When It’s Time to Take a Break

The whole idea of a rest day, is something that I love and I hate at the same time. If I don’t run in the morning, then I will feel it all day, and then nine times out of ten, I won’t run in the afternoon. And then of course, I will whine about it and try it all again the next day. I have been doing good this last month. I was able to pick up and start doing 10k’s again, and that was making me feel really good about it. I am so happy about that.

For the years that I did massage full time, I remember how others would get sick or injure themselves and I used to say that the body has a way of making you slow down when you really need it. I have been lucky enough to only have to deal with a few minor things. I’ve pulled muscles and fallen and hurt myself a bit here and there. Surgery was a hard one for me last year. I couldn’t run, and then I couldn’t have sex and there are two wonderful things that I use as a stress reliever (it’s also how I stay connected to my husband, and he’s pretty fond of that as well).

Let me paint a picture for you. It’s a beautiful summer day, the sun is bright, and we are dressed and ready to go take the kayaks out for a little fun on the lake. Have to take them to get washed off a bit, as they weren’t covered the last time we took them out, thinking that the rain will help clean them, and that’s not what happened. So go to the car wash and I jump out and am spraying off the two on my car and then Kelsie drives in and I’m to get the one on her truck. I get half way around to the back of the vehicle and I step up on the back bumper, that little dip where the license plate is, that’s where I’m standing. I hold onto the light on the top and get the sprayer and pull the trigger and next thing I know, I have been pushed back from the force of the water and one leg hits the wet concrete, my right foot and it keeps sliding backwards. And as I keep going down and the other foot finally comes off the back bumper and I’m in a side splits position and slam down on the concrete. I hear a loud pop and then I couldn’t move and I couldn’t explain how much that it hurt. I had injured myself. For the first time ever, I really injured myself. Kelsie and Thomas get me out of the wash bay and as I’m standing at the side of it, I can feel myself trying to not pass out from this. Voices are muted and it feels like they are talking to me at the back of a tunnel. Again, a new thing to come that close to passing out from pain. With much wailing and crying and screaming, I manage to get into the car and Piper drives us home. She is such a trooper though she was scared beyond words for sure. I try to get out of the car and Thomas asked if we need to go to the ER. Yes. Yes we do need to go.

Get to the hospital and Thomas gets me a wheelchair and I’m taken back immediately taken to triage, and from there, I’m quickly whisked away to a room. The tears from the pain are flowing and I have never felt pain like this before. I didn’t throw up, and I didn’t wet myself at the time, so there was a silver lining. It wasn’t even 11.30 yet in the morning. A gentleman named Matthew came in and did the X-rays on me, and I cried from that. The good news, no broken hip though it’s not dislocated either, and I can move the leg from side to side but I can’t extend my leg fully. So, they order a CT scan to make sure there are no broken parts in there, even a hairline fracture. As it turns out, the CT scan reveals that I have a torn muscle. My hamstring is torn and I have severely strained my groin muscles as well.

At this point, it’s getting closer to me leaving the hospital and I have two very nice ladies come in to fit me for crutches. Upon trying to stand up and put weight on the crutches I can’t do it, and the pain is unreal. I’m sobbing pain at this point. I am then given my discharge instructions and they put me in a wheelchair and take me to the waiting room, as I’m waiting for Thomas to get back to the hospital. More tears come as he’s trying to get me into the car. And then more wailing in pain to get me up two stairs to get into the house. I’m sure the neighbors were wondering what was going on. Got to the couch in the living room now and I’m in so much pain.

What feels like forever, I know to be only about an hour, I know that I have to get upstairs to get into the tub and into bed. I make the decision and begin my way up stairs. I’m on my butt, going up backwards, lifting with my arms and my good leg. The pain ranges from my low back and radiates from there all the way to my knee. There is a sharp shooting pain that goes down the back of my leg to my knee and wow. That’s super not fun. With much help, I get into the tub and do a soak, that hurts, and wash my body, I was super smelly. Got into bed, and then had some food, took my pain meds and went to bed.

Sunday comes and so far, there isn’t a bruise yet. It’s just hurts. I lay in bed all day only getting out to go the ten feet to the toilet and back. With my leg hanging, it’s very painful to try and use the crutches. As if it’s being pulled downwards and that hurts. I talked to a few people and spent time on social media, what a waste of time that was, and watch some funny shows here and there. Monday, Labor Day comes. I am determined to shower today. I make it to the bathroom and am able to use the shower chair my parents brought me the evening before. I felt so good to wash my hair and my body. To not smell myself was a huge good thing.

So now, here I am, on Tuesday (though likely won’t post until later this week). I have been able to make an appointment with my PCP for Friday. I am taking photos of the bruises to see how they change, and when I got up this morning, it looked like Mickey Mouse’s head. Now, it’s just a giant purple bruise that’s spreading. It’s so swollen and taking photos of it doesn’t do it justice, especially when you consider it’s right at the base of my butt. I have yet to be able to extend my leg at this time, and the dull achy pain, is more of an annoyance than anything. I can’t do anything and that’s what is hard for me.

So that brings me to taking a break from running. This one is not something that I had planned. But, with time off, I’m hoping that things will work out for me. I have some patches that I really wanted to sew onto a messenger bag that I love. I bought the needles for it, and now I have to get some thread and a pair of scissors up here and I can do that. I also have time to get back to my video that I’m making for sales of a product that my husband and I have invented. I haven’t worked on that for a while now and now is as good as time as any. I mean, all I’m doing is sitting on my butt right now. I am noticing that my hip hurts, my other leg hurts and I am working on moving my leg, but, I don’t know. It’s going to take some weeks to get back to normal again. In fact, the PA that I saw said he tore the same muscle last year, and it really does take 6-8 weeks of recovery before I’m going to be feeling more like normal. I don’t know how bad the scar tissue is going to be, but, I guess I will have to wait and see.

I have to say though, my husband and child have been so good to me and have helped me to get set up and be able to function a little bit. I have everything I really need, my grinder, my pipe, my food and snacks and now my computer. All I need now is to be able to sit on a hard surface without wanting to cry. So with that in mind, I will have to wait to go to work. For now, it is what it is. A lesson in patience, humility, and giving control to others to take care of me. It’s not an easy lesson, but, one that is there to learn. I will fight it of course, because I don’t know that I can’t do things. Which is the whole reason I was washing the kayak in the first place. I didn’t know that I couldn’t do that. I do know though.

Have a great day kids.. if you can run, run for me… I can’t for at least two months. ~ ❤️

Why Is Change So Hard?

You may not know this, but, I fancy myself as something of an entrepreneur. I have great plans for myself that include not having a 9-5 and making something of myself and put my own brand out there for the consumption of the world. I also write from time to time and have managed to write a whole book. I know this is going to be amazing and I love to dream of this. I know it’s going to happen. So why can’t I seem to finish what is going to launch this?

Earlier this week, I was asked if I am afraid of success. My very quick answer was yes. I am fucking terrified of this. Not so much success, but, stepping out into the unknown and take that chance, making myself uncomfortable. I have labored over this for 18 months now. I have 7 samples that don’t work, and three that do, but, they weren’t quick right, had to make adjustments on them. On Sunday I made three that didn’t work.

It was brought to my attention that there had contacts that had been made and they were all waiting on me to finish this. People want to see this and sample this. I have testers who want to be apart of the group of this. I even bought a serger to make it easier (I have to figure out what the original tension was at when it got here.. I have since adjusted it and can’t seem to get it right now, Dammit!). I have stalled and stalled and ignored it and left it to sit. I can’t tell you dear reader, the guilt I feel because I feel like I’ve let down my partner. I have not been a good partner. I have squandered time away on the internet doing not a mother fucking thing. Bought too much shit I didn’t need (though the new head lamp for running is going to be great, and I can’t wait to do a dark run again), and I have let him down so badly. It’s like I know what I’m doing and yet, I can’t stop myself from doing it.

Running though, helps. At the beginning of the month, I decided that I am going to hit my 1000 mile goal this year. It will take about 108 miles monthly to hit it. Last week was at 11 miles. This week, I will get about 21. I am trying not give myself shin splits, or worse, stress fractures. I have to start slowly so, it’s slow going. In my session today, I discovered that I am scared to death of change. Good or bad. I feel like I’m either holding on and don’t want to let go, or I’m standing there, just staring at it, and can’t a step. So, I made a commitment to her, and to me. I know that 30 minutes of meditation daily will change my life. I know that 15 minutes will actually do it too, but, I want to try one of my meditation programs. It’s 30 days for 30 minutes daily. I have also made the commitment to get my project done before vacation which is in like 2 weeks. I am looking forward to it. I have made the commitment to work on it nightly until it’s done. I will have to make my runs in the morning. Monday, I split it up, and I know that I need to get it done in the morning. I can’t split it up. I can do walks as well, but, that’s not the point. And the biggest bitch of this all, my dog no longer wants to run with me. I’m so bummed about that.

