Three Weeks Post Death

It’s inevitable. We all die. No one gets out of this life alive. My dad used to make jokes about it like, when I die I want to go like my grandfather; peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car. Or another thing he used to say was everyone is dying to get to the cemetery. Stupid jokes of course but they used to make me laugh.

There has been such an outpouring of love and support from everyone. All over the country, all over the state and even from the Pacific Ocean… that would be my little sister who was on deployment. He work led as a fire fighter for more than 20 years. All of them from the time I was in high school on. In fact he didn’t go full time at the department until it became a full time opportunity. Before that, they had a day crew and then volunteers for nights and weekends. I used to go to the station and watch Bevis and Butthead with him because we don’t have MTV at home. And I was told no I couldn’t watch it at home.

I try to see that death isn’t the end of life, it’s just another stage of it. I’m not worried about his soul, I’ll leave that to others, I just know that he’s ok. He’s safe and now he gets to be part of my life only in my memories. I’ve listened to his voicemail a few times and watched old videos of him and the kids just to hear his voice. To hear him laugh again. He always had a smile on his face and when he walked into a room he lit it up with his endless energy.

Of course as his child I knew him differently than coworkers. Growing up he was out of town a lot working. That started about the time I turned 7 or so and lasted until the year or two following my high school graduation. Not always out of town but working for the state took him to a lot of places. He worked in Prescott while we lived in Kingman, and then once my mom’s job took us to Pinetop, it took a month or two before he could get transferred to their Show Low office. I still drive by it and think of him being there. He worked as natural resource department clearing trees and other bits of shrubbery from the shoulder of the road. It was after this particular job with the state that he got on with the fire department full time. And boy did he love that!

Personally, I’m not a blood and guts kind of kid. I don’t want to see things coming out of your body that is supposed to be safely inside the body. So I know my calling isn’t the same as his, but he had so much fun with it. Yes, there will be calls that I remember him being on and the way it took a toll on his mind and his heart. He said the first day he ever worked after getting his EMT license was a suicide that didn’t work. After many years of seeing that exact kind of call he would say they should offer a class called suicide: doing it right the first time. Yes, terrible I know but anyone who I’ve met since then who has worked as an ER person or EMT/ Paramedic, they will agree. It’s gut wrenching to see that so many try and fail and in that process alter the trajectory of their whole life. Good bad or otherwise. And just to be clear, suicide isn’t something to joke about but you have to make light of it or the job will put you in therapy for life. There were countless car collisions that he cleaned up dead bodies off the road and that would gut him completely. It takes a special kind to do this job. And I’ve only known a two that I grew up with who have taken on that job as well.

In trying to cope with it, I’ve gone back to work (as if I could just not go 😑) it’s good to have something to take my mind off of the obvious. I have a great support system who is working with me to help me with anything I need. I am grateful for my coworkers, they are pretty amazing.

Few days later…

Was driving around town doing stuff and things hanging out with the kids. There was a truck that pulls up to us, we’re driving the same speed and he pulls ahead and I look over and see the load of wood. Do you ever know when it’s the last time you do something like that with them? Like I never knew it would be the last time to hug my dad when I did. I’ll never be able to go get a cord of wood with him either. What hurts is the not knowing it was going to be the last time I got to hug him. It was the last time I got to say I love you daddy. And yes. I still called him daddy. When I wasn’t calling him Kelly. There are no more birthday party with my mom. No more Christmas seasons we take a full day to have his birthday. No more laughs. Fuck!! This fucking sucks!

I don’t know how my sisters are handling this. I know that I have to keep going and I have to keep doing my thing. Keep working. Keep living. Just keep livin. I imagine everyone who has lost their father, or people who have a close relationship with their fathers, all go through this. That feeling like your compass star has disappeared, like your lost on the ocean, dead in the water. And that ocean, well, it never stops. The waves just keep coming at you. I know eventually I will move through what I will consider the hardest part, but not now. Not today, certainly not this year. Not likely I’ll ever really get to the point when I don’t cry thinking about it. Maybe one day I’ll stop seeing him in his chair dead. Maybe one day that day will stop playing in my head over and over again. But not today.

