Three Weeks Post Death

It’s inevitable. We all die. No one gets out of this life alive. My dad used to make jokes about it like, when I die I want to go like my grandfather; peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car. Or another thing he used to say was everyone is dying to get to the cemetery. Stupid jokes of course but they used to make me laugh.

There has been such an outpouring of love and support from everyone. All over the country, all over the state and even from the Pacific Ocean… that would be my little sister who was on deployment. He work led as a fire fighter for more than 20 years. All of them from the time I was in high school on. In fact he didn’t go full time at the department until it became a full time opportunity. Before that, they had a day crew and then volunteers for nights and weekends. I used to go to the station and watch Bevis and Butthead with him because we don’t have MTV at home. And I was told no I couldn’t watch it at home.

I try to see that death isn’t the end of life, it’s just another stage of it. I’m not worried about his soul, I’ll leave that to others, I just know that he’s ok. He’s safe and now he gets to be part of my life only in my memories. I’ve listened to his voicemail a few times and watched old videos of him and the kids just to hear his voice. To hear him laugh again. He always had a smile on his face and when he walked into a room he lit it up with his endless energy.

Of course as his child I knew him differently than coworkers. Growing up he was out of town a lot working. That started about the time I turned 7 or so and lasted until the year or two following my high school graduation. Not always out of town but working for the state took him to a lot of places. He worked in Prescott while we lived in Kingman, and then once my mom’s job took us to Pinetop, it took a month or two before he could get transferred to their Show Low office. I still drive by it and think of him being there. He worked as natural resource department clearing trees and other bits of shrubbery from the shoulder of the road. It was after this particular job with the state that he got on with the fire department full time. And boy did he love that!

Personally, I’m not a blood and guts kind of kid. I don’t want to see things coming out of your body that is supposed to be safely inside the body. So I know my calling isn’t the same as his, but he had so much fun with it. Yes, there will be calls that I remember him being on and the way it took a toll on his mind and his heart. He said the first day he ever worked after getting his EMT license was a suicide that didn’t work. After many years of seeing that exact kind of call he would say they should offer a class called suicide: doing it right the first time. Yes, terrible I know but anyone who I’ve met since then who has worked as an ER person or EMT/ Paramedic, they will agree. It’s gut wrenching to see that so many try and fail and in that process alter the trajectory of their whole life. Good bad or otherwise. And just to be clear, suicide isn’t something to joke about but you have to make light of it or the job will put you in therapy for life. There were countless car collisions that he cleaned up dead bodies off the road and that would gut him completely. It takes a special kind to do this job. And I’ve only known a two that I grew up with who have taken on that job as well.

In trying to cope with it, I’ve gone back to work (as if I could just not go 😑) it’s good to have something to take my mind off of the obvious. I have a great support system who is working with me to help me with anything I need. I am grateful for my coworkers, they are pretty amazing.

Few days later…

Was driving around town doing stuff and things hanging out with the kids. There was a truck that pulls up to us, we’re driving the same speed and he pulls ahead and I look over and see the load of wood. Do you ever know when it’s the last time you do something like that with them? Like I never knew it would be the last time to hug my dad when I did. I’ll never be able to go get a cord of wood with him either. What hurts is the not knowing it was going to be the last time I got to hug him. It was the last time I got to say I love you daddy. And yes. I still called him daddy. When I wasn’t calling him Kelly. There are no more birthday party with my mom. No more Christmas seasons we take a full day to have his birthday. No more laughs. Fuck!! This fucking sucks!

I don’t know how my sisters are handling this. I know that I have to keep going and I have to keep doing my thing. Keep working. Keep living. Just keep livin. I imagine everyone who has lost their father, or people who have a close relationship with their fathers, all go through this. That feeling like your compass star has disappeared, like your lost on the ocean, dead in the water. And that ocean, well, it never stops. The waves just keep coming at you. I know eventually I will move through what I will consider the hardest part, but not now. Not today, certainly not this year. Not likely I’ll ever really get to the point when I don’t cry thinking about it. Maybe one day I’ll stop seeing him in his chair dead. Maybe one day that day will stop playing in my head over and over again. But not today.

Today, or tonight rather, I shall put on my favorite Christmas movie and watch George C. Scott portray Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge, and be sad. Sad that I don’t get to hear my dad laugh again. Sad that I can’t hear him telling his grandkids to put stuff away or to come play. He’s not going to show me whatever cool thing he’s got going on in the barn. And I’m never going to be the same person I was when I was with him. Because only he could bring that out on me.

