You may not know this, but, I fancy myself as something of an entrepreneur. I have great plans for myself that include not having a 9-5 and making something of myself and put my own brand out there for the consumption of the world. I also write from time to time and have managed to write a whole book. I know this is going to be amazing and I love to dream of this. I know it’s going to happen. So why can’t I seem to finish what is going to launch this?
Earlier this week, I was asked if I am afraid of success. My very quick answer was yes. I am fucking terrified of this. Not so much success, but, stepping out into the unknown and take that chance, making myself uncomfortable. I have labored over this for 18 months now. I have 7 samples that don’t work, and three that do, but, they weren’t quick right, had to make adjustments on them. On Sunday I made three that didn’t work.
It was brought to my attention that there had contacts that had been made and they were all waiting on me to finish this. People want to see this and sample this. I have testers who want to be apart of the group of this. I even bought a serger to make it easier (I have to figure out what the original tension was at when it got here.. I have since adjusted it and can’t seem to get it right now, Dammit!). I have stalled and stalled and ignored it and left it to sit. I can’t tell you dear reader, the guilt I feel because I feel like I’ve let down my partner. I have not been a good partner. I have squandered time away on the internet doing not a mother fucking thing. Bought too much shit I didn’t need (though the new head lamp for running is going to be great, and I can’t wait to do a dark run again), and I have let him down so badly. It’s like I know what I’m doing and yet, I can’t stop myself from doing it.
Running though, helps. At the beginning of the month, I decided that I am going to hit my 1000 mile goal this year. It will take about 108 miles monthly to hit it. Last week was at 11 miles. This week, I will get about 21. I am trying not give myself shin splits, or worse, stress fractures. I have to start slowly so, it’s slow going. In my session today, I discovered that I am scared to death of change. Good or bad. I feel like I’m either holding on and don’t want to let go, or I’m standing there, just staring at it, and can’t a step. So, I made a commitment to her, and to me. I know that 30 minutes of meditation daily will change my life. I know that 15 minutes will actually do it too, but, I want to try one of my meditation programs. It’s 30 days for 30 minutes daily. I have also made the commitment to get my project done before vacation which is in like 2 weeks. I am looking forward to it. I have made the commitment to work on it nightly until it’s done. I will have to make my runs in the morning. Monday, I split it up, and I know that I need to get it done in the morning. I can’t split it up. I can do walks as well, but, that’s not the point. And the biggest bitch of this all, my dog no longer wants to run with me. I’m so bummed about that.
That’s a lot of commitments in a short amount of time. I can do this. Am I going to make it? I am ready for change. I am ready for change. I am ready for change. I embrace the wind of change, and relax knowing that it’s all going to be alright in the end. And if it’s not alright, it’s not the end… So, I have get going, I have a pattern to cut out and see about getting that damn thread tension figured out. Thanks for listening. I needed it.
The Morning High Runner 