Are You Running?

About two or three weeks ago, I read on RunnersWorld on Instagram a story about a woman who had done a marathon and documented it but she had never done any race ever and she was overweight and she walked the whole thing. I liked the story because I like to see the good in the world and see that people are able to do amazing things when they commit to it. Will she do another race? Will this be her thing? I wanted her to proud of herself as I myself have been able to do (not all of the time, but I have felt so good that I felt like my insides were going to burst from the light that wanted to get out. Like a statue breaking from within, that ever elusive runner’s high. That’s amazing!) and I wanted that for her.

Since I have taken up running long distance running, I have found an amazing group of people who cheer you on and inspire you to be better and work harder. I had yet to see anyone be nasty to another in this regards. So imagine my surprise when I looked and found that there are many who took issue with the particular article. The majority of it being, she shouldn’t be featured in this post because she didn’t run any of it. I have read this thread and oh my goodness gracious! They hated that she ate while she walked, and anyone could walk 26.2 miles was another of my favorite remarks.

Taken back doesn’t begin to adequately describe what I am feeling about this. Shocked. Hurt I think is a better word for it. I took offense to some of the comments because while I have not walked an entire marathon, I did sign up for a 30 mile walk in a day. Holy motherfucking hell!!! I would rather not ever do that again. I have to be able to run some of it for me to consider doing it. Like the first 15 miles. It seemed like it was uphill the entire way, but I can assure you, dear reader, that I have run that road and it’s uphill both ways. It was the comment that stated if you have to walk during your runs, you’re not a real runner that was particularly hurtful to me. I’m not her and I don’t know the back story any more than what was featured in this article. But it nearly took my breath away to see that in black and white.

I am not an elite runner. I never will be. I would like to do a marathon in less than 6 hours, but, that’s a lot more work than what I want to do right now. I am nursing a injured leg and have to make sure that when it starts to have that twinge that I have to begin walking. I was never a long distance runner, but, I love the miles.

It took me back to another group long ago, 7? 8? 9 years? Not too sure, 2020 feels like it was 7 years ago and I am shocked to see how much has changed in that time. I have been lucky enough now, in this time, to see Leslie Jones hosting the Daily Show. Oh I like her a lot!! She’s brilliant. More Leslie Jones!!! I digress. It was group of veterans and there were many on there and one day, I came across a post that said if you didn’t have an honorable discharge, you can’t call yourself a real veteran.

OK. First of all, who died and left these people Ed McManhon? Do they think this will invalidate their accomplishment because an overweight woman walked a marathon? I did get one comment back that said it was a page dedicated to running and while they chose to write about this one person, they didn’t highlight that another women broke a running record? I was more impressed with this comment. It gave a different solution to what was a perceived problem. It really broke my heart to see this. It was then that they started to get super petty. Like fucking Karen, can I talk to your manager petty. One woman went onto another profile and started throwing shade at her for her posts that didn’t have anything about running on it. Whoa! Fucking call the manager for being that childish. I wanted to say something to them both. Did you know that famed runner and author, mentor and coach, Jeff Galloway has a running walk method for different distances? He’s set records and he walks part of it, is he know magically not a runner because he walks for a part of it?

The sun goes down. The water is near to the dock again

I thought about these things for my run today. Yes, I walked some of it. Largely in part to the amount of ice that I dodged so I wouldn’t fall down and break my crown 👑 But that muscle, it tells me when it’s time to stop running and walk for a bit. I remember turning onto Larson Road and thinking what gives these people the right to say that you aren’t good enough to be featured in any article on the internet? For fucks’s sake, grow up people. Your small mindedness is really ugly and no matter who you are, once that stink gets on you, it’s a lot like the smell of desperation. It’s a hard one to get off. It turns you ugly. The audacity of people on the internet is overwhelming sometimes.