I used to cut his mustache. We would go outside on the back deck, weather permitting of course. It would take me nearly an hour to do his face, get the old man hairs out from his ears and his eyebrows and do some basic trimming on his hair. I would take a gummy before hand and we would listen to classic rock and laugh together. I will miss that.

And with life throwing more curve balls than I can hit I’m starting to unravel it feels like. I know Piper is worried about me but I wish she wouldn’t. I know life will go on and things will change, it’s inevitable. Life is change. But for now, I will do my best to just keep livin. It’s not like I can take days and be knocked out for many at a time. That’s not reality. Reality is going to sleep and not knowing if I will wake up at 2 or 3 and not be able to go back to sleep. Reality is getting up with heavy feet and go running. I’m still debating my running to honor him. I want to set up a certain distance, 6.9 km. Equals about the distance of running around the lake daily. I think I may do it. Or at least make the commitment to do it. But right now I’m still not able to commit to much of anything.

If you have read this far, dear reader, I do appreciate it. I’m not doing well right now but life changes frequently and so I know this is but a fragment of time in my life that I will be feeling like this. I know that his memory will be honored and that he won’t be easily forgotten by me, my sisters or my mom, or my community. He was kind of a big deal in the community. He was my hero. I think Kelsie said it best. He had a way of making you feel like you could do anything. Which is why my girls will be heading to school soon to train to become fire fighters and EMT’s. He would have been so damn proud. 🥲

And now I shall rest some. It’s been a long day that has been very loud. I’m going to braid my hair and head to bed. Good night~

Adding Weights

I was thinking about my running lately and the lack thereof. Also of my writing and the lack thereof as well. I have noticed that my leg is starting to not feel great and was sore a lot more than it had been. So I thought about it, and after watching a video on social media, where I don’t know, that had someone talking about not feeling like doing something like a run, it cut to a video of David Goggins saying “Fuck your feelings!!”. That gave me pause.

Big springs. The beaver was out checking his house

I have been saying that I wasn’t feeling it for a long time now, and seeing that made me realize that yeah, fuck my feelings. I needed that wake up call. I can’t say that since that time, all of a week, I have changed my life and mended my ways and now I am just killing it. Not quite.

I have saved tons of videos of abs moves I can do to help with the midsection as well as my back. I thought, I can add a few of those to my leg exercises. So I have. I thought I would start slow, so I’m only up to two sets of ten for each exercise, and I’m still pretty sore from the ab work, but, I put on pants today that were a little too tight two weeks ago. I can’t say that I’m seeing results already, but that would be nice. I did not however, go out for a run this morning with the dog. I got up later than I had planned. Which isn’t a big deal, it’s what it is.

Working on my abs is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I thought for sure they wouldn’t hurt this bad for so long, and I keep forgetting that when you stop doing things, when you start them again, things are sore and hurt for a while. I tried to run on the treadmill this weekend for my run on Sunday, and that gave me shin splints. So, I decided to go to the pool and do laps instead, and that was lovely. The water was cool, but not cold and then I sat in the hot tub with a very nice couple from New Jersey. It was a very good morning for me.

I am less than a week from starting but I am loving how my body is responding to it. Now the hard part is not eating a ton of cookies before bed time. I will go with my golden milk instead, which is far more filling and a shit load better for me. Tumiric is an anti-inflammatory that is activated with black pepper, so those are in it, as well as ginger, cinnamon and cardamon. I love Cardamon. I use that in my coffee daily, take the bitterness out of it. Thomas taught me that 🥰

I can say that I have taken some beautiful shots of the sunrise the last week.. Week, I say week, it’s been like 6 days. I’m a huge fan of the sunrise. I suppose it’s because I have been getting up early since forever and so I naturally just get up early. I would love to be retired and just sleep until the dog jumps on me to get up.. Which is around 6, but that’s sleeping in for sure. Of course, I am exhausted by the time 8 pm rolls around and want nothing more than to fall asleep, but that’s not the point. Might as well make the most of the time that I have when I am awake. I feel like I should get up when the alarm goes off.. at 4.30, but I tend to hit stop and then the alarm goes off at 4.42 and then I get up.. I need to be up earlier to ensure I get the run in. That’s the favorite part of the day. It’s still summer out so doing an evening run with the dog isn’t going to be a thing for a few months.

