Sometimes, Mornings Suck

Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat! Again? (Bullwinkle reaches into his top hat and pulls out the head of a lion. He roars at him. Quickly, Bullwinkle puts him back into the hat.) Rocky and Bullwinkle were so cool. They made the mornings of my childhood seem like the world was always going to be fun times with my friends. Sadly, friendships don’t always last that long. This week, I am going back about 2.5 years to talk about some of the social anxiety I was going through. I had good intentions with this one… hold on to your seats, it’s a doozie.

October 3, 2019

Yesterday was my daughter’s birthday. She wanted to go to breakfast with me, and go ride go carts. So that’s exactly what we did. We went to breakfast together, I had an omelette and she did a skillet with no eggs. I had chocolate milk, because, well, I ran yesterday morning so why not, and she ordered coffee and had like 4 sips of it. I felt that was coffee abuse, to not have it, but, she likes her coffee a lot sweeter than I do and that’s saying something. We had some dinner together and ended the night by going to the movies to see Abominable. Super awesome movie! Loved every bit of it.

This morning, despite having the makings of what could have been a great long run and then a good soak in the bath tub turned into something that turned into a sort of a disaster. I didn’t get out of bed to go run like I should have when my husband woke me up to go run at 4 am. I lounged in bed, checking social media around 7 or so when I decided to open my eyes and move around. But it wasn’t until 8.30 when I got out of bed. I had dedided that wanted to get some things done this mroning so I could go do other things this afternoon. But then I got distracted and I ended up going into a sort of a meltdown over things I have no control over. I was losing it and the harder that I tried to pull myself out of the swamps of sadness, the more I was starting to go into the dreaded anxiety attack. The overwhelming thoughts of not being what I can be, not being good enough, or doing enough for others, or making the most of career, or whatever else my mind could come up with, the hardest resting on how I view myself in the world of my three friends. I don’t trust easily and I have a hard time with having close friends, so when I feel dejected in any way in my own mind, I start to go through the worst kinds of pain.

I was starting to nit pick at my daughter whose room is a constant battle for us, and in knowing that I wanted to go sideways on her for the state of the room, I asked her to take care of some things. In seeing that I was having a hard time she looks at me and pats the bed next to her in a motion for me to come sit and down and talk. And in not wanting to lose my shit in that instant, I sat down. She, in her sweet young girl kind of way asked what’s wrong. So I told her. I told her that I sometimes feel shut out of lives in such a way that it makes me so sad. And not from the ones that I am friends with now, like, what about the ones I went to school with who seem to have the time and effort and energy to see each other, but I wasn’t worth keeping that connection with. And I hate the argument that maybe they couldn’t find me.. Nonsense, Facebook does wonders in finding people to reconnect with old friends. It’s not hard to find me. I tell her that I feel like I keep trying to keep the house clean and it will never be good enough and I can’t seem to make it stop and no one will help me and I can’t do it all and on and on……. Until I stopped and looked at her and smiled. She was so sweet. I said to her, you didn’t know that I have those thoughts too did you? She was shocked to hear that I have the same doubts in myself that she does and I still manage to keep my shit together. Not very well all of the time. She then looks at me and asked if I have taken any of my medication lately. No. Not any of it. Shit!

Fucking gray days!!! It was a Tuesday, I have no doubt

I thanked her for reminding me that I have to continue to take care of myself so I can keep moving forward. I walked into my room and closed the door and grabbed the water pipe and took a long inhale. Coughing and wheezing always goes with that first hit for me. I sound like a kid who has never smoked pot before. I am teased for this one a lot. I finish taking my break and made sure to wash my face and hands, light some incense, and take a deep breath. And just like that, I could feel myself relaxing. A second deep breath and as I exhale, I realize I stress over way too much. I need to just relax.

My run after eating a good lunch was a trail run. Obviously, it would be at least 2 hours after eating before we go out. In the heat of the mid afternoon because that’s how I roll. Lots of sunshine for my legs and some good time to myself to relax more……..

April 14, 2021

Holy Shit!! How could I leave it hanging like that? What the hell ?!

As I am sure you can guess, dear reader, I am as shocked as I am sure you are too that I left in the middle of the run down of the run. I felt like I was a hero in my own story about to take on the world and love it and be heroic and the day ends with great sex and there was nothing!!! My head is still spinning..

After going through the photo roll, it seems the day won out after all. No photos of a trail run or a selfie to commemorate the afternoon. I didn’t run until the following day, the 4th. That’s too bad. I almost feel bad for the past self, but, I won’t worry about that anymore. Hopefully, it was just a Tuesday that I got through and was glad for the day with little goose.

Yesterday, I came home with the notion to write, but, as the evening wore on, I wanted to sleep more than I wanted to do anything else. I had been restless the night before and wanted to get some good hours of sleep in me to be able to start the day anew. I got my stuff ready to run for the next morning. That was all I had gotten ready for the next day. Let me back up a little bit.

This past weekend, the wind was blowing pretty hard. For many years, I had a problem with windy days. They made me restless and listless and feeling all sorts of out of sorts. I have since learned that it’s not a bad thing to have that feeling. In the book about Feng Shui that I was given many years ago, she said that there are changes that are seen and unseen. The unseen changes come on the winds, and we can feel it when it does. I felt that on Sunday evening. And that makes me very uncomfortable. The reason is unclear in my mind, but, for the most part, I understand it to mean that I am resisting the change and need to relax into and all will be well. Everything has always worked out for the best. So on Monday, I went out of my way to get up on time and go for my walk with the dog and have things ready to go. And then Tuesday hit. And not only was it Tuesday on the calendar, it was a Tuesday for me as well. (When my little sister and I left for boot camp in the spring of 2001, we both left on a Tuesday, therefore having a Tuesday means that you are having a hard day and need to cry or scream. It also enables us to realize that there are days that we have to accept and deal with no matter what and sometimes feelings and mornings just suck!).

I got up about the same time that I have been getting up at, got myself out the door for a short run, took a shower, got to work. All the while thinking that it just felt off. I wasn’t happy after my run and the selfie that I took, all I could see was a woman who looked old and tired. That’s a hard one for me. I don’t feel old, just mostly tired. Work wasn’t any better. Anxiety was kicking my ass all day and I had to remember to breathe and focus on the task at hand. I had a hard time with it. I managed to get through the day. Didn’t really want to do anything else. I was glad to go home. Once home, my husband had gotten his second vaccine shot and was in bed napping for the last 3-5 hours. I ate a meager meal of a banana with milk for dinner, I wasn’t really hungry and went to bed. It wasn’t the best day ever, and with work, sometimes I can get overwhelmed. Yesterday was a good example of it.

When the time came to write last night, I knew that I wanted to write, but, I just didn’t have it in me to do so. So, with a bit of understanding that I have learned to give myself, I’m certainly not perfect, I am writing tonight.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about the hats that I want to create and mass produce and sell. I am very excited for what I am working on with it. I love hats and it seemed like something needed to be fixed with the ones that I like to wear. I like hats because the keep me warm. They keep my ears warm. This weekend I am going to be working on it some more. I will share more once I have them ready for sale.. And yes, I will be selling them for a profit and work on having an entire fashion line.. Who knew that would be a dream of mine one day… My mom is going to love that!

I haven’t really got a plan for training in the works yet. I know that there is less than 6 months for me to really get prepped for my Boston Marathon Run… I’m stoked about it!! I feel that in the next 3-4 years, I will be serious about having a BQ time to be able to run there, in Boston as a marathoner. I have to say it’s the ultimate dream for me.. Followed by IronMan. I don’t know how I feel about a 2 mile ocean swim. I have to be honest, that scares the shit out of me. For more reasons than I have reason for. (It stemmed for a birthday party I went to when I was about 6 or so. We stayed up late watching the first two Jaws movies. And we told horrible ghost stories about a lady who always wore a big green lace ribbon around her neck because it was keeping her head on. When my parents picked me up the next day, I was greeted and then told of the great news that we are going to the lake that day. I was petrified. I had this irrational fear of a Great White Shark at the bottom of the pool.. It still scares me today.. Why did I join the Navy then? I missed my sister. And I feel like if the ship went down, I would be taken out with it, and wouldn’t have to worry about sharks.. I hoped. It turned out that I would be the boat engineer and would have my own ride if that happened. Yay me. I am also a second class swimmer. Also, Yay me.) I have to get over this fear to do that race. I’m not there yet.

As for the changes, how do I deal with that now? I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. The changes could be good, so I took a good deep breathe and got lots of rest and tried again today. My husband was still pretty tore up and stayed home. I didn’t run or go for a walk this morning. I made coffee and sat down and watched the sun from my front living room while reading the news. I took a little too much time doing so, but, I made it to work, got the things done that I needed to get done, talked with my customers and had a mostly good day. I applied for a job at a new company, getting to use the best cover letter ever. Well, I think it’s the best ever. I’m tired of being ordinary, so I went with bold this time. Short of saying I’m fucking badass, give me a shot, I think it warrants at least a call back. Who knows what the change will be. I always have high hopes. Dreams of reaching the stars. It could also be that my furniture isn’t going to get to me until the end of May, instead of the beginning.. Dammit…

Anyhow, good night my friends. Hope your dreams are peaceful~

Sundaes for Breakfast

For today’s edition of revisiting old thoughts and finishing them, we will look at that one time, when protesters took over the capital building. And then thoughts on it now. I had strong feelings the day after it happened, which is when this was written. I still have strong feeling on it. The goal on revisiting old thoughts is to get one finished once a week. I have 11, including this one. Only ten more weeks to go and then more random thoughts about running and the occasional interludes about politics. and other ramblings.. which are thoughts that I tend to have while running in the morning. So, it works. Anyhow, there were only two corrections to the first part of this blog, both just needed better words due to too many redundancies. It is a bit scattered in the latter part. My mind is racing these days, I need a break 🙂

January 7, 2021

I was impressed with myself this morning for managing to get out of the house and go run. My head was not in the right space and it was most wonderful. I should have left the house a lot sooner than I did and as it would happen, I really needed that full 30 minutes to really get the endorphins going. And, as a result, my mood for the better part of the day was less than stellar. I feel like I should be taking my medicine before I get to work, and instead, it’s sat in my purse all day, and I have only just taken them since getting home today.

