The Finality of it All

17Jan2026

Just under a week ago, we finally said goodbye to my dad. We had the service on what felt like the coldest day of the year, well, so far. It’s only the 16th of January after all. But, as far as the winter season, so far that was the coldest day. My three sisters and my mom and I sat in the front row of the church. Was a strange feeling being in that place again. The church grounds themselves are a place I spent a good deal of time at while I was a young teen.

I had gone to Phoenix the night before to pick up my oldest sister, Brandy from the airport. I got up early enough to do a short run, seems like I need to make sure to get out in nature daily, even when I’m grieving. Outside was cold, as I said, the coldest of the year. I got to mom’s house pretty early. We all did in fact. It was a very strange day. We got to the church just before noon, the fire engines were already there. Talked for a few and then loaded up into the fire trucks. Got to admit, that was my first ride in the front seat of the fire truck. Or in a fire truck at all. I have got to ride in the ambulance before. Going code three, not as fun as the fire truck, but, also, not an event I will ever want to repeat. The ride to the funeral home was nice, we chatted a bit, Piper and Rae and Steven and I.

We got to the little room in the funeral home and it was hard for all of us to walk into that. We all stood around and looked at the box with his photo on it. I think we tried to make some jokes, but it was so surreal. Being there, seeing him in one of my mom’s favorite photos of him. He was so full of life and he enjoyed laughing. He made everyone smile. .

I have to say, I find writing this a lot harder than I thought I would. Could be the fact that I’m sitting on my bed, very uncomforably, or because I’m half watching a movie. Who knows. But either way, this is harder than I thought it would be. Life has been pretty stressful these last few months without Kelly leaving, but with him gone, it’s been……

23Feb2026

Today was the first evening run I have taken in a long time it seems. I have been feeling all kinds of lost lately and yet, there is a lot of good things that are happening right now. I saw a video today that I thought for sure dad would have really loved, so I sent it to him. I told him that I missed him and I could use his help a lot of days. I was lost in thoughts running, and while I did want to run for a lot longer than what I did, The Yolandi Dog didn’t want to run as far as we did, and I felt like I pulled her for a good half mile. Oh well. She enjoyed coming home. It felt good to run. It felt really good to stretch afterwards, but what I loved was taking a nice hot shower and then sitting down and making time for writing tonight.

I have been talking about doing a podcast recently and I have been stumped. And then I had thought about the book that Piper had given me the year before last for Christmas. It was book journal kind of thing that was called, Mom I Want To Hear Your Story. I thought about knowing and understanding that my parents had whole lives before I was born. They were mid 20s when I came along. I think about what I was doing in my mid 20s and have decided that if I ever had a book written about my life, it would for sure be banned in Texas 😁🤩😎

I have talked to my mom about doing that as an interview for my sisters and use that as a starting point to see how it would sound and then maybe do interviews of people. I feel like a lot of folks just want their story to be heard. To say things that have happened that they never would have thought to talk about with others. Maybe that’s a bit rich, maybe people don’t want that at all. I do know that when prompted, many are glad to talk all about them selves for how ever long they have. I wonder if doing this will be something that I love and I can quit my job and be independently wealthy and can do whatever.. I do worry about healthcare if that’s the case though…. 🧐🤨

Today at work was not my best. I wanted to stay and finish what I was working on, but, I decided that I would start the day with that tomorrow. And then check on the daily stuff. I like that I have a plan when I get to work. It seems to keep me more on track than on days when I am not really prepared for the day. I was also told that my friend at work took a position out of where she is now. I am bummed. Like super sad over this today. I was thinking about it and I feel like she is one of those people that I could call friend.. Like a true friend, and now I will get to talk with her from time to time, but, she’s got a promotion and I don’t want to distract her when she does leave. I feel gut punched, and sad. I will get through it and I’m sure life will keep moving. But when you find one of those females, like one of those female friends that you can always talk to, like a new sister, it’s hard to watch them leave. She’s going to be awesome in her new role though, and I’m excited about that for her.

I was also thinking about how I feel like I’ve lost my passion. To be fair, I feel like I have lost my passion for anything right now. Grief is such a strange thing to me. One day I can get on just fine and keep going like life is somewhat normal. And then something happens that make me think of him. Somedays, I cry when this happens, and some days, I don’t cry, but I smile and get a little misty-eyed. It’s hard to feel anything while grieving. I am happy often, but I feel like it’s a lie, and I’m not really happy at all. I mean, there is so much that I wish I could have asked him, or I could have said to him. I feel like it’s the most unfair thing that has ever happened; to finish the rest of my life with him not there. I am hopeful that one day in the near future I will be able to get some new Ink and I can get my days done. Soonish I would like to find the box that has all the stuff that was in my desk, so I can find the lunch bag, like brown paper bag lunch bag – that says love dad on it. I know that seems a little odd, I’ve had it since I was 12, but it’s the little things in life that make such a huge difference. Like thinking about my parents dancing in the living room. I loved seeing that. I never grew up with a couple that screamed at each other, and they would make out in the kitchen. Eww. I digress…

