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I am struggling. Like big time! And while I know that I will come out of it and will be alright, things have always had a way of working out for me, it doesn’t make it any easier. It seems I have started a whole lot of stories that I wanted to share with you, dear reader, but, have not finished any of them. Twelve to be exact; That’s how many drafts of thoughts I have sitting in the hole that is my head right now.

Of the many drafts I have, there was one that was missing. It was the one that I really wanted to share with the world, and instead, got frustrated with the computer for not saving more than half of it and then just deleted it. Being open to the public is something that I crave because as the middle child I want people to see me and notice that I’m here. Yes, I have issues with my birth order and family, but, honestly, what family isn’t dysfunctional? My problem with putting myself out there for others to see is, what if they see it? I know, it’s a conundrum for sure, but, I also know that my dreams in life are sitting on the other side of that fear. I admit that I don’t like confrontation, so I won’t openly engage with nay-sayers online. I will back down if we are face to face as well, because I have a hard time standing up for myself, and those I love. Though, in recent years, I have tried a lot harder at doing just that. I’m not the best at it, but, I am a work in progress.

To help me through this time in life, I am once again turning my attention to running and writing. While my other passions are still going full force, massage and music, have taken a back burner for the time being.. They are there, just simmering right now. That being said, a while ago, in one of the running groups I’m in, the moderator asked me, what does running mean to you? In life? As a sport? I gave some response that was short, but, the more I thought about this, the more that I realized that running has been a huge part of my life for as long as I can remember. In some form or other, it’s been there, waiting for me to lace up again and again and hit the road. Let me paint you a picture….

When I was born, I had some structural problems. I had a foot completely turned to the inside, it was my left foot (Not only that, my right hip is rotated inward and when I was in massage school, it was so pronounced that we would use a rolled up face towel to lift my hip just enough to get to where my body was aligned). Until I was about 7 months old, I had to wear a metal brace to get my foot to rotate to the correct position. Think Forrest Gump’s magic legs. They would take me anywhere… Anyhow, around this time, I developed a staphylococcus infection on my heal. I didn’t wear the braces after that and with some good chiropractic care, I can say that my structure is my more sound and stable.

Much like Forrest Gump, these braces must have done something wonderful to my legs, because I could sprint and wouldn’t you know it, I was good at that. For my body size and stature, I wan’t the most likely of sprinters, but, I loved to make others watch just how good I was. However, it wasn’t until I was in 8th grade that I discovered just how good I was.

The year had started like the others, the same cliques, the same girls who were in cheer last year were in cheer this year. There was this guy that I had a huge crush on and I was certain that it would work out for us that year. But, it didn’t. Instead, he was going out with this new girl who thought she was hot shit. And she really didn’t like me. The why of that, I have yet to know, but really, I don’t care why she didn’t like me. We had P.E. together that year. First semester first period was gym class. Oh what fun, now I can smell bad all day long! Our class had gone out to do track stuff, think high jump, long jump, the mile and the 100 dash. I paired up with my friend Jenny to do the 100 dash. I had not worn proper shoes to run in a dirt track, but, at that time, I didn’t really care about that. The whistle blows and we take off. Jenny is so much taller than I am. In fact, she’s always going to be taller than me, because I didn’t get much bigger than my 8th grade self. Anyhow, I ran as fast as I could as hard as I could to get to the end of that lane. I had to wait for Jenny to catch up to me. My teacher had this shocked look on her face. She said I want you to run against Rachel next. Ugh!! I had to talk to this girl?! Fuck!! So, whatever. We get to the starting line and she’s making all sorts of stupid comments and the whistle blows again and we take off. Now, I have a hard time with what happens next, but, I was so far ahead that I didn’t see it. I had pulled away from her and was most assuredly going to beat her in this race. I was stoked!! Finally, I can make that girl eat her words. And then I hear a thud and crying. I slide to a complete stop and turn around, and as I am about to lunge toward her, my teacher is yelling for me to just finish. Run!! So I did. I set a school record that day. The thud that I heard was when Rachel realized that I was going to beat her, she stops on the track, grabs her knee and then falls down, and starts to cry. From all accounts that I heard of it, all of my friends, they said it was the worst faked injury they had ever seen. She was mad that I was faster than her. Anyway, that year I ran track. She and I became friends at the time. She no longer hated me and her and Joshy weren’t going out anymore. (As a side note to that, Josh and my little sister ended up dating shorty after school ended that school year, so, that sealed it that he and I would never date in this lifetime.) I hated the workouts, but I loved how good I felt afterwards. I loved running in that aspect. I loved the alcaldes that go with it, and I still have my ribbons and medals from running that year.