As I sit here, I can feel the effects of my meds kicking in and my brain tingles a bit and I can feel myself breathing a little easier. My body isn’t as tense and I’m relaxing into the keyboard as I get ready to get myself a nice bowl of chocolate ice cream. Tillamook Chocolate Mudslide.. if there is any left that is. And my bowl of which I speak, is no bigger than a small 4 ounce bowl, and I really don’t eat a lot of it. It’s too sweet for me. But it’s so rich and delicious, and I don’t eat it very often, I think after the last 36 hours or so, I deserve to take a deep breathe and try to relax. After all, shit really hit the fan yesterday and I can’t stay silent on this one. BRB…..

This is really from tonight… It sounded so good…

Lots of new things for me this week. I bought makeup and I actually like it a lot. I don’t feel like I have makeup on at all, so shout out to IL MAKIAGE for a fine product. I really like the concealer and eyeliner as well. And, the best part about their make-up was I wear a mask all day, every day, and I haven’t had any makeup wear off onto the mask. What IS this magic 🙂 Another first this week was I started to curl my hair before I go to work again. Why am I doing all of this fun getting made up kind of thing? Well, every few years I go through spurts where I want to look nice when I go to work, and so I will get up early and put effort into how I look when I get there. It makes me feel better about myself. I hate the time it takes because I don’t like giving up on my time to anything, so it’s a big deal for me to make an effort to be punctual. Yay me. Although, when I got work on Tuesday, my computer monitor died and I had to use a different one, therefore, I had to have my time adjusted because of the equipment and not because of me. Again, ya me. On Wednesday I got to watch in horror as domestic terrorists stormed the capital building. And what a fucking shit show that was. My stomach still hurts and I can feel my chest tighten as I think of it again. I am going to fast forward a bit to this evening, just before walking downstairs for dinner. I asked my husband did we have any protests in the 80’s that lead to the death of a police officer in the United States. We couldn’t think of any, but, let me take a look… and all the ones that I could find, there could have been more, weren’t on US soil. It was in the 1990’s that this started to happen.

Now, if you think back to the 90’s, I keep thinking it was like, 10 years ago, and it’s a lot more than that in reality. What can I say, I am child of that decade. I remember things happening and not really understanding the gravity of what it was until many years later. In 1993, there was bomb set off in the parking garage of the one of the Twin Towers. I can remember watching Peter Jennings as his calm deep voice would give me the news of the day, I had such a crush on him, who wouldn’t though? I can see the images in my head still of people coming out the building covered in concrete ash. They were coughing and it was a nasty site. I didn’t realize at the time that it was a terrorist attack. I knew what it was, but, at my age, I wasn’t old enough to really grasp the somberness of the situation. And then more things started to happen. More run ins with bombings in building and out in public. The federal building in Oklahoma was blown up in 1995. I was a few years older and I could see how bad this was. The very next year, there was a bombing at the Olympics in Atlanta. Thinking about it now, still makes tears start to well up in my eyes. And then we got to have a serial bomber send people packages that blew up and he did that for the better part of two decades. I could actually go on for a while about all the times since the 90’s that I have seen headlines about people dying in the country in mass shootings, protests, movie theaters, concerts, and our most vulnerable, schools. And while that would be a lovely dive into my thoughts on what we can do to do better, that’s not what I wanted to focus on.

My country has seen it’s fair share of radicals trying to destroy us from the outside. When the towers fell, I was 21, almost 22. I was in the United States Navy, I was in school, learning about lube oil purifiers. I knew in that instant, life was going to change. I had no way of knowing what was to come for me, but, I knew that being in the military, life as I knew it, in the blink of an eye, changed forever. This was the most earth shattering thing for me. That was scary, and I’m grateful I had sister there with me. No, I want to focus on the ones that came from within. The ones who say how much they love America.

Now, back to yesterday… that sounds funny doesn’t it 🙂 … I had no idea that there was anything going on recently. For whatever reason, I haven’t seen a lot of things on social media lately, so I was a bit late to the game about it. My boss was the one who told me about anything going on. It was when he came back from lunch and walked over to my desk and let me know that the capital building had been broken into. I was shocked. And since it was my early day, as I was trying to leave for the day, I was given the opportunity to talk to a woman for a good long while. I think she’s pretty awesome. And then she told me that she thought that this election was completely rigged and 45 won and there just couldn’t be any way that he would have lost. She had two grandkids who were there, she seemed jealous of them. My heart sank. I have a hard time with that one. So, I leave and put on Pandora, the 80’s alternative station. I was totally jamming out and loving it. Got home, and was glad to be there. Walked myself on up the stairs and Thomas has the news on live from a station out of L.A. They were showing photos of the destruction and videos of people wandering around as the bottom of the screen had a thing saying a 6pm curfew is in effect in Washington D.C. Odd. And then they started showing the videos of earlier in the day. The members of Congress and the Senate being taken out of the building through different staircases. Evacuated from their place of work and ordered to shelter in place. Almost like school children are rushed out of a building when there is an active shooter.. Fun Fact.. Most kids in this country have had Active Shooter drills at their schools because you never know when there is going to be a kid with their parent’s semi-automatic weapon that wasn’t locked up decide to take out their frustrations on their fellow students because life is hard and fuck this place, I’m taking everyone down with me manifesto kind of people. I hope during the next year or two, they will give some serious thought to changing the laws regarding guns. Maybe now that they know what it feels like to have that fear run through your veins, they can be empathic to the kids that have to do that drill to help them not get killed when it does happen… I digress… where was I?….. Watching the news reels of the events of the day. I stood there, still as can be, my hands pressed to my lips, eyes wide in shock, tears running down my face. I felt sucker punched, right to the gut. And then it felt like I was getting kicked in the gut over and over again. Wow.

Shock and disbelief is the best way to describe the emotions that I felt in the moment. My head was swirling and in a mess. Today, I tried to go run and it didn’t work. I posted my feelings on my social media, Instagram and one of my running groups. And then I got ready for work. My heart was heavy and I had a lot to say. I cried durning my run this morning. I let the tears flow as best as I could. I let them go some more today at lunch when I got a message that my post was removed from the running group. I knew I took a chance by putting my feelings into words. I was grateful for the kindness of the admin person who was super awesome. I never got to see the reaction to it, but, it could have been bad. I suspect that it was bad enough. I felt personally attacked, but, I didn’t have to actually read what others may or may not have said. It’s all just a gamble to me. And it could have been taken down before much was noticed. Who knows. I don’t right now. I’m ok with that, really. I have a hard time with online attacks, it’s not my best platform for trying to do debates. I would much rather get together with someone and talk to them in person, over a phone call, or whatever. I’m just not an internet arguing kind of person.

Anyhow, the point I was trying to make, very slowly, was that all of these things have hurt us. We have all felt the pain of an attack on our country. I would say many of us, but, then I realize not everyone is old enough to remember what it was like when the Federal building went down. It was more that the attacks had come from one of our own, one of our citizens, who was so upset with the way things were going, they decided they needed to make some changes. It’s like being stabbed in the back. We were unsuspecting fools to think it wouldn’t happen to us, but it did.

Yesterday was a far worse attack. Why do I say this? How can I compare this to Oklahoma? It’s nothing like that, and you’re right, to an extent, but let me continue. Yesterday, I got to see people who claim to be patriots of our country, the ones who say protesting and kneeling at a football game, silently, during the National Anthem, is disrespectful of the military, break through the doors of the very building that represents the law making part of our country and disrespect every military personnel, every veteran who ever put on that uniform, all of them, living and deceased. I saw the ones who claim that they are god fearing good christians act like shameful thugs and shit all over everything the military stands for. We took an oath of office to protect this country from all terrorist, foreign AND DOMESTIC. And what I saw yesterday was exactly that. They brought a confederate flag into that building, a flag from a group of people who LOST THE FUCKING WAR, into our most scared of places.

And those officers, wow. They didn’t seem to be prepared for any of this. Golly… When the protest for the Black Lives Matter was going on, the National Guard was called out and used lots of different way to subdue the crowd, including, but not limited to tear gas, and rubber bullets. People died in those riots. And the protests were over the disproportionate deaths of black men by the police. What’s really going to wet your noodle is know that if this was a group of black men, they would have been shot, a lot of them, brute force would have been used, and it wouldn’t have been the escorting out the building with no one in cuffs that was seen yesterday. Why was it so different? These people who took the building this week were white. You got it. A bunch of white people, who were incited by the president of this country to take back the vote, fight if you need, don’t give up without a fight, trial by combat, blah blah blah.

