Are You Running?

About two or three weeks ago, I read on RunnersWorld on Instagram a story about a woman who had done a marathon and documented it but she had never done any race ever and she was overweight and she walked the whole thing. I liked the story because I like to see the good in the world and see that people are able to do amazing things when they commit to it. Will she do another race? Will this be her thing? I wanted her to proud of herself as I myself have been able to do (not all of the time, but I have felt so good that I felt like my insides were going to burst from the light that wanted to get out. Like a statue breaking from within, that ever elusive runner’s high. That’s amazing!) and I wanted that for her.

Since I have taken up running long distance running, I have found an amazing group of people who cheer you on and inspire you to be better and work harder. I had yet to see anyone be nasty to another in this regards. So imagine my surprise when I looked and found that there are many who took issue with the particular article. The majority of it being, she shouldn’t be featured in this post because she didn’t run any of it. I have read this thread and oh my goodness gracious! They hated that she ate while she walked, and anyone could walk 26.2 miles was another of my favorite remarks.

Taken back doesn’t begin to adequately describe what I am feeling about this. Shocked. Hurt I think is a better word for it. I took offense to some of the comments because while I have not walked an entire marathon, I did sign up for a 30 mile walk in a day. Holy motherfucking hell!!! I would rather not ever do that again. I have to be able to run some of it for me to consider doing it. Like the first 15 miles. It seemed like it was uphill the entire way, but I can assure you, dear reader, that I have run that road and it’s uphill both ways. It was the comment that stated if you have to walk during your runs, you’re not a real runner that was particularly hurtful to me. I’m not her and I don’t know the back story any more than what was featured in this article. But it nearly took my breath away to see that in black and white.

I am not an elite runner. I never will be. I would like to do a marathon in less than 6 hours, but, that’s a lot more work than what I want to do right now. I am nursing a injured leg and have to make sure that when it starts to have that twinge that I have to begin walking. I was never a long distance runner, but, I love the miles.

It took me back to another group long ago, 7? 8? 9 years? Not too sure, 2020 feels like it was 7 years ago and I am shocked to see how much has changed in that time. I have been lucky enough now, in this time, to see Leslie Jones hosting the Daily Show. Oh I like her a lot!! She’s brilliant. More Leslie Jones!!! I digress. It was group of veterans and there were many on there and one day, I came across a post that said if you didn’t have an honorable discharge, you can’t call yourself a real veteran.

OK. First of all, who died and left these people Ed McManhon? Do they think this will invalidate their accomplishment because an overweight woman walked a marathon? I did get one comment back that said it was a page dedicated to running and while they chose to write about this one person, they didn’t highlight that another women broke a running record? I was more impressed with this comment. It gave a different solution to what was a perceived problem. It really broke my heart to see this. It was then that they started to get super petty. Like fucking Karen, can I talk to your manager petty. One woman went onto another profile and started throwing shade at her for her posts that didn’t have anything about running on it. Whoa! Fucking call the manager for being that childish. I wanted to say something to them both. Did you know that famed runner and author, mentor and coach, Jeff Galloway has a running walk method for different distances? He’s set records and he walks part of it, is he know magically not a runner because he walks for a part of it?

The sun goes down. The water is near to the dock again

I thought about these things for my run today. Yes, I walked some of it. Largely in part to the amount of ice that I dodged so I wouldn’t fall down and break my crown 👑 But that muscle, it tells me when it’s time to stop running and walk for a bit. I remember turning onto Larson Road and thinking what gives these people the right to say that you aren’t good enough to be featured in any article on the internet? For fucks’s sake, grow up people. Your small mindedness is really ugly and no matter who you are, once that stink gets on you, it’s a lot like the smell of desperation. It’s a hard one to get off. It turns you ugly. The audacity of people on the internet is overwhelming sometimes.

It was coming up on to mile three when this was really something that was bothering me. Just made me so angry. I set records when I was young, in junior higher running. Actual school records, I was a sprinter. I’m still very proud of that. Why? Because I was always looked at funny when I told others I was a sprinter. “You don’t look like a runner, let alone a sprinter” is what I would hear as they looked me up and down. I was a chunky kid. I’m still thick. I love my curves right now. But tomorrow is a new day and as I get a bit older, I am starting to notice things hurting more than they used to and I take a bit longer to heal than I used to.

At this point in my running, if I have to walk, I’m going to walk. I have to listen to my leg now, I have no desire to re-injure myself. I guess if I don’t run the entire time, then I’m not a runner. And I guess if a real veteran has to have an honorable discharge, then I’m just not a real veteran… I have busted my ass to be able to call myself both of those thing. These opinions are stupid and full of bullshit. This does not invalidate an elite runners accomplishment. This does not invalidate a person who served in a time of war in a theater of war. We were on the offensive side of that war. I worked hard to be where I am and I simply refuse to let others opinions of bring me down. I feel like this kind of thinking proves my little sisters theory that some people just don’t have the sense that god gave lemons.

I got home from my run dn thought about this some more. I know I shouldn’t let it get to me. I know I should just drop the whole thing and keep going and smile, but I feel like I am sick to death of smiling and letting others tell me what they think I should or should not be. This is a subjective opinion piece on a runners page. We aren’t talking about, the Supreme Court did what again? Or the war in Ukraine. Or any group of facts strung together. This is a sport. Some are elite. Others just can’t live without it. If you consider that in 5 years this woman will still be able to say I walked a full marathon and I can do fill in the blank, so can you. I would rather hold someone up as the cross the finish line than worry about a PR. We are a herd. You take care of each other in a herd. The miles are all the same, no matter how long it took you to get to the finish line.