Today, or tonight rather, I shall put on my favorite Christmas movie and watch George C. Scott portray Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge, and be sad. Sad that I don’t get to hear my dad laugh again. Sad that I can’t hear him telling his grandkids to put stuff away or to come play. He’s not going to show me whatever cool thing he’s got going on in the barn. And I’m never going to be the same person I was when I was with him. Because only he could bring that out on me.

I used to cut his mustache. We would go outside on the back deck, weather permitting of course. It would take me nearly an hour to do his face, get the old man hairs out from his ears and his eyebrows and do some basic trimming on his hair. I would take a gummy before hand and we would listen to classic rock and laugh together. I will miss that.

And with life throwing more curve balls than I can hit I’m starting to unravel it feels like. I know Piper is worried about me but I wish she wouldn’t. I know life will go on and things will change, it’s inevitable. Life is change. But for now, I will do my best to just keep livin. It’s not like I can take days and be knocked out for many at a time. That’s not reality. Reality is going to sleep and not knowing if I will wake up at 2 or 3 and not be able to go back to sleep. Reality is getting up with heavy feet and go running. I’m still debating my running to honor him. I want to set up a certain distance, 6.9 km. Equals about the distance of running around the lake daily. I think I may do it. Or at least make the commitment to do it. But right now I’m still not able to commit to much of anything.

If you have read this far, dear reader, I do appreciate it. I’m not doing well right now but life changes frequently and so I know this is but a fragment of time in my life that I will be feeling like this. I know that his memory will be honored and that he won’t be easily forgotten by me, my sisters or my mom, or my community. He was kind of a big deal in the community. He was my hero. I think Kelsie said it best. He had a way of making you feel like you could do anything. Which is why my girls will be heading to school soon to train to become fire fighters and EMT’s. He would have been so damn proud. 🥲

And now I shall rest some. It’s been a long day that has been very loud. I’m going to braid my hair and head to bed. Good night~

Trying to Regain Lost Motivation

I see it all the time on social media. I have lost my motivation, how do I get it back? I don’t usually comment on those posts. I don’t have any thing to say that people want to hear. I feel that it’s not so much that we lose motivation, it’s that we lose the mood we were in when we said we would do whatever it is. I find that is true of running a lot. I have a lot of aspirations when it comes to running. I always tend to think that I will get up on time and be able to get out of the house on time and be back and able to get ready for work on time. I think that. But, reality usually knows a different story when it comes to that kind of evening motivation that rarely comes to me in the morning.

I’m not an expert on anything. Nor am I some sort of inspiration to others, though, I would like to think that I have influenced my girls to make good choices. I know some things about many things. What I know about running, has taken me years of doing it myself, years of watching and learning from other runners and just taking a chance once in a while. I don’t train in a way that makes sense to the majority of runners. There is no training in fact. I just go and see how it feels. There are even days when I have lost motivation to do the run and I let the dog chose how far we go and what direction we go in.

But we keep going. The why is important to some. They want to make someone proud. They want to see what they are capable of. They want to make better choices for their families. They want to be around for their children. And the list goes on and on for everyone of those people who have a reason to motivate and go.

For others, the why is no longer a thing to concern yourself with. It’s now a habit. You get up, you change into the gear and you lace up and go. Or you wait until the end of the day and go when the work is done. Sometimes those are the only reasons that you get up. That run. It’s second nature and you don’t even think about it.

