I did it. I managed to run, more or less, a full 26.2 miles in the blazing Phoenix sun. The sun burn that I’m sporting right now is a lovely shade of fire engine red. Both my face and my shoulders were exposed and though I know better, I didn’t have sunblock on. I think I like the pain of it. Reminds me that I’m still alive and vulnerable to the rays of our star… Our star. The sun, so many amazing stories revolve around the sun and the Sun God(s).
I knew this wasn’t going to be an easy feat for me. I know that my pace is slow, I would venture to say a turtle pace. In fact I got a vision of the tortoise and the hare in my head as I was running. For the weeks leading up to the race, I had fallen victim to a slightly pulled muscle. I had taken care to not overdo it and hope that in the end, I would prevail as I always tend to. Once I was able to run again, I was coming up to running my first race of the year. The Arizona Rock ‘N’ Roll Series. I like that it’s big, and there are so many people who are there running together. I had got to the valley on a Thursday and I was pretty excited. However, it didn’t go as planned. To begin with, I had a very bad night’s sleep. I have never slept on a foam mattress pad, and I can honestly say that I really don’t wish to do so again. It was the beginning. Went for a walk to shake things out a bit and I was shredded. I looked like shit. Took a shower to get the blood flowing and got dressed. Went to Walgreens because they have my allergy meds that I like and I forgot to bring mine down. I had the little one with me, and, well, to make a long story a tiny bit shorter, I got sick. I ran the 5k with my little goose and then went to my sister’s house and went to bed. Until the next morning when my baby is telling me she can’t do it without me and I told her of course you can. You are stronger than you know.
She was such a trooper. Ran her race like a boss. And then I went home. I spent the next two days in bed out of work, and then next week or so trying to get all the shit out of my lungs, ineffectively I might add too. My last long run before the marathon was 8 miles. I was spent after that. Clearly the illness had not really let me out of its clutches. I was nervous. This was a major thing that I had trained for, which, I really could have done so much better than what I did, and I was spent after 8 miles.
I got down to the valley, again, on a Thursday and this time, I was in a bed that I could sleep in. Went for a little run in the morning, felt pretty good. Then the morning didn’t go as well as I wanted it to. Argued with my best friend for a little while, and then we got through it, but, for those few hours, it stressed me out like no other. I hate when we argue, but, we are people who live together, and eat and sleep and hang out together, so, it’s bound to happen that we see shit differently. And we do, and it was made known. The day went on, and while I was doing better in my head, my head was not in the game of what it needed to be. Got back to my sisters house and we made a dynamite dinner of pasta and meat sauce with spinach and artichoke heart dip with sour dough bread. I was in heaven with the food. So much goodness right there. Around 8 pm, I excused myself to the room and began to make sure all was ready for the race. My clothes were laid out with care. My fuel in the bag, my water in the bottles ready to go. I was set. Got into bed, and was able to sleep a solid 5.5 hours.
Game face time. 3 hours until start time. I had to be up and out the door, to be at the bus loading zone before 4.15 am. Ok, I can do this. I managed to get myself up and ready and out the door on time. My husband was dropping me off, so he stopped and we got some coffee and then I drove to where he was going to drop me off. He was going too slow for me.
In only a few races I have done, I have been with someone or run with a friend. It’s not like running by myself is a new thing. And yet, when I got onto the bus, I realized how alone I felt. Not lonely, I don’t mind being by myself, but, for the first time in a long time, I felt alone. Maybe it was fear or nerves, but, it was a distinct feeling. One that makes me not want to be around others and that feeling stayed with me until I relaxed into the run, around mile 3. I knew others from my different running groups were going to be there and though I don’t feel very welcomed by them, it would have been a bit easier to see a familiar face. I want to feel welcomed though. I often wonder if it because I live so far away and because I don’t do a race every weekend. I come down, once, maybe twice a year for a race, so, I can see where it would have some overlook that I was going to be there. Anyhow, more of that later…
They national anthem is belted out by a 12 year old who sounded amazing!! They lit fireworks for it, I was stunned to be honest. How fucking cool is that? And then it’s time to go. So many runners go by, I tried to start in the back of the pack, and yet, I was so far behind the vast majority of the other runners. The miles came easy. I was so happy to have found my stride, I felt like I was trucking along and things were going my way. I was so loving the music and the view! My goodness, I thought. The desert, though not for everyone, has a certain beauty to it. And then I have a vision of Peter O’Toole, in Lawerence of Arabia, when asked why does he like the desert. Because it’s clean was his response and he’s right. It has beauty all of it’s own, and it’s clean with it’s wild dark purples and bright orange sunlight. Quite stunning really, and the photos don’t do it justice. I remember thinking about how I was looking at the full moon on one side of me and then sunrise on the other side of me and I love when I get to see that. It’s magical really.
