The First Quarter

By now, if you are reading this, you have have realized I can be very wishy washy about my life and decisions and how I roll with everything. However, unless you live at sea with no contact with the outside world, well, likely then you wouldn’t be reading this. The world is in chaos and it’s a trying time for all. I can’t seem to understand the whole idea of hoarding toilet paper, and if I see people who do, I want to kick them. If we just shopped once a week, got the things we needed for that week and went home, there, very likely, wouldn’t be such a shortage. But seriously, what the actual fuck?

The year hasn’t been the most awesome for me. I mean there have been some really super cool things that I have finished and I’m very excited and grateful for that. I have run a marathon. And been sick, and haven’t run that much. I have started to clean up my life and clean things out of the house, too many clothes to say, I am constantly going through my stuff now and thinking it’s ok to let it go.

The virus from hell has been unleashed and is making it’s way to every part of out tiny little world, drawing us more together, though, we can’t actually be together. Store shelves are empty and people are in a panic about life and their place in it. It’s a strange time. I am considered to be essential personnel due to working at the bank. Part of me is so grateful for my job and that I am able to go to it. And the other part of me wants to use that time to my advantage and do some things that I haven’t been able to do. Like my writing classes that I have meaning to get through.

And in the midst of this whole thing, my grandma died. It’s like life has stood still for the last week and I can’t seem to make sense of the whole thing. The thought of losing a parent kills me to the core, so, I can only guess how my mom and uncles are doing. As Rick said, “I just lost my mom, how the hell do you think I’m doing? I’m not okay.” She died on Thursday a week from this last one. Nine days ago. It’s very surreal. There are so many stories I could tell about her. I had the chance to live with her and my grandpa when I was young.. Like 19 or so. I got to see her as an adult (kind of an adult. I wasn’t living with my parents, but, I wasn’t living on my own either.) and that made a lot of difference in how I was able to interact with her. We would talk about boys and if they were cute. She was so funny about that. She was the first one to take me to the ocean when I was 8. As so many mornings are at the beach, gray and overcast, that morning was the same. I wanted to run straight into it. I let the waves chase me up and down the beach. I had sand in between my toes and the smell of the water, so much salt, was stuck in my nose.

Needless to say, I, like my family are heartbroken. But, even in all that I knew about her, and all the times I got to spend with her, she was more than that to so many other people. I was able to attend a grave side service for her this week. Thursday. It started out sunny, and by the time we were done, it was cold and windy. I kept thinking to myself if I don’t get ready to go, it didn’t really happen. I wanted to hug her one more time and tell her how much she influenced me in my life. And I can’t do that. So for the last week, I have thought of different ways I could honor her memory. She was 88. Born in 1931, during The Depression. She had many danish cookie tins full of buttons, because you never know when you won’t be able to buy those things. She and my grandpa had many different things they did to make money, but, mostly, they did it themselves. He was an electrician then a general contractor. They owned apartments and ran an assisted living home. She was an amazing seamstress and worked many hours creating wedding dresses. I don’t have the same interests she did, though we share a love of music. She was recently telling my husband that she used to play flute. She gave it away and missed playing it… my mom has it. She didn’t remember that she gave it to her. But it’s got me thinking about music again.

For these reasons I have decided that I am going to use the things I love to help honor her. I feel best when I run. So the first way I am going honor her, is to run from this day, today, Saturday March 28th, for 88 days. One day for every year she was alive. At least two miles a day. She was proud of my running and it felt good to see that pride in her eyes. The next way I am going to honor her is to take this shelter in place seriously and use these days, I am going to do something to help myself learn to use writing as a full time gig thus allowing me to do what I love and be able to have the freedom to do the things that make me feel good. Writing is one thing that I love doing and I want to do that as my full time gig for living. But not like full time like I work now. I mean I want to write and create art using painting and pottery and somehow making a comic. Every day I will do something to help myself to get to where I want to be, until I reach my goal. And from there, don’t stop learning about it to get better at it. The third and last way I will honor her memory is take up music again. I have a violin, but it’s not for me. I love the sound of the brass. I will find me a new or like new used trumpet and I will play again. I will play with a group again. With any luck, I will be back to playing as much as I did when I was in school, about an hour and half a day. Maybe more on days when I’m having a hard time with something and maybe less when it’s close to a performance.

My heart is hurting and so sad. I miss her. She taught me so much. In her honor I will raise a glass of diet Pepsi and eat my apple slices, put on some terrible soap opera and create something beautiful. She had a little tv in the sewing room and we watched terrible soap operas. She had my sisters and I iron handkerchiefs. They do look so much better when ironed. There is no denying that. In her honor.

Today, I used my watch, but I didn’t care about the time it took to get my two miles in. I went slowly and made sure to let the dog sniff as she hasn’t been able to get out much this week either. We got to see ducks at the lake and then my favorite pair of ladies. These two are gems for sure. Not sure how it happened, but, they are together and I love to see them in the mornings. We went home and it was a short run, but, since I have been so inconsistent with running for the last three months, I need to work up to it a little. Will be back to long runs in no time.

I am so grateful for the family that I have. They have always been my rock. I am truly blessed. Death will come to us all, and there is no stopping it. But for now, I can be happy about the time I have with the ones I love the most.

Waffles and Beer

I know that I can’t be the only adult person I know, who, after a long day at work comes home and think of the easiest thing to eat for dinner and cap it with a nice cold beer. I often find myself writing with my Angry Orchard next to me, after having a dinner of a bowl of Honey Nut Chex. Tonight wasn’t too different than that, I had come home tired after a long day at work. It didn’t bother me to be there longer than normal, it was beyond my control. Got home after picking up the youngest from my parents house. She was already fed and as soon as we got home, she tells me the she’s going to bed because she’s so tired. I go into my room and find my husband sleeping so soundly. He was cute all snuggled up in the blanket. The dog only wanted on to the bed to sleep next to him. Me, I wanted wings and beer. I settled for waffles. Kashi Glute Free Original Waffles with butter and homemade peach raspberry jam… but not too much, if needed, I could have picked them up and ate them like toast. And now, I’m sitting here, after my chores are done, having my beer. At this point, I find myself to be lucky because it’s a cider so it tastes like apple juice, so it’s not like having a beer made from hops for breakfast, though, if I could, I would still drink it. Newcastle was my favorite beer for many years.

I didn’t run today, however, I was glad to have gotten out yesterday as well as Wednesday. Yesterday I was able to take the dog to the outdoor classroom for a short loop around the learning area. I didn’t have enough light to make it the full 6 miles without having my flashing lights on me and the dog. Well, the dog’s harness is a LightHound, so it does glow and keep her lite up while we run. Anyhow, it was also the longest run since the marathon. I am still shocked how long it’s taking me to feel fully recovered. I am sure that if I forced myself to get up and go run in the morning, I would start feeling better, so, I am going to get up in the morning and do the full 6 miles of the trails. At least I hope we can get to the trails without a ton of mud. As much as I like the mud to hike in, I don’t like it to try to run in as I have slipped and pulled a muscle before and while I should be more adventurous, I don’t like not being able to run at all from being injured.