Being retired. I want to be retired. I want to sleep in, and drink coffee slowly while sitting on the porch swinging and watching the birds come and go, watching the squirrels come and go. Watch the sun come up and feel the warmth of the rays as they wash over me. Take a deep breath, and close my eyes and just relax. It’s all good. Moving slow and stretching and then running. How far depends on what day it is, or if I’m training for a race (which would indicated how far on what days, so that’s a redundant statement, but I’m going to leave it in, for the fun of it). Finishing the run and then stretching again, maybe spoiling myself with an ice cold hard cider afterwards. It’s apple juice, right? Sure helps with the poo. Can’t be that bad then 😉😁

I haven’t made any goals since deciding to do this again. I mean I want to lose weight but I feel like that goes without saying. I have simply looked at the things I am doing and trying to do better. Be determined to finish something. Like making curtains for the van.. Or finishing Kelsie’s skirt. Or anything else that I have started and never finished. I saw a documentary yesterday called The Shoemakers Dreams.. Loved that!! Any movie about shoes is all for me. I love shoes, wish they were more comfortable to wear though. This man, the one the show was about, invented the wedge heel. Genius if you ask me!! In it, he said, stay determined, no matter how much you want to quit. That kind of struck me as well… So fuck my feelings and stay determined. Guess that is how I will accomplish my desire, don’t stop until I’m done. I want to get to a comfortable size 8 in pants.. Not sure what the circumference of those would be, but, that’s where I would like to be. I want to have a fit looking body, but not just fit looking, actually fit. I added weights to my routine to help with this.

Nothing fancy, I’m using a 5 pound weight and doing simple moves with them, but, they are effective. They will go up in size as the time goes by, but, for now, it’s where I am.

I’m sure there are deer in there… somewhere

A week later:

I have still been doing my stuff. I’m actually kind of excited about it. I want to move up to 8 pound weights. I only have 10. Looks like tomorrow we will be doing 10 pounds for the weights.

I have twice felt like eating red vines for a snack and went for grapes instead. Eating salsa like it going out of style. I can’t help it. It’s fresh weekly at my house. Plus it keeps me pooping regular. 😁💩

I was bad and had drinks this weekend. Last night beer. A Kilt Lifter. The night before rum. Why? Well. Yesterday Little Gotro was driving so I had a beer. I don’t usually do those ones either, I like my hard ciders. But I wanted something on tap. The night before I had a rough day. I knew something small was going to set me off and then something did. And I knew I would milk it and let it piss me off and I did. So I had some rum and pineapple soaked in coconut water. So damn good. Then some rum and strawberries. Again. So good!! Am I angry with myself for not having a good food day? No. It’s not the end of the world. I might drink this coming weekend too but that because my little goose is leaving again. Let’s not talk about that one.

High Mountain Half race.. yesterday morning

How is the weights doing for me so far? Well, dear reader I am pleased to say that my pants are fitting better. In fact, I’ve been able to wear a size ten pants twice this week and not feeling like they are too tight. Work in progress is the best I got for you.

Will keep you posted on the weights thing. I think I could be onto something. Fuck my feeling indeed. Just do it.

Happy week friends.

Morning Stretching

Since my most recent injury, the knee, I have learned that when it comes to things, stretching may be the thing that I need. Ugh!!

As a runner, I know that stretching after a run feels amazing. A good long run, a long stretch session, hot shower and I feel like a million bucks! I know that I should stretch before running too. Therein lies the problem. I like to run in the morning. Before work which I have to be there by 7. So in order for me to get up on time and get a good run in, I have to be up and out the door before 5-515 depending on the distance. This means for me to be up and ready to get out the door I have to be up and moving by 4.30. And I can totally do that. I’m so down for that. But then, adding in the injury to the equation is where I’m having the problem. I have to now be up and stretching actively by 4.15. And for me I don’t get dressed to do my stretches in the morning so one would think that it would go faster. It doesn’t.

This morning, I had my alarm go off at 4.15. It does this daily. And then at 4.30 my phone wakes up. And then at 4.42 the alarm goes off again to get me out of bed. And then, as a last one, the alarm goes off at 5.15. If I haven’t gotten out of bed by then, it’s when I will get up. I don’t quite understand the issue I’m having these days. I want to go out and do more miles but something inside me is keeping me from it and I am not liking this. Stupid knee!

The worst part isn’t that I don’t get up, it’s that my beautiful girl thinks I hate her and I don’t want to take her out anymore. And that couldn’t end further from the truth. But she’s not always up for going out and doing the run that I want to do. I keep thinking I’ll find a solution but I have yet to come up with one. In my mind I keep thinking I’ll get up and take the dog for a nice walk. She’s not up for a lot of running these days but we can swing two miles in the morning. And then when I get home from work, change, stretch and then do my long runs. In my mind this works perfectly. If it wasn’t for all the things that have to get done when I get home. Like putting the clothes away, doing my language lesson, writing once in a while, check spelling, make sure the kids are safe while playing and do anything that Thomas might need help with. Then dinner, dishes, and take five minutes for myself.