At one point in the beginning of my running journey, I saw a post on Facebook in one of my running groups and he said, ‘If you’re not obsessed, find something else.’. I thought about that a lot today while running. What else did I have a passion for? I think about this and I think of doing this right here, right now, writing. It’s my outlet and I miss it when I don’t make it a habit. I keep thinking that if I ever want to be a better writer, then I have to write. UGH!! I have not progressed in this category in quite a long time. I thought about that time that I took up playing violin. I truly loved doing it. I took a few lessons, and I loved it. She said I would be playing with the symphony within 6 months if I kept it up. And then COVID happened and that didn’t happen. And then I thought about all of the coloring implements that I have that go with all of the coloring books that I have. Weird how that happens. 🧐🧐

I want to feel like I have purpose again, and then it brings me back to what do I want to do with my life and how can I make that work for me in the world of having to work? I would love to go back to doing massage. I miss that so very much. So much that I have recently purchased some massage cream again. I had to throw out the old stuff, it had gone rancid. I would love to do that again, but more on my terms, no 10 massages a day. Charge what I know I am worth and get into it again. Take classes on doing massage and how to do things that make it better for me and the client. Following massage as a passion is writing and running. After that would be being creative. I love making music, but I also love to make art and paint and draw. It’s been a hot minute since I did any of that. I feel like it might be just the thing to help me deal with processing dad’s passing. I figure maybe I can start by just doing one thing at a time. One day at a time. Not like I can take one and skip a few days. I mean I could if I was doing the mead diet, but that’s not the case.

When the passion bug first bit me, these were the beginning of my medals

Anyhow, I feel like I’m a little fuzzy, so I’m going to call it for tonight and this post. I’m tired all the time these days. I wish I could blame it on something good, but I haven’t felt like I have had a good reason to not be able to do what I need to do. I feel like I’m failing. I will keep trying my best. But I could really go for a vacation right now. Something where I don’t have to plan any of it. All I do is show up, and we do whatever we please.

Good night. I’m falling asleep friends.

Still Trying to Keep Going

Weird that it took Kelly dying for me to really start writing again. Not that I didn’t write before but certainly not this much in a months time. I started to think about what I wanted to do to honor him. Running the 6.9 km daily. I will be lucky to get out and get one mile daily.

My dog hates me because she wants to go out and I’ve been a couch potato for like three years. Ugh! So I’m a little hesitant to make any commitments. However, since it’s to honor my father, the man who stuck with it to the end, would want me to be wishy washy about what I am committed to doing.

When I started running more than a decade ago (that sounds so weird, running consistently for more than ten years), I had no idea that I would go from being pretty meh about it to becoming a serious runner. And from there I have only gone back down hill. I’ve checked my miles over the years. Nearly 7,000 miles since I took it up ten years ago. Almost eleven years to be more precise. Hard to believe it’s been that long or that I’ve logged that many miles. And what’s crazy is I still love doing it.

I do love it. And I find myself wanting to do it more and more these days. Could be because I know it’s what makes me happy or it could be because my parents have been huge supporters of my running and I want to honor my father or it could be just because I love the feeling of it.

When I thought of doing something to honor my dad, I thought I would run 6.9 km daily. One kilometer for every year of his life. But I want to be realistic about things. I haven’t been running that much and hitting that route daily for 70 days would be enough to give me shin splints. So I will get up to that. However, I will make the commitment to get up and go run daily. But more than that. I will make the same commitment to my health that he did before he passed. He did so good on his meals once he was given the diabetic diagnosis. He cut out carbs and had lost more than 20lbs in the time he was doing this. His shirts fit looser than they used to. So that’s what I’ll do.

I will make a commitment to do what he did with his eating, cutting out the bad and eating the good and sticking with it. He was committed to it I can do that too. I can do this thing. 70 days. So that would be March 1. So far I made it through one day. We shall see how it rolls. Seems I’ve been sleeping all the time now when I can. Went to sleep at 7.30 last night. Like completely out before 7.30. Slept until sometime after 3 and then it didn’t feel like I really slept much after that. But we did go run today. And yesterday.

Guess it will have to happen in the morning. The run I mean. Here we go dear reader. Maybe I will have more stories for you. I also thought about telling one story about him every day too. I so t know about that. It’s hard enough to get me to commit to running daily. But maybe with this I can commit to finishing the yearly you vs the year challenge. Would be nice to finish it. Injury has taken me down for a few years now. But I think it’s time. Time to move my butt and get going again.