It was coming up on to mile three when this was really something that was bothering me. Just made me so angry. I set records when I was young, in junior higher running. Actual school records, I was a sprinter. I’m still very proud of that. Why? Because I was always looked at funny when I told others I was a sprinter. “You don’t look like a runner, let alone a sprinter” is what I would hear as they looked me up and down. I was a chunky kid. I’m still thick. I love my curves right now. But tomorrow is a new day and as I get a bit older, I am starting to notice things hurting more than they used to and I take a bit longer to heal than I used to.

At this point in my running, if I have to walk, I’m going to walk. I have to listen to my leg now, I have no desire to re-injure myself. I guess if I don’t run the entire time, then I’m not a runner. And I guess if a real veteran has to have an honorable discharge, then I’m just not a real veteran… I have busted my ass to be able to call myself both of those thing. These opinions are stupid and full of bullshit. This does not invalidate an elite runners accomplishment. This does not invalidate a person who served in a time of war in a theater of war. We were on the offensive side of that war. I worked hard to be where I am and I simply refuse to let others opinions of bring me down. I feel like this kind of thinking proves my little sisters theory that some people just don’t have the sense that god gave lemons.

I got home from my run dn thought about this some more. I know I shouldn’t let it get to me. I know I should just drop the whole thing and keep going and smile, but I feel like I am sick to death of smiling and letting others tell me what they think I should or should not be. This is a subjective opinion piece on a runners page. We aren’t talking about, the Supreme Court did what again? Or the war in Ukraine. Or any group of facts strung together. This is a sport. Some are elite. Others just can’t live without it. If you consider that in 5 years this woman will still be able to say I walked a full marathon and I can do fill in the blank, so can you. I would rather hold someone up as the cross the finish line than worry about a PR. We are a herd. You take care of each other in a herd. The miles are all the same, no matter how long it took you to get to the finish line.

For the majority of the runners that I have met, I have yet to meet anyone who has said anything like this. So I am lucky in that regard. But, I am also glad that I chose to help others and build them up instead of tearing an accomplishment apart because it doesn’t match someone’s image of what a runner should look like.

I am tired now. I ran hard and I am so grateful for the ability to do my best. I have been pushing myself and I can start to feel some of the good from my efforts. Why, you may wonder. Am I trying to lose weight? Umm.. 😂No. I want to at myself in the mirror, naked and be proud of what this body has been able to do and has been able to overcome to get where I am now. Where am I now? I am able to run again, and working on getting my leg stronger. I was born with a twisted hip and as a result I had to wear special shoes – think ‘magic shoes’ from Forrest Gump – and I have injured that same leg again and again. Most recently, you may remember dear reader, the tear in rectus femoris on September 3rd. I was down for weeks, and had a hard time walking two weeks later. I was lucky enough that I didn’t need surgery. I don’t want to hurt myself. I am getting up and doing it and not only getting out and doing it, but, putting a lot more effort and focus into running than I have ever done before. And that includes running track for three or four years. I want to make a comeback and be better than I was before. I would love to have a running parter. I have been lucky enough to have had two woman running partners whom I love dearly. Now it’s just me and The Yolandi Dog and my thoughts. The buddy was the one who helped you push yourself harder. Never had a faster pace than when Vanessa and I were able to run regularly. And she was way faster than I was. Now we walk instead. I like that we can focus more on the conversation than what I was able to do while running. I could focus on what she was saying, but me trying to run and talk at the same time is not something I can do very well. I want to be strong and leaner.

And with that thought, I must finish a few other projects. Look out for two more posts tonight 😎🤩😘

Deviating From the Route

In this Wednesday’s edition of Unfinished Thoughts, I talk about The Yolandi Dog. She sat in my lap today, striking poses from my camera as if she had been doing that her whole life… Funny girl.

September 19?, 2019

I first started running about 4 and half years ago. It seem strange to say that now, because I can’t really imagine not running or at least walking if I can’t run. I am so beyond grateful for that. Anyhow, I ran at first with only Vanessa. She was with me the first time I ran a full mile. And then three miles, and then five miles. I love this sport and it’s because of her. About a year after I started, we had a dog move in with us. I had reservations about it. It was shortly after we had gotten married, though we lived together for a long while before we got married. It was spring and windy. All the time windy. In September of that year, my husband suggested I started to run with the dog. I didn’t like the idea. She was still a puppy and full of energy and hard to control, how would I manage to keep her on track all the time? I fought it and I hated it at first. And then I started to find that if I didn’t hold her and I used a belt to put something around myself and strap the leash to the belt, I would be alright.