I would complete my freshman year in high school not running. But the next year, I wanted to impress this guy that I liked who was on the cross country team by joining the team. I was a terrible distance runner. I have gotten better with my times now, but, yeah, it wasn’t my thing. But to get to sit by him in the van on the way to the meets, was well worth my time spent on that team. In the spring of that year, my little sister and I had become close, we did track together. In fact, we did the 4×100 team relay. It was my little sister and our neighbors, who were sisters as well. We all ran a 12 -13 second 100 dash. I was the starter who handed off to sister and she to the younger of the two sisters, and then to the older who would run that last bit. We were pretty good too. I loved that year in running. I had such a good time. After that, I got a job and didn’t do a lot of after school things. So, sports would just go by the wayside until I joined the Navy. I tried to like to run while I was in, but, I ran a lot on treadmills while I served. On the ships, while they were moving. On my first ship the treadmills faced front to back, so you didn’t have such a hard time with listing. On my second ship, they had them facing side to side, so when we were in heavy seas, it made running that much more of a challenge. And that was ok. But running for the sake of running wasn’t something I was really that into. I mean, I’m a sprinter. Not long a long distance kind of person. Who would want to run long distances? That’s so crazy!!

Well, many years past and all of the sudden about October 2014, I can feel my body going to through some weird emotional changes. And I am up and down every day and it’s turning me into a crazy person. I remember standing in the shower in March of 2015 thinking of ending it all. I was crying and I didn’t know how I could handle all that pain inside. I went to bed and the very next day I felt like I could take on the entire Star Fleet by myself. This was insane! I was struggling so hard and I didn’t know what to do about it. I had just moved out of my parents house and during the time that I had lived there, my mom had her thyroid out. I knew enough to know that those hormones are really important. So, we had some thyroid supplements in the cabinet for Thomas. I started to take one and made the decision that I could at least walk. Walking never killed anyone, and it’s not going to require anything special. So I began to walk a few days a week. And, I shit you not, within three days, I could feel my emotions starting to come under control and not feel so all over the board. In two weeks from that day, March 21, 2015, Thomas said that he could tell I was more ‘even keeled’.

It was at this time that my friend, Vanessa, who was running daily after work and totally kicking ass, would come and walk with me from time to time. It was so nice to have someone to talk to while walking. It was from her influence that I decided that I could run. I could do it if she could. She even thought I could do it too. Runners are the best support system I have ever had!! So I would go out by myself and do intervals for a mile or so. I started to track my miles. I wanted to know how far I was going, and I was really loving it. It was hard and then trying to keep up with her was even harder. But I wanted to. I wanted to be better, I wanted to keep running like she did. I remember the time she ran 10 miles. She was so worn out and I thought, wow.. I wonder if I could ever do that. Within a year of this change of adding running and my supplement, I was doing so much better. No more days of crying the shower. I was hooked and I wanted to do a race now. I thought big! I wanted to do the one in the valley and do a half marathon. It was something I thought I could train for and do. 2016 brought many changes to our lives. We got married and both got new jobs. It was becoming a pipe dream to do the race in the next year. That was, until, I had said something to my parents, who somehow relayed that to my older sister, who had a roommate at the time who gave my the code for a free entry to the next race in Phoenix that very next year. I had 75 days to get ready.