So here we go again. On my own. Well. With the dog but you get the idea. And now it’s time for me to get going to bed. I admit I’m tired. Ready to call it a night so I will say good night friend. Sleep well.

I’ve Been Meaning to Stop By: 3rd Edition

The last 10 days have been very blurry for me. Monday of last week, my father passed away. Peacefully, in his sleep in his chair in the front room at his home. I saw him just the week before. I had asked him if he could watch Silas for the afternoon. I gave him a big hug and said I love you before I left. And that was the last time I talked to him.

I live close to my parents. 1.2 miles.. I know, I’ve tracked it. I’ve run to their house on a number of occasions, I’ve run home from their house the long way at night many times. I haven’t been great about talking to them all the time. My little sister on the other hand, talks with them, or talked with them, daily. Of course she does. She’s on deployment. I completely understand that. I did the same, as much as I could. Though the last two of mine I was married and called him more than my parents. I had them on my Garmin Connect so they would see me running or if something happened, they could track me. There were many days I would get a text message from him while I was running telling me great job. He was so supportive of me running. We even did a few local races together.

My parents were married for more than 47 years. I only remember because I was born about 18 months after they were married. When my mom called and said I need you to come home, I knew it. In my heart of hearts, I knew this was what it was. When I got there, I had to park at the neighbors house because damn near the entire fire department was in the road at their house. I ran in, threw my keys on the bench and said, “What the fuck happened?!” Much to my surprise, everyone turns to look at me and Greg, one of the firemen he , my dad, worked with for years, walked up to me to tell me, He didn’t make it.

I can honestly say that nothing has ever prepared me for those words. I have thought about death a lot and mentally, I have never gone there with my parents. I love my mom and dad. My dad was my hero. In my mind, he ranks up there with the other heroes of my childhood; Indiana Jones and Joe Montana. He was such a San Francisco fan, for both football and baseball. I was told that the hardest part is saying goodbye while they are lying in the mortuary, but truth be told, it wasn’t that way for me. The worst part was watching my mom cut a lock of his hair, take his ring off, and say goodbye. I can still see that part so clearly in my head. It’s such a gut punch that it still takes my breath away thinking about it. I hope one day that will subside.

The rest of the day was pretty blurry. My mom and I were put into a fire truck and the entire Pinetop Fire Department, half of the police department, and a few others who were with us did a funeral procession to the mortuary. I was told it was something to see, my dad was such a big part of the community. He was the Fire Marshall; Fire Investigator for the last years that he worked with the station. So many people knew him. Thomas got to the house around 11 that morning, and he was with me while we got to say goodbye. It was the most surreal feeling. I know he’s gone, but I didn’t want to believe it. I still don’t. I just want him to come home.

Morning run he was tracking me on, passed by his house for a photo and hug

This is going to be the first Thanksgiving without him. The first of a lot of things in my life without him I guess. My little sister and her family are here still and having Thanksgiving with my mom. My mom asked me if I would ask Piper to please come live with her for a while, so Piper flew in on Friday and came up with my uncle. She will move in over the weekend. I’m so glad she’s home. I have missed her terribly. I wish she didn’t come home due to this. But she’s here now and that makes my heart happy. I know my parents house has been a revolving door for so many people coming in and out, wanting to help in any way. I’m glad there is a lot of support from so many right now.

My heart hurts most for my mom. She is the one who just lost her partner, her best friend, her companion, her love. They started dating 55 years ago, when they were 14. She says that they met in church and stated dating at that age. The story that I know goes something like he dumped her after a month for ‘big nose Becky’. They graduated the same year and went their own ways. They both had a daughter and had gotten married. It didn’t work for either of those marriages, practice marriages, and eventually they found their ways back to church in Tempe, where they first met. He asked her if she would babysit so he could go out, since she had a daughter the same age as his daughter. Life progressed, they got married, they had me and Alexia. I grew up seeing my dad as a hero who could do no wrong, and it seems that’s the general consensus of my sisters as well, and now, how am I supposed to go on in a world without him? How is she supposed to go on without him?

Obviously, life will go on. Divorce has shown all of us that even after the worst things happen, life continues. Reba’s “For My Broken Heart” really hits. The world isn’t going to stop turning for my broken heart. It’s a hard reality that I have to face, and one that my sisters and mom have to face as well.

He was a really cool dude. I used to describe him to people as this cute little blonde dude running around. His pants always looked way too big for him, but he had a great smile. And he always had a smile on his face and he could tell the best blonde jokes. Alexia looks a lot like him, whereas I look more like my mom. She got the same color hair as him as well. Anytime I ever needed him in my life, he’s always been there for me. Whether it’s when I asked him to come to Louisiana and pick me up and take me and Piper home, or can you watch Silas, or Piper when she was little? What is the square footage of an acre? And I can’t talk to him anymore. I don’t like being in this club.