For the majority of the runners that I have met, I have yet to meet anyone who has said anything like this. So I am lucky in that regard. But, I am also glad that I chose to help others and build them up instead of tearing an accomplishment apart because it doesn’t match someone’s image of what a runner should look like.

I am tired now. I ran hard and I am so grateful for the ability to do my best. I have been pushing myself and I can start to feel some of the good from my efforts. Why, you may wonder. Am I trying to lose weight? Umm.. 😂No. I want to at myself in the mirror, naked and be proud of what this body has been able to do and has been able to overcome to get where I am now. Where am I now? I am able to run again, and working on getting my leg stronger. I was born with a twisted hip and as a result I had to wear special shoes – think ‘magic shoes’ from Forrest Gump – and I have injured that same leg again and again. Most recently, you may remember dear reader, the tear in rectus femoris on September 3rd. I was down for weeks, and had a hard time walking two weeks later. I was lucky enough that I didn’t need surgery. I don’t want to hurt myself. I am getting up and doing it and not only getting out and doing it, but, putting a lot more effort and focus into running than I have ever done before. And that includes running track for three or four years. I want to make a comeback and be better than I was before. I would love to have a running parter. I have been lucky enough to have had two woman running partners whom I love dearly. Now it’s just me and The Yolandi Dog and my thoughts. The buddy was the one who helped you push yourself harder. Never had a faster pace than when Vanessa and I were able to run regularly. And she was way faster than I was. Now we walk instead. I like that we can focus more on the conversation than what I was able to do while running. I could focus on what she was saying, but me trying to run and talk at the same time is not something I can do very well. I want to be strong and leaner.

And with that thought, I must finish a few other projects. Look out for two more posts tonight 😎🤩😘

When It’s Time to Take a Break

The whole idea of a rest day, is something that I love and I hate at the same time. If I don’t run in the morning, then I will feel it all day, and then nine times out of ten, I won’t run in the afternoon. And then of course, I will whine about it and try it all again the next day. I have been doing good this last month. I was able to pick up and start doing 10k’s again, and that was making me feel really good about it. I am so happy about that.

For the years that I did massage full time, I remember how others would get sick or injure themselves and I used to say that the body has a way of making you slow down when you really need it. I have been lucky enough to only have to deal with a few minor things. I’ve pulled muscles and fallen and hurt myself a bit here and there. Surgery was a hard one for me last year. I couldn’t run, and then I couldn’t have sex and there are two wonderful things that I use as a stress reliever (it’s also how I stay connected to my husband, and he’s pretty fond of that as well).

Let me paint a picture for you. It’s a beautiful summer day, the sun is bright, and we are dressed and ready to go take the kayaks out for a little fun on the lake. Have to take them to get washed off a bit, as they weren’t covered the last time we took them out, thinking that the rain will help clean them, and that’s not what happened. So go to the car wash and I jump out and am spraying off the two on my car and then Kelsie drives in and I’m to get the one on her truck. I get half way around to the back of the vehicle and I step up on the back bumper, that little dip where the license plate is, that’s where I’m standing. I hold onto the light on the top and get the sprayer and pull the trigger and next thing I know, I have been pushed back from the force of the water and one leg hits the wet concrete, my right foot and it keeps sliding backwards. And as I keep going down and the other foot finally comes off the back bumper and I’m in a side splits position and slam down on the concrete. I hear a loud pop and then I couldn’t move and I couldn’t explain how much that it hurt. I had injured myself. For the first time ever, I really injured myself. Kelsie and Thomas get me out of the wash bay and as I’m standing at the side of it, I can feel myself trying to not pass out from this. Voices are muted and it feels like they are talking to me at the back of a tunnel. Again, a new thing to come that close to passing out from pain. With much wailing and crying and screaming, I manage to get into the car and Piper drives us home. She is such a trooper though she was scared beyond words for sure. I try to get out of the car and Thomas asked if we need to go to the ER. Yes. Yes we do need to go.

Get to the hospital and Thomas gets me a wheelchair and I’m taken back immediately taken to triage, and from there, I’m quickly whisked away to a room. The tears from the pain are flowing and I have never felt pain like this before. I didn’t throw up, and I didn’t wet myself at the time, so there was a silver lining. It wasn’t even 11.30 yet in the morning. A gentleman named Matthew came in and did the X-rays on me, and I cried from that. The good news, no broken hip though it’s not dislocated either, and I can move the leg from side to side but I can’t extend my leg fully. So, they order a CT scan to make sure there are no broken parts in there, even a hairline fracture. As it turns out, the CT scan reveals that I have a torn muscle. My hamstring is torn and I have severely strained my groin muscles as well.

At this point, it’s getting closer to me leaving the hospital and I have two very nice ladies come in to fit me for crutches. Upon trying to stand up and put weight on the crutches I can’t do it, and the pain is unreal. I’m sobbing pain at this point. I am then given my discharge instructions and they put me in a wheelchair and take me to the waiting room, as I’m waiting for Thomas to get back to the hospital. More tears come as he’s trying to get me into the car. And then more wailing in pain to get me up two stairs to get into the house. I’m sure the neighbors were wondering what was going on. Got to the couch in the living room now and I’m in so much pain.

What feels like forever, I know to be only about an hour, I know that I have to get upstairs to get into the tub and into bed. I make the decision and begin my way up stairs. I’m on my butt, going up backwards, lifting with my arms and my good leg. The pain ranges from my low back and radiates from there all the way to my knee. There is a sharp shooting pain that goes down the back of my leg to my knee and wow. That’s super not fun. With much help, I get into the tub and do a soak, that hurts, and wash my body, I was super smelly. Got into bed, and then had some food, took my pain meds and went to bed.