I find that while I love the afternoon runs, I don’t like how many other dogs and dog owners we come across. I have been charged far more times while running with the dog in the afternoon and the evening. I think it has to do with the fact that more people are more likely to be out in their yards doing maintenance, or out with their own animals than in the morning. I like that about the morning. I don’t tend to see many other runners with animals, nor do I see animals chilling on the front porches of houses. Most homes I pass are still clocked in darkness. It’s lovely. It’s beautiful to see the sun come up while running. I like doing trails in the morning for this reason. It’s like a dream being in the forest in the morning when life is coming out of the night time slumbers. The light comes through the branches of the tress overhead shining it’s light on the stream that runs along the footpath. I can’t think of a better place to hang out at way too early in the morning 🙂

View from the Bridge at the Outdoor Classroom

Wednesday’s run wasn’t a fun one. I was tired and sore and upset and had much on my mind. Heavy stuff for me, and that was hard. However, after getting my short distance of a mile and half done, I was able to sit and listen and focus, meditate facing the afternoon sun. I don’t know why, but, I love to sit in the sun and close my eyes and just listen to my most favorite song, a friend made me a CD, it was homemade, it’s different songs put into one continuous stream of tones that make me feel like I’m spinning, oddly enough, a song within this song is called Whirrling Dervish. Which is even more interesting if you think about a whirling dervish was s group a people who were followers of the poet Rumi and they would spin, an it was called a Whirling Dervish. Just some fun facts… at least I hope I remembered that correctly. If I didn’t, I am truly sorry. I read it once, it was in the beginning of the book The Essential Rumi. The cover of this book is the same photo of the cover of the album of the song Whirling Dervish… so much cool if you of it…. Where was i…. Oh yes, spinning.. I sat and thought about the stuff from the day and decided to let it all go. Let go of the stress of it and it was going to be ok. Whatever the outcome.

The dog wanted to go further than I did on Wednesday. It’s all good, I just didn’t really want to. I wanted to run forever and not deal with it, but, it wasn’t a good time to push my miles. I haven’t been as active as I normally am, and I don’t want to end up with shin splints or stress fractures by adding too many miles too fast again, so, I am going slowly. Maybe I will only do the loop for the morning. It’s 4.5 miles. It’s a good idea to go backwards!! Yes!! That way we can add the loop at the outdoor classroom which will get our miles up to 5.25 miles. Not too shabby. But a good route… or not. I never know until I get out there and I go with all the factors for running… Weather is the most important, but, every once in a while, I get that feeling that I need to not be out there, I don’t ignore it. If something feels off, I will stop the run and go home and not run at all until that feeling is gone. The dog isn’t always happy about that, but, I feel like for what ever reason I feel like that, at least I’m still alive and well to be able to make the decision.

I feel pretty good, I think it’s time for me to turn in. I will run tomorrow, I have no doubt. It’s going to be wonderful.. even if it’s not the best.. it’s going to be best 🙂

Getting Through the Sickness

Admitting that I have been sick is a hard one for me. Not because I have something dreadful and contagious, I just don’t like getting sick. And coming back after being sick is hard. I always feel like I’m going to be so out of shape if I have had to skip so many days of not working out. I can’t say that isn’t a true statement at this point either.

When I came back from my races in January, I was sick. I was the day I ran my 5k and then I was sick for a few days following, including the day that I went into work knowing I was going to leave as soon as I could once I got there, because I didn’t want to call out after being out for 5 days, 3 days were the weekend though. I needed them to know I was sick. It was hard coming back from that. I had only a few weeks to really get over it so I could do the marathon. I thought I was good enough when I ran that, but, in hindsight, I probably could have skipped it and been just as well.

I tried to do a different workout last week after finally feeling a little recovered from the marathon, and to be honest, I didn’t realize it would take my body as long as it did to recover enough to feel like I want to run again. I laugh because I knew that one was going to be the first, which totally implies that there will many more.. and there will be. And I have an idea and a baseline so there is that going for me.

This past week, the last week of the month, I was feeling puny on Friday and then by Monday, it was full blown sick. Again. Not as bad as last month, but, I wasn’t happy about it. I have been slacking. And truth be told, I have been using this whole recovery period as a way to not eat the way I know I need to, though, I have successfully avoided my favorite place to eat at lunch for a while now. I am pretty proud of that. Too bad they don’t have a gluten free crust!!

I wanted to run again. I miss this. I miss the early mornings when I am on the streets with the dog and it’s just us, making our way down the road. Getting to see the animals all around and the cars that go by so early in the morning. I am thinking I am now on the mend enough that I am feeling back to being able to get up and go run. That’s been the pisser of it all. I haven’t felt rested enough to get up early and go run. And what’s really going to cook your noodle is realizing that I told our team captain of the Sue’s Crew walk that the bank is a part of that I would do that again this year, two weeks before I am going to do the half relay with my sister again. Yay for helping out a good cause.. Walking for a full 30 miles. I know now sunscreen, and have an extra pair of shoes and socks and I will be golden.

So yesterday, was the first official run I have been on with the dog since before the marathon. It wasn’t a very long run, I was supposed to go the Valley after that, but, it was nice to be outside with the road under my feet. We went to the lake, took some cool photos, and then I decided that we are not going to try wade through the spillway, so we turned around and only did a short loop around the neighborhood. And while I wanted to run a lot more than what we did, I had to remember that this is the first time in a long time that I have taken the dog out, so with that in mind, I did let her sniff the leaves and pee every 60 feet along the road.. no worries, I pick up the dog poo, I’m not an asshole. I was glad to be outside.

Last night, my sister and I were able to take a walk so I could finish getting all of my steps for the day. I was glad for the walk. I enjoy our time together. I was able to get all of my steps. And then today, I got a little walk in with Vanessa, so I feel like it’s the start of me coming back to the year. I am working on things and I feel like good things are on the horizon.

Anyhow, it’s time for me to get some dinner and then I have some work to do with drawings and stuff. Until then, happy weekend.

After the Race

I did it. I managed to run, more or less, a full 26.2 miles in the blazing Phoenix sun. The sun burn that I’m sporting right now is a lovely shade of fire engine red. Both my face and my shoulders were exposed and though I know better, I didn’t have sunblock on. I think I like the pain of it. Reminds me that I’m still alive and vulnerable to the rays of our star… Our star. The sun, so many amazing stories revolve around the sun and the Sun God(s).

