May 4, 2021
The last few days, I have had a few revelations. There are a good many people that I know who are struggling through a bout of depression. And it’s not just me, thankfully, but, to see it in so many that I know, it’s comforting and frightening all at the same time.
A few weeks ago, I wrote about the meaning of life; 42. I poured my heart out about how it’s been hard for me these last few months. And while I thought that I would be able to pull myself out of it, it’s been a few weeks, 4, and still no progress. I am a bit less stressed at work, which is helpful, but, I’m still not able to pull myself up yet. I put deadlines on things like this it seems. I feel like I should be feeling a certain way and when I don’t, I get even more down hearted and it becomes a spiral of downward motion, going faster and faster until it stops. Sometimes it’s harder to come out of it, the best way for me to deal is to run, and I feel like I have been wanting to sleep a lot lately.
I look around me, and there are people who are going through a lot rougher time than I am, and it makes me grateful for my own problems. Makes me grateful that I have learned to communicate a lot better than I did when I was younger. And it makes me feel like there is a bit of misery loves company within it all. It’s no surprise that the last year has taken it’s toll on so many of us. We are going crazy with the lack of other people, and yet overstimulated by the online connections. We have disconnected. From each other and from ourselves.
Oh sure, there are many, who were able to use the last year as a jumping off point and turn so much good into their lives. I applaud all of them. I only hope for many more wonderful things for them. I was so blessed to be able to see my grandson grow from the teeny tiny little baby to the walking baby he is now. I have been so blessed to become closer to Kelsie and to get to run with her. I can honestly say it’s nice to have a person to run with. I have been truly blessed with this amazing life that I have.
But despite all the beauty and wonder that I have all around me, the last year has started to really take its toll on me. From all that I have seen around me to all that I see around the world, it’s been a hard one. I have been strong through much of the pandemic. I went to work each day and smiled, even though it was obvious, we were busier than ever, and still are for that matter. I wore a mask daily and tried really hard not to get into debates about why I wear a mask in the first place. I came unglued at work one morning. I snapped at my boss and the others that I work with. From that point on, when it comes to politics or ideas on things I disagree with, there are whispers all around me when I get to work in the morning.. or so my anxiety tells me. I am sure there are plenty of days when they stop the conversation when I get there. I am well aware of the fact that I don’t always feel the same as the ones I work with. For me, it can almost feel hostile, and I know that it’s not the case, but, I have days where my mind isn’t able to be strong and the day feels like it crumbles all around me. I drive home with no music on and no book on and just listen to the sound of the wind over the car. It’s too loud for me. I wish I had noise cancelling headphones. I want to disappear into the wind at that point. I struggle with this thought.
What do I do about those thoughts? For one, I take meds for that reason. Thus the name, ‘morning high’, though, I don’t take meds before work. The weekends however, you can bet it’s a wake and bake kind of day. When I can’t take the meds what do I do? I try to remember that it’s ok. That it’s ok to not be ok and I give myself permission go to bed and try again in the morning. What I need to do instead, is run.
Over the years I have found that on the days that it’s so hard to get up and go, those are the days that I need it the most. If I can’t do it in the morning, I have a support system who will tell me to go out and go for a walk when I get home and I need to relax and unwind. I will get home and eventually make it up the stairs to my room where the shoes will come off. I will sit down on the ottoman and stop for a moment and just breathe. If my bong is out, I will go for that. Even if it’s not out, that’s what I go for. I like it the most. I miss the one that I could put ice into though. A few deep breaths with that and I will get up and go change my clothes. From there, it’s either going for a run with the girls or just Kelsie, or I will go downstairs and get the evenings events going. Like dinner or whatever else there is. Lately, I don’t like eating as much as I would like. It’s a huge struggle because I don’t feel like eating. Not because I’ve got a problem with eating, I don’t, but, because I just don’t feel like it.
Not only that, the worst part of the whole thing is I will isolate myself. I will feel like the whole world is against me and I want someone to notice that I’m having hard time. I want someone to reach out and talk to me to make sure that all is well, and I won’t say a word to anyone. I will just naturally assume that all of my friend can read my mind and will instinctively know that I need them. But it never happens like that. And to be honest, it’s stopped bothering me as much as it used to. How did that happen, you may wonder, as I myself am shocked by the words that are being typed? I know that life has been hard on a lot of us, and I’m not the only one who is trying to outrun the darkness that is trying to creep in. Like the icy sinews of winter, creeping in all around you. We are all battling our own problems and I know that most of those close to me are busy in life. And it’s ok if they are busy and can’t read my mind. I have to keep in mind that I am the one who hasn’t text or called either. I am the one hiding too. Relationships only work if you put effort into them. It can’t be a one sided thing, both people have to consider your relationship a high enough priority to want to keep talking. And this is a really hard one for me.
I don’t have a lot of close friends, and the ones that are close, are close enough that they have become my sisters. There are now four women I would call my sister. Two of them know it. Two of them don’t. It’s all good. I love all of my sisters. But even with those that I love and call my sisters, to my sisters and my parents, I am having hard time staying in contact with them. I used to take a photo every time I ran and I would send it via Snapchat to all my friends. And then I started to think that not everyone really wanted to see my face that often.. usually daily. And from there it’s become a spiral of downward thoughts of why would anyone actually care what the fuck I did today or not. No one needs to know about me.. I’m going to hide. The real conundrum of the whole thing is that I desperately want someone to notice me. I want someone to reach out but I don’t have the ability to outright say, I need help because I’m having a hard time. And it’s not like there is any one thing that has set it off, it’s just that general feeling of why would anyone want to care about me.
