This last year has been a challenge for me with running. For the last two years, I have been able to run virtual runs and earn milage for different places around the web. One of my favorite being Yes.Fit. I am pleased with myself with these medals and I have busted my ass to get them. I have goals and with the running, I have been able to meet these goals. This year has been substantially different.

For starters, I have a lot of medals. And I love to look at them, but, I have no place to put them. I have this awesome hanger my sister got me last year to help display them, and I haven’t found a place to hang it. And then there is the other factor of I really should have saved the money on these medals. For the medal and the shirt, because what is a race of sorts without the t-shirt to prove that I did it, it’s about $50. Which is totally reasonable since most races are about that and the local ones, until this year, haven’t had medals for finishers. But when I add up how many I have done, and how much I have put on my credit card, well, then it starts to add up.

I had promised my husband that this year I would be different. I wouldn’t sign up for any virtual races. And unless I had already signed up for a race, I wasn’t going to go to any of them unless they were on the mountain. So far this year, there have been two races, with a possibility of two more.

I need to have goals. I need to feel like the work I am doing is going for something. I want to have to push myself to do something that I thought I would never be able to finish. My body is strong and I want to see what kind of limits it can push and reach and accomplish if given the opportunity to do so. I want to fly if I could.

With the no races rule for the year in place, I have slacked off big time. I didn’t have a goal of reaching 1000 miles for the year, I didn’t have that extra push of trying to beat my last year. Why? What do I get out of it? I know that sounds bad, but, I want to be able to show off the fruits of my labor for having put so much time and effort and strain on my family. I run in the mornings because, I feel like when my daughter needed me, I needed to be there for her and the evening runs were just not helping the family. So I go in the morning.

But I will be honest here. While I love to get to see a beautiful sunrise, I loved running after work. I feel like it gives me the chance to burn off whatever angry customer I had to deal with today. I get to self evaluate what I could have done better and hopefully be able to put it into practice so I can be better the following day.

Let me tell you what races I have done. In January, I was able to complete the Arizona Rock ‘N’ Roll 5k and 10k. In April, I did the Pat Tillman run here on the mountain. It’s 4.2 miles representing Pat’s jersey number while he played for the Arizona Cardinals. Very emotional run for me. In June, I was able to run the San Diego Rock ‘N’ Roll 5k and half relay with my little sister. Now, in August, I have run a glow run with my daughter for the High Mountain Half series. If they have another Turkey Trot I will do that and I am thinking of signing up for the Cool Runnings 10k that is offered during the Fall Festival the last weekend of September. I need more.

I have singed up for my first marathon. As in an actual marathon distance. The distance that was ran and then promptly after the first person did that, they died. He ran from the ocean to Marathon which was a distance of 26.2 miles to tell of the invasion that was coming towards them. We honor his death all the time with this distance and well, less than 1% of the world can say they have finished a marathon. It’s a big one and I am scared. And what’s even more fun, training doesn’t start until much later this year. But I have no motivation to get up and go run now.

As I sit here, feet up, drinking coffee in my bathrobe, I know that I could have gotten up and gone for a run, but, instead I chose to sleep in and enjoy my morning. I needed to write so I guess the run will have to be postponed until laster today. Maybe. I don’t like that the one thing I had pushed for is now what I use to not run. If there is no medal, what’s the point? Why keep putting in the miles if I don’t get anything to show for how hard I have tried to push myself? Will I ever find out? Not sure. Maybe I will next year, but unit then, I feel like these are all just wasted miles. I realize how shallow that sounds, but, it’s the truth. I want to see something for my hard work.

As I think of what my next run will be, hopefully at least the loop around the lake, I will think of the events of the weekend. I have read much and have many thoughts of what the fuck is wrong with the deranged thoughts of a mad man. I will lace up and go out and wonder why and what can I do to help be the change to make it a better world for my daughters. I will think about when is it my time? Will I be hanging out with my family going to a movie or a concert? Will I be shopping for my next meal? Will it be while I’m going to church to support someone? Will it be at work or when I am out running with my dog? I hope none of those come to pass, but, in looking back at the last 20 years, I can’t be sure of anything anymore. I am mostly concerned for my girls. What if they are just trying to learn about fractions and integers? I digress…

I think the ultimate goal for me is to be able to become a full time writer and have the freedom to run when I want… wouldn’t that be nice?