You know what this feels like to me. Well, first, work wasn’t as fun as I would have liked, given the day. I was relieved that none of my customers wanted to talk about today. And if they did, they didn’t say anything to me about it. At lunch, when I got the message from the admin lady, I was heartbroken. The place that I feel the safest to post about how I feel in life and getting though life, and it was taken down. I get it. But, I felt like a little kid getting in trouble for taking a chance and doing something that you might get in trouble for, but you might not. Today was a not. I was devastated, but, I was able to cry a bit more and that felt so much better. I got to talk to another cool person that I work with, and he was fun to talk to. Got back from lunch and felt better. I was still uptight, and I just put on my happy face and kept trying. On my way to and from work today, I changed the station on Pandora to U2 station and it was like it knew I needed that. They could read my mind. On the way home, it played The Rolling Stones, You Can’t Always Get What You Want, and then I started to think about the movie Hedwig and the Angry Inch the part where he’s talking about an essay he did for college, entitled, You, Cunt, Always Get What You Want. I giggled at thinking about that line. Always made me laugh. The last song on the way home with Pink Floyd’s Hey You, from The Wall. Now it’s one of my favorite albums, The Wall. I was given it the first time as a gift from my sister Colleen. She wrapped it in Starbucks napkins, and duct tape. Best gift! I listened to it for year. Today, while thinking on the lyrics, the closing lines of the song are, Together we stand, divided we fall. How true they are.

April 6, 2021

It’s been 4 months since the attack on the capital and there has been a lot that has happened. Including, but not limited to, a birthday present for Kelsie, already arrived, Hanna had her baby, Kim had her baby, My little friend is 8 months old.. He’s so sweet and cute and tiny. I set out to finish the David Goggins 4x4x48 challenge in March and completed it!! I’m actually wearing the shirt right now, but, it’s dinner time right now, BRB…. So I get downstairs and Thomas asks what I’m doing. I said you told me dinner would be ready in 15 minutes, so I’m down here. He smile and says, 5 minutes Turkish… I brought the computer downstairs instead 🙂

Other notable things that have happened since that day 4 months ago, another officer was killed at the capital buildings this week. Had a car drove into him. I swear this place resembles a battlefield more and more to my mind. I am heartbroken over the politics of it, of which I don’t even want to go into. Instead, let’s talk about the coolest thing to happen this year is that the Boston Marathon opened up for a virtual race in October for the marathon. It is only open for 70,000 people and wouldn’t you know it, I fucking signed up!!! Hells yes, I’m excited. I don’t think that at this point in my life I am going to qualify with the time. Not to say that I won’t do that, but, that’s not a priority right now. Once it’s something I set my mind to doing, I am going to bust my ass to get there and dammit, I will make it on my own merit, but, that’s not right now. I am so over the moon about it. I haven’t talked about it on social media much about it, but, I am now. I am going to run the Boston Marathon this year, on my birthday. I won’t get the medal as soon as I cross the line, but, I will getting it done.

I am thinking more and more about the route I want to take when it comes to this. I live at 6800 feet above sea level and am trying to figure out what do I want to do. I will have to plan this out, train, work hard over the summer and make it happen. I am not a huge fan of running in the summer. I tend to whine about it a lot more than I should. I can still run, and for that I’m very grateful. I have done a walk with the dog yesterday and today. I need to get myself up earlier so I can actually get a good run in daily. I love how good I feel after I finish running. I think this means that there is going to be a big change in the way that I eat. I have no choice in that. I need to treat myself more like an athlete. Feed it better food. Take care of it more.

I have been getting a little more sleep in the last week or two or three. I have found that I love getting 8 hours of sleep at night. It feels amazing. I would love to get to bed earlier so I can get 8 hours and get up and go run 6 miles. That would mean going to bed a lot earlier… And then I wonder what if I went after dinner? Wait about 2 hours and then go run. That way I could come home and stretch and shower and go to sleep.. But the dog wakes me up in the morning, so, that doesn’t work either. Who knows, I will figure it out. I will just have to find a career in writing and running and making a better hat for women runners.

So, that’s where I am now. Training for Boston. I also signed up for the Pat Tillman run that I will also do as a virtual race. I am looking forward to doing in person running races again. Dinner is ready now… BRB

Oh that was delicious. Grilled chicken and peppers and baby potatoes. No, I couldn’t eat it all. It was so good. After dinner, Thomas asked me to grab something from the gas station so I went. I walked up and down the candy, giggling to myself thinking, yeah, some athlete. I settled for a mango apple bar called That’s It. It just has an apple and a mango. I left them in the car for tomorrow. They will make for a great breakfast. I feel like being able to take on this marathon is big deal and it’s going to be won with the everyday battles I have with food and working out and taking proper care of myself. I will have to change the way I think about food altogether I think. Who knows. Maybe I will have more on this next week. Maybe I will make more sense next. Or, better yet, I will eat a bowl of ice cream and savor the rich chocolate flavors and smile at my day, give thanks for the wonder and beauty of my life, and go to bed happy. Again, who knows. Peace ~

New Years Day vs. April Fools

I was looking over the drafts that I had started a bit ago and thought that these were worthy thoughts that I wanted to share with you, dear reader, so I am going back over them and finishing those thoughts. Some are going to be painful and hurt, and some are silly and who the fuck knows what the hell I was thinking at that time. I didn’t want to leave it hanging any more. So, for tonights installment of my random weird thoughts, I give you my thoughts on the day that they were originally written, corrections being made only in grammar and spelling, and then the results, or the end of those thoughts as they are now. Hopefully more educated, wiser, better informed. I hope that it makes sense and that you will forgive me for not finishing the thoughts the day they came to me. I do tend to loose the inspiration if I don’t get it all done in the first sitting. Which, interestingly enough, is talked about in Steven Kotler’s books, an author I will be talking about later, though, it might not be either of the books that I will tell you about in this selection.

January 1, 2021

All day today, I was playing on social media when taking a break from re-arranging the living room -this is to allow for better use of the space. I noticed that everyone was talking about the year and how this year is holding a lot more promise than that of last year. I am no different I am afriad. I love the New Year for that reason. I like that it’s a time of reflection, of perspective, of hope, and of what good is to come. I like that when I was growing up, it was our duty to come to dinner with a list of two things. First was what are we grateful for. What kind of wonderful things happened that we could remember before dinner that night, because, really, we didn’t have that until the last minute. And the second was our list of our New Years Resolutions. In thinking of it, I would like to think that it’s because my parents wanted us to take a look at our selves, a bit of introspection or self evaluation if you will. To take a look at ourselves and see if we could make ourselves better people in the process.

I haven’t really made resolutions for a long time. I don’t like the idea of making a point to try to do something or be something or lose something or gain something. I want to be realistic in what I can do and what I think I can do. There are some goals that are lofty that I have and there are some that I would like to accomplish, and then there are some that are a bit unlikely, but would be lovely, like building my own house, or rather, having my dream house built for me. Last year I set out to run a marathon and you know it, I did it. I wanted to run 1500 miles, and I made it to just under 900 miles. Am I disappointed, no, not really. I could be really hard on myself and say that I was lazy, but, in truth, I just became really overwhelmed and lost it. I wasn’t shut down during the pandemic and it was a lot harder on me than what I would like to admit to online. I had a hard time, and I made it through it. For now at least. And so, with the amount of stress that I have been under, I give myself a lot of slack and don’t allow for the thought of I’m being lazy. No, I’m not lazy, I’m exhausted. And there are days when I have to listen to my body and hope that my dog will forgive me for not taking her on our walk.

My grandmother passed this past year, just over a year now and I made a decision to run for her, for each year that she was alive, 87. Then, I signed up for a 500 mile in 95 day virtual race. I guess that what I wanted to set a goal that I knew I wasn’t going to hit and I tried anyway. I made it from April to December taking a total of 43 days off with only three days missed from the 19th of June until October 3rd. And then it was more like take day, workout like five days and then take two or three days. I made it 325 miles in 95 days, which was really good for me, I am so glad I did it. In fact, I got the shirt after submitting all my miles and an email was sent out saying that since we had put in so much effort into it, they were going to send us all the medals and shirts. It’s my favorite shirt right now.

I wanted to take up playing my trumpet again, and while that hasn’t happened, Covid did instead. I have the trumpet and have moved it upstairs where I will put a mute in and practice up there. As for making it into the symphony, well, right now isn’t the best time for it. So I will just practice and keep going.

