The last 10 days have been very blurry for me. Monday of last week, my father passed away. Peacefully, in his sleep in his chair in the front room at his home. I saw him just the week before. I had asked him if he could watch Silas for the afternoon. I gave him a big hug and said I love you before I left. And that was the last time I talked to him.
I live close to my parents. 1.2 miles.. I know, I’ve tracked it. I’ve run to their house on a number of occasions, I’ve run home from their house the long way at night many times. I haven’t been great about talking to them all the time. My little sister on the other hand, talks with them, or talked with them, daily. Of course she does. She’s on deployment. I completely understand that. I did the same, as much as I could. Though the last two of mine I was married and called him more than my parents. I had them on my Garmin Connect so they would see me running or if something happened, they could track me. There were many days I would get a text message from him while I was running telling me great job. He was so supportive of me running. We even did a few local races together.
My parents were married for more than 47 years. I only remember because I was born about 18 months after they were married. When my mom called and said I need you to come home, I knew it. In my heart of hearts, I knew this was what it was. When I got there, I had to park at the neighbors house because damn near the entire fire department was in the road at their house. I ran in, threw my keys on the bench and said, “What the fuck happened?!” Much to my surprise, everyone turns to look at me and Greg, one of the firemen he , my dad, worked with for years, walked up to me to tell me, He didn’t make it.
I can honestly say that nothing has ever prepared me for those words. I have thought about death a lot and mentally, I have never gone there with my parents. I love my mom and dad. My dad was my hero. In my mind, he ranks up there with the other heroes of my childhood; Indiana Jones and Joe Montana. He was such a San Francisco fan, for both football and baseball. I was told that the hardest part is saying goodbye while they are lying in the mortuary, but truth be told, it wasn’t that way for me. The worst part was watching my mom cut a lock of his hair, take his ring off, and say goodbye. I can still see that part so clearly in my head. It’s such a gut punch that it still takes my breath away thinking about it. I hope one day that will subside.
The rest of the day was pretty blurry. My mom and I were put into a fire truck and the entire Pinetop Fire Department, half of the police department, and a few others who were with us did a funeral procession to the mortuary. I was told it was something to see, my dad was such a big part of the community. He was the Fire Marshall; Fire Investigator for the last years that he worked with the station. So many people knew him. Thomas got to the house around 11 that morning, and he was with me while we got to say goodbye. It was the most surreal feeling. I know he’s gone, but I didn’t want to believe it. I still don’t. I just want him to come home.
This is going to be the first Thanksgiving without him. The first of a lot of things in my life without him I guess. My little sister and her family are here still and having Thanksgiving with my mom. My mom asked me if I would ask Piper to please come live with her for a while, so Piper flew in on Friday and came up with my uncle. She will move in over the weekend. I’m so glad she’s home. I have missed her terribly. I wish she didn’t come home due to this. But she’s here now and that makes my heart happy. I know my parents house has been a revolving door for so many people coming in and out, wanting to help in any way. I’m glad there is a lot of support from so many right now.
My heart hurts most for my mom. She is the one who just lost her partner, her best friend, her companion, her love. They started dating 55 years ago, when they were 14. She says that they met in church and stated dating at that age. The story that I know goes something like he dumped her after a month for ‘big nose Becky’. They graduated the same year and went their own ways. They both had a daughter and had gotten married. It didn’t work for either of those marriages, practice marriages, and eventually they found their ways back to church in Tempe, where they first met. He asked her if she would babysit so he could go out, since she had a daughter the same age as his daughter. Life progressed, they got married, they had me and Alexia. I grew up seeing my dad as a hero who could do no wrong, and it seems that’s the general consensus of my sisters as well, and now, how am I supposed to go on in a world without him? How is she supposed to go on without him?
Obviously, life will go on. Divorce has shown all of us that even after the worst things happen, life continues. Reba’s “For My Broken Heart” really hits. The world isn’t going to stop turning for my broken heart. It’s a hard reality that I have to face, and one that my sisters and mom have to face as well.
He was a really cool dude. I used to describe him to people as this cute little blonde dude running around. His pants always looked way too big for him, but he had a great smile. And he always had a smile on his face and he could tell the best blonde jokes. Alexia looks a lot like him, whereas I look more like my mom. She got the same color hair as him as well. Anytime I ever needed him in my life, he’s always been there for me. Whether it’s when I asked him to come to Louisiana and pick me up and take me and Piper home, or can you watch Silas, or Piper when she was little? What is the square footage of an acre? And I can’t talk to him anymore. I don’t like being in this club.