My face has been salt crusted for a while now. I took my contacts out that day and knew I wasn’t going to wear them for a while. I can’t when I’ve been crying, and thus far, I’ve cried daily. I don’t know when I will stop crying every day, but, until those days come, I have to wear my glasses. Only time I will wear them is to run. I can handle it for that hour and some change. But only just. The first day back to work I felt like my head was spinning all day. The following day wasn’t much better, but, I didn’t cry at my desk. The third day I kind of zoned out. I have the next three days following Thanksgiving off, so I am hoping that come December, I can focus a little more. I’m not going to hold my breath though. Crystal came up on Monday evening, Brandy was there Wednesday, Alexia on Thursday, and Piper home on Friday. Brandy has gone home, Crystal has gone home for a while, but will be coming back up next week sometime. Alexia will be leaving sometime next week as well, but, I don’t know.

The first night, I slept in my room at my parents house. Second night as well. I couldn’t sleep. I’m still not sleeping well, but it was strange to wake up in my room. It still has the same colors on the walls, but, I was sleeping at an angle I had never slept before, so I had a very different perspective that morning. Everything felt so surreal, like a dream. I took the van on Wednesday with mom and Brandy and Crystal and as I was driving, I was thinking, I never got to do this with him. I never got to take him on a ride in the van. UGH! I feel so much guilt for not doing more with him, or being over there more often than what I was. I have been over there daily since then save one?? Two? I feel like my world has been crushed. I walk around in a half daze going through life.

Few days later ~

I’m still going over this all in my head and I can’t get it out of head. We have shared many photos from days gone by, I would like to state that I wasn’t always this cool, clearly, as evidence would suggest. I have pulled my box of photos out from under the bed a few times now, and I haven’t been able to open it yet. I want to. I have spent far too much time in the daytime looking at the photos I have on my phone. I will eventually, but I don’t know when I will.

I slept for the first time in two weeks last night. So much so that I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning. It was strange to feel like that. I know that I haven’t slept. I was reading something today that suggested I need to loosen up. Not in like a I’m bunged up kind of way, but more like I have been clenching my jaws so hard that I can feel the skin on my head tightening. I have been wearing my shoulders like earrings, and to be honest, I hadn’t noticed. I can feel all of the muscles in my body so very tense, and I don’t know about them being able to relax for a while. I have asked for a foot rub and that has yet I have been not able to really allow anyone to touch me right now. There have been many hugs with many people and those are amazing, but, I’m not a person who likes someone up in my bubble.

I want to run. Everything in me wants to run for miles and miles. Do miles to honor my dad, and yet, I feel stuck right now. Piper said I am depressed and I said, well, yeah, I’m pretty sad right now. I lost my hero in my life and I don’t want to have to deal with living in a world where he is no longer in. I just never thought he would die. Honestly. Somehow I thought my parents were going to live forever. And I know that we all die, it’s not that, it’s that I’m sad that I can’t talk to him right now. I can’t just pop over to their house and see how he’s doing. Or see what cool project he’s working on in his shop. I can’t go over and cut his mustache for him. And right now, he’s no longer in a solid form, he’s ashes in a box. Fuck, I hate this so fucking much!!

My husband asked if I was mad. I’m not mad. I don’t see a point in being mad at someone who is dead. Like what good does that do. I’m very sad about it. I’m so torn up that driving home from work all I can think about is him. I know that I’ll see him in my dreams sometime, but I haven’t yet. I know that he’s ok, and that he’s watching over us now… I wonder if the soul can be in many places at once… Kind of like astral projection, can I be here with them, and yet with the rest of the group as well? I don’t know, guess I will have to wait and find out. 🧐🧐

If you have stayed with me this long, dear reader, I do appreciate it. This the first person this close to me that I have lost so I am sure that I will have lots of thoughts on it, and will run and write about it. I will have to think of something that would honor him. Maybe run 69 days in a row beginning on his birthday, December 21st. He would have been 70. So young too… I never wanted to be part of the this cousins club, as my sister puts it. I just thought I would have more time. And I had a lot of time with him. I’m lucky that I am 46 before my dad passed. I got to have 16,841 days with my dad. More than so many folks on the planet. I’m a lucky kid too, he was something amazing for sure. He would bring me a glass of water when I was sick and throwing up and then hand me my toothbrush afterwards. He gave me my own birthday cards from him that had the Peanuts comic strip characters in it, since I used to read his old books from them. He would run with me. So yes, running will be my way to honor him somehow. Maybe the days consecutively will be something to shoot for.

It’s time to get moving now, time for sleep, who knows if it will come tonight, but the dog is looking at me waiting for me to finish so she can move to my side of the bed. Thomas is sleeping next to me, and Ella is sound asleep in the bed in the next room. I think I will run in the morning. Good night friends ~ ❤️