I have put a lot of thought into what kind of goals do I want to set for myself. I have come up with two so far, and I will tell you, dear reader what they are now. First of all, I love taking photos. I love the beauty of the sunrise and sunset and I love seeing how the landscape looks at first light. I also am vain and love taking selfies! Not that I think I’m all super great to look at, but, I just enjoy taking the photos. So with these two things in mind, I will give you the goals. To go along with my love of photos, I am going to dedicate this year’s photos to black and white only. Why? For a few reasons actually. I have always thought that the contrast of the black and white photos were so amazing. Take Ansel Adams and his shots of Yosemite or Yellowstone. Or for instance the photo of the sailor and the nurse after the victory of World War II. I love it. When I got married the first time, I had made sure to buy black and white film for it. When I got photos done professionally when Piper was only 6 weeks old, my favorite one was a black and white. When I moved home, I was getting up from dinner with my parents, and I saw the photo again, they had a small version of it, and I said, I look so good in black and white. I wish I could marry a guy who only sees in black and white. Now, unbeknownst to me, that’s an actual thing. And wouldn’t you know it, the man I married, sees only in black and white and about 13 shades of gray. I see more than a million shades of colour on the spectrum. I can’t see it clearly, but, that’s not the point. I want to take a year and look at life the way that my husband does. I hate that sunsets are lost on him, but, I will do my best to capture it as close to what he sees as I can understand. I watched It’s a Wonderful Life in Technicolor for the first time, or rather it was just coloured over, but, it was too much for me, I wept at it. It was so strange, so I can only imagine how odd it would be for him to try to process what our world looks like to him. He says colour sighted people are handicapped in that we don’t know how to describe our world to him without using colours. He wasn’t allowed into the Marines because of it. I had a hard time when we first started dating trying to explain things without colour or how to describe a colour. I can say with confidence now, that, I have gotten better at it. I’m not the best, and trying to understand how he gets by with this kind of limited vision. There are many things that I have already been able to see and be stunned by them.

The same spot, the same time, the day… without color

For the next part of my resolutions, I wanted to take the year and take the filter that I love so much to use with Snapchat. I love doing my post run selfies, however, in the summer time especially, my face gets so red and flushed when I run because of how hot I get. Living in Arizona is great, but the summers are brutal at best. Even living in the mountains, I’m not immune to the heat of the desert. I love the filters because they take the red that is in my face naturally and it makes it look so much less hot. Less like I’m on fire. Oh well.

New Year’s Eve, Last day using my favorite filter

March 29, 2021

For the most part, I am doing well with my goals for the year. I have been commissioned to do a photo of the mountains and the sky in black and white, so I think I could be on to something with this. I am thinking of doing the masterclass series with Annie Lebowitz.. The last person who took a photo of John Lennon, and not to brag but I was born on his birthday and his mother and I share the same name. Which makes us cool peeps together. I love the idea of taking photos of the place around me and that others like them and want them as well.

I added another goal after I first decided to have resolutions. It was to listen to books on tape when I was driving to work. I mean, it’s over an hour daily, I might as well learn something while I am doing that. I can tell you for sure, dear reader, that I am loving these books. My favorite author so far is Steven Kotler, who has written many books, 15, of which I have listened to 7 with an 8th in line, but, the ones that I’m crazy about are the ones that discuss neuroscience and how when we do something, like put in the correct word in the crossword puzzle, what the biology of our brains is doing at that time. There are now reasons why I will play a bit of mind games, think Sudoko or Majong or something that is going to require that I have to use strategy because I will count on that little squirt of dopamine to help pick my mood up if I’ve been feeling less than stellar that day. I also love the books written by Vishen Lakhiani, The Code of The Extraordinary Mind and the one that I am currently on, The Buddha and The Badass. And trust me, there is so much in these books that I wish I had the hardcopies of so I could refer back to them on a regular basis. Well, I did purchase the latter two books and the two of Steven Kotler’s books, The Rise of Superman: Decoding The Science of Ultimate Human Performance and Stealing Fire: How the Silicone Valley, the Navy SEALs, and Maverick Sciencists are Revolutionizing the Way We Live and Work, for my nephew for Christmas. Whether he reads them or not, we shall see… I think he would really like Stealing Fire. The idea was to turn my drive to a time where not only could I relax from the day, I could also make myself a little bit better as I did so everyday.

There was another one that I had thought of, but, it must not have been that important since I can’t remember it at all. I mean I thought it was important but I didn’t write it down, and therein lies the problem.

I would like to add that altogether this isn’t a resolution as is it more of a stand on things I can’t support. At the beginning of the year, Nabisco introduced something amazing!! Gluten Free Oreo! I couldn’t have been more excited about cookies I wouldn’t normally buy but now I can. I had gotten two for Piper, and after only getting two cookies collectively from those two bags, got myself a bag. And then I found another one and bought that one too. As I had taken a week and a half to eat them, I wasn’t paying that much attention to them. I happened to turn the package over and read the list for the ingredients. I was crushed to see palm oil listed as the second item. No!!! I threw away the last two and haven’t touched the other bag. I also gave up eating containers of frosting for the same reason… it would take me months to eat that, I wasn’t like eating it all at once.. ewww.. Just need some sugar. And it was dark chocolate sugar. So good, until again, I see that the second item listed is palm oil. Why is palm oil a bad thing you may wonder. I don’t agree with the conditions in which it’s made. I have to take a stand somewhere. It’s not much, and it’s food that I really don’t need to eat, so I guess it’s not something I could consider a loss, but, I will miss double stuff cookies. Because really, anything other than a double stuff Oreo is just a diet Oreo.

The last month, I have had a hard time with getting back into the grove of things with running. It seems to me that I am consistently having a slow month in March. Maybe it’s my subconscious telling me to take a breather for my anniversary. Liking going into hibernation for the Ides of March. For two weeks, on each side of it. Give or take a few days. I managed to get through David Goggins 4x4x48 at the beginning of the month, and then my body took a lot longer to recover than I thought it would. And then I got sick, well, a head cold and that threw me off too. Or rather I got sick and then recovering was hard since it was only a few days after the challenge that I got sick. Hmmm.. I may be onto something with that… Who knew

I am slowly working back into it. I am going to be working on my training because I really enjoy it, and it’s not dreadfully hard, so maybe I can shave some time off of my miles. Today was hard to get out of bed, like usual, but I did manage to do it and get going. Last week I started off this way too, and I discovered that being prepared helped a great deal when getting ready to go run. It wasn’t a spectacular run, but, the sunrise was lovely. I am about to head upstairs and get my stuff ready for tomorrow so I am ready. I want to be better. I want to get things done, I do so much better when I have got my run in!! Like the whole day is so much better when I get up and go run. And I need to get a good night’s sleep. I am looking forward to that. I’m looking forward to starting the day right. Makes for a happier day altogether. Anyhow, for now, Peace kids~

42

I am struggling. Like big time! And while I know that I will come out of it and will be alright, things have always had a way of working out for me, it doesn’t make it any easier. It seems I have started a whole lot of stories that I wanted to share with you, dear reader, but, have not finished any of them. Twelve to be exact; That’s how many drafts of thoughts I have sitting in the hole that is my head right now.

Of the many drafts I have, there was one that was missing. It was the one that I really wanted to share with the world, and instead, got frustrated with the computer for not saving more than half of it and then just deleted it. Being open to the public is something that I crave because as the middle child I want people to see me and notice that I’m here. Yes, I have issues with my birth order and family, but, honestly, what family isn’t dysfunctional? My problem with putting myself out there for others to see is, what if they see it? I know, it’s a conundrum for sure, but, I also know that my dreams in life are sitting on the other side of that fear. I admit that I don’t like confrontation, so I won’t openly engage with nay-sayers online. I will back down if we are face to face as well, because I have a hard time standing up for myself, and those I love. Though, in recent years, I have tried a lot harder at doing just that. I’m not the best at it, but, I am a work in progress.

To help me through this time in life, I am once again turning my attention to running and writing. While my other passions are still going full force, massage and music, have taken a back burner for the time being.. They are there, just simmering right now. That being said, a while ago, in one of the running groups I’m in, the moderator asked me, what does running mean to you? In life? As a sport? I gave some response that was short, but, the more I thought about this, the more that I realized that running has been a huge part of my life for as long as I can remember. In some form or other, it’s been there, waiting for me to lace up again and again and hit the road. Let me paint you a picture….

When I was born, I had some structural problems. I had a foot completely turned to the inside, it was my left foot (Not only that, my right hip is rotated inward and when I was in massage school, it was so pronounced that we would use a rolled up face towel to lift my hip just enough to get to where my body was aligned). Until I was about 7 months old, I had to wear a metal brace to get my foot to rotate to the correct position. Think Forrest Gump’s magic legs. They would take me anywhere… Anyhow, around this time, I developed a staphylococcus infection on my heal. I didn’t wear the braces after that and with some good chiropractic care, I can say that my structure is my more sound and stable.

Much like Forrest Gump, these braces must have done something wonderful to my legs, because I could sprint and wouldn’t you know it, I was good at that. For my body size and stature, I wan’t the most likely of sprinters, but, I loved to make others watch just how good I was. However, it wasn’t until I was in 8th grade that I discovered just how good I was.

