Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat! Again? (Bullwinkle reaches into his top hat and pulls out the head of a lion. He roars at him. Quickly, Bullwinkle puts him back into the hat.) Rocky and Bullwinkle were so cool. They made the mornings of my childhood seem like the world was always going to be fun times with my friends. Sadly, friendships don’t always last that long. This week, I am going back about 2.5 years to talk about some of the social anxiety I was going through. I had good intentions with this one… hold on to your seats, it’s a doozie.
October 3, 2019
Yesterday was my daughter’s birthday. She wanted to go to breakfast with me, and go ride go carts. So that’s exactly what we did. We went to breakfast together, I had an omelette and she did a skillet with no eggs. I had chocolate milk, because, well, I ran yesterday morning so why not, and she ordered coffee and had like 4 sips of it. I felt that was coffee abuse, to not have it, but, she likes her coffee a lot sweeter than I do and that’s saying something. We had some dinner together and ended the night by going to the movies to see Abominable. Super awesome movie! Loved every bit of it.
This morning, despite having the makings of what could have been a great long run and then a good soak in the bath tub turned into something that turned into a sort of a disaster. I didn’t get out of bed to go run like I should have when my husband woke me up to go run at 4 am. I lounged in bed, checking social media around 7 or so when I decided to open my eyes and move around. But it wasn’t until 8.30 when I got out of bed. I had dedided that wanted to get some things done this mroning so I could go do other things this afternoon. But then I got distracted and I ended up going into a sort of a meltdown over things I have no control over. I was losing it and the harder that I tried to pull myself out of the swamps of sadness, the more I was starting to go into the dreaded anxiety attack. The overwhelming thoughts of not being what I can be, not being good enough, or doing enough for others, or making the most of career, or whatever else my mind could come up with, the hardest resting on how I view myself in the world of my three friends. I don’t trust easily and I have a hard time with having close friends, so when I feel dejected in any way in my own mind, I start to go through the worst kinds of pain.
I was starting to nit pick at my daughter whose room is a constant battle for us, and in knowing that I wanted to go sideways on her for the state of the room, I asked her to take care of some things. In seeing that I was having a hard time she looks at me and pats the bed next to her in a motion for me to come sit and down and talk. And in not wanting to lose my shit in that instant, I sat down. She, in her sweet young girl kind of way asked what’s wrong. So I told her. I told her that I sometimes feel shut out of lives in such a way that it makes me so sad. And not from the ones that I am friends with now, like, what about the ones I went to school with who seem to have the time and effort and energy to see each other, but I wasn’t worth keeping that connection with. And I hate the argument that maybe they couldn’t find me.. Nonsense, Facebook does wonders in finding people to reconnect with old friends. It’s not hard to find me. I tell her that I feel like I keep trying to keep the house clean and it will never be good enough and I can’t seem to make it stop and no one will help me and I can’t do it all and on and on……. Until I stopped and looked at her and smiled. She was so sweet. I said to her, you didn’t know that I have those thoughts too did you? She was shocked to hear that I have the same doubts in myself that she does and I still manage to keep my shit together. Not very well all of the time. She then looks at me and asked if I have taken any of my medication lately. No. Not any of it. Shit!
I thanked her for reminding me that I have to continue to take care of myself so I can keep moving forward. I walked into my room and closed the door and grabbed the water pipe and took a long inhale. Coughing and wheezing always goes with that first hit for me. I sound like a kid who has never smoked pot before. I am teased for this one a lot. I finish taking my break and made sure to wash my face and hands, light some incense, and take a deep breath. And just like that, I could feel myself relaxing. A second deep breath and as I exhale, I realize I stress over way too much. I need to just relax.
My run after eating a good lunch was a trail run. Obviously, it would be at least 2 hours after eating before we go out. In the heat of the mid afternoon because that’s how I roll. Lots of sunshine for my legs and some good time to myself to relax more……..
April 14, 2021
Holy Shit!! How could I leave it hanging like that? What the hell ?!
As I am sure you can guess, dear reader, I am as shocked as I am sure you are too that I left in the middle of the run down of the run. I felt like I was a hero in my own story about to take on the world and love it and be heroic and the day ends with great sex and there was nothing!!! My head is still spinning..
After going through the photo roll, it seems the day won out after all. No photos of a trail run or a selfie to commemorate the afternoon. I didn’t run until the following day, the 4th. That’s too bad. I almost feel bad for the past self, but, I won’t worry about that anymore. Hopefully, it was just a Tuesday that I got through and was glad for the day with little goose.