That’s a lot of commitments in a short amount of time. I can do this. Am I going to make it? I am ready for change. I am ready for change. I am ready for change. I embrace the wind of change, and relax knowing that it’s all going to be alright in the end. And if it’s not alright, it’s not the end… So, I have get going, I have a pattern to cut out and see about getting that damn thread tension figured out. Thanks for listening. I needed it.

Trying to Regain Lost Motivation

I see it all the time on social media. I have lost my motivation, how do I get it back? I don’t usually comment on those posts. I don’t have any thing to say that people want to hear. I feel that it’s not so much that we lose motivation, it’s that we lose the mood we were in when we said we would do whatever it is. I find that is true of running a lot. I have a lot of aspirations when it comes to running. I always tend to think that I will get up on time and be able to get out of the house on time and be back and able to get ready for work on time. I think that. But, reality usually knows a different story when it comes to that kind of evening motivation that rarely comes to me in the morning.

I’m not an expert on anything. Nor am I some sort of inspiration to others, though, I would like to think that I have influenced my girls to make good choices. I know some things about many things. What I know about running, has taken me years of doing it myself, years of watching and learning from other runners and just taking a chance once in a while. I don’t train in a way that makes sense to the majority of runners. There is no training in fact. I just go and see how it feels. There are even days when I have lost motivation to do the run and I let the dog chose how far we go and what direction we go in.

But we keep going. The why is important to some. They want to make someone proud. They want to see what they are capable of. They want to make better choices for their families. They want to be around for their children. And the list goes on and on for everyone of those people who have a reason to motivate and go.

For others, the why is no longer a thing to concern yourself with. It’s now a habit. You get up, you change into the gear and you lace up and go. Or you wait until the end of the day and go when the work is done. Sometimes those are the only reasons that you get up. That run. It’s second nature and you don’t even think about it.

I too have got to that point of losing the desire to run. It was about a year ago and it began slowly. I was so depressed that I actually made a call to get help. Took almost 9 months to get it but that’s beside the point. I felt like I was lost in a life that made no sense. I wanted to get better. I wanted to run. I wanted to feel that joy in my life again. It was hard. It was really hard and I had to navigate those waters alone. Not because I didn’t have others around me to help, but, when I feel like I did, all I wanted was someone to notice how bad I was getting. I wanted someone to say something that they noticed and yet, I couldn’t reach out to anyone. All I wanted was to hide and observe and then feel sorry for myself because life wasn’t going the direction I wanted. When it comes to our motivation, a lot of that comes from what’s going on with us in our heads. Life happens in such an abrupt way that it can sideswipe us and we never know what hit us.

To answer the obvious question, dear reader, I didn’t have anyone help to get me out of that rut. I knew from the years of running that I had under my belt, that the one thing that I was so desperate to do but couldn’t do, was run. I know exactly how good it feels to put in a good 5 miles before work. And that feeling when I get out of the shower after running those 5 miles is one of the best feelings I have. And yet. It was like everything in me just wanted to stay in bed and not get up at all. I would sit and take photos of the dog instead as she would sit on my lap. She’s such a pretty girl! So, what was it? I signed up for a race. A big one. The big one. For the first time, Boston had opened the race to virtual entries for 70K people. I saw that and I jumped on it.

After seeing that it was going to be needing to be done on the weekend before the race itself in Boston, I would have to complete it between the 8th and 10 of October. Well, that seemed pretty great since my birthday is the 9th of October. 42km for my 42nd birthday, seemed likes a great day. This is a big deal, Boston isn’t just any old race. It’s the coup de grace of races. This was the motivating factor in me getting my running back.

I had planned out the whole training sessions, and wrote it all down and had in on my dresser and each day I had planned out two workouts. I was very motivated. I wanted to do it all so well. What happened you ask? I know you did, because the last few times I wrote, it was long before getting the race done.

I didn’t make this but I love it. And Daniel Craig… 007 ❤️❤️❤️

Not everyday was hard, but, everyday, I had to make the choice to make the effort. I had bad mornings when I just didn’t want to get out of bed at all, and I had days where I really wanted to just be left alone. When I got a new job and my working hours changed drastically, I had to make the effort to get up earlier than I was and get my butt out on the road for those morning runs. Slowly but surely, I started to feel a little better. I noticed it little by little. I would feel great after running in the morning again, I would sleep better, and when the desire struck me to be intimate, I would go for it.. (though to be honest and fair, that didn’t start until I was taking meds for depression and anxiety). The week of the race finally got there. I had planned it out and knew the route I was going to do. I had gotten my outfit all ready and all my supplies ready. My husband dropped me off 13 miles from my house. I would have to double that along the way to get all 42 kilometers. I didn’t plan as well as I had thought. I finished, but, had to stop twice to recharge my phone since I used the app for the marathon, and I didn’t want to lose that since my phone was dying. I didn’t have a jacket on, just a long sleeve shirt and shorts. I didn’t have a hat and the wind was horrible!! The last half mile, my husband ran with me so I didn’t have my phone die at the very end. I was so grateful that it finally got the full distance about a quarter mile from my house. I was cold and tired and I hurt. A great deal. And the service I got for dinner that night was super shitty. Which was a bummer since I love that place. About a day later, I was already getting a sinus infection that could have been gone sooner, if I had done what I needed to do.. But I didn’t think of that for a long time. Two weeks in fact.

The race itself was hard, and I always finish a race thinking that I could have done better if I had only (fill in the blank). I know I could have done better, but, my planning was poor. However, it had the desired effect. It pulled the depression out of me for a while and got me to get up and work towards something. By the time I got to the race day, I felt mostly normal again. What happened afterwards for two full months is a story for another time though.

Motivation isn’t something you can get from others. You can be inspired to do things, but, you have to have something to fall back on when it comes to staying motivated to run. It’s not about losing motivation or losing your inspiration. It’s a commitment you make to yourself to take care of you. Running isn’t going to change the world and it’s not going to make you leap tall buildings in a bound. You’re not likely to save someone or come upon someone who is dead on a trail, despite what crime shows like to believe… Again, a topic for another time… You’re likely to fix you. You may figure things out in your head about why you are this way, why your family is this way. When my little sister comes to visit, I have to run miles and miles and miles and miles to get through to deal with it. It’s about finding the peace inside of yourself. That’s it right there. It’s a desire to feel that peace that comes when you have an amazing run. It’s the desire to feel like you can do anything. It’s the desire to be better than you were yesterday.

Not everyone will feel the same way I do, and they will have other ways to get back the motivation that you lost. But, again, it’s not really about motivation. It’s a commitment. And one that so many of us chose to make daily, weekly, monthly, yearly to be a better version of ourselves. Don’t relay on others to give you motivation.. be motivated by seeing what you can do, and then do it. You’re going to surprise yourself. Trust me 😎

As a point of reference, my husband did tell me to get out of bed a lot. He said that this isn’t just some race, it’s fucking Boston. Get up and go.

Reset Button

It has come to my attention that it’s been months and months since I have put pen to paper. Or fingers to keyboard as it were. I have thought about it many times, but the last time I tried to write, I went to my site and it said that the browser wasn’t supported. UGH!! 😑 😩

So, after a new update to the computer, I am once again able to get into the website and writing. I am happy to say that there have been many good things that have happened since the last time that I have written, but, there is a lot of stress with life right now as well, that I can say that I’m so glad for the running that is coming in the next few weeks/months.

The sun seems like it’s high in the sky, but it’s not

It’s really only been a few weeks since the last time I post anything. Which is nice to know that at least when I was feeling it, I was able to get something down. This morning’s run was so good! It’s been more than a week since my last run, 8 days, it was last Saturday in fact. Which feels like ages ago. I thought for sure I would be able to run every other day this last week like I had been able to do the week before, but, that wasn’t going to happen. Suffice to say, there has been a lot to things going on in life that I don’t want to share with everyone in the world right now. However, there are a few good things that have come from this week.

Starting today, Piper and I will be meal pre prepping. Or rather, I will preparing snacks for the next day so I don’t get to the middle of the morning and feel like I’m dying. The idea for Piper is to help her stay on track with snacking. And since she will be home this week, I am hoping that she will be making better choices. Tomorrow, Piper and I will be running daily, I am not going to try to go all out first thing, but, she’s going to be training for the 5k next month followed by stretching and 20 minutes of daily meditation.