I knew this wasn’t going to be an easy feat for me. I know that my pace is slow, I would venture to say a turtle pace. In fact I got a vision of the tortoise and the hare in my head as I was running. For the weeks leading up to the race, I had fallen victim to a slightly pulled muscle. I had taken care to not overdo it and hope that in the end, I would prevail as I always tend to. Once I was able to run again, I was coming up to running my first race of the year. The Arizona Rock ‘N’ Roll Series. I like that it’s big, and there are so many people who are there running together. I had got to the valley on a Thursday and I was pretty excited. However, it didn’t go as planned. To begin with, I had a very bad night’s sleep. I have never slept on a foam mattress pad, and I can honestly say that I really don’t wish to do so again. It was the beginning. Went for a walk to shake things out a bit and I was shredded. I looked like shit. Took a shower to get the blood flowing and got dressed. Went to Walgreens because they have my allergy meds that I like and I forgot to bring mine down. I had the little one with me, and, well, to make a long story a tiny bit shorter, I got sick. I ran the 5k with my little goose and then went to my sister’s house and went to bed. Until the next morning when my baby is telling me she can’t do it without me and I told her of course you can. You are stronger than you know.

She was such a trooper. Ran her race like a boss. And then I went home. I spent the next two days in bed out of work, and then next week or so trying to get all the shit out of my lungs, ineffectively I might add too. My last long run before the marathon was 8 miles. I was spent after that. Clearly the illness had not really let me out of its clutches. I was nervous. This was a major thing that I had trained for, which, I really could have done so much better than what I did, and I was spent after 8 miles.

I got down to the valley, again, on a Thursday and this time, I was in a bed that I could sleep in. Went for a little run in the morning, felt pretty good. Then the morning didn’t go as well as I wanted it to. Argued with my best friend for a little while, and then we got through it, but, for those few hours, it stressed me out like no other. I hate when we argue, but, we are people who live together, and eat and sleep and hang out together, so, it’s bound to happen that we see shit differently. And we do, and it was made known. The day went on, and while I was doing better in my head, my head was not in the game of what it needed to be. Got back to my sisters house and we made a dynamite dinner of pasta and meat sauce with spinach and artichoke heart dip with sour dough bread. I was in heaven with the food. So much goodness right there. Around 8 pm, I excused myself to the room and began to make sure all was ready for the race. My clothes were laid out with care. My fuel in the bag, my water in the bottles ready to go. I was set. Got into bed, and was able to sleep a solid 5.5 hours.

Game face time. 3 hours until start time. I had to be up and out the door, to be at the bus loading zone before 4.15 am. Ok, I can do this. I managed to get myself up and ready and out the door on time. My husband was dropping me off, so he stopped and we got some coffee and then I drove to where he was going to drop me off. He was going too slow for me.

In only a few races I have done, I have been with someone or run with a friend. It’s not like running by myself is a new thing. And yet, when I got onto the bus, I realized how alone I felt. Not lonely, I don’t mind being by myself, but, for the first time in a long time, I felt alone. Maybe it was fear or nerves, but, it was a distinct feeling. One that makes me not want to be around others and that feeling stayed with me until I relaxed into the run, around mile 3. I knew others from my different running groups were going to be there and though I don’t feel very welcomed by them, it would have been a bit easier to see a familiar face. I want to feel welcomed though. I often wonder if it because I live so far away and because I don’t do a race every weekend. I come down, once, maybe twice a year for a race, so, I can see where it would have some overlook that I was going to be there. Anyhow, more of that later…

Sunrise, as it’s just starting to peak out

They national anthem is belted out by a 12 year old who sounded amazing!! They lit fireworks for it, I was stunned to be honest. How fucking cool is that? And then it’s time to go. So many runners go by, I tried to start in the back of the pack, and yet, I was so far behind the vast majority of the other runners. The miles came easy. I was so happy to have found my stride, I felt like I was trucking along and things were going my way. I was so loving the music and the view! My goodness, I thought. The desert, though not for everyone, has a certain beauty to it. And then I have a vision of Peter O’Toole, in Lawerence of Arabia, when asked why does he like the desert. Because it’s clean was his response and he’s right. It has beauty all of it’s own, and it’s clean with it’s wild dark purples and bright orange sunlight. Quite stunning really, and the photos don’t do it justice. I remember thinking about how I was looking at the full moon on one side of me and then sunrise on the other side of me and I love when I get to see that. It’s magical really.

Nearly a full moon going down on the other side of the road

I’m feeling good at this point. Mile 5, 6, 7, 8 just keep trucking along at a good respectable pace. And then I notice that my body is not as full of energy as it once was earlier this morning. I keep going and about mile 15, the desert sun starts to take it’s toll on me, and my speed feels like it slows to a crawl. I am always so impressed by so many kinds of people who run. I watch them as they pass by me, noting the way their bodies move and I can see where they are hurting at that time. And then I had a man pass me. He was a kidney and liver donor. He was holding his side as though he was in such pain, and he passed me. I kept trying to overtake him, and I just couldn’t. It was then that my heart started to realize that I might not make the time that I had aimed for, despite having a goal of just finishing to begin with.

I don’t remember when it started but, once I was told that I had to run on the sidewalks and use the street lights and oh by the way, the course is now having all the aid stations packed up and gone, and to make it even more challenging, they are moving all the traffic cones and the course is not really marked anymore, I nearly cried. I looked at my watch, 4 hours 11 minutes since start time, I had nearly 10 miles to go…FUCK!!!!! I press on, not going to let this get to me. But, inside, I was bummed. I kept thinking about how runners say you hit the wall at 20 miles. I remember asking someone about it. He said, there is no wall. Which, again, took my mind to another movie, this time The Matrix. It’s the scene where Neo goes to see the oracle for the first time and he talking to the boy about how to make the spoon bend, the kid tells him, there is no spoon. I thought of that. There is no wall. And so I kept trucking along. By the time I hit 6 hours, I was still almost a full 5k from the finish. I hadn’t pooped at all that day, so I kept thinking don’t trust a fart over mile 20. I had the chance to use the porti-potty and with the amount of work I would have to do just to sit down, I said fuck it, I can hold it.

I was about two miles from the finish, I saw my uncle walking across the street to walk with me for a minute. I had seen my husband and daughter twice on the course and their support cannot be understated here. I am so grateful for the love and support and encouragement that they gave me through the whole process of this and out on the course. I was so glad to see their friendly faces durning the run. I was cheered for by my name by the group of folks he was with and that made me smile so hard. He walked with me a iittle way and I was so happy to see him. I cracked on and got a move on. I was so close now.

