Adding Weights

I was thinking about my running lately and the lack thereof. Also of my writing and the lack thereof as well. I have noticed that my leg is starting to not feel great and was sore a lot more than it had been. So I thought about it, and after watching a video on social media, where I don’t know, that had someone talking about not feeling like doing something like a run, it cut to a video of David Goggins saying “Fuck your feelings!!”. That gave me pause.

Big springs. The beaver was out checking his house

I have been saying that I wasn’t feeling it for a long time now, and seeing that made me realize that yeah, fuck my feelings. I needed that wake up call. I can’t say that since that time, all of a week, I have changed my life and mended my ways and now I am just killing it. Not quite.

I have saved tons of videos of abs moves I can do to help with the midsection as well as my back. I thought, I can add a few of those to my leg exercises. So I have. I thought I would start slow, so I’m only up to two sets of ten for each exercise, and I’m still pretty sore from the ab work, but, I put on pants today that were a little too tight two weeks ago. I can’t say that I’m seeing results already, but that would be nice. I did not however, go out for a run this morning with the dog. I got up later than I had planned. Which isn’t a big deal, it’s what it is.

Working on my abs is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I thought for sure they wouldn’t hurt this bad for so long, and I keep forgetting that when you stop doing things, when you start them again, things are sore and hurt for a while. I tried to run on the treadmill this weekend for my run on Sunday, and that gave me shin splints. So, I decided to go to the pool and do laps instead, and that was lovely. The water was cool, but not cold and then I sat in the hot tub with a very nice couple from New Jersey. It was a very good morning for me.

I am less than a week from starting but I am loving how my body is responding to it. Now the hard part is not eating a ton of cookies before bed time. I will go with my golden milk instead, which is far more filling and a shit load better for me. Tumiric is an anti-inflammatory that is activated with black pepper, so those are in it, as well as ginger, cinnamon and cardamon. I love Cardamon. I use that in my coffee daily, take the bitterness out of it. Thomas taught me that 🥰

I can say that I have taken some beautiful shots of the sunrise the last week.. Week, I say week, it’s been like 6 days. I’m a huge fan of the sunrise. I suppose it’s because I have been getting up early since forever and so I naturally just get up early. I would love to be retired and just sleep until the dog jumps on me to get up.. Which is around 6, but that’s sleeping in for sure. Of course, I am exhausted by the time 8 pm rolls around and want nothing more than to fall asleep, but that’s not the point. Might as well make the most of the time that I have when I am awake. I feel like I should get up when the alarm goes off.. at 4.30, but I tend to hit stop and then the alarm goes off at 4.42 and then I get up.. I need to be up earlier to ensure I get the run in. That’s the favorite part of the day. It’s still summer out so doing an evening run with the dog isn’t going to be a thing for a few months.

Being retired. I want to be retired. I want to sleep in, and drink coffee slowly while sitting on the porch swinging and watching the birds come and go, watching the squirrels come and go. Watch the sun come up and feel the warmth of the rays as they wash over me. Take a deep breath, and close my eyes and just relax. It’s all good. Moving slow and stretching and then running. How far depends on what day it is, or if I’m training for a race (which would indicated how far on what days, so that’s a redundant statement, but I’m going to leave it in, for the fun of it). Finishing the run and then stretching again, maybe spoiling myself with an ice cold hard cider afterwards. It’s apple juice, right? Sure helps with the poo. Can’t be that bad then 😉😁

I haven’t made any goals since deciding to do this again. I mean I want to lose weight but I feel like that goes without saying. I have simply looked at the things I am doing and trying to do better. Be determined to finish something. Like making curtains for the van.. Or finishing Kelsie’s skirt. Or anything else that I have started and never finished. I saw a documentary yesterday called The Shoemakers Dreams.. Loved that!! Any movie about shoes is all for me. I love shoes, wish they were more comfortable to wear though. This man, the one the show was about, invented the wedge heel. Genius if you ask me!! In it, he said, stay determined, no matter how much you want to quit. That kind of struck me as well… So fuck my feelings and stay determined. Guess that is how I will accomplish my desire, don’t stop until I’m done. I want to get to a comfortable size 8 in pants.. Not sure what the circumference of those would be, but, that’s where I would like to be. I want to have a fit looking body, but not just fit looking, actually fit. I added weights to my routine to help with this.

Nothing fancy, I’m using a 5 pound weight and doing simple moves with them, but, they are effective. They will go up in size as the time goes by, but, for now, it’s where I am.

I’m sure there are deer in there… somewhere

A week later:

I have still been doing my stuff. I’m actually kind of excited about it. I want to move up to 8 pound weights. I only have 10. Looks like tomorrow we will be doing 10 pounds for the weights.

I have twice felt like eating red vines for a snack and went for grapes instead. Eating salsa like it going out of style. I can’t help it. It’s fresh weekly at my house. Plus it keeps me pooping regular. 😁💩

I was bad and had drinks this weekend. Last night beer. A Kilt Lifter. The night before rum. Why? Well. Yesterday Little Gotro was driving so I had a beer. I don’t usually do those ones either, I like my hard ciders. But I wanted something on tap. The night before I had a rough day. I knew something small was going to set me off and then something did. And I knew I would milk it and let it piss me off and I did. So I had some rum and pineapple soaked in coconut water. So damn good. Then some rum and strawberries. Again. So good!! Am I angry with myself for not having a good food day? No. It’s not the end of the world. I might drink this coming weekend too but that because my little goose is leaving again. Let’s not talk about that one.

High Mountain Half race.. yesterday morning

How is the weights doing for me so far? Well, dear reader I am pleased to say that my pants are fitting better. In fact, I’ve been able to wear a size ten pants twice this week and not feeling like they are too tight. Work in progress is the best I got for you.