That right there is the darkness that consumes me. Like the dripping of a faucet into a cup in the sink, not noticing the effect at first, until the cup is almost full and I can’t breathe. It’s a darkness that I have fought for some time. And while I could spend the rest of this though process going into detail of why I got like this, I think our time together today, dear reader, is better spent not going into that pit of despair.
The question then becomes for us all, how to get out of the grips of this feeling, how do we come to terms with our own selfishness and self-loathing? How do we find our light again? I don’t know. I have been living this rollercoaster for a while. There are good days and there are bad days and then there are days when you have to go number 3… For those such days, you should really take the day off. I try not to let my head get the best of me. I know that though I feel like it’s all against little ole me, it’s not really that way. the reality is that I am but one person. I will do the best I can and I can’t do it all. As I tell Brandy, my oldest sister, tacos fall apart all the time, and we still love them, followed by, you can’t make everyone happy, you’re not chocolate. It’s ok to fall down and it’s ok to not want to get back up. But somewhere in that dream place, between falling down and staying down, there is that glimmer of hope. There is still that light that shines that is our beacon. It pulls me through another day if I am struggling.
Love. That’s it. Love. Not the love that I have for my sisters. Not the love that I feel for my husband. The love that I have for my babies. There is so much that makes me want to end it, but, my babies are what pulls me through. Their love for me keeps me holding on. Because even though we may not see eye to eye on things and life and stuff and hair cuts and how to clean your room and fucking hell wipe the counters off already, they look to me for guidance. I know that I’m far from perfect, but, I want to do the best I can to teach them how to be ladies. How to open a door with smile, how to hold your fork at a fancy restaurant, and to say no and how to make them think it was their idea. I want to show them how to be assertive. I want them to know that they are super cool as they are right now, and getting through this last year was hard on all of us.
19MAY21
Interesting take on that last paragraph I think. In re-reading it, I feel like I might have mis-worded that. It’s not love per se. It’s about wanting to show them, and lead by example, that keeps me going. I want to be a good parent, and I want them to know that it’s ok to stumble and fall, and that’s ok, learn to make it part of the dance. Dancing is just a conversation with your feet. Life is but a dance, so, it’s going to be full up lifts that will amaze, and falls that make everyone hurt, but, the show must go on. And it will.
So, where am I now? I called and made an appointment with the VA to establish a primary care, and at that time to inquire about mental health services. I get to have lab work done next week prior to the appointment so I’m sure there will be lots to talk about. I have not run, and I have been not using good food judgement. There have been a few shakes and lots of bad for me food. Why? Well, the protein shake that I normally use has been discontinued and the new one is twice the last one was and I didn’t want to buy anymore. I have been enjoying more delicious Mexican food than I was a while ago. I haven’t run in a while because, well, I haven’t felt like it. It’s nice to wake up next to my husband and feel him next to me and sink back under the covers, listening to him breathe softly, he really doesn’t snore unless he’s sick, and letting that dark slumber wash over me again. It feels like a bit of heaven just lying there, together, with little Gotro in the next room and the dog at my feet. I couldn’t ask for a better morning.. and then work happens. And when I get home, I don’t feel like going out for a run. I just want to hide in my house, from most of the world. Perhaps hide is a bit strong of a word, how about, retreat from the world for a bit of solace and peace. Running takes a lot of focus for me, as I do like to think about form and solve all of my problems at the same time, and that’s sucked the energy out of me like crazy the last few runs. It won’t be like this forever, but, right now, that’s where I’m at.
Next Monday, training begins. It’s a couch to 26.2 miles program and I feel like I am really trying to go for the couch part of the program so I know that I have really exceeded my own expectations with this run. I know I can do it, will be lots of fun sweating in the Arizona heat training. Good thing I just got a new 3 liter water backpack. I’m stoked😁😁 3 Liters!!!! Can you imagine? That’s like having more than enough water, but, we shall see. The real test will be one of the trail runs I know are coming up in the summer for me and the dog. She wastes a lot of water which usually means not enough for me, but, this new bag could be a game changer!!
I know that I shouldn’t hope to lose weight while training for the marathon, but, I am hoping to do so. I have to really think about food choices. I love food so much, and now I’m fucking starving!! I don’t meal prep, but clearly that will need to become a thing that I do… Which means that it’s likely I won’t be able to eat a lot of cookies.. which means, I will have to eat some more today 😁 I made them on Monday, they are pretty fucking amazing!! Yay me 😎 I haven’t taken a Snapchat photo and sent it out in a while. I still wonder if they even look at what I send. I know some do, but, then anxiety tells me that they don’t care to see my face at all… and I honestly don’t know the answer to that question. I can only hope that they do.
Anyhow, I feel like this has been one long run on sentence and I really should go eat now. Beginnings are always hard, and with this new beginning on the horizon, marathon training that is, I will strive to hold myself accountable with it. With that, and other things as well. Still have a few things left to do tonight so I shall end it here. If you need help, make that call. It’s not the end, I promise, we can do this. Good night friends~😘
The Morning High Runner 