Sunday comes and so far, there isn’t a bruise yet. It’s just hurts. I lay in bed all day only getting out to go the ten feet to the toilet and back. With my leg hanging, it’s very painful to try and use the crutches. As if it’s being pulled downwards and that hurts. I talked to a few people and spent time on social media, what a waste of time that was, and watch some funny shows here and there. Monday, Labor Day comes. I am determined to shower today. I make it to the bathroom and am able to use the shower chair my parents brought me the evening before. I felt so good to wash my hair and my body. To not smell myself was a huge good thing.

So now, here I am, on Tuesday (though likely won’t post until later this week). I have been able to make an appointment with my PCP for Friday. I am taking photos of the bruises to see how they change, and when I got up this morning, it looked like Mickey Mouse’s head. Now, it’s just a giant purple bruise that’s spreading. It’s so swollen and taking photos of it doesn’t do it justice, especially when you consider it’s right at the base of my butt. I have yet to be able to extend my leg at this time, and the dull achy pain, is more of an annoyance than anything. I can’t do anything and that’s what is hard for me.

So that brings me to taking a break from running. This one is not something that I had planned. But, with time off, I’m hoping that things will work out for me. I have some patches that I really wanted to sew onto a messenger bag that I love. I bought the needles for it, and now I have to get some thread and a pair of scissors up here and I can do that. I also have time to get back to my video that I’m making for sales of a product that my husband and I have invented. I haven’t worked on that for a while now and now is as good as time as any. I mean, all I’m doing is sitting on my butt right now. I am noticing that my hip hurts, my other leg hurts and I am working on moving my leg, but, I don’t know. It’s going to take some weeks to get back to normal again. In fact, the PA that I saw said he tore the same muscle last year, and it really does take 6-8 weeks of recovery before I’m going to be feeling more like normal. I don’t know how bad the scar tissue is going to be, but, I guess I will have to wait and see.

I have to say though, my husband and child have been so good to me and have helped me to get set up and be able to function a little bit. I have everything I really need, my grinder, my pipe, my food and snacks and now my computer. All I need now is to be able to sit on a hard surface without wanting to cry. So with that in mind, I will have to wait to go to work. For now, it is what it is. A lesson in patience, humility, and giving control to others to take care of me. It’s not an easy lesson, but, one that is there to learn. I will fight it of course, because I don’t know that I can’t do things. Which is the whole reason I was washing the kayak in the first place. I didn’t know that I couldn’t do that. I do know though.

Have a great day kids.. if you can run, run for me… I can’t for at least two months. ~ ❤️

Deviating From the Route

In this Wednesday’s edition of Unfinished Thoughts, I talk about The Yolandi Dog. She sat in my lap today, striking poses from my camera as if she had been doing that her whole life… Funny girl.

September 19?, 2019

I first started running about 4 and half years ago. It seem strange to say that now, because I can’t really imagine not running or at least walking if I can’t run. I am so beyond grateful for that. Anyhow, I ran at first with only Vanessa. She was with me the first time I ran a full mile. And then three miles, and then five miles. I love this sport and it’s because of her. About a year after I started, we had a dog move in with us. I had reservations about it. It was shortly after we had gotten married, though we lived together for a long while before we got married. It was spring and windy. All the time windy. In September of that year, my husband suggested I started to run with the dog. I didn’t like the idea. She was still a puppy and full of energy and hard to control, how would I manage to keep her on track all the time? I fought it and I hated it at first. And then I started to find that if I didn’t hold her and I used a belt to put something around myself and strap the leash to the belt, I would be alright.

We have logged many miles, the dog and I. In a few weeks, we start training for a marathon. It has me a bit nervous, but, I think I will be alright. I least I hope so. As of right now, I have three races between now and then, with a possibility of three. The first one being this weekend. I’m not trying to win or anything like that, I am going to run with my sister and my dad and I think it’s going to be a blast.

About a year and some change ago, I noticed that the dog was not doing as well as she had been. She seemed like she wasn’t interested in running at all. I was besides myself thinking that there was something wrong with my dog. I hated to admit it, but I was in love with my best friend, The Yolandi Dog, that I had found who loved to run as much if not more than I did.

April 21, 2021

I want to address what I was talking about here. She was not running. She didn’t want to go out and if she did, it was only around the block and not very energetic at all. I thought something was really wrong with her. And then, magically, one of the ladies in my running group said her dog was doing the same thing and what could it be. Turns out, dogs, just like people, get bored with the route you take. It’s the same thing over and over again, day after day, with little to no variation. Change the route you take. Go backwards, take a different trail, do something different to change things up a bit. (facepalm here) Dammit. Why didn’t I think of that? I was grateful for the advice and we started to do things a bit different. And sure enough, she started to act like she wanted to go for a run again. Hooray!!

I think it’s funny, reading this now, how I am about 4 weeks from marathon training and I have a race this weekend, virtual of course, and I’m looking forward to it. I have much going on this weekend; giving a massage, cleaning one spot of the house, Piper’s closet, and trying to relax a bit. Oh, and like an asshole, I told my mom I was going to come over this weekend, and I didn’t, but, I really need to go see her. I asked for her help and then I flaked. Typical. I feel very overwhelmed a lot more than I can say and I feel very overwhelmed at work, and that spills into personal life because I’m so exhausted that I just can’t seem to find the desire to get my ass in gear. I want to zone out and tune out and I feel a lot of pressure to get things done. From whom? From myself.