Will keep you posted on the weights thing. I think I could be onto something. Fuck my feeling indeed. Just do it.

Happy week friends.

Wednesday Appointment: Pulmunologist

Today I get to go take a little trip to Flagstaff to go see a doctor. Let’s rewind a bit so you can see how I got to this point.

On Christmas Eve last year, I started to get sick. The next evening I was dying. I had a hard time focusing enough to get through dinner and my biggest worry was I hope I don’t get everyone else sick too. It got bad enough that after two weeks of feeling super shitty, I went to urgent care. Two ear infections and bronchitis. She said if the wheezing didn’t stop to come back and see her. I didn’t. Instead I waited four months to go see my PCP.

Now my PCP is currently on deployment in a place near the equator. I can’t spell it. I write to him once a month because he’s also a friend that I work with and deployment is long and tiring… I need to reply to his email… anyhow I’m seeing the clinic CMO or Chief Medical Officer. He calls me about a week or so before my appointment and wants me to do a chest CT and a pulmonary function test (PFT). I was able to get to chest CT done before my appointment. And labs done but that’s nothing exciting to hear about, because my labs say I’m super healthy. Yay. Took another week before I could get my PFT done. Once he got that information I got called back to his office to have him talk about the results. And the results say I have asthma and shitty lungs. He sending me to a specialist, a pulmonologist.

I don’t claim to know much of what I hear when talking to the RNs and our NP about medical conditions and things of that nature. I didn’t go into medicine, I went into massage. We didn’t go over didn’t diseases and things to help them. All I could get from them is I should be on some kind of daily treatment plan to help mitigate my problems. So far I’ve been using a thing with my inhaler before I go run. Seems to help a great deal. The appointment today is supposed to help clear up some confusion. My confusion. Like are the results of these tests so bad I need to see a specialist? Dear me.

I have zero idea what to expect but I suspect it’ll be far less invasive than going to the OB/gyn. Hooray for small miracles. I do know that my appointment will take at least an hour. I don’t know what they will do or things they will want to know about. Likely they will want to know that I use medical marijuana and have for I don’t know, the last 20 years. I’ve had an Rx for it to be clear. Yes. The whole time. Except when I lived in Louisiana and before it became legal in Arizona. Might be a good time to stop smoking but it’s the fastest relief to much of my anxiety and I don’t like having to wait for medication to kick in. We shall see. She will likely also want to know that I sit on the back smoke deck while everyone else smokes cigarettes. Ewww. I’m good without those. But I admit I do take a drag every so often. Super stress calls for it from time to time. And years go by between.

I have asked myself if I’m nervous about seeing the doctor today. Yes is my answer. I am nervous about it. I just lost two uncles to cancer, both of them served on active duty onboard ships in the 60s. Uncle Kenny was on the Bonham Richard (CV something). Watching the LHD with the same name go up in smoke just gutted him. It’s the name you see. It gutted me and I cried when I saw that ship go up in smoke. It’s the same platform as the Boxer. The last time I did an appointment with comp & pen I discovered I have a warning label on my medical record stating that I have been highly exposed to asbestos and I’m at a much higher risk with lung issues. This is what worries me. Mesothelioma is what scares me. That and them finding out there really was something on the ship that was giving everyone in berthing serious migraines.

Without having ever been to a specialist I have no idea what finding they will have. At 45 the last thing I want to add to my problem list is COPD. As a runner the last thing I need to deal with is lungs that won’t let me run. I already have enough issues with my left leg the last three years I don’t need something else to sideline my running. 🏃🏻‍♀️

Until this afternoon, I’m at the mercy of someone else and their knowledge. But, I get to go to Flagstaff. And Savers is a having a 30% off sale starting today and they have Greek food there! Hooray!! Not sure if I can eat there but I’m hoping. And I get to spend the day with my handsome love so that’s nice too.

For now, I’ll take the dog for a little run. She and I both need it. I’ll put some salve on my knee and stretch a little and go to the lake and back. It’ll be nice. I love mornings!

Stay tuned for the next chapter in medical life…. 😉❤️

Not sure the day last week but after a walk

Morning Stretching

Since my most recent injury, the knee, I have learned that when it comes to things, stretching may be the thing that I need. Ugh!!

As a runner, I know that stretching after a run feels amazing. A good long run, a long stretch session, hot shower and I feel like a million bucks! I know that I should stretch before running too. Therein lies the problem. I like to run in the morning. Before work which I have to be there by 7. So in order for me to get up on time and get a good run in, I have to be up and out the door before 5-515 depending on the distance. This means for me to be up and ready to get out the door I have to be up and moving by 4.30. And I can totally do that. I’m so down for that. But then, adding in the injury to the equation is where I’m having the problem. I have to now be up and stretching actively by 4.15. And for me I don’t get dressed to do my stretches in the morning so one would think that it would go faster. It doesn’t.

This morning, I had my alarm go off at 4.15. It does this daily. And then at 4.30 my phone wakes up. And then at 4.42 the alarm goes off again to get me out of bed. And then, as a last one, the alarm goes off at 5.15. If I haven’t gotten out of bed by then, it’s when I will get up. I don’t quite understand the issue I’m having these days. I want to go out and do more miles but something inside me is keeping me from it and I am not liking this. Stupid knee!

The worst part isn’t that I don’t get up, it’s that my beautiful girl thinks I hate her and I don’t want to take her out anymore. And that couldn’t end further from the truth. But she’s not always up for going out and doing the run that I want to do. I keep thinking I’ll find a solution but I have yet to come up with one. In my mind I keep thinking I’ll get up and take the dog for a nice walk. She’s not up for a lot of running these days but we can swing two miles in the morning. And then when I get home from work, change, stretch and then do my long runs. In my mind this works perfectly. If it wasn’t for all the things that have to get done when I get home. Like putting the clothes away, doing my language lesson, writing once in a while, check spelling, make sure the kids are safe while playing and do anything that Thomas might need help with. Then dinner, dishes, and take five minutes for myself.