There is going to be a lot more close family time as well, but, work is also getting more stressful, so, I may have to stay a little later on a daily basis. Overall, I think good things are on the horizon. At least I am hopeful for it.

Anyhow, surgery had me down for a while and now I am able to go out and run again. I am doing better with times and distances. Today I tried to keep running and push a little harder. We hit up the trail down the road a little bit down the road and it was so pretty. I loved being out side. I tried a new place list as well. I am pleased to say that this list was so awesome and I loved it!! The music of which I speak, dear reader, was a playlist on YouTube that had been sent to me by a co-worker one day. I listened to it, the title was Viking Music 2021 | World’s Most Dark & Powerful Viking Music | EPIC MUSIC | VIKING BATTLE MUSIC.. here’s the link.. Anyhow, it is music that I found that I loved to listen to. It made me friskies and from that, I thought perhaps, I would like to listen to this while running. After all, if you read the comments, some of them are awesome, so I tried it out and wow.. It was a good call I would say!! Lots of good beats to move too!

The air was cold this morning! I didn’t go yesterday because I was thinking 13 was too cold to run in, it’s not, I just didn’t want to, but, today, it was 23 out so I pulled on my long socks and my new hat and I went out. It was such good idea. It was only 3.57 miles today, but, I worked hard at it and the trail part of it is hard. My husband has said that he doesn’t want me on the trails just yet since there is a lot of jostling around of the innards. So, it was a little bit of the trail but mostly not. It felt good to be out in the forest listening to the beats of the vikings. Oh what a day for it!

Anyhow, I have one adjustment to make to the hats and then I can have them sent off to be made into samples so I can get those sent out for research and development. And then from there, it goes into production so we can start to sell them and get them onto people heads. That’s the goal at least. And then there is my book, that once I get the last modification done, I can go through the first draft and start to make revisions to it and go from there. And then, I have done something kind of big for me. I went and got my own OnlyFans page. What am I selling? Why my legs and feet in my pretty shoes while I read classic literature. I have a few books that I am going to read, but I don’t know which one to read first. I have Thomas Paine, Common Sense, Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter, The Complete Fairy Tales of Oscar Wilde, and Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol. I am thinking A Christmas Carol first, since it’s the holiday season, but, I don’t have the book yet, it won’t be here until Thursday. I like my feet. They are pretty and look like Barbie feet. I run, so my legs are defined and I like to buy shoes so might as well.

Shameless plug for myself? Yes. I love these shoes!!

I guess that’s all for today. It’s good to get this all out. I have missed this more than I can say! Have a lovely night you beautiful readers!

The Trails

May 5, 2020

For the last week or so I have been listening to a new book every chance I have. I like it for a few reasons. I relate to a lot of it, as a Navy vet and as a runner, but also as a person who promotes stretching. I promote yoga, but, I’m so bad about actually doing it. And I know better than that. Granted, there is so much more to it than just those things. I mean, this is a book about overcoming some serious obstacles, and how one can utilize the power of our minds to change our lives. I loved listening to it. The book was Can’t Hurt Me by David Goggins. I finished it on the way home tonight.

Sunday’s trail run! Oh what fun this trail is!

So, for the weekend, I was listening to it on both of my run. The first on was just a little bit on a trail, and then Sunday was a long trail run. I loved being on the trail. And I really enjoyed being outside. I got to wear shorts and I am now sporting a new tanner look. Not too much as I don’t like being in the sun for too long, I don’t like being sunburnt, but, I like how when I leave early for my runs, the sun feels good since it’s still a little cool outside. On Saturday, I really hadn’t planned much of what I was going to do for the run, but, Sunday, I put thought into it and I wanted to make sure that was able to have enough water for both me and dog as well as having enough fuel. It’s starting to get hot outside, I live in northern Arizona, so it’s bound to be hot for a while. I was wanting to get out a little earlier than what I did. it’s all good though.

June 3,2021

This year, as I’m sure I have written about it already dear reader, I set out to listen to books on tape while driving. I have completed some 5 or 6 books already, but, to be honest, I really miss having the hard book in my hands and turning the pages. I listened to books while running, and to be honest, it wasn’t easy. I was so focused on listening to the words, that I was losing time on my distance, so, I haven’t listened to books on tape while running for a while. And now I have found out the my credits for Audible transfer over to my kindle. Still not as good as a book, but, far easier for me to read this way. Besides, it keeps me up to date on reading.

I’m supposed to be reading a book called Anxious People, but, I haven’t started it yet. It’s for my book club. We meet about once every two or three months. It’s with my sisters and my mom and I chose the first book and that was super sad and I didn’t mean to make everyone cry with it. It was sad, but good. Lots of things I could relate to and more that I couldn’t relate to. Firefly Lane was the name of it. From what I have seen, Netflix picked it up to do a series of it. I haven’t watched it. Something about reading it and then seeing the movie/show, well, it never is as good as the movie. Like the book Water for Elephants. An amazing book, but I couldn’t watch it the movie. The main character just didn’t look like the ones chosen to play it.. in my head of course. So, I didn’t watch it. And what was missed in the books from Dan Brown’s books to movies, so much of the story and the why were left out. It was hard to see those ones, but, Dan Brown is such an amazing author, and I love reading his books. I think Tom Hanks did a fantastic job as being Professor Langdon.

Anyhow, I signed up for the virtual Boston Marathon, as I’m sure by now, dear reader, you are already aware of. Training officially started last week. I missed one run, but, in light on what happened, I will take missing that run over missing out on my husband any day. He’s way more important than a run to me. I’m sore today and my back is killing me, but, I will persevere. I think I will make one day an official off day, even though I’m still walking the dog daily. She needs to get out first thing in the mornings and I’m just her human to do so. With that in mind, it’s breaking my heart that she doesn’t have the drive to go for a run now. She’s contented to walking around the block. I need my running buddy, but, it’s hard when she no longer really wants to run with me. I was dragging her earlier this week on the run. I couldn’t believe that she just didn’t want to run. In watching her try to run yesterday, I just think she’s not feeling good. 😌

November 21, 2021

As it turns out, she just doesn’t want to run the same route over and over again. I don’t blame her. It’s pretty damn boring and well, there are only so many way to go around here. She is the best dog though. Always by my side when I need her. Had to have surgery recently. After the marathon, of course and she never my side. What an amazing soul! I couldn’t ask for a better friend.

Today I sat down to write. Something that it seems it’s been so long since I even tried to do and the computer was on the fritz. The webpage said my browser was no longer supported. Fine. I’ll upgrade the damn thing. Ugh!! What the French, Toast?! Made me a bit crazy to be honest. So I got on the phone and looked it up over here instead. It’s not as easy and I would rather be typing but we have to make due I guess. I’m actually waiting for my mom right now. Once she’s home I’m going to see her. But until then I wanted to keep myself busy. And I missed writing. There was much I wanted to say, but I guess it will have to wait. Until then, I will give you photos of the dog. My bestest pal. And then I will tell you about life, lately.

Mental Health Awareness: May

May 4, 2021

The last few days, I have had a few revelations. There are a good many people that I know who are struggling through a bout of depression. And it’s not just me, thankfully, but, to see it in so many that I know, it’s comforting and frightening all at the same time.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about the meaning of life; 42. I poured my heart out about how it’s been hard for me these last few months. And while I thought that I would be able to pull myself out of it, it’s been a few weeks, 4, and still no progress. I am a bit less stressed at work, which is helpful, but, I’m still not able to pull myself up yet. I put deadlines on things like this it seems. I feel like I should be feeling a certain way and when I don’t, I get even more down hearted and it becomes a spiral of downward motion, going faster and faster until it stops. Sometimes it’s harder to come out of it, the best way for me to deal is to run, and I feel like I have been wanting to sleep a lot lately.

I look around me, and there are people who are going through a lot rougher time than I am, and it makes me grateful for my own problems. Makes me grateful that I have learned to communicate a lot better than I did when I was younger. And it makes me feel like there is a bit of misery loves company within it all. It’s no surprise that the last year has taken it’s toll on so many of us. We are going crazy with the lack of other people, and yet overstimulated by the online connections. We have disconnected. From each other and from ourselves.

Oh sure, there are many, who were able to use the last year as a jumping off point and turn so much good into their lives. I applaud all of them. I only hope for many more wonderful things for them. I was so blessed to be able to see my grandson grow from the teeny tiny little baby to the walking baby he is now. I have been so blessed to become closer to Kelsie and to get to run with her. I can honestly say it’s nice to have a person to run with. I have been truly blessed with this amazing life that I have.