Yesterday, I came home with the notion to write, but, as the evening wore on, I wanted to sleep more than I wanted to do anything else. I had been restless the night before and wanted to get some good hours of sleep in me to be able to start the day anew. I got my stuff ready to run for the next morning. That was all I had gotten ready for the next day. Let me back up a little bit.
This past weekend, the wind was blowing pretty hard. For many years, I had a problem with windy days. They made me restless and listless and feeling all sorts of out of sorts. I have since learned that it’s not a bad thing to have that feeling. In the book about Feng Shui that I was given many years ago, she said that there are changes that are seen and unseen. The unseen changes come on the winds, and we can feel it when it does. I felt that on Sunday evening. And that makes me very uncomfortable. The reason is unclear in my mind, but, for the most part, I understand it to mean that I am resisting the change and need to relax into and all will be well. Everything has always worked out for the best. So on Monday, I went out of my way to get up on time and go for my walk with the dog and have things ready to go. And then Tuesday hit. And not only was it Tuesday on the calendar, it was a Tuesday for me as well. (When my little sister and I left for boot camp in the spring of 2001, we both left on a Tuesday, therefore having a Tuesday means that you are having a hard day and need to cry or scream. It also enables us to realize that there are days that we have to accept and deal with no matter what and sometimes feelings and mornings just suck!).
I got up about the same time that I have been getting up at, got myself out the door for a short run, took a shower, got to work. All the while thinking that it just felt off. I wasn’t happy after my run and the selfie that I took, all I could see was a woman who looked old and tired. That’s a hard one for me. I don’t feel old, just mostly tired. Work wasn’t any better. Anxiety was kicking my ass all day and I had to remember to breathe and focus on the task at hand. I had a hard time with it. I managed to get through the day. Didn’t really want to do anything else. I was glad to go home. Once home, my husband had gotten his second vaccine shot and was in bed napping for the last 3-5 hours. I ate a meager meal of a banana with milk for dinner, I wasn’t really hungry and went to bed. It wasn’t the best day ever, and with work, sometimes I can get overwhelmed. Yesterday was a good example of it.
When the time came to write last night, I knew that I wanted to write, but, I just didn’t have it in me to do so. So, with a bit of understanding that I have learned to give myself, I’m certainly not perfect, I am writing tonight.
I have been doing a lot of thinking about the hats that I want to create and mass produce and sell. I am very excited for what I am working on with it. I love hats and it seemed like something needed to be fixed with the ones that I like to wear. I like hats because the keep me warm. They keep my ears warm. This weekend I am going to be working on it some more. I will share more once I have them ready for sale.. And yes, I will be selling them for a profit and work on having an entire fashion line.. Who knew that would be a dream of mine one day… My mom is going to love that!
I haven’t really got a plan for training in the works yet. I know that there is less than 6 months for me to really get prepped for my Boston Marathon Run… I’m stoked about it!! I feel that in the next 3-4 years, I will be serious about having a BQ time to be able to run there, in Boston as a marathoner. I have to say it’s the ultimate dream for me.. Followed by IronMan. I don’t know how I feel about a 2 mile ocean swim. I have to be honest, that scares the shit out of me. For more reasons than I have reason for. (It stemmed for a birthday party I went to when I was about 6 or so. We stayed up late watching the first two Jaws movies. And we told horrible ghost stories about a lady who always wore a big green lace ribbon around her neck because it was keeping her head on. When my parents picked me up the next day, I was greeted and then told of the great news that we are going to the lake that day. I was petrified. I had this irrational fear of a Great White Shark at the bottom of the pool.. It still scares me today.. Why did I join the Navy then? I missed my sister. And I feel like if the ship went down, I would be taken out with it, and wouldn’t have to worry about sharks.. I hoped. It turned out that I would be the boat engineer and would have my own ride if that happened. Yay me. I am also a second class swimmer. Also, Yay me.) I have to get over this fear to do that race. I’m not there yet.
As for the changes, how do I deal with that now? I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. The changes could be good, so I took a good deep breathe and got lots of rest and tried again today. My husband was still pretty tore up and stayed home. I didn’t run or go for a walk this morning. I made coffee and sat down and watched the sun from my front living room while reading the news. I took a little too much time doing so, but, I made it to work, got the things done that I needed to get done, talked with my customers and had a mostly good day. I applied for a job at a new company, getting to use the best cover letter ever. Well, I think it’s the best ever. I’m tired of being ordinary, so I went with bold this time. Short of saying I’m fucking badass, give me a shot, I think it warrants at least a call back. Who knows what the change will be. I always have high hopes. Dreams of reaching the stars. It could also be that my furniture isn’t going to get to me until the end of May, instead of the beginning.. Dammit…
Anyhow, good night my friends. Hope your dreams are peaceful~
The Morning High Runner 