I feel like these are all excuses but for me it’s not an excuse. I know that the time I have in the morning is likely the only time I will have for myself all day. And I know that my relationship with time needs some work (stupid ADHD), but it feels like there is t enough time to get it all done, every day. I miss so many things and I miss the sunrise. I will work on this week and check back in. Who knows, maybe something wonderful will happen and I can manage my time much better with less worry.

Buried under inches of snow the day before

Alright… time to start the day…

Sunday before the walk… looks like a spider died on my head 🕷️

A Running Hiatus: What Is Your Favorite Work of Art? What Do You Love About It?

I wonder, did they mean work of art, as in a painting, or art in general? Maybe I will go with both just for the fun of it. My favorite work of art would have to be a pull between two amazing and beautiful things. Both Hagia Sophia and The Taj Mahal. These buildings are so fantastic to see and so much detail to every bit of it. Hagia Sophia is from the Byzantine Empire, located in Istanbul and was built in 527AD. The Taj Mahal is was commissioned in 1631 by Shah Jahan as a burial place of his wife and is located in Agra, Uttar Pradesh, India. Both of them are considered to mosques. One is made of marble and the other of stone, but built by those crafty Romans who still have stuff standing more than 1,500 years later.. And I can’t get the road in my town to last more than a few years, clearly they had an advantage that we don’t.. Horse drawn stuff, and no semis. Oh well, progress right.

What I love about them both is how one is considered to have changed the face of architecture and the other is the Jewel of Islamic art. One clearly influenced the other with the domes and the decorative way it was built. I love knowing that the building was done so well, that when scientists try to figure out how the building was built to withstand earthquakes the way it has. Over and over again, they toil, building miniature scales of it and still, they can’t work out how the Romans managed to put it together in such a way that it is still here… nearly 1,500 years later. I have a theory that with the way they are finding out about how the concrete was made at that time, we may be able to replicate how they are able to hold for so long. Then again, we might not be able to figure any of it out. I feel like I’m rambling.. Sorry about that..

I don’t know how to explain why I love these two buildings or what in a general sense. I love how they look and I love how magnificent they are to see. I haven’t seen either in person, but, I have dreamt of it. I was close to being able to see the Taj Mahal, but, when I was in India, that tour was canceled. Seems for that deployment, the only two tours I signed up for, were both canceled. Weird.. 🧐

I love to see the way the lights shine on them at night when the photos are taken. I love to see how they look in the skyline against the rest of the city (Hagia Sophia) and among the green of the gardens (Taj Mahal). I have been to both countries now that I think of it… both while in the Navy though, on two different deployments beginning on two different sides of the United States. Interesting how the Navy took me to so many places.. it’s almost as if they use that as a slogan to get you to sign up.. If you get the chance to see the world, take it. It will open your mind and help you to see that there is so much more to our world than your own backyard.. Even if Dorothy tried to convince us to be happy with staying in a place that is going to kill you.. Conform girl…

It’s been a long enough time since that last time I have written anything that I wanted to publish, I feel like I’m just rambling right now.. But I have a lot to say about nothing. .. or do I have something to say after all? Is the weed kicking in yet?

However, if we are to assume that the writer of the prompt book wanted to know about my favorite piece of art and meant something that is painted or can be put in a container to be transported, then my answer is clearly going to be different. I have been to many museums and many cathedrals all over the world and I have been able to see so many wonderful works of art. I would say that my favorite piece of small art work would be a black and white photo taken by Ansel Adams in Clearing Winter Storm taken around 1937.

What do I love about it? What’s not to love about? I have a love of black and white photography and I will take lots of those. In fact when my older sister was married in January, I took lots of photos, most in black and white, and my little sister asked if I could please edit some back to color and send them to her. I have yet to do that. I didn’t remember until just now though, so maybe I will do that once I am done with this. Who knows. I like that when you see a black and white photo, it somehow feels like you’re looking into the past. I mean a photo is the past, but, when I say the past, I mean the past before color photos became a thing in the 60s? 50s? They capture details that the color photos just seem to not have. There is a crispness to them that color just can’t seem to touch.. In my mind that is.

All of these works of art are my favorites. I love Van Gogh’s work. And da Vinci’s work. Both taught us how to capture the fine details but they did so in different ways. Honestly, I could go on and on about different works of art. For me, as far as I’m concerned, architecture is my favorite. And who could forget the Colosseum. Rome built some amazing beautiful things that have stood for thousands of years. There is even a stretch of road that still remains that you can walk. Built by the great Roman Empire.

These are more than just buildings to me. They hold secrets and hidden places. They are held in my heart as the most beautiful pieces of art work.

The Existential Dread That Seeps In

I’m having an off day you could say. I have tried to help it with uplifting music only to find that the playlist is not hitting it. Talking to people makes me feel worse. And then there is the incoming news that daily makes me want to vomit or hide and maybe come out in years to come.

You’ve had those days I’m sure. When it starts out good and then for whatever reason it just turns south for no fucking reason at all. Shit I can’t even get my computer to come up now either making it all that much more annoying!

Computer crisis has been handled. But still. It’s a day. It feels like one of those days that should be great and wonderful and has all the potential for being a decent day. And then you go to work. And it starts off fine and dandy. And then slowly between the conversations and the work you start to feel like the world is going to crumble on top of you and you can’t stop it. Crying doesn’t help because what the fuck good do tears do?!

I feel like I’m treading water. Just barely able to keep my head afloat and I’ve been trained for ocean swimming. In fact, I’m a class two swimmer. 🏊‍♀️ I can’t help my girls. I can’t help myself. I’m just not drowning right now. There is that tightness in my chest that wants to crush my soul and I can’t do anything but hope. And holy hell, hope isn’t something I really have anymore.