We have logged many miles, the dog and I. In a few weeks, we start training for a marathon. It has me a bit nervous, but, I think I will be alright. I least I hope so. As of right now, I have three races between now and then, with a possibility of three. The first one being this weekend. I’m not trying to win or anything like that, I am going to run with my sister and my dad and I think it’s going to be a blast.

About a year and some change ago, I noticed that the dog was not doing as well as she had been. She seemed like she wasn’t interested in running at all. I was besides myself thinking that there was something wrong with my dog. I hated to admit it, but I was in love with my best friend, The Yolandi Dog, that I had found who loved to run as much if not more than I did.

April 21, 2021

I want to address what I was talking about here. She was not running. She didn’t want to go out and if she did, it was only around the block and not very energetic at all. I thought something was really wrong with her. And then, magically, one of the ladies in my running group said her dog was doing the same thing and what could it be. Turns out, dogs, just like people, get bored with the route you take. It’s the same thing over and over again, day after day, with little to no variation. Change the route you take. Go backwards, take a different trail, do something different to change things up a bit. (facepalm here) Dammit. Why didn’t I think of that? I was grateful for the advice and we started to do things a bit different. And sure enough, she started to act like she wanted to go for a run again. Hooray!!

I think it’s funny, reading this now, how I am about 4 weeks from marathon training and I have a race this weekend, virtual of course, and I’m looking forward to it. I have much going on this weekend; giving a massage, cleaning one spot of the house, Piper’s closet, and trying to relax a bit. Oh, and like an asshole, I told my mom I was going to come over this weekend, and I didn’t, but, I really need to go see her. I asked for her help and then I flaked. Typical. I feel very overwhelmed a lot more than I can say and I feel very overwhelmed at work, and that spills into personal life because I’m so exhausted that I just can’t seem to find the desire to get my ass in gear. I want to zone out and tune out and I feel a lot of pressure to get things done. From whom? From myself.

I want to think that I can do anything. That I take care of myself and that I am doing the best I can at work, that I can be that superwoman. I put so much pressure on myself to be the perfect me, that I don’t give myself permission to be the best me I can, and let that shit go. I have the burning desire to be perfect, and I am far from that. I know that I am far from that, and I still feel like I should be perfect. UGH!! I know! Let it go Julie.

Meanwhile, back at the bat cave, The Yolandi Dog and I still vary the route because we need to. It’s not fun when you get stuck in a rut and only take the same boring route day in and day out. There needs to be some change to it. Last night, Kelsie and I took the dog on the highway run. It’s not my most favorite due to the sidewalk being fucked up. It’s like an acid wash on concrete, the stones in the mix are exposed and crumbling and hard on my feet. It was nice to change it up a little and deviate from the chosen route.

This morning, I had it all planned out. I had my clothes laid out and I was ready to go. And then I just didn’t want to go. Shocking right? I put on my bathrobe and went downstairs, and waited for the coffee to finish brewing. It wasn’t 5:30 yet, but nearly, so I sat down on the couch. Now, right now, the living room is very sparse. We have furniture for it, but, we ordered new bedroom furniture and so, since there is a lot of room with so much less in the living room, we are going to wait until the bedroom set gets here. The couch, which is two pieces of a modular couch, a corner and a middle piece, sit under the window which faces the eastern sunrise. I love that spot, in the back of the corner piece and watch the sun come up. Once the coffee was ready, I poured myself a cup and went back to that spot. It was a lovely morning. And then, the dog came down and jumped into my lap. And then I took photos of my beautiful girl. She’s such a pretty thing. Love that shit head so much! The black and white photos really look stunning if you ask me. She’s so funny, as if to pose for the photos. Kids. 🙂