I feel like these are all excuses but for me it’s not an excuse. I know that the time I have in the morning is likely the only time I will have for myself all day. And I know that my relationship with time needs some work (stupid ADHD), but it feels like there is t enough time to get it all done, every day. I miss so many things and I miss the sunrise. I will work on this week and check back in. Who knows, maybe something wonderful will happen and I can manage my time much better with less worry.

Buried under inches of snow the day before

Alright… time to start the day…

Sunday before the walk… looks like a spider died on my head 🕷️

The Ides Of March

15March2024

If you are not aware, the Ides of March are a special day for all of us. The day changed how our modern world operates and how we can be so cruel and yet survive to see another day. In the year 44 BCE, our friend to Rome, Julius Cesar was stabbed to death, by his friends. They feared he was going to be a king and that simply could not happen. The last to stick a knife in him was Brutus. Rumor has it that he may have been Cesar’s illegitimate son. And he had been forgiven by Cesar for trying to fight him on the battlefield. The show Rome was a great adaptation of the whole thing. However, not to overshadow the killing thing, Cesar had brought together Rome and the people. They loved him. This changed how our now modern world works. This was also the day that my husband and I decided on for our anniversary. Why did I have to decide what day it was? The first year together came around and neither of us could put a finger on the exact date so we went with the Ides of March.

That was March 15. It’s now April. I think April fools day was not so great for me. I dropped my breakfast shake and it went all over the counter, got to work pissed off because I couldn’t make another one, that was the last of the fresh fruit. No toast for me either as I needed to be walking out the door, I’m grateful Thomas was there and he cleaned it up. Had sausage and crackers for breakfast. Decided I needed some more coffee. Had to hit up Walmart for it. Got there and there was no almond coffee creamer. Like none at all. Motherfuckers!! Opted for some Lemonade with blueberries. One of my most favorite flavors together. And through all of that, I’m sitting at my desk sneezing like crazy. Something is setting off my allergies really bad. I also bought some Ben & Jerry’s for lunch. Got done with lunch and went back to my office. Misty came in and she was kind enough to give me some Sudafed. I then asked my boss if it would be ok if I left early. She didn’t get back with me until about thirty minutes before I left. I ended up leaving 12 minutes early.

Got home and I knew Kelsie and the kids were going to be over so I got home and they were doing quiet time. I love being around Kelsie. She’s such a sweet and kind person. She’s a great kid! We went to the bank to get some cash and when we got back it was time to clean up and go home. So instead of crawling into bed like I had wanted, I went downstairs and helped and hugged and said farewell for the day. Sat down on the little love seat. Thomas and I stared at the TV. 📺 Willy Wonka was on. Both of us snuggled down on our respective couches and slept. For three hours. Wow I needed that. When I woke up, the movies home screen was on and playing the music to one of the songs was playing. The one about no place like pure imagination. Yeah. The one Gene Wilder sings.

Got back upstairs and crawled into bed again. I was out before ten. What a day! As for getting anything done, I did run the day before. And let me tell you I got home from my 4.69 miles and within minutes of being home it began to sprinkle. And then it rained most of the day until it started snowing. And it dumped six inches of fresh snow on the ground. I love that! Thomas and I went for a drive that night just to go and see. It was beautiful.

As for forward progress, it’s moving at a much slower rate than what I want it to happen. With the kids over so much I haven’t really taken my sewing machine out to do anything. And I had to purchase a new one!! I’m still going over all the stitches but I’m loving it a great deal.

For my running I’ll admit that yesterday didn’t happen. Miles are increasing monthly so that’s a bonus. I had hoped for a hundred mile month for at least ten months this year. Maybe I can hit 9 months of the year and just pick up extra all that I can. I’m currently sitting at just over 200km for the year. I want to hit 1024 and make my challenge goal. Would love to hit it long before that because that’s only 612 miles. I wanted to hit 1000 miles this year. I can still make it. Just need to get up and go in the mornings. And I’ve been loving sleeping in. But I miss the sunrise so it’ll be starting up again with morning runs here soon. And I’m going to want to start to do my loop again. So I’ll have to work on that a bit. Oh and I have a race/run this weekend. It’s up here at the park and it’s four laps around the park for this year’s Tilman Run. I love the shirt this year too. And it the runs 20th year. Seems like twenty years ago was lifetimes ago. Huh. 🤔 it was at least Pipers life time.

It’s weird to think of 20 years ago. We were still rebuilding as a country from the attack on the twin towers. I was still serving in the navy. So many possibilities lay in front of us all. Life was so very long ago and far away.