I too have got to that point of losing the desire to run. It was about a year ago and it began slowly. I was so depressed that I actually made a call to get help. Took almost 9 months to get it but that’s beside the point. I felt like I was lost in a life that made no sense. I wanted to get better. I wanted to run. I wanted to feel that joy in my life again. It was hard. It was really hard and I had to navigate those waters alone. Not because I didn’t have others around me to help, but, when I feel like I did, all I wanted was someone to notice how bad I was getting. I wanted someone to say something that they noticed and yet, I couldn’t reach out to anyone. All I wanted was to hide and observe and then feel sorry for myself because life wasn’t going the direction I wanted. When it comes to our motivation, a lot of that comes from what’s going on with us in our heads. Life happens in such an abrupt way that it can sideswipe us and we never know what hit us.

To answer the obvious question, dear reader, I didn’t have anyone help to get me out of that rut. I knew from the years of running that I had under my belt, that the one thing that I was so desperate to do but couldn’t do, was run. I know exactly how good it feels to put in a good 5 miles before work. And that feeling when I get out of the shower after running those 5 miles is one of the best feelings I have. And yet. It was like everything in me just wanted to stay in bed and not get up at all. I would sit and take photos of the dog instead as she would sit on my lap. She’s such a pretty girl! So, what was it? I signed up for a race. A big one. The big one. For the first time, Boston had opened the race to virtual entries for 70K people. I saw that and I jumped on it.

After seeing that it was going to be needing to be done on the weekend before the race itself in Boston, I would have to complete it between the 8th and 10 of October. Well, that seemed pretty great since my birthday is the 9th of October. 42km for my 42nd birthday, seemed likes a great day. This is a big deal, Boston isn’t just any old race. It’s the coup de grace of races. This was the motivating factor in me getting my running back.

I had planned out the whole training sessions, and wrote it all down and had in on my dresser and each day I had planned out two workouts. I was very motivated. I wanted to do it all so well. What happened you ask? I know you did, because the last few times I wrote, it was long before getting the race done.

I didn’t make this but I love it. And Daniel Craig… 007 ❤️❤️❤️

Not everyday was hard, but, everyday, I had to make the choice to make the effort. I had bad mornings when I just didn’t want to get out of bed at all, and I had days where I really wanted to just be left alone. When I got a new job and my working hours changed drastically, I had to make the effort to get up earlier than I was and get my butt out on the road for those morning runs. Slowly but surely, I started to feel a little better. I noticed it little by little. I would feel great after running in the morning again, I would sleep better, and when the desire struck me to be intimate, I would go for it.. (though to be honest and fair, that didn’t start until I was taking meds for depression and anxiety). The week of the race finally got there. I had planned it out and knew the route I was going to do. I had gotten my outfit all ready and all my supplies ready. My husband dropped me off 13 miles from my house. I would have to double that along the way to get all 42 kilometers. I didn’t plan as well as I had thought. I finished, but, had to stop twice to recharge my phone since I used the app for the marathon, and I didn’t want to lose that since my phone was dying. I didn’t have a jacket on, just a long sleeve shirt and shorts. I didn’t have a hat and the wind was horrible!! The last half mile, my husband ran with me so I didn’t have my phone die at the very end. I was so grateful that it finally got the full distance about a quarter mile from my house. I was cold and tired and I hurt. A great deal. And the service I got for dinner that night was super shitty. Which was a bummer since I love that place. About a day later, I was already getting a sinus infection that could have been gone sooner, if I had done what I needed to do.. But I didn’t think of that for a long time. Two weeks in fact.

The race itself was hard, and I always finish a race thinking that I could have done better if I had only (fill in the blank). I know I could have done better, but, my planning was poor. However, it had the desired effect. It pulled the depression out of me for a while and got me to get up and work towards something. By the time I got to the race day, I felt mostly normal again. What happened afterwards for two full months is a story for another time though.