I sat there a bit longer and my husband comes downstairs to get coffee. I looked outside and noticed the wind was already shaking the fir tree next to the front window. It had already started. Yuck! The wind around here can top 60 mph gusts and it makes the whole place sound like the roof will come off the house… at least it does at work. According to the late, great Alex Trebek, Springerville is the windiest city in the country, and if he said it was, it’s the truth. I live less than an hour from there, and let me tell you, the wind here fucking sucks!! There is no nice way to put it. My hair stays up for so much of the year due to the elements of the this place, no one really sees how long it has gotten. In the summer it’s in a bun, because it’s the easiest way to where it. In the winter, it gets pretty static ridden. So it goes up, again. The wind season around here will see my hair stuck in the car door if it’s down or rolled up in the window. That’s not cool. The wind again. It’s here for so much of the year, and it’s all people talk about at work with customers, is the wind. That’s like bitching about snow when you live in the mountains and it’s winter time. It happens every year. Wow. And with wind like that, there is no run.

I din’t use cruise control the whole way home due to the wind. The widows were all closed in the bedroom when I got back upstairs and you could hear the wind, howling. Today I was ok with it. No restlessness to speak of, which was nice. I longed to be home, in my room, not listening to anything except for the wind as it moves through the trees. I take comfort in it on days like today. Though the weather suggests that the wind has died down today, it’s still blowing at 19 mph. Ugh! I had really wanted to get some in this afternoon.

I am hoping for some good sleep tonight. And I hope for some good sleep, or sunshine for you too, dear reader. Time for some food and some sleep. Good night friends.. Peace~

New Years Day vs. April Fools

I was looking over the drafts that I had started a bit ago and thought that these were worthy thoughts that I wanted to share with you, dear reader, so I am going back over them and finishing those thoughts. Some are going to be painful and hurt, and some are silly and who the fuck knows what the hell I was thinking at that time. I didn’t want to leave it hanging any more. So, for tonights installment of my random weird thoughts, I give you my thoughts on the day that they were originally written, corrections being made only in grammar and spelling, and then the results, or the end of those thoughts as they are now. Hopefully more educated, wiser, better informed. I hope that it makes sense and that you will forgive me for not finishing the thoughts the day they came to me. I do tend to loose the inspiration if I don’t get it all done in the first sitting. Which, interestingly enough, is talked about in Steven Kotler’s books, an author I will be talking about later, though, it might not be either of the books that I will tell you about in this selection.

January 1, 2021

All day today, I was playing on social media when taking a break from re-arranging the living room -this is to allow for better use of the space. I noticed that everyone was talking about the year and how this year is holding a lot more promise than that of last year. I am no different I am afriad. I love the New Year for that reason. I like that it’s a time of reflection, of perspective, of hope, and of what good is to come. I like that when I was growing up, it was our duty to come to dinner with a list of two things. First was what are we grateful for. What kind of wonderful things happened that we could remember before dinner that night, because, really, we didn’t have that until the last minute. And the second was our list of our New Years Resolutions. In thinking of it, I would like to think that it’s because my parents wanted us to take a look at our selves, a bit of introspection or self evaluation if you will. To take a look at ourselves and see if we could make ourselves better people in the process.

I haven’t really made resolutions for a long time. I don’t like the idea of making a point to try to do something or be something or lose something or gain something. I want to be realistic in what I can do and what I think I can do. There are some goals that are lofty that I have and there are some that I would like to accomplish, and then there are some that are a bit unlikely, but would be lovely, like building my own house, or rather, having my dream house built for me. Last year I set out to run a marathon and you know it, I did it. I wanted to run 1500 miles, and I made it to just under 900 miles. Am I disappointed, no, not really. I could be really hard on myself and say that I was lazy, but, in truth, I just became really overwhelmed and lost it. I wasn’t shut down during the pandemic and it was a lot harder on me than what I would like to admit to online. I had a hard time, and I made it through it. For now at least. And so, with the amount of stress that I have been under, I give myself a lot of slack and don’t allow for the thought of I’m being lazy. No, I’m not lazy, I’m exhausted. And there are days when I have to listen to my body and hope that my dog will forgive me for not taking her on our walk.