Anyhow. The loop is going to have to happen many times over now. I’m excited about it. I like that area. And I got new running shoes. They work well on the dirt but not as much on the asphalt. I’ll keep wearing them. But I will start doing more trails. Hoping to get more miles in this month than last. I think I need to get myself moving in that case 😁😎🤩

I’ve Been Meaning to Write| Part II

So, this is now the second installment of I’ve been meaning to write. If you recall, the first one was last year around this time. I was describing how I recently had my brother-in-law pass. Then, 6 weeks later, his sister died as well. But, I hadn’t talked to him in a really long time. And I had been meaning to write, I just hadn’t. The same was true about Bill when he passed in March of last year. The same was true when David Wayne died. And the same was true of Ed when he passed two years before. I had been meaning to write to say hello and that I thought of them, and hoped that they were well, and life was happy. That’s all I wish for my friends, I want them to be happy. But life happens and days turn into weeks into months into years and before I knew it they were gone. I couldn’t say anything to them any more. Anyhow, you get the idea.

In doing massage for the years I did, I was able to meet many people who have come and gone in my life. I have loved them as friends.. and when I say friends, I mean like the ones that you love and want to keep company with them when they are sad, and make hot cocoa for when their soul needs love.. Sometimes it’s ok to add some amaretto if you like. Or other spirits if you and they are so inclined. I have been able to spend a lot of time with them and it was my great honor to get to be apart of their lives. I hoped that they all knew how much I have valued them all.

One in particular was Ms. Sharon. She was older than me, in her 70’s when I met her 8 or 9 years ago. I think it could be longer than that actually, more like 12 years ago… Oh my. Anyhow, I would still see her after I started working at the bank, and I only stopped seeing her in the last two and half years. I would say about 6 months after I began working at the VA, I got a message from my friend that I worked with at the bank, that asked me to call Ms. Sharon. I kept thinking about calling her after it was time to go to bed, always around 9 pm. In my own opinion, it’s rude to call after certain times and before certain times, 9 at night and 8 in the morning. Or I would think about it when it was Sunday around 11 am. When she was in church. And then a few weeks went by and I started to feel bad that I hadn’t called her and then weeks turned into years. I really adored her. I got a message Saturday from her son that she had passed that week. In so many ways, she was an amazing friend. And I hadn’t called. But I really did mean to call her. For a long time I felt like I could say she was one of my best friends. I listened a lot to her talk about her kids and her life and her job and things that made her angry and how much she loved her kids and grandkids. She was a joy to me. I often thought of asking for her mailing address so I could write letters, and I never did.

In recent years, I have lost friends and I’m hurt that they ghosted me. And I did just that to a woman I loved a great deal. I thought how much I have wondered why they wouldn’t call when I couldn’t do the same for her. And I did it to all of those who I lost in recent years, including my grandmother, whose been gone nearly four years now. I have the power to do things and I spend my time sitting on my phone, not doing anything worth writing about.

And that is the point I guess. I have wasted so much time just doing nothing. And what’s really funny, if I think about it, I could have done so much with that wasted time. Oh the what if’s. All of the should have’s. I should have said something. I should have taken action and done something. A call, a letter, a word of encouragement that I should have been given. So many of those should haves. And not nearly enough of the calls to them to say hello. In moments like this, I like to think of what runners like to say. You only regret the miles you didn’t run. You only regret the things you didn’t say to them when they were alive. The I love you for being you. I’m so grateful for your friendship. I have learned so much from you. I think that I have a good many people that I need to say that to now.

I want a new care bear. I still have Friendship Bear

For the ones that have passed, there is nothing I can do for them. I can write letters to them that will never go any further than the fire that they are burned in. I can talk to them in my dreams if I’m lucky. I can talk to them while I run, but it’s never going to be good enough. I am certainly going think about all the things that will now always remain unsaid. Hopefully I won’t be making the same mistake with the other people in my life that mean anything to me.

The next day is never promised to any of us. It’s all just a guessing game of when it’s time to be done. Unless you have been given some kind of date of death, we are all just left guessing is this the day that I will leave and have a celestial passing. And at that point no one knows what the other side will be like. There is only the sadness from our regret of the things left unsaid and the times that we could have done something and should have, and didn’t.