I want to think that I can do anything. That I take care of myself and that I am doing the best I can at work, that I can be that superwoman. I put so much pressure on myself to be the perfect me, that I don’t give myself permission to be the best me I can, and let that shit go. I have the burning desire to be perfect, and I am far from that. I know that I am far from that, and I still feel like I should be perfect. UGH!! I know! Let it go Julie.

Meanwhile, back at the bat cave, The Yolandi Dog and I still vary the route because we need to. It’s not fun when you get stuck in a rut and only take the same boring route day in and day out. There needs to be some change to it. Last night, Kelsie and I took the dog on the highway run. It’s not my most favorite due to the sidewalk being fucked up. It’s like an acid wash on concrete, the stones in the mix are exposed and crumbling and hard on my feet. It was nice to change it up a little and deviate from the chosen route.

This morning, I had it all planned out. I had my clothes laid out and I was ready to go. And then I just didn’t want to go. Shocking right? I put on my bathrobe and went downstairs, and waited for the coffee to finish brewing. It wasn’t 5:30 yet, but nearly, so I sat down on the couch. Now, right now, the living room is very sparse. We have furniture for it, but, we ordered new bedroom furniture and so, since there is a lot of room with so much less in the living room, we are going to wait until the bedroom set gets here. The couch, which is two pieces of a modular couch, a corner and a middle piece, sit under the window which faces the eastern sunrise. I love that spot, in the back of the corner piece and watch the sun come up. Once the coffee was ready, I poured myself a cup and went back to that spot. It was a lovely morning. And then, the dog came down and jumped into my lap. And then I took photos of my beautiful girl. She’s such a pretty thing. Love that shit head so much! The black and white photos really look stunning if you ask me. She’s so funny, as if to pose for the photos. Kids. 🙂

I sat there a bit longer and my husband comes downstairs to get coffee. I looked outside and noticed the wind was already shaking the fir tree next to the front window. It had already started. Yuck! The wind around here can top 60 mph gusts and it makes the whole place sound like the roof will come off the house… at least it does at work. According to the late, great Alex Trebek, Springerville is the windiest city in the country, and if he said it was, it’s the truth. I live less than an hour from there, and let me tell you, the wind here fucking sucks!! There is no nice way to put it. My hair stays up for so much of the year due to the elements of the this place, no one really sees how long it has gotten. In the summer it’s in a bun, because it’s the easiest way to where it. In the winter, it gets pretty static ridden. So it goes up, again. The wind season around here will see my hair stuck in the car door if it’s down or rolled up in the window. That’s not cool. The wind again. It’s here for so much of the year, and it’s all people talk about at work with customers, is the wind. That’s like bitching about snow when you live in the mountains and it’s winter time. It happens every year. Wow. And with wind like that, there is no run.

I din’t use cruise control the whole way home due to the wind. The widows were all closed in the bedroom when I got back upstairs and you could hear the wind, howling. Today I was ok with it. No restlessness to speak of, which was nice. I longed to be home, in my room, not listening to anything except for the wind as it moves through the trees. I take comfort in it on days like today. Though the weather suggests that the wind has died down today, it’s still blowing at 19 mph. Ugh! I had really wanted to get some in this afternoon.

I am hoping for some good sleep tonight. And I hope for some good sleep, or sunshine for you too, dear reader. Time for some food and some sleep. Good night friends.. Peace~

Sundaes for Breakfast

For today’s edition of revisiting old thoughts and finishing them, we will look at that one time, when protesters took over the capital building. And then thoughts on it now. I had strong feelings the day after it happened, which is when this was written. I still have strong feeling on it. The goal on revisiting old thoughts is to get one finished once a week. I have 11, including this one. Only ten more weeks to go and then more random thoughts about running and the occasional interludes about politics. and other ramblings.. which are thoughts that I tend to have while running in the morning. So, it works. Anyhow, there were only two corrections to the first part of this blog, both just needed better words due to too many redundancies. It is a bit scattered in the latter part. My mind is racing these days, I need a break 🙂

January 7, 2021

I was impressed with myself this morning for managing to get out of the house and go run. My head was not in the right space and it was most wonderful. I should have left the house a lot sooner than I did and as it would happen, I really needed that full 30 minutes to really get the endorphins going. And, as a result, my mood for the better part of the day was less than stellar. I feel like I should be taking my medicine before I get to work, and instead, it’s sat in my purse all day, and I have only just taken them since getting home today.

As I sit here, I can feel the effects of my meds kicking in and my brain tingles a bit and I can feel myself breathing a little easier. My body isn’t as tense and I’m relaxing into the keyboard as I get ready to get myself a nice bowl of chocolate ice cream. Tillamook Chocolate Mudslide.. if there is any left that is. And my bowl of which I speak, is no bigger than a small 4 ounce bowl, and I really don’t eat a lot of it. It’s too sweet for me. But it’s so rich and delicious, and I don’t eat it very often, I think after the last 36 hours or so, I deserve to take a deep breathe and try to relax. After all, shit really hit the fan yesterday and I can’t stay silent on this one. BRB…..