But despite all the beauty and wonder that I have all around me, the last year has started to really take its toll on me. From all that I have seen around me to all that I see around the world, it’s been a hard one. I have been strong through much of the pandemic. I went to work each day and smiled, even though it was obvious, we were busier than ever, and still are for that matter. I wore a mask daily and tried really hard not to get into debates about why I wear a mask in the first place. I came unglued at work one morning. I snapped at my boss and the others that I work with. From that point on, when it comes to politics or ideas on things I disagree with, there are whispers all around me when I get to work in the morning.. or so my anxiety tells me. I am sure there are plenty of days when they stop the conversation when I get there. I am well aware of the fact that I don’t always feel the same as the ones I work with. For me, it can almost feel hostile, and I know that it’s not the case, but, I have days where my mind isn’t able to be strong and the day feels like it crumbles all around me. I drive home with no music on and no book on and just listen to the sound of the wind over the car. It’s too loud for me. I wish I had noise cancelling headphones. I want to disappear into the wind at that point. I struggle with this thought.

What do I do about those thoughts? For one, I take meds for that reason. Thus the name, ‘morning high’, though, I don’t take meds before work. The weekends however, you can bet it’s a wake and bake kind of day. When I can’t take the meds what do I do? I try to remember that it’s ok. That it’s ok to not be ok and I give myself permission go to bed and try again in the morning. What I need to do instead, is run.

Over the years I have found that on the days that it’s so hard to get up and go, those are the days that I need it the most. If I can’t do it in the morning, I have a support system who will tell me to go out and go for a walk when I get home and I need to relax and unwind. I will get home and eventually make it up the stairs to my room where the shoes will come off. I will sit down on the ottoman and stop for a moment and just breathe. If my bong is out, I will go for that. Even if it’s not out, that’s what I go for. I like it the most. I miss the one that I could put ice into though. A few deep breaths with that and I will get up and go change my clothes. From there, it’s either going for a run with the girls or just Kelsie, or I will go downstairs and get the evenings events going. Like dinner or whatever else there is. Lately, I don’t like eating as much as I would like. It’s a huge struggle because I don’t feel like eating. Not because I’ve got a problem with eating, I don’t, but, because I just don’t feel like it.

Not only that, the worst part of the whole thing is I will isolate myself. I will feel like the whole world is against me and I want someone to notice that I’m having hard time. I want someone to reach out and talk to me to make sure that all is well, and I won’t say a word to anyone. I will just naturally assume that all of my friend can read my mind and will instinctively know that I need them. But it never happens like that. And to be honest, it’s stopped bothering me as much as it used to. How did that happen, you may wonder, as I myself am shocked by the words that are being typed? I know that life has been hard on a lot of us, and I’m not the only one who is trying to outrun the darkness that is trying to creep in. Like the icy sinews of winter, creeping in all around you. We are all battling our own problems and I know that most of those close to me are busy in life. And it’s ok if they are busy and can’t read my mind. I have to keep in mind that I am the one who hasn’t text or called either. I am the one hiding too. Relationships only work if you put effort into them. It can’t be a one sided thing, both people have to consider your relationship a high enough priority to want to keep talking. And this is a really hard one for me.

I don’t have a lot of close friends, and the ones that are close, are close enough that they have become my sisters. There are now four women I would call my sister. Two of them know it. Two of them don’t. It’s all good. I love all of my sisters. But even with those that I love and call my sisters, to my sisters and my parents, I am having hard time staying in contact with them. I used to take a photo every time I ran and I would send it via Snapchat to all my friends. And then I started to think that not everyone really wanted to see my face that often.. usually daily. And from there it’s become a spiral of downward thoughts of why would anyone actually care what the fuck I did today or not. No one needs to know about me.. I’m going to hide. The real conundrum of the whole thing is that I desperately want someone to notice me. I want someone to reach out but I don’t have the ability to outright say, I need help because I’m having a hard time. And it’s not like there is any one thing that has set it off, it’s just that general feeling of why would anyone want to care about me.

That right there is the darkness that consumes me. Like the dripping of a faucet into a cup in the sink, not noticing the effect at first, until the cup is almost full and I can’t breathe. It’s a darkness that I have fought for some time. And while I could spend the rest of this though process going into detail of why I got like this, I think our time together today, dear reader, is better spent not going into that pit of despair.

The question then becomes for us all, how to get out of the grips of this feeling, how do we come to terms with our own selfishness and self-loathing? How do we find our light again? I don’t know. I have been living this rollercoaster for a while. There are good days and there are bad days and then there are days when you have to go number 3… For those such days, you should really take the day off. I try not to let my head get the best of me. I know that though I feel like it’s all against little ole me, it’s not really that way. the reality is that I am but one person. I will do the best I can and I can’t do it all. As I tell Brandy, my oldest sister, tacos fall apart all the time, and we still love them, followed by, you can’t make everyone happy, you’re not chocolate. It’s ok to fall down and it’s ok to not want to get back up. But somewhere in that dream place, between falling down and staying down, there is that glimmer of hope. There is still that light that shines that is our beacon. It pulls me through another day if I am struggling.

Love. That’s it. Love. Not the love that I have for my sisters. Not the love that I feel for my husband. The love that I have for my babies. There is so much that makes me want to end it, but, my babies are what pulls me through. Their love for me keeps me holding on. Because even though we may not see eye to eye on things and life and stuff and hair cuts and how to clean your room and fucking hell wipe the counters off already, they look to me for guidance. I know that I’m far from perfect, but, I want to do the best I can to teach them how to be ladies. How to open a door with smile, how to hold your fork at a fancy restaurant, and to say no and how to make them think it was their idea. I want to show them how to be assertive. I want them to know that they are super cool as they are right now, and getting through this last year was hard on all of us.

19MAY21

Interesting take on that last paragraph I think. In re-reading it, I feel like I might have mis-worded that. It’s not love per se. It’s about wanting to show them, and lead by example, that keeps me going. I want to be a good parent, and I want them to know that it’s ok to stumble and fall, and that’s ok, learn to make it part of the dance. Dancing is just a conversation with your feet. Life is but a dance, so, it’s going to be full up lifts that will amaze, and falls that make everyone hurt, but, the show must go on. And it will.

So, where am I now? I called and made an appointment with the VA to establish a primary care, and at that time to inquire about mental health services. I get to have lab work done next week prior to the appointment so I’m sure there will be lots to talk about. I have not run, and I have been not using good food judgement. There have been a few shakes and lots of bad for me food. Why? Well, the protein shake that I normally use has been discontinued and the new one is twice the last one was and I didn’t want to buy anymore. I have been enjoying more delicious Mexican food than I was a while ago. I haven’t run in a while because, well, I haven’t felt like it. It’s nice to wake up next to my husband and feel him next to me and sink back under the covers, listening to him breathe softly, he really doesn’t snore unless he’s sick, and letting that dark slumber wash over me again. It feels like a bit of heaven just lying there, together, with little Gotro in the next room and the dog at my feet. I couldn’t ask for a better morning.. and then work happens. And when I get home, I don’t feel like going out for a run. I just want to hide in my house, from most of the world. Perhaps hide is a bit strong of a word, how about, retreat from the world for a bit of solace and peace. Running takes a lot of focus for me, as I do like to think about form and solve all of my problems at the same time, and that’s sucked the energy out of me like crazy the last few runs. It won’t be like this forever, but, right now, that’s where I’m at.

Next Monday, training begins. It’s a couch to 26.2 miles program and I feel like I am really trying to go for the couch part of the program so I know that I have really exceeded my own expectations with this run. I know I can do it, will be lots of fun sweating in the Arizona heat training. Good thing I just got a new 3 liter water backpack. I’m stoked😁😁 3 Liters!!!! Can you imagine? That’s like having more than enough water, but, we shall see. The real test will be one of the trail runs I know are coming up in the summer for me and the dog. She wastes a lot of water which usually means not enough for me, but, this new bag could be a game changer!!

I know that I shouldn’t hope to lose weight while training for the marathon, but, I am hoping to do so. I have to really think about food choices. I love food so much, and now I’m fucking starving!! I don’t meal prep, but clearly that will need to become a thing that I do… Which means that it’s likely I won’t be able to eat a lot of cookies.. which means, I will have to eat some more today 😁 I made them on Monday, they are pretty fucking amazing!! Yay me 😎 I haven’t taken a Snapchat photo and sent it out in a while. I still wonder if they even look at what I send. I know some do, but, then anxiety tells me that they don’t care to see my face at all… and I honestly don’t know the answer to that question. I can only hope that they do.