I am not the artist. I don’t know who it is but it’s pretty

I will miss Ms. Sharon something fierce. She was such an astonishing woman. She was beautiful and survived a lot of things in life. She was a bit abrasive when you didn’t know her, but she was kind and thoughtful and generous. She loved her family so very much and was so proud of all of her kids and grandkids. I am so sad that I will never again be able to hear her voice and talk to her. I won’t be able to hug her. Maybe this year I can do something worthy of those who have passed to honor them by making sure that the people that I care about know that I do. I will have to figure out a plan on it, but I think this is a good place start for the year. For it is the year of the Dragon. The Wood Dragon in fact. I looked it up and as a Goat in that particular sign, it’s looking like it could be a rough go. I will just have to work my ass off… In fact it said that I will need to work harder this year than last too. And that there will be some ups and downs, and some good and some bad, but fear not, good things on the horizon. Also discovered that my husband and I are not compatible signs. Said that we will just need to work a little harder at it than other signs that may be together. Oh what a ride. … 😳🫣😎😎😎🤩🤩🤩

Which brings me to my last point, dear reader. I hope that your year didn’t start off with messages like that. It’s never fun beginning the year with a funeral. I hope that if you do lose loved ones this year, and really for all years, I hope that you were able to say I love you. For all of the lonely veterans that I talk to, for all of the lonely people I have talked to, I am truly sorry for my behavior. I knew that a call would always be something nice and I didn’t do it. I am going to work on doing better, I hope that you will learn from my mistakes, and tell the people that mean something to you that they do. We could all use more love in our lives. 💕❤️❤️

Anyhow, that’s all for today. I was given the idea of doing a podcast. My friend Sara said that I should do it. I have looked it up, and the equipment is where I’m not so sure where to begin. Well, that I’m not so great with editing. What would I talk about, who would I interview if at all? I was thinking about a mashup kind of thing. Maybe do something like a writing prompt i.e. what was you fondest memory of your childhood best friend and go with that.. Hmmm.. well, here I go with that one. Another idea. I still need to revise the book again and then get it out to people. Oh to publish.. What a dream come true that would be! To be heard by people who want to hear my opinion on whatever and listen to cool music. You never know what kind of a mood I’m in. Could do a once a week kind of thing.. hmmm… lots of thoughts on it.. Not much action on it so who knows. Action. That’s the name for this year. Action and actually do it. I think it’s time to stop half passing my life and put effort into the things I do. Might be a good idea. Let’s start putting ourselves into our work and working hard at it and putting effort into it. Not going through the motions to get by until tomorrow. It’s time… Good night 😎

42

I am struggling. Like big time! And while I know that I will come out of it and will be alright, things have always had a way of working out for me, it doesn’t make it any easier. It seems I have started a whole lot of stories that I wanted to share with you, dear reader, but, have not finished any of them. Twelve to be exact; That’s how many drafts of thoughts I have sitting in the hole that is my head right now.

Of the many drafts I have, there was one that was missing. It was the one that I really wanted to share with the world, and instead, got frustrated with the computer for not saving more than half of it and then just deleted it. Being open to the public is something that I crave because as the middle child I want people to see me and notice that I’m here. Yes, I have issues with my birth order and family, but, honestly, what family isn’t dysfunctional? My problem with putting myself out there for others to see is, what if they see it? I know, it’s a conundrum for sure, but, I also know that my dreams in life are sitting on the other side of that fear. I admit that I don’t like confrontation, so I won’t openly engage with nay-sayers online. I will back down if we are face to face as well, because I have a hard time standing up for myself, and those I love. Though, in recent years, I have tried a lot harder at doing just that. I’m not the best at it, but, I am a work in progress.

To help me through this time in life, I am once again turning my attention to running and writing. While my other passions are still going full force, massage and music, have taken a back burner for the time being.. They are there, just simmering right now. That being said, a while ago, in one of the running groups I’m in, the moderator asked me, what does running mean to you? In life? As a sport? I gave some response that was short, but, the more I thought about this, the more that I realized that running has been a huge part of my life for as long as I can remember. In some form or other, it’s been there, waiting for me to lace up again and again and hit the road. Let me paint you a picture….

When I was born, I had some structural problems. I had a foot completely turned to the inside, it was my left foot (Not only that, my right hip is rotated inward and when I was in massage school, it was so pronounced that we would use a rolled up face towel to lift my hip just enough to get to where my body was aligned). Until I was about 7 months old, I had to wear a metal brace to get my foot to rotate to the correct position. Think Forrest Gump’s magic legs. They would take me anywhere… Anyhow, around this time, I developed a staphylococcus infection on my heal. I didn’t wear the braces after that and with some good chiropractic care, I can say that my structure is my more sound and stable.

Much like Forrest Gump, these braces must have done something wonderful to my legs, because I could sprint and wouldn’t you know it, I was good at that. For my body size and stature, I wan’t the most likely of sprinters, but, I loved to make others watch just how good I was. However, it wasn’t until I was in 8th grade that I discovered just how good I was.