My face has been salt crusted for a while now. I took my contacts out that day and knew I wasn’t going to wear them for a while. I can’t when I’ve been crying, and thus far, I’ve cried daily. I don’t know when I will stop crying every day, but, until those days come, I have to wear my glasses. Only time I will wear them is to run. I can handle it for that hour and some change. But only just. The first day back to work I felt like my head was spinning all day. The following day wasn’t much better, but, I didn’t cry at my desk. The third day I kind of zoned out. I have the next three days following Thanksgiving off, so I am hoping that come December, I can focus a little more. I’m not going to hold my breath though. Crystal came up on Monday evening, Brandy was there Wednesday, Alexia on Thursday, and Piper home on Friday. Brandy has gone home, Crystal has gone home for a while, but will be coming back up next week sometime. Alexia will be leaving sometime next week as well, but, I don’t know.
The first night, I slept in my room at my parents house. Second night as well. I couldn’t sleep. I’m still not sleeping well, but it was strange to wake up in my room. It still has the same colors on the walls, but, I was sleeping at an angle I had never slept before, so I had a very different perspective that morning. Everything felt so surreal, like a dream. I took the van on Wednesday with mom and Brandy and Crystal and as I was driving, I was thinking, I never got to do this with him. I never got to take him on a ride in the van. UGH! I feel so much guilt for not doing more with him, or being over there more often than what I was. I have been over there daily since then save one?? Two? I feel like my world has been crushed. I walk around in a half daze going through life.
Few days later ~
I’m still going over this all in my head and I can’t get it out of head. We have shared many photos from days gone by, I would like to state that I wasn’t always this cool, clearly, as evidence would suggest. I have pulled my box of photos out from under the bed a few times now, and I haven’t been able to open it yet. I want to. I have spent far too much time in the daytime looking at the photos I have on my phone. I will eventually, but I don’t know when I will.
I slept for the first time in two weeks last night. So much so that I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning. It was strange to feel like that. I know that I haven’t slept. I was reading something today that suggested I need to loosen up. Not in like a I’m bunged up kind of way, but more like I have been clenching my jaws so hard that I can feel the skin on my head tightening. I have been wearing my shoulders like earrings, and to be honest, I hadn’t noticed. I can feel all of the muscles in my body so very tense, and I don’t know about them being able to relax for a while. I have asked for a foot rub and that has yet I have been not able to really allow anyone to touch me right now. There have been many hugs with many people and those are amazing, but, I’m not a person who likes someone up in my bubble.
I want to run. Everything in me wants to run for miles and miles. Do miles to honor my dad, and yet, I feel stuck right now. Piper said I am depressed and I said, well, yeah, I’m pretty sad right now. I lost my hero in my life and I don’t want to have to deal with living in a world where he is no longer in. I just never thought he would die. Honestly. Somehow I thought my parents were going to live forever. And I know that we all die, it’s not that, it’s that I’m sad that I can’t talk to him right now. I can’t just pop over to their house and see how he’s doing. Or see what cool project he’s working on in his shop. I can’t go over and cut his mustache for him. And right now, he’s no longer in a solid form, he’s ashes in a box. Fuck, I hate this so fucking much!!
My husband asked if I was mad. I’m not mad. I don’t see a point in being mad at someone who is dead. Like what good does that do. I’m very sad about it. I’m so torn up that driving home from work all I can think about is him. I know that I’ll see him in my dreams sometime, but I haven’t yet. I know that he’s ok, and that he’s watching over us now… I wonder if the soul can be in many places at once… Kind of like astral projection, can I be here with them, and yet with the rest of the group as well? I don’t know, guess I will have to wait and find out. 🧐🧐
If you have stayed with me this long, dear reader, I do appreciate it. This the first person this close to me that I have lost so I am sure that I will have lots of thoughts on it, and will run and write about it. I will have to think of something that would honor him. Maybe run 69 days in a row beginning on his birthday, December 21st. He would have been 70. So young too… I never wanted to be part of the this cousins club, as my sister puts it. I just thought I would have more time. And I had a lot of time with him. I’m lucky that I am 46 before my dad passed. I got to have 16,841 days with my dad. More than so many folks on the planet. I’m a lucky kid too, he was something amazing for sure. He would bring me a glass of water when I was sick and throwing up and then hand me my toothbrush afterwards. He gave me my own birthday cards from him that had the Peanuts comic strip characters in it, since I used to read his old books from them. He would run with me. So yes, running will be my way to honor him somehow. Maybe the days consecutively will be something to shoot for.
It’s time to get moving now, time for sleep, who knows if it will come tonight, but the dog is looking at me waiting for me to finish so she can move to my side of the bed. Thomas is sleeping next to me, and Ella is sound asleep in the bed in the next room. I think I will run in the morning. Good night friends ~ ❤️
The Morning High Runner 