Anyhow, I feel like this has been one long run on sentence and I really should go eat now. Beginnings are always hard, and with this new beginning on the horizon, marathon training that is, I will strive to hold myself accountable with it. With that, and other things as well. Still have a few things left to do tonight so I shall end it here. If you need help, make that call. It’s not the end, I promise, we can do this. Good night friends~😘

Pat’s Run

Many years ago, there was a dude who went to college at Arizona State and then played for the Arizona Cardinals. When the twin towers were hit, this man left football and joined the Army in hopes of being an Army Ranger. He was in for less two years before he was killed in action by friendly fire. He was Pat Tillman, number 42 on the Sun Devils and 40 for the Cardinals.

Since this is the17th year of this run, I can only surmise that they started doing this very shortly after he was killed. ASU officially retired his jersey number, 42, and now that’s the distance we run in his honor. I have done this one twice now, one two years ago and the other was today, done virtually, of course.

I thought about this man and hope that he was an honorable person in his lifetime. I didn’t watch much football and I don’t watch it now either, so I don’t know if he was a good player. He must have been, to be playing pro ball. Anyhow, we do this run all through the state. Different towns have the run, Tempe does it up into Sun Devil Stadium. I would love to do it one day in person. But it will be so hot!! Wow, I always forget how hot it is down there.

this was dinner last night, has nothing to do with what I’m talking about, but it has hearts 🙂

As a person who was in the military at the time of the attack on the United States, I knew life was going to change the moment we had the TV in our classroom turned on and the teacher just stood there, his eyes so wide in disbelief and shock. All of us, stared at the TV, mouths hanging open, scared, shocked, nervous. There is no coming back from this. This is war. Open fucking declaration of war against my country! Holy fucking shit!!!! Can this be real is all we could collectively say to one another after the watching the second plane hit and then the towers going down. The TV was turned off. We watched it live. We saw people jumping from the buildings before the towers fell. It was horrifying. Each of us in class had only been in a few months, but, even only being still wet behind the ears, we knew shit just got real. And there was no laughing or joking or playing for a while.

My mom said to me at the end of that week, you join the military, there is always that possibility of going to war. I said I know, but, I wasn’t expecting it this week. I hadn’t expected it at all in fact. I thought I was going to join and life would be rosy and wonderful. I am grateful for the time I was in the Navy. I wouldn’t change it for the world. It’s brought me to be right here, right now. Mr. Tillman however, he never made it to right here, right now. Killed in action.

Let those words sink in for just a moment. Killed. Not coming back from that one. No more holiday dinner with the in-laws, or snuggles from his wife, or a hug from his mom telling him how much she loved him and how proud of him she was. There is no seeing his kids grow up because he and his wife didn’t have kids before he died. There are no walks in the park with his wife, and there are is no happy ending to this story. He’s gone and he left a mark on a lot of the community around him. In Action. He was actively engaged in combat when he died. In a gun fire hailstorm from an M-16. If you consider that he was a pretty big dude, it wouldn’t be hard to think that it would take a few rounds to take him down, but, wow. How scary for the end time. I know that he was an atheist and at his funeral, they made mention of how he felt. I think I liked that part of the story the best. He was realistic and I can admire in him for that.

This morning was so pretty at the lake.. so still

I ran thinking of the sacrifice that those who served and died for us gave. The hopes and dreams never obtained, still hanging in the air. I think of the missed dinners, missed birthdays, missed hugs and I am reminded of those who I know who are gone now too. The ones that we served with and never made it home. I thought about the ones that are here still and how most of us have grown apart, but, we are never far from our hearts. It’s strange to see how life has taken our lives and given us so much, and at the same time, taken some so young. I was glad for the run today. And I’m glad it was a training run today. Helped to keep me much more focused on running than walking today.

I started to do my training runs again. I need to have some kind of routine and schedule, it keeps me going. Today I did my first training run in over a month. It was so nice to get out and push a little harder than usual to get it done. I was glad for the run. There was a 5 minute warm up and cool down and 4 ten minute runs with a one minute walk between them. And when I was done with the workout, I finished by just walking the rest of the way home. It was lovely. The morning sun was so bright and even now, as I sit under the window on the couch in the living room, I’m loving the feeling of the sunlight on my feet. Almost like a cat would be laying in the sunlight. I have taken my meds and will soon be heading upstairs to get working on small fry’s closet. But I feel good about the whole thing. I’m ready to go and get it done and then move on to my hats. I want to focus on that. I want to make it work. And I want to paint today. Somethings I haven’t done in so long. I feel like I need to. It’s the artist in me. I need to create something. I want to look at the beautiful colors and see the canvas come to life.. I have it all planned out too… I hope.

Anyhow, it’s time to get rolling… or taking another break and then breakfast and then get rolling… oh, I like that idea. Eggs it is for breakfast! Hooray!!! So, Mr. Pat Tillman, I thank you for your service. I am sorry for your family’s loss. I hope we may look at your example of love of country and follow in those same footsteps. For my fellow veterans, thank you for your service. It was an honor to serve by your side. ~

Deviating From the Route

In this Wednesday’s edition of Unfinished Thoughts, I talk about The Yolandi Dog. She sat in my lap today, striking poses from my camera as if she had been doing that her whole life… Funny girl.

September 19?, 2019

I first started running about 4 and half years ago. It seem strange to say that now, because I can’t really imagine not running or at least walking if I can’t run. I am so beyond grateful for that. Anyhow, I ran at first with only Vanessa. She was with me the first time I ran a full mile. And then three miles, and then five miles. I love this sport and it’s because of her. About a year after I started, we had a dog move in with us. I had reservations about it. It was shortly after we had gotten married, though we lived together for a long while before we got married. It was spring and windy. All the time windy. In September of that year, my husband suggested I started to run with the dog. I didn’t like the idea. She was still a puppy and full of energy and hard to control, how would I manage to keep her on track all the time? I fought it and I hated it at first. And then I started to find that if I didn’t hold her and I used a belt to put something around myself and strap the leash to the belt, I would be alright.

We have logged many miles, the dog and I. In a few weeks, we start training for a marathon. It has me a bit nervous, but, I think I will be alright. I least I hope so. As of right now, I have three races between now and then, with a possibility of three. The first one being this weekend. I’m not trying to win or anything like that, I am going to run with my sister and my dad and I think it’s going to be a blast.

About a year and some change ago, I noticed that the dog was not doing as well as she had been. She seemed like she wasn’t interested in running at all. I was besides myself thinking that there was something wrong with my dog. I hated to admit it, but I was in love with my best friend, The Yolandi Dog, that I had found who loved to run as much if not more than I did.

April 21, 2021

I want to address what I was talking about here. She was not running. She didn’t want to go out and if she did, it was only around the block and not very energetic at all. I thought something was really wrong with her. And then, magically, one of the ladies in my running group said her dog was doing the same thing and what could it be. Turns out, dogs, just like people, get bored with the route you take. It’s the same thing over and over again, day after day, with little to no variation. Change the route you take. Go backwards, take a different trail, do something different to change things up a bit. (facepalm here) Dammit. Why didn’t I think of that? I was grateful for the advice and we started to do things a bit different. And sure enough, she started to act like she wanted to go for a run again. Hooray!!

I think it’s funny, reading this now, how I am about 4 weeks from marathon training and I have a race this weekend, virtual of course, and I’m looking forward to it. I have much going on this weekend; giving a massage, cleaning one spot of the house, Piper’s closet, and trying to relax a bit. Oh, and like an asshole, I told my mom I was going to come over this weekend, and I didn’t, but, I really need to go see her. I asked for her help and then I flaked. Typical. I feel very overwhelmed a lot more than I can say and I feel very overwhelmed at work, and that spills into personal life because I’m so exhausted that I just can’t seem to find the desire to get my ass in gear. I want to zone out and tune out and I feel a lot of pressure to get things done. From whom? From myself.

I want to think that I can do anything. That I take care of myself and that I am doing the best I can at work, that I can be that superwoman. I put so much pressure on myself to be the perfect me, that I don’t give myself permission to be the best me I can, and let that shit go. I have the burning desire to be perfect, and I am far from that. I know that I am far from that, and I still feel like I should be perfect. UGH!! I know! Let it go Julie.

Meanwhile, back at the bat cave, The Yolandi Dog and I still vary the route because we need to. It’s not fun when you get stuck in a rut and only take the same boring route day in and day out. There needs to be some change to it. Last night, Kelsie and I took the dog on the highway run. It’s not my most favorite due to the sidewalk being fucked up. It’s like an acid wash on concrete, the stones in the mix are exposed and crumbling and hard on my feet. It was nice to change it up a little and deviate from the chosen route.