I had to stop a few times and check the map to see where the fuck I was supposed to go to find the finish line. Down to the light and cross the street and you’re in the home stretch. However, with traffic now using the roads, including a round about to get to the finish line, I was feeling a little lost still.. I could see the finish line but, there wasn’t anything to point the way. My husband ran with me to the finish line and I thought I would cry when I finished and I didn’t. A nice young man named Mitchell handed me a medal and a towel and said you did it. You finished. There was no one there anymore. I had missed the time cut off. And wow, what a difference that would make, I should think. I asked for directions to find my gear, and had to wait for traffic to move so I could get one decent photo of me in front of the finisher banner. There was minimal shouting, from the same group that stood and waiting with my uncle, but, aside from them and my husband and my daughter, I felt like an empty victory. I had worked so hard to finish this. I had wanted to finish it in the 6 hours and couldn’t. I finished in 6:55:19… almost a full hour off the mark. I was devastated. Ok. So, I missed the time limit, big deal, not like I wanted to see anyone else that day, but whatever. I don’t have an official time, I missed out on all the after events and my pride has been a bit bruised, but I will get over it.

Later in the day, I see on social media that not only was most of my running group there that I talked to about me being there, but, they had a big after party. That’s when the feeling of being so small really hit me. I felt like I had just finished this big thing that others in my running group seem to think is a huge accomplishment, and when I do it, it’s like who cares? I cried. I have a hard time living in a small town that keeps me from being able to join others in celebration of all of our endeavors. I felt like not even an outcast, just like the kid who tries really hard to be friendly with the other kids, but, is still not good enough for them for whatever reason.

I have a hard time with making friends. I want to have them, but, I have a hard time putting myself out there for others to be able to reciprocate. I need better friends to start with, and while I know that it’s all in my head, and life really isn’t like that, in fact, I”m sure that most of these people aren’t like that at all, it’s just me thinking it has something to do with me, since I am the common denominator. But, life isn’t always about me. And it’s not always about what I want to do and what do I get out of something. Life is so much bigger than that. If have to remind others of my existence, then I really don’t want to have to deal with them. I had hoped that one day, I would have these great friends that I see in the running groups, all hanging out together. I realize, that’s not everyone’s reality. I wanted so badly to feel like I belonged to a group and I still don’t. I wanted them to like me. I am just going to be grateful for the friends that I do have and maybe instead of making friends wtih others, I should instead, just be happy with being where I am. On the outside of it. Still happy for other’s successes and wins in life and sad when the hard times come.

It was a hard run. I am grateful for what I can take away from this and hopefully utilize that in training for the next race. So that means no more getting sick or hurt. And training will be different. I shall do my best. I have another two races planned this year, you can bet it’s going to be a lot different this time around.

……

I don’t want to say that I have been left out of something, I realize most of the problems I have with my online friends is that I make something of nothing. I just see things differently than most and I am trying to understand the world doesn’t revolve around me. I find the latter hard sometimes. I get so caught up in my whole world that I forget others have things on their minds too. It’s all good. Tomorrow is a new day.. with any luck, I snow day at that 🙂

White Christmas Thoughts

Today, the 25th of December, is a good day to have the day off. For many, they will start the day with a hope and a wish and then the magic of day begins. Some will have wonderful days and some will have shitty days. What I have come to like about it is my run. This year we were lucky enough to have some snow fall overnight, not a lot, but, it made it cold and clear to run.

I had stayed up too late last night, like many parents find themselves on Christmas Eve wrapping the last of the gifts. I enjoy wrapping in that I get to show off how much I like to wrap stuff. I do have horrible posture so it makes wrapping a tough on me, from my own fault. I like to see how pretty it looks with the gifts wrapped and the lights of the tree looking so pretty. I don’t like to put too much on the gifts. I want to give my family everything, but, that doesn’t always happen. I like to find things throughout the year and stock pile it for the end of the year. Seems to make it easier.

I was able to get up and moving around 5. I know how I am, so, I figured that if I got out of the house by 6, I could, feasibly get back 7 or so, give or take some change since it was icy out. Due to the ice, Yak-Trax were put on and off we went for a loop around the lake and then the neighborhood, since I wanted to get a full 5 miles.

The song that started in my ears once we started our journey was Dwight Yokum, Thousand Miles From Nowhere. It was just after 6 when we left. We as in the dog and I. She was using her new Light Hound dog harness. It makes it so much easier to see, especially when there is snow on the ground and the light is reflecting onto the snow. That first mile I felt like I was just moving along. It was amazing. I did take off the spikes to run in the slush, since it’s less water in my shoes that way. I haven’t looked at the breakdown of the run yet, but, that first mile.. Wow, It was good. The second mile however, was less than stellar. I could feel the cold air making it harder to breathe and I could hear the wheezing coming from my chest. Walked more than I wanted to, but I feel like it was still a good mile. After I was able to get my breathing under control again, I was able to just run. I don’t know if I would say that I let my thoughts wander so much, but I was doing some thinking while I was out.

I have been giving some serious thought to what do I really want. And in doing so, I pondered what does it take to retire? Both of my parents just retired. I thought about those who lived on a fixed income and rent a place vs those who already own a home. I would think that if I had to pay rent and I was living on just what my retirement is, I would like to have as much of that income be there for other things. So I thought about what will it take to buy a home. I am thinking this is something I am going to work very hard on in the next year. I would love to retire earlier by doing something that gives me freedom to live in peace. I have asked myself over and over again, what is it that would give me the most happiness in the career life. Hands down it keeps coming to writing and some massage. Mostly writing though. Which makes me wonder what my next step will be to get that going. What I found was that a writer writes. And by doing so, they get better at it. So, in that respect, I am going to work on writing on a daily basis. I may not publish something every day, but, who knows. I am trying to think in the mind set of what can I do today to get me closer to my goal. I will just have to work on it.

I thought about the day. Christmas Day when I was young. It was such a big lead up to the idea of Christmas Day. We would get up super early and make coffee for our parents, which is how I learned to make coffee when I was a kid, and then wait. We would sit there, in our jimmies waiting for the big moment to arrive when my dad would let us start with our stockings. I love the stocking that used to hang in my parents house. My grandma made them us, each a little different the next one. Mine had a bell on the toe of it and it said Angel. I loved it. I always felt like I was somehow super special when I would get little things that my sisters didn’t get. One year, we all got pillows. There were three pillows with blue flowers on it, and mine had pink flowers. Once, the stockings had the California Raisins in them, and mine had a stuffed Santa Bear.. Which I still have on my bookshelf in my room. Even up until I graduated high school, I felt like Christmas was the greatest day.