The year had started like the others, the same cliques, the same girls who were in cheer last year were in cheer this year. There was this guy that I had a huge crush on and I was certain that it would work out for us that year. But, it didn’t. Instead, he was going out with this new girl who thought she was hot shit. And she really didn’t like me. The why of that, I have yet to know, but really, I don’t care why she didn’t like me. We had P.E. together that year. First semester first period was gym class. Oh what fun, now I can smell bad all day long! Our class had gone out to do track stuff, think high jump, long jump, the mile and the 100 dash. I paired up with my friend Jenny to do the 100 dash. I had not worn proper shoes to run in a dirt track, but, at that time, I didn’t really care about that. The whistle blows and we take off. Jenny is so much taller than I am. In fact, she’s always going to be taller than me, because I didn’t get much bigger than my 8th grade self. Anyhow, I ran as fast as I could as hard as I could to get to the end of that lane. I had to wait for Jenny to catch up to me. My teacher had this shocked look on her face. She said I want you to run against Rachel next. Ugh!! I had to talk to this girl?! Fuck!! So, whatever. We get to the starting line and she’s making all sorts of stupid comments and the whistle blows again and we take off. Now, I have a hard time with what happens next, but, I was so far ahead that I didn’t see it. I had pulled away from her and was most assuredly going to beat her in this race. I was stoked!! Finally, I can make that girl eat her words. And then I hear a thud and crying. I slide to a complete stop and turn around, and as I am about to lunge toward her, my teacher is yelling for me to just finish. Run!! So I did. I set a school record that day. The thud that I heard was when Rachel realized that I was going to beat her, she stops on the track, grabs her knee and then falls down, and starts to cry. From all accounts that I heard of it, all of my friends, they said it was the worst faked injury they had ever seen. She was mad that I was faster than her. Anyway, that year I ran track. She and I became friends at the time. She no longer hated me and her and Joshy weren’t going out anymore. (As a side note to that, Josh and my little sister ended up dating shorty after school ended that school year, so, that sealed it that he and I would never date in this lifetime.) I hated the workouts, but I loved how good I felt afterwards. I loved running in that aspect. I loved the alcaldes that go with it, and I still have my ribbons and medals from running that year.

I would complete my freshman year in high school not running. But the next year, I wanted to impress this guy that I liked who was on the cross country team by joining the team. I was a terrible distance runner. I have gotten better with my times now, but, yeah, it wasn’t my thing. But to get to sit by him in the van on the way to the meets, was well worth my time spent on that team. In the spring of that year, my little sister and I had become close, we did track together. In fact, we did the 4×100 team relay. It was my little sister and our neighbors, who were sisters as well. We all ran a 12 -13 second 100 dash. I was the starter who handed off to sister and she to the younger of the two sisters, and then to the older who would run that last bit. We were pretty good too. I loved that year in running. I had such a good time. After that, I got a job and didn’t do a lot of after school things. So, sports would just go by the wayside until I joined the Navy. I tried to like to run while I was in, but, I ran a lot on treadmills while I served. On the ships, while they were moving. On my first ship the treadmills faced front to back, so you didn’t have such a hard time with listing. On my second ship, they had them facing side to side, so when we were in heavy seas, it made running that much more of a challenge. And that was ok. But running for the sake of running wasn’t something I was really that into. I mean, I’m a sprinter. Not long a long distance kind of person. Who would want to run long distances? That’s so crazy!!

Well, many years past and all of the sudden about October 2014, I can feel my body going to through some weird emotional changes. And I am up and down every day and it’s turning me into a crazy person. I remember standing in the shower in March of 2015 thinking of ending it all. I was crying and I didn’t know how I could handle all that pain inside. I went to bed and the very next day I felt like I could take on the entire Star Fleet by myself. This was insane! I was struggling so hard and I didn’t know what to do about it. I had just moved out of my parents house and during the time that I had lived there, my mom had her thyroid out. I knew enough to know that those hormones are really important. So, we had some thyroid supplements in the cabinet for Thomas. I started to take one and made the decision that I could at least walk. Walking never killed anyone, and it’s not going to require anything special. So I began to walk a few days a week. And, I shit you not, within three days, I could feel my emotions starting to come under control and not feel so all over the board. In two weeks from that day, March 21, 2015, Thomas said that he could tell I was more ‘even keeled’.

It was at this time that my friend, Vanessa, who was running daily after work and totally kicking ass, would come and walk with me from time to time. It was so nice to have someone to talk to while walking. It was from her influence that I decided that I could run. I could do it if she could. She even thought I could do it too. Runners are the best support system I have ever had!! So I would go out by myself and do intervals for a mile or so. I started to track my miles. I wanted to know how far I was going, and I was really loving it. It was hard and then trying to keep up with her was even harder. But I wanted to. I wanted to be better, I wanted to keep running like she did. I remember the time she ran 10 miles. She was so worn out and I thought, wow.. I wonder if I could ever do that. Within a year of this change of adding running and my supplement, I was doing so much better. No more days of crying the shower. I was hooked and I wanted to do a race now. I thought big! I wanted to do the one in the valley and do a half marathon. It was something I thought I could train for and do. 2016 brought many changes to our lives. We got married and both got new jobs. It was becoming a pipe dream to do the race in the next year. That was, until, I had said something to my parents, who somehow relayed that to my older sister, who had a roommate at the time who gave my the code for a free entry to the next race in Phoenix that very next year. I had 75 days to get ready.

First race with Vanessa October 10, 2016

I was doing 4.5 miles consistently, but, I hadn’t really ventured out with more miles. I started with going to 5 miles. Then I would do 6 miles, and then I would increase until I had ran my 13.1 miles. It was a cold fall that year and I had just started to run with my dog. She would become my constant running companion and friend. We worked hard and by the time of the race, we could do it in 3.5 hours. I was so happy about that. It’s not easy to do that distance in any way. I still think that’s true.

By the time the race got here, I had just joined the Facebook running group, you vs. the year. It’s the challenge set up through MapMyRun that was done the year before, but I didn’t find the group until the second year of the challenge. From this, I was able to see that there is a huge group of runners out there who love to run and love medals. I finished the race that year in 2.5 hours. Almost a full hour off of my time at home. I was so happy! And I was so sore and tired as can be. I had my parents out on the course who cheered me on as I would go by, and my husband and daughter at the finish line waiting for me. I cried when I finished it. It was a feeling of such joy and happiness and exhaustion and I loved that!! That night, I remember sitting in my room wearing my husband hat and taking a photo of myself with my medal. It was a truly awesome feeling. When I posted my picture of me holding my medal to the group, I felt so loved and accepted and like I was with friends. It was a great thing!!

Through the friendships I have made with this running group, I have found countless virtual runs that I have done as well as doing a lot of the runs that I can in the valley. I get to see these friends when I go out of town for those races. They make the trip so much more fun. I couldn’t ask for a more wonderful group of support cheerleaders for a person. Honestly, without their support, I don’t know if I would keep lacing up daily.

Some days it’s hard to get out of bed on time, I never do, and go run. I want to, but, at the same time, I don’t want to get up. But running means the day gets easier just by finishing the run. Some days I think I should really get out of bed when I can’t sleep and go run, but I don’t. I have tried to take days off, and they are hard to do when running has become what keeps you sane. I want to share this love of this sport with my girls because I know how hard life can be, but, it’s like no matter how tired I am, or how bad I need to clean something, running has a way of making me feel so much better than anything else. It’s become a life line durning COVID. I wasn’t able to run as much or as far and certainly not as fast as I wanted, but, if I wasn’t able to run, I don’t know how I would handle all that life has thrown at me. I use that time to ponder so much in life. I wonder how will I manage to do things, how can I improve, how can I help more? I think about the work that I would love to do and I wonder how will they ever know I can do what they need if they just gave me a chance. I think about my family dynamics and how do I fit into the whole thing. I think about ways I can improve upon myself. Just this week I decided that I could try to do more with myself. I know that my weight is always a topic of cringe worthy feelings, but, I could so something daily to help with that. I am doing sit-ups. They are terrible. I hate them a lot! But, sit-ups aren’t going to kill me. And I am sure that a strong core will help with running, so, why not? 100 sit-ups daily. I think I want to throw in some kind of weighted twists, just for those oblique muscles, don’t want them to feel left out of the fun. Who knows. Just thought it would do me some good to add something in the mix.

So, what does running mean to me? Running is a way of life. Can I get along in life if I had to give it up? I’m sure I would have to, given those circumstances. Do I want to? Absolutely not! In the last 6 years, I have met some lovely people from all around the globe and I have been so blessed to be able to run where I do. My favorite photos have come from being on runs, and there is nothing more fantastic than to get to see the sun rise in the morning. I am more and more grateful that I am able to do this as there are so many who want to and can’t. When I hear of a fellow runner who died, I shed tears for them. My heart is broken for the Hoyt family this week. I break down every time I see that story. My friend who got me onto his Ragnar team passed away this last December and I was shattered! The running community is such an amazing group of people. They are supportive and funny. And though I haven’t felt like posting to anything lately, I am still there, cheering everyone else on! Running has made me a better person I think. That is enough of a reason right there to never give it up. ~ Peace😎

Sundae Thoughts

This morning, I went for a long run. And it was a good distance, I can’t complain about that in any way. I think I may have to add the quarter mile to make it at least a 10k. It took me an hour and a half to complete this loop. It was hills and then more hills and then more hills and then lastly, more hills.

The run was hot. I kept thinking about running it again tomorrow morning, thinking what time would I have to leave in order to get back with enough time to stretch a little and try to get my 10 minutes of focused meditation in all before getting ready for work. I’m thinking I need to be out of the house by 4.45am in order to get the run finished and me to work on time. I think I need to make sure I’m out of the house by then. Which means a lot of things.

Coffee will have to be made already and ready for me to have after I’m done with the run. I should think my husband will have already have left the house by the time I get back. I will need to stretch a little too. And it takes me about 40 minutes to get all the way ready from the time I get into the shower and then out of the door.. And I will need my lunch stuff ready to go as well. Yeah…. I think 4.45 is when I need to leave..