I’m feeling good at this point. Mile 5, 6, 7, 8 just keep trucking along at a good respectable pace. And then I notice that my body is not as full of energy as it once was earlier this morning. I keep going and about mile 15, the desert sun starts to take it’s toll on me, and my speed feels like it slows to a crawl. I am always so impressed by so many kinds of people who run. I watch them as they pass by me, noting the way their bodies move and I can see where they are hurting at that time. And then I had a man pass me. He was a kidney and liver donor. He was holding his side as though he was in such pain, and he passed me. I kept trying to overtake him, and I just couldn’t. It was then that my heart started to realize that I might not make the time that I had aimed for, despite having a goal of just finishing to begin with.
I don’t remember when it started but, once I was told that I had to run on the sidewalks and use the street lights and oh by the way, the course is now having all the aid stations packed up and gone, and to make it even more challenging, they are moving all the traffic cones and the course is not really marked anymore, I nearly cried. I looked at my watch, 4 hours 11 minutes since start time, I had nearly 10 miles to go…FUCK!!!!! I press on, not going to let this get to me. But, inside, I was bummed. I kept thinking about how runners say you hit the wall at 20 miles. I remember asking someone about it. He said, there is no wall. Which, again, took my mind to another movie, this time The Matrix. It’s the scene where Neo goes to see the oracle for the first time and he talking to the boy about how to make the spoon bend, the kid tells him, there is no spoon. I thought of that. There is no wall. And so I kept trucking along. By the time I hit 6 hours, I was still almost a full 5k from the finish. I hadn’t pooped at all that day, so I kept thinking don’t trust a fart over mile 20. I had the chance to use the porti-potty and with the amount of work I would have to do just to sit down, I said fuck it, I can hold it.
I was about two miles from the finish, I saw my uncle walking across the street to walk with me for a minute. I had seen my husband and daughter twice on the course and their support cannot be understated here. I am so grateful for the love and support and encouragement that they gave me through the whole process of this and out on the course. I was so glad to see their friendly faces durning the run. I was cheered for by my name by the group of folks he was with and that made me smile so hard. He walked with me a iittle way and I was so happy to see him. I cracked on and got a move on. I was so close now.
I had to stop a few times and check the map to see where the fuck I was supposed to go to find the finish line. Down to the light and cross the street and you’re in the home stretch. However, with traffic now using the roads, including a round about to get to the finish line, I was feeling a little lost still.. I could see the finish line but, there wasn’t anything to point the way. My husband ran with me to the finish line and I thought I would cry when I finished and I didn’t. A nice young man named Mitchell handed me a medal and a towel and said you did it. You finished. There was no one there anymore. I had missed the time cut off. And wow, what a difference that would make, I should think. I asked for directions to find my gear, and had to wait for traffic to move so I could get one decent photo of me in front of the finisher banner. There was minimal shouting, from the same group that stood and waiting with my uncle, but, aside from them and my husband and my daughter, I felt like an empty victory. I had worked so hard to finish this. I had wanted to finish it in the 6 hours and couldn’t. I finished in 6:55:19… almost a full hour off the mark. I was devastated. Ok. So, I missed the time limit, big deal, not like I wanted to see anyone else that day, but whatever. I don’t have an official time, I missed out on all the after events and my pride has been a bit bruised, but I will get over it.
Later in the day, I see on social media that not only was most of my running group there that I talked to about me being there, but, they had a big after party. That’s when the feeling of being so small really hit me. I felt like I had just finished this big thing that others in my running group seem to think is a huge accomplishment, and when I do it, it’s like who cares? I cried. I have a hard time living in a small town that keeps me from being able to join others in celebration of all of our endeavors. I felt like not even an outcast, just like the kid who tries really hard to be friendly with the other kids, but, is still not good enough for them for whatever reason.
I have a hard time with making friends. I want to have them, but, I have a hard time putting myself out there for others to be able to reciprocate. I need better friends to start with, and while I know that it’s all in my head, and life really isn’t like that, in fact, I”m sure that most of these people aren’t like that at all, it’s just me thinking it has something to do with me, since I am the common denominator. But, life isn’t always about me. And it’s not always about what I want to do and what do I get out of something. Life is so much bigger than that. If have to remind others of my existence, then I really don’t want to have to deal with them. I had hoped that one day, I would have these great friends that I see in the running groups, all hanging out together. I realize, that’s not everyone’s reality. I wanted so badly to feel like I belonged to a group and I still don’t. I wanted them to like me. I am just going to be grateful for the friends that I do have and maybe instead of making friends wtih others, I should instead, just be happy with being where I am. On the outside of it. Still happy for other’s successes and wins in life and sad when the hard times come.
It was a hard run. I am grateful for what I can take away from this and hopefully utilize that in training for the next race. So that means no more getting sick or hurt. And training will be different. I shall do my best. I have another two races planned this year, you can bet it’s going to be a lot different this time around.
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I don’t want to say that I have been left out of something, I realize most of the problems I have with my online friends is that I make something of nothing. I just see things differently than most and I am trying to understand the world doesn’t revolve around me. I find the latter hard sometimes. I get so caught up in my whole world that I forget others have things on their minds too. It’s all good. Tomorrow is a new day.. with any luck, I snow day at that 🙂
The Morning High Runner 