Hope is an illusion for me. There is none right now. Not for my country which has turned into a fucking shit show from hell with the most horrific person about to re-take the helm. Not for my fellow veterans who were so brainwashed to think this man is going to help them. I hold on to the fact that maybe we won’t be a second Germany based solely on the fact that we still have laws. Which in my mind are about to be broken and tarnished by a man who tried to stage a coup. And got away with it. 🤢🤮🤮🤮

I wanted to have hope for my girls. One is having a hard time and while she doesn’t want to kill herself, she doesn’t really want to live at this point. One is in college and home for winter break. She came home smelling so bad I’m shocked my dad didn’t make her shower before they left town. I wanted her to go and have fun and be young and go enjoy the whole living on campus thing. Make new friends. And instead she’s (likely) failed biology, dropped her scholarship and now wants to just be able to move back in at the end of the school year.

I have failed. 😞 I wanted to have hope for my grandchildren who I thought were going to be able to get a good education but with the department of education being dismantled and history currently being re-written to help white kids feel less upset about the horrors of what happened so many times here in this country. Not here’s what happened. We fucked up and let’s make it better. Nope. Just going to pretend they were all happy and got along and shit like slavery didn’t exist. We have failed our founding fathers.

The lake Saturday morning with geese flying

This is what goes through my head on a random Friday afternoon. I’m grateful that I got a text from a friend who just asked left or right. Because in those small text messages, I was able to bring myself back to the present moment of what I needed to be doing right then. And it helped me relax. And all was well again. Until it wasn’t.

Fast forward to around 1.30am Saturday (yesterday) morning when my husband gets a phone call from the dad of my grandkids. Please help me, Kelsie is having a hard time to say the least. And while I’m not going to go into a ton of personal details about it, she can talk about it if she wants, it amounted to she was drunk and yelling and it caused a big riff. Her little sister came to my house to sleep due to the yelling. She collapsed in a ball of tears after walking through the front door. Told her go upstairs, you’re safe. Thomas and I stayed up and watched something. And when that one was over, around 4.30 we made coffee and put on another movie and went back upstairs to the room. the movie got turned on and off to sleep my sexy love went. I couldn’t sleep.

Instead I got dressed and took the dog out. It was nearing sunrise and it’s the normal time to take her out. We got dressed and walked two miles. In those two miles that takes an hour to walk now, I talked to Vanessa. Ranted at her for an hour is more like it. I told her how I was feeling and how the shit with the girls was making me crazy. And not the good crazy. I ranted until I had to stop for a bathroom break. I can say it was so good for me to be able to get that all off of my chest. And there was a lot for sure.

The lights hadn’t quite gone out this morning

Tom and I did a lot of shopping and then by 4.30 I was fading fast. A good two hour nap was just what I needed. And then he brought me food for dinner. I was asleep quite quickly following that and now it’s morning again. Got home from the walk and my favorite Christmas movie was on. A Christmas Carol with George C. Scott. It follows the book so very closely and I have loved that movie since it came out in 1984. Much to do now. The dread is holding at bay for now and I will persevere to keep going forward. Things will work out, they always do and I have faith that this is no different. We will get through it. For now then, good day to you all 😎🤩❤️

Who’s Driving

Yesterday, I went to the post office to mail a package to my daughter at college. I drove myself and Ella, my granddaughter. She helped to carry in the package. Getting into the car was a little rough. Getting out of the car was even harder and a lot more painful than I had expected. And then I had to do it again to get back home and I decided that I will not be driving again until I am feeling like my knee is ready for it.

The kids spent the night last night and for our movie for bedtime, Inside Out 2 was the chosen flick. I laughed at some of it and cried at a lot more of it. When I put on my eyeliner this morning, I noticed that my eyes were puffy from the tears and decided to go with black eyeliner. Seems to hide that a little bit. We watched both of them this afternoon. And again I cried. And it got me to thinking as Thomas and I sat outside about what emotions do I let drive. What emotions are being shoved down and bottled up?

I want to take an honest approach to this and just say it. I’m pretty sure that I let anxiety and sadness and fear drive most of the time. And due to certain unfair circumstances related to my knee breaking, I’m pretty sure that joy had been sent to the back of my mind for a while.

It’s strange really. I just got all my medication for all of that, and I haven’t thought it worth it enough to actually remember to take the damn things for the last week. Not only that, but I can say that since I have broken myself taking my other medication has come to crawl as well. I wonder if that has anything to do with the feelings I’m having as of late. There isn’t anything helping to regulate those emotions. Anxiety needs a special chair and some tea. Fear needs to just relax. Fuck, and I’m still just pissed off about my knee. Most of these feelings wouldn’t be going on if I could fucking run!!! I have repressed anger a lot as well. That one I think I have repressed for most of my life and it only really comes out when things don’t go my way. And If I’m being honest, most of the time they do go my way. I try to plan, and I try to take care of the little details before doing things so I’m prepared. But, I have that burning thought of I’m not good enough echoing through my head far more often than what I want to admit.

I want to write some more right now, but my eyes are starting to close and I’m getting tired, more to come later. Like tomorrow… hopefully this thought doesn’t get lost in the back of mind between now and then.. 😎

A few days later…

I refilled my media-sets this morning and made sure to take them today. I haven’t thought much about who was driving since Friday night. I’ll admit, it’s been a tense week for all of us, and I’m grateful for the two days of the weekend. I’ve relaxed a little bit, and now I’m ready to settle in and begin a new writing adventure.

And so we being. I have decided that for the running hiatus part of this blog, I won’t have any photos in it nor will I go back and proof read this. I do realize that I think faster than I type and there are bound to be lots of mistakes in them, but overall I believe that will help me to remember which entry is which.. But then again, so it the titling part of the whole bit.