Motivation isn’t something you can get from others. You can be inspired to do things, but, you have to have something to fall back on when it comes to staying motivated to run. It’s not about losing motivation or losing your inspiration. It’s a commitment you make to yourself to take care of you. Running isn’t going to change the world and it’s not going to make you leap tall buildings in a bound. You’re not likely to save someone or come upon someone who is dead on a trail, despite what crime shows like to believe… Again, a topic for another time… You’re likely to fix you. You may figure things out in your head about why you are this way, why your family is this way. When my little sister comes to visit, I have to run miles and miles and miles and miles to get through to deal with it. It’s about finding the peace inside of yourself. That’s it right there. It’s a desire to feel that peace that comes when you have an amazing run. It’s the desire to feel like you can do anything. It’s the desire to be better than you were yesterday.

Not everyone will feel the same way I do, and they will have other ways to get back the motivation that you lost. But, again, it’s not really about motivation. It’s a commitment. And one that so many of us chose to make daily, weekly, monthly, yearly to be a better version of ourselves. Don’t relay on others to give you motivation.. be motivated by seeing what you can do, and then do it. You’re going to surprise yourself. Trust me 😎

As a point of reference, my husband did tell me to get out of bed a lot. He said that this isn’t just some race, it’s fucking Boston. Get up and go.

Mental Health Awareness: May

May 4, 2021

The last few days, I have had a few revelations. There are a good many people that I know who are struggling through a bout of depression. And it’s not just me, thankfully, but, to see it in so many that I know, it’s comforting and frightening all at the same time.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about the meaning of life; 42. I poured my heart out about how it’s been hard for me these last few months. And while I thought that I would be able to pull myself out of it, it’s been a few weeks, 4, and still no progress. I am a bit less stressed at work, which is helpful, but, I’m still not able to pull myself up yet. I put deadlines on things like this it seems. I feel like I should be feeling a certain way and when I don’t, I get even more down hearted and it becomes a spiral of downward motion, going faster and faster until it stops. Sometimes it’s harder to come out of it, the best way for me to deal is to run, and I feel like I have been wanting to sleep a lot lately.

I look around me, and there are people who are going through a lot rougher time than I am, and it makes me grateful for my own problems. Makes me grateful that I have learned to communicate a lot better than I did when I was younger. And it makes me feel like there is a bit of misery loves company within it all. It’s no surprise that the last year has taken it’s toll on so many of us. We are going crazy with the lack of other people, and yet overstimulated by the online connections. We have disconnected. From each other and from ourselves.

Oh sure, there are many, who were able to use the last year as a jumping off point and turn so much good into their lives. I applaud all of them. I only hope for many more wonderful things for them. I was so blessed to be able to see my grandson grow from the teeny tiny little baby to the walking baby he is now. I have been so blessed to become closer to Kelsie and to get to run with her. I can honestly say it’s nice to have a person to run with. I have been truly blessed with this amazing life that I have.

But despite all the beauty and wonder that I have all around me, the last year has started to really take its toll on me. From all that I have seen around me to all that I see around the world, it’s been a hard one. I have been strong through much of the pandemic. I went to work each day and smiled, even though it was obvious, we were busier than ever, and still are for that matter. I wore a mask daily and tried really hard not to get into debates about why I wear a mask in the first place. I came unglued at work one morning. I snapped at my boss and the others that I work with. From that point on, when it comes to politics or ideas on things I disagree with, there are whispers all around me when I get to work in the morning.. or so my anxiety tells me. I am sure there are plenty of days when they stop the conversation when I get there. I am well aware of the fact that I don’t always feel the same as the ones I work with. For me, it can almost feel hostile, and I know that it’s not the case, but, I have days where my mind isn’t able to be strong and the day feels like it crumbles all around me. I drive home with no music on and no book on and just listen to the sound of the wind over the car. It’s too loud for me. I wish I had noise cancelling headphones. I want to disappear into the wind at that point. I struggle with this thought.

What do I do about those thoughts? For one, I take meds for that reason. Thus the name, ‘morning high’, though, I don’t take meds before work. The weekends however, you can bet it’s a wake and bake kind of day. When I can’t take the meds what do I do? I try to remember that it’s ok. That it’s ok to not be ok and I give myself permission go to bed and try again in the morning. What I need to do instead, is run.