The year had started like the others, the same cliques, the same girls who were in cheer last year were in cheer this year. There was this guy that I had a huge crush on and I was certain that it would work out for us that year. But, it didn’t. Instead, he was going out with this new girl who thought she was hot shit. And she really didn’t like me. The why of that, I have yet to know, but really, I don’t care why she didn’t like me. We had P.E. together that year. First semester first period was gym class. Oh what fun, now I can smell bad all day long! Our class had gone out to do track stuff, think high jump, long jump, the mile and the 100 dash. I paired up with my friend Jenny to do the 100 dash. I had not worn proper shoes to run in a dirt track, but, at that time, I didn’t really care about that. The whistle blows and we take off. Jenny is so much taller than I am. In fact, she’s always going to be taller than me, because I didn’t get much bigger than my 8th grade self. Anyhow, I ran as fast as I could as hard as I could to get to the end of that lane. I had to wait for Jenny to catch up to me. My teacher had this shocked look on her face. She said I want you to run against Rachel next. Ugh!! I had to talk to this girl?! Fuck!! So, whatever. We get to the starting line and she’s making all sorts of stupid comments and the whistle blows again and we take off. Now, I have a hard time with what happens next, but, I was so far ahead that I didn’t see it. I had pulled away from her and was most assuredly going to beat her in this race. I was stoked!! Finally, I can make that girl eat her words. And then I hear a thud and crying. I slide to a complete stop and turn around, and as I am about to lunge toward her, my teacher is yelling for me to just finish. Run!! So I did. I set a school record that day. The thud that I heard was when Rachel realized that I was going to beat her, she stops on the track, grabs her knee and then falls down, and starts to cry. From all accounts that I heard of it, all of my friends, they said it was the worst faked injury they had ever seen. She was mad that I was faster than her. Anyway, that year I ran track. She and I became friends at the time. She no longer hated me and her and Joshy weren’t going out anymore. (As a side note to that, Josh and my little sister ended up dating shorty after school ended that school year, so, that sealed it that he and I would never date in this lifetime.) I hated the workouts, but I loved how good I felt afterwards. I loved running in that aspect. I loved the alcaldes that go with it, and I still have my ribbons and medals from running that year.

I would complete my freshman year in high school not running. But the next year, I wanted to impress this guy that I liked who was on the cross country team by joining the team. I was a terrible distance runner. I have gotten better with my times now, but, yeah, it wasn’t my thing. But to get to sit by him in the van on the way to the meets, was well worth my time spent on that team. In the spring of that year, my little sister and I had become close, we did track together. In fact, we did the 4×100 team relay. It was my little sister and our neighbors, who were sisters as well. We all ran a 12 -13 second 100 dash. I was the starter who handed off to sister and she to the younger of the two sisters, and then to the older who would run that last bit. We were pretty good too. I loved that year in running. I had such a good time. After that, I got a job and didn’t do a lot of after school things. So, sports would just go by the wayside until I joined the Navy. I tried to like to run while I was in, but, I ran a lot on treadmills while I served. On the ships, while they were moving. On my first ship the treadmills faced front to back, so you didn’t have such a hard time with listing. On my second ship, they had them facing side to side, so when we were in heavy seas, it made running that much more of a challenge. And that was ok. But running for the sake of running wasn’t something I was really that into. I mean, I’m a sprinter. Not long a long distance kind of person. Who would want to run long distances? That’s so crazy!!

Well, many years past and all of the sudden about October 2014, I can feel my body going to through some weird emotional changes. And I am up and down every day and it’s turning me into a crazy person. I remember standing in the shower in March of 2015 thinking of ending it all. I was crying and I didn’t know how I could handle all that pain inside. I went to bed and the very next day I felt like I could take on the entire Star Fleet by myself. This was insane! I was struggling so hard and I didn’t know what to do about it. I had just moved out of my parents house and during the time that I had lived there, my mom had her thyroid out. I knew enough to know that those hormones are really important. So, we had some thyroid supplements in the cabinet for Thomas. I started to take one and made the decision that I could at least walk. Walking never killed anyone, and it’s not going to require anything special. So I began to walk a few days a week. And, I shit you not, within three days, I could feel my emotions starting to come under control and not feel so all over the board. In two weeks from that day, March 21, 2015, Thomas said that he could tell I was more ‘even keeled’.