Blended Herd.. They take care of each other

My first year in the Navy, I was stationed in Mayport Florida. Far far away from my family. I wouldn’t see them for a while. I was stunned with how disappointed I was in that first year. I somehow thought I should still be spoiled. That is still true for me in some ways. I know that there are going to be years when everything is amazing and wonderful and there are going to be years when I feel the let down. I am always surprised, every year. Mostly I have great years, but I have learned to not expect what I did when I was 6. I’m not 6, so, I will have to accept it as it is. I am a very spoiled woman, whether it’s Christmas or not. I don’t look forward to working tomorrow, but I am glad for the day off in the middle of the week this year. And now, it’s time for me to take of the family. Until we are here again, Merry Christmas, Have a Happy Hanukkah, Peace be with You, have Kwanza, and if you don’t celebrate, have a happy hump day!

The Training Cycle

I will be the first to tell you that I am not super stellar at being motivated in my personal life. At work, I tend to move and want to learn more, pushing myself to do better so I can, I guess, climb the ladder. I am not a fan of working. I feel like I have been working for the last 26 years, and I am not a fan of it and I no longer wish to work in the traditional sense of what I do. I perfer the comfort of my home, listening to my favorite writing music and putting my fingers on the keyboard and letting my mind wader as I type. I hit backspace a lot 🙂 While I am in my socks and yoga pants and slippers, sitting in my home feeling the composers pain as the tones of Toccata and Fugue in D Minor beaten into a pipe organ come flying into my ears, I don’t want to do anything. Not house work, not dishes not cleaning, and unless I am pushing very hard to finish a month with one hundred miles or more, I don’t like getting up in the morning and working out.

Alas, it’s now week four of marathon training. The first two weeks of training went fairly well. Got my long runs in and I was starting to have a good flow for it. And then last week, I slipped a bit. Monday wasn’t bad at all. Tuesday I had a schedule change and this became my early day. I got home thinking I was going to be able to change and then get my run in, likely pushing it close to my violin lesson. I instead had a discussion with my husband about the current cover of Runner’s World Magazine. The headline is talking about women and how many are harassed while running.

Needless to say, I didn’t leave the conversation with good feelings. Not like I was angry or anything, but, when trying to explain to someone I know intimately that I felt so inarticulate with my words, I was crushed. I want to make a living out of, essentially, explaing to others how I feel, and this was a huge blow to me. How will I ever be able to do that, if I can’t even express my thoughts to my husband, my best friend? It didn’t sit well with me. The run didn’t happen, though the lesson did. I came home in a funk and I couldn’t shake it. This lead into Wednesday. All day I was off. I couldn’t let it go, didn’t know what to think of it. And then, to make me feel especially good, I had a customer tell me that at my age, there wasn’t any real changes I could make that would allow me to be able to move out of the area, even if I wanted to. I’m stuck. Wow.. That made me feel really good. That night, my husband was the most wonderful man. He held me and loved me and didn’t judge me and wasn’t angry that I was off. I felt so validated. Thursday morning comes along and I didn’t run. I wanted to, but, a few contributing factors had left me feeling like I was getting sick. There have been prescribed burns going on in the area for the last three weeks and with little to no wind, the smoke settles in the trees and air and it gets in your head making you feel like you’ve been hit by a train. I slept in, and I was so glad for that. Friday, I was still not feeling good. Saturday I had planned the long run, 10 miles, but, that just never happened.

Sunday came and I was prepared for it. I had my new water bag out and ready to go, my bag packed with treats and fuel for the run. Everything was ready, and since I was leaving early, I figured I would miss the church crowd. Had my route planned and everything. I was going to run to the stop light and cross and head into Pinetop. From there I would run until I got to 3.8 and turn around. That was going to give me 4 miles left when I get to the stop light. It was more like 3. Now what? I hadn’t planned that part of it. So, I winged it. I was half a mile from home which meant I would need 2.5 miles, which is 1.25 miles one way. Off I go down the road, thinking, I wouldn’t be too long. It felt like an eternity.

3.8 miles from my house is The Lion’s Den… The end of town… before the country club.

I have managed to do pretty well on my workouts since then. I made a giant training calendar and it’s in my room and as the days go by, I mark off another workout completed. Without even realizing it, I am nearing the end of my first four weeks of training. I am surprised how quickly that went by. I am shocked is more like it. Who would have thunk it?

There is always much talk about cross training in my running groups on the internet. I have come to love so many of the people in these groups. It’s a place to be able to say what is on my heart and weighing me down without a lot of judgement. To be fair, I don’t like to air my dirty laundry on the internet. I have from time to time used my blog as a forum to bitch about work, but, after only hours, I have taken them down again. I don’t like to do that. There is such a thing called privacy. Not that I don’t tell people how far I ran today on the daily, but, my private life, I have a hard time talking to others about stuff that is none of their business. I have learned the hard way in my life to know that what gets written down can always be seen. If I don’t want the public to know, I don’t put it to pen, or fingers to keyboard. <<<<SQUIRREL>>>>>

One of these things is not like the others…

Cross training… There is a lot that can be said about adding some basic weight training to the running. I used to own a weight program and I loved it, but, I couldn’t find it. I knew that for this race, I was going to want to do some serious cross training to help me get into better shape for this race. I want to finish in 6 hours. I know I can walk 30 miles in 8 hours, I am pretty sure I can do 26.2 in less than 6. And by adding the weights, it will help me to tone up more and develop more muscle definition. Like in my legs.. I love my legs!

For this part of it, I wanted to find a good running plan and combine it with the weight training plan that I already have. I am using the methods described in Run Less Run Faster for the running portion of it and ChaLEAN Extreme for the weight part of it. I like how they work together. Three days of running and three days of weights is where I have settled into my plan. I noticed at the end of the second week, I was feeling like my pants were fitting a little nicer. Last week, not only did I let the voices in my head win the battles, but I ate shitty food to go with it. Fried pickles and beer were among the favorites that I had. Along with ice cream, lots of good chocolate ice cream. I knew I was going to have a hard time running on Sunday, but, it was ok. I wasn’t going to quit just because I had a bad few days.

Tomorrow will be the last workout in the Burn phase of the weights. I am so thrilled that I am able to say I have finally finished a full month of this training plan. Bought it years ago, like, before I met my husband, and had all of the workout written down so I could track and I have never made it past the third week in this. I was proud to see that yesterday as I was marking what I was able to lift and how many reps.

Thus far, with only a few days of setbacks, I am pleased with the progress so far. I notice that while I can’t run as long as I want, I have to have some sort of discipline in it, I feel like my legs are so much more powerful. Yay, squats are working! With the winter setting in slowly, I am glad that I’m not trying to kill myself with a ton of miles every day.

Watch out Phoenix Marathon, I am coming for you…… I am going to beat this training cycle.