This morning, I had it all planned out. I had my clothes laid out and I was ready to go. And then I just didn’t want to go. Shocking right? I put on my bathrobe and went downstairs, and waited for the coffee to finish brewing. It wasn’t 5:30 yet, but nearly, so I sat down on the couch. Now, right now, the living room is very sparse. We have furniture for it, but, we ordered new bedroom furniture and so, since there is a lot of room with so much less in the living room, we are going to wait until the bedroom set gets here. The couch, which is two pieces of a modular couch, a corner and a middle piece, sit under the window which faces the eastern sunrise. I love that spot, in the back of the corner piece and watch the sun come up. Once the coffee was ready, I poured myself a cup and went back to that spot. It was a lovely morning. And then, the dog came down and jumped into my lap. And then I took photos of my beautiful girl. She’s such a pretty thing. Love that shit head so much! The black and white photos really look stunning if you ask me. She’s so funny, as if to pose for the photos. Kids. 🙂

I sat there a bit longer and my husband comes downstairs to get coffee. I looked outside and noticed the wind was already shaking the fir tree next to the front window. It had already started. Yuck! The wind around here can top 60 mph gusts and it makes the whole place sound like the roof will come off the house… at least it does at work. According to the late, great Alex Trebek, Springerville is the windiest city in the country, and if he said it was, it’s the truth. I live less than an hour from there, and let me tell you, the wind here fucking sucks!! There is no nice way to put it. My hair stays up for so much of the year due to the elements of the this place, no one really sees how long it has gotten. In the summer it’s in a bun, because it’s the easiest way to where it. In the winter, it gets pretty static ridden. So it goes up, again. The wind season around here will see my hair stuck in the car door if it’s down or rolled up in the window. That’s not cool. The wind again. It’s here for so much of the year, and it’s all people talk about at work with customers, is the wind. That’s like bitching about snow when you live in the mountains and it’s winter time. It happens every year. Wow. And with wind like that, there is no run.

I din’t use cruise control the whole way home due to the wind. The widows were all closed in the bedroom when I got back upstairs and you could hear the wind, howling. Today I was ok with it. No restlessness to speak of, which was nice. I longed to be home, in my room, not listening to anything except for the wind as it moves through the trees. I take comfort in it on days like today. Though the weather suggests that the wind has died down today, it’s still blowing at 19 mph. Ugh! I had really wanted to get some in this afternoon.

I am hoping for some good sleep tonight. And I hope for some good sleep, or sunshine for you too, dear reader. Time for some food and some sleep. Good night friends.. Peace~

Sometimes, Mornings Suck

Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat! Again? (Bullwinkle reaches into his top hat and pulls out the head of a lion. He roars at him. Quickly, Bullwinkle puts him back into the hat.) Rocky and Bullwinkle were so cool. They made the mornings of my childhood seem like the world was always going to be fun times with my friends. Sadly, friendships don’t always last that long. This week, I am going back about 2.5 years to talk about some of the social anxiety I was going through. I had good intentions with this one… hold on to your seats, it’s a doozie.

October 3, 2019

Yesterday was my daughter’s birthday. She wanted to go to breakfast with me, and go ride go carts. So that’s exactly what we did. We went to breakfast together, I had an omelette and she did a skillet with no eggs. I had chocolate milk, because, well, I ran yesterday morning so why not, and she ordered coffee and had like 4 sips of it. I felt that was coffee abuse, to not have it, but, she likes her coffee a lot sweeter than I do and that’s saying something. We had some dinner together and ended the night by going to the movies to see Abominable. Super awesome movie! Loved every bit of it.

This morning, despite having the makings of what could have been a great long run and then a good soak in the bath tub turned into something that turned into a sort of a disaster. I didn’t get out of bed to go run like I should have when my husband woke me up to go run at 4 am. I lounged in bed, checking social media around 7 or so when I decided to open my eyes and move around. But it wasn’t until 8.30 when I got out of bed. I had dedided that wanted to get some things done this mroning so I could go do other things this afternoon. But then I got distracted and I ended up going into a sort of a meltdown over things I have no control over. I was losing it and the harder that I tried to pull myself out of the swamps of sadness, the more I was starting to go into the dreaded anxiety attack. The overwhelming thoughts of not being what I can be, not being good enough, or doing enough for others, or making the most of career, or whatever else my mind could come up with, the hardest resting on how I view myself in the world of my three friends. I don’t trust easily and I have a hard time with having close friends, so when I feel dejected in any way in my own mind, I start to go through the worst kinds of pain.

I was starting to nit pick at my daughter whose room is a constant battle for us, and in knowing that I wanted to go sideways on her for the state of the room, I asked her to take care of some things. In seeing that I was having a hard time she looks at me and pats the bed next to her in a motion for me to come sit and down and talk. And in not wanting to lose my shit in that instant, I sat down. She, in her sweet young girl kind of way asked what’s wrong. So I told her. I told her that I sometimes feel shut out of lives in such a way that it makes me so sad. And not from the ones that I am friends with now, like, what about the ones I went to school with who seem to have the time and effort and energy to see each other, but I wasn’t worth keeping that connection with. And I hate the argument that maybe they couldn’t find me.. Nonsense, Facebook does wonders in finding people to reconnect with old friends. It’s not hard to find me. I tell her that I feel like I keep trying to keep the house clean and it will never be good enough and I can’t seem to make it stop and no one will help me and I can’t do it all and on and on……. Until I stopped and looked at her and smiled. She was so sweet. I said to her, you didn’t know that I have those thoughts too did you? She was shocked to hear that I have the same doubts in myself that she does and I still manage to keep my shit together. Not very well all of the time. She then looks at me and asked if I have taken any of my medication lately. No. Not any of it. Shit!

Fucking gray days!!! It was a Tuesday, I have no doubt

I thanked her for reminding me that I have to continue to take care of myself so I can keep moving forward. I walked into my room and closed the door and grabbed the water pipe and took a long inhale. Coughing and wheezing always goes with that first hit for me. I sound like a kid who has never smoked pot before. I am teased for this one a lot. I finish taking my break and made sure to wash my face and hands, light some incense, and take a deep breath. And just like that, I could feel myself relaxing. A second deep breath and as I exhale, I realize I stress over way too much. I need to just relax.

My run after eating a good lunch was a trail run. Obviously, it would be at least 2 hours after eating before we go out. In the heat of the mid afternoon because that’s how I roll. Lots of sunshine for my legs and some good time to myself to relax more……..

April 14, 2021

Holy Shit!! How could I leave it hanging like that? What the hell ?!

As I am sure you can guess, dear reader, I am as shocked as I am sure you are too that I left in the middle of the run down of the run. I felt like I was a hero in my own story about to take on the world and love it and be heroic and the day ends with great sex and there was nothing!!! My head is still spinning..

After going through the photo roll, it seems the day won out after all. No photos of a trail run or a selfie to commemorate the afternoon. I didn’t run until the following day, the 4th. That’s too bad. I almost feel bad for the past self, but, I won’t worry about that anymore. Hopefully, it was just a Tuesday that I got through and was glad for the day with little goose.

Yesterday, I came home with the notion to write, but, as the evening wore on, I wanted to sleep more than I wanted to do anything else. I had been restless the night before and wanted to get some good hours of sleep in me to be able to start the day anew. I got my stuff ready to run for the next morning. That was all I had gotten ready for the next day. Let me back up a little bit.

This past weekend, the wind was blowing pretty hard. For many years, I had a problem with windy days. They made me restless and listless and feeling all sorts of out of sorts. I have since learned that it’s not a bad thing to have that feeling. In the book about Feng Shui that I was given many years ago, she said that there are changes that are seen and unseen. The unseen changes come on the winds, and we can feel it when it does. I felt that on Sunday evening. And that makes me very uncomfortable. The reason is unclear in my mind, but, for the most part, I understand it to mean that I am resisting the change and need to relax into and all will be well. Everything has always worked out for the best. So on Monday, I went out of my way to get up on time and go for my walk with the dog and have things ready to go. And then Tuesday hit. And not only was it Tuesday on the calendar, it was a Tuesday for me as well. (When my little sister and I left for boot camp in the spring of 2001, we both left on a Tuesday, therefore having a Tuesday means that you are having a hard day and need to cry or scream. It also enables us to realize that there are days that we have to accept and deal with no matter what and sometimes feelings and mornings just suck!).

I got up about the same time that I have been getting up at, got myself out the door for a short run, took a shower, got to work. All the while thinking that it just felt off. I wasn’t happy after my run and the selfie that I took, all I could see was a woman who looked old and tired. That’s a hard one for me. I don’t feel old, just mostly tired. Work wasn’t any better. Anxiety was kicking my ass all day and I had to remember to breathe and focus on the task at hand. I had a hard time with it. I managed to get through the day. Didn’t really want to do anything else. I was glad to go home. Once home, my husband had gotten his second vaccine shot and was in bed napping for the last 3-5 hours. I ate a meager meal of a banana with milk for dinner, I wasn’t really hungry and went to bed. It wasn’t the best day ever, and with work, sometimes I can get overwhelmed. Yesterday was a good example of it.