Over the years I have found that on the days that it’s so hard to get up and go, those are the days that I need it the most. If I can’t do it in the morning, I have a support system who will tell me to go out and go for a walk when I get home and I need to relax and unwind. I will get home and eventually make it up the stairs to my room where the shoes will come off. I will sit down on the ottoman and stop for a moment and just breathe. If my bong is out, I will go for that. Even if it’s not out, that’s what I go for. I like it the most. I miss the one that I could put ice into though. A few deep breaths with that and I will get up and go change my clothes. From there, it’s either going for a run with the girls or just Kelsie, or I will go downstairs and get the evenings events going. Like dinner or whatever else there is. Lately, I don’t like eating as much as I would like. It’s a huge struggle because I don’t feel like eating. Not because I’ve got a problem with eating, I don’t, but, because I just don’t feel like it.

Not only that, the worst part of the whole thing is I will isolate myself. I will feel like the whole world is against me and I want someone to notice that I’m having hard time. I want someone to reach out and talk to me to make sure that all is well, and I won’t say a word to anyone. I will just naturally assume that all of my friend can read my mind and will instinctively know that I need them. But it never happens like that. And to be honest, it’s stopped bothering me as much as it used to. How did that happen, you may wonder, as I myself am shocked by the words that are being typed? I know that life has been hard on a lot of us, and I’m not the only one who is trying to outrun the darkness that is trying to creep in. Like the icy sinews of winter, creeping in all around you. We are all battling our own problems and I know that most of those close to me are busy in life. And it’s ok if they are busy and can’t read my mind. I have to keep in mind that I am the one who hasn’t text or called either. I am the one hiding too. Relationships only work if you put effort into them. It can’t be a one sided thing, both people have to consider your relationship a high enough priority to want to keep talking. And this is a really hard one for me.

I don’t have a lot of close friends, and the ones that are close, are close enough that they have become my sisters. There are now four women I would call my sister. Two of them know it. Two of them don’t. It’s all good. I love all of my sisters. But even with those that I love and call my sisters, to my sisters and my parents, I am having hard time staying in contact with them. I used to take a photo every time I ran and I would send it via Snapchat to all my friends. And then I started to think that not everyone really wanted to see my face that often.. usually daily. And from there it’s become a spiral of downward thoughts of why would anyone actually care what the fuck I did today or not. No one needs to know about me.. I’m going to hide. The real conundrum of the whole thing is that I desperately want someone to notice me. I want someone to reach out but I don’t have the ability to outright say, I need help because I’m having a hard time. And it’s not like there is any one thing that has set it off, it’s just that general feeling of why would anyone want to care about me.

That right there is the darkness that consumes me. Like the dripping of a faucet into a cup in the sink, not noticing the effect at first, until the cup is almost full and I can’t breathe. It’s a darkness that I have fought for some time. And while I could spend the rest of this though process going into detail of why I got like this, I think our time together today, dear reader, is better spent not going into that pit of despair.

The question then becomes for us all, how to get out of the grips of this feeling, how do we come to terms with our own selfishness and self-loathing? How do we find our light again? I don’t know. I have been living this rollercoaster for a while. There are good days and there are bad days and then there are days when you have to go number 3… For those such days, you should really take the day off. I try not to let my head get the best of me. I know that though I feel like it’s all against little ole me, it’s not really that way. the reality is that I am but one person. I will do the best I can and I can’t do it all. As I tell Brandy, my oldest sister, tacos fall apart all the time, and we still love them, followed by, you can’t make everyone happy, you’re not chocolate. It’s ok to fall down and it’s ok to not want to get back up. But somewhere in that dream place, between falling down and staying down, there is that glimmer of hope. There is still that light that shines that is our beacon. It pulls me through another day if I am struggling.