Aside from these thoughts, I recently became a grandma. I love this little guy, he’s such a sweet little man. We talk and he is so cute. One night, about a week ago, his parents went on a drive to just get away from the house for an hour. We had him in our room and as we are watching him sleep, his little eyes start to flicker, like he’s in REM stage. Clearly babies dream. Now, we can argue about when does a soul enter the body and a baby become a cognitive being, however, that’s not what I want to talk about. My belief, or idea, revolves heavily on reincarnation. I feel this way from my own life experiences telling me so. My husband also believes in this line of philosophy . We watched him, dreaming and a thought came to me. What if they’re dreams are memories of the life they just left? You see them smile from time to time or their little faces get all scrunched up and they get upset. My husband said either that or it’s the download that comes from changing bodies. He said in his experience, he has come to areas that are foreign jungles and he knows that you can’t go one way because there is a ravine right there, and he’s never been there before. I still say the memories. It’s how our subconscious mind talks to us, and it does show memories. It’s how there have been many documented times of children knowing things they couldn’t have known before.

From what I have learned in the last ten year or so, is that for some reason, we tend to travel in the same karmic circles. We have reoccurring souls who we have contact with over and over again, lifetime after lifetime. Some are good and some we can do without, at least, it would seem, we could do without them. I guess one of my favorite movies that kind of follows that would be Cloud Atlas. Wow. Such a great story. We have the opportunity to be better, to do better, to be the best version of ourselves that we can be. Changing and evolving, hopefully for the better. And then the question of destiny or free will came to my mind. If it’s all part of a plan, do we really have free will, or was all in the plan to start with? Too many questions came to mind for me this morning.

I think I’m a bit sunburnt from my adventures today too. The first outing, I had my sunglasses on. The second was my shades and my hat. The third was my shades again. I am very sweaty and I am looking forward to my second shower of the day.

This goes from Show Low lake to Fools Hollow Lake.. Fun hike??

I ran out of my thyroid meds last week. Went into the office where I buy them and they were out. They won’t have them until maybe Wednesday. I am hoping that by upping my miles, I will be able to maintain and be normal until I can get back to my normal medicine and routine.

It seems that after having our eldest live with us for a few months, they are ready to move into their own place. I’m excited but I’m bummed too. I will miss the good conversation and the laughs. I will miss seeing the little ones and the extra voices all around. But, I understand wanting to have a place of your own, so I smile and enjoy them while we are all here together. I forgot a family photo recently, but, hopefully, I will be able to get one soon enough.

I feel pretty scattered writing right now. I don’t have my music on to help me concentrate and focus a bit. It’s all good though, no need to word about it right now. For the time being, I’m going to sign off, and bid you all a good night. It’s been a good day. I’m glad to be where I am. I look forward to what’s to come. Tomorrow brings a new day, a day to be better than what I was today. I am working hard on that one. ~ PeAcE~

The Voices in My Head

The last few days, I have had a hard time. With both running and life. Yay me, right? I have slacked off in running giving into the dogs’ whims of where she thinks she wants to go for a walk … And I have let her. Because to tell you the truth, I haven’t felt much like running.

I’m worn out. From running. From life. From working. I’m just tired. And I’m tired mentally more so than what I am physically. I’m tired of listening to the same conversation about the virus. I’m tired of being told that it’s a hoax. I’m tired of being nice to everyone. I have been wearing a zipper mask for the last few months. I like it. I had one man tell me he wished all women had a zipper on their mouths. I now wear it as a statement and a reminder of what NOT to do. I need to keep my mouth shut at work. I feel too differently from the people who I am around all day. And with my only seeming ally now gone and moving to be with her family, (for which I don’t blame her, I’m just bummed she’s gone, it’s hard to find good friends) and the other ally out today, I feel alone. And then the voices started. And they weren’t very nice today. They helped to make me feel worse than what I did.

It started out as an alright morning. Would have been the first morning that I would have had to wear my running lights, but I waited. And I waited and was playing on the internet. I don’t mind Instagram so much, but, the stuff that is being said on Facebook lately, makes me sick. There is so much hate and anger from so many different sources. I needed a break. I took it off my phone. For a few days at least, let my head reset and get back to normal. So, I went for a walk. Nothing too exciting about it other than I could have run it, and been done faster. I didn’t have any music or my phone with me for that matter. I admit I was a little nervous that my daily alarm to get myself in the shower was going to go off when I was out and then someone would have to run upstairs to turn it off. I made it in time. I got my coffee. I went upstairs and started to get ready.

I didn’t listen to music the whole time I was getting ready. And once I got in the car, it was whatever came on from my phone. But here’s the thing that made it even more fun for those voices of self-doubt. I was walking down the stairs, about to gather my stuff to leave and my wrist vibrates. It’s a phone call from Snapchat from my sisters. Not just one of them, two of them. And as we briefly spoke, the call went weird and dropped my younger sister. I talked to my older sister for a whole of 42 more seconds and then we hung up, she to go get clean and me to get to work. And then the thoughts started running through my head, like why would my sisters call me… and that’s when it hit me, why would my sisters call me? I’m not a mean person and I don’t hate my family, I’m usually pretty forgiving of all things when it comes to my family, but, that question still persisted. Why would they call me? I haven’t had any of mysisters call me in months. None of them, for at least four months. I get calls from my parents more regularly, but never, ever my sisters. And I have three of them. If we talk, it’s because I have made the phone call… (Ok, that’s not all true. Sister called me about two months ago.) It made me so mad to think about that in such a manner. So much so that I was in tears, trying to calm down before I was less than 10 minutes into my drive to work. And that’s about the time the voices really started in on me. And I started to think about all the areas of my life that I have failed or not been good at, and I felt like the world was falling on me. Why would I stay in a job I am miserable doing? Why don’t I have the desire and drive to change things like I want to show everyone? Why am I not good enough? Why am I not going to ever achieve my goals? Why can’t I be better than what I am? Mind you I’m still driving at this point. And not too far from where I started. What comes to mind at this point is, I’m on time for work, I really don’t want to have to stop and take a moment. I don’t want to have to try to make myself look presentable enough to where I can walk into work, and not worry about anyone asking have you been crying? I sat and focused my mind on the music. It’s what I like to call my worship music. It’s what I meditate to, it’s what I make love. It’s my form of worship, and I love it. A friend from long ago made it for me when we were in massage school. She named it Peyote Lullaby. It’s one of my most treasured gifts because it was music. It calmed me down. And I thought of my lover (my husband). He is my rock and I’m grateful for him and what he brings to my life.

I made it to work alright. On time. Yay, doing good today. I managed to silence the voices for a bit to get to work. I managed to stop asking myself questions that are self-destructive, though, I decided it might be a day for taking meds to help calm me down. So I did.

Work poses its own unique set of challenges on a daily basis. The conversation is still the same, every day, day in and day out. Aren’t you tired of this of stuff? Don’t you hate wearing a mask? Yes. To both of those questions, but, it’s not about what I want or like, it’s about what’s best for the common good of all people. My face is breaking out from wearing the mas. It’s not like it’s something that I love. However, I do have a collection of masks so it’s not so bad.

I have a zipper on the mask I have been wearing. For the second time today, I was told by a man that they wished women would have a real zipper over our mouths. The first gentleman told me specifically, that I should have a zipper on my mouth. The first time a comment was made today, I laughed as all I can think is, I will not stand for criminal abuse. But I feel like I have to just take the abuse from customers and move on because, well, they were just being funny, right? The good thing is I haven’t been told to smile in about 5 months, so there is that. And that wasn’t even the catalyst of it all. I got to hear from a younger man about how there is no glass ceiling for women in banking, men only make it to the top twice as fast because they have the drive and desire to get further than their female counterparts. Women put their families first more often than what men do so they only go so far. And I can see that as being a logical thing……. In a man’s mind.

Maybe I’m too sensitive about it all. Maybe I need to not be so uptight about it all. And then again, maybe not. For today, I will keep my happy face on and pretend that it’s all ok and that things are just as peachy as I wish they could be. But on the inside, for today, I’m spent. Perhaps I will run when I get home and blow off the steam of the day, but, you know, that could always prove to be problematic due to the fact that I’m a woman, and that in and of itself seems like a good enough reason to run other women over with vehicles.

I tell my husband being a woman is like being a 4 sided bladed sword. No matter how you touch it, you get cut. Dammed if I do, dammed if I don’t. What to do, what to do…

I feel like I don’t write much anymore. Like my thoughts aren’t welcomed by anyone. I feel like my thoughts are ignored and talked over. I feel like my thoughts and ideas have no merit or worth because I’m talked over so often. Mansplained over most areas in my life. I feel like I write for myself only since it seems no one else reads it. I admit it’s been quite a long time since I have written anything. And staring at a computer all day long doesn’t really inspire me to sit on the computer at home, but, it seems I need to. For myself at least. ~PeAcE~

The Sundae Column

The last few weeks have been trying to say the least. I know I’m not the only one whose life has been affected by COVID-19. However, I have been able to work and for that I’m grateful that I am still able to maintain.

It’s been on the minds of everyone that I know. From the people who come into the bank to the ones who live in the next room over.

I feel like I haven’t written in a while. I’m pretty sure that I haven’t. My fingers are cold and tired and I am having a hard time trying to focus. My stomach has been hurting for a while now. I’m pretty sure it’s stress. Stress from it all. As restrictions have kept many inside, I am one of the essentials, and therefore I am one of the ones who are able to go to work to help the world keep function in some way. It’s been about 4 weeks now since this has taken ahold of the community where I live and work. Many weeks longer in other parts of the country and the world. In fact, I feel like being called an essential worker is a lot nicer than saying we are human sacrifices. And to be honest, that is how I feel when I get to work in the morning.