When the time came to write last night, I knew that I wanted to write, but, I just didn’t have it in me to do so. So, with a bit of understanding that I have learned to give myself, I’m certainly not perfect, I am writing tonight.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about the hats that I want to create and mass produce and sell. I am very excited for what I am working on with it. I love hats and it seemed like something needed to be fixed with the ones that I like to wear. I like hats because the keep me warm. They keep my ears warm. This weekend I am going to be working on it some more. I will share more once I have them ready for sale.. And yes, I will be selling them for a profit and work on having an entire fashion line.. Who knew that would be a dream of mine one day… My mom is going to love that!

I haven’t really got a plan for training in the works yet. I know that there is less than 6 months for me to really get prepped for my Boston Marathon Run… I’m stoked about it!! I feel that in the next 3-4 years, I will be serious about having a BQ time to be able to run there, in Boston as a marathoner. I have to say it’s the ultimate dream for me.. Followed by IronMan. I don’t know how I feel about a 2 mile ocean swim. I have to be honest, that scares the shit out of me. For more reasons than I have reason for. (It stemmed for a birthday party I went to when I was about 6 or so. We stayed up late watching the first two Jaws movies. And we told horrible ghost stories about a lady who always wore a big green lace ribbon around her neck because it was keeping her head on. When my parents picked me up the next day, I was greeted and then told of the great news that we are going to the lake that day. I was petrified. I had this irrational fear of a Great White Shark at the bottom of the pool.. It still scares me today.. Why did I join the Navy then? I missed my sister. And I feel like if the ship went down, I would be taken out with it, and wouldn’t have to worry about sharks.. I hoped. It turned out that I would be the boat engineer and would have my own ride if that happened. Yay me. I am also a second class swimmer. Also, Yay me.) I have to get over this fear to do that race. I’m not there yet.

As for the changes, how do I deal with that now? I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. The changes could be good, so I took a good deep breathe and got lots of rest and tried again today. My husband was still pretty tore up and stayed home. I didn’t run or go for a walk this morning. I made coffee and sat down and watched the sun from my front living room while reading the news. I took a little too much time doing so, but, I made it to work, got the things done that I needed to get done, talked with my customers and had a mostly good day. I applied for a job at a new company, getting to use the best cover letter ever. Well, I think it’s the best ever. I’m tired of being ordinary, so I went with bold this time. Short of saying I’m fucking badass, give me a shot, I think it warrants at least a call back. Who knows what the change will be. I always have high hopes. Dreams of reaching the stars. It could also be that my furniture isn’t going to get to me until the end of May, instead of the beginning.. Dammit…

Anyhow, good night my friends. Hope your dreams are peaceful~

Sundaes for Breakfast

For today’s edition of revisiting old thoughts and finishing them, we will look at that one time, when protesters took over the capital building. And then thoughts on it now. I had strong feelings the day after it happened, which is when this was written. I still have strong feeling on it. The goal on revisiting old thoughts is to get one finished once a week. I have 11, including this one. Only ten more weeks to go and then more random thoughts about running and the occasional interludes about politics. and other ramblings.. which are thoughts that I tend to have while running in the morning. So, it works. Anyhow, there were only two corrections to the first part of this blog, both just needed better words due to too many redundancies. It is a bit scattered in the latter part. My mind is racing these days, I need a break 🙂

January 7, 2021

I was impressed with myself this morning for managing to get out of the house and go run. My head was not in the right space and it was most wonderful. I should have left the house a lot sooner than I did and as it would happen, I really needed that full 30 minutes to really get the endorphins going. And, as a result, my mood for the better part of the day was less than stellar. I feel like I should be taking my medicine before I get to work, and instead, it’s sat in my purse all day, and I have only just taken them since getting home today.

As I sit here, I can feel the effects of my meds kicking in and my brain tingles a bit and I can feel myself breathing a little easier. My body isn’t as tense and I’m relaxing into the keyboard as I get ready to get myself a nice bowl of chocolate ice cream. Tillamook Chocolate Mudslide.. if there is any left that is. And my bowl of which I speak, is no bigger than a small 4 ounce bowl, and I really don’t eat a lot of it. It’s too sweet for me. But it’s so rich and delicious, and I don’t eat it very often, I think after the last 36 hours or so, I deserve to take a deep breathe and try to relax. After all, shit really hit the fan yesterday and I can’t stay silent on this one. BRB…..

This is really from tonight… It sounded so good…

Lots of new things for me this week. I bought makeup and I actually like it a lot. I don’t feel like I have makeup on at all, so shout out to IL MAKIAGE for a fine product. I really like the concealer and eyeliner as well. And, the best part about their make-up was I wear a mask all day, every day, and I haven’t had any makeup wear off onto the mask. What IS this magic 🙂 Another first this week was I started to curl my hair before I go to work again. Why am I doing all of this fun getting made up kind of thing? Well, every few years I go through spurts where I want to look nice when I go to work, and so I will get up early and put effort into how I look when I get there. It makes me feel better about myself. I hate the time it takes because I don’t like giving up on my time to anything, so it’s a big deal for me to make an effort to be punctual. Yay me. Although, when I got work on Tuesday, my computer monitor died and I had to use a different one, therefore, I had to have my time adjusted because of the equipment and not because of me. Again, ya me. On Wednesday I got to watch in horror as domestic terrorists stormed the capital building. And what a fucking shit show that was. My stomach still hurts and I can feel my chest tighten as I think of it again. I am going to fast forward a bit to this evening, just before walking downstairs for dinner. I asked my husband did we have any protests in the 80’s that lead to the death of a police officer in the United States. We couldn’t think of any, but, let me take a look… and all the ones that I could find, there could have been more, weren’t on US soil. It was in the 1990’s that this started to happen.

Now, if you think back to the 90’s, I keep thinking it was like, 10 years ago, and it’s a lot more than that in reality. What can I say, I am child of that decade. I remember things happening and not really understanding the gravity of what it was until many years later. In 1993, there was bomb set off in the parking garage of the one of the Twin Towers. I can remember watching Peter Jennings as his calm deep voice would give me the news of the day, I had such a crush on him, who wouldn’t though? I can see the images in my head still of people coming out the building covered in concrete ash. They were coughing and it was a nasty site. I didn’t realize at the time that it was a terrorist attack. I knew what it was, but, at my age, I wasn’t old enough to really grasp the somberness of the situation. And then more things started to happen. More run ins with bombings in building and out in public. The federal building in Oklahoma was blown up in 1995. I was a few years older and I could see how bad this was. The very next year, there was a bombing at the Olympics in Atlanta. Thinking about it now, still makes tears start to well up in my eyes. And then we got to have a serial bomber send people packages that blew up and he did that for the better part of two decades. I could actually go on for a while about all the times since the 90’s that I have seen headlines about people dying in the country in mass shootings, protests, movie theaters, concerts, and our most vulnerable, schools. And while that would be a lovely dive into my thoughts on what we can do to do better, that’s not what I wanted to focus on.

My country has seen it’s fair share of radicals trying to destroy us from the outside. When the towers fell, I was 21, almost 22. I was in the United States Navy, I was in school, learning about lube oil purifiers. I knew in that instant, life was going to change. I had no way of knowing what was to come for me, but, I knew that being in the military, life as I knew it, in the blink of an eye, changed forever. This was the most earth shattering thing for me. That was scary, and I’m grateful I had sister there with me. No, I want to focus on the ones that came from within. The ones who say how much they love America.

Now, back to yesterday… that sounds funny doesn’t it 🙂 … I had no idea that there was anything going on recently. For whatever reason, I haven’t seen a lot of things on social media lately, so I was a bit late to the game about it. My boss was the one who told me about anything going on. It was when he came back from lunch and walked over to my desk and let me know that the capital building had been broken into. I was shocked. And since it was my early day, as I was trying to leave for the day, I was given the opportunity to talk to a woman for a good long while. I think she’s pretty awesome. And then she told me that she thought that this election was completely rigged and 45 won and there just couldn’t be any way that he would have lost. She had two grandkids who were there, she seemed jealous of them. My heart sank. I have a hard time with that one. So, I leave and put on Pandora, the 80’s alternative station. I was totally jamming out and loving it. Got home, and was glad to be there. Walked myself on up the stairs and Thomas has the news on live from a station out of L.A. They were showing photos of the destruction and videos of people wandering around as the bottom of the screen had a thing saying a 6pm curfew is in effect in Washington D.C. Odd. And then they started showing the videos of earlier in the day. The members of Congress and the Senate being taken out of the building through different staircases. Evacuated from their place of work and ordered to shelter in place. Almost like school children are rushed out of a building when there is an active shooter.. Fun Fact.. Most kids in this country have had Active Shooter drills at their schools because you never know when there is going to be a kid with their parent’s semi-automatic weapon that wasn’t locked up decide to take out their frustrations on their fellow students because life is hard and fuck this place, I’m taking everyone down with me manifesto kind of people. I hope during the next year or two, they will give some serious thought to changing the laws regarding guns. Maybe now that they know what it feels like to have that fear run through your veins, they can be empathic to the kids that have to do that drill to help them not get killed when it does happen… I digress… where was I?….. Watching the news reels of the events of the day. I stood there, still as can be, my hands pressed to my lips, eyes wide in shock, tears running down my face. I felt sucker punched, right to the gut. And then it felt like I was getting kicked in the gut over and over again. Wow.