I made sure to give anxiety a few days off this weekend. I have to say it’s nice to let every one else take a stab at driving from time to time. I am hoping that she will take a back seat for a while, but I can’t say that’s going to be the case. Tomorrow is last day of the fiscal year for me so it’s going to be a busy one I’m sure. And it’s going to be a long damn month. Hopefully, I will be able to get surgery done to get my knee fixed and then back out to being outside daily again. I feel like there are many things that are going to have to happen from now on. More on that later though.

Have a good night friends 😎🤩

The Ides Of March

15March2024

If you are not aware, the Ides of March are a special day for all of us. The day changed how our modern world operates and how we can be so cruel and yet survive to see another day. In the year 44 BCE, our friend to Rome, Julius Cesar was stabbed to death, by his friends. They feared he was going to be a king and that simply could not happen. The last to stick a knife in him was Brutus. Rumor has it that he may have been Cesar’s illegitimate son. And he had been forgiven by Cesar for trying to fight him on the battlefield. The show Rome was a great adaptation of the whole thing. However, not to overshadow the killing thing, Cesar had brought together Rome and the people. They loved him. This changed how our now modern world works. This was also the day that my husband and I decided on for our anniversary. Why did I have to decide what day it was? The first year together came around and neither of us could put a finger on the exact date so we went with the Ides of March.

That was March 15. It’s now April. I think April fools day was not so great for me. I dropped my breakfast shake and it went all over the counter, got to work pissed off because I couldn’t make another one, that was the last of the fresh fruit. No toast for me either as I needed to be walking out the door, I’m grateful Thomas was there and he cleaned it up. Had sausage and crackers for breakfast. Decided I needed some more coffee. Had to hit up Walmart for it. Got there and there was no almond coffee creamer. Like none at all. Motherfuckers!! Opted for some Lemonade with blueberries. One of my most favorite flavors together. And through all of that, I’m sitting at my desk sneezing like crazy. Something is setting off my allergies really bad. I also bought some Ben & Jerry’s for lunch. Got done with lunch and went back to my office. Misty came in and she was kind enough to give me some Sudafed. I then asked my boss if it would be ok if I left early. She didn’t get back with me until about thirty minutes before I left. I ended up leaving 12 minutes early.

Got home and I knew Kelsie and the kids were going to be over so I got home and they were doing quiet time. I love being around Kelsie. She’s such a sweet and kind person. She’s a great kid! We went to the bank to get some cash and when we got back it was time to clean up and go home. So instead of crawling into bed like I had wanted, I went downstairs and helped and hugged and said farewell for the day. Sat down on the little love seat. Thomas and I stared at the TV. 📺 Willy Wonka was on. Both of us snuggled down on our respective couches and slept. For three hours. Wow I needed that. When I woke up, the movies home screen was on and playing the music to one of the songs was playing. The one about no place like pure imagination. Yeah. The one Gene Wilder sings.

Got back upstairs and crawled into bed again. I was out before ten. What a day! As for getting anything done, I did run the day before. And let me tell you I got home from my 4.69 miles and within minutes of being home it began to sprinkle. And then it rained most of the day until it started snowing. And it dumped six inches of fresh snow on the ground. I love that! Thomas and I went for a drive that night just to go and see. It was beautiful.

As for forward progress, it’s moving at a much slower rate than what I want it to happen. With the kids over so much I haven’t really taken my sewing machine out to do anything. And I had to purchase a new one!! I’m still going over all the stitches but I’m loving it a great deal.

For my running I’ll admit that yesterday didn’t happen. Miles are increasing monthly so that’s a bonus. I had hoped for a hundred mile month for at least ten months this year. Maybe I can hit 9 months of the year and just pick up extra all that I can. I’m currently sitting at just over 200km for the year. I want to hit 1024 and make my challenge goal. Would love to hit it long before that because that’s only 612 miles. I wanted to hit 1000 miles this year. I can still make it. Just need to get up and go in the mornings. And I’ve been loving sleeping in. But I miss the sunrise so it’ll be starting up again with morning runs here soon. And I’m going to want to start to do my loop again. So I’ll have to work on that a bit. Oh and I have a race/run this weekend. It’s up here at the park and it’s four laps around the park for this year’s Tilman Run. I love the shirt this year too. And it the runs 20th year. Seems like twenty years ago was lifetimes ago. Huh. 🤔 it was at least Pipers life time.

It’s weird to think of 20 years ago. We were still rebuilding as a country from the attack on the twin towers. I was still serving in the navy. So many possibilities lay in front of us all. Life was so very long ago and far away.

Anyhow. The loop is going to have to happen many times over now. I’m excited about it. I like that area. And I got new running shoes. They work well on the dirt but not as much on the asphalt. I’ll keep wearing them. But I will start doing more trails. Hoping to get more miles in this month than last. I think I need to get myself moving in that case 😁😎🤩

A Hard Truth

I have a confession to make dear reader. I have gone through the whole of my life thinking I was concerned about others and taking care of those around me. But when shown the other perspective, I realized I am not the woman I thought I was.

In my mind, I am thoughtful and do nice things for others. In my mind I give my family what they need and do so without asking anything. In my mind, I’m pretty cool. However, I had my behavior pattern pointed out to me. I am not the things I think I am. There is no “goes without saying” because it somehow slipped my mind that no one can read my mind. I hate these hard truths about myself. But at the same time, it gives me a new way to see the person that I am.

Personally, I wish I could blame it all on my changing female body and the hormonal changes that come with getting older. I’m not a spring chicken anymore, so I know my body is doing the weirdest shit possible. I can see that I do all the good things for myself, drink water, move my body regularly, not binge eat Harbro gummy bears when I want to because they are there and delicious. And yet. Somehow I feel like my body is slowing down and telling me that I am getting older.