In the last few weeks I have seen, even more than usual, that the all mighty dollar is what rules the world. People are dying in mass and we are worried about stupid shit. I feel like there is a large portion of our society that think others are blowing it out of proportion and it’s not a big deal. I have heard that drinking black tea will keep you out of harms way so it’s alright to just go about your daily life like there is nothing to worry about. I have heard that the virus doesn’t survive in heat so we need the summer months of our Arizona summer to hit us sooner rather than later. I have heard that masks aren’t really going to do anything so we shouldn’t worry about covering our mouths.. That one being my favorite from POTUS. I have even heard we should start WWIII with China over it… All I could think of at that very moment, as I was recalling that bit of news, was a line from The Princess Bride when Wesley is about to rescue Princess Buttercup, Vissini says, Never get involved in a land war in Asia. I don’t understand a lot of what others are thinking or what Fox News is telling them to think. It’s almost as if the US is seeing what this is doing to our allies and our enemies alike and we just put our heads in the sand and say it’s not that big of a deal.

And yet, we have already surpassed the number of deaths in any one country. The community that I live in hasn’t had anyone they know really get sick from it yet, so it’s still like this mysterious thing that only affects other people, those who are bleeding heart liberals who live in big cities. Serves them right kind of thought. I feel like it is the same thing that happens when people start to have it happen to them or their families. Once it becomes personal, that’s when we start sitting up and taking notice. Like gay marriage. What the fuck? Like it some how invalidated any one else’s marriage? What the fuck ever! It was never about politics, it was all religion.. Until it started to happen to the politicans. People had to fucking die in order for others to see this wasn’t a joke and this is about being treated like a human. If you are against it, wake the fuck up and pull your head out of your ass. It’s not about you anyhow. Love has no end, isn’t that what the Bible teaches? yeah.. I read it too. Maybe that’s what should be taught instead. Love is endless and love is beautiful and there are so many kinds of love that the book talks about. There was never any punishment for being gay either. But that book is very clear that if you’re a divorced woman, you shouldn’t even be alive. Adultry made the top ten list on that one too.. I digress

Where was I?

…???

Oh yes, Australia. Just kidding… 🙂 The issues coming home. I have a strong belief that there are many out there who look at an issue, be it human rights or otherwise and think it’s no big deal, why do we have to honor fill in the blank. But then the issue comes home for them. It becomes personal, it effects their lives directly. Some will look at it from a new perspective and see that this is something worth while to fight for because it now involves someone they love. There are others who don’t care about that and will continue to have the same ideas… I can’t help them. Though I hope that one day they see that being able to give our love to another person is truly something to strive for. Love really is beautiful.

In my country, we are divided on how we should handle this new kind of reality. I have been saying it’s now week 3 of The Twilight Zone. I have no doubt suicide rates are about to skyrocket and in about 10 months we are going to have a baby boom.. One thing I saw today, and it was also pointed out shortly thereafter, is there are so many people right now in my country who are shouting we need to just be able to get back to work. They are saying well, it’s only so many people who have died from this, it’s not really that bad.. they are the same people who shout out about we should ban abortion for good in this country. Wow.. talk about a switch. As a woman in this country, I find it disgusting how laws are allowed to be passed solely on religious beliefs and our rights are taken away. We are promised to have a clear separation of church and state in the 1st amendment in the Bill of Rights. But for the life that’s here already, they don’t give two shits. They don’t care about a mother’s life if her’s is in danger, she’s not allowed to terminate a pregnancy. They have gone so far as to say that having an abortion is a prison worthy crime. Yet, for the life that is here, with our hearts beating wild and free, fuck them. They don’t deserve to live. It baffles my mind. I don’t understand that in any way.

For me it’s no surprise that so many are going along with what Fox News tells them think. They always do. It’s ok, they are entitled to be told what to think. I have no problem with that. What I do have a problem is when you’re attitude about a world wide pandemic is that you think it’s no big deal, what are we all so worried about. I have a problem that you have so little regard for life. I have a problem that you have no problem with being a carrier and you can give it to others who may not have as good of an immune system as you do. I have a problem when the Almighty dollar means more to my countrymen than the lives of the ones who live in this country. We are facing a fucking Greek tragedy here. Like a real life thing. I don’t understand how so many cannot see the reality of what the outcome could lead to. Things that could be prevented if we listen to and follow the precautions given by the CDC. Wear a mask when outside of your home. Stay the fuck away from people. Don’t think this is going away simply because we are going a bit stir crazy. The more you gather the more it will take off again and again. I’m sickened to think of what Michigan is going to go through in about three weeks, after yesterday’s protest of their shutdown. It’s going to effect the world economy in ways we, my generation and the baby boomers, have only heard about. It’s going to devastate many billions of people. In my country, if we don’t get it under control and start to follow what is being told to us, we stand to lose a lot of people. Like someone you know. Or someone you know has lost someone they know or love.

It’s coming. Whether my fellow countrymen chose to believe it or not, it doesn’t stop it. I can only hope that when the smoke clears, I can hold onto the ones I love again and enjoy the little things in life. An adventure far far away with my husband, a snuggle with my girls and their babies, a race with my sisters, a run through the woods with my dog, a picnic.

Until then, I will keep running. I love that I am still able to run. I will do the best I can with what I have. I will smile and try not to stress over things I have no control over. And as of today, I will be including a totally op ed piece once a week because I can only censor myself in writing for so long. And since it’s my page, and I can do what want, I will be having a sundae column, with the same title, so you if you don’t want to read it because you are tired of reading other people’s opinions, then that’s cool. I get it. Whatever.

The First Quarter

By now, if you are reading this, you have have realized I can be very wishy washy about my life and decisions and how I roll with everything. However, unless you live at sea with no contact with the outside world, well, likely then you wouldn’t be reading this. The world is in chaos and it’s a trying time for all. I can’t seem to understand the whole idea of hoarding toilet paper, and if I see people who do, I want to kick them. If we just shopped once a week, got the things we needed for that week and went home, there, very likely, wouldn’t be such a shortage. But seriously, what the actual fuck?

The year hasn’t been the most awesome for me. I mean there have been some really super cool things that I have finished and I’m very excited and grateful for that. I have run a marathon. And been sick, and haven’t run that much. I have started to clean up my life and clean things out of the house, too many clothes to say, I am constantly going through my stuff now and thinking it’s ok to let it go.

The virus from hell has been unleashed and is making it’s way to every part of out tiny little world, drawing us more together, though, we can’t actually be together. Store shelves are empty and people are in a panic about life and their place in it. It’s a strange time. I am considered to be essential personnel due to working at the bank. Part of me is so grateful for my job and that I am able to go to it. And the other part of me wants to use that time to my advantage and do some things that I haven’t been able to do. Like my writing classes that I have meaning to get through.

And in the midst of this whole thing, my grandma died. It’s like life has stood still for the last week and I can’t seem to make sense of the whole thing. The thought of losing a parent kills me to the core, so, I can only guess how my mom and uncles are doing. As Rick said, “I just lost my mom, how the hell do you think I’m doing? I’m not okay.” She died on Thursday a week from this last one. Nine days ago. It’s very surreal. There are so many stories I could tell about her. I had the chance to live with her and my grandpa when I was young.. Like 19 or so. I got to see her as an adult (kind of an adult. I wasn’t living with my parents, but, I wasn’t living on my own either.) and that made a lot of difference in how I was able to interact with her. We would talk about boys and if they were cute. She was so funny about that. She was the first one to take me to the ocean when I was 8. As so many mornings are at the beach, gray and overcast, that morning was the same. I wanted to run straight into it. I let the waves chase me up and down the beach. I had sand in between my toes and the smell of the water, so much salt, was stuck in my nose.

Needless to say, I, like my family are heartbroken. But, even in all that I knew about her, and all the times I got to spend with her, she was more than that to so many other people. I was able to attend a grave side service for her this week. Thursday. It started out sunny, and by the time we were done, it was cold and windy. I kept thinking to myself if I don’t get ready to go, it didn’t really happen. I wanted to hug her one more time and tell her how much she influenced me in my life. And I can’t do that. So for the last week, I have thought of different ways I could honor her memory. She was 88. Born in 1931, during The Depression. She had many danish cookie tins full of buttons, because you never know when you won’t be able to buy those things. She and my grandpa had many different things they did to make money, but, mostly, they did it themselves. He was an electrician then a general contractor. They owned apartments and ran an assisted living home. She was an amazing seamstress and worked many hours creating wedding dresses. I don’t have the same interests she did, though we share a love of music. She was recently telling my husband that she used to play flute. She gave it away and missed playing it… my mom has it. She didn’t remember that she gave it to her. But it’s got me thinking about music again.

