!

I have come to see myself in a different way. I’m slower, easier to anger, and faster to forget. I put in a lot of lip service and I don’t mean it. I was asked recently, that if it came down to my parents and sisters or my husband and his daughter, I would chose my sisters. And it’s stuck with me since then. I was thinking about it at work too. And it makes me wonder.

I feel like this needs to be said. I have presented like that for a long time. It was in little things. Such as the photos on my Lock Screen. Now I open it just to see the photos. I have loved writing and yet I have never written to advocate for our girls. There is so much that I have left undone (I feel an underlying theme here lately 😑👎🏻).

Since then, and when I say then I’m referring to when I started this one in November.. November 15 to be exact, I have began taking a low dose of estrogen. I started looking at people in life for who they are, not just who they are to me. That one is a hard one. I have put a lot more thought into making my relationships better. Showing affection and using a softer voice. That’s not an easy one either. Stayed off my phone more with the kids over and played with legos and cars and Buzz Lightyear. I am being an active part of my life again and running again (except for today when the Yolandi was very clear that she wanted to go home. And I know from previous days like this, that she will ensure we go back with her way because that is her way!). I find joy in my everyday life and I’m so grateful for it all.

Action needs to be a dominant force. Action needs to be my new word. Am I setting a resolution? No. I want to look at it like it doesn’t have to be a lot of progress. Just forward progress. Forward with the business. Forward with writing. Forward with a podcast. Just forward.

I feel like forward action is the theme I am going to be embracing now. Forward action to get further this year than last.

I have been running again. Not too far or anything but I’m going to finish my 1024km challenge this year. I have forgotten that it will make me sore in parts that haven’t been that sore for a while. It’s almost like starting over but I already know what to expect so there isn’t any guesswork. I had to loosen the dog’s harness yesterday after our run because she just wasn’t in it at all. I’m going to be adding miles this coming week. I haven’t done the loop in so very long it’s time I see it again. And early will be better as the ground is frozen and I can get away with being in the mud on the side of the road. I’m looking forward to running this year. I don’t have any goals for it, but I’m taking it easy this month and will be upping miles a great deal next month. If I can hit about three miles a day, that will give me a good deal of miles. But I’m wanting to get better times too so I’ll be doing work at home too. Like stretching and strength training. Oh it’ll be amazing!!

Anyhow, dear reader, if you got this far I thank you. I have wandered off topic a bit but I’m getting there again. I have a lot of work to do on myself. And today is the first day of the rest of my life. Unless it’s the last day of course. Happy Friday to you all. Let’s go have an adventure. 😎❤️

The Light Within

For me, the idea of stretching and doing yoga after my morning run is like a dream come true. The reality of it happening however, it not so much. I yearn to feel the way the muscles can be relieved from tireless aches and pains through the simple, though not actually simple, slow process of yoga. I love how it makes me feel so alive all over. I feel peaceful and one with the world if I get the extra added benefit of at least ten minutes or more of meditation. The feeling of all of these things is so magical and it makes me feel very connected to the ever flowing energy all around. It is a rare event and I love when I can feel the light within me.

For the last ten years or so, I have focused more and more on the energy that flows. There have been many times over the years that I have been told that I have a light that shines from within. It was in those moments of hearing this about me, I was low. I didn’t feel like there was any thing special about me at all. It was just enough of a lift that it would keep my heart from giving up. And there were many times I wanted to give up.

About a decade ago, I had began massage school and I was in a low spot. I was getting through the reality of life without my ex husband as a newly divorced woman. I cried a lot in those days. It was in my Intro to Alternative Medicine that I began to question many things that had been presented to me as hard facts when the truth wasn’t exactly that. I wanted to get the most of the time that I had. For the time I was in school, our daughter was living with her dad. It was bitter sweet. I wasn’t going to be able to give her any time. I had to be at work at 5.30 am, worked until 2.30 pm, and then school started at 3. pm and didn’t get done until 7.30 pm. I would be gone before she got up and home after she went to sleep. It wasn’t fair when she could stay with her dad who would be able to spend nights with her and get her up in the morning, and be able to be a parent that I couldn’t do right then. If I wasn’t working on the weekend, I was doing homework or taking more classes for and in massage. It was my life.