Shock and disbelief is the best way to describe the emotions that I felt in the moment. My head was swirling and in a mess. Today, I tried to go run and it didn’t work. I posted my feelings on my social media, Instagram and one of my running groups. And then I got ready for work. My heart was heavy and I had a lot to say. I cried durning my run this morning. I let the tears flow as best as I could. I let them go some more today at lunch when I got a message that my post was removed from the running group. I knew I took a chance by putting my feelings into words. I was grateful for the kindness of the admin person who was super awesome. I never got to see the reaction to it, but, it could have been bad. I suspect that it was bad enough. I felt personally attacked, but, I didn’t have to actually read what others may or may not have said. It’s all just a gamble to me. And it could have been taken down before much was noticed. Who knows. I don’t right now. I’m ok with that, really. I have a hard time with online attacks, it’s not my best platform for trying to do debates. I would much rather get together with someone and talk to them in person, over a phone call, or whatever. I’m just not an internet arguing kind of person.

Anyhow, the point I was trying to make, very slowly, was that all of these things have hurt us. We have all felt the pain of an attack on our country. I would say many of us, but, then I realize not everyone is old enough to remember what it was like when the Federal building went down. It was more that the attacks had come from one of our own, one of our citizens, who was so upset with the way things were going, they decided they needed to make some changes. It’s like being stabbed in the back. We were unsuspecting fools to think it wouldn’t happen to us, but it did.

Yesterday was a far worse attack. Why do I say this? How can I compare this to Oklahoma? It’s nothing like that, and you’re right, to an extent, but let me continue. Yesterday, I got to see people who claim to be patriots of our country, the ones who say protesting and kneeling at a football game, silently, during the National Anthem, is disrespectful of the military, break through the doors of the very building that represents the law making part of our country and disrespect every military personnel, every veteran who ever put on that uniform, all of them, living and deceased. I saw the ones who claim that they are god fearing good christians act like shameful thugs and shit all over everything the military stands for. We took an oath of office to protect this country from all terrorist, foreign AND DOMESTIC. And what I saw yesterday was exactly that. They brought a confederate flag into that building, a flag from a group of people who LOST THE FUCKING WAR, into our most scared of places.

And those officers, wow. They didn’t seem to be prepared for any of this. Golly… When the protest for the Black Lives Matter was going on, the National Guard was called out and used lots of different way to subdue the crowd, including, but not limited to tear gas, and rubber bullets. People died in those riots. And the protests were over the disproportionate deaths of black men by the police. What’s really going to wet your noodle is know that if this was a group of black men, they would have been shot, a lot of them, brute force would have been used, and it wouldn’t have been the escorting out the building with no one in cuffs that was seen yesterday. Why was it so different? These people who took the building this week were white. You got it. A bunch of white people, who were incited by the president of this country to take back the vote, fight if you need, don’t give up without a fight, trial by combat, blah blah blah.

You know what this feels like to me. Well, first, work wasn’t as fun as I would have liked, given the day. I was relieved that none of my customers wanted to talk about today. And if they did, they didn’t say anything to me about it. At lunch, when I got the message from the admin lady, I was heartbroken. The place that I feel the safest to post about how I feel in life and getting though life, and it was taken down. I get it. But, I felt like a little kid getting in trouble for taking a chance and doing something that you might get in trouble for, but you might not. Today was a not. I was devastated, but, I was able to cry a bit more and that felt so much better. I got to talk to another cool person that I work with, and he was fun to talk to. Got back from lunch and felt better. I was still uptight, and I just put on my happy face and kept trying. On my way to and from work today, I changed the station on Pandora to U2 station and it was like it knew I needed that. They could read my mind. On the way home, it played The Rolling Stones, You Can’t Always Get What You Want, and then I started to think about the movie Hedwig and the Angry Inch the part where he’s talking about an essay he did for college, entitled, You, Cunt, Always Get What You Want. I giggled at thinking about that line. Always made me laugh. The last song on the way home with Pink Floyd’s Hey You, from The Wall. Now it’s one of my favorite albums, The Wall. I was given it the first time as a gift from my sister Colleen. She wrapped it in Starbucks napkins, and duct tape. Best gift! I listened to it for year. Today, while thinking on the lyrics, the closing lines of the song are, Together we stand, divided we fall. How true they are.

April 6, 2021

It’s been 4 months since the attack on the capital and there has been a lot that has happened. Including, but not limited to, a birthday present for Kelsie, already arrived, Hanna had her baby, Kim had her baby, My little friend is 8 months old.. He’s so sweet and cute and tiny. I set out to finish the David Goggins 4x4x48 challenge in March and completed it!! I’m actually wearing the shirt right now, but, it’s dinner time right now, BRB…. So I get downstairs and Thomas asks what I’m doing. I said you told me dinner would be ready in 15 minutes, so I’m down here. He smile and says, 5 minutes Turkish… I brought the computer downstairs instead 🙂

Other notable things that have happened since that day 4 months ago, another officer was killed at the capital buildings this week. Had a car drove into him. I swear this place resembles a battlefield more and more to my mind. I am heartbroken over the politics of it, of which I don’t even want to go into. Instead, let’s talk about the coolest thing to happen this year is that the Boston Marathon opened up for a virtual race in October for the marathon. It is only open for 70,000 people and wouldn’t you know it, I fucking signed up!!! Hells yes, I’m excited. I don’t think that at this point in my life I am going to qualify with the time. Not to say that I won’t do that, but, that’s not a priority right now. Once it’s something I set my mind to doing, I am going to bust my ass to get there and dammit, I will make it on my own merit, but, that’s not right now. I am so over the moon about it. I haven’t talked about it on social media much about it, but, I am now. I am going to run the Boston Marathon this year, on my birthday. I won’t get the medal as soon as I cross the line, but, I will getting it done.

I am thinking more and more about the route I want to take when it comes to this. I live at 6800 feet above sea level and am trying to figure out what do I want to do. I will have to plan this out, train, work hard over the summer and make it happen. I am not a huge fan of running in the summer. I tend to whine about it a lot more than I should. I can still run, and for that I’m very grateful. I have done a walk with the dog yesterday and today. I need to get myself up earlier so I can actually get a good run in daily. I love how good I feel after I finish running. I think this means that there is going to be a big change in the way that I eat. I have no choice in that. I need to treat myself more like an athlete. Feed it better food. Take care of it more.

I have been getting a little more sleep in the last week or two or three. I have found that I love getting 8 hours of sleep at night. It feels amazing. I would love to get to bed earlier so I can get 8 hours and get up and go run 6 miles. That would mean going to bed a lot earlier… And then I wonder what if I went after dinner? Wait about 2 hours and then go run. That way I could come home and stretch and shower and go to sleep.. But the dog wakes me up in the morning, so, that doesn’t work either. Who knows, I will figure it out. I will just have to find a career in writing and running and making a better hat for women runners.

So, that’s where I am now. Training for Boston. I also signed up for the Pat Tillman run that I will also do as a virtual race. I am looking forward to doing in person running races again. Dinner is ready now… BRB

Oh that was delicious. Grilled chicken and peppers and baby potatoes. No, I couldn’t eat it all. It was so good. After dinner, Thomas asked me to grab something from the gas station so I went. I walked up and down the candy, giggling to myself thinking, yeah, some athlete. I settled for a mango apple bar called That’s It. It just has an apple and a mango. I left them in the car for tomorrow. They will make for a great breakfast. I feel like being able to take on this marathon is big deal and it’s going to be won with the everyday battles I have with food and working out and taking proper care of myself. I will have to change the way I think about food altogether I think. Who knows. Maybe I will have more on this next week. Maybe I will make more sense next. Or, better yet, I will eat a bowl of ice cream and savor the rich chocolate flavors and smile at my day, give thanks for the wonder and beauty of my life, and go to bed happy. Again, who knows. Peace ~