For these reasons I have decided that I am going to use the things I love to help honor her. I feel best when I run. So the first way I am going honor her, is to run from this day, today, Saturday March 28th, for 88 days. One day for every year she was alive. At least two miles a day. She was proud of my running and it felt good to see that pride in her eyes. The next way I am going to honor her is to take this shelter in place seriously and use these days, I am going to do something to help myself learn to use writing as a full time gig thus allowing me to do what I love and be able to have the freedom to do the things that make me feel good. Writing is one thing that I love doing and I want to do that as my full time gig for living. But not like full time like I work now. I mean I want to write and create art using painting and pottery and somehow making a comic. Every day I will do something to help myself to get to where I want to be, until I reach my goal. And from there, don’t stop learning about it to get better at it. The third and last way I will honor her memory is take up music again. I have a violin, but it’s not for me. I love the sound of the brass. I will find me a new or like new used trumpet and I will play again. I will play with a group again. With any luck, I will be back to playing as much as I did when I was in school, about an hour and half a day. Maybe more on days when I’m having a hard time with something and maybe less when it’s close to a performance.

My heart is hurting and so sad. I miss her. She taught me so much. In her honor I will raise a glass of diet Pepsi and eat my apple slices, put on some terrible soap opera and create something beautiful. She had a little tv in the sewing room and we watched terrible soap operas. She had my sisters and I iron handkerchiefs. They do look so much better when ironed. There is no denying that. In her honor.

Today, I used my watch, but I didn’t care about the time it took to get my two miles in. I went slowly and made sure to let the dog sniff as she hasn’t been able to get out much this week either. We got to see ducks at the lake and then my favorite pair of ladies. These two are gems for sure. Not sure how it happened, but, they are together and I love to see them in the mornings. We went home and it was a short run, but, since I have been so inconsistent with running for the last three months, I need to work up to it a little. Will be back to long runs in no time.

I am so grateful for the family that I have. They have always been my rock. I am truly blessed. Death will come to us all, and there is no stopping it. But for now, I can be happy about the time I have with the ones I love the most.

Waffles and Beer

I know that I can’t be the only adult person I know, who, after a long day at work comes home and think of the easiest thing to eat for dinner and cap it with a nice cold beer. I often find myself writing with my Angry Orchard next to me, after having a dinner of a bowl of Honey Nut Chex. Tonight wasn’t too different than that, I had come home tired after a long day at work. It didn’t bother me to be there longer than normal, it was beyond my control. Got home after picking up the youngest from my parents house. She was already fed and as soon as we got home, she tells me the she’s going to bed because she’s so tired. I go into my room and find my husband sleeping so soundly. He was cute all snuggled up in the blanket. The dog only wanted on to the bed to sleep next to him. Me, I wanted wings and beer. I settled for waffles. Kashi Glute Free Original Waffles with butter and homemade peach raspberry jam… but not too much, if needed, I could have picked them up and ate them like toast. And now, I’m sitting here, after my chores are done, having my beer. At this point, I find myself to be lucky because it’s a cider so it tastes like apple juice, so it’s not like having a beer made from hops for breakfast, though, if I could, I would still drink it. Newcastle was my favorite beer for many years.

I didn’t run today, however, I was glad to have gotten out yesterday as well as Wednesday. Yesterday I was able to take the dog to the outdoor classroom for a short loop around the learning area. I didn’t have enough light to make it the full 6 miles without having my flashing lights on me and the dog. Well, the dog’s harness is a LightHound, so it does glow and keep her lite up while we run. Anyhow, it was also the longest run since the marathon. I am still shocked how long it’s taking me to feel fully recovered. I am sure that if I forced myself to get up and go run in the morning, I would start feeling better, so, I am going to get up in the morning and do the full 6 miles of the trails. At least I hope we can get to the trails without a ton of mud. As much as I like the mud to hike in, I don’t like it to try to run in as I have slipped and pulled a muscle before and while I should be more adventurous, I don’t like not being able to run at all from being injured.

I find that while I love the afternoon runs, I don’t like how many other dogs and dog owners we come across. I have been charged far more times while running with the dog in the afternoon and the evening. I think it has to do with the fact that more people are more likely to be out in their yards doing maintenance, or out with their own animals than in the morning. I like that about the morning. I don’t tend to see many other runners with animals, nor do I see animals chilling on the front porches of houses. Most homes I pass are still clocked in darkness. It’s lovely. It’s beautiful to see the sun come up while running. I like doing trails in the morning for this reason. It’s like a dream being in the forest in the morning when life is coming out of the night time slumbers. The light comes through the branches of the tress overhead shining it’s light on the stream that runs along the footpath. I can’t think of a better place to hang out at way too early in the morning 🙂

View from the Bridge at the Outdoor Classroom

Wednesday’s run wasn’t a fun one. I was tired and sore and upset and had much on my mind. Heavy stuff for me, and that was hard. However, after getting my short distance of a mile and half done, I was able to sit and listen and focus, meditate facing the afternoon sun. I don’t know why, but, I love to sit in the sun and close my eyes and just listen to my most favorite song, a friend made me a CD, it was homemade, it’s different songs put into one continuous stream of tones that make me feel like I’m spinning, oddly enough, a song within this song is called Whirrling Dervish. Which is even more interesting if you think about a whirling dervish was s group a people who were followers of the poet Rumi and they would spin, an it was called a Whirling Dervish. Just some fun facts… at least I hope I remembered that correctly. If I didn’t, I am truly sorry. I read it once, it was in the beginning of the book The Essential Rumi. The cover of this book is the same photo of the cover of the album of the song Whirling Dervish… so much cool if you of it…. Where was i…. Oh yes, spinning.. I sat and thought about the stuff from the day and decided to let it all go. Let go of the stress of it and it was going to be ok. Whatever the outcome.

The dog wanted to go further than I did on Wednesday. It’s all good, I just didn’t really want to. I wanted to run forever and not deal with it, but, it wasn’t a good time to push my miles. I haven’t been as active as I normally am, and I don’t want to end up with shin splints or stress fractures by adding too many miles too fast again, so, I am going slowly. Maybe I will only do the loop for the morning. It’s 4.5 miles. It’s a good idea to go backwards!! Yes!! That way we can add the loop at the outdoor classroom which will get our miles up to 5.25 miles. Not too shabby. But a good route… or not. I never know until I get out there and I go with all the factors for running… Weather is the most important, but, every once in a while, I get that feeling that I need to not be out there, I don’t ignore it. If something feels off, I will stop the run and go home and not run at all until that feeling is gone. The dog isn’t always happy about that, but, I feel like for what ever reason I feel like that, at least I’m still alive and well to be able to make the decision.

I feel pretty good, I think it’s time for me to turn in. I will run tomorrow, I have no doubt. It’s going to be wonderful.. even if it’s not the best.. it’s going to be best 🙂

Getting Through the Sickness

Admitting that I have been sick is a hard one for me. Not because I have something dreadful and contagious, I just don’t like getting sick. And coming back after being sick is hard. I always feel like I’m going to be so out of shape if I have had to skip so many days of not working out. I can’t say that isn’t a true statement at this point either.

When I came back from my races in January, I was sick. I was the day I ran my 5k and then I was sick for a few days following, including the day that I went into work knowing I was going to leave as soon as I could once I got there, because I didn’t want to call out after being out for 5 days, 3 days were the weekend though. I needed them to know I was sick. It was hard coming back from that. I had only a few weeks to really get over it so I could do the marathon. I thought I was good enough when I ran that, but, in hindsight, I probably could have skipped it and been just as well.

I tried to do a different workout last week after finally feeling a little recovered from the marathon, and to be honest, I didn’t realize it would take my body as long as it did to recover enough to feel like I want to run again. I laugh because I knew that one was going to be the first, which totally implies that there will many more.. and there will be. And I have an idea and a baseline so there is that going for me.

This past week, the last week of the month, I was feeling puny on Friday and then by Monday, it was full blown sick. Again. Not as bad as last month, but, I wasn’t happy about it. I have been slacking. And truth be told, I have been using this whole recovery period as a way to not eat the way I know I need to, though, I have successfully avoided my favorite place to eat at lunch for a while now. I am pretty proud of that. Too bad they don’t have a gluten free crust!!

I wanted to run again. I miss this. I miss the early mornings when I am on the streets with the dog and it’s just us, making our way down the road. Getting to see the animals all around and the cars that go by so early in the morning. I am thinking I am now on the mend enough that I am feeling back to being able to get up and go run. That’s been the pisser of it all. I haven’t felt rested enough to get up early and go run. And what’s really going to cook your noodle is realizing that I told our team captain of the Sue’s Crew walk that the bank is a part of that I would do that again this year, two weeks before I am going to do the half relay with my sister again. Yay for helping out a good cause.. Walking for a full 30 miles. I know now sunscreen, and have an extra pair of shoes and socks and I will be golden.

So yesterday, was the first official run I have been on with the dog since before the marathon. It wasn’t a very long run, I was supposed to go the Valley after that, but, it was nice to be outside with the road under my feet. We went to the lake, took some cool photos, and then I decided that we are not going to try wade through the spillway, so we turned around and only did a short loop around the neighborhood. And while I wanted to run a lot more than what we did, I had to remember that this is the first time in a long time that I have taken the dog out, so with that in mind, I did let her sniff the leaves and pee every 60 feet along the road.. no worries, I pick up the dog poo, I’m not an asshole. I was glad to be outside.

Last night, my sister and I were able to take a walk so I could finish getting all of my steps for the day. I was glad for the walk. I enjoy our time together. I was able to get all of my steps. And then today, I got a little walk in with Vanessa, so I feel like it’s the start of me coming back to the year. I am working on things and I feel like good things are on the horizon.

Anyhow, it’s time for me to get some dinner and then I have some work to do with drawings and stuff. Until then, happy weekend.