I wish I could lie to myself and say it’s because I’m stressed out. We are all stressed. This is more than it’s just stress. This is me not taking a good look at me and seeing what my best friend, my partner sees in me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a sign of an ending to us. No. Quite the contrary in fact. I am not objective when I look at me. I want to think I’m some kind of modern, everyday, run of the mill, small town person. I like to think of myself as being pretty but not too beautiful because to be beautiful is to be vain. And I think I’m fucking awesome at being alive but don’t want to be too prideful. Insert the soliloquy of America Ferrera in the movie Barbie. Wow. Well done sister!

I have come to see myself in a different way. I’m slower, easier to anger, and faster to forget. I put in a lot of lip service and I don’t mean it. I was asked recently, that if it came down to my parents and sisters or my husband and his daughter, I would chose my sisters. And it’s stuck with me since then. I was thinking about it at work too. And it makes me wonder.

I feel like this needs to be said. I have presented like that for a long time. It was in little things. Such as the photos on my Lock Screen. Now I open it just to see the photos. I have loved writing and yet I have never written to advocate for our girls. There is so much that I have left undone (I feel an underlying theme here lately 😑👎🏻).

Since then, and when I say then I’m referring to when I started this one in November.. November 15 to be exact, I have began taking a low dose of estrogen. I started looking at people in life for who they are, not just who they are to me. That one is a hard one. I have put a lot more thought into making my relationships better. Showing affection and using a softer voice. That’s not an easy one either. Stayed off my phone more with the kids over and played with legos and cars and Buzz Lightyear. I am being an active part of my life again and running again (except for today when the Yolandi was very clear that she wanted to go home. And I know from previous days like this, that she will ensure we go back with her way because that is her way!). I find joy in my everyday life and I’m so grateful for it all.

Action needs to be a dominant force. Action needs to be my new word. Am I setting a resolution? No. I want to look at it like it doesn’t have to be a lot of progress. Just forward progress. Forward with the business. Forward with writing. Forward with a podcast. Just forward.

I feel like forward action is the theme I am going to be embracing now. Forward action to get further this year than last.

I have been running again. Not too far or anything but I’m going to finish my 1024km challenge this year. I have forgotten that it will make me sore in parts that haven’t been that sore for a while. It’s almost like starting over but I already know what to expect so there isn’t any guesswork. I had to loosen the dog’s harness yesterday after our run because she just wasn’t in it at all. I’m going to be adding miles this coming week. I haven’t done the loop in so very long it’s time I see it again. And early will be better as the ground is frozen and I can get away with being in the mud on the side of the road. I’m looking forward to running this year. I don’t have any goals for it, but I’m taking it easy this month and will be upping miles a great deal next month. If I can hit about three miles a day, that will give me a good deal of miles. But I’m wanting to get better times too so I’ll be doing work at home too. Like stretching and strength training. Oh it’ll be amazing!!

Anyhow, dear reader, if you got this far I thank you. I have wandered off topic a bit but I’m getting there again. I have a lot of work to do on myself. And today is the first day of the rest of my life. Unless it’s the last day of course. Happy Friday to you all. Let’s go have an adventure. 😎❤️

What’s on your mind?

There has been so much going on in my head that it would seem like it would take me a thousand days to get it all down. It’s strange really, I compose an entry almost daily and yet, I never seem to pick up the computer and put it in black and white. I wonder if there is a product that can read my mind when I ask it to and put it in writing… did you ever see the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? Jim Carey, Kate Winslet, Elijah Wood all play a part in this film where a woman is trying to erase the memory of a person. And every time they find a new memory of said person, they don’t seem to want to let go of each other.. He then does the same and they meet again on a bus, and start over with each other… Which makes me think of the movie What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams and today is actually the nine year anniversary of his death. Each year since then, most especially in the last two or three years, I have shed tears over it and I wondered why. Why did this one person’s death have such a profound effect on me? I didn’t know him. It’s not like we traveled in the same circles but why does it do this? I have never shed a tear for any other entertainer. I have been bummed that we lose amazing talent year after year as we all get another year older, but I am not overly tearful when it has happened to other people that I enjoyed watching their films. I digress.. What Dreams May Come was a gut wrenching film that had me in tears five minutes into it. I had to stop it to take out my contacts it was that bad.. Anyhow, a man loses his two children in a car collision. He and his wife are grief-stricken. He then dies in a a car collision or something and goes to this amazing place. Not really heaven but something amazing and wonderful. It’s an afterlife place of sorts. The other side if you will. He then learns that at some point, his wife commits suicide. He is determined to find her and bring her back from a place of no peace, of no happiness, nothing but dark and lonely forever… Well not entirely dark, think of a rainy day in the afternoon. When it’s nearly 1600 in the afternoon and it’s not the summer but not the fall yet so it’s a tiny bit chilly outside. And it’s bleak outside and it’s going to have you in tears so quickly. Grab a box of tissues for that one. But it’s so worth it. And you know how there seems to be a lot of movies that have been touching on the concept of reincarnation. I have noticed a few Disney movies that have given some interesting ideas on souls and where do they come from. What a thought though. Reincarnation. I have a feeling we find the same souls over and over again. I have had a few times where I have met someone and I know that I know them. But I don’t know where. I feel like that’s a moment in life when you find a soul you knew before somehow and the connection is fuzzy but slight enough to throw you off your rocker. Or to have flashbacks from a different life of the two of you in another time and place, as fighters not lovers. It’s such a wild ride to meet people like that. I’ve met a few people like that. I knew them at a different time. I have been thinking about the Navy a lot lately. Could be because reading/ listening to three different books about being a sailor?? I wonder?? First, I’m listening to a book by Admiral McRaven, narrated by Admiral McRaven called Sea Stories.. Wonder what he’s talking about. The next one I’m reading at lunch time at my desk is called It’s Your Ship by Captain D. Michael Abrashoff about leadership and what it means to be a good leader to your people. Ethics and stuff. The third book is called Two Years Before the Mast by Richard Henry David Jr. and it’s about him embarking as a sailor on a merchant marines ship for two years in a year I can’t remember at this time and the book is upstairs next to the bed and Thomas is in bed because he doesn’t feel good so I don’t want to go up there to be around his sick germs. I hate that he doesn’t feel good though. Means I can’t play with him. And while I was just vaccinated for my booster and I will be getting my flu shot this year, like always, I don’t want to get sick. I will love him from afar right now. From the safety of the couch downstairs. I can sometimes feel the breeze coming through the window with a light mist from the drizzle of the rain and I have the sound of rain on the tv with black screen so it’s not distracting… What’s on my mind.. Or better yet, what’s not on my mind?