I liked the sound of Reiki. It was beautiful and I knew that I needed to take that class. It was from this class that the whole course of my life changed. I knew the guy who sat next to me would be in my life somehow. I also discovered that there was a tangible energy that I could tap into to warm myself up when needed, like when my hands get cold, and that made me aware of the fact that I was glowing from the inside. I have since been told that is a golden colour. And as bright as the sun. Blinding bright. From time to time, I can feel that light.

Not my art work. Just a visual of how I feel

My favourite times to run are in the dark. Not sure why, but that also tends to mean its cold outside. This mornings storm was a welcomed sound to my ears. The wind brought a cool breeze that made me grateful that I was wearing long sleeves and pants. An article of clothing I had put away for the last four months? ……. Yeah, four months. I had a hard time with the running part of it today. I wanted to run, but, for whatever reason, it just wasn’t happening the way I wanted it to. We ran very little and my mind wandered to the events that marks 9/11 as a day in history. I still reflect on the events of the day as if it was last week.. I usually don’t remember yesterday, but a week, I can do that. To my horror, some of the memories have faded with time, however, the majority of it is pretty well burned into my brain. I was so young. The world was an adventure, and I was about to embark on a trip of a lifetime!! And what an adventure that turned into. It’s been 18 years and I tear up when I talk about it and when I see video of it. I was stunned. Who would’ve known we would go to war that day? That week? It was a very harsh reality check from me and my little sister, as we were both new to the US Navy, still in school.

I wanted to run today, I made it out with walk instead. I’m sure I looked pensive as I moved along, lost in thought. When I got home, I needed to get cleaned up for work, as well as wake the child. I let the water run over me and I took a deep breath. Of air, not water, duh. I closed my eyes. The heat from the warm water was so nice. By this time, I had gotten cold again, so the warmth was just capital! I love how when you feel the energy it makes you smile and it feels like that warm energy surrounds you all over. The feeling was so glorious this morning, I felt like my skin wanted to burst open from this fire that burned within. As though my flimsy human form has a very hard time trying to contain the light that it holds. I want to shine bright and allow it an escape, almost as though it’s under too much pressure. I have a lovely image of a statue that resonates with me so much that it’s the most beautiful representation of how I feel. Only, the light isn’t bright enough.

I don’t know who did this art work, but, that’s how I feel, the light inside me.

One of my favourite runs, I felt exactly like this artwork!! It was night time, in December a few years ago. I had to use my moms car for a time due to my car not running, so I would use the car and when I dropped it off at her house, I would run home. It was dark, on a Friday night, around 7.45 when I left my parents house. Since I wanted to make it a longer run than 1.2 kilometers, I went the other way around to my apartment. I would say I was about 2 miles into the run, on the back side of Rainbow lake, where there are no houses, and the lake is right there, the moon is lit in a lovely crescent shape and I could easily see the road ahead of me. I was in such a state of peace that I felt the light rise within me. It wanted to escape and light the whole night up. I was flying with my pace and I was so happy. I would say runner’s high but I feel like this was more than that. More than energy work, it was feeling like I was a star, shining on the earth, happy and peaceful and free.

*Stardust, staring Claire Danes*, again, just how I feel…

In these moments of blissful peace and harmony with universe, I know that I am blessed to have found this light within. It has always been there, others had seen it in me, but I couldn’t. The growth that comes from giving time, time, is essential to ones’ personal development. When the towers fell those years ago, life changed as I knew it. Ten years ago, I was learning to grow up and beginning to adult. I still am not too fond of adulting. It’s not my favorite thing, but I like the benefits that it gives, so, I do. I am learning to do better as a person, as a professional, as a wife and a mother. I am not perfect by any means and to be honest, I don’t see how I make a difference to others. But then I see the way the light shines on others and brightens their life, I know I am on the right trail.

I am relearning how to be still and relax and meditate. I love that feeling after running when I have stretched and am able to it relax and calm my mind to a peaceful meditation. I downloaded Soulvana by Mindvalley and started to listen to the 6-phase meditation. I have heard wonderful things about it and to be perfectly honest, when the light within me dims, as it has lately for whatever reason, I start to shut down in a lot of other ways. Running helps for sure, but, I feel like I have lost my muchness, and I don’t want that. I need to get back to me again. So, I can say that after doing this a few times, I feel like I’m on cloud nine when done with it. For my own project, I am seeing what mediation can do for me, and what can be accomplished once I let go. Who knows… Maybe my idea of a perfect day will become my reality. Night all… 🙂