My grandmother passed this past year, just over a year now and I made a decision to run for her, for each year that she was alive, 87. Then, I signed up for a 500 mile in 95 day virtual race. I guess that what I wanted to set a goal that I knew I wasn’t going to hit and I tried anyway. I made it from April to December taking a total of 43 days off with only three days missed from the 19th of June until October 3rd. And then it was more like take day, workout like five days and then take two or three days. I made it 325 miles in 95 days, which was really good for me, I am so glad I did it. In fact, I got the shirt after submitting all my miles and an email was sent out saying that since we had put in so much effort into it, they were going to send us all the medals and shirts. It’s my favorite shirt right now.

I wanted to take up playing my trumpet again, and while that hasn’t happened, Covid did instead. I have the trumpet and have moved it upstairs where I will put a mute in and practice up there. As for making it into the symphony, well, right now isn’t the best time for it. So I will just practice and keep going.

I have put a lot of thought into what kind of goals do I want to set for myself. I have come up with two so far, and I will tell you, dear reader what they are now. First of all, I love taking photos. I love the beauty of the sunrise and sunset and I love seeing how the landscape looks at first light. I also am vain and love taking selfies! Not that I think I’m all super great to look at, but, I just enjoy taking the photos. So with these two things in mind, I will give you the goals. To go along with my love of photos, I am going to dedicate this year’s photos to black and white only. Why? For a few reasons actually. I have always thought that the contrast of the black and white photos were so amazing. Take Ansel Adams and his shots of Yosemite or Yellowstone. Or for instance the photo of the sailor and the nurse after the victory of World War II. I love it. When I got married the first time, I had made sure to buy black and white film for it. When I got photos done professionally when Piper was only 6 weeks old, my favorite one was a black and white. When I moved home, I was getting up from dinner with my parents, and I saw the photo again, they had a small version of it, and I said, I look so good in black and white. I wish I could marry a guy who only sees in black and white. Now, unbeknownst to me, that’s an actual thing. And wouldn’t you know it, the man I married, sees only in black and white and about 13 shades of gray. I see more than a million shades of colour on the spectrum. I can’t see it clearly, but, that’s not the point. I want to take a year and look at life the way that my husband does. I hate that sunsets are lost on him, but, I will do my best to capture it as close to what he sees as I can understand. I watched It’s a Wonderful Life in Technicolor for the first time, or rather it was just coloured over, but, it was too much for me, I wept at it. It was so strange, so I can only imagine how odd it would be for him to try to process what our world looks like to him. He says colour sighted people are handicapped in that we don’t know how to describe our world to him without using colours. He wasn’t allowed into the Marines because of it. I had a hard time when we first started dating trying to explain things without colour or how to describe a colour. I can say with confidence now, that, I have gotten better at it. I’m not the best, and trying to understand how he gets by with this kind of limited vision. There are many things that I have already been able to see and be stunned by them.

The same spot, the same time, the day… without color

For the next part of my resolutions, I wanted to take the year and take the filter that I love so much to use with Snapchat. I love doing my post run selfies, however, in the summer time especially, my face gets so red and flushed when I run because of how hot I get. Living in Arizona is great, but the summers are brutal at best. Even living in the mountains, I’m not immune to the heat of the desert. I love the filters because they take the red that is in my face naturally and it makes it look so much less hot. Less like I’m on fire. Oh well.

New Year’s Eve, Last day using my favorite filter

March 29, 2021

For the most part, I am doing well with my goals for the year. I have been commissioned to do a photo of the mountains and the sky in black and white, so I think I could be on to something with this. I am thinking of doing the masterclass series with Annie Lebowitz.. The last person who took a photo of John Lennon, and not to brag but I was born on his birthday and his mother and I share the same name. Which makes us cool peeps together. I love the idea of taking photos of the place around me and that others like them and want them as well.