This is really from tonight… It sounded so good…

Lots of new things for me this week. I bought makeup and I actually like it a lot. I don’t feel like I have makeup on at all, so shout out to IL MAKIAGE for a fine product. I really like the concealer and eyeliner as well. And, the best part about their make-up was I wear a mask all day, every day, and I haven’t had any makeup wear off onto the mask. What IS this magic 🙂 Another first this week was I started to curl my hair before I go to work again. Why am I doing all of this fun getting made up kind of thing? Well, every few years I go through spurts where I want to look nice when I go to work, and so I will get up early and put effort into how I look when I get there. It makes me feel better about myself. I hate the time it takes because I don’t like giving up on my time to anything, so it’s a big deal for me to make an effort to be punctual. Yay me. Although, when I got work on Tuesday, my computer monitor died and I had to use a different one, therefore, I had to have my time adjusted because of the equipment and not because of me. Again, ya me. On Wednesday I got to watch in horror as domestic terrorists stormed the capital building. And what a fucking shit show that was. My stomach still hurts and I can feel my chest tighten as I think of it again. I am going to fast forward a bit to this evening, just before walking downstairs for dinner. I asked my husband did we have any protests in the 80’s that lead to the death of a police officer in the United States. We couldn’t think of any, but, let me take a look… and all the ones that I could find, there could have been more, weren’t on US soil. It was in the 1990’s that this started to happen.

Now, if you think back to the 90’s, I keep thinking it was like, 10 years ago, and it’s a lot more than that in reality. What can I say, I am child of that decade. I remember things happening and not really understanding the gravity of what it was until many years later. In 1993, there was bomb set off in the parking garage of the one of the Twin Towers. I can remember watching Peter Jennings as his calm deep voice would give me the news of the day, I had such a crush on him, who wouldn’t though? I can see the images in my head still of people coming out the building covered in concrete ash. They were coughing and it was a nasty site. I didn’t realize at the time that it was a terrorist attack. I knew what it was, but, at my age, I wasn’t old enough to really grasp the somberness of the situation. And then more things started to happen. More run ins with bombings in building and out in public. The federal building in Oklahoma was blown up in 1995. I was a few years older and I could see how bad this was. The very next year, there was a bombing at the Olympics in Atlanta. Thinking about it now, still makes tears start to well up in my eyes. And then we got to have a serial bomber send people packages that blew up and he did that for the better part of two decades. I could actually go on for a while about all the times since the 90’s that I have seen headlines about people dying in the country in mass shootings, protests, movie theaters, concerts, and our most vulnerable, schools. And while that would be a lovely dive into my thoughts on what we can do to do better, that’s not what I wanted to focus on.

My country has seen it’s fair share of radicals trying to destroy us from the outside. When the towers fell, I was 21, almost 22. I was in the United States Navy, I was in school, learning about lube oil purifiers. I knew in that instant, life was going to change. I had no way of knowing what was to come for me, but, I knew that being in the military, life as I knew it, in the blink of an eye, changed forever. This was the most earth shattering thing for me. That was scary, and I’m grateful I had sister there with me. No, I want to focus on the ones that came from within. The ones who say how much they love America.

Now, back to yesterday… that sounds funny doesn’t it 🙂 … I had no idea that there was anything going on recently. For whatever reason, I haven’t seen a lot of things on social media lately, so I was a bit late to the game about it. My boss was the one who told me about anything going on. It was when he came back from lunch and walked over to my desk and let me know that the capital building had been broken into. I was shocked. And since it was my early day, as I was trying to leave for the day, I was given the opportunity to talk to a woman for a good long while. I think she’s pretty awesome. And then she told me that she thought that this election was completely rigged and 45 won and there just couldn’t be any way that he would have lost. She had two grandkids who were there, she seemed jealous of them. My heart sank. I have a hard time with that one. So, I leave and put on Pandora, the 80’s alternative station. I was totally jamming out and loving it. Got home, and was glad to be there. Walked myself on up the stairs and Thomas has the news on live from a station out of L.A. They were showing photos of the destruction and videos of people wandering around as the bottom of the screen had a thing saying a 6pm curfew is in effect in Washington D.C. Odd. And then they started showing the videos of earlier in the day. The members of Congress and the Senate being taken out of the building through different staircases. Evacuated from their place of work and ordered to shelter in place. Almost like school children are rushed out of a building when there is an active shooter.. Fun Fact.. Most kids in this country have had Active Shooter drills at their schools because you never know when there is going to be a kid with their parent’s semi-automatic weapon that wasn’t locked up decide to take out their frustrations on their fellow students because life is hard and fuck this place, I’m taking everyone down with me manifesto kind of people. I hope during the next year or two, they will give some serious thought to changing the laws regarding guns. Maybe now that they know what it feels like to have that fear run through your veins, they can be empathic to the kids that have to do that drill to help them not get killed when it does happen… I digress… where was I?….. Watching the news reels of the events of the day. I stood there, still as can be, my hands pressed to my lips, eyes wide in shock, tears running down my face. I felt sucker punched, right to the gut. And then it felt like I was getting kicked in the gut over and over again. Wow.

Shock and disbelief is the best way to describe the emotions that I felt in the moment. My head was swirling and in a mess. Today, I tried to go run and it didn’t work. I posted my feelings on my social media, Instagram and one of my running groups. And then I got ready for work. My heart was heavy and I had a lot to say. I cried durning my run this morning. I let the tears flow as best as I could. I let them go some more today at lunch when I got a message that my post was removed from the running group. I knew I took a chance by putting my feelings into words. I was grateful for the kindness of the admin person who was super awesome. I never got to see the reaction to it, but, it could have been bad. I suspect that it was bad enough. I felt personally attacked, but, I didn’t have to actually read what others may or may not have said. It’s all just a gamble to me. And it could have been taken down before much was noticed. Who knows. I don’t right now. I’m ok with that, really. I have a hard time with online attacks, it’s not my best platform for trying to do debates. I would much rather get together with someone and talk to them in person, over a phone call, or whatever. I’m just not an internet arguing kind of person.