The Light Within

For me, the idea of stretching and doing yoga after my morning run is like a dream come true. The reality of it happening however, it not so much. I yearn to feel the way the muscles can be relieved from tireless aches and pains through the simple, though not actually simple, slow process of yoga. I love how it makes me feel so alive all over. I feel peaceful and one with the world if I get the extra added benefit of at least ten minutes or more of meditation. The feeling of all of these things is so magical and it makes me feel very connected to the ever flowing energy all around. It is a rare event and I love when I can feel the light within me.

For the last ten years or so, I have focused more and more on the energy that flows. There have been many times over the years that I have been told that I have a light that shines from within. It was in those moments of hearing this about me, I was low. I didn’t feel like there was any thing special about me at all. It was just enough of a lift that it would keep my heart from giving up. And there were many times I wanted to give up.

About a decade ago, I had began massage school and I was in a low spot. I was getting through the reality of life without my ex husband as a newly divorced woman. I cried a lot in those days. It was in my Intro to Alternative Medicine that I began to question many things that had been presented to me as hard facts when the truth wasn’t exactly that. I wanted to get the most of the time that I had. For the time I was in school, our daughter was living with her dad. It was bitter sweet. I wasn’t going to be able to give her any time. I had to be at work at 5.30 am, worked until 2.30 pm, and then school started at 3. pm and didn’t get done until 7.30 pm. I would be gone before she got up and home after she went to sleep. It wasn’t fair when she could stay with her dad who would be able to spend nights with her and get her up in the morning, and be able to be a parent that I couldn’t do right then. If I wasn’t working on the weekend, I was doing homework or taking more classes for and in massage. It was my life.

I liked the sound of Reiki. It was beautiful and I knew that I needed to take that class. It was from this class that the whole course of my life changed. I knew the guy who sat next to me would be in my life somehow. I also discovered that there was a tangible energy that I could tap into to warm myself up when needed, like when my hands get cold, and that made me aware of the fact that I was glowing from the inside. I have since been told that is a golden colour. And as bright as the sun. Blinding bright. From time to time, I can feel that light.

Not my art work. Just a visual of how I feel

My favourite times to run are in the dark. Not sure why, but that also tends to mean its cold outside. This mornings storm was a welcomed sound to my ears. The wind brought a cool breeze that made me grateful that I was wearing long sleeves and pants. An article of clothing I had put away for the last four months? ……. Yeah, four months. I had a hard time with the running part of it today. I wanted to run, but, for whatever reason, it just wasn’t happening the way I wanted it to. We ran very little and my mind wandered to the events that marks 9/11 as a day in history. I still reflect on the events of the day as if it was last week.. I usually don’t remember yesterday, but a week, I can do that. To my horror, some of the memories have faded with time, however, the majority of it is pretty well burned into my brain. I was so young. The world was an adventure, and I was about to embark on a trip of a lifetime!! And what an adventure that turned into. It’s been 18 years and I tear up when I talk about it and when I see video of it. I was stunned. Who would’ve known we would go to war that day? That week? It was a very harsh reality check from me and my little sister, as we were both new to the US Navy, still in school.

I wanted to run today, I made it out with walk instead. I’m sure I looked pensive as I moved along, lost in thought. When I got home, I needed to get cleaned up for work, as well as wake the child. I let the water run over me and I took a deep breath. Of air, not water, duh. I closed my eyes. The heat from the warm water was so nice. By this time, I had gotten cold again, so the warmth was just capital! I love how when you feel the energy it makes you smile and it feels like that warm energy surrounds you all over. The feeling was so glorious this morning, I felt like my skin wanted to burst open from this fire that burned within. As though my flimsy human form has a very hard time trying to contain the light that it holds. I want to shine bright and allow it an escape, almost as though it’s under too much pressure. I have a lovely image of a statue that resonates with me so much that it’s the most beautiful representation of how I feel. Only, the light isn’t bright enough.

I don’t know who did this art work, but, that’s how I feel, the light inside me.

One of my favourite runs, I felt exactly like this artwork!! It was night time, in December a few years ago. I had to use my moms car for a time due to my car not running, so I would use the car and when I dropped it off at her house, I would run home. It was dark, on a Friday night, around 7.45 when I left my parents house. Since I wanted to make it a longer run than 1.2 kilometers, I went the other way around to my apartment. I would say I was about 2 miles into the run, on the back side of Rainbow lake, where there are no houses, and the lake is right there, the moon is lit in a lovely crescent shape and I could easily see the road ahead of me. I was in such a state of peace that I felt the light rise within me. It wanted to escape and light the whole night up. I was flying with my pace and I was so happy. I would say runner’s high but I feel like this was more than that. More than energy work, it was feeling like I was a star, shining on the earth, happy and peaceful and free.

*Stardust, staring Claire Danes*, again, just how I feel…

In these moments of blissful peace and harmony with universe, I know that I am blessed to have found this light within. It has always been there, others had seen it in me, but I couldn’t. The growth that comes from giving time, time, is essential to ones’ personal development. When the towers fell those years ago, life changed as I knew it. Ten years ago, I was learning to grow up and beginning to adult. I still am not too fond of adulting. It’s not my favorite thing, but I like the benefits that it gives, so, I do. I am learning to do better as a person, as a professional, as a wife and a mother. I am not perfect by any means and to be honest, I don’t see how I make a difference to others. But then I see the way the light shines on others and brightens their life, I know I am on the right trail.

I am relearning how to be still and relax and meditate. I love that feeling after running when I have stretched and am able to it relax and calm my mind to a peaceful meditation. I downloaded Soulvana by Mindvalley and started to listen to the 6-phase meditation. I have heard wonderful things about it and to be perfectly honest, when the light within me dims, as it has lately for whatever reason, I start to shut down in a lot of other ways. Running helps for sure, but, I feel like I have lost my muchness, and I don’t want that. I need to get back to me again. So, I can say that after doing this a few times, I feel like I’m on cloud nine when done with it. For my own project, I am seeing what mediation can do for me, and what can be accomplished once I let go. Who knows… Maybe my idea of a perfect day will become my reality. Night all… 🙂

Letting the Music Shuffle

On mornings when I am able to get out of bed on time and take off like I need to, I have a set playlist of music that I am always listening to. However, some mornings, like today, I put on Pandora and I let her dictate what comes up. I like that it gives me music I don’t have in my collection and I get to hear all sorts of cool stuff.

the lake this morning.. made it a whole mile and a half

To be fair, I really didn’t want to get out of bed this morning. Shocking, I know. But the dreams were too bizarre to keep going. I could hear the dog outside wanting to come in, and once I let her in and got up, there was no telling her that we weren’t going to go. She sat down on the bathroom floor and glared at me. I could take the hint today. So I compromised with her and we did a little mile and a half walk. My body has been hurting which is why it’s been so hard for me to get up. I think I broke the bed again… dammit.