IF you’ve stayed with me this long dear reader, you can clearly see that my thought pattern isn’t exactly straight. Compound that with having to do work and get things done at home, work on the business and be a good parent, and work hard at my job, and try not to say stupid things at work, there is a lot on my mind and it’s a bit chaotic in there. As you can see by the date, I haven’t pulled the computer out for a while, but I did today. It’s the perfect day with Thomas not feeling good. I can listen to what I need to and concentrate on a few things that I tend to put off as often as I can.

Yesterday I sat in the swing and talked to Thomas about some of the ideas for the business. It’s always a long conversation when we sit out back and talk. We say we are going to leave and do what ever errands need to be done at 8 in the morning and by 11 we are out the door. I was thinking about how to do some of the things we want to be able to market our product using animation. About a 30 second clip and that’s going to take some time. However, as we talked about last night, if I can spend an hour every night working on this, when we need it in six months, I will be somewhat proficient in the use of whatever animation platform that works that best. So far all I have found is that Procreate is one of the bests.. and it’s only made for iPad with the Apple Pencil. Or the iPhone. My phone is not a good enough size to really do much with that. So we then talked about other options as well. I have so many things to work on with the company that I needed to take a moment and get my thoughts down on paper.. in black and white? Whatever it is.. I want this to work and so I know that I have to put in my part of it too. So that’s what I’m doing here. Unless I find a donor who wants to give me said items so that I may do what I’m thinking would be a lot of fun and will be priceless when it comes to what we are trying to convey.

And then I told him that my plan was to spend the time daily and he asked when I was going to do that since we were already looking at 7.30 or so. I told him this was our hour long meeting about where are we going with the next steps. I’m excited for this creation. I am so hopeful that someone will want to buy it or license it. It really is a game changer. Fingers crossed.

Monday now. That was from Friday. Once again I open my computer and see that my document is still open. I hit the save draft button, it saves it no problem. I finish my thoughts and then hit save and it won’t save. Ah.. but this is why I spend the money on this was to be able to copy and paste.. So I tried to open a new pages entry and I x’ed out of this page altogether before I could copy and paste it.. UGH!!

Love black and white photos of the clouds

Today’s hour was dedicated to writing and finishing this entry. I have slacked for a long time waiting until the last minute to create something that I will look at and say, you know you didn’t do your best.. You didn’t give it your all, so with practice, that’s what I’m rolling with. Finishing thoughts and journal entries.

I have been making sure to exercise daily, and with Piper home, we walk three days a week together. Since they didn’t have school today, it was Navajo Code Talker Day, we decided to walk tomorrow. And I thought I had been doing good with food choices. I have even added a weight supplement for my slow metabolism to get it all working together.. Yeah, I gained 3 stone. I am shocked and saddened by this. I will lose it again. I didn’t eat ice cream, I have gone back to eating grapefruit. Double peel it and it’s such a wonderful fruit, with a bright flavor. Also, going with tea for a while for evening drinks. No biscuits for me, just the tea. I guess bodies are made in the kitchen. We shall see. I even walk or run lots.. I love to run, though with my hip out the last week, it’s hurts quite a lot. My back is popping even now, let’s hope the hip goes with it too.

Ok.. Now I’m tired. Have to get up early for my walk with Little Goose. We leave around 5 am.. Yay! What a Feeling!! Good night~

Are You Running?

About two or three weeks ago, I read on RunnersWorld on Instagram a story about a woman who had done a marathon and documented it but she had never done any race ever and she was overweight and she walked the whole thing. I liked the story because I like to see the good in the world and see that people are able to do amazing things when they commit to it. Will she do another race? Will this be her thing? I wanted her to proud of herself as I myself have been able to do (not all of the time, but I have felt so good that I felt like my insides were going to burst from the light that wanted to get out. Like a statue breaking from within, that ever elusive runner’s high. That’s amazing!) and I wanted that for her.

Since I have taken up running long distance running, I have found an amazing group of people who cheer you on and inspire you to be better and work harder. I had yet to see anyone be nasty to another in this regards. So imagine my surprise when I looked and found that there are many who took issue with the particular article. The majority of it being, she shouldn’t be featured in this post because she didn’t run any of it. I have read this thread and oh my goodness gracious! They hated that she ate while she walked, and anyone could walk 26.2 miles was another of my favorite remarks.

Taken back doesn’t begin to adequately describe what I am feeling about this. Shocked. Hurt I think is a better word for it. I took offense to some of the comments because while I have not walked an entire marathon, I did sign up for a 30 mile walk in a day. Holy motherfucking hell!!! I would rather not ever do that again. I have to be able to run some of it for me to consider doing it. Like the first 15 miles. It seemed like it was uphill the entire way, but I can assure you, dear reader, that I have run that road and it’s uphill both ways. It was the comment that stated if you have to walk during your runs, you’re not a real runner that was particularly hurtful to me. I’m not her and I don’t know the back story any more than what was featured in this article. But it nearly took my breath away to see that in black and white.

