I’m having an off day you could say. I have tried to help it with uplifting music only to find that the playlist is not hitting it. Talking to people makes me feel worse. And then there is the incoming news that daily makes me want to vomit or hide and maybe come out in years to come.

You’ve had those days I’m sure. When it starts out good and then for whatever reason it just turns south for no fucking reason at all. Shit I can’t even get my computer to come up now either making it all that much more annoying!

Computer crisis has been handled. But still. It’s a day. It feels like one of those days that should be great and wonderful and has all the potential for being a decent day. And then you go to work. And it starts off fine and dandy. And then slowly between the conversations and the work you start to feel like the world is going to crumble on top of you and you can’t stop it. Crying doesn’t help because what the fuck good do tears do?!

I feel like I’m treading water. Just barely able to keep my head afloat and I’ve been trained for ocean swimming. In fact, I’m a class two swimmer. 🏊‍♀️ I can’t help my girls. I can’t help myself. I’m just not drowning right now. There is that tightness in my chest that wants to crush my soul and I can’t do anything but hope. And holy hell, hope isn’t something I really have anymore.

Hope is an illusion for me. There is none right now. Not for my country which has turned into a fucking shit show from hell with the most horrific person about to re-take the helm. Not for my fellow veterans who were so brainwashed to think this man is going to help them. I hold on to the fact that maybe we won’t be a second Germany based solely on the fact that we still have laws. Which in my mind are about to be broken and tarnished by a man who tried to stage a coup. And got away with it. 🤢🤮🤮🤮

I wanted to have hope for my girls. One is having a hard time and while she doesn’t want to kill herself, she doesn’t really want to live at this point. One is in college and home for winter break. She came home smelling so bad I’m shocked my dad didn’t make her shower before they left town. I wanted her to go and have fun and be young and go enjoy the whole living on campus thing. Make new friends. And instead she’s (likely) failed biology, dropped her scholarship and now wants to just be able to move back in at the end of the school year.

I have failed. 😞 I wanted to have hope for my grandchildren who I thought were going to be able to get a good education but with the department of education being dismantled and history currently being re-written to help white kids feel less upset about the horrors of what happened so many times here in this country. Not here’s what happened. We fucked up and let’s make it better. Nope. Just going to pretend they were all happy and got along and shit like slavery didn’t exist. We have failed our founding fathers.

This is what goes through my head on a random Friday afternoon. I’m grateful that I got a text from a friend who just asked left or right. Because in those small text messages, I was able to bring myself back to the present moment of what I needed to be doing right then. And it helped me relax. And all was well again. Until it wasn’t.

Fast forward to around 1.30am Saturday (yesterday) morning when my husband gets a phone call from the dad of my grandkids. Please help me, Kelsie is having a hard time to say the least. And while I’m not going to go into a ton of personal details about it, she can talk about it if she wants, it amounted to she was drunk and yelling and it caused a big riff. Her little sister came to my house to sleep due to the yelling. She collapsed in a ball of tears after walking through the front door. Told her go upstairs, you’re safe. Thomas and I stayed up and watched something. And when that one was over, around 4.30 we made coffee and put on another movie and went back upstairs to the room. the movie got turned on and off to sleep my sexy love went. I couldn’t sleep.

Instead I got dressed and took the dog out. It was nearing sunrise and it’s the normal time to take her out. We got dressed and walked two miles. In those two miles that takes an hour to walk now, I talked to Vanessa. Ranted at her for an hour is more like it. I told her how I was feeling and how the shit with the girls was making me crazy. And not the good crazy. I ranted until I had to stop for a bathroom break. I can say it was so good for me to be able to get that all off of my chest. And there was a lot for sure.

Tom and I did a lot of shopping and then by 4.30 I was fading fast. A good two hour nap was just what I needed. And then he brought me food for dinner. I was asleep quite quickly following that and now it’s morning again. Got home from the walk and my favorite Christmas movie was on. A Christmas Carol with George C. Scott. It follows the book so very closely and I have loved that movie since it came out in 1984. Much to do now. The dread is holding at bay for now and I will persevere to keep going forward. Things will work out, they always do and I have faith that this is no different. We will get through it. For now then, good day to you all 😎🤩❤️