So, made it out the door. Decided that whatever I was listening to on Pandora the day before would be fine for the walk, so 90’s Pop it was. So much of what I remember growing up is in this time frame. I remember a lot before that, but, this was my teens and the years that I should be able to remember the most of. The music is what always sticks out with me. I like to think of that time in life when I let the music shuffle.

Take today’s song that really stuck out with me. It wasn’t a song that I remember hearing before, but, I knew the artist and album when it came on. The sound was so familiar. Sure enough, when I took my phone out of my belt, it was The New Radicals. The song was Mother We Just Can’t Get Enough. If you haven’t had the chance to hear it, take a listen. It’s brilliant! In the notes I always seem to think of Trisha. I have such lovely memories of us together. I love her still, after these 20 plus years. I still call her mom, Diane, Mom. Diane and I are 20 years apart.

I first met Diane when I was 16, just shy of my 17th birthday. The summer I got the job, I had fallen for this guy and he worked at the grocery store. I thought he was the bees knees… totally fell in love with him. The summer hadn’t been the best. I had gone to the valley with our church youth group and had a blast and we went to Sunsplash after a conference of sorts. Instead of going home with the group at the end of the night, I was going to stay for a few weeks with my grandma. My older sister came to pick me up and I was going to spend the night with her and in the morning, go to my grandparents house. I stayed the weekend because Crystal had asked my grandma if that was ok. She said yes… at least that’s what I remember. After getting to her house on Monday or Sunday night, I had a phone call from my dad. He was livid. Unbeknownst to me, there was a reason why he didn’t want me to spend the weekend there, and we got into a fight, and I said, “I’m 16, I have rights!”. That wasn’t the right thing to say. I was on my way home the next morning or the morning following. I had my keys taken away and I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere or do anything. I was stuck. No phone, no TV, the worst kind of grounded. I was able to go to my grandma’s birthday party with my parents, and then home. For my mom’s birthday party about a week later, Aaron was there. Wow… After that night, I just adored him. In realizing that he worked at the grocery store, I came to the conclusion that if I could get a job there, I would be allowed out of the my house, and I could make money and then, the best part, I would get to see him. And talk to him.

I remember just starting and I hadn’t been out of the floor for more than a day and I saw him. And he said hello and smiled at me and I was fucking floating I was so happy. Yada yada yada, I met Diane within that first week of being there. She had a daughter who was a year older than me, in school and damn near exactly a year in age. Eventually, we became friends, Trisha and I that is. We were together all the time. She was the best friend that I had ever had. We would drive around town, in her Dodge something car. Little, purple. I broke the door.. Rather, I didn’t break the door, it broke after I had gotten into it. And, though it seems easy to do the Dukes of Hazard style of getting in and out of the vehicle, it wasn’t as easy as it was made out to be. And I was ever so slightly less elegant than John Schneider. One of my favorite photos was of me the day that the door broke with my fingers on the window looking out, you can only see my eyes, but you can see the smile.. I was in so much trouble 🙂

After I graduated, we lived together for a short while. I was new to adulting and didn’t do a good job of it. I learned much and it took it’s toll of her and I. She had the CD Maybe You’ve Been Brainwashed Too by The New Radicals. I loved signing in the car with her to that disc. We had a blast being friends.

She and I see each other from time to time, our kids are close in age, though her son is a grade ahead of my daughter. I love and I tell her that each time I see her.

I enjoying getting to mix up the music that I listen to when I am awake and doing anything and what kind of wonderful things I will remember. A lot of the music in the 90’s was sad and depressing and it made me just not enjoy life. Honestly, I didn’t like myself growing up and that made it really hard to be able to enjoy the childhood that I had. I am so grateful for my family, my friends at the time, my experiences, they helped to make me the person I am today. I wouldn’t trade it. Yeah, it wasn’t always fun, but, you get through the bad parts and focus your energy on the present. Only a fool trips on what’s behind him.

With luck, tomorrow I will feel good enough to run again. I have to, marathon training begins soon and I would like to be able to push myself for this. I want to do it right. I want to finish, but it would be amazing to do it with some speed too. The music will likely be the normal Running playlist as well, but, that is always on shuffle. Everyday is a winding road. Hopefully the music will speak to my soul and move my feet down the road a little faster than the day before.

The Random Thoughts

I have had a lot on my mind these last couple of runs. Yesterday was no different, but, I was able to take my favorite trail up to the lake and back. It’s about 6.25 miles give or take a tenth. It’s been a long time since I have been up this one. It feels like almost a month or more. It could be. Anyhow, I have had some ideas going through my mind and this is what I have come to.

Recently, a work colleague went to her 20th high school reunion. She said it wasn’t bad, but what was shocking was a girl had come in and went to all of the people around her and told them what horrible people they were for doing those things to her or made her to feel a fool of some sorts. This got me to thinking. I didn’t have the greatest time in school, but, I don’t think that holding onto that kind of anger and resentment for so many years is a healthy thing. So I wanted to do something different. In my life time, I have been able to have a series of wonderfully power moments that have helped and shaped who I am today. I can call upon these moments now and be so grateful for the cheerleaders I had growing up. I wanted to do something about that so they knew how much something they likely don’t remember has helped me make it through some hard days. I wanted to say thank you for making that day easier for me. For being my cheerleader. My best thought was to do this as a book, which I may do, but, for today, I wanted to do it as an open letter. I may do a series of them and it may just be today.

However, the one I need to write today is not to anyone one person I have met. I wanted to do this for someone I love a great deal. They are a veteran, they are trying to help the world be a better place for our kids. This particular person happens to have an accent, suggesting he’s from another country. Make no mistake, he’s born in California, raised on the ocean, served our country. He joined because he saw serving this country as a duty as well as a privilege, not during a time of war either. I served with many people who weren’t from the United States and were on the path to becoming a citizen of this country. This whole thing makes me wonder how they are getting along in our country right now.

An Open Letter to the Korean Veteran and Staff and Manager at Wal-Mart in Payson Arizona.

Dear Manager,

This past Friday, the 16th of August 2019, my friend was at your store in the afternoon. He was standing in line and when and older couple approached the same line, he told them to go ahead of him in line. The gentleman was with his wife. He was wearing a Korean Vet ball cap and my friend says “Thank you for your service”. Due to my friends very thick accent, he was asked why thank me if you’re not from here? My friend explained he was born here, he was raised with a family who wasn’t from the states originally. They being to chat about where did he serve, did my friend serve, the older gentleman’s wife served, my friends’ wife served as well, how do you feel about combat. Then the conversation turned to politics and the gentleman asked my friend what did he think of the president. My friend simply stated he wasn’t a fan and they began to talk about how the gentleman voted for him but he is regretting this decision. They go on to talk about how they, the couple, remember this happening when they were young. They remember.