Anyhow, the point I was trying to make, very slowly, was that all of these things have hurt us. We have all felt the pain of an attack on our country. I would say many of us, but, then I realize not everyone is old enough to remember what it was like when the Federal building went down. It was more that the attacks had come from one of our own, one of our citizens, who was so upset with the way things were going, they decided they needed to make some changes. It’s like being stabbed in the back. We were unsuspecting fools to think it wouldn’t happen to us, but it did.

Yesterday was a far worse attack. Why do I say this? How can I compare this to Oklahoma? It’s nothing like that, and you’re right, to an extent, but let me continue. Yesterday, I got to see people who claim to be patriots of our country, the ones who say protesting and kneeling at a football game, silently, during the National Anthem, is disrespectful of the military, break through the doors of the very building that represents the law making part of our country and disrespect every military personnel, every veteran who ever put on that uniform, all of them, living and deceased. I saw the ones who claim that they are god fearing good christians act like shameful thugs and shit all over everything the military stands for. We took an oath of office to protect this country from all terrorist, foreign AND DOMESTIC. And what I saw yesterday was exactly that. They brought a confederate flag into that building, a flag from a group of people who LOST THE FUCKING WAR, into our most scared of places.

And those officers, wow. They didn’t seem to be prepared for any of this. Golly… When the protest for the Black Lives Matter was going on, the National Guard was called out and used lots of different way to subdue the crowd, including, but not limited to tear gas, and rubber bullets. People died in those riots. And the protests were over the disproportionate deaths of black men by the police. What’s really going to wet your noodle is know that if this was a group of black men, they would have been shot, a lot of them, brute force would have been used, and it wouldn’t have been the escorting out the building with no one in cuffs that was seen yesterday. Why was it so different? These people who took the building this week were white. You got it. A bunch of white people, who were incited by the president of this country to take back the vote, fight if you need, don’t give up without a fight, trial by combat, blah blah blah.

You know what this feels like to me. Well, first, work wasn’t as fun as I would have liked, given the day. I was relieved that none of my customers wanted to talk about today. And if they did, they didn’t say anything to me about it. At lunch, when I got the message from the admin lady, I was heartbroken. The place that I feel the safest to post about how I feel in life and getting though life, and it was taken down. I get it. But, I felt like a little kid getting in trouble for taking a chance and doing something that you might get in trouble for, but you might not. Today was a not. I was devastated, but, I was able to cry a bit more and that felt so much better. I got to talk to another cool person that I work with, and he was fun to talk to. Got back from lunch and felt better. I was still uptight, and I just put on my happy face and kept trying. On my way to and from work today, I changed the station on Pandora to U2 station and it was like it knew I needed that. They could read my mind. On the way home, it played The Rolling Stones, You Can’t Always Get What You Want, and then I started to think about the movie Hedwig and the Angry Inch the part where he’s talking about an essay he did for college, entitled, You, Cunt, Always Get What You Want. I giggled at thinking about that line. Always made me laugh. The last song on the way home with Pink Floyd’s Hey You, from The Wall. Now it’s one of my favorite albums, The Wall. I was given it the first time as a gift from my sister Colleen. She wrapped it in Starbucks napkins, and duct tape. Best gift! I listened to it for year. Today, while thinking on the lyrics, the closing lines of the song are, Together we stand, divided we fall. How true they are.

April 6, 2021

It’s been 4 months since the attack on the capital and there has been a lot that has happened. Including, but not limited to, a birthday present for Kelsie, already arrived, Hanna had her baby, Kim had her baby, My little friend is 8 months old.. He’s so sweet and cute and tiny. I set out to finish the David Goggins 4x4x48 challenge in March and completed it!! I’m actually wearing the shirt right now, but, it’s dinner time right now, BRB…. So I get downstairs and Thomas asks what I’m doing. I said you told me dinner would be ready in 15 minutes, so I’m down here. He smile and says, 5 minutes Turkish… I brought the computer downstairs instead 🙂

Other notable things that have happened since that day 4 months ago, another officer was killed at the capital buildings this week. Had a car drove into him. I swear this place resembles a battlefield more and more to my mind. I am heartbroken over the politics of it, of which I don’t even want to go into. Instead, let’s talk about the coolest thing to happen this year is that the Boston Marathon opened up for a virtual race in October for the marathon. It is only open for 70,000 people and wouldn’t you know it, I fucking signed up!!! Hells yes, I’m excited. I don’t think that at this point in my life I am going to qualify with the time. Not to say that I won’t do that, but, that’s not a priority right now. Once it’s something I set my mind to doing, I am going to bust my ass to get there and dammit, I will make it on my own merit, but, that’s not right now. I am so over the moon about it. I haven’t talked about it on social media much about it, but, I am now. I am going to run the Boston Marathon this year, on my birthday. I won’t get the medal as soon as I cross the line, but, I will getting it done.

I am thinking more and more about the route I want to take when it comes to this. I live at 6800 feet above sea level and am trying to figure out what do I want to do. I will have to plan this out, train, work hard over the summer and make it happen. I am not a huge fan of running in the summer. I tend to whine about it a lot more than I should. I can still run, and for that I’m very grateful. I have done a walk with the dog yesterday and today. I need to get myself up earlier so I can actually get a good run in daily. I love how good I feel after I finish running. I think this means that there is going to be a big change in the way that I eat. I have no choice in that. I need to treat myself more like an athlete. Feed it better food. Take care of it more.

I have been getting a little more sleep in the last week or two or three. I have found that I love getting 8 hours of sleep at night. It feels amazing. I would love to get to bed earlier so I can get 8 hours and get up and go run 6 miles. That would mean going to bed a lot earlier… And then I wonder what if I went after dinner? Wait about 2 hours and then go run. That way I could come home and stretch and shower and go to sleep.. But the dog wakes me up in the morning, so, that doesn’t work either. Who knows, I will figure it out. I will just have to find a career in writing and running and making a better hat for women runners.