It was at this time that my friend, Vanessa, who was running daily after work and totally kicking ass, would come and walk with me from time to time. It was so nice to have someone to talk to while walking. It was from her influence that I decided that I could run. I could do it if she could. She even thought I could do it too. Runners are the best support system I have ever had!! So I would go out by myself and do intervals for a mile or so. I started to track my miles. I wanted to know how far I was going, and I was really loving it. It was hard and then trying to keep up with her was even harder. But I wanted to. I wanted to be better, I wanted to keep running like she did. I remember the time she ran 10 miles. She was so worn out and I thought, wow.. I wonder if I could ever do that. Within a year of this change of adding running and my supplement, I was doing so much better. No more days of crying the shower. I was hooked and I wanted to do a race now. I thought big! I wanted to do the one in the valley and do a half marathon. It was something I thought I could train for and do. 2016 brought many changes to our lives. We got married and both got new jobs. It was becoming a pipe dream to do the race in the next year. That was, until, I had said something to my parents, who somehow relayed that to my older sister, who had a roommate at the time who gave my the code for a free entry to the next race in Phoenix that very next year. I had 75 days to get ready.

First race with Vanessa October 10, 2016

I was doing 4.5 miles consistently, but, I hadn’t really ventured out with more miles. I started with going to 5 miles. Then I would do 6 miles, and then I would increase until I had ran my 13.1 miles. It was a cold fall that year and I had just started to run with my dog. She would become my constant running companion and friend. We worked hard and by the time of the race, we could do it in 3.5 hours. I was so happy about that. It’s not easy to do that distance in any way. I still think that’s true.

By the time the race got here, I had just joined the Facebook running group, you vs. the year. It’s the challenge set up through MapMyRun that was done the year before, but I didn’t find the group until the second year of the challenge. From this, I was able to see that there is a huge group of runners out there who love to run and love medals. I finished the race that year in 2.5 hours. Almost a full hour off of my time at home. I was so happy! And I was so sore and tired as can be. I had my parents out on the course who cheered me on as I would go by, and my husband and daughter at the finish line waiting for me. I cried when I finished it. It was a feeling of such joy and happiness and exhaustion and I loved that!! That night, I remember sitting in my room wearing my husband hat and taking a photo of myself with my medal. It was a truly awesome feeling. When I posted my picture of me holding my medal to the group, I felt so loved and accepted and like I was with friends. It was a great thing!!

Through the friendships I have made with this running group, I have found countless virtual runs that I have done as well as doing a lot of the runs that I can in the valley. I get to see these friends when I go out of town for those races. They make the trip so much more fun. I couldn’t ask for a more wonderful group of support cheerleaders for a person. Honestly, without their support, I don’t know if I would keep lacing up daily.

Some days it’s hard to get out of bed on time, I never do, and go run. I want to, but, at the same time, I don’t want to get up. But running means the day gets easier just by finishing the run. Some days I think I should really get out of bed when I can’t sleep and go run, but I don’t. I have tried to take days off, and they are hard to do when running has become what keeps you sane. I want to share this love of this sport with my girls because I know how hard life can be, but, it’s like no matter how tired I am, or how bad I need to clean something, running has a way of making me feel so much better than anything else. It’s become a life line durning COVID. I wasn’t able to run as much or as far and certainly not as fast as I wanted, but, if I wasn’t able to run, I don’t know how I would handle all that life has thrown at me. I use that time to ponder so much in life. I wonder how will I manage to do things, how can I improve, how can I help more? I think about the work that I would love to do and I wonder how will they ever know I can do what they need if they just gave me a chance. I think about my family dynamics and how do I fit into the whole thing. I think about ways I can improve upon myself. Just this week I decided that I could try to do more with myself. I know that my weight is always a topic of cringe worthy feelings, but, I could so something daily to help with that. I am doing sit-ups. They are terrible. I hate them a lot! But, sit-ups aren’t going to kill me. And I am sure that a strong core will help with running, so, why not? 100 sit-ups daily. I think I want to throw in some kind of weighted twists, just for those oblique muscles, don’t want them to feel left out of the fun. Who knows. Just thought it would do me some good to add something in the mix.

So, what does running mean to me? Running is a way of life. Can I get along in life if I had to give it up? I’m sure I would have to, given those circumstances. Do I want to? Absolutely not! In the last 6 years, I have met some lovely people from all around the globe and I have been so blessed to be able to run where I do. My favorite photos have come from being on runs, and there is nothing more fantastic than to get to see the sun rise in the morning. I am more and more grateful that I am able to do this as there are so many who want to and can’t. When I hear of a fellow runner who died, I shed tears for them. My heart is broken for the Hoyt family this week. I break down every time I see that story. My friend who got me onto his Ragnar team passed away this last December and I was shattered! The running community is such an amazing group of people. They are supportive and funny. And though I haven’t felt like posting to anything lately, I am still there, cheering everyone else on! Running has made me a better person I think. That is enough of a reason right there to never give it up. ~ Peace😎