I was doing 4.5 miles consistently, but, I hadn’t really ventured out with more miles. I started with going to 5 miles. Then I would do 6 miles, and then I would increase until I had ran my 13.1 miles. It was a cold fall that year and I had just started to run with my dog. She would become my constant running companion and friend. We worked hard and by the time of the race, we could do it in 3.5 hours. I was so happy about that. It’s not easy to do that distance in any way. I still think that’s true.

By the time the race got here, I had just joined the Facebook running group, you vs. the year. It’s the challenge set up through MapMyRun that was done the year before, but I didn’t find the group until the second year of the challenge. From this, I was able to see that there is a huge group of runners out there who love to run and love medals. I finished the race that year in 2.5 hours. Almost a full hour off of my time at home. I was so happy! And I was so sore and tired as can be. I had my parents out on the course who cheered me on as I would go by, and my husband and daughter at the finish line waiting for me. I cried when I finished it. It was a feeling of such joy and happiness and exhaustion and I loved that!! That night, I remember sitting in my room wearing my husband hat and taking a photo of myself with my medal. It was a truly awesome feeling. When I posted my picture of me holding my medal to the group, I felt so loved and accepted and like I was with friends. It was a great thing!!

Through the friendships I have made with this running group, I have found countless virtual runs that I have done as well as doing a lot of the runs that I can in the valley. I get to see these friends when I go out of town for those races. They make the trip so much more fun. I couldn’t ask for a more wonderful group of support cheerleaders for a person. Honestly, without their support, I don’t know if I would keep lacing up daily.

Some days it’s hard to get out of bed on time, I never do, and go run. I want to, but, at the same time, I don’t want to get up. But running means the day gets easier just by finishing the run. Some days I think I should really get out of bed when I can’t sleep and go run, but I don’t. I have tried to take days off, and they are hard to do when running has become what keeps you sane. I want to share this love of this sport with my girls because I know how hard life can be, but, it’s like no matter how tired I am, or how bad I need to clean something, running has a way of making me feel so much better than anything else. It’s become a life line durning COVID. I wasn’t able to run as much or as far and certainly not as fast as I wanted, but, if I wasn’t able to run, I don’t know how I would handle all that life has thrown at me. I use that time to ponder so much in life. I wonder how will I manage to do things, how can I improve, how can I help more? I think about the work that I would love to do and I wonder how will they ever know I can do what they need if they just gave me a chance. I think about my family dynamics and how do I fit into the whole thing. I think about ways I can improve upon myself. Just this week I decided that I could try to do more with myself. I know that my weight is always a topic of cringe worthy feelings, but, I could so something daily to help with that. I am doing sit-ups. They are terrible. I hate them a lot! But, sit-ups aren’t going to kill me. And I am sure that a strong core will help with running, so, why not? 100 sit-ups daily. I think I want to throw in some kind of weighted twists, just for those oblique muscles, don’t want them to feel left out of the fun. Who knows. Just thought it would do me some good to add something in the mix.

So, what does running mean to me? Running is a way of life. Can I get along in life if I had to give it up? I’m sure I would have to, given those circumstances. Do I want to? Absolutely not! In the last 6 years, I have met some lovely people from all around the globe and I have been so blessed to be able to run where I do. My favorite photos have come from being on runs, and there is nothing more fantastic than to get to see the sun rise in the morning. I am more and more grateful that I am able to do this as there are so many who want to and can’t. When I hear of a fellow runner who died, I shed tears for them. My heart is broken for the Hoyt family this week. I break down every time I see that story. My friend who got me onto his Ragnar team passed away this last December and I was shattered! The running community is such an amazing group of people. They are supportive and funny. And though I haven’t felt like posting to anything lately, I am still there, cheering everyone else on! Running has made me a better person I think. That is enough of a reason right there to never give it up. ~ Peace😎