At this point, as a lady in front of both of them goes to leave, she looked back at them all and told my friend to go back to whatever shit hole country you came from. I was shocked as I was being told this and I felt like I knew what would happen next, but I was surprised. The older man stood up straight and told this woman off. Rightly so. As a veteran myself, I find it incredibly offensive for others to think it’s ok to talk like that to anyone. This is the 6th time in 2 1/2 years that he’s been told to go back to where he came from. When your CSM was called over to help with the situation, I was again surprised to hear that the woman in question, who made the remarks, was asked if she was finished with her transaction and that she was asked to never return. She was no longer welcome and that Wal-Mart does not tolerate that kind of treatment to anyone, let alone those who have signed a contract up to and including your life. The lady becomes increasingly angry over this. After all Payson isn’t a huge place with many places to shop. The manager is called over and repeats what the CSM had told her.

I was shocked to hear that this happens, but, it happens a lot to my friend. No doubt it happens to the ones I served with who also have thick accents suggesting that they weren’t born in this country. First, I wanted to say thank you. Thank you so much for standing up for my friend. Thank you for seeing this happen and doing something about it. I was so angry to see this man cry when he has told me about the treatment he gets simply because he has a foreign accent. Six times this has happened. This is six times too many. But, for the first time, someone was there to stand up for him and to be able to do something about it.

To the Veteran and his Wife: Thank you so much for your service. Words cannot adequately express how grateful I am to hear about your reaction to this whole thing. I have been blessed to have worked with veterans, a few who served at the same time as you. You have my undying gratitude and respect. Thank you!

To the Store Manager: Thank you. I know that it cannot be easy, dealing with the amount of patrons that come to your store. Dealing with the public can be exhausting at times, but your reaction and handling of this situation is worthy of notice and praise. It says a lot about the integrity of your employees. They didn’t tolerate that kind of behavior nor should anyone have to deal with it. They were marvelous and deserve recognition for taking a stand against the hatred that seems to permeate our small communities. I cannot tell you how much it is appreciated to know that I can shop in your store and that won’t be tolerated. Thank you!

Think about it. To have wanted to join the military, to get to serve in the military, and then to be treated like garbage because of the way he talks. The current administration has made similar comments to other people, and as the leader of the free world, he is the head of our country. He has made it ok to be an asshole with no thought to consequences or backlash. To be told 6 times to go back to where you came from. I realize most where I live think California is a foreign country, some would say that about Texas is as well. When does it end? When did we stop the spread of hate? When do we realize that we really are all the same? I don’t know. I don’t see an end in sight.

When the Run Doesn’t Happen

This last year has been a challenge for me with running. For the last two years, I have been able to run virtual runs and earn milage for different places around the web. One of my favorite being Yes.Fit. I am pleased with myself with these medals and I have busted my ass to get them. I have goals and with the running, I have been able to meet these goals. This year has been substantially different.

For starters, I have a lot of medals. And I love to look at them, but, I have no place to put them. I have this awesome hanger my sister got me last year to help display them, and I haven’t found a place to hang it. And then there is the other factor of I really should have saved the money on these medals. For the medal and the shirt, because what is a race of sorts without the t-shirt to prove that I did it, it’s about $50. Which is totally reasonable since most races are about that and the local ones, until this year, haven’t had medals for finishers. But when I add up how many I have done, and how much I have put on my credit card, well, then it starts to add up.

I had promised my husband that this year I would be different. I wouldn’t sign up for any virtual races. And unless I had already signed up for a race, I wasn’t going to go to any of them unless they were on the mountain. So far this year, there have been two races, with a possibility of two more.

I need to have goals. I need to feel like the work I am doing is going for something. I want to have to push myself to do something that I thought I would never be able to finish. My body is strong and I want to see what kind of limits it can push and reach and accomplish if given the opportunity to do so. I want to fly if I could.

With the no races rule for the year in place, I have slacked off big time. I didn’t have a goal of reaching 1000 miles for the year, I didn’t have that extra push of trying to beat my last year. Why? What do I get out of it? I know that sounds bad, but, I want to be able to show off the fruits of my labor for having put so much time and effort and strain on my family. I run in the mornings because, I feel like when my daughter needed me, I needed to be there for her and the evening runs were just not helping the family. So I go in the morning.

But I will be honest here. While I love to get to see a beautiful sunrise, I loved running after work. I feel like it gives me the chance to burn off whatever angry customer I had to deal with today. I get to self evaluate what I could have done better and hopefully be able to put it into practice so I can be better the following day.

Let me tell you what races I have done. In January, I was able to complete the Arizona Rock ‘N’ Roll 5k and 10k. In April, I did the Pat Tillman run here on the mountain. It’s 4.2 miles representing Pat’s jersey number while he played for the Arizona Cardinals. Very emotional run for me. In June, I was able to run the San Diego Rock ‘N’ Roll 5k and half relay with my little sister. Now, in August, I have run a glow run with my daughter for the High Mountain Half series. If they have another Turkey Trot I will do that and I am thinking of signing up for the Cool Runnings 10k that is offered during the Fall Festival the last weekend of September. I need more.

I have singed up for my first marathon. As in an actual marathon distance. The distance that was ran and then promptly after the first person did that, they died. He ran from the ocean to Marathon which was a distance of 26.2 miles to tell of the invasion that was coming towards them. We honor his death all the time with this distance and well, less than 1% of the world can say they have finished a marathon. It’s a big one and I am scared. And what’s even more fun, training doesn’t start until much later this year. But I have no motivation to get up and go run now.

As I sit here, feet up, drinking coffee in my bathrobe, I know that I could have gotten up and gone for a run, but, instead I chose to sleep in and enjoy my morning. I needed to write so I guess the run will have to be postponed until laster today. Maybe. I don’t like that the one thing I had pushed for is now what I use to not run. If there is no medal, what’s the point? Why keep putting in the miles if I don’t get anything to show for how hard I have tried to push myself? Will I ever find out? Not sure. Maybe I will next year, but unit then, I feel like these are all just wasted miles. I realize how shallow that sounds, but, it’s the truth. I want to see something for my hard work.

As I think of what my next run will be, hopefully at least the loop around the lake, I will think of the events of the weekend. I have read much and have many thoughts of what the fuck is wrong with the deranged thoughts of a mad man. I will lace up and go out and wonder why and what can I do to help be the change to make it a better world for my daughters. I will think about when is it my time? Will I be hanging out with my family going to a movie or a concert? Will I be shopping for my next meal? Will it be while I’m going to church to support someone? Will it be at work or when I am out running with my dog? I hope none of those come to pass, but, in looking back at the last 20 years, I can’t be sure of anything anymore. I am mostly concerned for my girls. What if they are just trying to learn about fractions and integers? I digress…

I think the ultimate goal for me is to be able to become a full time writer and have the freedom to run when I want… wouldn’t that be nice?