Love. That’s it. Love. Not the love that I have for my sisters. Not the love that I feel for my husband. The love that I have for my babies. There is so much that makes me want to end it, but, my babies are what pulls me through. Their love for me keeps me holding on. Because even though we may not see eye to eye on things and life and stuff and hair cuts and how to clean your room and fucking hell wipe the counters off already, they look to me for guidance. I know that I’m far from perfect, but, I want to do the best I can to teach them how to be ladies. How to open a door with smile, how to hold your fork at a fancy restaurant, and to say no and how to make them think it was their idea. I want to show them how to be assertive. I want them to know that they are super cool as they are right now, and getting through this last year was hard on all of us.

19MAY21

Interesting take on that last paragraph I think. In re-reading it, I feel like I might have mis-worded that. It’s not love per se. It’s about wanting to show them, and lead by example, that keeps me going. I want to be a good parent, and I want them to know that it’s ok to stumble and fall, and that’s ok, learn to make it part of the dance. Dancing is just a conversation with your feet. Life is but a dance, so, it’s going to be full up lifts that will amaze, and falls that make everyone hurt, but, the show must go on. And it will.

So, where am I now? I called and made an appointment with the VA to establish a primary care, and at that time to inquire about mental health services. I get to have lab work done next week prior to the appointment so I’m sure there will be lots to talk about. I have not run, and I have been not using good food judgement. There have been a few shakes and lots of bad for me food. Why? Well, the protein shake that I normally use has been discontinued and the new one is twice the last one was and I didn’t want to buy anymore. I have been enjoying more delicious Mexican food than I was a while ago. I haven’t run in a while because, well, I haven’t felt like it. It’s nice to wake up next to my husband and feel him next to me and sink back under the covers, listening to him breathe softly, he really doesn’t snore unless he’s sick, and letting that dark slumber wash over me again. It feels like a bit of heaven just lying there, together, with little Gotro in the next room and the dog at my feet. I couldn’t ask for a better morning.. and then work happens. And when I get home, I don’t feel like going out for a run. I just want to hide in my house, from most of the world. Perhaps hide is a bit strong of a word, how about, retreat from the world for a bit of solace and peace. Running takes a lot of focus for me, as I do like to think about form and solve all of my problems at the same time, and that’s sucked the energy out of me like crazy the last few runs. It won’t be like this forever, but, right now, that’s where I’m at.

Next Monday, training begins. It’s a couch to 26.2 miles program and I feel like I am really trying to go for the couch part of the program so I know that I have really exceeded my own expectations with this run. I know I can do it, will be lots of fun sweating in the Arizona heat training. Good thing I just got a new 3 liter water backpack. I’m stoked😁😁 3 Liters!!!! Can you imagine? That’s like having more than enough water, but, we shall see. The real test will be one of the trail runs I know are coming up in the summer for me and the dog. She wastes a lot of water which usually means not enough for me, but, this new bag could be a game changer!!

I know that I shouldn’t hope to lose weight while training for the marathon, but, I am hoping to do so. I have to really think about food choices. I love food so much, and now I’m fucking starving!! I don’t meal prep, but clearly that will need to become a thing that I do… Which means that it’s likely I won’t be able to eat a lot of cookies.. which means, I will have to eat some more today 😁 I made them on Monday, they are pretty fucking amazing!! Yay me 😎 I haven’t taken a Snapchat photo and sent it out in a while. I still wonder if they even look at what I send. I know some do, but, then anxiety tells me that they don’t care to see my face at all… and I honestly don’t know the answer to that question. I can only hope that they do.

Anyhow, I feel like this has been one long run on sentence and I really should go eat now. Beginnings are always hard, and with this new beginning on the horizon, marathon training that is, I will strive to hold myself accountable with it. With that, and other things as well. Still have a few things left to do tonight so I shall end it here. If you need help, make that call. It’s not the end, I promise, we can do this. Good night friends~😘