I am not an elite runner. I never will be. I would like to do a marathon in less than 6 hours, but, that’s a lot more work than what I want to do right now. I am nursing a injured leg and have to make sure that when it starts to have that twinge that I have to begin walking. I was never a long distance runner, but, I love the miles.

It took me back to another group long ago, 7? 8? 9 years? Not too sure, 2020 feels like it was 7 years ago and I am shocked to see how much has changed in that time. I have been lucky enough now, in this time, to see Leslie Jones hosting the Daily Show. Oh I like her a lot!! She’s brilliant. More Leslie Jones!!! I digress. It was group of veterans and there were many on there and one day, I came across a post that said if you didn’t have an honorable discharge, you can’t call yourself a real veteran.

OK. First of all, who died and left these people Ed McManhon? Do they think this will invalidate their accomplishment because an overweight woman walked a marathon? I did get one comment back that said it was a page dedicated to running and while they chose to write about this one person, they didn’t highlight that another women broke a running record? I was more impressed with this comment. It gave a different solution to what was a perceived problem. It really broke my heart to see this. It was then that they started to get super petty. Like fucking Karen, can I talk to your manager petty. One woman went onto another profile and started throwing shade at her for her posts that didn’t have anything about running on it. Whoa! Fucking call the manager for being that childish. I wanted to say something to them both. Did you know that famed runner and author, mentor and coach, Jeff Galloway has a running walk method for different distances? He’s set records and he walks part of it, is he know magically not a runner because he walks for a part of it?

The sun goes down. The water is near to the dock again

I thought about these things for my run today. Yes, I walked some of it. Largely in part to the amount of ice that I dodged so I wouldn’t fall down and break my crown 👑 But that muscle, it tells me when it’s time to stop running and walk for a bit. I remember turning onto Larson Road and thinking what gives these people the right to say that you aren’t good enough to be featured in any article on the internet? For fucks’s sake, grow up people. Your small mindedness is really ugly and no matter who you are, once that stink gets on you, it’s a lot like the smell of desperation. It’s a hard one to get off. It turns you ugly. The audacity of people on the internet is overwhelming sometimes.

It was coming up on to mile three when this was really something that was bothering me. Just made me so angry. I set records when I was young, in junior higher running. Actual school records, I was a sprinter. I’m still very proud of that. Why? Because I was always looked at funny when I told others I was a sprinter. “You don’t look like a runner, let alone a sprinter” is what I would hear as they looked me up and down. I was a chunky kid. I’m still thick. I love my curves right now. But tomorrow is a new day and as I get a bit older, I am starting to notice things hurting more than they used to and I take a bit longer to heal than I used to.

At this point in my running, if I have to walk, I’m going to walk. I have to listen to my leg now, I have no desire to re-injure myself. I guess if I don’t run the entire time, then I’m not a runner. And I guess if a real veteran has to have an honorable discharge, then I’m just not a real veteran… I have busted my ass to be able to call myself both of those thing. These opinions are stupid and full of bullshit. This does not invalidate an elite runners accomplishment. This does not invalidate a person who served in a time of war in a theater of war. We were on the offensive side of that war. I worked hard to be where I am and I simply refuse to let others opinions of bring me down. I feel like this kind of thinking proves my little sisters theory that some people just don’t have the sense that god gave lemons.

I got home from my run dn thought about this some more. I know I shouldn’t let it get to me. I know I should just drop the whole thing and keep going and smile, but I feel like I am sick to death of smiling and letting others tell me what they think I should or should not be. This is a subjective opinion piece on a runners page. We aren’t talking about, the Supreme Court did what again? Or the war in Ukraine. Or any group of facts strung together. This is a sport. Some are elite. Others just can’t live without it. If you consider that in 5 years this woman will still be able to say I walked a full marathon and I can do fill in the blank, so can you. I would rather hold someone up as the cross the finish line than worry about a PR. We are a herd. You take care of each other in a herd. The miles are all the same, no matter how long it took you to get to the finish line.

For the majority of the runners that I have met, I have yet to meet anyone who has said anything like this. So I am lucky in that regard. But, I am also glad that I chose to help others and build them up instead of tearing an accomplishment apart because it doesn’t match someone’s image of what a runner should look like.

I am tired now. I ran hard and I am so grateful for the ability to do my best. I have been pushing myself and I can start to feel some of the good from my efforts. Why, you may wonder. Am I trying to lose weight? Umm.. 😂No. I want to at myself in the mirror, naked and be proud of what this body has been able to do and has been able to overcome to get where I am now. Where am I now? I am able to run again, and working on getting my leg stronger. I was born with a twisted hip and as a result I had to wear special shoes – think ‘magic shoes’ from Forrest Gump – and I have injured that same leg again and again. Most recently, you may remember dear reader, the tear in rectus femoris on September 3rd. I was down for weeks, and had a hard time walking two weeks later. I was lucky enough that I didn’t need surgery. I don’t want to hurt myself. I am getting up and doing it and not only getting out and doing it, but, putting a lot more effort and focus into running than I have ever done before. And that includes running track for three or four years. I want to make a comeback and be better than I was before. I would love to have a running parter. I have been lucky enough to have had two woman running partners whom I love dearly. Now it’s just me and The Yolandi Dog and my thoughts. The buddy was the one who helped you push yourself harder. Never had a faster pace than when Vanessa and I were able to run regularly. And she was way faster than I was. Now we walk instead. I like that we can focus more on the conversation than what I was able to do while running. I could focus on what she was saying, but me trying to run and talk at the same time is not something I can do very well. I want to be strong and leaner.

And with that thought, I must finish a few other projects. Look out for two more posts tonight 😎🤩😘