So, that’s where I am now. Training for Boston. I also signed up for the Pat Tillman run that I will also do as a virtual race. I am looking forward to doing in person running races again. Dinner is ready now… BRB

Oh that was delicious. Grilled chicken and peppers and baby potatoes. No, I couldn’t eat it all. It was so good. After dinner, Thomas asked me to grab something from the gas station so I went. I walked up and down the candy, giggling to myself thinking, yeah, some athlete. I settled for a mango apple bar called That’s It. It just has an apple and a mango. I left them in the car for tomorrow. They will make for a great breakfast. I feel like being able to take on this marathon is big deal and it’s going to be won with the everyday battles I have with food and working out and taking proper care of myself. I will have to change the way I think about food altogether I think. Who knows. Maybe I will have more on this next week. Maybe I will make more sense next. Or, better yet, I will eat a bowl of ice cream and savor the rich chocolate flavors and smile at my day, give thanks for the wonder and beauty of my life, and go to bed happy. Again, who knows. Peace ~

After the Race

I did it. I managed to run, more or less, a full 26.2 miles in the blazing Phoenix sun. The sun burn that I’m sporting right now is a lovely shade of fire engine red. Both my face and my shoulders were exposed and though I know better, I didn’t have sunblock on. I think I like the pain of it. Reminds me that I’m still alive and vulnerable to the rays of our star… Our star. The sun, so many amazing stories revolve around the sun and the Sun God(s).

I knew this wasn’t going to be an easy feat for me. I know that my pace is slow, I would venture to say a turtle pace. In fact I got a vision of the tortoise and the hare in my head as I was running. For the weeks leading up to the race, I had fallen victim to a slightly pulled muscle. I had taken care to not overdo it and hope that in the end, I would prevail as I always tend to. Once I was able to run again, I was coming up to running my first race of the year. The Arizona Rock ‘N’ Roll Series. I like that it’s big, and there are so many people who are there running together. I had got to the valley on a Thursday and I was pretty excited. However, it didn’t go as planned. To begin with, I had a very bad night’s sleep. I have never slept on a foam mattress pad, and I can honestly say that I really don’t wish to do so again. It was the beginning. Went for a walk to shake things out a bit and I was shredded. I looked like shit. Took a shower to get the blood flowing and got dressed. Went to Walgreens because they have my allergy meds that I like and I forgot to bring mine down. I had the little one with me, and, well, to make a long story a tiny bit shorter, I got sick. I ran the 5k with my little goose and then went to my sister’s house and went to bed. Until the next morning when my baby is telling me she can’t do it without me and I told her of course you can. You are stronger than you know.

She was such a trooper. Ran her race like a boss. And then I went home. I spent the next two days in bed out of work, and then next week or so trying to get all the shit out of my lungs, ineffectively I might add too. My last long run before the marathon was 8 miles. I was spent after that. Clearly the illness had not really let me out of its clutches. I was nervous. This was a major thing that I had trained for, which, I really could have done so much better than what I did, and I was spent after 8 miles.

I got down to the valley, again, on a Thursday and this time, I was in a bed that I could sleep in. Went for a little run in the morning, felt pretty good. Then the morning didn’t go as well as I wanted it to. Argued with my best friend for a little while, and then we got through it, but, for those few hours, it stressed me out like no other. I hate when we argue, but, we are people who live together, and eat and sleep and hang out together, so, it’s bound to happen that we see shit differently. And we do, and it was made known. The day went on, and while I was doing better in my head, my head was not in the game of what it needed to be. Got back to my sisters house and we made a dynamite dinner of pasta and meat sauce with spinach and artichoke heart dip with sour dough bread. I was in heaven with the food. So much goodness right there. Around 8 pm, I excused myself to the room and began to make sure all was ready for the race. My clothes were laid out with care. My fuel in the bag, my water in the bottles ready to go. I was set. Got into bed, and was able to sleep a solid 5.5 hours.

Game face time. 3 hours until start time. I had to be up and out the door, to be at the bus loading zone before 4.15 am. Ok, I can do this. I managed to get myself up and ready and out the door on time. My husband was dropping me off, so he stopped and we got some coffee and then I drove to where he was going to drop me off. He was going too slow for me.

In only a few races I have done, I have been with someone or run with a friend. It’s not like running by myself is a new thing. And yet, when I got onto the bus, I realized how alone I felt. Not lonely, I don’t mind being by myself, but, for the first time in a long time, I felt alone. Maybe it was fear or nerves, but, it was a distinct feeling. One that makes me not want to be around others and that feeling stayed with me until I relaxed into the run, around mile 3. I knew others from my different running groups were going to be there and though I don’t feel very welcomed by them, it would have been a bit easier to see a familiar face. I want to feel welcomed though. I often wonder if it because I live so far away and because I don’t do a race every weekend. I come down, once, maybe twice a year for a race, so, I can see where it would have some overlook that I was going to be there. Anyhow, more of that later…

Sunrise, as it’s just starting to peak out

They national anthem is belted out by a 12 year old who sounded amazing!! They lit fireworks for it, I was stunned to be honest. How fucking cool is that? And then it’s time to go. So many runners go by, I tried to start in the back of the pack, and yet, I was so far behind the vast majority of the other runners. The miles came easy. I was so happy to have found my stride, I felt like I was trucking along and things were going my way. I was so loving the music and the view! My goodness, I thought. The desert, though not for everyone, has a certain beauty to it. And then I have a vision of Peter O’Toole, in Lawerence of Arabia, when asked why does he like the desert. Because it’s clean was his response and he’s right. It has beauty all of it’s own, and it’s clean with it’s wild dark purples and bright orange sunlight. Quite stunning really, and the photos don’t do it justice. I remember thinking about how I was looking at the full moon on one side of me and then sunrise on the other side of me and I love when I get to see that. It’s magical really.