I added another goal after I first decided to have resolutions. It was to listen to books on tape when I was driving to work. I mean, it’s over an hour daily, I might as well learn something while I am doing that. I can tell you for sure, dear reader, that I am loving these books. My favorite author so far is Steven Kotler, who has written many books, 15, of which I have listened to 7 with an 8th in line, but, the ones that I’m crazy about are the ones that discuss neuroscience and how when we do something, like put in the correct word in the crossword puzzle, what the biology of our brains is doing at that time. There are now reasons why I will play a bit of mind games, think Sudoko or Majong or something that is going to require that I have to use strategy because I will count on that little squirt of dopamine to help pick my mood up if I’ve been feeling less than stellar that day. I also love the books written by Vishen Lakhiani, The Code of The Extraordinary Mind and the one that I am currently on, The Buddha and The Badass. And trust me, there is so much in these books that I wish I had the hardcopies of so I could refer back to them on a regular basis. Well, I did purchase the latter two books and the two of Steven Kotler’s books, The Rise of Superman: Decoding The Science of Ultimate Human Performance and Stealing Fire: How the Silicone Valley, the Navy SEALs, and Maverick Sciencists are Revolutionizing the Way We Live and Work, for my nephew for Christmas. Whether he reads them or not, we shall see… I think he would really like Stealing Fire. The idea was to turn my drive to a time where not only could I relax from the day, I could also make myself a little bit better as I did so everyday.

There was another one that I had thought of, but, it must not have been that important since I can’t remember it at all. I mean I thought it was important but I didn’t write it down, and therein lies the problem.

I would like to add that altogether this isn’t a resolution as is it more of a stand on things I can’t support. At the beginning of the year, Nabisco introduced something amazing!! Gluten Free Oreo! I couldn’t have been more excited about cookies I wouldn’t normally buy but now I can. I had gotten two for Piper, and after only getting two cookies collectively from those two bags, got myself a bag. And then I found another one and bought that one too. As I had taken a week and a half to eat them, I wasn’t paying that much attention to them. I happened to turn the package over and read the list for the ingredients. I was crushed to see palm oil listed as the second item. No!!! I threw away the last two and haven’t touched the other bag. I also gave up eating containers of frosting for the same reason… it would take me months to eat that, I wasn’t like eating it all at once.. ewww.. Just need some sugar. And it was dark chocolate sugar. So good, until again, I see that the second item listed is palm oil. Why is palm oil a bad thing you may wonder. I don’t agree with the conditions in which it’s made. I have to take a stand somewhere. It’s not much, and it’s food that I really don’t need to eat, so I guess it’s not something I could consider a loss, but, I will miss double stuff cookies. Because really, anything other than a double stuff Oreo is just a diet Oreo.

The last month, I have had a hard time with getting back into the grove of things with running. It seems to me that I am consistently having a slow month in March. Maybe it’s my subconscious telling me to take a breather for my anniversary. Liking going into hibernation for the Ides of March. For two weeks, on each side of it. Give or take a few days. I managed to get through David Goggins 4x4x48 at the beginning of the month, and then my body took a lot longer to recover than I thought it would. And then I got sick, well, a head cold and that threw me off too. Or rather I got sick and then recovering was hard since it was only a few days after the challenge that I got sick. Hmmm.. I may be onto something with that… Who knew

I am slowly working back into it. I am going to be working on my training because I really enjoy it, and it’s not dreadfully hard, so maybe I can shave some time off of my miles. Today was hard to get out of bed, like usual, but I did manage to do it and get going. Last week I started off this way too, and I discovered that being prepared helped a great deal when getting ready to go run. It wasn’t a spectacular run, but, the sunrise was lovely. I am about to head upstairs and get my stuff ready for tomorrow so I am ready. I want to be better. I want to get things done, I do so much better when I have got my run in!! Like the whole day is so much better when I get up and go run. And I need to get a good night’s sleep. I am looking forward to that. I’m looking forward to starting the day right. Makes for a happier day altogether. Anyhow, for now, Peace kids~