Nearly a full moon going down on the other side of the road

I’m feeling good at this point. Mile 5, 6, 7, 8 just keep trucking along at a good respectable pace. And then I notice that my body is not as full of energy as it once was earlier this morning. I keep going and about mile 15, the desert sun starts to take it’s toll on me, and my speed feels like it slows to a crawl. I am always so impressed by so many kinds of people who run. I watch them as they pass by me, noting the way their bodies move and I can see where they are hurting at that time. And then I had a man pass me. He was a kidney and liver donor. He was holding his side as though he was in such pain, and he passed me. I kept trying to overtake him, and I just couldn’t. It was then that my heart started to realize that I might not make the time that I had aimed for, despite having a goal of just finishing to begin with.

I don’t remember when it started but, once I was told that I had to run on the sidewalks and use the street lights and oh by the way, the course is now having all the aid stations packed up and gone, and to make it even more challenging, they are moving all the traffic cones and the course is not really marked anymore, I nearly cried. I looked at my watch, 4 hours 11 minutes since start time, I had nearly 10 miles to go…FUCK!!!!! I press on, not going to let this get to me. But, inside, I was bummed. I kept thinking about how runners say you hit the wall at 20 miles. I remember asking someone about it. He said, there is no wall. Which, again, took my mind to another movie, this time The Matrix. It’s the scene where Neo goes to see the oracle for the first time and he talking to the boy about how to make the spoon bend, the kid tells him, there is no spoon. I thought of that. There is no wall. And so I kept trucking along. By the time I hit 6 hours, I was still almost a full 5k from the finish. I hadn’t pooped at all that day, so I kept thinking don’t trust a fart over mile 20. I had the chance to use the porti-potty and with the amount of work I would have to do just to sit down, I said fuck it, I can hold it.

I was about two miles from the finish, I saw my uncle walking across the street to walk with me for a minute. I had seen my husband and daughter twice on the course and their support cannot be understated here. I am so grateful for the love and support and encouragement that they gave me through the whole process of this and out on the course. I was so glad to see their friendly faces durning the run. I was cheered for by my name by the group of folks he was with and that made me smile so hard. He walked with me a iittle way and I was so happy to see him. I cracked on and got a move on. I was so close now.

I had to stop a few times and check the map to see where the fuck I was supposed to go to find the finish line. Down to the light and cross the street and you’re in the home stretch. However, with traffic now using the roads, including a round about to get to the finish line, I was feeling a little lost still.. I could see the finish line but, there wasn’t anything to point the way. My husband ran with me to the finish line and I thought I would cry when I finished and I didn’t. A nice young man named Mitchell handed me a medal and a towel and said you did it. You finished. There was no one there anymore. I had missed the time cut off. And wow, what a difference that would make, I should think. I asked for directions to find my gear, and had to wait for traffic to move so I could get one decent photo of me in front of the finisher banner. There was minimal shouting, from the same group that stood and waiting with my uncle, but, aside from them and my husband and my daughter, I felt like an empty victory. I had worked so hard to finish this. I had wanted to finish it in the 6 hours and couldn’t. I finished in 6:55:19… almost a full hour off the mark. I was devastated. Ok. So, I missed the time limit, big deal, not like I wanted to see anyone else that day, but whatever. I don’t have an official time, I missed out on all the after events and my pride has been a bit bruised, but I will get over it.

Later in the day, I see on social media that not only was most of my running group there that I talked to about me being there, but, they had a big after party. That’s when the feeling of being so small really hit me. I felt like I had just finished this big thing that others in my running group seem to think is a huge accomplishment, and when I do it, it’s like who cares? I cried. I have a hard time living in a small town that keeps me from being able to join others in celebration of all of our endeavors. I felt like not even an outcast, just like the kid who tries really hard to be friendly with the other kids, but, is still not good enough for them for whatever reason.

I have a hard time with making friends. I want to have them, but, I have a hard time putting myself out there for others to be able to reciprocate. I need better friends to start with, and while I know that it’s all in my head, and life really isn’t like that, in fact, I”m sure that most of these people aren’t like that at all, it’s just me thinking it has something to do with me, since I am the common denominator. But, life isn’t always about me. And it’s not always about what I want to do and what do I get out of something. Life is so much bigger than that. If have to remind others of my existence, then I really don’t want to have to deal with them. I had hoped that one day, I would have these great friends that I see in the running groups, all hanging out together. I realize, that’s not everyone’s reality. I wanted so badly to feel like I belonged to a group and I still don’t. I wanted them to like me. I am just going to be grateful for the friends that I do have and maybe instead of making friends wtih others, I should instead, just be happy with being where I am. On the outside of it. Still happy for other’s successes and wins in life and sad when the hard times come.

It was a hard run. I am grateful for what I can take away from this and hopefully utilize that in training for the next race. So that means no more getting sick or hurt. And training will be different. I shall do my best. I have another two races planned this year, you can bet it’s going to be a lot different this time around.

……

I don’t want to say that I have been left out of something, I realize most of the problems I have with my online friends is that I make something of nothing. I just see things differently than most and I am trying to understand the world doesn’t revolve around me. I find the latter hard sometimes. I get so caught up in my whole world that I forget others have things on their minds too. It’s all good. Tomorrow is a new day.. with any luck, I snow day at that 🙂